Friday, 20 March 2009

Severed Samurais

This just in from a Senior LiS reporter:


FWD MESSAGE--------------
From: Thomas Antoniw []
Date: 18 March 2009 18:45:59 GMT

Subject: RE: Severed arms placed around UK cities to launch the most violent video game in history


I hope you are well.

To launch what is tipped to be the most violent video game in history; MADWORLD by SEGA, we’re placing hundreds of severed arms around UK cities on Thursday 19th and Friday 20th March.

Please do not hesitate to contact me should you require any further information.

Kind regards,


Hundreds of severed arms have been placed around UK cities today to mark the launch of a new computer game tipped to be the most violent ever.

MADWORLD, a black and white alternative world where citizens must kill one another to survive, is being exclusively released on the Nintendo Wii console and will transform its “family-friendly” image.

Players use the Wii remote to guide Jack, the game’s chainsaw-wielding protagonist, through a virtual city executing other residents by slashing and impaling as he goes. The game is made entirely in black and white with the only other colour being crimson red - when blood is frequently spilt.

The severed arms were first spotted around central London yesterday, clutching copies of MADWORLD in random locations such as Tower Bridge and a litter bin in Carnaby Street.

The game, published by SEGA, has already caused controversy in the US with parent groups calling for a ban, whereas in the UK it has only just scraped through the BBFC with an 18 rating.

Fay Burgin, PR Manager at SEGA, said: “Although MADWORLD is a violent game, this is carried out with irreverent humour and distinct comic-book styling. The over-the-top action is set to deliver a unique gaming experience for adult gamers; currently missing on the Wii console.

“SEGA is delighted to be leading the way with adult games for the Wii, and we are sure that gaming fans will see it as a breath of fresh air.”

- Ends -

Tuesday, 17 March 2009

Taking Libertines

This is a stone-cold classic. I'm saying no more, just read on (unless you're middle class and/or from London). Thanks to the LiS reporter who has just sent this in...

I honestly don't really know where to start. The grammar? The way capital letters are just chucked IN? The un-verifiable, self-aggrandising claims: "Number 1 Talent Music Booking Agency in the North East/UK" O RLY? Says who?

Perhaps my favourite bit is the gloriously childish "RULES FOR BANDS / RULES FOR PUBS" - then again, maybe it's all of it? How can any serious person put their name to this sort of crapola? Thinking about it, it's this pidgin press release that takes the prize for unimagainable awfulness. Who wrote it? Why didn't someone stop them?

This eager curiosity music form WHAT? the Midlands are one of the best bands i have heard from the local music scene in Newcastle EH?, and are one of the best bands i have on my books who are in the over 18 category WHAT?, they are truly talented with great melody,s EH? and clever lyrical abilities, and catchy indie tunes, what sets this band apart from every one else out there is there WHAT? amazing vocal abilities, great professional sounding singers..

they look the part for the indie scene, with a good image and have amazing charisma with a magnetic stage presence, which many bands lack.. this band have it all, and will go all the way, we have interest from London labels already WHAT?... this band wont ever give up until they get a record deal EH?... and within time they will get one, if they stay committed.. i liken them to bands like cold play WHO?, kean WHO? and the like...

there middle class roots are what will get this band noticed in London AMAZING!....there EH? songs are well thought out with correct musical timing (PAUSE) WHAT?, they never rush through a song like some bands, their timing and beat is spot on, there vocals are outstanding EH?, very operatic WHAT?, and technical abilities are truly superb, there EH? guitar and riffs and experience in instruments are highly professional , and there WHAT? piano expertise make this band an upper crust band for the professional music scene WHAT?

they are by no way an average amature EH? band just doing gigs in the local scene, and are allot WHAT? more in line for a record deal and higher status within the music industry.. they have the real talent, which is what,s EH? needed for a label to sign them up. I have never believed more in a band than i do with these lads...


Thursday, 12 March 2009

Who's For Some Ramshackle Grunge With Noir Phraseology?

There are too many bands. There are too many magazines. Any business that can support itself by having people write horseshit like, "lush with 60’s accents and drizzled with noir phraseology" is a business that need to be burnt down and the space left behind requisitioned for a statue of a weeping parrot or something equally worthwhile. What, pray tell, is a "60's accent"? Do you mean that this band sound a bit like, oh dear, they're from the 60s? Oh please, please, please, please, please make it stop. We don't need anymore, "blitzing folk grunge", or "crooked melodies", or "skronky guitar pop" or any of that stuff. We're full now! Over full, in fact. Pretty much sick to our stomachs! Anyway, thanks to a senior LiS operative who sent this in from the field:

"A cover of Dead Kennedys' Holiday In Cambodia which sparks a stage invasion."

A stage invasion. At Norwich Puppet Theatre.

Jesus wept...

Begin forwarded message:
From: "Matthew Grundy" []
Date: 11 March 2009 17:05:12 GMT
Subject: The Woe Betides NME review

Hi there, just to let you know that my new band, The Woe Betides, scored a glowing live review in the NME last week, being described us as "deft puppet-masters of indie". I've attached it in all it's glory for your viewing pleasure.

We've just come to the end of the tour for the release of our debut EP 'Play Dead' (Songs in the Dark), and are preparing for the online release in April. Please have a listen to the band at and let me know if you'd like to find out more about us!

Some of my favourite reviews over the last few months:

"Four ramshackle tidbits of skronky guitar pop. Resolutely lo-fi, DIY, rough around the edges and all the better for it" (Artrocker)

"Agreeably grungey and off-kilter folk-pop duo... suggesting both Simon & Garfunkel and Josh Homme's Desert Sessions." (Time Out)

"The Woe Betides spin wonderfully blister like crooked melodies that hush, stir and pounce into animation without warning, lush with 60’s accents and drizzled with noir phraseology." (Losing Today Magazine)

"Blitzing folk grunge. These voices were made for those guitars, those melodies and those handclaps... woe betide anyone who doesn't play dead." (CMU Music Network)

"A strong sense of drama... asymmetrical folk-pop with unexpected structures and complex arrangements... ‘Boredom is the Killer’ is a fine piece of Brian Eno-style artrock" (SoundsXP)

Tuesday, 3 March 2009

The BullShitts

This is the sort of press release that made us want to start this blog in the first place as it is both inane and pretentious, not an easy trick to pull off. It also makes the band sound like absolute pillocks. Of course, there's a very high chance the band are absolute pillocks - they wouldn't be the first - but their own press people should at least try to lessen that effect, not highlight it, surely? Many thanks to the senior LiS reporter who sent this in with these notes attached:

1) You mean the charge could be levelled, no? Or do you? The sentence is so poorly constructed I can't make it out.
2) You can't be a muse and a band member. That's not how it works.
3) You are either a soprano with a specific vocal range or you are not. You cannot be "Soprano style". And the rest of that sentence is so wrong I can't even begin to think about untangling it.
4) Why suddenly make it "The Bullitts"?
5) Shut it.

The Blank Generalisations

This just in via well-shod courier:

Hello LiS. I was going to send this to you just because it's a monumentally lazy piece of crap that can't even be bothered to add a name. Then I read the last sentence. Oh dear...

Begin forwarded message:

From: Dan Walsh []
Date: 2 March 2009 12:30:29 GMT
Subject: Total Film's 20 Most Underrated Films of all time


TotalBALL’S 20 Most Underrated Films of all time

TotalBALL' has polled its readers via the official website and Twitter feeds AMAZING TWITTERTRONICS! and can unveil their 20 most underrated films of all time.

A full press release is attached. The results will go live on the site tomorrow morning. Please let me know if you’d like to sue this.

Dan Walsh

Grot Milk?

So, there's a "sexy pregnancy and nursing lingerie brand" now? Christ. Couldn't we at least allow women to feed their newborns without expecting to dress up for it in a "sexy" way? Are we now that perverse? Is, oh dear, nothing sacred? Thanks to a long-serving and highly respected LiS operative for this. Shame on you, HOTmilk (the name actually makes me feel unwell, I imagine this is because I'm a sexist pig or something).