Thursday, 17 December 2009

Christmas Crappers

Oh look! Amazing! A record made by some blokes and released on Sony is Number One! That means that another record sung by a bloke and released on Sony won't be Number One! Eat that, Nasty Nigel or whatever your bloody name is. Stuff you, I won't buy what you tell me! I'll buy what someone on Facebook tells me to instead. So there.

This just in from a well-turned out chap who's just moved to a new office somewhere swish.

Lesson one at Bad PR University: Attempt to align your dismal campaign with whatever might be happening in the world of things people do actually want to write about, even though this will ultimately result in making your client seem even less relevant than they were to begin with.

Lesson two: Write your press release in the manner of something that's been translated from a foreign language.

---------- Forwarded message ----------
From: Chris Hall [chris.jdwpr@googlemail.com]
Date: 2009/12/15
Subject: J-Proc/ The £20 independent alternative to Joe & RATM

Hello There,

"A Christmas Song (Stuff The Turkey)"

As You ME? are well aware – the Christmas this year GREAT START! has EH? an exciting battle between Joe McElderry and Rage Against the Machine brewing YES, LIKE A SCHOOLBOY'S FART. However, everyone is saying that the real winner are HE MEANS IS Sony – given that both acts are signed to subsidiary record labels. So, I just wanted to remind you of the home-made independent alternative by duo J-Proc DEFINITELY COULD'VE DONE WITH MORE COMMAS. With a single and video which cost £20 in total AND I BET THEY LOOK LIKE IT TOO, the novelty pairing have released a seasonal take of HE MEANS ON the novelty record with a contemporary feel NOVELTY AND CONTEMPORARY, YOU'RE SPOILING US. With a growing popularity on youTube HE MEANS YouTube and lots of discussion in forums HE MEANS ON FORUMS, the pair found themselves in Amazon’s Top 100 briefly REALLY? HOW IMPRESSIVE on Monday OH for their attempt at the Top 40 AN ATTEMPT THAT FAILED. WHY ARE YOU STILL TELLING ME ABOUT IT?

“It don't feel like Christmas no more, with no novelty records innit OH CHRIST So we is bringing you the novelty record to top them all, 'A Christmas Song (Stuff The Turkey)'” - Proc Proc ALI G WAS BRILLIANT, WASN'T HE?

“I love this time of year man OH SHIT, it doesn't get better than dancing with your friends to the latest Christmas song. This year we thought people needed something other than Noddy Holder and OH SHUT UP.

In a year which could have provided X Factor's Jedward as the closest thing this country has seen to a novelty Christmas record I SORT OF SEE WHAT YOU MEAN HERE BUT YOU REALLY SHOULD HAVE HAD ANOTHER GO AT THIS BIT, J-Proc have decided to be late entrants into the race for the Christmas number 1 A RACE YOU'VE ALREADY TOLD US THAT THEY'VE LOST as an independent, self-funded competitor with their frolicsome AMAZING! dance and sing-along tune "A Christmas Song (Stuff The Turkey)". With the competition tough, they hope that their brand of cheesy techno pop IT SOUNDS GOOD ALREADY can recapture the fun of the Christmas record that has been missing in recent years AGAIN WITH THE TERRIBLE WRITING.

The single is accompanied by a home-made music video OH JUST KILL ME NOW. Both Proc Proc and JW are keen to do interviews YES, I BET THEY ARE about their novelty crusade or at least garner a few mentions AIM LOW - GOOD TACTIC as THE real Christmas record this year WHATEVER THAT MEANS. If you need anything further, please BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH.

Best

Chris Hall

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