Lost In Showbiz

The Weighting Game

2010-09-28T03:29:00.000-07:00

This is very much the sort of thing we see every day. The sort of thing that makes us think, who is running this industry? Who would ever want to connect with this person or the company they represent? I, literally, couldn't care less about the concept of Clegg or Cameron developing a problem with their waistlines and even I know that picture of Clegg's "paunch" was, like, a month ago or something.

Can you imagine a more inane, pointless and soul-crushing way to spend your day than to pump this crap out and then, a day or two later, grimace determinedly and do a phone-around to try and drum up even the merest trickle of interest?

Kill. Me. Now.

Anyway. Here it is. Thanks to a bespectacled man in a smart W1 office for this.

From: "Holly DELETED" [holly DELETED@speedymail.org]
Date: 28 September 2010 10:51:06 GMT+01:00
Subject: Cameron and Clegg and the battle of the bulge

Cameron and Clegg and the battle of the bulge

David Cameron and Nick Clegg are locked into an unexpected, but nonetheless fierce battle with each other … the battle of their expanding girths [THEY'RE NOT THOUGH, ARE THEY? NOT IN ANY WAY AT ALL.]

“It is not unusual for men in early middle age to start piling on the pounds,” said Alison DELETED, CEO of Britain’s fastest growing weight loss specialists NAME DELETED.

“It is particularly difficult for Cameron and Clegg because they attend almost daily lunches and banquettes [SHE SAYS, LIKE SHE HAS ANY IDEA]. The answer for them is the same as anyone else: sensible lifestyle change [SENSIBLE LIFESTYLE CHANGE? DO THEY SMOKE? TAKE DRUGS? DRINK TOO MUCH? OR IS IT NONE OF THOSE?] and food choices,” she said.

There has been plenty of chatter emanating from inside and outside No. 10 but one insider [OH PLEASE DON'T DO THIS] said: “Both men are worried about their paunches. The contest is under way over who’s going to reduce their BLAHBLAHBLAH.”

NAME DELETED have offered the Prime Minister and Deputy Prime Minister free individually tailored weight loss programmes and support. So far there has been no response from Downing Street [NO. AND THERE NEVER WILL BE, WILL THERE?]

The Prime Minister has employed the fitness guru Matt Roberts, whose clients include Naomi Campbell and Amanda Holden, to help him keep fit. [RIGHT, SO THAT'S DAVID CAMERON TAKEN CARE OF, WHO'S NEXT?]

Mr Cameron [HANG ON, HAVEN'T WE DONE HIM?] is known to be a keen jogger and when in opposition he famously cycled from Notting Hill to Westminster followed by a Jag carrying his shoes!

SHOULDN'T THERE BE SOME HORSESHIT ABOUT CLEGG IN HERE?

“Over-weight people could BLAHBLAHBLAHBLAH,” said NAME DELETED, Nutrition and Fitness Advisor for weight-loss programme NAME DELETED.

“However, BLAHBLAHBLAH.” said Mr NAME DELETED.

“NAME DELETED plans reduce weight by supplying healthy calorie controlled OH CHRIST ALRIGHT, GIVE IT A REST.”

"RAGGAE" MUSIC SPECIAL

2010-09-27T04:46:00.000-07:00

When we started this blog we used to receive five or six absolutely shocking PR emails every week. Now we get hardly any - really. Oh there are boring ones and silly ones, but the regularity of properly jaw-dropping missives has fallen away to, well, none. Perhaps we have been a benign force? That's a nice idea, isn't it? Shame it's absolute horseshit.

Today we received an email so bad we've had to drag ourselves out of our bath chairs in order to share it with the world.

So here it is.

From: james DELETED [jamesDELETED@gmail.com]
Subject: IRISH BAND ININN [that's Ininn, remember that] NAMED SECOND BEST [second best!] NEWCOMING [what does "newcoming" mean?] RAGGAE [what's "raggae"?] BAND IN EUROPE AT SUSPLASH [what's "Susplash"?] – THE BIGGEST RAGGAE [what's "raggae" again?] FESTIVAL IN EUROPE

Hi,

I hope you find the below to be of interest [WELL, I LOVE SECOND STRING IRISH RAGGAE BANDS, SO HERE'S HOPING]

Intinn [OH, IT'S "INTINN" NOW IS IT? ONLY YOU CALLED THEM "ININN" IN THE SUBJECT LINE. ARE THEY STILL RAGGAE?], one of the most unique sounding bands to emerge from Ireland [IF BY "UNIQUE" YOU MEAN HACKNEYED, THEN YES] have been named the second best [SECOND BEST!] new coming [EH?] Reggae [AT LAST!] band in Europe following a live final at Rototom Sunsplash [WELL DONE!] Festival in Barcelona. This festival is one of the biggest in Europe attracting over 160,000 people from all over the world. Intinn [THAT'S THE RAGGAE BAND, INTINN, RIGHT?] were at Sunsplash representing Ireland [YES, WE GATHERED THAT] and the UK after winning an “ Ex Factor” [OK, IT'S CALLED X FACTOR, EVERYONE IN THE WORLD KNOWS THAT NOW] style competition which saw them win a public vote and then a live performance at London’s One Love Raggae [AND WE'RE BACK WITH THE "RAGGAE"] Festival.

Intinn are a unique ["UNIQUE"] five-piece band from the West of Ireland. Their music is a distinct blend of reggae, dub and drum “n” base [IT'S CALLED "DRUM AND BASS"] with a Celtic trad twist [SOUNDS GREAT! *KILLS SELF WITH AFRO CELT SOUND SYSTEM CD*]. The group have strong family ties to some of the biggest names in trad and folk music; specifically the lead singer Cian Finn is the son of Alec Finn one of the founders of De Dannan [*MAKES "WHO'S THAT?" FACE*]. Intinn are renowned for their live performances and have supported famous groups such as UB40, Kila [*MAKES "WHO'S THAT?" FACE* AGAIN] and Horance Andy [DO YOU, PERHAPS, MEAN "RAGGAE" LEGEND, HORACE ANDY?].

Speaking after performing at Rototom Sunsplash Festival lead vocalist Cian Finn said “We were delighted to have represented Ireland and the UK at one of the largest festivals in Europe [YOU'VE DONE THIS BIT]. We are very proud that we are putting Celtic Dub music [*REVIVES SLIGHTLY THEN KILLS SELF AGAIN*] on the map. This marks a significant point in the influence that elements of Irish BLAHBLAHBLAHBLAHBLAH."

Intinn are playing a special showcase gig on Wednesday the 13th October in Crawdaddy, Dublin. Their current self titled album is available on www.intinnsound.com and is being remixed by super Reggae & Dub producer “The Scientist” [DO YOU, PERHAPS, MEAN "RAGGAE" LEGEND HOPETON BROWN, KNOWN INTERNATIONALLY FOR NEARLY THIRTY YEARS AS, SIMPLY, SCIENTIST? ONLY "THE SCIENTIST" WAS RESPONSIBLE FOR ONE BREAKBEAT TECHNO TRACK IN 1990 AND, AS FAR AS I KNOW, NEVER HAD A HAND IN ANY "RAGGAE" RECORDS.]

-----------------------ENDS--------------------

But, of course, it doesn't end there because James wants to bang on some more. Trust me, you don't want to know how painful it gets, suffice to say at one point he talks about how, "the band played in the Emerald Island’s south, north, east anad [sic] west" and it was at that point we decided we wanted to be dead.

If we were Intinn's, or is it Innin's?, management team, or, indeed, if we were unlucky enough to be in the second best "raggae" band in Ireland, or wherever, we would be bloody furious about this crap coming out under our name. But we're not. We're just hacks playing it for laughs. Only it's not very funny, is it?

WARNING: Post Contains Worst Opening Sentence To A Press Release Ever Written

2010-01-29T01:17:00.000-08:00

Can we just sit back for a minute and think about the opening sentence to this press release?

Imagine if you will that your job is to promote some utter bullshit about pyjamas or something. I know it's soul-sapping work, but just how fatally bored by, contemptuous of and uninspired by the whole affair would you have to be to start your piece, "Didn't you know... Sleep is the new black!"

Sleep is the new black? Is there a journalist in the world who wouldn't have just deleted that on sight? What was the point in you writing it? Why would anybody read that? Who in their right mind, after reading that, is going to give you or the half-arsed product you're attempting to flog a single extra second of their time when even you are bored by it and you're, presumably, getting paid to make it sound interesting?

PRs - this is why journalists hate being spammed. However much you try and make your press releases "fun" and "chatty" this is the sort of badly written, achingly silly balls (written by someone who calls themsleves a "PR Executive", no less) we always seem to end up with. Thanks to an LiS operative situated in Australia for sending this in.

Hi there LiS. Thought you would love "Launch Initiative" even more than I do, so I have attached a recent piece of crap they sent me. Sadly, they don't seem to understand the emails I send them that say UNSUBSCRIBE or PLEASE TAKE ME OFF YOUR LIST or even F*CK OFF.

FORWARDED MESSAGE____
FROM: liabelle@launchin.net
Media Release AMAZING

Didn't you know...Sleep is the new black! *DELETES*

From the innovators of Launch Initiative Fashion somes SHE MEANS "COMES" a brand new concept Launch Sleep EH?. For designers looking to expand their portfolio to include sleepwear or graphic design, or even better...both, look to SHE MEANS "NO" further. DO YOU WANT TO HAVE ANOTHER TRY AT THIS SENTENCE?

Launch Initiative Sleep enables fashion designers and graphic designers to try their hand at designing pyjamas and graphic prints for pyjama fabrics GREAT - WHAT A BRILLIANT OPPORTUNITY. This is a hugely valuable, not to mention exciting- WHAT'S GOING ON HERE? opportunity to try your hand at graphic design.

Have you been wanting a pair of wide-legged tie-dyed and studded pyjama pants for...like...ever! HAVE A GUESS. IF YOU GUESSED ANYONE IN THE WORLD SAID, "YES!" TRY AGAIN Well now you can have them thanks to Launch Sleep.

Launch Sleep is starting with a standard sleepwear pattern and is looking for designers to construct a print story ARSE STORY for the collection.

Each month Launch Sleep will be offering more opportunities through the Initiative THE WHAT? to include opportunities to design sleepwear separates and accessories. You could be the very next Peter Alexander WHO HE?

The idea with Launch Sleep is similar to Launch Fashion, where all the designs are submitted for BLAHBLAHBLAHBLAHBLAH.

The winning designer gets $500 cash, plus BLAHBLAHBLAHBLAHBLAHBLAH.

To become a designer with Launch Sleep you need to BLAHBLAH 'ask an expert' page and receive huge BLAHBLAHBLAH store.

To become apart of this incredible program, or if you jast SHE MEANS "JUST" want to find out more about it, go to www.NAMEDELETED.net, there are limited positions available OH YEAH, I FACKING BET THEY ARE, so wake up, sign up and start your career now! FUNNILY ENOUGH I KNOW SOMEONE WHO NEEDS A NEW CAREER

Lia-Belle King

Marketing/PR Executive

Launch Initiative

Unit 10, 34-36 Ralph St

Alexandria, NSW, 2015

Snow Balls

2010-01-12T06:18:00.000-08:00

Do you know what a Sliderobe is? No, me neither. Can you imagine how much you would physically ache for the chilly, but ever-open arms of sweet, sweet death if your life's work entailed trying to explain to bored, catastrophically disinterested hacks what Sliderobes, like, are? Personally, I would throw myself under a lorry (perhaps one out gritting), if only to spare the rest of the world the brutal waves of self-loathing that would spill off me like the hum of cheap wine if I had to crank out this bollocks. But Niamh Boyle - and the legion of Niamh Boyles that keep this farrago on the road all year round - just plug away regardless, like shucking Sliderobes is just a job and why get so upset about it? Sure, we all wanted a little more as children, but then life happens and there you are. Plugging pointless crap for a "living". Still, time's winged chariots and all that, eh?

Thanks to the LiS operative situated in, actually, I have no idea where they are, but thank you anyway.

Hello LiS. Thought you might like this snow-related press release I received today via Property4Media.

SUBJECT: The Blanket Of Snow Has A Silver Lining For Householders – And Sliderobes!

12 Jan 2010

As snow blankets the country, Sliderobes showrooms are seeing a huge increase in interest "INTEREST" in their space-saving fitted bedroom furniture. Niamh Boyle, marketing manager, said, “We have seen a quite remarkable, and most unexpected, phenomenon recently. YES, I BET YOU HAVE!

“Several TRANS: TWO customers have told us that when the snow came down heavily, they ended up being confined in their home for days. For the first time, often in ages, they looked around their house properly. They didn’t like what they saw and many of them took the opportunity to try to sort out clutter. THIS BIT MAKES ME WANT TO BE DEAD.

“They said they really began to see things that had irritated them mildly I HATE THINGS THAT IRRITATE ME MILDLY. Things like bags stuffed under the chest of drawers YES, HATE THAT, boxes piled on top of their freestanding wardrobe THAT TOO and clutter that had never found a permanent home I AM PHYSICALLY SICKENED BY CLUTTER THAT HAS NEVER FOUND A PERMANENT HOME. Confined to the house, they had the time to think about permanently solving those storage problems,” she added AND THE WELCOMING EMBRACE OF DEATH, DON'T FORGET THAT, NIAMH.

As a result, for Sliderobes, who tailor-make fitted bedroom furniture, this has been a bumper time. It seems that as soon as the weather lifts, customers want to tackle the problem once and for all I WAGER THEY'LL HAVE FORGOTTEN ABOUT IT ALL BY THEN, TBH.

Niamh added, “It’s often said that every cloud has a silver lining. Many of us spend our time rushing to and fro, falling into bed exhausted at the end of each day, never really getting to grips with challenges LIKE ALL THOSE MILD IRRITATIONS, YES.

“Whilst we wouldn’t wish this dreadful weather on anyone HAHAHA!, it really has been a bonus for us. At virtually every one of our showrooms TRANS: ONE OF THEM, we’ve had customers through the door – or in many cases on the phone - who have said that spending more time at home has meant that they have seen their clutter as it really is,” she explained. NIAMH, IS THIS IT? DON'T YOU WANT TO GET OUT? MAYBE ASK A LITTLE MORE OF LIFE THAN THIS?

Sliderobes, which creates bespoke OH WOTEVA.

Christmas Crappers

2009-12-17T12:14:00.000-08:00

Oh look! Amazing! A record made by some blokes and released on Sony is Number One! That means that another record sung by a bloke and released on Sony won't be Number One! Eat that, Nasty Nigel or whatever your bloody name is. Stuff you, I won't buy what you tell me! I'll buy what someone on Facebook tells me to instead. So there.

This just in from a well-turned out chap who's just moved to a new office somewhere swish.

Lesson one at Bad PR University: Attempt to align your dismal campaign with whatever might be happening in the world of things people do actually want to write about, even though this will ultimately result in making your client seem even less relevant than they were to begin with.

Lesson two: Write your press release in the manner of something that's been translated from a foreign language.

---------- Forwarded message ----------
From: Chris Hall [chris.jdwpr@googlemail.com]
Date: 2009/12/15
Subject: J-Proc/ The £20 independent alternative to Joe & RATM

Hello There,

"A Christmas Song (Stuff The Turkey)"

As You ME? are well aware – the Christmas this year GREAT START! has EH? an exciting battle between Joe McElderry and Rage Against the Machine brewing YES, LIKE A SCHOOLBOY'S FART. However, everyone is saying that the real winner are HE MEANS IS Sony – given that both acts are signed to subsidiary record labels. So, I just wanted to remind you of the home-made independent alternative by duo J-Proc DEFINITELY COULD'VE DONE WITH MORE COMMAS. With a single and video which cost £20 in total AND I BET THEY LOOK LIKE IT TOO, the novelty pairing have released a seasonal take of HE MEANS ON the novelty record with a contemporary feel NOVELTY AND CONTEMPORARY, YOU'RE SPOILING US. With a growing popularity on youTube HE MEANS YouTube and lots of discussion in forums HE MEANS ON FORUMS, the pair found themselves in Amazon’s Top 100 briefly REALLY? HOW IMPRESSIVE on Monday OH for their attempt at the Top 40 AN ATTEMPT THAT FAILED. WHY ARE YOU STILL TELLING ME ABOUT IT?

“It don't feel like Christmas no more, with no novelty records innit OH CHRIST So we is bringing you the novelty record to top them all, 'A Christmas Song (Stuff The Turkey)'” - Proc Proc ALI G WAS BRILLIANT, WASN'T HE?

“I love this time of year man OH SHIT, it doesn't get better than dancing with your friends to the latest Christmas song. This year we thought people needed something other than Noddy Holder and OH SHUT UP.

In a year which could have provided X Factor's Jedward as the closest thing this country has seen to a novelty Christmas record I SORT OF SEE WHAT YOU MEAN HERE BUT YOU REALLY SHOULD HAVE HAD ANOTHER GO AT THIS BIT, J-Proc have decided to be late entrants into the race for the Christmas number 1 A RACE YOU'VE ALREADY TOLD US THAT THEY'VE LOST as an independent, self-funded competitor with their frolicsome AMAZING! dance and sing-along tune "A Christmas Song (Stuff The Turkey)". With the competition tough, they hope that their brand of cheesy techno pop IT SOUNDS GOOD ALREADY can recapture the fun of the Christmas record that has been missing in recent years AGAIN WITH THE TERRIBLE WRITING.

The single is accompanied by a home-made music video OH JUST KILL ME NOW. Both Proc Proc and JW are keen to do interviews YES, I BET THEY ARE about their novelty crusade or at least garner a few mentions AIM LOW - GOOD TACTIC as THE real Christmas record this year WHATEVER THAT MEANS. If you need anything further, please BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH.

Best

Chris Hall

Top Of The Pop Ups

2009-12-11T03:47:00.001-08:00

I'm going to step aside and let this angry LiS operative situated in a position of power at a national newspaper take over. "Pop Up" PRs would do well to read on...

Will you c**t-witted PRs desperate to appear hip to your suited clients please f*ck off with your pop up clubs/bars/shops and assorted twat emporiums?

Recently I've had:

Laura from Money with the email: Rosie Lovell pop up restaurant and cultural Christmas experience! She's the author of Spooning with Rosie, dontcha know?

Nicola from Coverdale Davis comes up with her original idea: Blaguette Pop-Up Shop. Except there is nothing pop up about it. It's a f*cking shop full stop.

Love Fashion come out a corker that combines the new buzz word and street talk in such an excruciating fashion that even a hip Geography teacher would squirm at it.
Invitation: Fashion X Showroom, pop-up boutique and 'Da Sidewalk is da Catwalk' (THIS ONE ACTUALLY MAKES A LITTLE BIT OF SICK APPEAR IN MY MOUTH *sad face*)

Cassandra at de Winter PR has obviously never heard of temporary radio licenses that have been handed out for decades. Or pirate radio either for that matter. Now - drum roll - it is a pop up station.

Then the normally reliable James at Sony sent out:
THIRD MAN ANNOUNCE SPECIAL LONDON POP UP STORE & DEAD WEATHER TV.

And then this one. Every single year in my home town an empty shop is taken over for a couple of weeks to flog Christmas wrapping paper and gift tags only to close on Boxing day. Here in London a temporary Christmas gift shop is a pop up urban shop. C*nts!

----- Forwarded message -----
FROM: Eva McBride [eva@gonefishingpr.com]
Subject: You are invited to the Christmas Flying Eye Pop Up Urban Shop preview

FLYING EYE BALL POP UP SHOP AND EXHIBITION
10am- 8pm
27 CORK STREET, MAYFAIR, LONDON

INKIE, the King Pin AMAZING! of the UK Graffiti scene for the past 25 years returns this Christmas to bring us a whole sack-full of original art works, canvases, prints, toys, sculptures, T-shirts and books from some of Europe’s finest artists. This urban pop up shop is one of it’s SHE MEANS ONE OF "A" kind, and will be found popping-up in delightful Cork Street, Mayfair, the hub of London’s Art finery LONDON'S ART WHAT?. This is the first of many Flying Eyeball Productions so watch this art space AMAZING (AGAIN)! This Christmas Pop up shop is the strongest visual feast from any European Urban Art Exhibition this season OH RLY?

The pop up shop will open its doors to the public just in time to snap up some one-of-a kind, quirky Christmas gifts, perfect for the man or woman who has everything. 24 carat gold leaf prints from INKIE and 28 colour screen prints from Drum and Bass legend Goldie, will be on offer to tickle your festive fancy GOOD WORK, KEEP GOING.

Other stocking filler goodies including unique sculptures and toys will be on offer from *DEEP BREATH* Heavy Dave, Shoe, Inkie, Eine, Scalp Rot, Mysterious Al, Sickboy, Chew My Boxers, Insa, Zeus, Hush, Mau Mau, Stink-gasm, Kid Acne, Steff Plaetz, Chu, Shok 1, RYCA, Asthmatic Prawn, David Walker, Wazzock, China Mike, Part2ism, Ben Allen, Andy Council-House, Pure Evil, Shazer, George Morton Clark, Milk, Heavy Biscuits, Dora and Don. And Winky. And Blouse. I'VE MADE SOME OF THESE UP - CAN YOU GUESS WHICH ONES?

Heralding from the infamous Bristol School of Graffiti BAD WRITING ALERT, Inkie has been identified as one of the leading UK urban artists alongside Banksy, Nick Walker and Massive Attacks SHE MEANS MASSIVE ATTACK'S 3D. A dominant presence for over 2 SHE MEANS TWO decades on the international graffiti scene, Inkie’s trademark Ink Nouveau ladies and striking wildstyles draw from diverse inspiration ranging from *READS FROM OLD PRESS RELEASE* Art Nouveau, Ancient Architecture, Natural forms and Islamic Geometry. RIGHT YOU ARE.

A private press and buyers viewing will also take place on OH WOTEVA...

What's The Skinny?

2009-11-26T04:06:00.001-08:00

This just in from an LiS reader who works for a serious internet "journal".

Would you please just fack out of my inbox with your awful press release.

---------- Forwarded message ----------
From: George [georgia@freewheelinmedia.com]
Date: 2009/11/26
Subject: DEC 7th RELEASE ** Skinny Lister- 'December'- 7th December**

**DECEMBER SINGLE & ONES TO WATCH**

Hello!

Skinny Lister is a harmonious wonder OH GOD, HERE WE GO of modern musical times, totally at one with the 'old style days' WHAT IN THE NAME OF EVERYTHING WE HOLD HOLY DOES 'OLD STYLE DAYS' ACTUALLY MEAN? where humanity and nature weremore SHE MEANS "WERE MORE" closely aligned, before concrete towers BOO! and obstructed horizons DOUBLE-BOO! reduced emotions to a monotonous average OH DO ME A FAVOUR LOVE.

Where folk danced in the countryside PAGING ALL FIRST YEAR THOMAS HARDY STUDENTS, hand in hand with lovers, while friends played their tunes and melodies under the ever-changing skies PERHAPS IF SOMEONE COULD KILL ME NOW? THANKS.

Their second single ‘December’, taken from their forthcoming album scheduled to SHE MEANS "FOR" release next year, is a rich track full of familiarity SO IT'S LIKE A LOAD OF THINGS WE'VE ALREADY HEARD THEN, GREAT!, winter warmth and melancholic memories TITILLATE ME WITH ALLITERATION!. Featuring a beautifully heart felt acoustic arrangement IE BORING ACOUSTIC TWANGING which sets the scene for winters, long days, falling leaves and times from days gone by YOU NEED TO GET OVER THIS 'DAYS GONE BY' CRAP, REAL TALK.

Their beautiful debut track ‘Plough & Orion’ was picked up by 6Music, BBC2‘s ‘The Cut’, Artrocker Magazine, The Independent amongst other *SNOOZES PEACEFULLY*. Skinny Lister’s beautiful songwriting and intimate artrock performances showcase their talents to a tee; sometimes sombre yet sweet in nature and gentle to the ear, a sense of timelessness and creativity make the Skinny Lister experience laid back and effortlessly enjoyable IN SHORT: CATASTROPHICALLY BORING GUITAR TWIDDLERS IN SILLY HATS THEN.

Andre And Buena: Together At Last!

2009-11-07T06:09:00.001-08:00

Sometimes I feel sorry for a PR who is, y'know, trying their best, but just doesn't have the skills to get one past a magnificently unforgiving newspaper professional...

Dear LiS

They lost me at "Fans go wild"...

FWD MESSAGE______________________________
From: "Eleanor" [eleanor@bornfree.org.uk]

SUBJECT: WORLD EXCLUSIVE: FANS GO WILD AS PETER ANDRE AND MUTYA BUENA ANNOUNCE THAT THEY WILL PERFORM ‘UNCONDITIONAL’ FOR THE FIRST TIME TOGETHER AT BORN FREE’S WILD & LIVE

7.30pm SATURDAY 14th NOVEMBER 2009, ROYAL ALBERT HALL

Fans of Peter Andre and ex Sugababe Mutya Buena CAN SOMEONE RESERVE EIGHT SEATS NOW PLEASE will get a unique opportunity to see the two stars "STARS" perform together for the first time in public; at Born Free’s star studded WILD & LIVE at the Royal Albert Hall. Their one-off appearance will set the show alight I WOULD RATHER BE SET ALIGHT THAN SUFFER EVEN ONE SECOND OF THESE TWO BOW-LEGGED, ARSE-FACED, WALL-EYED, CROW-FOOTED, MOUTH-BREATHING, NOSE-PICKING, WASHED-UP SQUAWKERS with a version of Peter’s new single ‘Unconditional’, tipped to be No 1 when it is released next week. AMAZING (IE, NOT AMAZING).

Following Pete’s announcement on Facebook FACEBOOK! BRILLIANT! that he was scheduled to perform at WILD & LIVE in advance of his ‘Revelation Tour’ in 2010, the Born Free offices were inundated by calls from excited fans. SID AND DORIS BONKERS, CALLING FROM NEASDEN ON BEHALF OF THEIR GOD-DAUGHTER, CANAPE (CURRENTLY ON LOCK-DOWN *SAD FACE*).

At the eagerly anticipated WILD & LIVE both Pete and Mutya will perform several of their chart hits THAT'LL BE GOOD before joining together for ‘Unconditional’.

Mutya was in the original chart topping Sugababe line up and the band went on to become one of the most successful UK girl bands in British history, with four platinum selling albums, six number one singles, a BRIT-Award as well as a platinum-selling greatest hits album. THEN SHE LEFT AND HER CAREER DIED LIKE A LOUSE IN A RUSSIAN'S BEARD, REMEMBER THAT BIT?

Peter is now a much loved household name OH DO FACK OFF with a huge and loyal fan base YEAH. He has achieved 8 top 5 singles in the UK alone, including four number 1s. His new single GET ON WITH IT...

WILD & LIVE takes place at the Royal Albert Hall on Saturday 14th November at 7:30pm where Peter and Mutya will be joined by an international line-up of top stars from the world of music and entertainment. Including THIS IS THE REALLY GOOD BIT

Bryan Adams (OK, STAR), Martin Clunes (MORE OF A TWAT THAN A STAR, TBH), Beverley Craven (HAHAHAHAHA), Karen Hardy (WHO SHE?) and Mark Ramprakash (WHO HE?), Gabriella Cilmi (NOT A STAR), Kiki Dee (HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA) and Carmelo Luggeri (WHO HE?), Rolf Harris (STAR), Tony Mortimer (HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA), Robert Wells (WHO HE?), Fuse (WHO THEY?), African Drummers (WHAT, ALL OF THEM?), Fire Poet (EH?), Inspire Choir (WHO?), Nick Knowles (COCK-END), Donal and Ameera MacIntyre (COCK-ENDS), John Altman (THEY MEAN NICK COTTON), Michael McKell (WHO HE?), Gary Webster (WHO HE?) and Wendy Turner (WHO SHE?), Rula Lenska (AMAZING), Anneka Rice (NOT AMAZING), Catriona Wiles (WHO SHE?) and Partner (WHO?) Virginia McKenna (DESERVES HIGHER BILLING), Joanna Lumley (DESERVES MUCH HIGHER BILLING), Graham Norton (TWAT), Lady Victoria Hervey (HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA), Helen Worth (THEY MEAN GAIL TILSLEY), Mark Austin (WHO HE?).

Marking the 25th Anniversary of the Born Free Foundation, funds raised from the concert will help save the lives of over 25,000 animals in the wild and alleviate the suffering of animals in captivity, including many threatened and endangered species OH NEVER MIND ABOUT ALL THAT SHIT, WHEN'S NICK COTTON ON?).

A special range of WILD & LIVE merchandise has been produced including specially designed T.Shirts and ribbons and with profits from the sale of each item going to save the OH WOTEVA...

He's The Simon Cowell Of Urinals, Apparently

2009-11-03T07:46:00.000-08:00

This just in from an LiS operative working undercover. Claiming you're the "Simon Cowell" of anything is so reductive and pointless, so leaden and tiresome and silly and misguided and useless it makes my teeth ache. To say you're the Simon Cowell of Pissoirs - indeed, to trumpet the idea in a press release - is to shout from the very rooftops that you are a lumpen oaf. It is Titanically awful. Still, as long as your name "gets about", eh.

Forwarded Message
From: Alex Garvey [alex@londonpragency.com]
Date: Tue, 3 Nov 2009 15:08:36 -0000
Subject: I'm The Simon Cowell of urinals

Hi – would you like to feature this? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! NO.

“I’m the Simon Cowell of urinals!”

He’s created everything - from door knobs for Sir Elton John to luxurious clubs for A-listers and places for ladies who lunch in Harvey Nichols…to kebab shops and park benches in the Midlands THE MIDLANDS - THAT'S WHERE POOR PEOPLE LIVE :( Now interior designer Philip Watts is staging a retrospective, back at the university where it all began.

He says: “It’s our guiding philosophy to take uninteresting, unloved objects and breathe new life into them, make them exciting.

“We’ve turned our attention to objects as disparate as urinals, door handles and cigarette bins. Anything unloved and uninteresting, let’s play with it and make it stimulating and exciting. OH AMAZING.

“I suppose I have a fascination with objects, I say, ‘God, you’re dull. Why are you dull? There’s no need for you to be dull. THIS IS PRECISELY WHAT I WAS THINKING. Let’s make you good.’

“People LIKE WHO? say we give objects personality. It’s like the X Factor for the uninteresting architecture of life. I am the Simon Cowell of urinals! We take boring objects and we turn them into stars and then send them out into the OH CHRIST ALRIGHT, GIVE IT A REST...

Blind Stupidity

2009-11-02T03:37:00.000-08:00

It's been a while, sorry. Had a lot on.

This just in from an LiS operative embedded in the field. And stuff.

Dear LiS,

Some time back I sent you a monumentally stupid press release about net curtains unfairly being the butt of music hall jokes - unfair because of how they stop burglars getting into your house and all that.

I now feel I was a little harsh on senders of that first email. For I have now been sent another release - about window dressings, again - which is so horrifically dreadful I am convinced it is sent to me in malice. I shall resist self-harming however, and hoping you don't mind too much, will send it to you to do with it as you will. I'm upset, you can imagine.

To be fair, it is not all bad. I can't deny I enjoyed the reference to "canopes" and the use of "!" where there really is no need, although I do like the graph demonstrating just how each type of blind connects with different areas of the UK.

----- Forwarded 27/10/2009 16:20
FROM: "Kirsty Hunt" [khpr@btinternet.com]
SUBJECT: Where we live affects window dressing, reveals research

Where we live has a huge influence on our choice of window dressing, according to research published today.

A new report has revealed that homeowners living in the Midlands opt for Vertical blinds, as do those in the South East. Whereas people living in the North West like the simplicity of Venetian blinds, the South West has a preference for Pleated and those in the North East, Scotland, Ireland and Wales favour Roller blinds THIS IS AMAZING STUFF - KEEP GOING!

And according to Jenny Eaton from NAME DELETED Northampton “MIDLANDERS LIKE THEIR PRIVACY”. DID SHE SCREAM IT LIKE THAT TOO? IS SHE MAD? She said, “Northampton, like many Midlands-based towns, has quite a few terraced houses where the front room window looks out on to the street. Vertical blinds are the best equivalent to net curtains, which are now considered old fashioned, and offer privacy without blocking out too much light, which is why I think they’re so popular.” I THINK I LOVE YOU, JENNY.

The study was carried out by NAME DELETED Blinds, one of the UK and Ireland’s largest retailers of blinds, shutters and awnings.

Homeowners in the South East are adopting the trend for shutters faster than anywhere else in the UK and Ireland, with twice as many customers fitting shutters in their homes. INCREDIBLE - THIS IS THE SORT OF INCISIVE STUFF WE'D PROBABLY LOSE IN A "FREEMIUM"-LED UNIVERSE.

More awnings and canopes CANOPES! LIKE CANOPIES, ONLY NOT QUITE AS USEFUL IN THE RAIN (OR THE SUN) are also sold in the South East than the rest of the country – it must be the weather! YES! HAHAHAHAHA! IT MUST BE!

General Manager of NAME DELETED Blinds Gary Chambers said: “I WANTED TO BE A TRAIN DRIVER OR AN ASTRONAUT. OR EVEN A POLICEMAN. BUT NO. I SELL BLINDS. FRANKLY, IT WOULD BE BETTER IF I'D NEVER BEEN BORN [sad face]. We started to see some general trends and decided to delve deeper into different regions’ buying decisions and style choice. We thought there would be more OH, ALRIGHT, "GARY". GIVE IT A REST.

“We knew shutters were really taking off in the South East, but it was interesting to see that Roller Blinds were the most popular option in Scotland. YES, THAT MUST HAVE BEEN AN AMAZING DAY IN THE OFFICE WHEN THAT NEWS CAME IN! I BET YOU LOT AT NAME DELETED BLINDS MUST HAVE GONE FACKING MENTAL WHEN THE WHOLE "ROLLER BLINDS IN SCOTLAND" INFO BEGAN TO FILTER THROUGH ON THE OLD TICKER-TAPE MACHINE. I SEE DOLLY-BIRD SECRETARIES KISSING FLUSTERED MANAGING DIRECTORS, JUNIOR OFFICE CLERKS DREAMING OF AN EXTRA HALF OF MILD AT LUNCHTIME AND THE ENTIRE SALES-FORCE SAT IN LINE IN THE CAR-PARK REVVING THEIR SIERRAS. WHAT A DAY. WHAT A DAY!

“Shutters, Verticals and Venetians offer more privacy over roller and roman blinds so maybe this says something about people living in these regions!” CHRIST, YES! IT DOES! IT REALLY DOES!

He added: “The best selling blind in the whole of the UK is the Roller blind.” GARY, YOU ARE THE MOST INCREDIBLE MAN. THANK YOU! FROM ALL OF US! THANK YOU!

To find your nearest NAME DELETED Blinds stockist visit www.GOOGLE.co.uk or call DIRECTORY ENQUIRIES

Banksy and Thom Yorke: It's A Twat Trap

2009-09-24T06:18:00.000-07:00

This is tiresomely awful. I mean actually wearying.

Dear LiS

This is the biggest load of rubbish I have ever read in my entire life.

yours

A concerned citizen.

Beta Culture [contact@betaculture.org]
Subject: Yorke denies Banksy video
Date: 24 September, 2009 01:14:34 PM BST

For immediate release:

Thom Yorke denies connection to Banksy video.

Media artist OR, IF YOU PREFER, "TWAT", Raymond Salvatore Harmon manipulated major media outlets AMAZING! this past week who reported on his Thom Yorke/Banksy music video mashup OH CHRIST, OFF WE GO AGAIN as an 'official Yorke video.'

In an act that has been labeled as 'art terrorism' BY WHOM? and 'video graffiti' BY WHOM? hundreds of major media sources have reported over the past 3 days that a video piece created by YOU'VE DONE THIS BIT Harmon was in fact the 'official' video from Thom Yorke.

Utilizing a "seizure inducing array of Banksy imagery" *STIFLES EPIC, MOUTH-SPLITTING YAWN* the video presents itself as a music video for Radiohead frontman YOU'VE DONE THIS BIT TOO Thom Yorke's recently released "the Hollow Earth" THEY MEAN "The Hollow Earth" single.

With a simple 300 word press release UNLIKE THIS ONE Harmon was able to generate tens of thousands of hits and extensive coverage in major media outlets such as the BBC, Pitchfork, Rolling Stone, Entertainment Weekly, the Guardian, Dose DOSE!, and a TV spot from the ITN network ITN! BLESS! video feed in as little as 48 hours THAT'S ACTUALLY A REALLY LONG TIME.

The lack of fact-checking and lax in reporting THIS DOESN'T MEAN ANYTHING from major media outlets outlines the weakness of information structures in today's news and
media spectrum OH, PISS OFF YOU TWATS. Harmon's use of such iconic British personalities as Yorke and graffiti artist Banksy (whose identity is still uncertain WHICH MEANS HE'S HARDLY "ICONIC", EH?) as bait has lead to much speculation about truth in reporting NO IT HASN'T, YOU PISS-ANTS.

The images used in the video outline Banksy's commentary on such icons as Mickey Mouse and Ronald Mcdonald THEY MEAN "McDonald", VERY LAX FACT-CHECKING THERE yet incorporate Banksy's work much the way Banksy himself uses corporate imagery as social commentary WOULD ALL POLYTECHNIC OF SOUTH IDIOTSHIRE FIRST YEAR SOCIOLOGY STUDENTS LINE UP HERE, PLEASE.

Harmon describes the piece as a work of his art "ART", both as an experimental video piece and as a commentary on the state of corporate controlled media and news outlets HE IS, LIKE, THE NEW WARHOL OR SOMETHING.

A spoke person THEY MEAN "spokesperson" VERY LAX FACT-CHECKING THERE for Yorke has asked Youtube THEY MEAN "YouTube" VERY LAX FACT-CHECKING THERE to remove the video even though 7 THEY MEAN "seven" VERY LAX FACT-CHECKING THERE other versions of the Yorke audio for the Hollow Earth THEY MEAN "The Hollow Earth" VERY LAX FACT-CHECKING THERE are currently available on the Youtube THEY MEAN "YouTube" VERY LAX FACT-CHECKING THERE site. Many of the media outlets have altered their reporting to say 'unofficial' by simply adding 'un' to the text without removing or altering it in any other way OH CHRIST, REALLY?

Speculation concerning the potential of hidden subliminal content OH YEAH, RIGHT within the film has surrounded the reasoning behind Yorke's decision to have it pulled from Youtube THEY MEAN "YouTube" VERY LAX FACT-CHECKING THERE despite the other videos remaining available.

The Hollow Earth video is still available through most of OH ALRIGHT WE GET THE MESSAGE YOU TEDIOUS LITTLE WORMS

Rock Balls: Part 374108

2009-09-22T05:48:00.000-07:00

Bands, please! Employ someone who can write when you want something written! It's not hard, is it? There are a million under-worked journalists out there who can knock you up a decent biog in, like, an hour and they only want paying in drink.

Thanks to the treasured LiS operative who winged me this earlier, saying:

This is great, what I particularly appreciate is the contrast between the sonorous prose and the silly, silly band name.

---------- Forwarded message ----------
From: [simon@ilikepress.co.uk]
Date: 2009/9/14
Subject: SEA OF REGRETS - I LIKE TRAINS Pre Order today

Good Afternoon All HE MEANS "afternoon all"

I Like Trains are no longer in mourning AMAZING START!. Though they still remember the past, gone are the black threads which adorned their funeral waltz along YOU'RE LOSING ME HERE with songs of tragedy GREAT!, despair GREAT!, insanity GREAT! and loss GREAT!. Whilst the Leeds quartet made their name charting history’s forgotten heroes OH SHIT, HERE WE GO and injustices, there is only so long you can look backwards before you have to start looking to the future THAT IS LIKE, SO TRUE.

“Some things are better left forgotten, or the weight of the world will crush your bones” THAT IS PROPERLY DEEP, LIKE IT'S FROM A POEM OR SOMETHING

Sea of Regrets, the lead single from the forthcoming as yet untitled 2nd COULDN'T YOU BE BOTHERED TO WRITE "second"? WOULD IT HAVE ASKED TOO MUCH OF YOU TO DO THAT? LP due out early next year is a Limited edition/ Self produced CAPS! AMAZING! release and is available to pre-order from today, check the official BLAHBLAHBLAH.

After a second stage slot at Latitude festival, several European festivals and a tour with Sisters of Mercy OH BLIMEY over the summer, they’re not staying under the radar at home for much longer YES, THERE'S NOTHING LIKE A EUROPEAN TOUR WITH A WASHED UP VERSION OF A GOTH BAND WHO SPLIT UP A QUARTER OF A CENTURY AGO TO REALLY KICK-START A YOUNG BAND'S CAREER.

October’s tour and the first single from their new album – a gorgeous tunefest and a departure from the more staid and sombre HE MEANS BORING earlier recordings – signal a new assault on the country’s ears GREAT, WE WANT OUR EARS TO BE ASSAULTED.

I Like Trains are available for features, HE MEANS "AND" interviews before and during their October tour (dates below), both on the phone and in person. THERE'S NOTHING LIKE PLAYING HARD TO GET, IS THERE?

The new single is released on OH, WOTEVA...

Shock News Just In

2009-09-22T05:30:00.000-07:00

A tall "model" thinks being tall is quite good. Having said that, y'know, short people are alright too. I hope Jenay at Yellow Door cried herself to sleep for at least a week after putting her name to this bollocks.

Thanks to the senior LiS operative who sent this in.

This is priceless.

Being tall makes you happier, and the evidence is Lisa Butcher, who goes on to say "On the other hand there’s a huge amount of powerful people in this world that are not tall like Margaret Thatcher, Madonna, Tom Cruise, Nicolas Sarkozy."

Begin forwarded message:

From: Jenay Goultekin [JenayG@yellow-door.com]
Date: 11 September 2009 10:49:18 BDT
Subject: FW: Tall people survey just out - Model Lisa Butcher shares her thoughts!

Hi there,

I thought this might be of interest, a new study in America claims that tall people are happier with their lives… see attached release for further information relating to fashion and supermodel Lisa Butchers SHE MEANS "LISA BUTCHER'S" own thoughts on the subject ATTACHED!

Do get in touch for any tall fashion or Lisa Butcher enquiries FULL STOP HERE, THX

Best wishes

Jenay

I Don't Know What This Means: 2

2009-09-17T07:04:00.000-07:00

What is a Camden Wedge anyway? Is it something NOBODY CARES about?

Dear Lost in Showbiz
I knew the very moment I signed up for this I was in for years of heartache. And I've not been disappointed. I get one of these emails almost every day, written by some wag who hopes to make the comedy big time as they think someone at Hattrick might read it and whisk them from their PR hell to a writing gig on Have I Got News For You.

Anyway, all emails from Camden Wedge now go directly to my junk mail box, but I thought I'd share the latest one with you as an example of how to irritate those who've signed up to your scheme so much that they have actively and decisively cut their Wedge cards in two.

Cheers, AN IMPORTANT MEDIA PERSON

FROM: Camden Town [Mail@turninglondonon.com]
Subject: Is it a Wedge? Is it a plane?

Tuesday I've got Monday on my mind... EH?

All this talk of me getting back into a routine of NOBODY CARES Monday newsletters has gone to hell in a hand basket already hasn't it NOBODY CARES? No sooner had I spouted off about the merits of a regular newsletter NOBODY CARES, something that you can all rely on in this mixed up, muddled up, crazy world NOBODY CARES and then BAM! My crazy left ear goes all mental again NOBODY CARES and makes the act of standing worthy of medals NOBODY CARES. So here I am, late but no doubt more entertaining NOBODY CARES than ever (I improve each day, best remember that) NOBODY CARES, BEST REMEMBER THAT.

There are some tasty and soothing Wedge Card deals on offer this week to help comfort us into the fact that there is no Indian Summer, and that we've skipped out the rest of Autumn too, and gone straight smack into the cold, dark and rather overdone winter GET TO THE POINT. Seriously, winter's like that drunk guy at the pub OH PLEASE DON’T DO THIS YOU ARSE with one story that he can't remember who he's told it to, so you hear it about a thousand times before you and your friends “FRIENDS” inevitably do a runner from pub while he's gone to the loo (if you ARE that guy, sorry we totally couldn't find you THIS BIT IS RUBBISH when we went to leave. Sorry.)

So steel yourself and delve into the world of Wedge NOBODY CARES with some tasty delights to help distract you from the weather. Like a bunch of keys NOBODY CARES being jangled in front of a baby NOBODY CARES. Think of me like that. Ahead of a major website overhaul NOBODY CARES we have upgraded your Wedge experience NOBODY CARES so that each Wedge Card offer has it's own page NOBODY CARES and it's now much easier to navigate around NOBODY CARES. Hooray I hear you cry from across Camden Town, and OH CHRIST ALRIGHT YOU CAN STOP NOW.

My Rock Biog Hell: Alita's Purse

2009-09-16T05:59:00.000-07:00

Are they called Alita's Purse? Oh, I can't remember, anyway, who cares? A biog like this is going to turn off way more people than will ever listen to the band. Why do people do it? Why didn't someone go, 'You can't send this out as your biog, it's laughably bad! It's one ball-aching cliche after another. Haven't you got even one tiny slice of imagination? Oh, hang on, apparently it doesn't matter because your HARD ROCKING and DEDICATED and stuff. My mistake!'

Thanks to the senior LiS operative that sent me this.

From: Bill Cummings
Date: 2009/9/10
Subject: Alita’s Curse release their new download single ‘BLAH’ on BLAHBLAH
To: Alita's Curse Info [alitascurse@live.co.uk]
Hello there,

I'd like to introduce you (if you haven't heard of them before GOOD START!) to a new rock band from London I'm working with called Alita's Curse BAD NAME. They have a new download single AMAZING! out BLAH. If you'd like a hard copy to review it can be arranged because hey HE MEANS "THEY" are currently being sent out to many radio and press outlets REALLY? THIS BAND MUST BE GOOD IF THEY'RE SPAMMING, LIKE, THE FLY WITH THEIR STUFF. You can hear the single and other tracks on their BORING BLOG or alternatively if you'd like the download to review off there's a yousend BORING!. Press release below, and artwork attached. We welcome all features, reviews, airplay and interviews YES, I'M SURE...

cheers

“Delicious – designed to turn a crowd into a sea of flailing limbs NICE. Fans of rock with a twist NICER should be feasting NICEST on it!”

8/10 Rock Pulse Zine THE MIGHTY ROCK PULSE ZINE HAVE SPOKEN PEOPLE! LISTEN UP!

Hard rocking HARD ROCKING! London based four piece Alita’s Curse release their new single ‘BLAH’ as a download only BAD LUCK release through BLAH on BLAH. It’s backed up by explosive EXPLOSIVE! LIKE AN EXPLOSION! live track ‘BLAH’, which will be available completely FREE via BLAH on the same date.

Alita’s Curse burst CLICHE ALERT onto the London scene CLICHE ALERT n 2009 with a sound that’s steeped CLICHE ALERT in the hard-edged power CLICHE ALERT of their addictive CLICHE ALERT rock songs. Their new single ‘BLAH melds CLICHE ALERT the insatiable melodies MEANINGLESS CLICHE ALERT of Guns and Roses HE MEANS GUNS N' ROSES with the explosive CLICHE ALERT, unstoppable CLICHE ALERT old school rock CLICHE ALERT of early Black Sabbath CLICHE ALERT, but crucially CLICHE ALERT it’s shot through CLICHE ALERT with their own experiences CLICHE ALERT of relationships HE MEANS THEY GOT DUMPED ONCE in the modern world and this is what makes them stand out CLICHE ALERT from the crowd. It’s a sound forged on hard work CLICHE ALERT, constant gigging CLICHE ALERT and a complete conviction CLICHE ALERT in everything they do.

In early 2009 they played their debut live show in front of a 700 strong crowd at Camden’s Dingwalls, and instantly CLICHE ALERT turned the mob CLICHE ALERT into a pit of fans gagging for more BULLSHIT CLICHE ALERT. Immediately following this with a headline show at IBAR "NEVER HEARD OF IT": THE WORLD, they turned in a bigger crowd than signed support act Imperial Vipers BIGGER THAN THE VIPERS' CROWD? BUT THEY'RE SIGNED? THAT'S AMAZING. The band were then offered a headline gig at Monto Water Rats in June when the venue’s promoter reacted to the buzz the Curse have created since the debut gig in April THIS BIT NEEDS A LOT OF WORK. This comes after another headline slot at the famous Purple Turtle "NEVER HEARD OF IT": THE WORLD in Camden on May 24th. Look out for more live dates this winter in support of their new single.

Earlier this year their powerhouse sound CLICHE ALERT caught the ear CLICHE ALERT of TV production giants BLAHBLAH who contacted Alita’s Curse to film them performing for a new multi million dollar BLAH Channel show titled “BLAH BLAH BLAH” filmed at Kentish Town’s HMV Forum. The show will be broadcast worldwide in BLAH.

Since then they’ve gained GAINED! radio play with Totalrock radio who also offered the band a festival slot AMAZING!, Xfm on John Kennedy’s Xposure show, and most prominently Ian Camfield's The Rock Show with debut release "BLAH" - Alita’s Curse are becoming a force CLICHE ALERT to be reckoned with CLICHE ALERT. The band will continue recording their debut album “BLAH BLAH” throughout the remainder of 2009 with more single releases to come between now and 2010.

ALITA’S CURSE

BLOKE 1 – vocals/guitar
BLOKE 2 – guitar
BLOKE 3 – bass
BLOKE 99 – drums

80s Crapfest PR Disaster

2009-09-10T01:08:00.000-07:00

This heavily annotated email has just arrived from an LiS reader situated in the hot-seat of a hugely popular national newspaper. No cheery message either, they just went straight into it. Clearly a very busy person. Memo to PRs, sometimes it's worse when journalists do read your press release rather than when, as is more usual, they delete it without even glancing at the subject line as soon as it enters their inbox.

To: Sarah Priddis [sarah@mason-williams.com]
Subject: Interview opportunity - 80's brands SHE MEANS "80s" AND "BANDS"

Interview Opportunities with 80’s SHE MEANS "80s" chart toppers

80’s SHE MEANS "80s" chart toppers headline at Pub in the Park
Paul Young, T’Pau, ABC and Go West

What Pub in the Park
Where Greenwich Park, London

80’s ROGUE APOSTROPHE ALERT! fever is raging WHERE? and leading the call WHAT CALL? is Pub in the Park. London’s brand new festival of all things pub, ROGUE COMMA ALERT has put together the ultimate 80’s ROGUE APOSTROPHE ALERT revival night with some of the biggest names YOU MEAN U2, MADONNA AND PRINCE ARE PLAYING? from the much beloved BY WHOM? decade.

Taking place in Greenwich Park from 18-20 September, Pub in the Park is an exciting “EXCITING”! new three-day event, which celebrates an essential and unique “UNIQUE”! part of our culture - The Great British Pub. OH GET LOST.

Saturday 19 September at Pub in the Park will bring together the stars of the 80’s SHE MEANS “80s” – Go West, Paul Young, ABC and T’Pau *SAD FACE*

INTERVIEW OPPORTUNITIES
Paul Young- Perhaps one of the biggest names of the 80’s JESUS, JUST READ A GRAMMAR BOOK was Paul Young. Paul Young famously MARVIN GAYE SANG IT MORE A LITTLE MORE FAMOUSLY, DIDN'T HE sang 'Wherever I lay my hat’, a track that became the soundtrack to the summer of 1983 and kept the No. 1 position for three weeks WAS SUMMER 1983 ONLY THREE WEEKS LONG? This was the first of fourteen SHE MEANS “14” British Top 40 singles. 16 SHE MEANS “Sixteen” years later, he’s set to steal the show and make 2009 his summer all over again! NO HE'S NOT. AND IT'S NOT SUMMER, IT'S AUTUMN.

ABC- With the release of ‘Look of Love; The very best of ABC’ ABC celebrate their return to the recording studio IF IT'S A BEST-OF, IS IT REALLY A RETURN TO THE RECORDING STUDIO? with just two UK appearances this summer – Pub in the Park in Greenwich will be a much anticipated show BY WHOM? a band much praised in the 80’s CHRIST and still loved today.

Go West - Pop Duo Go West will lead the bill DOES THIS MEAN OPEN OR HEADLINE? Formed in 1982 by Peter Cox, Go West are best known for the smash hits, We Close Our Eyes and The King of Wishful Thinking. They continue to thrill crowds *SAYS NOTHING* at gigs all over the world WHERE?, and are currently writing more new material JESUS, THAT IS BAD NEWS – see it first I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT AT ALL, THANK YOU along with all your favourites *SAYS NOTHING AGAIN* at Pub in the Park.

Carol Decker / T’Pau- Led by Carol Decker YES, WE GUESSED, T’Pau has a string of top 40 hits BUT YOU CAN'T REMEMBER ANY OF THEIR NAMES, CAN YOU? in the late 80s in both the UK and the US following success on a Pepe Jeans ad that shot them to fame in the States THIS SENTENCE NEEDS A RE-WRITE. Carol hit the screens again last year as part of the ‘Here & Now’ 80s tour and is bring the EH? nostalgia of that brilliant decade THE DECADE WAS NOT NOSTALGIC AT THE TIME, WAS IT? SO IT WOULD BE NOSTALGIA FOR THAT BRILLIANT DECADE, WHICH WASN'T BRILLIANT. AND IF ALL THE OTHER ACTS ARE BRINGING THE NOSTALGIA, TOO, WHAT'S HER USP? to Pub in the Park in September.

The Pub in the Park 80s night will be kick started by Two Choices WHO?. Hailed as the best new indie rock band of 2009 at the Unsigned Awards THE WHAT?, Two Choices are no strangers to playing the pub scene NO, THEY'RE PROBABLY NOT and have been tipped for great things BY WHOM? Not forgetting that they come from legendary stock – this is Roger Daltrey’s son’s band OH, THEY’LL BE GOOD THEN.

Pub in the Park is everything we love about the Great British Pub celebrated in the stunning surroundings of Greenwich Park NOW, THE ONE THING I LOVE ABOUT MY GREAT BRITISH PUB IS THE CERTAINTY THAT I WILL NEVER HEAR PAUL YOUNG, GO WEST, ABC OR T'PAU THERE, SO THIS IS PLAINLY A LIE.

Sarah Priddis
Account Director

I Want To Break Free Of This Rubbish

2009-09-04T02:28:00.000-07:00

The album's called Absolute Greatest. The press release has been filed under Absolute Bollocks. Queen are a terrible band, but even I think they deserve better than this.

Thanks to an LiS reader with a taste for olives for sending it in.

From: "O'Brien, Richard" [OBrienR@emigroup.com]
Date: 3 September 2009 10:35:03 BST
Subject: NEWS FROM EMI: Queen - Absolute Greatest hits package released November 9

QUEEN – ABSOLUTE GREATEST

20 Years of Biggest of Queen’s Biggest Hits - In music (and pictures & live performances) Four CD & Vinyl/Compact & Luxury Formats. 2 Digital formats.

Queen. Someone ought to erect a monument to them GREAT START! Think about it: they’ve ruled their game longer than many of our most famous leaders STARTING TO WOBBLE ALREADY, their words can be repeated by many more than can recite our most celebrated writers THIS IS GETTING UGLY NOW, and despite more than three generations passing since they first blasted their way into our consciences HE MEANS CONSCIOUSNESS, they’re just as omnipresent today as they ever were OH DEAR ME, THIS IS BAD. Just for starters (and more to follow):

- Queen are Britain’s favourite band: the BPI BLAHBLAHBLAH 50 years ago.

- Queen are the most BLAHBLAHBLAH 300 million records sold.

And let’s not forget Queen’s unmatched global dominance as live artists HE’S BEEN DEAD FOR 18 YEARS. There’s not a continent in the world Queen’s legendary tours haven’t touched down in, in many cases arriving ahead of anyone else: think South America, Mexico, the Eastern Bloc. AND SOUTH AFRICA! YOU FORGOT THAT ONE! And who but the wisest would know that even somewhere down there in the desert of Antarcticasits YOU WHAT? a permanent plaque bearing Queen’s name HAVE ANOTHER GO AT THIS ONE.

- Always ready to try something new, Queen brokerock YOU MEAN “BROKE ROCK” convention and created a stage musical THAT’S NOT “BREAKING CONVENTION” IT’S CALLED WALLET-EMPTYING BRAND BUILDING, We Will Rock You, and some eight years on it still sells out nightly in Londonand HE MEANS “LONDON AND” just recently their all-time worldwide audience crossed over the 10 million mark.

Beyond that, Queen continue to sell out concerts, are ready to lend their celebrity power unreservedly when they see just causes – such as Nelson Mandela’s 46664 campaign *SAYS NOTHING*; have quietly collected and distributed over $15 million dollars through their own charity the Mercury Phoenix Trust - fighting AIDS worldwide, and most telling of all, continue to be held in the highest esteem by the lead runners in today’s Rock Pack I LOVE ALL THE LEADING RUNNERS IN TODAY'S ROCK PACK, DON'T YOU? who cite the band’s influence over them in their founding years.

Let’s face it: few other acts have so embedded themselves into our lives that we can’t imagine a time when Queen weren’t around, or can imagine such a time in the future. THIS BIT IS BALLS.

So what is it about Queen that makes it all so? SO WHAT?

You have to look no further than the BLAHBLAH all comes from.

Charting over 21 years of making people rock OUCH!, feel OUCH!, sense MAKING PEOPLE SENSE? and celebrate, Absolute Greatest reminds us just what fine, and smart, rock and pop writers and musicians Messrs "MESSRS" AMAZING! Deacon, May, Mercury and Taylor were (are SAD FACE). Also that they had a sense of humour, which is perhaps another thing that made them so accessible. ONE OF THE ALL-TIME BAD SENTENCES OF ALL-TIME THERE.

The earliest hit presented here, Seven Seas of Rhye (1974) reminds us of those days when we wondered about why they had chosen the name Queen PERHAPS ONE OF THEM WAS A HOMOSEXUAL?, whether they really were just an arrogant bunch pushing their luck in Zandra Rhodes frocks and black nail varnish AMAZING, or whether they really were the future of Progressive Rock? KILL ME NOW To make us further wonder, they didn’t stop there - they went on to defiantly title their next single Killer Queen. OH CHRIST PLEASE DON’T GO THROUGH ALL OF THEM.

Then they flashed the wit and made us all smile and feel good at the same time with those jaunty ditties JAUNTY DITTIES! like Crazy Little Thing Called Love, Radio Ga Ga, and I Want To Break Free. And hell, who would have thought that Roger Taylor would look so fetching in that pre-Britney schoolgirl outfit? KILL ME AGAIN. HARDER THIS TIME.

And if you wanted a mass celebration, who better than Queen, who could bond tens of thousands of total strangers and get them chanting or arm-waving in unison to May’s terse TERSE? TERSE? We Will Rock You or Mercury’s more emotionally charged We Are The Champions.

They could at the drop of a hat be romantic, as Deacon proved with You’re My Best Friend, or friends to heartbreak, as we saw in Mercury’s Somebody to Love or May’s Who Wants to Live Forever.

Queen provided a mood and backdrop for every time and every occasion, and were often at their best when they went for almost breath-taking high drama: aided by David Bowie they gave us the brooding heart pounding rhythms of Under Pressure, the operatically ballistic THAT’S “OPERATICALLY BALLISTIC”, PEOPLE! Bohemian Rhapsody, and perhaps the ultimate curtain-call rock song, The Show Must Go On.

A joyous celebration of Queen’s - and many of our own - greatest BLAH this collection.

In a limited-edition BLAH performances.

OK - so it should not be expected we will see the likenesses of Queen carved into Mount Rushmore PERHAPS IF THEY WERE AMERICAN. OR POLITICIANS or find their way to a Trafalgar Square plinth (now there’s an AWFUL idea), so for the moment let’s accept that Absolute Greatest will serve as a terrific tribute to a monumental music YOU MEAN MUSICAL history. Ah, these are (indeed) the days of our lives. AMAZING FINISH – TAKE REST OF DAY OFF!

Dead Man Walker-ing

2009-09-03T02:27:00.000-07:00

There's something unutterably sad about this. Personally, I couldn't give a monkey's about Ian Walker. I don't know him, don't care about him, certainly don't wish him any ill will. But even I - as someone who cares not one jot about football - knows there's no such team as "Leicestershire". Even the quickest, most I'm-on-my-way-out-the-door-to-M&S-but-quickly-fire-up-Wikipedia glance at the internet would have told Sue at "Celebagents" that the "Celeb" she's "agent" for played for Leicester City. On the upside, I love the mystery of why Walker's in the UK "for a while". Court appearance? Visitation rights? Buy-to-let empire going tits up? Poorly nana? And I have to admit I love Sue's use of "e mail", like it's still 1998 and everyone says, "Oh, I love the information superhighway! I've just seen this amazing website with a dancing baby! It's hilarious! You can see it at h,t,t,p, all lower case, yes, um, is it a slash or a colon after that? Uhm, well..."

Thanks to the seasoned LiS operative situated in a city with a mighty castle for this beauty.

Astrology! Astronomy! What's The Difference?

2009-09-01T06:39:00.000-07:00

Well, according to someone who is, I read, Head of Publicity at Carlton Publishing Group, not very much at all. Which is a shame as, to be honest, they're actually quite different. And suggesting your client is into one rather than another completely undercuts everything he has to say. And makes him - and you - sound ridiculous. So that's a shame.

Thanks to an LiS General situated in a tall glass building for this.

I think this person might find that Brian May is, in fact, an astronomer - with a PhD in astro physics. An astrologer has no qualifications whatsoever and simply makes stuff up about people (depending on what day they were born, not that it's important when they were born as, like I said, they've made it all up anyway).

But thanks for the heads-up.

From: A person who has asked, politely, for their name to be removed
Subject: BRIAN MAY to launch his astrology book, BANG!, on 5th September

Everyone knows Brian May for being the lead guitarist in the legendary rock band QUEEN, but not everyone knows he is also an expert in astrology and has written a book all about it - BANG!

On 5th September award winning Bookstore, Torbay Bookshop, will be launching the new paperback edition of the BANG! with Brian May and the two other authors Chris Lintott and Sir Patrick Moore signing copies of the book for the public.

At least 500 people are expected to come and see the legendary rock star, now converted to academic GREAT SENTENCE, IN FACT, THAT'S THE KIND OF SENTENCE ONLY A HEAD OF PUBLICITY COULD REALLY BE EXPECTED TO COME UP WITH! All three authors will be available, this one time only, for press interviews.

--
A Person Who Once Was
Head of Publicity
Carlton Publishing Group
20 Mortimer Street
London W1T 3JW

Amaze PR, Home Of The Amazing Balls Up

2009-08-28T01:14:00.000-07:00

The ridiculousness of this actually makes my head spin. Thanks to the LiS reader situated a long way away on the edge of a desert for sending this in between spa treatments. Click on the image and read at your leisure. If I worked at Amaze PR I'd feel as if I'd really been put In My Place, but A Rush Of Blood To The Head like this one could, I suppose, Fix You in the end. So Viva La Vida!

The Worst PR Idea Of All Time?

2009-08-27T02:09:00.000-07:00

"A conga line around Shoreditch"? Are you sure you really want to send that idea out into the world? Didn't your mind just fill with horror when you wrote those words down? This just in from a senior LiS operative situated in the field.

EDIT: I've removed the name of the PR person as they swear blind the "conga line around Shoreditch" wasn't their idea. It is still a godawful piece of "pr".

Dear PR PERSON,what does any of this actually mean? Any of it?

Begin forwarded message:
From: PR PERSON
Date: 20 August 2009
Subject: INVITATION: XO Man 'NOTHIN' TO LAUNCH' Friday 21st Aug

Hi INTERNET PERSON
I'd like to personally invite you to XO Man's I DON'T KNOW WHO THAT IS show this Friday at Sosho Bar. As the reigning Hugo Urban Rules champion I DON'T KNOW WHAT THAT IS he's been tipped for big things BY WHO? and this Nothin' to Launch party will be a marked occasion in his career WHAT DOES THAT MEAN? I have a good number of important sites coming down SURE and it would be great to have INTERNET PERSON there too and possibly film IE, PLUG as there will be a host of fun spectacles (LIKE TIMMY MALLET HAD) including a conga line around Shoreditch IT'S OFFICIAL - THE WORST PR IDEA EVAH REVEALED and statue people within the venue *SAYS NOTHING*. It's all in a bid to represent the XO Man brand, which is off the cuff, feel good and pretty wacky KILL ME NOW. In the meantime, take a look at XO Man's humorous promotion video REVIVE ME, THEN KILL ME ALL OVER AGAIN. He's done several festivals over the summer. The video covers his performance at The Big Chill Festival and gives a little insight IT DOESN'T into his quirky sens SHE MEANS SENSE of humour whilst promoting his forthcoming show a must watch WHAT DOES THAT MEAN? Would you like a media pass plus one for Friday? NOT IN A MILLION YEARS.

Best, A PR PERSON

What The World Needs Now Is Blogs, More Blogs

2009-08-18T03:34:00.000-07:00

Have you spent much time recently thinking, 'You know what, I can't get enough of blogs, I wish there were more. I wish, particularly, that there was one that did fashion and music and entertainment all in one place so I didn't have to do a simple mouse-click to take me, almost instantly, to the other blog I used to read about fashion and music and entertainment on. That is, until I stopped looking at blogs and moved wholesale onto Twitter, like, six months ago."

Now, I'm all for a spot of enterprise, but, really, launching a blog? Now? Who cares? You know what people don't need? A blog that writes about "everything" from "music to movies, fashion, politics, arts and gossip". Why would I trust you on all those topics?

Surely, the whole point of blogs is you go to your favourite political one, then your favourite gossip one, then your favourite music one ETC because you like the individual voices and passions of those involved. If I wanted a "one-stop shop" I'd buy a newspaper.

And I HATE that weak "journalistic" spasm of going - Blahblahblah intro, Welcome to blahblahblah! It is the shittest thing ever and, for that reason alone, I'm out.

Thanks to the LiS operative situated in a fashionable E-number postcode who sent me this, noting (rather wryly, I thought):

"This looks good"

Begin forwarded message:
From: Archna Sawjani
Date: 17 August 2009 14:39:11 BST
Subject: Welcome to Punchbowlblog.com

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE UK LIFESTYLE BLOG "PUNCHBOWLBLOG"

Music journalist Archna Sawjani, TV Producer Susan Younis and marketing expert Emmanuel Ezugwu deliver a new lifestyle blog that will not only offer exclusive content and news, but provide works from influential journalists worldwide. GREAT! WHERE DO I SIGN?

Blogs have become the leading force in news and beyond I LOVE THIS BIT - IT'S LIKE READING A NEWS STORY FROM 2003! Every day, people visit their favourite blogs for a variety of information - from fashion to the culinary arts AMAZING. However, in the world of entertainment blogs, the UK is frequently underrepresented NO IT ISN'T. Welcome to Punchbowlblog.com. AAAARRGGHHH.

PunchbowlBlog comes from the diverse minds of Susan Younis and Archna Sawjani, who have both worked in the UK media for several years WHICH MEANS YOU WOULD HAVE THOUGHT THEY'D HAVE REALISED THE BLOG-GAME IS UP, BUT NO. After fostering a deep understanding of the blog world and its audiences HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!, as well as a strong clientele, the two teamed up with former marketing co-ordinator for Stella McCartney, Emmanuel Ezugwu to create a blog that will offer everything entertainment aficionados, music and fashion enthusiasts’ desire GOOD LUCK WITH THIS.

From multi-genre mainstream and underground music to movies, fashion, politics, arts and gossip, PunchbowlBlog will be a one-stop shop for news from the UK perspective. The blog will also feature pieces from noted journalists YEAH, as well as traditional blog content including multimedia VIDEO! AMAZING!

"I use a variety of blogs daily for work purposes, but I noticed that the majority of respectable blogs were American," explains Younis THIS BIT IS BULLSHIT. "There didn't seem to be any reliable UK based mainstream blog sites ALSO BULLSHIT. So we decided to set up PunchbowlBlog - a blog that is both trend setting & delivers worldwide exclusives in music & showbiz." GOOD LUCK WITH THIS TOO.

"There are so many blogs on the web skewed toward specific audiences," continues Sawjani YES, THAT'S THE POINT OF THEM. "However, PunchbowlBlog will offer a variety of information, as well as a sharp journalist perspective RIGHT. Being a writer for several years, it's important to me that we maintain journalistic integrity within a blog setting." HAHAHAHAHA! AMAZING!

“The thing that was most important to me when getting involved in this exciting new project was being able to bridge the gap between a variety of genre’s as no one culture defines us,” says Ezugwu. YAWNARAMA.

“We write about things that interest us and having worked with Archna and Susan, I jumped at the opportunity to get involved”. Susan Younis is a Television producer at MTV. After taking on an internship at MTV in Los Angeles, she returned to London and secured a full-time job with MTV UK onTRL. GREAT.

TEDIOUS BIT ALERT: Now working on MTV BASE as a producer / director, Younis has worked on shows ranging from "The Lick", "MTV's Greatest Album Ever" and "Backstage at the MTV Europe Music Awards". She has interviewed the elite of the music and entertainment world.

Archna Sawjani began her career in journalism younger than most, when she took an assignment with RWD Magazine that ultimately began her career of writing I HOPE TO GOD SHE DIDN'T WRITE THIS SENTENCE. Archna has interviewed some of the most prolific artists worldwide OR THIS ONE. Her work can be found in a wide variety of publications including; The Guardian, The London Paper, Daily Mirror, OK Magazine, New Magazine and The Sun amongst others OR THIS ONE. When her ear isn’t to the streets and writing about it, she is a part-time PR maven working wide SHE MEANS "WITH" a wide variety of affluent brands OR, INDEED, THIS ONE.

Emmanuel Ezugwu started interning at leading London radio station, Choice FM before he started writing for RWD Magazine where he remains a staff writer. Having scribed for a number of publications including, The Guardian, and various “woman’s weeklies“, he began his move into fashion. As well as styling celebrity shoots, he has worked his pr ARCHNA WAS A "PR" WHY IS EMMANUEL ONLY A "pr"? and marketing skills for companies like OH CHRIST WOTEVA.

Pooper Trouper

2009-08-16T00:56:00.000-07:00

Here is some next-level PR genius. Who could fail to be impressed by this?

Dear LiS. I have absolutely no f***ing idea what this is about.

---------- Forwarded message ----------
From: xo kaytea [kaytea@xopublicity.com]
Date: Fri, Aug 14, 2009 at 1:24 AM
Subject: Wondering why xo sent a POOP BAG with NAME DELETED "TITLE DELETED"

Soooooooo ***** have you figured out why I sent you a poop bag? IS IT BECAUSE YOUR RECORD AND YOUR PR "CAMPAIGN" IS SHIT?

It’s so you can get rid of crap AND save all your time for the disc you got …. NAME DELETED "TITLE DELETED"

http://www.namedeleted.com/(grab bio, pics, whole disc here)

Thoughts? It drops oct 28th.

Not feeling like expatiating today! WHAT ARE YOU ON ABOUT NOW?

xo-kaytea
www.xopublicity.com
http://xopublicity.blogspot.com/
http://twitter.com/xopublicity
(503) 281.xoxo office
(503) 539.7691 mobile
kaytea@xopublicity.com

Net Result? Failure.

2009-08-04T08:04:00.001-07:00

This just in from a newly-minted LiS operative situated in a high-rise somewhere agreeable.

Here is a fantastic story about net curtains that can laugh, music hall humour and how a bit of nylon can halt the British "crimewave". I will be using it as a double page spread and have already sold versions of it to the Daily Mail, Vogue and The LA Times. Naturally, I took this poor PR wonk up on the offer to speak to someone in more detail about it.

Brazen, indeed.

Yours,

A Grateful and Overworked Hack Whose Job is Made Easier by the Receipt of Such Crap

----- Forwarded Message
FROM: emmat@brazenpr.com
Subject: Net curtains lead fight back against burglars - British public respond to national burglary increase

Hi there,

Thought I would whizz this quirky "QUIRKY" news story past you...

I have pasted a press release about how net curtains are helping prevent burglaries below. OH BRILLIANT, THANKS!

Please let me know if you need more info or would like to chat to anyone in more detail.

I hope it is of interest

Kind regards

Emma

BRITS RETURN TO NET CURTAINS TO STOP BURGLARS - BRITISH PUBLIC RESPOND TO NATIONAL BURGLARY INCREASE

BRITS are fighting back to beat the burglars. Forget barbed wire or guard dogs, the latest low-tech safety device is a pair of net curtains. AMAZING START - KEEP GOING!

The Conservative Party has reported an increase in domestic burglaries for the first time in six years. This coincides with an increase in sales of net curtains and Dr. Beckmann’s Net Curtain Whitener over the last 12 months. DOESN'T THIS MEAN THAT NET CURTAINS MAKE BURGLARY MORE LIKELY?

It seems that the streets which house the most ‘Net Curtain Nellies’ (people with a propensity for nosying on neighbours from behind their net curtains) are some of the safest in the UK, claims laundry care specialist Dr. Beckmann and Rightmove, the UK’s most popular property website. UTTER BOLLOCKS - I LIKE IT!

The net curtain may not be the must-have Noughties domestic fashion accessory and has long been the butt of music hall jokes I LOVE MUSIC HALL, DON'T YOU? I'M SO GLAD THEY DIDN'T ALL SHUT DOWN HALF A CENTURY AGO but it seems the old fashioned British institution may now be having the last laugh.

Miles Shipside, commercial director at Rightmove said: “I AM A BORING MAN.”

Steven Simpson, spokesman for Dr. Beckmann, said: “I AM ALSO A BORING MAN."

Net curtain whitener is a wash in wash out product that works in the washing machine or by hand. The scientifically advanced formulation COME ON HOUSEWIVES, GET WITH IT! treats your nets with a long lasting and unbeatable finish restoring your nets to their original super whiteness. DEAR EMMA, DO YOU WANT TO KILL YOURSELF YET?

- ENDS -

For further information, images or samples please contact the Dr. Beckmann Press Office Team at Brazen. Katie Medd, Emma Trimble or Louise Jacobson

Stupid Things Idiots In Bad Bands Say

2009-08-04T08:02:00.000-07:00

All Day Shit-Fest

2009-07-29T02:45:00.000-07:00

I know Little Chef is on the bones of its arse, but surely they can do better than the following poorly-written twaddle? Thanks to the LiS operative who sent me this:

Hello LiS. This release, despite its brevity, features three - THREE! - uses of the most teeth-gratingly overused word in PR, 'iconic'. Seemingly everything in marketing is iconic - from a brand of marzipan to Sue bloody Pollard and it does my nut. I was also wondering how this customer "up-roar" manifested itself, only I never recall seeing, or hearing, or reading, or picking up on any of it, anywhere, at anytime, ever? They wouldn't be lying to us, would they? Did I fall asleep and miss all the enraged sales reps pulling their knackered Sierras into Little Chef car parks and dancing around a flaming pyre of black cherry pancakes? Hang on, is that horseshit I can smell?

---------- Forwarded message ----------
From: Sabina Miller [sabina_miller@fmgirl.com]
Date: 2009/7/24
Subject: LITTLE CHEF 'FAT CHARLIE' LOGO TO LOOK LIKE HESTON BLUMENTHAL - CHEFS COAT, GLASSES ADDED

Goodafternoon SHE MEANS "GOOD AFTERNOON",
Little Chef’s Fat Chef is being altered to look like Celebrity Chef Heston Blumenthal. Please see info below.
Regards,
Sabina

****

LITTLE CHEF ’FAT CHARLIE’ LOGO TO LOOK LIKE HESTON BLUMENTHAL - CHEFS COAT, GLASSES ADDED

Little Chef’s iconic ’Fat Chef’ is to be given a makeover making him look identical to Celebrity Chef Heston Blumenthal. IDENTICAL? REALLY? IN EVERY WAY?

The chubby chef is being given a proper ’Chef’s jacket’ YOU SAID IT WAS A "CHEFS COAT" A MINUTE AGO, MAKE YOUR MIND UP and will be given glasses. BRILLIANT.

Next week the Heston Blumenthal menu is being rolled out to Little Chef’s SHE MEANS "LITTLE CHEFS" in York and Kettering.

As Little Chef pins it’s SHE MEANS "ITS" future of SHE MEANS "ON" Heston’s new menu, the iconic ’Fat Chef’ will reflect that.

The iconic chef will remain chubby however, after customers revolted IT'S TRUE, LITTLE CHEF'S CUSTOMERS ARE REVOLTING when plans to slim down ’Fat Charlie’ caused up-roar DOES THIS MEAN THEY REVOLTED BECAUSE OF THE UP-ROAR?

For further information, please reply to Sabina Miller

Tray's Jesus!

2009-07-23T05:20:00.000-07:00

I realise that a PR person's reason for existence is to make up utter crap about products that no one actually cares for, but surely there are limits? I mean, even PRs need to keep at least one jaundiced eye on their self-respect, no? Ermmm, well...

Hello LiS. I've just been sent this, the first paragraph is just epic!

From: Simone Plackett [mailto:s.plackett@roman-showers.com]
Sent: 22 July 2009 16:21
Subject: Roman Press Release- To Infinity and Beyond

To Infinity and Beyond

Roman, the UK’s leading shower designer and manufacturer announces a massive MASSIVE! break through in tray technology YOWSA! with the launch of their Infinity range of shower trays. The installation of shower trays will never be the same again NOT NEVER, EVER AGAIN! with this ultra minimalist level access tray.

The Infinity Tray is designed to seamlessly blend into the bathroom flooring to offer complete level access without the need to step up into the enclosure. The Infinity Tray is manufactured from Roman Stone, a solid surface material which is self-reinforcing ensuring the tray remains strong, smooth and durable. The self-reinforcing nature enables the tray to be laid directly down to joist I AM GETTING AROUSED NOW, so that once the floor tiles are laid it creates level access into the showering area. For those that are still reluctant to install a wetroom this level access tray completely simulates the wetroom experience whilst offering the reassurance of a tray - it is an exceptionally versatile product.

The unique and flawless styling of the Infinity Tray has been designed with a single angle flow to waste to maximise flow rating I DON'T THINK ANYONE ACTUALLY KNOWS WHAT THIS BIT MEANS, SORRY. The waste is suitable for power shower systems and carries away an exceptionally high flow rate OR THIS BIT, SOZ. This exclusive chic look is completed with a stylish load bearing solid surface waste cover, whilst still providing access to the waste for cleaning. The contemporary white finish ensures the Infinity Tray complements all bathroom fittings

Roman’s key ranges are aimed at BORING BORING BORING or ability.

David Osborne, Managing Director at Roman, commented: “I AM, ACTUALLY, QUITE TEDIOUS.”

Please do not hesitate to contact me if there is anything I can help with.

Kind Regards,

Simone Plackett
Senior PR Executive
Roman Ltd
www.roman-showers.com

The PR Fight Back Is On

2009-07-21T00:28:00.000-07:00

This just in from a long term reader and contributor to LiS. I thought it was time to show the other side, mainly as those no-marks as Get Over It "Daily" never actually managed to post one single item.

So, PRs, if you want to offload some of your pain too - you know where to come.

Dear LiS, as a regular reader and flack by trade, I pride myself in not spamming time-pressed hacks by blindly emailing them press releases they won't be interested in. That said, I'm still quite junior and don't know every journo in the country so if I'm pitching a story in an area new to me (especially at national level) then I'll often do a quick ring-round first to see if it might be of interest before emailing anything over.

Last week I was pitching an environmentally-focused story, so was calling various editors to see if it might float their boat. I thought I'd recount one conversation I had, just to show you how thankless life the other side of the fence can be:

Fairly well-known enviro hack: Hello?

Me: Is that Mr Hack?

FWKEH: Yes.

Me: Hi it's MATEY calling from BLAHBLAH, I understand you're the environment editor for The Newspaper.

FWKEH: What makes you understand that?

Me: Urmm, well, I did some research into people who write about environmental stories and your name came up.

FWKEH: I don't write for The Newspaper any more.

Me: Oh, sorry. Do you still cover environmental stories? I looked you up on MediaDisk and it said you do.

FWKEH: You clearly don't know the first thing about me.

Me: Right. My mistake.

FWKEH: I've had a PRODUCT out recently, and I contribute to The Other Newspaper. If you don't know that then you don't know anything.

Me: I'm really very sorry for wasting your time.

FWKEH: So you should be. [HANGS UP].

I'd just like to apologise to Mr Hack once again. I'm not a specialist in environmental PR, and I'll be honest, I didn't know who he was. However, it's such a shame when people can't see that you're just trying to do your job. Sad face.

A Masterclass In Tediousness

2009-07-16T00:42:00.000-07:00

This just in from a seniour LiS reporter situated in a smart part of a smart city.

A few questions. Why are you sending me this stream of blank consciousness about your clients? Is there any news here or just that they are still vacant, vacuous climbers stuck in the foothills of Mount Showbiz?

----- Forwarded message -----
"Tim Beaumont" [tim@lizmatthewspr.com]
Subject *** News Alert from Liz Matthews PR

SOME EXCITING NEWS FROM OUR CLIENTS...
AMANDA BORING
Amanda presents BORING alongside Richard BORING on BBC1. This British version of the US game show BORING is already a huge cult hit and returned to our screens last Saturday for its 2nd series. Having reached audiences of over 5 million in its prime-time slot, the show is only set to get bigger and better. Catch it every Saturday at 7.00pm on BBC1 until 5th September.

A 3rd series has already been commissioned and begins filming in Argentina
in October. Also, such is the popularity of the show, a Celebrity Special
is due for tx around December 2009. Amanda started her career in TV in 1999 presenting the popular breakfast show BORING on TV3. Her big break in England came when she landed the job of co-hosting the iconic Channel 4 show BORING for its final year in 2002. She also presented celebrity news show BORING on BBC3 in 2002. For the past 4 years she has been working in the States presenting shows like BORING and BORING. Whilst in LA she presented UK shows for Sky including Oscars Coverage 2005 / 2006 and 2 series of BORING.

DAN BORING
Dan BORING is an actor, writer and stand up comedian with a fantastic
catalogue of work including BORING, BORING, BORING, BORING and most recently BORING. As a stand up, Dan has written and performed in three successful Edinburgh shows and has toured the UK with the highly acclaimed BORING. He also hosts his own monthly comedy show in London, Clark's, which has featured big name guest comics such as Noel Fielding, Simon Amstell and Stephen Merchant. After two successful series of short comedies for the Paramount Comedy Channel, Dan was commissioned to write and star in his own series, BORING, for BBC3. The series was nominated for 'Best Comedy Programme' at the 2009 Broadcast Awards and Dan himself received a BORING nomination at last year’s Comedy Awards. The eagerly anticipated 2nd series of BORING will air on
BBC3 from 10th September all the way through until OH CHRIST ALRIGHT ALREADY.

RICK BORING
Rick is part of the T4 presenting family alongside Steve Boring and Miquita
Boring - - T4 on the Beach is on C4 this Sunday at 2pm. Whilst continuing to host T4 every weekend, Rick also has an extremely xciting solo project to talk about. The BORING show stems from BORING's 5-year partnership with UK BORING - a partnership which looks to encourage consumers to live by the "BORING" philosophy and eat healthier foods whilst leading BORING lives. This 12-part series will feature all things BORING - and Rick will be out and about around the country looking at what sports are on offer, searching for the UK's up-and-coming athletes, and having a go AT himself! He could be OH CHRIST ALL RIGHT ALREADY

ALEXA BORING
Alexa is now based in New York where she is fronting her own brand new show for MTV. The magazine style show, IT'S BORING WITH ALEXA BORING, is live from Times Square every weekday and is a highlight of MTV's new season of programmes. The ratings have tripled since its opening week, and the show has now been moved to a primetime slot that used to be occupied by TRL. Recent guests have included ALL THE USUAL REALLY BORING PEOPLE. Alexa is making a huge impression Stateside and will, herself, appear on top chat show 'Late Night with Jimmy Boring' OK GIVE IT A REST NOW PLEASE.

For full roster please visit
www.lizboringpr.com

Why Waste Time Having A Read Through?

2009-07-13T01:18:00.001-07:00

What's the point in having the "CTO" of some mobile company and a bloke who used to work for Dubya all lined-up and ready to gas on about a news story if the PR trying to pitch the piece gets such a crucial part of the story so catastrophically wrong?

Thanks to the LiS operative who sent this:

Let's just see if we can spot the glaringly fundamental error in this opportunistic press release.

Hardly inspires confidence, does it?

----- Original Message -----
From: Lewis Goldberg
Sent: Friday, July 10, 2009 2:30 PM
Subject: Mobile Security Expert to Explain How Journalists Hacked Celebrity Cell Phones

Hi

I'm writing to let you know Dan Hoffman, CTO of SMobile System or Joe Hagin, Vice Chairman of SMobile and former CTO of the Bush White House, are available to help you understand how the journalists from The Guardian newspaper OH DEAR in the UK were able to hack into celebrity cell phones CALL THE LAWYERS! More importantly how vulnerable are everyone else's phones and what can be done to protect them from malicious hackers, spammers and others.

Smobile is the world's leading BLAH of BLAH and their BLAHBLAH software is used by multiple agencies in the BLAH to BLAHBLAH.

Please let me know if you are interested in speaking with either Dan or Joe.

Thanks

Lewis Goldberg
973-997-0232

If you would rather not receive future email messages from Smobile, let us know by clicking here. Smobile, 880 Third Ave., 6th Flr., New York, NY 10022 United States

And What Would You Like From The BBQ, Darling?

2009-07-08T01:50:00.000-07:00

Sometimes a press release isn't badly written, it's just sort of quietly foul. This just in from a very senior LiS operative in the field.

You know what? I don't even know where to start with this one

Begin forwarded message:

From: "shannon@10yetis.co.uk" [shannon@10yetis.co.uk]
Date: 3 July 2009 12:02:02 BDT
Subject: BEER CAN UP THE BUM CHICKEN THE MOST IN DEMAND BBQ RECIPE OF 2009 SO FAR

Hi XXXXX,

I hope you are well and enjoying the slightly cooler weather we’re having today!

As most men love to BBQ and this summer is set to be a scorcher, I have something that I think your readers might be interested in. My name is Shannon and I represent www.iLoveMyBBQ.com, a website that launched in 2007 as a hobby site, but that has become increasingly popular by word of mouth.

iLoveMyBBQ.com offers visitors great BBQ recipes, as well as tips, advice and reviews of the latest barbecues and BBQ equipment. The release below is all about the Top 5 BBQ Recipes of 2009 so far and the aptly named ‘Beer Can up the Bum Chicken’ has come out on top.

All the recipes in the release can be found at www.iLoveMyBBQ.com, but if you require any more information, feel free to get in touch.

Kind regards,
__________________
Shannon Haigh
Public Relations Yeti
10 Yetis Ltd

Classical Gash

2009-07-06T04:46:00.001-07:00

This just in from an LiS operative working deep undercover:

You know how the worst thing about classical concerts is the terrible comfort of the theatre seats, the unpleasant convenience of an interval (with the indignity of being able to order your drinks in advance) and the sheer horror of experiencing music played in an acoustically sympathetic environment?

Well suffer no more! Now you can hear the music you love in a sweaty stinkhole where the air conditioning fails to provide any relief from the soaring temperatures but does make a loud and worrying electrical click every 30 seconds. You'll be free to stand up for the duration or sit on a plastic bucket chair that looks like it was stolen from a youth club in 1978. And if you're a fan of "banter"!

Begin forwarded message:
From: Rosalia Ferrara [rosalia@ferrarapr.com]
Date: 6 July 2009 11:03:11 BST
Subject: LIVE classical performance in a rocknroll EH? environment with a very special guest 'JAMES RHODES' /VOCES8 /Compere at 100 Club on Tuesday 14th July

"LIMELIGHT"
Live CLASSICAL performance in a ROCKnROLL (she means Rock N Roll, maybe) environment with very special guest
‘JAMES RHODES’ (who “he”?)

“It’s a massive honour IT'S NOT THOUGH, REALLY, IS IT? to be first up for the Limelight gigs and playing in such an historic, funky, UGH! FUNKY! wonderful venue such as the 100 Club… Beethoven would approve!” OF A THING HE'D HAVE NO CONCEPT OF? I DOUBT IT – James Rhodes. DON’T YOU MEAN ‘JAMES RHODES’?

LIMELIGHT is launched on Tuesday 14th July at the 100 Club -Central London’s only classical club night. WHY’S THAT THEN?

Limelight presents live classical performances in a rock’n’roll I THOUGHT IT WAS ROCKnROLL (OR rocknroll)? setting. Taking place in Oxford Street’s 100 Club on monthly Tuesdays from July, Limelight will feature established and unsigned classical artists (trans: buskers).

The launch of Limelight takes place on Tuesday 14th July with headline pianist James Rhodes (AKA ‘JAMES RHODES’) supported by vocal group VOCES8.

Limelight is staged at the 100 Club on Oxford Street YOU’VE DONE THIS BIT, with seated and standing room, a bar open throughout the evening, and two live acts performing up to an hour long each. A compere will host the evening, have dialogue with the artist and provide some background on their choice of music for the night. The performers are also welcome to involve the audience in the banter. “BANTER”! OH GOD NO!

Limelight’s organizers are moving away from established methods of producing high quality classical events in favour of ~~PRODUCING HORRIBLE LOW-QUALITY ONES~~ attracting an audience who want to see live music in a more interactive, informative and club-like setting. They believe this informal approach will appeal to artists who relish the idea of getting out of the concert hall and engaging with a new audience. GOOD LUCK WITH THIS.

James Rhodes YOU KNOW HIM AS ‘JAMES RHODES’, who performed at The Queen Elizabeth Hall and this year sold out the Roundhouse, released his debut album ‘Razor blades, little pills and big pianos,’ THAT’S DRUGS ACKCHERLEE! OMFG!!11 will open Limelight, setting the tone and perfectly illustrating Limelight’s ethos.

Next LIMELIGHT events will be on Tuesday 25th August with violinist ‘Charlie Siem’ HERE WE GO AGAIN and Tuesday 8th September – act to be confirmed ‘CONFIRMED’, INNIT.

For more information and OH GIVE IT A REST

Your Survey Said? Uh-Oh...

2009-07-06T01:48:00.000-07:00

The following is an astonishingly bad piece of work that left a corporation already in trouble looking even worse. Sending a rubbishy email out to anyone is bad enough, but to send it out to freelance journalists - literally, the most cynically attuned people on the face of the earth, and I mean that in the most glowing sort of way - is actually catastrophic.

I would fully expect the person who wrote this to be sacked forthwith. And for that reason alone I have deleted their name as, frankly, I don't need their blood on my hands.

Thanks to the LiS operative who sent me this:

Hello LiS.

Good to see the failing education system still means you can get actual paid work for EMI PR.

-----
From: *****, ****
Sent: Thursday, July 02, 2009 4:36 PM
Subject: EMI Master database update '09

Hi All
Sorry for the bulk email.....

Some of you may know of me from my previous job at NAME DELETED (hi) but I'm currently helping update the EMI (Virgin/Parlophone) master database list and wondered if you could take 2 mins out of your busy day and send me the below info asap.

The MORE info the better.

1. Name:
2. job: WHY NO CAPITAL?
3. company (s)- I THOUGHT THIS WAS FOR FREELANCE PEOPLE?, then who do you write for and how often:
4. Coverage - reviews/features etc?
5. What feautres YOU MEAN FEATURES? do you actually do?
6. Number(s): ER WHAT DOES THIS MEAN???
7. Email:
8. Website:
9. address:
10. Circ: for any of the publicstions THE WHAT? you may wright (YOU MEAN "WRITE"?) for.
11. Any other info you can provide:coverage/sections - i.e what features/review and in what sections there in. EH? DO YOU MEAN "THEY'RE IN"?

Really appreciate you taking five mins out to complete. I THOUGHT YOU SAID "2 MINS"?

Any problems do not hesitate to get in touch.

Many thanks
**** *****
EMI Press/ freelance PR

-------------------------------------
Music from EMI

This e-mail including any attachments is BLAHBLAHBLAH please contact us on +44 20 7795 7000.

This email is from a unit or subsidiary of EMI Group Limited.

Registered Office: 27 Wrights Lane, London W8 5SW

Registered in England No 229231.

Crime of the Month

2009-06-26T03:23:00.000-07:00

If you wanted to move - wholesale - in to the misogyny game, this press release would be a good place to start. Thanks to the LiS operative who sent me this:

Obviously are all parking attendents men, and stupid ones at that.

I read this press release with bemusement, in particular at the generalised sexism it infers, and wondered if the people who conceived and wrote it don't also find it difficult to regulate their thoughts, feelings and actions - when writing press releases, for instance.

NB, the line "towards the taboo subject of women and their periods." Come on, we're not living under the Taliban.

An amazingly stupid piece of misogyny masquerading as Girl Power.

Everyone loses: men look stupid, women look both stupid and conniving, the brand looks misguided, the life coach, director and PR look stupid, conniving and misguided. the only party it's possible to feel sympathetic towards is parking attendants.

I rest my case.

__________
FWD MESSAGE
WOMEN’S MENSTRUAL CYCLES USED AS SCAPEGOAT TO AVOID HEFTY FINES

88% women have used having their period as an excuse for getting out of unwanted situations, with 72% using their period as an excuse for getting out of paying parking fines and speeding tickets.

Almost 50% of women surveyed say they feel more scatty "SCATTY" when on their period and therefore liable to make more mistakes. The poll was undertaken by voxpopuk.com for Moxie feminine hygiene products, where 1,500 men and women were polled about behaviour and attitudes towards the taboo subject of women and their periods.

The same survey revealed that:

Men are still in the dark ages when it comes to women’s periods as 69% of men had very little clue about their partner’s periods, thinking that tampons were available the same as clothes sizes of extra small, small, medium and large OH JESUS.

Mia Klitsas, Director of Moxie, says, “Periods can be troublesome as they are, let alone getting a parking fine at the same time! Moxie is all about making the most of a bad situation, so if we can use our feminine powers to get us out of sticky situations, why not?"

Jessica Chivers, The Thinking Woman's Coach IS THAT LIKE A COACH YOU GO ON A DAY TRIP ON? at www.beyoubutbetter.co.uk says, "embarrassing the parking warden into revoking the ticket with period talk could be a good strategy if they haven't already written the ticket, especially if you flummox (him) with talk of falling oestrogen levels affecting your pre-frontal cortex and your ability to make rational decisions. Joking aside SORRY, DID I MISS THE JOKE? DO YOU WANT TO HAVE ANOTHER RUN UP AT IT?, some women really do find it difficult to regulate their thoughts, feelings and actions when they have their period because of the drop in oestrogen circulating the body." OH RIGHT, THAT EXPLAINS EVERYTHING.
ENDS

For further information about Moxie go to: www.pressinformation.co.uk or contact Brandnation on 0207 940 ****

Vile Bodies (Foreign Dept)

2009-06-18T08:20:00.000-07:00

This is a great example of a bad idea done badly leading to a deeply bad outcome. French people in Speedos? What's wrong with that, unless, you don't mean French people, but ugly people. Or fat people. Or old people. Or people with one leg and a hairy back. Because there's not much wrong with a young, fit-looking person in a pair of snug-fitting swimmers is there? And "Spanish women in thongs"? Eh? So, Penélope Cruz and, say, Salma Hayek and, like, every nice-looking Spanish woman in the world wearing, y'know, not enough clothes is bad now? Really? Says who? Hey, Yeti PR. What other polls full of unamusingly casual, woefully moronic, spittle-flecked and pointless animosity do you have for us? Thanks to a respected LiS War Lord situated in the field for this:

Equities to exploit when PRing online travel services:

1. Xenophobia
2. Stating the obvious
3. Lies

Begin forwarded message:From: "emma@10yetis.co.uk"
Date: 18 June 2009 10:10:22
Subject: SPEEDOS VOTED WORST ALL-TIME SWIMWEAR FAUX PAS
Hi BLAHBLAH

A European study has found the Top 5 swimwear blunders of all time and the nation that’s responsible for them! On top came the French in Speedos, closely followed by Germans in the nud! Mankini’s came in third place and more Brits than any other nation admit to having worn a mankini in public!!

I hope you like the release! Please feel free to get in touch if you would like any more information.

Many thanks,

Emma Stockley
Public Relations
Yeti
10 Yetis Ltd

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE
JUNE 2009
SPEEDOS VOTED WORST ALL-TIME SWIMWEAR FAUX PAS
The UK’s fastest growing independent online travel agent can reveal the Top 5 European swimwear faux pas, with the French in Speedos, Spanish women in thongs, Germans in the nude and Brits in mankini’s all reaching the top spots of most disliked swimwear of all time!

There have been hundreds of fashion trends over the years; some which were awful, some which will never be spoken of again, some which are coming back and some that just won’t go away! It seems Speedos fall under the latter and have just been voted as the worst item of swimwear of all time!

A European study of 1,490 holiday-goers from the UK’s fastest growing independent online travel agent has found the list of the Top 5 European Beachwear Blunders and the country that’s responsible for the most eye sores on the beach; the French get the award for the most awful swimwear in Europe.

The research from www.sunshine.co.uk revealed that Frenchmen were the biggest Speedo bandits, with 1 in 3 admitting they owned a pair. 31% of European respondents thought that Speedos were the worst form of swimwear; making the French the worst fashion victims on the beach!

In second place came the Germans, with 1 in 5 admitting they have gone nude on the beach and more than 20% of European respondents claiming that a middle-aged man playing tennis in his birthday suit is not what they want to see whilst relaxing on holiday.

The list of the Top 5 biggest swimwear blunders were as follows:1) French in Speedos – 31%2) Germans in the nude – 21%3) Brits in Mankini’s –20%4) Spanish senorita’s in thongs – 11%5) Italians in animal print – 8%6) Other – 9%

Chris Brown, Managing Director of sunshine.co.uk said;

“BLAHBLAHBLAH mankini’s!”

Jill Tovey, Head Fashionista FASHIONISHTA! HAHAHAHAHA! from MyCelebrityFashion.co.uk, the UK’s leading celeb style-stealing website talks about the list of Top 5 fashion blunders: “BLAHBLAHBLAH on our beaches yet...!”

Raspberry Nipple

2009-06-15T01:58:00.000-07:00

This just in from a newly-minted LiS operative situated deep undercover:

Hello LiS

Just got this through. I must say I agree. I really have questioned why Posh's nipples were quite so HUGE yesterday. But that's because I'm an avid reader of the Mail and it was on their site and I just thought OOH! NIPPLES! I love how the Harley Medical Group take every opportunity to create PR out of everything. But then that's their PR's job. I'm tempted to say something about the nipples sparking a mass debate amongst the UK's male population but, being an esteemed journalist (in my own head), I shall avoid temptation.

Begin forwarded message:

From: "Hannah Walsh" [Hannah.walsh@RainCommunications.co.uk]
Date: 11 June 2009 17:19:18 BST
Subject: Victoria Beckham sparks nipple debate

Hi,
Sure you’ve probably all seen in the papers today Victoria Beckham was photographed wearing a sheer black top that revealed her protruding nipples NOW I'M INTERESTED. Dr Riccardo Frati, a cosmetic surgeon at The Harley Medical Group comments as follows:

“Patients having Breast Augmentations will often find their nipples will remain erect for a while after surgery OH I SEE, YES though after a time the breasts can ‘relax’ and the nipples will return to their normal state INNIT. It’s not out of the question that to achieve her current shape, Victoria Beckham has had multiple breast augmentations. BUT WE'RE NOT GOING TO SAY FOR DEFINITE, IN CASE WE GET SUED.

On the whole I would not recommend a round, high profile shaped implant to my patients as the result is clearly not natural, with the resulting breasts looking very high on chest. YES, VERY HIGH ON CHEST he says. Most breast augmentation patients are keen to keep things in proportion and opt for lower profile implant which gives breasts a more natural shape.

“There are nipple surgery options out there and a minority of women seek to change the size or shape of their nipples through reconstructive surgery purely for cosmetic reasons. Another option, nipple elevation, involves the nipple being raised above its existing level with to enhance its appearance and make the breast look more pert. Surgery can also reverse the retraction of nipples, which can be a problem for women who want to breast feed but can also improve the shape of the breast.” BRILLIANT

Please get back in touch for breast augmentation case-studies and further professional comment.

Kind regards,

Hannah

Hannah Walsh
Rain Communications UK - the news generation agency
2 Greycoat Place
London SW1P 1SB
W: www.raincommunications.co.uk

Quick! Fire Up The Email Machine!

2009-06-05T02:05:00.000-07:00

Someone you've never heard of has decided to manage someone you've never heard of! This is amazing news! Or, as a newly minted LiS operative located in near a major landmark has it:

Who? What? Why?

------ Forwarded Message
From: Priscilla Granozio [priscilla@pagetbaker.com]
Date: Wed, 3 Jun 2009 13:26:23 +0100
Conversation: LEGENDARY AMERICAN MUSIC MANAGER SIGNS UP EMERGING BRITISH PAINTER, CHARMING BAKER

Please find the press release and image sheet attached for the forthcoming show of work by Charming Baker. Do contact me for further information.

The legendary American music manager Pat Magnarella has decided to sign up this emerging British painter from Kidbrooke in Greenwich, and use his promotional talent to globally launch this artist.

Kind Regards,
Priscilla

LEGENDARY AMERICAN MUSIC MANAGER SIGNS UP EMERGING BRITISH PAINTER, CHARMING BAKER

Meaning of Everything – a solo show by Charming Baker
The Gallery, BLAH BLAH, London BLAH BLAH
from BLAH – BLAH 2009.

The preview date is BLAH, from 6pm – 11pm

Not Gossip

2009-06-02T07:02:00.000-07:00

Gossip is a hard business. You need to have details, pictures, times and dates and a sense of purpose. You need to be well-placed (or have well-placed sources). You need to be quick and have nerves of steel. Unfortunately, inane guff about your breakfast routine and woeful "chats" with taxi-drivers just doesn't cut it.

By the way, Zoe, did you actually pay for the website "design"? Really? Only, you know it's sort of the most startlingly unattractive thing imaginable, right?

Still, best of luck with it all, eh!

Thanks to the senior LiS reporter, situated in a smart part of a smart town who sent me this:

"Up to date news" = a shite post about her lollipop lady.

Brilliant.

Begin forwarded message:

From: Zoe Griffin [zoe@zoegriffin.co.uk]
Date: 2 June 2009 14:37:41 BST
Subject: Gossip Griffin - www.zoegriffin.co.uk
To everyone who is bored of the same old celebrity websites,

After two years at the Sunday Mirror, I've launched www.zoegriffin.co.uk

It's the only source of up to date news about what's happening on British soils, (unless I get invited to an amazingly cool party abroad). I'm at the heart of the action with a video camera - not only telling you what it is like but showing you.

Please update all mailing lists.

My new emails are zoe@zoegriffin.co.uk and zoe.griffin@gmail.com

My mobile is 0771 7*** 394

Send me fabulous things!

Zoe Griffin
www.zoegriffin.co.uk
0771 7*** 394
zoe@zoegriffin.co.uk

That's Shallot

2009-05-14T08:07:00.000-07:00

Sometimes you get press releases that fill you with rage and despair. Other times you get ones that make you feel a bit sad for the person who has to write this crap. Try and guess which category the following falls into.

Hello LiS. I received this the other day and it made me think of you. "I would be extremely grateful if you could advise"? Eh? My advice, really Kate, would be to get a new job.

From: Kate Woodward
Sent: 05 May 2009 11:59
Subject: Shallot recipes

Hi there
Just wondering if I can tempt you into featuring some fantastic new summery serving suggestions for Shallot SHE MEANS "shallots" – I’ve got a great kebab idea if you are planning a spread on national BBQ week at the end of the month? Shall I send some across?

Also WHERE'S THE COMMA? do you think you can helps SHE MEANS "HELP" us to reconnect consumers with the once much loved grapefruit? WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU ON ABOUT? I can send over details on the health benefits and what to buy if you think you might be able to highlight this?

I would be extremely grateful if you could advise WHERE'S THE FULL STOP?

Many thanks
Kate Woodward
Pam Lloyd PR

It Was 20 Years Ago, um, Tomorrow

2009-05-12T03:26:00.000-07:00

Two decades ago a band released a record. Some people quite liked it. Tomorrow, years after they split up, someone's releasing a live album or something of some stuff they did, like, ages ago.

BUT DON'T TELL ANYONE! RIGHT!

Another Quiet Afternoon in the Artrocker Office...

2009-05-01T06:59:00.001-07:00

A good friend of mine used to work on a dance music magazine. All week they'd tap away quietly, bothering no one. But on Friday afternoons they'd stumble back from the pub in time to take delivery of their weekend naughtiness and from there on in it was SHOUTING and smoking out the windows and writing reams of TOTAL BALLS until it was time to go to the pub up the road and really get on it.

Now, I'm not suggesting for ONE MINUTE that this is what's happened here. All I am saying is that it reminds me of my friend's experience. That's all.

Hello LiS. Tell me, does anybody bother to read through their crap before sending it out? There's a mistake here in the first bloody line!

From: Artrocker
Sent: 01 May 2009 12:38
Subject: [News] Artrocker Calling: How To Avoid Swine Flu

ARTROCKERS,
anybody out there planning a weekend getwaway A WHAT? to Mexico? Thought not. If the cocaine gangs don't get you the pigs will (see what I did there? Pig swill? Oh forget it). Mind you, the cocaine gangs in my hometown Brixton aren't exactly cuddly, but at least they don't come at you with pig's bladders and bacon sandwiches. Interesting to note that during the Spanish Inquisition (which included Spanish owned Mexico) persons supected YOU WHAT? of being of the Jewish persuasion OH DEAR were made to prove their christianity by eating bacon sandwiches - history does not record whether they were offered ketchup bit BIT? EH? I think we can assume that they were, after all, what's a bacon sarnie without a dollop of the red stuff? Stretch 'em on the rack, pull their fingernails out...no, the horror of the inquisition can be reduced to a bacon sandwich, which kind of puts it all into perpective YOU WHAT? doesn't it? ('Too much fucking perspective'). And to bring this all up to date, I couldn't help laughing recently when an angry mob turned on some anti-war protesters at a homecoming parade for squaddies returning form FORM? YOU WHAT? Iraq ('that's funny is it Tom? You've certainly got a wierd "WIERD"? LIKE WEIRD? sense of humour') and expressed their anger by throwing packets of bacon at them - not shooting them, stringing them up or setting fire to their beards, no, throwing packets of bacon. That's funny and, if such a concept exists, typically British. TAKE A BREATH PAL, FOR GOD'S SAKE
But I digress. It looks very much like the World Health Organisation will declare a global pandemic any minute now - but what does that mean? Will all flights cease? Will public buildings, pubs, clubs and venues be closed? Will Arsenal win the second leg? We just don't know, but in the meantime here are some tips for avoiding the plague; 1. Don't snog Mexicans GOOD ONE, THANKS FOR THIS 2. Don't snog pigs HILARIOUS 3. Don't snog 4. Fill your mouth and nostrils with charcoal (makes a great filter) and 5. Call for The Magnificent Seven.
And remember, coughs and sneezes spread diseases - if you see a sneezing pig or a runny nosed Mexican for God's sake give them a hanky.
This has been a public health service announcement on behalf of Artrocker Magazine.

Tom Artrocker
Editor At The Doctors: Artrocker Magazine and Artrocker.tv

Spurn My Spawn

2009-04-30T00:04:00.000-07:00

Swine flu: on the downside it kills people. On the upside, according to Holly at Bite PR, it's involved in the fight against useless spam.

---------- Forwarded message ----------
From: Holly Axelrad [Holly.Axelrad@bitepr.com]
Date: Tue, Apr 28, 2009 at 5:04 PM
Subject: Swine flu spurns spamming frenzy
Cc: SymantecEnt [SymantecEnt@bitepr.com]

Hi there,
As the swine flu outbreak in Mexico and the United States gains BORING.

In the past, such current event spam campaigns included sending BORING.

One of the samples simply informs recipients of the BORING.

If you would like to speak to Symantec, please contact us on Symantec@bitepr.com or on 0208 *** 3504.

Kind regards,

Holly

Brest In Show

2009-04-29T09:34:00.000-07:00

This just in from a senior LiS reporter situated behind enemy lines...

Dear LiS, according to the subject field of this email, Philips Avent seems to be suggesting that mothers would do well do offer their babies the noted French seaport and naval base, Brest. The Finisterre, Brittany town's attractions include the Jardin botanique de l'Hôpital d'Instruction des Armées Clermont-Tonnerre and a botanical garden specialising in endangered species, while the locale was also the setting for the 1982 art film Querelle. What suckling infant would not be truly nourished by all this? OK, so the rest of it is OK (if crushingly dull), but is it really so hard to just read the thing before you send it? And f*** knows why all this nonsense comes to me...

FWD MESSAGE
From: "Anais Roc" [Anais@focuspr.co.uk]
Date: 28 April 2009 13:23:55 BDT
To: "Philips Avent" [philipsavent@focuspr.co.uk]
Subject: Give your baby the brest start in life!

I Feel Almost Sorry For Him. Almost. UPDATE

2009-04-28T05:04:00.000-07:00

This just in from a "long-time reader, rare contributor".

Just a quick postscript to your story. As one one of the posters has already hinted, the supposedly random punter quoted in the release, "Jayne Ward from Staffordshire" bears a curious resemblance to the name of the PR company Ward Lovett, who have produced this dull bollocks.

And funnily enough it has a PR account director called Jayne Ward from Cannock, Staffordshire

But that still doesn’t stop them from quoting Jayne Ward from Cannock as if she were a random member of the public. Only sometimes they do so through the super-subtle method of dropping the “y” from her name to disguise it. Oooh. That’ll fox 'em!

"For Jane Ward and her family, from Cannock in Staffordshire, it was the first time they had been to the dogs. She said: “The stadium was really busy and it was a great atmosphere. We were laughing all the way through the human race and we will definitely be back to watch the dogs again soon.” Presumably because she was paid to be there.

What a bunch of lazy tw@ts.

Keep up the good work.

Yours, a hack who writes educational stuff.

I Feel Almost Sorry For Him. Almost.

2009-04-24T07:09:00.000-07:00

I think this might be the most tragic, pointless email of all time. The precious seconds of Clive's life are ticking away and he's sat at his desk in Cannock tip-tapping on his 4-year-old Dell banging out this crap for, what?, 30 grand a year? Might this be the moment to resurrect the phrase, Kill Me Now? Thanks to a senior LiS reporter in the field for this heart-breaking amazingness.

How Not To Do PR Masterclass No. 45,983:

Clive "hopes this is of interest". The pathos of it all, it's like a Greek tragedy.

Begin forwarded message:
From: "clive@wardlovett.com" [clive@wardlovett.com]
Subject: Dunlop to reveal Mini owners’ secrets

Hello

kind regards

Have you ever owned a mini? Did you give it a name? Would it have a story to tell?
The mini is 50 this year and the organisers of the Dunlop Great & British Motorsport Festival are looking for some Mini stories, just out of curiosity - perhaps you have one yourself?

We've opened up the subject online and have already had some interesting names!

A Northumberland man has already told us that his 3 year old daughter calls his mini 'Rusty Toilet'. Asked why he said that they've made up a song about it to the tune of twinkle twinkle little star...

Twinkle twinkle chocolate bar, Daddy drives a rusty car. Pull the handle, pull the choke, off we go with a puff of smoke. Twinkle twinkle chocolate bar, Daddy drives a rusty car!

I hope this is of interest - and naturally, if you'd like to come along to the event at Rockingham we'll be happy to put you on the Press Guest List.

Clive

Dunlop reveals mini owners’ secrets
The Mini celebrates its BORING...

Dunlop Motorsport’s Communications Manager James Bailey said; “BORING.”

Bailey, who has admitted to BORING.

“When we were planning the BORING.”

Jayne Ward from Staffordshire was one of the first to tell all on Dunlop’s ‘driversknow’ website. She said; “BORING.”

The first Dunlop Great & British Motorsport Festival of the season is BORING.

ENDS

Clive Reeves
PR Director

t.01543 501111 f.0871 715 1812 m.07786 735010
e.clive@wardlovett.comwww.wardlovett.com
Virtual press office www.wardlovettpressoffice.com
Ward Lovett | Morston Court | Kingswood Lakeside | Cannock | WS11 8JB

Racial Awareness

2009-04-21T03:50:00.000-07:00

Unbelievable! This is a new low from the PR industry, surely? I, like most people, try not to forget my sense of humour when I'm thinking about the violent destruction of 6 million lives - it was a long time ago, right? - but it takes a specially abled person to caption a piece about a film based on the life of the man who saved more than a thousand Polish refugees during the holocaust, "Would Jew Believe It?".

Staggering.

Thank you Libby at SWNS for lowering the bar another few large notches. I hope the pay-packet is worth it.

From: libby@swns.com [mailto:libby@swns.com]
Sent: 21 April 2009 10:51
To: NationalNews
Subject: SCHINDLER'S LIST IS GREATEST WAR MOVIE

WOULD JEW BELIEVE IT

NEWS COPY

Schindler's List was yesterday (Tue) named the greatest war movie of all time.

The 1993 movie which starred Liam Neeson and won seven Oscars, tells the true story of businessman Oskar Schindler.

Schindler became an unlikely hero during WWII when he turned his factory into a refuge for Jews who were facing death in concentration camps.

Second place went to 1963 film The Great Escape, which is based on the true story of a allied group of prisoners of war to launch an ambitious plan to escape from the Nazis.

Third place in the poll of 3,000 movie fans was Tom Hanks' blockbuster saving Private Ryan, which is set around the Allied invasion of Normandy in 1944.

Enemy at the Gates, starring Jude Law and Rachel Weisz, was fourth place, followed by 1995 hit Braveheart with Mel Gibson as Scottish rebel William Wallace.

Colonel Martin Gibson, Chief Executive of war veterans charity Erskine, said: ''Schindler's List is a story that evokes the deepest emotions and ensures the Holocaust will never be thought of in the same way again.

''Of the 75,000 veterans we have cared for many remember with startling alacrity the horrors of WWII and most importantly the unsung heroes of those dark days.''

Vietnam War film, Apocalypse Now came sixth place, while 1939 classic Gone with the Wind was at number seven.

Eighth place went to The Bridge on the River Kwai while Where Eagles Dare and Platoon completed the top ten.

Other films to feature in the poll include The Dirty Dozen, Kelly's Heroes, The Pianist and Lawrence of Arabia.

Colonel Gibson added: ''Watching War Movies can bring out mixed emotions in everyone - nostalgia, sadness and a huge respect for everyone who has ever fought in a war.

''We are asking people to watch one of these wonderful films which will hopefully be a reminder of the sacrifices that our fellow countrymen and women made - and are still making and ultimately inspire them to help Erskine by making a donation.

''It is to be hoped that films of the future will honour the brave men and women of today's conflicts and peace keeping initiatives both in Iraq and Afghanistan, who are once again putting their lives on the line for their country.''

Great Escape Veteran Jack Harrison, RAF, aged 96 said: ''The Great Escape film had good background but the character played by Steve McQueen didn't exist. I think he must have been created for the Box Office takings in America.

''We did have Americans in the camp, they helped us with the tunnel called Harry but they were shifted out to another camp before the escape began.

''I am pleased that the film came second in the survey and that our efforts during WWII are appreciated to this day.''

GREATEST WAR MOVIES

1. Schindler's List (1993)

2. The Great Escape (1963)

3. Saving Private Ryan (1998)

4. Enemy at the Gates (2001)

5. Braveheart (1995)

6. Apocalypse Now (1979)

7. Gone with the Wind (1939)

8. The Bridge on the River Kwai (1957)

9. Where Eagles Dare (1968)

10. Platoon (1986)

11. The Dirty Dozen (1967)

12. The Longest Day (1962)

13. Escape to Victory (1981)

14. Black Hawk Down (2001)

15. Memphis Belle (1990)

16. The Deer Hunter (1978 )

17. Kelly's Heroes (1970)

18. Full Metal Jacket (1987)

19. The Pianist (2002)

20. Lawrence of Arabia (1962)

ENDS

When The Chips Are Down...

2009-04-15T02:23:00.000-07:00

... Take up a hellish, corporate cash-pile to say "Yay" or "Nay" to some bullshit, sub-sub-sub-Hoxton art-wankery brought to you by Wrigleys. Yes, Wrigleys, the chewing gum people. We have reached a stage in our development where the people who make the single most useless, disposable product imaginable are telling us who is "cool" and who, by the same token, isn't. Does that make you want to be dead a little bit more than you did before? It certainly does for this LiS reporter situated in postcode where I once met Girls Aloud. True story.

Hello LiS. This is a disastrous corporate tie-up in which the Wrigley company has tried to make chewing gum "cool" by giving a briefcase of crisp tenners to "style" magazine Vice and last year's electropop favourites, Hot Chip. The end result is everyone looks grubby.

My favourite quote:
"...let Hot Chip, whose name alone suitably conjures up touch and taste, decide whether you’ll be supporting them on the night." And then there's the whole "Sense5" conceit. Oh Jesus...

---------- Forwarded message ----------
From: Cherrill, Tom (LDN-GHI) [TCherrill@golinharris.com]
Subject: Hot Chip join VICE in the search for groundbreaking talent to curate Creating Sense5

Musician, Mixologist, Designer, Artist, DJ or Photographer?

VICE magazine, known as ‘the coolest in the world’ HAHAHAHAHAHA!, has today launched a competition to find five creative talents for The Creating Sense5 party – with award winning band Hot Chip selecting the winning talent and curating the gig.

To mark the arrival of 5, VICE are looking for creative genius in any form including mixologists, designers, photographers, artists – anything, like the gum PRODUCT PLUG!, that intrigues and exhilarates the senses.

Enter the competition and you could be (TRANS: WON'T BE) personally chosen by Hot Chip and other optimally attuned BRILLIANT experts, to show off your talent at an exclusive event on the 4th of June. Creating Sense5 will be a launch packed full of exactly the right people who should see it; Hot Chip, VICE, the media (TRANS: DRUNKS), and a sensorially inquisitive crowd.

5 takes inspiration from the human senses and so the competition hopes to uncover creative talent that can cleverly stimulate them with flair, imagination and individuality RIGHT.

And if you’re in a band, are a mixing marvel or a lone-vocalist enter now and let Hot Chip, whose name alone suitably conjures up touch and taste, decide whether you’ll be supporting them on the night. Hot Chip will be performing a very special DJ Set and they’ve even invited some special guests to appear as well (to be revealed TRANS: THEY HAVEN'T EVEN THOUGHT ABOUT IT YET).

So what’s your idea for the event? Do you want to build a pitch-black Velcro cocoon to explore touch? NO! THAT WOULD BE AWFUL! Go for it! Do you have an oyster and pea ice-cream recipe? NO! THAT WOULD BE AWFUL! Let’s taste it! Do you want to compose a digital-punk sound experience with lasers? NO! THAT WOULD BE AWFUL! Let’s hear it!

Alongside Hot Chip, VICE has secured an incredible line up of optimally attuned experts OH, SHUT UP WITH THIS CRAP to sit on the Creating Sense5 panel and turn on their titillated nerve endings EH? to judge your work. From award winning video director to a duo who make cocktails out of architecture, the panel selecting the winners are Bompas and Parr WHO? (smell), Nova Dando WHO? (touch), Kinga Burza LIKE BURGER KING? (sight), Rachel Edward Stuart WHO? (taste) and of course Hot Chip (sound). The five winners will be given a huge promotional leg-up as they show off their creations and skills at the coolest event of the year THAT'S SPONSORED BY THE PEOPLE WHO MAKE CHEWING GUM.

The first 15 entries will also receive free tickets to Creating Sense5, and if you have no such talents but want to come along to see Hot Chip, and bask in the sensorial melting pot SHUT UP ALREADY they will be curating with VICE and 5, there are loads of tickets up for grabs too.

So what’s 5 all about? The new premium gum PREMIUM GUM! from Wrigley takes inspiration from the five human senses and, through its unique mouth-watering and long-lasting flavours, delivers a full and intriguing sensorial experience I HOPE THEY'RE PAYING YOU WELL FOR THIS CRAP. 5 gum distinguishes itself from other brands with its unique sleek black design, minimalist pack style and bold communications HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! *breathes* HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!, and will be introduced in three flavours from June: a cooling peppermint flavour COBALT™, a crisp tropical flavour PULSE™ and a tingling spearmint flavour ELECTRO™ GREAT NAMES!

Ends

Keeping Abreast Of Events

2009-04-07T04:50:00.000-07:00

This just in from an LiS reporter in the field.

This genuinely made me laugh and laugh. I love how he gets all over-excited and misspells that brilliantly awful pun as soon as the release starts. But also, this is a great example of a terrible pseudo-news release pretending to be urgent and in fact being entirely relevance-free. (And when I received it the whole thing was in like 20 point as if it were SHOUTING.)

But then again - haha! Buffwaffe! Hahaha! Then again, Muffwaffe would have been funnier.

---------- Forwarded message ----------
From: Johnny Beverton [Outpost]
Subject: TITSKRIEG! GERMAN NUDISTS THREATEN TO BARE ALL AT SOME FESTIVAL

TIKTSRIEG! oh dear GERMAN NUDISTS THREATEN TO BARE ALL AT SOME FESTIVAL

SOME Festival is currently seeking legal advice regarding the proposed attendance of 30 nudist ravers from Berlin who have contacted the festival via a link on the new website. Festival Director BLOKE'S NAME said: ‘I think it all started two years ago when we had a guy from San Francisco stark naked and painted purple from head to toe cavorting round the festival all weekend. At one point he was picked up by security, but we had him released as he was actually quite entertaining and a really nice bloke.”

The man BLOKE refers to also attended last year’s Festival but was this time painted orange. YES, YES, GET ON WITH IT NOW. When he arrived on site he was given a hero’s welcome by the Festival crowd and it seems that somehow the word has since reached Germany that SOME FESTIVAL is sympathetic to nudists. OK - HERE WE GO THEN...

The group of nudist ravers who have got in touch with SOME Festival regarding their attendance attend selected summer dance events in Germany including the BLAH Festival, where, apparently, a liberal attitude towards public nudity exists. ‘We are not too sure what to do to be honest’ said BLOKE. ‘I asked them if they would be prepared to wear fig leaves or something and even explained that it can get chilly in England in the summer, and that THIS IS RUBBISH, BUT KEEP GOING ANYWAY maybe, at least the guys amongst them might be happy to cover up their shortcomings, but they said it was out of the question as it would compromise their right to party naked. I told them they could probably get away with it provided they all paint themselves different colours and don’t hassle anybody.’

SOME Festival are all up for people letting their freak flag out, after all, that’s what the SOME Festival is all about at the end of the day YEAH, SURE. TRY SELLING DRUGS OR TAKING IN YOUR OWN ALCOHOL OR HAVING SEX IN THE OPEN TO SEE HOW KEEN THEY REALLY ARE ON YOU LETTING YOUR "FREAK FLAG FLY".. Ideas being bounced include creating a nudist enclosure and calling it Buffwaffe.

SOME Festival lawyers are looking into the legal connotations of knowingly allowing a group of people to commit mass indecent exposure at a ticketed event. YEAH, I BET.

SOME won Best Dance Festival at last year’s BLAHBLAH Awards and is a 10,000 capacity event, visited by dance music and free spirited aficionados from around the world (IE TWATS). SOME is known as one of Europe’s best underground electronic festivals and will blahblahblahlblahblah....[sniiiippp]

How Television Works: 1

2009-04-01T00:35:00.000-07:00

This just in from a senior LiS reporter working out there on the front line. If you had even just a shred of respect left for the 7 or 8 poor bastards left working at ITV, then you might find this a bit upsetting. If you don't, then you'll love it.

Good afternoon. Below is something truly terrible, from one of the UK’s most massive entertainment brands. Just awful. But I suppose if you were a flack then you might just be interested – in return of course for “the possibility that your product may get caught on camera!!”

Please - just kill me now? Exclamation point times two.

Helmet Cool

2009-04-01T00:28:00.000-07:00

Remember when you couldn't open a newspaper without reading about Natasha Richardson? This was sent to me then, but I was disgracefully slow in dealing with it. But, rather like the Cameron / Halliday email, this seems to show that, on hearing of a newsworthy death, a PR's first, perhaps only, concern is to flog product. It sort of makes you a little bit sick, doesn't it?

Severed Samurais

2009-03-20T02:54:00.000-07:00

This just in from a Senior LiS reporter:

Staggering.

FWD MESSAGE--------------
From: Thomas Antoniw [Thomas.Antoniw@mischiefpr.com]
Date: 18 March 2009 18:45:59 GMT

Subject: RE: Severed arms placed around UK cities to launch the most violent video game in history

Hi

I hope you are well.

To launch what is tipped to be the most violent video game in history; MADWORLD by SEGA, we’re placing hundreds of severed arms around UK cities on Thursday 19th and Friday 20th March.

Please do not hesitate to contact me should you require any further information.

Kind regards,
Tom

ULTRA VIOLENT VIDEO GAME Wii FANS WILL GIVE THEIR RIGHT ARM FOR

Hundreds of severed arms have been placed around UK cities today to mark the launch of a new computer game tipped to be the most violent ever.

MADWORLD, a black and white alternative world where citizens must kill one another to survive, is being exclusively released on the Nintendo Wii console and will transform its “family-friendly” image.

Players use the Wii remote to guide Jack, the game’s chainsaw-wielding protagonist, through a virtual city executing other residents by slashing and impaling as he goes. The game is made entirely in black and white with the only other colour being crimson red - when blood is frequently spilt.

The severed arms were first spotted around central London yesterday, clutching copies of MADWORLD in random locations such as Tower Bridge and a litter bin in Carnaby Street.

The game, published by SEGA, has already caused controversy in the US with parent groups calling for a ban, whereas in the UK it has only just scraped through the BBFC with an 18 rating.

Fay Burgin, PR Manager at SEGA, said: “Although MADWORLD is a violent game, this is carried out with irreverent humour and distinct comic-book styling. The over-the-top action is set to deliver a unique gaming experience for adult gamers; currently missing on the Wii console.

“SEGA is delighted to be leading the way with adult games for the Wii, and we are sure that gaming fans will see it as a breath of fresh air.”

- Ends -

Taking Libertines

2009-03-17T10:01:00.001-07:00

This is a stone-cold classic. I'm saying no more, just read on (unless you're middle class and/or from London). Thanks to the LiS reporter who has just sent this in...

I honestly don't really know where to start. The grammar? The way capital letters are just chucked IN? The un-verifiable, self-aggrandising claims: "Number 1 Talent Music Booking Agency in the North East/UK" O RLY? Says who?

Perhaps my favourite bit is the gloriously childish "RULES FOR BANDS / RULES FOR PUBS" - then again, maybe it's all of it? How can any serious person put their name to this sort of crapola? Thinking about it, it's this pidgin press release that takes the prize for unimagainable awfulness. Who wrote it? Why didn't someone stop them?

This eager curiosity music form WHAT? the Midlands are one of the best bands i have heard from the local music scene in Newcastle EH?, and are one of the best bands i have on my books who are in the over 18 category WHAT?, they are truly talented with great melody,s EH? and clever lyrical abilities, and catchy indie tunes, what sets this band apart from every one else out there is there WHAT? amazing vocal abilities, great professional sounding singers..

they look the part for the indie scene, with a good image and have amazing charisma with a magnetic stage presence, which many bands lack.. this band have it all, and will go all the way, we have interest from London labels already WHAT?... this band wont ever give up until they get a record deal EH?... and within time they will get one, if they stay committed.. i liken them to bands like cold play WHO?, kean WHO? and the like...

there middle class roots are what will get this band noticed in London AMAZING!....there EH? songs are well thought out with correct musical timing (PAUSE) WHAT?, they never rush through a song like some bands, their timing and beat is spot on, there vocals are outstanding EH?, very operatic WHAT?, and technical abilities are truly superb, there EH? guitar and riffs and experience in instruments are highly professional , and there WHAT? piano expertise make this band an upper crust band for the professional music scene WHAT?

they are by no way an average amature EH? band just doing gigs in the local scene, and are allot WHAT? more in line for a record deal and higher status within the music industry.. they have the real talent, which is what,s EH? needed for a label to sign them up. I have never believed more in a band than i do with these lads...

LEAVE THE SPEED ALONE PAL, IT'S MAKING YOU CRAZY.

Who's For Some Ramshackle Grunge With Noir Phraseology?

2009-03-12T11:19:00.000-07:00

There are too many bands. There are too many magazines. Any business that can support itself by having people write horseshit like, "lush with 60’s accents and drizzled with noir phraseology" is a business that need to be burnt down and the space left behind requisitioned for a statue of a weeping parrot or something equally worthwhile. What, pray tell, is a "60's accent"? Do you mean that this band sound a bit like, oh dear, they're from the 60s? Oh please, please, please, please, please make it stop. We don't need anymore, "blitzing folk grunge", or "crooked melodies", or "skronky guitar pop" or any of that stuff. We're full now! Over full, in fact. Pretty much sick to our stomachs! Anyway, thanks to a senior LiS operative who sent this in from the field:

"A cover of Dead Kennedys' Holiday In Cambodia which sparks a stage invasion."

A stage invasion. At Norwich Puppet Theatre.

Jesus wept...

Begin forwarded message:
From: "Matthew Grundy" [matthew@plummusic.com]
Date: 11 March 2009 17:05:12 GMT
Subject: The Woe Betides NME review

Hi there, just to let you know that my new band, The Woe Betides, scored a glowing live review in the NME last week, being described us as "deft puppet-masters of indie". I've attached it in all it's glory for your viewing pleasure.

We've just come to the end of the tour for the release of our debut EP 'Play Dead' (Songs in the Dark), and are preparing for the online release in April. Please have a listen to the band at www.myspace.com/thewoebetides and let me know if you'd like to find out more about us!

Some of my favourite reviews over the last few months:

"Four ramshackle tidbits of skronky guitar pop. Resolutely lo-fi, DIY, rough around the edges and all the better for it" (Artrocker)

"Agreeably grungey and off-kilter folk-pop duo... suggesting both Simon & Garfunkel and Josh Homme's Desert Sessions." (Time Out)

"The Woe Betides spin wonderfully blister like crooked melodies that hush, stir and pounce into animation without warning, lush with 60’s accents and drizzled with noir phraseology." (Losing Today Magazine)

"Blitzing folk grunge. These voices were made for those guitars, those melodies and those handclaps... woe betide anyone who doesn't play dead." (CMU Music Network)

"A strong sense of drama... asymmetrical folk-pop with unexpected structures and complex arrangements... ‘Boredom is the Killer’ is a fine piece of Brian Eno-style artrock" (SoundsXP)

The BullShitts

2009-03-03T06:52:00.001-08:00

This is the sort of press release that made us want to start this blog in the first place as it is both inane and pretentious, not an easy trick to pull off. It also makes the band sound like absolute pillocks. Of course, there's a very high chance the band are absolute pillocks - they wouldn't be the first - but their own press people should at least try to lessen that effect, not highlight it, surely? Many thanks to the senior LiS reporter who sent this in with these notes attached:

1) You mean the charge could be levelled, no? Or do you? The sentence is so poorly constructed I can't make it out.
2) You can't be a muse and a band member. That's not how it works.
3) You are either a soprano with a specific vocal range or you are not. You cannot be "Soprano style". And the rest of that sentence is so wrong I can't even begin to think about untangling it.
4) Why suddenly make it "The Bullitts"?
5) Shut it.

The Blank Generalisations

2009-03-03T06:30:00.000-08:00

This just in via well-shod courier:

Hello LiS. I was going to send this to you just because it's a monumentally lazy piece of crap that can't even be bothered to add a name. Then I read the last sentence. Oh dear...

Begin forwarded message:

From: Dan Walsh [dan.walsh@incubator-uk.com]
Date: 2 March 2009 12:30:29 GMT
Subject: Total Film's 20 Most Underrated Films of all time

Dear

TotalBALL’S 20 Most Underrated Films of all time

TotalBALL'S.com has polled its readers via the official website and Twitter feeds AMAZING TWITTERTRONICS! and can unveil their 20 most underrated films of all time.

A full press release is attached. The results will go live on the site tomorrow morning. Please let me know if you’d like to sue this.

Thanks,
Dan
Dan Walsh
INCUBATOR
E: dan.walsh@incubator-uk.com
A: 19 CATHERINE PLACE | LONDON | SW1E 6DX
http://www.incubator-uk.com

Grot Milk?

2009-03-03T06:24:00.001-08:00

So, there's a "sexy pregnancy and nursing lingerie brand" now? Christ. Couldn't we at least allow women to feed their newborns without expecting to dress up for it in a "sexy" way? Are we now that perverse? Is, oh dear, nothing sacred? Thanks to a long-serving and highly respected LiS operative for this. Shame on you, HOTmilk (the name actually makes me feel unwell, I imagine this is because I'm a sexist pig or something).

That Cameron / Halliday Email In Full

2009-02-26T23:34:00.000-08:00

It's all very well us sitting here being rude about illiterate PR wonks trying to talk up rubbish pop groups and horrible hotel chains, but sometimes we get an email that stops us in our tracks and go, 'Jesus. Bill Hicks was right. These bastards really are trying to put a dollar sign on everything.' And so it was with this email we were sent from a senior LiS reporter. The story is this - a publisher has a book about child bereavement. A very well-known couple lose their first born child. Publisher smells opportunity and tries to hoik book to press. A few hours later a second email arrives - apologising profusely for the first. But, that's all a bit late, isn't it? Even if Halliday did sack the person responsible - and no names are given - it is still a place that employed people who thought it might be a good idea to punt a "soft tie-in" to one of their products as soon as they heard about the death of a profoundly disabled little boy. It's actually a bit sick-making. Anyway, this from our reporter on the scene:

Further to your Jade Goody story, it's worth noting the utter crassness of this press release, sent on the evening of the death of David Cameron's son. Complete and utter ineptitude.

Please also mention that it was followed up two hours later with a horrified email from the publisher, saying that this idiot had been suspended and offering full apologies. Credit should be given for that.

THAT RETRACTION EMAIL

From: HallidayBooks [mailto:info@hallidaybooks.com]
Sent: 25 February 2009 21:45
To: Media List
Subject: Apology and retraction

To whom it may concern

It has been bought to my attention that on the evening of Wednesday 25th February you were sent an email by a member of my staff regarding our children’s book The Lonely Tree in connection with the sad news of the passing of David Cameron’s son. The individual concerned took it upon themselves to issue this email without consultation with any member of staff.

As Director of HallidayBooks I accept full responsibility and offer you sincere apologies and a retraction both personally and on behalf of the company for the message and any offence it may have caused.

Any recipient who requested their details be removed from our database will have their request honoured.

The individual has been suspended and action will be taken in due course. However, if you require more information regarding this matter or would like to take it further please contact me direct making your emails for my attention or by calling 01296-426671. All correspondence will be treated in the strictest confidence.

Sincerely yours

Nicholas Halliday
MD HallidayBooks
_____________________

Cancer Shtick

2009-02-24T01:24:00.000-08:00

For the good people at Getting Personal PR there's no event they wouldn't try and attach their grim tat too - no matter how sad or unseemly. Whatever you might think of Jade Goody - whatever you might think of what she's doing - the fact remains this is a young woman who's about to die and leave two children without a mother. Still! Never mind, eh? How about an edible G-String to nibble on! Thanks to the LiS reader who sent this is - and I'm sorry you were unlucky enough to receive it.

Eating Rifles

2009-02-20T02:06:00.000-08:00

What do we want? "Real" music! When do we want it? Not yet, maybe in a bit! Real music? You can stick "real" music right up your whatsit. Just the idea of it makes me want to throw myself out of a window. No music is "real", it's all made up, it's all confection and artistry and smoke and mirrors and, basically, lying. That's what makes it good (the stuff that is good, a lot of it is rubbish, but that's not related to it's "real"ness). Anyway, this just in from an LiS operative in the field.

I quite like The Rifles. I might even go and see them again. But sadly I am on a gluten-free diet, so will have to give them up as this press release suggests they are glutens for punishment. Awful, yes. But not as awful as the rest of this.

"The Rifles musical heroin" isn't a sentence. Is it too much to ask of Momentum PR that they might be able to type the quotes in correctly?

Also, this press release was sent to me on February 16, telling me the album is out January 26 and that I can pre-order it by buying tickets.

Erk.

FWD MESSAGE_____
From: Nola Kinna [mailto:nola@momentumpr.co.uk]
Sent: 16 February 2009 12:47
To: undisclosed-recipients:
Subject: **THE RIFLES - NEW UK TOUR DATES**

ANNOUNCE March 2009 UK TOUR

“There's an intoxicating maturity...that is harder to ignore the second time around” Q

“Punk-tinged ska which also packs heartfelt pop hooks” The Sun

“The Rifles are here to pop the collars on your metaphorical Harrington” The Word

“As anthemic as anything the Jam put their name to.” Clash

“All stomping , pedal to the metal guitar riffs. The Rifles musical heroin – Loaded

As the dust finally settles over the UK, the extent of the damage caused by a colossal 40 date Rifles tour is felt throughout. Sweat, blood, tears shed for the cause! As if gluten GLUTEN! AMAZING! for punishment, the East London regiment are preparing to mobilise for a further March 09 tour, determined to storm the national consciousness and plant a flag for real music. OH BRILLIANT!

If Sold Out shows at venues like Brixton Academy or the release of an exhilarating second album, ‘Great Escape’ aren’t victories enough, try this boot on for size LITERALLY TERRIBLE WRITING THERE. The Rifles are offering fans the opportunity to pre-order ‘Great Escape’ out 26th January for a discounted price, when they purchase tickets for any of the live shows available at www.therifles.net.

For further information please contact Nola Kinna at Momentum PR on BLAHBLAHBLAH

Cut And Paste In Haste Horror

2009-02-17T09:05:00.000-08:00

This just in from a senior LiS reporter situated somewhere nice.

Note to Will McCarthy - not everything you write needs to make it in to the press release. End of Page 2 - Fail :(

Pelican: Cross-Making

2009-02-10T00:09:00.000-08:00

There are two major problems with bands. One: there's way too many of them. Two: Almost none of them are anything like as good as they - and their paid-for fans in the press department - think they are. In this instance, Pelican. For a start, that's a terrible name. For another start, who, in all honesty, feels their heart beat just that little bit faster when they learn that the 'Can are part of Chicago's instrumental heavy-rock "scene"? Shall I tell you? No one at all. I worked in a record shop that stocked these sort of records for a few years and I can promise you no one cares. They are records only "loved" by people who get their records for nothing, so the albums just die in the racks, dusty and unloved, before being slung into the bargain bin to suffer some more. And how can you be "genre-defying" and still "fit right at home alongside similar bands"? How does that work, exactly?

------ Forwarded Message
From: Southern Records Promo
Date: Mon, 09 Feb 2009 18:14:22 +0000
To: undisclosed-recipients
Subject: News flash - Pelican sign to Southern Lord

It is with immense reverence REVERENCE, JESUS! that Southern Lord Recordings announces the signing of Chicago heavy-rock instrumental icons *Pelican*. Their genre-defying sound and eagerness to explore new musical directions will fit right at home alongside similar bands on the label like Earth, Boris and sunn 0))). Pelican is currently at Red Room studios in Seattle, recording an EP that will be their first release on Southern Lord. The new material promises to be heavier, darker and very "riff-oriented" GREAT! comments guitarist Trevor De Brauw. A very special guest guitarist who has been heavily influential to the band will be making a guest appearance more details to be revealed shortly AMAZING!

In March Pelican will be touring alongside new label mates Wolves In The Throne Room in the US including a triumphant return to the South By South West music fest IT'S, LITERALLY, A "FEST"! in Austin, TX at the Southern Lord showcase. Upon returning home Pelican will focus their sights on their fourth full-length album. Fingers crossed for a UK tour!!! INNIT!

Thanks for your time,
Lauren Barley
UK/European PR coordinator
Southern Records

You're Aviv A Laugh, No?

2009-02-06T06:06:00.000-08:00

Apologies, been a bit side-tracked this week and this has languished in my inbox for a week or so. What can I say? I'm a bad person. Now, I have no doubt that Aviv Geffen really is a "compassionate human being", but what, precisely, does that bring to a press release? Why mention it? What is it exactly that you're trying to say? Is it that you think that we don't think Geffen is compassionate and you're attempting to put us right? Or is it that, compared to a lot of other people, Geffen is demonstrably more compassionate? And does that mean we should think more seriously about buying his records? Only, and I don't wish to be unkind here, they're not terribly good, are they?

Anyway - thanks for getting in touch! When I pitch that feature about artists who are definitely more compassionate than other artists I'll make sure your man's right at the top of my list!

---------- Forwarded message ----------
From: Grace Wood [digital@lilaclondon.com]
Subject: **AVIV GEFFEN - INFAMOUS ISRAELI ARTIST PLAYS UK LIVE DATE THIS WEEK ON HOLOCAUST MEMORIAL DAY**

*AVIV GEFFEN *

'the most powerful name in Israel's entertainment industry'

Visionary artist AMAZING! and compassionate human being DOUBLE AMAZING! Aviv Geffen is a super star SHE MEANS "SUPERSTAR" in his home SHE MEANS "HOME COUNTRY" of Israel where he outsells and often outshines, Madonna, U2 and Coldplay, yet he remains deeply connected to progression and peace, whilst an army of loyal fans have helped him reach worldwide sales of over 2.5 million. BRILLIANT SENTENCE STRUCTURE - THANKS!

His first song released in 1993 the controversial 'Cloudy Now' – which has since become his anthem – rebelliously featuring the F-word and was banned from Israeli radio, yet such was his appeal that it topped the charts. THIS BUT DOESN'T MAKE ANY SENSE, BUT LET'S NOT WORRY ABOUT THAT, RIGHT? Two years later he publically SHE MEANS "PUBLICLY" made peace with politician Yitzhak Rabin at a political rally after singing 'Cry for You' and moments later Rabin was tragically assassinated. This has never deterred his hopeful spirit and Geffen continues to make hits, sell out 40,000 seater concerts and his female fanbase swells with young teenage women drawn to his sharp and quirky David Bowie-esque style, and his conscious and thought provoking lyrics. WELL, THAT'S "FEMALE"S, RIGHT? THEY CAN'T HELP THEMSELVES!

Aviv Geffen is not only the most iconic singer-songwriter and rock/pop superstar in his native Israel, but he is also one of its most significant and controversial voices. As Israel's answer to our Robbie or Noel THAT GOOD, REALLY?, he is, according to Forbes magazine, 'the most powerful name in Israel's entertainment industry'. Born into one of Israel's most prestigious families, Aviv first began to challenge authority at an early age. By 16 years old, he became the first person in Israel's history to refuse to do national service THIS BIT IS ACTUALLY BULLSHIT and this revolutionary move inspired Aviv's like minded young BLAHBLAHBLAH.

Now a man in his early thirties with all the homeland success he could dream of tucked under his belt GREAT WRITING!, he's approaching a whole new audience, the Europeans I LOVE EUROPEANS!. Geffen has been recording his first English language album with super producer Trevor Horn, the Grammy Award winning man behind luminary acts I LOVE LUMINARY ACTS! like; GREAT PUNCTUATION! Grace Jones, Seal, Tina Turner, Paul McCartney, Simple Minds, Mike Oldfield, Marc Almond, and Belle & YEAH, WEVZ.

Quote Me Unhappy

2009-02-03T01:46:00.000-08:00

One of my real - real - pet hates is PRs going on about "FREE BOOZE AND FOOD" like that was reason enough to suffer some arse-achingly bad group / singer / performance / play / gallery opening or whatever. I am an adult with a variety of interesting jobs and, consequently, I can afford all the booze and food I need. If you want to waste your evenings hammering warm white wine while looking over your shoulder and wondering if the Rolling Rock has run out yet as some halitoidal lick-spittle in a bad suit shouts in your ear about potential sales figures, then, please, go ahead. But leave me out of it.
*Breathes*
Anyway - this just in from a LiS reporter situated by a dramatic sweep in one of our leading rivers:

It was Transvision Vamp who said "I don't care"

Begin forwarded message:

From: "Tom Green" [Tom@zestpr.com]
Date: 2 February 2009 17:23:35 GMT
Subject: Your invite to Ben Montague's media showcase on Tuesday 17th Feb at the 229 Club - Please RSVP

Hi MEDIA PERSONAGE NAME REMOVED

It was Eminem who said “Look, if you had one shot, or one opportunity to seize everything you ever wanted – one moment. Would you capture it or just let it slip?”

These words must have rung true with singer songwriter Ben Montague YES, YOU'RE RIGHT THEY MUST HAVE DONE - THIS IS A GOOD START, KEEP GOING! who, after discovering that Formula 1 boss Eddie Jordan was one of his fans, found himself rubbing shoulders GREAT PHRASE! with A-listers galore AGAIN WITH THE PHRASES! at one of his infamous Grand Prix parties. Following an impromptu collaboration by none other than Queen’s Roger Taylor and Pink Floyd’s Nick Mason TWO DRUMMERS! BRILLIANT! the question was put to the crowd “Are there any musicians in the house?” WELL, NOT THOSE TWO, OBV.

With nothing to lose and everything to gain Ben took to the stage, discussed a brief set list and delivered the performance of his life flanked by two of music’s biggest legends. Half an hour, and a standing ovation later, a star was born THIS IS AMAZING STUFF - HOW CAN I HEAR THIS GUY?!

Ben Montague invites you to his media showcase HURRAY! on BLAHBLAHBLAH February at BLAHBLAHBLAHBLAHBLAH (on stage at BLAHpm).

For press passes to any of his gigs or if you want to receive a copy of his debut EP BLAH BLAH BLAH then please get in contact.

Thanks,

Tom Green
Account Manager (Zest PR)

PS: If you want some FREE BOOZE AND FOOD to warm your cockles in all this snow then BLAH showcase is tomorrow night. The Electro Indie rockers (who have just flown in from Ireland after supporting Blah - WOW! THEY'VE BEEN ON A PLANE!) will take to the Blah (Blah Street) Stage at Blahpm – get there for Blahpm to make the most of the free booze and grub! IF YOU ARE A TRAMP WITH NOTHING BETTER TO DO, YES

Needs / Must

2009-01-30T09:08:00.000-08:00

Have you taken care of your basic needs today? Eating, perhaps a glass of water, maybe a quick trip to the lavatory? Oh, and a five-star mini-break with kid's club, whirlpool bath, Aveda spa and Michelin-rated chef, natch. This just in from one of our most senior reporters:

Tell me this. Do people really have leisure "needs"?

Begin forwarded message:
From: "Lewis Miles" [LMiles@resonate.uk.com]
Date: 28 January 2009 10:52:04 GMT
Subject: New Data Reveals Recession is Changing British Leisure, Travel and Wellbeing needs

Hi
Please find below a media alert MEDIA ALERT! MEDIA ALERT! on a comprehensive new report into British Leisure, Travel and Wellbeing needs between December 2007 and December 2008, being launched on Monday 2nd Feb. I CANNOT WAIT!

For a full copy of the report, please contact blahblahblahblahblah...

***EMBARGOED UNTIL 00:01 ON MONDAY FEBRUARY 2ND 2009***
New Data Reveals Recession is Changing British Leisure, Travel and Wellbeing needs
LONDON, 2nd February 2009 - TODAY Directory Enquiries service, BLAHBLAH, has released new call statistics for major lifestyle categories that reveal a serious shift in priorities and needs comparing December 2008 with December 2007. The report provides fresh evidence of the emerging recession, and how it is changing the outlook of a nation.

Example report findings
Calls for drinks deliveries to homes rise 66% and satellite TV installation 462% as staying in wins over going out.
* The crunch is shaping our national eating habits - only pizza delivery rises significantly (22%) as other restaurants and takeaways fall
* Enquiries for motorhomes grows 121% as Britons reveal their domestic UK holiday preferences
* Calls for masseurs rocketed by 80% as Britons seek hands-on stress relief HHRRRNNNKKKK - I BET THEY BLOODY DO MADAM
The report draws on the UK’s largest directory database of over 20 million calls received by BLAHBLAH in the two months, categorised by business or service category.

The call data covers all major British lifestyle areas, focusing on substantial OH JUST KILL ME NOW AND BE DONE WITH IT :(

Terrible News Just In

2009-01-30T08:15:00.000-08:00

First John Updike, now this? :(

SATIRED AND EMOTIONAL

2009-01-27T04:20:00.000-08:00

You know you get those days when you literally hate all music and bands and people in bands and people that talk about bands and people who follow bands and venues where bands play and the cars that bands drive and the food that bands eat and the shoes that bands wear and the magazines that bands read and the hair products bands use and the words bands say and, indeed, the air that bands breathe? I'm having one of those days. So is this revered LiS reporter situated near one of the world's major up-market shopping "experiences". Take it away, soldier:

One of the best things about the English language is how words change their meaning over time. Thanks to this exciting press release about a band, I now know that both "infiltrated" and "hijacked" means: To have an advertisement paid for by your record company in a tedious attempt to promote a single you describe as "satirical". Interestingly, I can think of a more appropriate and slightly shorter "s" word for it.

Begin forwarded message:
From: "Sarah Maynard" [sarah@divisionpromotions.com]
Date: 26 January 2009 17:04:48 GMT
Subject: IPS / Celeb Big Brother / Apple Store / Etc...

Hi,

I just thought you might like to check out the new video from innerpartysystem in light of their antics I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT THESE "ANTICS" WERE on Friday night. The band infiltrated DID THEY? the C4 Celeb Big Brother mini-site with ads for a fake celebrity reality show OH GOD - AMAZING, highlighting their satirical OH BLOODY GOD forthcoming single "TITLE DELETED" which berates celeb culture WHERE DO THEY GET THESE IDEAS! Check out the screen shots attached.

Hopefully you received the single ok SHE MEANS "OK". It’d be great if you could consider for review when it’s released on BLAHBLAH. It’s currently on playlist at Radio 1, NME TV and MTV2 to name but a few.

Thanks muchly THANKS MUCHLY!? ZOMG!!11!!!,
Sx

INNERPARTYSYSTEM INFILTRATE CELEB BIG BROTHER SITE ON NIGHT OF FINAL SPECIAL PERFORMANCE - APPLE STORE, REGENT STREET ON blahblahblah at blahblah
SINGLE ‘title deleted’ RELEASED ON blahblahblah

Innerpartysystem’s anti-anthem for celeb culture ‘TITLE DELETED’ has captured the imaginations of people across the UK NO IT HASN'T YOU LYING LIAR! and in a further bid to ridicule the media’s fascination with all things celebrity WELL QUITE, SOMEONE NEEDS TO HAVE A GO AT THESE BASTARDS the band hijacked DID THEY? DID THEY REALLY? the Celebrity Big Brother website on the night of its much-publicised Final last Friday. ZOMG!!11!! The intriguing POINT OF ORDER: NO ONE WAS INTRIGUED placement on the web page linked people through to a rather unique video blog, as well as the latest music video from the blahblahblahblah KILL ME NOW!

Sarah Maynard
Division Media blahblahblah

How's That Great Photo Shoot Working Out For You?

2009-01-26T06:27:00.000-08:00

Dear LiS
This picture of jazz chantoose Lea Delaria just landed in my inbox. I know (because I just read it) that Delaria is, "by no means an artist content with remaining static" (because all the rest of them are, right?), but I'm still not convinced that the moustache-finger tattoo is a great look even for a "chick singer with balls" (trans: oh, forget it, we all know what that means)...

My Ears Are Light To Yet More Bad PR

2009-01-21T01:07:00.000-08:00

This just in from a senior LiS reporter embedded within a frontline fighting unit (I particularly enjoyed the running commentary):

The Future's Trite

2009-01-19T01:56:00.000-08:00

Quick! A band you've never heard of have done something you don't care about! What a surprise to see Alan McGee popping up - he signed Oasis, you know! - in this tiny masterpiece of invented shockery. The fact he signed this band five years ago but this is the first time they've ever passed through your consciousness says a lot, doesn't it? I presume he dropped them in the mean-time, which is a tiny point in his favour, I suppose...

Andrew Future?!!! What is this? The facking eighties? Give him a fifteen month sentence says I!

-----Original Message-----
From: ateacher@bpf.org.uk
Sent: Sat, 17 Jan 2009 7:01 pm
Subject: REBELLION AS BAND OUTSELLING KINGS OF LEON, COLDPLAY IS BARRED FROM CHARTS

For immediate release - Sunday January 18
REBELLION AS BAND OUTSELLING KINGS OF LEON, COLDPLAY IS BARRED FROM CHARTS

The Official UK Chart Company has been slammed SLAMMED! IT HAS! for refusing to include The Boxer Rebellion's new album even though they’re outselling Kings Of Leon, MGMT and Coldplay on the US version of iTunes.

The album is currently at Number One in the iTunes US Alternative Chart and Number Four in the iTunes UK Album Chart.

Despite being a self-released effort with no record label or press, 'Union' has been refused entry into the Official UK Charts today - because the band have only released the album digitally.

The success of ‘Union’, which was released on 11 January is finally seeing them live up to the hype they initially built up when Alan McGee, who discovered Oasis, signed them to his Poptones label five years ago. FIVE YEARS! Lead single 'Evacuate' is a depth-charging rocker I LOVE "DEPTH-CHARGING ROCKER"S! mixing the finest elements of Interpol and early-Oasis. It wowed fans across Europe where The Boxer Rebellion toured as support act for Editors last year. AMAZING DETAIL!

Fans on the Boxer Rebellion messageboard have been campaigning to get the rules changed.

A band statement said: "This is a completely independent release and with no label backing, no finance, no radio play and no press in the UK. We have, with the support of (and a massive gamble taken by) iTunes, managed to break through and chart very highly in the iTunes stores so far.

"This basically means that The Boxer Rebellion will not see benefit from this success in terms of a chart position [in the Official UK Charts]. At this point, the possibility of pressing CDs was not viable. Should we be penalised in the charts?”

Boxer Rebellion fan Andrew Future, music editor of Fashion Music Style magazine which promotes unsigned bands, said:

“This is long deserved success for a band which for many years has produced wondrous, cinematic rock music I LOVE "WONDOROUS, CINEMATIC ROCK MUSIC"! that’s light years ahead of so many copycat British bands. It’s ludicrous that the Official UK Charts won’t allow them in. It makes a mockery of them. What’s the point in having charts if they don’t accurate chart what is popular?” WEVS, YEAH?

Andrew Future, music editor, Fashion Music Style

REVEALED: The Lamest Website Evah!

2009-01-16T02:03:00.000-08:00

At last! A website entirely devoted to images of the hilariously over-priced tat that's fallen out the back of Vicky Beckham's brain! Great! Big thanks to the senior LiS reporter who has just sent this in:

Hold the front page! (of theonion.com, I mean)

Begin forwarded message:
From: "Josie Saunders" [Josie.saunders@bigpartnership.co.uk]
Date: 15 January 2009 14:25:08 GMT
Subject: Shoreditch woman creates website for Victoria Beckham's new dress collection

Hi
I thought you might be interested in one of my clients who has just launched an exclusive website for Victoria Beckham for the London Paper?

Her name is Aileen Geraghty and she is the MD of hip NO COMMA? MAYBE HER HIPS HAVE WON AWARDS? award-winning UK design agency, 999 Design, which is headquartered TERRIBLE AMERICANISM, ALREADY! in Shoreditch, East London (Great Eastern Street), and I thought she would make an interesting focus / feature / lifestyle / profile piece?

She helps clients improve their branding, marketing and website and works with some of the biggest brands in the UK. Aileen, who was 40 last year, is at the cutting edge of London’s design scene and is regularly seen relaxing over an organic latte at Soho House, where she is a member. BRILLIANT PIECE OF INFO - I CAN TAKE HER SO MUCH MORE SERIOUSLY NOW!

She has just created the recently launched website for Victoria Beckham’s dress collection for 19 Management, which is owned by American Idol creator Simon Fuller and looks after the Beckham brand portfolio.

Aileen has also just designed a range of t-shirts for the UK’s leading ethical clothing brand, People Tree, which is being launched in march SHE MEANS "March". In the past few months, NO COMMA NEEDED HERE she has also designed the branding and marketing material for Muse, India’s answer to Harvey Nichols, and has played a key role in developing the brand to roll out the switchover of digital TV across the UK NO, I DON'T UNDERSTAND THIS BIT EITHER. Aileen travels extensively for work to Asia and America and is just back from a holiday in Gambia. MORE GREAT INFO!

Look forward to hearing from you.

Best wishes

Josie

Josie Saunders
Account Director
The BIG Partnership
5 Park Circus Place
Glasgow, G3 6AH

Oh, This Looks Good

2009-01-14T06:28:00.000-08:00

This just in from a reader near the Westway. What a good idea for a website!

From: Get Over It [mailto:lostinshowbizbacklash@yahoo.co.uk]
Sent: 13 January 2009 17:03
To: lostinshowbizbacklash@yahoo.co.uk
Subject: Fw: CALLING ALL PR's important journalist info...

Dear PRs
Some of you may be aware of this blog which A COMMA HERE WOULD HAVE BEEN NICE basically AND HERE takes the piss out of us, naming and shaming countless PRs – AND MAYBE HERE INSTEAD OF THE DASH dissecting their press releases, offending their sensibilities and the very nature of the magnificent world of PR! Not any more….WELL, THAT'S CLEARLY NOT TRUE (BUT THEN YOU ARE IN PR). there’s WHY NO CAPITAL T? a backlash, a revolution in full swing. PR backlash ‘GET OVER IT!’ (TM – BC) BABS IS BEHIND THIS? is a forum solely for music PRs across the country who have tirelessly dealt with tantrums, knock backs and general degradation from many a music journalist. This is our chance to voice our concerns, completely anonymously and in a tasteful manner. Be it a hilarious anecdote of one journalist invoicing a PR for their ‘Wasted Time’, a horrendous hotel tab comprised of porn, room service and more porn or tales of pure stupidity and lack of musical knowledge from some of the UK’s most trusted scribes…we SURELY, "We" want to hear it!

How low will a journalist go?

To get us started we want to hear your nominations for the most horrendous journalist behaviour of all time. While we all pluck up our courage, we want your tales of wicked whispers and journalist folklore. You don’t have to name and shame and we promise to respect anonymity. As we all know journalists seriously lack a sense of humour THIS BIT IS TRUE and we will not give them the opportunity to trace contributors. We all know a lot of the insider stories already and it would be good to share them with a wider forum.

http://getoveritdaily.blogspot.com/ is awaiting your input.

Other topics up for discussion
Top journalist offenders
CLASH MAGAZINE / CASH MAGAZINE – send your stories of cash for questions to us now
Top 10 Journalist-isms ‘It’s in the listening pile’ or ‘send me another copy’….
NOTION MAGAZINE/ BLAG MAGAZINE. HOW ARE THEYT [that should have read "THEY"] STILL AROUND?!!!
HAVE YOU NO SHAME? Journalists who ask for everything, then shaft you with a feature / review the size of a postage stamp.
Top Tantrums
Laziness
ERRR, WILL THIS DO

I'll tell you what - it's a brilliant site!

Willow Weep For Me

2009-01-13T08:21:00.000-08:00

Call me an old stick-in-the-mud, but as far as I'm concerned I would need to be actually in the van on my way to the nut-house with my hands tied together and one of those face masks Hannibal Lecter wore before I would even consider buying something called "beauty water". Unless someone could show me some evidence that, you know, water wasn't actually good enough anymore and we all needed to spend more money on WATER+ or some garbage like that. Anyway, hahaha!, no one could be that stupid or venal could they! Oh, hang on a minute, yes they could :( This just in from an LiS reporter on the ground:

Er...what? Non-existent celebrity endorsements claim that Willow is "set to be" the biggest name this year, but where's the evidence to support it? Oh! There isn't any! And this is all to promote some bottles of water. How cack-handed and desperate is it possible to be? This is truly appalling work.

From: Helen Pickerill [mailto:helen@brazenpr.com]
Sent: 12 January 2009 10:04
To: Helen
Subject: ‘WILLOW’ SET TO BE BIGGEST BABY NAME OF 2009

BEAUTY WATER PREDICTS PARENTS TO FOLLOW TAKE THAT’S MARK OWEN [she means "Owen's] LEAD TO MAKE WILLOW BABY NAME OF 2009

From Apple to Suri, and Princess Tiamii to Bluebell Madonna, celebrity baby names are renowned for being too crazy and thus uninspiring for non-famous parents-to-be GREAT START.

However, this is set to change in 2009 as, following the recent birth of Take That member Mark Owen’s beautifully-named baby girl, Willow Rose, Willow beauty water predicts ‘Willow’ to be 2009’s most popular baby name OH RLY?

Following huge US movie star Will Smith, whose daughter is also called Willow, Mark Owen’s unique HOW IS IT UNIQUE WHEN THOUSANDS OF PEOPLE ARE CALLED WILLOW? yet sane choice of name for his daughter has sparked a huge interest from women set to give birth in 2009 SAYS WHO? and, to celebrate the expected surge of baby Willow’s in 2009, Willow beauty water is promising to send anyone who names their daughter Willow a free hamper of the 100% natural beauty water.

Clwyd Price - Jones, Managing Director of Willow Water comments: “BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH natural BLAH BLAH.”

For more information telephone OH WHO CARES?

-ENDS-

Brief Encounter

2009-01-12T01:07:00.000-08:00

If there was one thing we would like more of from PRs this year it's less. Less waffle, less bullshit, less crappy quotes, less conjecture, less page-filling screes that scream, "I read Melody Maker at college and I'm still not quite over it." Below is a good example. Nicholas seems so worried about getting accused of being genuinely enthusiastic that he decides to make out everything - including his own judgement - is suspect. It doesn't exactly fill you with confidence, does it? Anyway, this has been sent in by a newly-minted LiS reporter working in a rejuvenated quarter of one of our great cities. Our new pal writes:

Hello LiS. I got pointed in the direction of your blog this week and I have to say I love it. Good work. I got sent this press release yesterday and thought you might like it. Its brevity and honesty truly approaches some kind of twisted genius...

---------- Forwarded message ----------
From: Nicholas Weintraub
Date: Sat, Jan 10, 2009 at 12:14 AM
Subject: Yep... Another shit band... THIS IS QUITE ENCOURAGING
To: crappy.advice@gmail.com THIS IS ALSO QUITE ENCOURAGING

you want a record?... we will send. tanks. TANKS! AMAZING!
http://www.myspace.com/k1llk1llk1ll AND THAT'S IT!

Weighty Issues

2009-01-09T09:46:00.000-08:00

Lily Allen has been in the news a lot this week, hasn't she? All that stuff about drugs and religion and the like. Well, the good people at Quite Great Communications clearly read different newspapers to the rest of us as what they've been reading about seems to have been unbearably tedious diet stuff. This just in from a waspish LiS storm-trooper on the frontline:

This one hits so many buttons. Lily Allen's weight is definitely not the hot topic of the moment. Winehouse's possibly but definitely not Lily. Oh, and try to spell Lily correctly please. And no, this is not an interesting editorial opportunity, whatever you might think. Finally, what an awful attempt to shoe horn
your poxy no-mark client onto another wise blameless celeb. Well done Lauren, you have set a good standard for the year!

Lauren Horncastle [Lauren@2gr8pr.co.uk]
09/01/09 03:00 pm
Subject: The hot topic at the moment- Lily Allen's weight

It's THE hot topic of the moment - How Lilly SHE MEANS LILY Allen has attributed her
incredible new figure to 'hypnotic reprogramming' and we now have a really interesting
editorial opportunity available for you. Globally renowned Australian hypnotist Rick Collingwood who has been hailed as 'the World's Greatest Hypnotist' RIGHT! and is a pioneer of hypnosis related to weight loss and other New Years' resolutions such as giving up smoking and thinking more positively LET'S THINK OF HIM AS PAUL MCKENNA WEARING ONE OF THOSE HATS WITH CORKS HANGING OFF IT.

We would love to set up a one on one session for one of your editorial team so they too can experience 'the Lilly SHE STILL MEANS LILY effect' and below is information about Rick.

Let's set a date for a session and I promise there is no hypnotic message in this email, honest! AMAZING CLOSER!

I look forward to hearing from you,

Lauren

Lauren Horncastle
Press Officer
Quite Great Communications Ltd

Rick Collingwood 'the World's Greatest Hypnotist' set to take the UK by storm YES DEAR, OF COURSE HE IS.

Globally renowned Australian hypnotist Rick Collingwood who has been hailed as YES, THAT'LL DO, THANK YOU.

Teitur Crisped

2009-01-05T10:24:00.000-08:00

Hello and welcome back to Lost In Showbiz. This year we will bring even more head-banging PR tom-tittery than last year managed. And last year was, oh yes, a doozy. So. let's begin with this, sent in from a senior LiS operative out there fighting the good fight on, literally, the front line.

Hello LiS. Happy New Year. The following press release is like some kind of disgusting grammar disembowelment, some intestine-flinging type deal (and yes I know that sentence isn't really a proper sentence either, but dammit it's all about knowing when to break the rules, right?). I feel sorry for Teitur who seems the kind of interesting 'rare and faintly obscure' (what? what does that even mean?) chap who actually might deserve better than this. Then again...

I think my favourite bit might be this, a masterclass in how to mangle the simplest and most mundane bit of info: "He has also co-wrote with Corinne Bailey Rae early on in her career; one of the songs they wrote together 'Choux Pastry Heart' which appears on her multi-platinum debut album..." etcetcetc. For chrissakes, isn't being able to string a sentence together the very least we can expect of PRs?

A sober pause while I consider how many perfectly worthy and capable artists may have lost out on the attention and consideration they richly deserve due to the woeful press releases that are supposed to be bigging them up. Not good, not good at all...

---------- Forwarded message ----------
From: Grace Wood [grace@nile-on.com]
Date: 2008/12/15
Subject: ** Introducing Teitur - someone very special to watch out for in 2009**

Allow me to introduce you to Teitur – a rare and faintly obscure singer songwriter from the Faroe Islands.

Teitur was born on the Faroe Islands YES, WE KNOW THAT NOW, and his last album Kata Hornid was recorded in his native language and perhaps that explains where some of the mystery, searching and soul within his music stems. NO IT DOESN'T. "There is no getting away from the fact that the Faroe Islands have influenced me," he says. "The place is very dramatic, the weather conditions are averse, there is a lot of silence, it's a part of me, it's in my dreams, it is hard for me not to put some of that atmosphere into my music as I feel so attached to it."

The Singer is the first of Teitur's albums to be released in the UK. Recorded last October, at a deserted 19th century hotel on the remote, windswept island of Gotland off the coast of Sweden, a place more renowned as the setting where Ingmar Bergman shot all his films, including his iconic picture the 'Seventh Seal'. GOTLAND ISN'T REMOTE. AND "THE SEVENTH SEAL" - NOT "SEVENTH SEAL" WAS FILMED IN TOREKOV IN BASTADA. Teitur SHE MEANS "TEITUR'S" captivating melodies and finely observed lyrics, WHY THE COMMA? have earned him fans across the globe such as KT Tunstall, Rufus Wainwright, Aimee Mann and John Mayer. *FALLS ASLEEP* He has also co-wrote with Corinne Bailey Rae early on in her career; one of the songs they wrote together 'Choux Pastry Heart' which appears on her multi-platinum debut album. :(

The album titled 'The Singer' is the first of four albums shortly to be released courtesy of A&G Records, who have licensed the record directly from Teitur and his manager's own label, Arlo and Betty Recordings, which they set up in 2006. GREAT INFO, THANKS. This will be quickly followed by an introductory compilation album of his previous albums, providing a beautiful inception EH? for those not familiar with Teiturs' SHE MEANS TEITUR'S past efforts, prior to the rest of his back catalogue unfurling UNFURLING? OH PLEASE! here in the UK for the first time.

The Singer was recorded in an abandoned hotel on the beautiful scenic Scandinavian island of Gotland. YOU'VE DONE THIS BIT "I wanted to go somewhere remote, somewhere exotic where people were out of their ordinary environment so we could go on a journey together while making the record," he explains his choice of location.

The songs took seven years to write and they've been well worth the wait. The title track is Teitur's statement of intent although it is not without humour. "I always had the voice and now I am a singer," he sings. "The audience grows silent when I open up my mouth. I sing the words I've written every night before a crowd. As if I were a poet or some legendary mind." OR JUST ANOTHER BED-WETTING INDIE TWONK AMID ALL THE OTHER BED-WETTING INDIE TWONKS.

Elsewhere there is 'Your Great Book', an angry retort at his sister, 'Legendary Afterparty', a tribute to blues singer and friend Chris Whitley who sadly died of cancer and 'Catherine The Waitress', a quirky, endearing tale of love at first sight.

Check out the glorious Catherine and The Waitress I THOUGHT IT WAS CALLED 'CATHERINE THE WAITRESS'? which will appear on Teitur's album 'The Singer' which makes it's UK debut in 2009 NO FULL STOP, NICE! AND YOU'VE DONE THIS BIT ABOUT EIGHT TIMES NOW.

FULL PR AND PRESS SHOT ATTACHED – FOR FURTHER IMAGES TO BOOK LIMITED PROMO TIME [yeah, right] PLEASE CONTACT ME ON THE USUAL DETAILS BELOW

Account Director
A: 42 A Charlotte Street, London, W1T 2NP

That's Enough Sniping For This Year

2008-12-15T23:48:00.000-08:00

See you all in 2009.

LiS

I Hate Those Neuro-Mantics

2008-12-12T04:56:00.000-08:00

I've just received this email. It made me LOL (see what I did there?)

More Ground Glass, Darling?

2008-12-11T02:04:00.000-08:00

This is the press release for the new band from that awful woman that used to be in The Distillers. The description of her new band makes me want to lie in the road and die.

Sweet Spell Of Success

2008-12-10T06:17:00.000-08:00

This just in from an LiS operative deep under cover:

Full marks for gratuitous (and inexcusably misspelt) Obama mention - and in a nifty 'you think this'll be a nice thing but, ooh no, it's just a tribute, haha!' manoeuvre, too.

I don't even know who these people are but - goddammit - they keep sending me rubbish stuff...

---------- Forwarded message ----------
From: Amplified [info@amplified-online.co.uk]
Date: 2008/12
Subject: Amplified 3.0 / Q-Tip Special!

Amplified 3.0 has arrived!
To celebrate the launch of our new album we decided to make a few changes to our website that we think you'll like. Enjoy the new features including videos, DJ mixes and mintapes THE MEAN MIXTAPES, and purchase the new Amplified album! Click here to view the new look AMP site.

Q-Tip/Tribe special @ Marketplace

On November 4th Barak Obama OH JESUS, IT'S BARACK OBAMA, BARACK OBAMA, SURELY IT'S NOT TOO MUCH TO ASK TO GET THAT RIGHT, IS IT? made history. This day also saw the first official Q-Tip release since 'Kamaal The Abstract' 6 years ago EXCEPT, FAMOUSLY, KAMAAL THE ABSTRACT WAS NEVER ACTUALLY RELEASED. To celebrate the release of 'The Renaisance' THEY MEAN RENAISSANCE there will be a special Q-Tip and A Tribe called THEY MEAN "Called" Quest tribute included @ December's Collabo. WEVZ, YEAH?

Rubbish UNCUT Quotes In Press Releases: 1

2008-12-05T01:41:00.000-08:00

La Roux's Quicksand

"Brixton’s answer to Annie Lennox"

Wow! That bad?

O Brother, Why Art Thou?

2008-12-04T02:08:00.000-08:00

"And, yes, I've just been told I can hand you straight over to a senior LiS reporter at the scene of yet another horrendous PR pile-up..."

One presumes Tones from Triad Publicity is doing this because the old Creation ties die hard. Certainly, the fact that he's let the the idiotic third Gallagher brother write most of it suggests he's not filled with faith in the product. But how can one have faith in a product whose genesis is described as follows: "We met (owner) Gerry O'Boyle and had a few drinks... and then David Soul appeared. A few shandies and a lot of chat and eyeballing later, a club night was born...” Paul, there is a difference between "irony" and "being a talentless nothing"; you should explore that difference by consulting a dictionary. What kind of no-brained, cretinous scenester thinks the idea of David Soul singing in a pub offers any entertainment possibilities whatever? Wouldn't you rather scoop out your eyeballs with plastic cutlery than attend?

As for the market research that went into the night — I also liked the idea of a night every 2 months as real LEGENDS just don’t play every month, we have to make it special every time. And I also like Tuesdays, so the 2nd Tues of every 2nd month...” — well, that's more or less what we'd expect from a Gallagher, eh? Paul, you're not a legend. And I'm so interested to hear you like Tuesdays. Well done. Now, have you been to the toilet recently and do you want your medicine now?

Epic Awfulness

2008-12-03T02:30:00.000-08:00

I've never heard of Kinkane. I imagine you haven't either. They are supporting The Who at the o2, a fact that, for reasons too convoluted to go into, just makes me think they must be terrible. Anyway, if you think I'm being unfair, why not just sit back and treat yourself to the second paragraph of this press release? I think it might be time to revive the idea of some sort of award for awfulness.

Can You Tell Who It Is Yet?

2008-12-02T02:27:00.000-08:00

This isn't a mistake - this is the band's actual logo.

Can you read that? To me it looks like The Unglians or The Vinegars, or maybe even She Uriglim? Has there ever been a worse logo in the history of logos?

Actually, Do Cry For Me, Thanks!

2008-11-28T04:57:00.000-08:00

Evita? A metal band called Evita? Are they for real? Still, as long as their "riffs" really are "prolapse inducing" then we're all guaranteed a good time, no? I'm also pleased to read how they'll be "shacking up" with some halfwit producer in order to "lay down tracks". Amazing! I can't wait for their sophomore effort.

Ugly Sentiments

2008-11-26T03:19:00.000-08:00

Punting a rubbish website - and easytobook is a rubbish website - is one thing, we've all got to eat. But to do it via such a cheap and nasty way as Hills Balfour Synergy have done seems particularly mean and tasteless. I suppose that Hannah Filer and her colleagues must all be incredibly attractive people who have never had a bad word said about them in their lives, how else could they possibly excuse this sort of finger-pointing crapola? Or, as an LiS operative has it:

If you were desperately trying to add some rock star kudos to a desperate press release about something incredibly dull, wouldn't you bother to at least check how Ozzy Osbourne spells his name? And isn't it Ann Widdecombe rather than Anne? Suffice to say I shall not be emailing Hannah for more statistics if this is the best she can manage. As an aside, Ozzy is a multi-millionaire rock star with a hugely successful career. Ann Widdecome is one of the most recognisable female politicians of modern times. Do you think Hannah's happy with the way her life turned out?

______
Forwarded message
From: Hannah Filer [mailto:hannahfiler@hillsbalfoursynergy.com]
Sent: 24 November 2008 11:26
Subject: SURVEY FROM EASYTOBOOK.COM SHOWS OZZIE OSBOURNE you don't spell it like that love WOULDN'T GET LAID FOR £1 MILLION!!!

Leading online hotels reservations site, EasyToBook.com recently conducted a survey amongst its users. When asked, which celebrity would you refuse to sleep with in a hotel for £1million? The SHE MEANS "the" majority of EasyToBook.com users agreed, Ozzie Ozbourne MAKE YOUR MIND UP - IT'S OZZY OSBOURNE AS EVEN THE MOST PERFUNCTORY GOOGLE SEARCH WOULD CONFIRM was the most repulsive male and Anne SHE MEANS ANN Widdecombe was the biggest female turn off.

Survey was completed by 1951 respondents, 35.4% voted for Ozzie Osbourne STILL WRONG, 10.9% voted for Anne WRONG Widdecombe. Other choices included: Boris Johnson, Wayne Rooney, Kerry Katona, John McCririck, Keith Chegwin and Jodie Marsh. For more statistics, please email me!

Excuse Me While I Vomit Out My Aggression

2008-11-24T02:03:00.000-08:00

Some people are just terrible, laughable oiks, aren't they? Frank Iero of My Chemical Romance is one such oik and this press release gives him just enough rope to hang himself in style.

Certain things here make me never want to hear this record as long as I live.

1. "I try to belabor the topics people want to forget exist." Great!
2. "LeATHERMOUTH is where I can vomit out all the aggression." Amazing!
3. "The world is going to shit, and someone has to say it." Preach, brother!
4. "I would love to not feel the way I do about certain things, and have rainbows and birds chirping in my head, but that’s just not the way I’m built." Taxi for this week's woe-is-me, emotionally retarded, slack-jawed, idiot-friendly, tattooed marionette, please. Thanks!

EPITAPH TO RELEASE LEATHERMOUTH DEBUT ALBUM JANUARY 2009

Frank Iero (My Chemical Romance) Gets Pissed For Epitaph Records

New Jersey hardcore group LeATHERMOUTH have signed to Epitaph Records and will release their debut album January 26th 2009.

LeATHERMOUTH’S founding members include Frank Iero of My Chemical Romance (this time on vocals) and friend Rob Hughes (guitar) alongside various others who have toured and recorded with them both. LeATHERMOUTH was formed in a garage in New Jersey in 2007 with the sole intention of making raw confrontational punk rock that not only served as a mouth piece for Iero’s ire but also as a reminder to today’s youth that sometimes it’s the loudmouths who make change happen in this tumultuous world.

“For me LeATHERMOUTH is how I can vent about all the bullshit that I see going on in the world that makes me ill,” says Iero. “I try to belabor the topics people want to forget exist. LeATHERMOUTH is where I can vomit out all the aggression that has built up inside. After recording or playing a LM show I feel empty of all that hatred that’s been bottled up. It’s a pleasant, cathartic experience. I would love to not feel the way I do about certain things, and have rainbows and birds chirping in my head, but that’s just not the way I’m built. I am embarrassed by my emotions and originally wanted to keep LeATHERMOUTH anonymous...but fuck it, none of us are perfect, the world is going to shit, and someone has to say it. I think it would be worse if I hid from it. I have a great deal of respect for Epitaph, and when I decided that I didn’t want to release the LeATHERMOUTH record myself there was only one other label that I felt would be right for this project. I feel honored to be accepted into the Epitaph family, it is something that I’ve thought about ever since I was a kid. I hope I don’t fuck it up.”

Stay tuned for UK tour news!

I will!*

*I won't.

Adventising Message

2008-11-21T02:12:00.000-08:00

A "Cullumder". Oh Jesus.

Calling All Grumpy, Self-Obsessed, Woe-Is-Me, Mummy-Doesn't-Understand-Me Teenagers!

2008-11-19T01:12:00.000-08:00

Here's a new record you might like! It's "hard hitting dark post-hardcore", "passion-fuelled rock infused with monstrously accessible hooks". That's right. It's utterly standard emo snore-pop. Quick question for James at Division Promotions: have you ever used the word "sophomore" in real life? No? Do you see where I'm going with this?

Chidren In Seed

2008-11-18T07:42:00.000-08:00

This just in from a newly-minted LiS operative situated in one of our most important war-time cities:

Just to put Seed Records straight. I have not been waiting for this. And in that horrible title do they really mean "the beetles of or childhood" or the far more likely "beetles of OUR childhood"? If they can't be bothered to read it, why should we? None of these records are perfect stocking filler and I'm willing to bet they won't be in the shops at all - at "crazy prices" or otherwise. As for this bit:

"Sleeps In Oysters are the sound of a ne plus ultra granny's strawberry alarm-clock going off under her tie-dyed wig or for the aurally impaired, the colour splash of a fruit farm sliding down a rainbow into a exotic lagoon lit with fireflies and as seen through a kaleidoscope. It is music made with levers, by little people, flowers, bugs, steam and rusty toys all sprinkled with fairy dust and brought to life under a very special magical spell...and this, by the way, only happens once in a lifetime when the weather is just right..."

Words fail me. If only they could have failed this lot too. Oh, and it's actually spelt Rhydian.

From: Seed Records [mailto:list_reply@seedrecords.co.uk]
Sent: 18 November 2008 15:15
Subject: Seed Records, 'Sleeps In Oysters' debut album pre-sale + FREE track.

Hello Folks,

We're pleased to announce the pre-sale of a release that you've all been waiting for! No, it's not Chinese Democracy or Rhidian Roberts' fresh muck but the wonderful debut album from 'Sleeps In Oysters' on Seed Records with the rather extravagant title:

'We kept the memories locked away like the beetles of or childhood, or How to appreciate someone who is always around'

SEED SHOP
You won't have seen nor heard anything like it - it's the perfect stocking filler and this is the tech spec to prove it: 250 limited edition mini-album CD and 5 bespoke postcards parcelled in paper, tied with string and sealed with wax, housed in OH JESUS GET ON WITH IT mp3 download.

I would like one mummy
Sleeps In Oysters are the sound of a ne plus ultra granny's strawberry alarm-clock going off under her tie-dyed wig or for the aurally impaired, the colour splash of a fruit farm sliding down a rainbow into a exotic lagoon lit with fireflies and as seen through a kaleidoscope.Â It is music made with levers, by little people, flowers, bugs, steam and rusty toys all sprinkled with fairy dust and brought to life under a very special magical spell...and this, by the way, only happens once in a lifetime when the weather is just right.

Their debut album is BLAHBLAHBLAHBLAHBLAH.
/ends/

Family Matters

2008-11-14T01:57:00.001-08:00

Outpost media might want to check one or two of their "facts" before sending out any more of this kind of twaddle ("Ty will be bringing with him the latest sounds in hip-hop and r&b that is guaranteed to get your booty shaking on the dance floor," makes no sense). As a senior LiS reporter has it:

Um, wasn't it Jane Fonda who did workout videos? And when he says Kela Kuti, does he actually mean Fela Kuti? And wasn't that Ty and Damon Albarn track called Every Season? And the phrase is "watchful eye", not "watchful eyes". Still, well done for having a try, eh!

---------- Forwarded message ----------
From: Joe Gamp [Outpost]
Date: 2008/11/11
Subject: The Westbury presents
Saturday 29th November 2008 - please RSVP for more details
To: joe@outpostmedia.co.uk

UPROCK'S INSTRUMENTAL SPECIAL

On Friday 28th November we welcome renowned UK hip-hop artist TY (artist behind the album 'Closer'). Ty has grown from an underground MC to an artist who is developing an international reputation. This led to him being nominated for a Mercury Music Award in 2004, alongside prestigious artists Jamelia and Joss Stone. PLEASE DON'T USE THE WORD "ARTISTS" AGAIN, THANKS Ty has been making music and pushing boundaries for the last ten years and collaborated on the track 'Evert Season' with Tony Allen (Kela Kuti's drummer) and Damon Albarn. Ty will be bringing with him the latest sounds in hip-hop and r&b that is guaranteed to get your booty shaking on the dance floor.

On Saturday 29th November we have a brand new BLAHBLAHBLAH. Hanging baskets and disco balls will be your party partners for the night and the soundtrack to this party will be house and electro all under the watchful eyes of Bridget Fonda, as her workout videos are projected onto the sheds giant rooftop screen. The shed is guaranteed to intrigue the mightiest of sceptics and has to be seen to be believed. YES, I'M SURE...

I Have A Dream (Of Selling Some More Records)

2008-11-12T02:08:00.000-08:00

I'm pleased that Obama chap won too - he seems like a nice enough bloke - but wouldn't it be more friendly to give him a few weeks headstart before trying to flog albums off the back of his victory, even for someone as well connected as Mave "The Rave" Staples?

------ Forwarded Message
From: Janine [janine@coalitiongroup.co.uk]
Date: Tue, 11 Nov 2008 12:13:32 +0000
Subject: Civil Rights Legend MAVIS STAPLES Celebrates Obama Win - "The Dream Is Alive!

New Record MAVIS STAPLES LIVE: HOPE AT THE HIDEOUT Takes on New Significance with Historic Victory

Mavis Staples, who marched and sang and protested alongside Dr. Martin Luther King during the Civil Rights movement of the 1960s, saw her steadfast dedication to equality and unwavering sense of hope validated on Tuesday. She writes:

"To come up in a time when there was slavery, racism, the KKK, and Jim Crow, I'm just so grateful to still be here to enjoy this historical time in our lives. It is so surreal, so completely overwhelming. This young black man has BLAHBLAHBLAH so happy. The Dream is alive."

Staples¹ new record -- AND STRAIGHT INTO THE SALES PITCH! -- which came out on Monday Nov 3rd -- takes on a whole new significance in the wake of this historic win for equal rights. Recorded in June in an intimate bar in her hometown of Chicago, the record is filled with freedom BLAHBLAHBLAH the past 50+ years.

In addition to her work in the trenches LIKE IN WW1, BRILLIANT! the Rock & Roll Hall of Fame singer is no stranger to political celebrations. Staples has performed at inaugural events for John F. Kennedy, Bill Clinton and Jimmy Carter.

Beeny Royston, Cassette Jam, Kathy Diamond, Shinchi Osawa And Phat Phil Cooper On The Same Bill? Impossible!

2008-11-07T09:18:00.001-08:00

Do you fancy going to something that's "flesh-creeping"? No, me neither. Do you want to go to something that's "possessed by more legends than a 'Hammer House of Horror' Box Set"? No, but mainly because, rather like Bruce Hay, I have NO IDEA what that means. By the way, James Zabelia has been dubbed the "turntable wünderkind" for about 10 years now. It's David "Kid" Jensen all over again. Thanks to a senior LiS operative for this - they add:

My eyes... MY EYES my EYES :(

---------- Forwarded message ----------
From: Bruce Hay [brucehay@yahoo.com]
Date: 2008/11/7
Subject: Snowbombing 2009 - Massive DJ Line-up Confirmed

Hi all, hot on the heels of Fatboy Slim's confirmation comes news of a host of top DJs and leading club nights set to play Snowbombing 2009 - the 10th year anniversary - full details below...

cheers,
Bruce

SNOWBOMBING UNVEIL
A HOST OF DJ HEAVYWEIGHTS
GRANDMASTER FLASH / LAYO & BUSHWACKA! / JAMES ZABIELA / NIC FANCIULLI / PLUMP DJS / CLAUDE VON STROKE / SCRATCH PERVERTS / PLUS MANY MORE...

SUNDAY 29TH MARCH - SATURDAY 4TH APRIL 2009
Mayrhofen, Austria
www.snowbombing.com

Spine-tingling, crowd-mingling, flesh-creeping, bass-bleeping; it's got to be the scariest team of sheer talent ever seen at Snowbombing (and that's saying something). Snowbombing have called up the spirits of dance music and driven a stake through the heart of mediocrity. Is there anybody there? You bet there is! They're possessed by more legends than a 'Hammer House of Horror' Box Set.
With FATBOY SLIM already announced as this year's tenth anniversary headliner, Snowbombing will also feature a true original, GRANDMASTER FLASH, on the ones and twos, plus there will be the incomparable FABIO & GROOVERIDER dropping bombs, groove controllers LAYO & BUSHWACKA! turntable wünderkind JAMES ZABIELA, House roller NIC FANCIULLI, Breakbeat behemoths PLUMP DJS San Franciscan beat magician CLAUDE VON STROKE the post-punk disco psychedelia of CAGED BABY and the deck-wizardry of the inimitable SCRATCH PERVERTS.

Also on display will be a live turn from BLAHBLAHBLAH dropping some mad flows.

And it doesn't stop there, Hacienda original GREG WILSON, the up and coming RIVA STARR, Hungarian twistedness from FINE CUT BODIES, Tech-Funker ZODIAC CARTEL, the larger than life LOOSE CANNONS and 4-deck manoeuvres from the NO FAKIN DJS will keep the dancefloors at critical mass. And that's without even mentioning NANCY KITTENS, FAKE BLOOD, JON CARTER, THE POO POO WARRIORS, GROSSLY OFFENSIVE, SHINICHI OSAWA, TRISTAN DE CUHNA, PUNCH ME IN THE FACE, THE BEENY ROYSTON & JADELL SHOW, I AM AN AXEWOUND, and FIRAS plus many more TBC. Club nights MAKE IT STOP! and some top international DJ's...so get [snnnniiiippppppp!]

Credit Where It's Due...

2008-11-06T03:40:00.000-08:00

... I like the fact that the PR has read this horrifying line-up and admitted that the events might appeal to "several" - rather than "all" - tastes, but, I have to say, the show on December 22 may be the one that really gets the bums on the seats (the seats in question being the comfortable ones on the sofa at home).

The Wrong Remains The Same

2008-11-04T01:46:00.000-08:00

And the barely-concealed spam just keeps on a-coming. This from an LiS reporter on the frontline of PR horror:

Apparently this was "powered by" Sign-To email & mobile marketing: "Right Person. Right Place. Right Time". And yet, I couldn't care less, in fact, I find it quite aggravating, so it's clearly the Wrong. Wrong. And Wrong again, isn't it?

From: "Matt Joshua" [info@e***soho.co.uk]
Date: 3 November 2008 17:00:50 GMT
Subject: Fireworks in Soho, Wednesday 5th November

The sky above Soho will be alight with dazzling pyrotechnics this Bonfire Night as NAME DELETED puts on its annual fireworks display. Join the crowds in Soho Square as you "Oooooooh!" and "ahhhhhhh!" as a kaleidescope HE MEANS KALEIDOSCOPE of colour lights up the sky. Then it's back inside NAME DELETED for a hot toddy or two or perhaps an Irish coffee to warm your cockles. Firework show at 9pm.

This email has been sent to you by Kudos Group

Sign-Up.to : Right Person. Right Place. Right Time.

Rubbish NME Quotes In Press Releases: 6

2008-11-03T02:07:00.000-08:00

Roses Kings Castles' Horses

"Pete's not the only 'Shambler with a swish line in solo material - through his Roses, Kings, Castles project sticksman Adam Ficek shows an ear for melody that the likes of Belle And Sebastian would smash up a tea party for."

Haha! Brilliant! It's like someone on acid, being on drugs, in a cement mixer (on ecstasy)!

Let Me What Your Who?

2008-10-31T03:46:00.000-07:00

Shouldn't someone at the record label taken Wyclef aside and said, 'Mate, I'm not being funny, but if you try and release this in the UK within seconds everyone will be calling it Let Me Touch Your Bottom... Just a heads up!"

Oh Jesus Make It Stop...

2008-10-31T02:32:00.000-07:00

Little Chef: Serving Up Tepid Idiocy Every Day!

2008-10-30T04:52:00.000-07:00

This bit makes me want to weep: "A spokesperson for Little Chef said “Like James Bond, Little Chef’s Fat Charlie are the two the most loved and enduring British icons..." A spokesperson who can't even speak! Brilliant! Or, as a Senior LiS reporter has it:

Words fail me.
----
Forwarded Message
From: [peter.cunningham@hotmail.co.uk]
Subject: Little Chef the star at James Bond Premiere

Send Date:30-Oct-2008 10:00

Goodmorning,
Fat Charlie the iconic chef from British institution Little Chef stole the show at the Bond premiere in Leicester Square last night, signing autographs for fans and being interviewed for radio and television. Fat Charlie celebrates his 50th anniversary this year. A spokesperson for Little Chef said “Like James Bond, Little Chef’s Fat Charlie are the two the most loved and enduring British icons. It was befitting that he accepted Daniel Craig’s invitation to join him on the red carpet.“

If you would like higher res pictures please drop me a line.

Many thanks
Peter
07**4 **9 **8

Bond Is Wack

2008-10-28T03:49:00.000-07:00

Have you picked up your free mp3 player from The Sun this week - you know, the "Bond" one? Yeah - of course you have! It's amazing, isn't it? Well, what could possibly make your life any more completely brilliant than rocking one of these bad boys as you troop down to Yates' Wine Lodge while pranging out to a poor quality, illegal download of A View To A Kill through the world's worst pair of headphones? "Do you expect me to talk?" "No, Mr Bond! I expect you to look like an under-employed wedding magician with a startling entry on the offender's register and a debilitating thyroid complaint..." Or, as an LiS reporter has it:

This is spectacularly bad. And, memo to Burton Head Office, Simon Mills isn't, in fact, "the leading men's style commentator", no, he is, alas, the biggest bell-end on Earth...

I Pee Address

2008-10-24T01:25:00.000-07:00

Amazing news just in. People don't just download American telly and look at questionable material in the "study". Or as a newly-minted LiS reporter has it:

Jesus Christ, it must be a slow news week...

------ Forwarded Message
From: Sophia Mitchell from OCTANE [sophiam@octanepr.com]
Date: Thu, 23 Oct 2008 10:24:58 +0100
To: Sophia Mitchell from OCTANE
Conversation: COMPUTER USERS EMBRACE WEE-FI - More internet fans spending pennies on wireless connection

NEWS ALERT: October, 24, 2008

The toilet has become one of the most unusual places to surf the internet and send emails, according to a new poll. 10 per cent of web browsers have logged on to their laptops during visits to the toilet, either at home or at work, says the survey by leading ISP, Plusnet.

35 per cent have even admitted going online while in bed as an alternative to the traditional bedtime read YES - I WONDER WHY. The favourite place to log on is the living room or lounge with 40 per cent, with the humble study LOUNGE IS THE NEW STUDY coming in at just 20 per cent. The survey also found that 85 per cent now had BLAHBLAHBLAH.

Neil Armstrong GREAT NAME!, Plusnet products director, said: “BLAHBLAHBLAHBLAHBLAH." Some people are now such fans of BLAHBLAHBLAH wherever they are. The explosion of Wi-Fi broadband BLAHBLAHBLAH the bath or shower!”

The survey findings came as ALRIGHT, THAT'LL DO, "THANKS".