Would you please just fack out of my inbox with your awful press release.
---------- Forwarded message ----------
From: George [firstname.lastname@example.org]
Subject: DEC 7th RELEASE ** Skinny Lister- 'December'- 7th December**
**DECEMBER SINGLE & ONES TO WATCH**
Skinny Lister is a harmonious wonder OH GOD, HERE WE GO of modern musical times, totally at one with the 'old style days' WHAT IN THE NAME OF EVERYTHING WE HOLD HOLY DOES 'OLD STYLE DAYS' ACTUALLY MEAN? where humanity and nature weremore SHE MEANS "WERE MORE" closely aligned, before concrete towers BOO! and obstructed horizons DOUBLE-BOO! reduced emotions to a monotonous average OH DO ME A FAVOUR LOVE.
Where folk danced in the countryside PAGING ALL FIRST YEAR THOMAS HARDY STUDENTS, hand in hand with lovers, while friends played their tunes and melodies under the ever-changing skies PERHAPS IF SOMEONE COULD KILL ME NOW? THANKS.
Their second single ‘December’, taken from their forthcoming album scheduled to SHE MEANS "FOR" release next year, is a rich track full of familiarity SO IT'S LIKE A LOAD OF THINGS WE'VE ALREADY HEARD THEN, GREAT!, winter warmth and melancholic memories TITILLATE ME WITH ALLITERATION!. Featuring a beautifully heart felt acoustic arrangement IE BORING ACOUSTIC TWANGING which sets the scene for winters, long days, falling leaves and times from days gone by YOU NEED TO GET OVER THIS 'DAYS GONE BY' CRAP, REAL TALK.
Their beautiful debut track ‘Plough & Orion’ was picked up by 6Music, BBC2‘s ‘The Cut’, Artrocker Magazine, The Independent amongst other *SNOOZES PEACEFULLY*. Skinny Lister’s beautiful songwriting and intimate artrock performances showcase their talents to a tee; sometimes sombre yet sweet in nature and gentle to the ear, a sense of timelessness and creativity make the Skinny Lister experience laid back and effortlessly enjoyable IN SHORT: CATASTROPHICALLY BORING GUITAR TWIDDLERS IN SILLY HATS THEN.
Thursday, 26 November 2009
This just in from an LiS reader who works for a serious internet "journal".
Saturday, 7 November 2009
Sometimes I feel sorry for a PR who is, y'know, trying their best, but just doesn't have the skills to get one past a magnificently unforgiving newspaper professional...
They lost me at "Fans go wild"...
From: "Eleanor" [email@example.com]
SUBJECT: WORLD EXCLUSIVE: FANS GO WILD AS PETER ANDRE AND MUTYA BUENA ANNOUNCE THAT THEY WILL PERFORM ‘UNCONDITIONAL’ FOR THE FIRST TIME TOGETHER AT BORN FREE’S WILD & LIVE
7.30pm SATURDAY 14th NOVEMBER 2009, ROYAL ALBERT HALL
Fans of Peter Andre and ex Sugababe Mutya Buena CAN SOMEONE RESERVE EIGHT SEATS NOW PLEASE will get a unique opportunity to see the two stars "STARS" perform together for the first time in public; at Born Free’s star studded WILD & LIVE at the Royal Albert Hall. Their one-off appearance will set the show alight I WOULD RATHER BE SET ALIGHT THAN SUFFER EVEN ONE SECOND OF THESE TWO BOW-LEGGED, ARSE-FACED, WALL-EYED, CROW-FOOTED, MOUTH-BREATHING, NOSE-PICKING, WASHED-UP SQUAWKERS with a version of Peter’s new single ‘Unconditional’, tipped to be No 1 when it is released next week. AMAZING (IE, NOT AMAZING).
Following Pete’s announcement on Facebook FACEBOOK! BRILLIANT! that he was scheduled to perform at WILD & LIVE in advance of his ‘Revelation Tour’ in 2010, the Born Free offices were inundated by calls from excited fans. SID AND DORIS BONKERS, CALLING FROM NEASDEN ON BEHALF OF THEIR GOD-DAUGHTER, CANAPE (CURRENTLY ON LOCK-DOWN *SAD FACE*).
At the eagerly anticipated WILD & LIVE both Pete and Mutya will perform several of their chart hits THAT'LL BE GOOD before joining together for ‘Unconditional’.
Mutya was in the original chart topping Sugababe line up and the band went on to become one of the most successful UK girl bands in British history, with four platinum selling albums, six number one singles, a BRIT-Award as well as a platinum-selling greatest hits album. THEN SHE LEFT AND HER CAREER DIED LIKE A LOUSE IN A RUSSIAN'S BEARD, REMEMBER THAT BIT?
Peter is now a much loved household name OH DO FACK OFF with a huge and loyal fan base YEAH. He has achieved 8 top 5 singles in the UK alone, including four number 1s. His new single GET ON WITH IT...
WILD & LIVE takes place at the Royal Albert Hall on Saturday 14th November at 7:30pm where Peter and Mutya will be joined by an international line-up of top stars from the world of music and entertainment. Including THIS IS THE REALLY GOOD BIT
Bryan Adams (OK, STAR), Martin Clunes (MORE OF A TWAT THAN A STAR, TBH), Beverley Craven (HAHAHAHAHA), Karen Hardy (WHO SHE?) and Mark Ramprakash (WHO HE?), Gabriella Cilmi (NOT A STAR), Kiki Dee (HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA) and Carmelo Luggeri (WHO HE?), Rolf Harris (STAR), Tony Mortimer (HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA), Robert Wells (WHO HE?), Fuse (WHO THEY?), African Drummers (WHAT, ALL OF THEM?), Fire Poet (EH?), Inspire Choir (WHO?), Nick Knowles (COCK-END), Donal and Ameera MacIntyre (COCK-ENDS), John Altman (THEY MEAN NICK COTTON), Michael McKell (WHO HE?), Gary Webster (WHO HE?) and Wendy Turner (WHO SHE?), Rula Lenska (AMAZING), Anneka Rice (NOT AMAZING), Catriona Wiles (WHO SHE?) and Partner (WHO?) Virginia McKenna (DESERVES HIGHER BILLING), Joanna Lumley (DESERVES MUCH HIGHER BILLING), Graham Norton (TWAT), Lady Victoria Hervey (HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA), Helen Worth (THEY MEAN GAIL TILSLEY), Mark Austin (WHO HE?).
Marking the 25th Anniversary of the Born Free Foundation, funds raised from the concert will help save the lives of over 25,000 animals in the wild and alleviate the suffering of animals in captivity, including many threatened and endangered species OH NEVER MIND ABOUT ALL THAT SHIT, WHEN'S NICK COTTON ON?).
A special range of WILD & LIVE merchandise has been produced including specially designed T.Shirts and ribbons and with profits from the sale of each item going to save the OH WOTEVA...
Tuesday, 3 November 2009
This just in from an LiS operative working undercover. Claiming you're the "Simon Cowell" of anything is so reductive and pointless, so leaden and tiresome and silly and misguided and useless it makes my teeth ache. To say you're the Simon Cowell of Pissoirs - indeed, to trumpet the idea in a press release - is to shout from the very rooftops that you are a lumpen oaf. It is Titanically awful. Still, as long as your name "gets about", eh.
From: Alex Garvey [firstname.lastname@example.org]
Date: Tue, 3 Nov 2009 15:08:36 -0000
Subject: I'm The Simon Cowell of urinals
Hi – would you like to feature this? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! NO.
“I’m the Simon Cowell of urinals!”
He’s created everything - from door knobs for Sir Elton John to luxurious clubs for A-listers and places for ladies who lunch in Harvey Nichols…to kebab shops and park benches in the Midlands THE MIDLANDS - THAT'S WHERE POOR PEOPLE LIVE :( Now interior designer Philip Watts is staging a retrospective, back at the university where it all began.
He says: “It’s our guiding philosophy to take uninteresting, unloved objects and breathe new life into them, make them exciting.
“We’ve turned our attention to objects as disparate as urinals, door handles and cigarette bins. Anything unloved and uninteresting, let’s play with it and make it stimulating and exciting. OH AMAZING.
“I suppose I have a fascination with objects, I say, ‘God, you’re dull. Why are you dull? There’s no need for you to be dull. THIS IS PRECISELY WHAT I WAS THINKING. Let’s make you good.’
“People LIKE WHO? say we give objects personality. It’s like the X Factor for the uninteresting architecture of life. I am the Simon Cowell of urinals! We take boring objects and we turn them into stars and then send them out into the OH CHRIST ALRIGHT, GIVE IT A REST...
Monday, 2 November 2009
It's been a while, sorry. Had a lot on.
This just in from an LiS operative embedded in the field. And stuff.
This just in from an LiS operative embedded in the field. And stuff.
Some time back I sent you a monumentally stupid press release about net curtains unfairly being the butt of music hall jokes - unfair because of how they stop burglars getting into your house and all that.
I now feel I was a little harsh on senders of that first email. For I have now been sent another release - about window dressings, again - which is so horrifically dreadful I am convinced it is sent to me in malice. I shall resist self-harming however, and hoping you don't mind too much, will send it to you to do with it as you will. I'm upset, you can imagine.
To be fair, it is not all bad. I can't deny I enjoyed the reference to "canopes" and the use of "!" where there really is no need, although I do like the graph demonstrating just how each type of blind connects with different areas of the UK.
----- Forwarded 27/10/2009 16:20
FROM: "Kirsty Hunt" [email@example.com]
SUBJECT: Where we live affects window dressing, reveals research
Where we live has a huge influence on our choice of window dressing, according to research published today.
A new report has revealed that homeowners living in the Midlands opt for Vertical blinds, as do those in the South East. Whereas people living in the North West like the simplicity of Venetian blinds, the South West has a preference for Pleated and those in the North East, Scotland, Ireland and Wales favour Roller blinds THIS IS AMAZING STUFF - KEEP GOING!
And according to Jenny Eaton from NAME DELETED Northampton “MIDLANDERS LIKE THEIR PRIVACY”. DID SHE SCREAM IT LIKE THAT TOO? IS SHE MAD? She said, “Northampton, like many Midlands-based towns, has quite a few terraced houses where the front room window looks out on to the street. Vertical blinds are the best equivalent to net curtains, which are now considered old fashioned, and offer privacy without blocking out too much light, which is why I think they’re so popular.” I THINK I LOVE YOU, JENNY.
The study was carried out by NAME DELETED Blinds, one of the UK and Ireland’s largest retailers of blinds, shutters and awnings.
Homeowners in the South East are adopting the trend for shutters faster than anywhere else in the UK and Ireland, with twice as many customers fitting shutters in their homes. INCREDIBLE - THIS IS THE SORT OF INCISIVE STUFF WE'D PROBABLY LOSE IN A "FREEMIUM"-LED UNIVERSE.
More awnings and canopes CANOPES! LIKE CANOPIES, ONLY NOT QUITE AS USEFUL IN THE RAIN (OR THE SUN) are also sold in the South East than the rest of the country – it must be the weather! YES! HAHAHAHAHA! IT MUST BE!
General Manager of NAME DELETED Blinds Gary Chambers said: “I WANTED TO BE A TRAIN DRIVER OR AN ASTRONAUT. OR EVEN A POLICEMAN. BUT NO. I SELL BLINDS. FRANKLY, IT WOULD BE BETTER IF I'D NEVER BEEN BORN [sad face]. We started to see some general trends and decided to delve deeper into different regions’ buying decisions and style choice. We thought there would be more OH, ALRIGHT, "GARY". GIVE IT A REST.
“We knew shutters were really taking off in the South East, but it was interesting to see that Roller Blinds were the most popular option in Scotland. YES, THAT MUST HAVE BEEN AN AMAZING DAY IN THE OFFICE WHEN THAT NEWS CAME IN! I BET YOU LOT AT NAME DELETED BLINDS MUST HAVE GONE FACKING MENTAL WHEN THE WHOLE "ROLLER BLINDS IN SCOTLAND" INFO BEGAN TO FILTER THROUGH ON THE OLD TICKER-TAPE MACHINE. I SEE DOLLY-BIRD SECRETARIES KISSING FLUSTERED MANAGING DIRECTORS, JUNIOR OFFICE CLERKS DREAMING OF AN EXTRA HALF OF MILD AT LUNCHTIME AND THE ENTIRE SALES-FORCE SAT IN LINE IN THE CAR-PARK REVVING THEIR SIERRAS. WHAT A DAY. WHAT A DAY!
“Shutters, Verticals and Venetians offer more privacy over roller and roman blinds so maybe this says something about people living in these regions!” CHRIST, YES! IT DOES! IT REALLY DOES!
He added: “The best selling blind in the whole of the UK is the Roller blind.” GARY, YOU ARE THE MOST INCREDIBLE MAN. THANK YOU! FROM ALL OF US! THANK YOU!
To find your nearest NAME DELETED Blinds stockist visit www.GOOGLE.co.uk or call DIRECTORY ENQUIRIES