The Weighting Game

This is very much the sort of thing we see every day. The sort of thing that makes us think, who is running this industry? Who would ever want to connect with this person or the company they represent? I, literally, couldn't care less about the concept of Clegg or Cameron developing a problem with their waistlines and even I know that picture of Clegg's "paunch" was, like, a month ago or something.

Can you imagine a more inane, pointless and soul-crushing way to spend your day than to pump this crap out and then, a day or two later, grimace determinedly and do a phone-around to try and drum up even the merest trickle of interest?

Kill. Me. Now.

Anyway. Here it is. Thanks to a bespectacled man in a smart W1 office for this.

From: "Holly DELETED" [holly DELETED@speedymail.org]
Date: 28 September 2010 10:51:06 GMT+01:00
Subject: Cameron and Clegg and the battle of the bulge

Cameron and Clegg and the battle of the bulge

David Cameron and Nick Clegg are locked into an unexpected, but nonetheless fierce battle with each other … the battle of their expanding girths [THEY'RE NOT THOUGH, ARE THEY? NOT IN ANY WAY AT ALL.]

“It is not unusual for men in early middle age to start piling on the pounds,” said Alison DELETED, CEO of Britain’s fastest growing weight loss specialists NAME DELETED.

“It is particularly difficult for Cameron and Clegg because they attend almost daily lunches and banquettes [SHE SAYS, LIKE SHE HAS ANY IDEA]. The answer for them is the same as anyone else: sensible lifestyle change [SENSIBLE LIFESTYLE CHANGE? DO THEY SMOKE? TAKE DRUGS? DRINK TOO MUCH? OR IS IT NONE OF THOSE?] and food choices,” she said.

There has been plenty of chatter emanating from inside and outside No. 10 but one insider [OH PLEASE DON'T DO THIS] said: “Both men are worried about their paunches. The contest is under way over who’s going to reduce their BLAHBLAHBLAH.”

NAME DELETED have offered the Prime Minister and Deputy Prime Minister free individually tailored weight loss programmes and support. So far there has been no response from Downing Street [NO. AND THERE NEVER WILL BE, WILL THERE?]

The Prime Minister has employed the fitness guru Matt Roberts, whose clients include Naomi Campbell and Amanda Holden, to help him keep fit. [RIGHT, SO THAT'S DAVID CAMERON TAKEN CARE OF, WHO'S NEXT?]

Mr Cameron [HANG ON, HAVEN'T WE DONE HIM?] is known to be a keen jogger and when in opposition he famously cycled from Notting Hill to Westminster followed by a Jag carrying his shoes!

SHOULDN'T THERE BE SOME HORSESHIT ABOUT CLEGG IN HERE?

“Over-weight people could BLAHBLAHBLAHBLAH,” said NAME DELETED, Nutrition and Fitness Advisor for weight-loss programme NAME DELETED.

“However, BLAHBLAHBLAH.” said Mr NAME DELETED.

“NAME DELETED plans reduce weight by supplying healthy calorie controlled OH CHRIST ALRIGHT, GIVE IT A REST.”

"RAGGAE" MUSIC SPECIAL

When we started this blog we used to receive five or six absolutely shocking PR emails every week. Now we get hardly any - really. Oh there are boring ones and silly ones, but the regularity of properly jaw-dropping missives has fallen away to, well, none. Perhaps we have been a benign force? That's a nice idea, isn't it? Shame it's absolute horseshit.

Today we received an email so bad we've had to drag ourselves out of our bath chairs in order to share it with the world.

So here it is.

From: james DELETED [jamesDELETED@gmail.com]
Subject: IRISH BAND ININN [that's Ininn, remember that] NAMED SECOND BEST [second best!] NEWCOMING [what does "newcoming" mean?] RAGGAE [what's "raggae"?] BAND IN EUROPE AT SUSPLASH [what's "Susplash"?] – THE BIGGEST RAGGAE [what's "raggae" again?] FESTIVAL IN EUROPE

Hi,

I hope you find the below to be of interest [WELL, I LOVE SECOND STRING IRISH RAGGAE BANDS, SO HERE'S HOPING]

Intinn [OH, IT'S "INTINN" NOW IS IT? ONLY YOU CALLED THEM "ININN" IN THE SUBJECT LINE. ARE THEY STILL RAGGAE?], one of the most unique sounding bands to emerge from Ireland [IF BY "UNIQUE" YOU MEAN HACKNEYED, THEN YES] have been named the second best [SECOND BEST!] new coming [EH?] Reggae [AT LAST!] band in Europe following a live final at Rototom Sunsplash [WELL DONE!] Festival in Barcelona. This festival is one of the biggest in Europe attracting over 160,000 people from all over the world. Intinn [THAT'S THE RAGGAE BAND, INTINN, RIGHT?] were at Sunsplash representing Ireland [YES, WE GATHERED THAT] and the UK after winning an “ Ex Factor” [OK, IT'S CALLED X FACTOR, EVERYONE IN THE WORLD KNOWS THAT NOW] style competition which saw them win a public vote and then a live performance at London’s One Love Raggae [AND WE'RE BACK WITH THE "RAGGAE"] Festival.

Intinn are a unique ["UNIQUE"] five-piece band from the West of Ireland. Their music is a distinct blend of reggae, dub and drum “n” base [IT'S CALLED "DRUM AND BASS"] with a Celtic trad twist [SOUNDS GREAT! *KILLS SELF WITH AFRO CELT SOUND SYSTEM CD*]. The group have strong family ties to some of the biggest names in trad and folk music; specifically the lead singer Cian Finn is the son of Alec Finn one of the founders of De Dannan [*MAKES "WHO'S THAT?" FACE*]. Intinn are renowned for their live performances and have supported famous groups such as UB40, Kila [*MAKES "WHO'S THAT?" FACE* AGAIN] and Horance Andy [DO YOU, PERHAPS, MEAN "RAGGAE" LEGEND, HORACE ANDY?].

Speaking after performing at Rototom Sunsplash Festival lead vocalist Cian Finn said “We were delighted to have represented Ireland and the UK at one of the largest festivals in Europe [YOU'VE DONE THIS BIT]. We are very proud that we are putting Celtic Dub music [*REVIVES SLIGHTLY THEN KILLS SELF AGAIN*] on the map. This marks a significant point in the influence that elements of Irish BLAHBLAHBLAHBLAHBLAH."

Intinn are playing a special showcase gig on Wednesday the 13th October in Crawdaddy, Dublin. Their current self titled album is available on www.intinnsound.com and is being remixed by super Reggae & Dub producer “The Scientist” [DO YOU, PERHAPS, MEAN "RAGGAE" LEGEND HOPETON BROWN, KNOWN INTERNATIONALLY FOR NEARLY THIRTY YEARS AS, SIMPLY, SCIENTIST? ONLY "THE SCIENTIST" WAS RESPONSIBLE FOR ONE BREAKBEAT TECHNO TRACK IN 1990 AND, AS FAR AS I KNOW, NEVER HAD A HAND IN ANY "RAGGAE" RECORDS.]

-----------------------ENDS--------------------

But, of course, it doesn't end there because James wants to bang on some more. Trust me, you don't want to know how painful it gets, suffice to say at one point he talks about how, "the band played in the Emerald Island’s south, north, east anad [sic] west" and it was at that point we decided we wanted to be dead.

If we were Intinn's, or is it Innin's?, management team, or, indeed, if we were unlucky enough to be in the second best "raggae" band in Ireland, or wherever, we would be bloody furious about this crap coming out under our name. But we're not. We're just hacks playing it for laughs. Only it's not very funny, is it?

WARNING: Post Contains Worst Opening Sentence To A Press Release Ever Written

Can we just sit back for a minute and think about the opening sentence to this press release?

Imagine if you will that your job is to promote some utter bullshit about pyjamas or something. I know it's soul-sapping work, but just how fatally bored by, contemptuous of and uninspired by the whole affair would you have to be to start your piece, "Didn't you know... Sleep is the new black!"

Sleep is the new black? Is there a journalist in the world who wouldn't have just deleted that on sight? What was the point in you writing it? Why would anybody read that? Who in their right mind, after reading that, is going to give you or the half-arsed product you're attempting to flog a single extra second of their time when even you are bored by it and you're, presumably, getting paid to make it sound interesting?

PRs - this is why journalists hate being spammed. However much you try and make your press releases "fun" and "chatty" this is the sort of badly written, achingly silly balls (written by someone who calls themsleves a "PR Executive", no less) we always seem to end up with. Thanks to an LiS operative situated in Australia for sending this in.

Hi there LiS. Thought you would love "Launch Initiative" even more than I do, so I have attached a recent piece of crap they sent me. Sadly, they don't seem to understand the emails I send them that say UNSUBSCRIBE or PLEASE TAKE ME OFF YOUR LIST or even F*CK OFF.


FORWARDED MESSAGE____
FROM: liabelle@launchin.net
Media Release AMAZING

Didn't you know...Sleep is the new black! *DELETES*

From the innovators of Launch Initiative Fashion somes SHE MEANS "COMES" a brand new concept Launch Sleep EH?. For designers looking to expand their portfolio to include sleepwear or graphic design, or even better...both, look to SHE MEANS "NO" further. DO YOU WANT TO HAVE ANOTHER TRY AT THIS SENTENCE?

Launch Initiative Sleep enables fashion designers and graphic designers to try their hand at designing pyjamas and graphic prints for pyjama fabrics GREAT - WHAT A BRILLIANT OPPORTUNITY. This is a hugely valuable, not to mention exciting- WHAT'S GOING ON HERE? opportunity to try your hand at graphic design.

Have you been wanting a pair of wide-legged tie-dyed and studded pyjama pants for...like...ever! HAVE A GUESS. IF YOU GUESSED ANYONE IN THE WORLD SAID, "YES!" TRY AGAIN Well now you can have them thanks to Launch Sleep.

Launch Sleep is starting with a standard sleepwear pattern and is looking for designers to construct a print story ARSE STORY for the collection.

Each month Launch Sleep will be offering more opportunities through the Initiative THE WHAT? to include opportunities to design sleepwear separates and accessories. You could be the very next Peter Alexander WHO HE?

The idea with Launch Sleep is similar to Launch Fashion, where all the designs are submitted for BLAHBLAHBLAHBLAHBLAH.

The winning designer gets $500 cash, plus BLAHBLAHBLAHBLAHBLAHBLAH.

To become a designer with Launch Sleep you need to BLAHBLAH 'ask an expert' page and receive huge BLAHBLAHBLAH store.

To become apart of this incredible program, or if you jast SHE MEANS "JUST" want to find out more about it, go to www.NAMEDELETED.net, there are limited positions available OH YEAH, I FACKING BET THEY ARE, so wake up, sign up and start your career now! FUNNILY ENOUGH I KNOW SOMEONE WHO NEEDS A NEW CAREER

Lia-Belle King

Marketing/PR Executive

Launch Initiative

Unit 10, 34-36 Ralph St

Alexandria, NSW, 2015

Snow Balls

Do you know what a Sliderobe is? No, me neither. Can you imagine how much you would physically ache for the chilly, but ever-open arms of sweet, sweet death if your life's work entailed trying to explain to bored, catastrophically disinterested hacks what Sliderobes, like, are? Personally, I would throw myself under a lorry (perhaps one out gritting), if only to spare the rest of the world the brutal waves of self-loathing that would spill off me like the hum of cheap wine if I had to crank out this bollocks. But Niamh Boyle - and the legion of Niamh Boyles that keep this farrago on the road all year round - just plug away regardless, like shucking Sliderobes is just a job and why get so upset about it? Sure, we all wanted a little more as children, but then life happens and there you are. Plugging pointless crap for a "living". Still, time's winged chariots and all that, eh?

Thanks to the LiS operative situated in, actually, I have no idea where they are, but thank you anyway.

Hello LiS. Thought you might like this snow-related press release I received today via Property4Media.


SUBJECT: The Blanket Of Snow Has A Silver Lining For Householders – And Sliderobes!

12 Jan 2010

As snow blankets the country, Sliderobes showrooms are seeing a huge increase in interest "INTEREST" in their space-saving fitted bedroom furniture. Niamh Boyle, marketing manager, said, “We have seen a quite remarkable, and most unexpected, phenomenon recently. YES, I BET YOU HAVE!

“Several TRANS: TWO customers have told us that when the snow came down heavily, they ended up being confined in their home for days. For the first time, often in ages, they looked around their house properly. They didn’t like what they saw and many of them took the opportunity to try to sort out clutter. THIS BIT MAKES ME WANT TO BE DEAD.

“They said they really began to see things that had irritated them mildly I HATE THINGS THAT IRRITATE ME MILDLY. Things like bags stuffed under the chest of drawers YES, HATE THAT, boxes piled on top of their freestanding wardrobe THAT TOO and clutter that had never found a permanent home I AM PHYSICALLY SICKENED BY CLUTTER THAT HAS NEVER FOUND A PERMANENT HOME. Confined to the house, they had the time to think about permanently solving those storage problems,” she added AND THE WELCOMING EMBRACE OF DEATH, DON'T FORGET THAT, NIAMH.

As a result, for Sliderobes, who tailor-make fitted bedroom furniture, this has been a bumper time. It seems that as soon as the weather lifts, customers want to tackle the problem once and for all I WAGER THEY'LL HAVE FORGOTTEN ABOUT IT ALL BY THEN, TBH.

Niamh added, “It’s often said that every cloud has a silver lining. Many of us spend our time rushing to and fro, falling into bed exhausted at the end of each day, never really getting to grips with challenges LIKE ALL THOSE MILD IRRITATIONS, YES.

“Whilst we wouldn’t wish this dreadful weather on anyone HAHAHA!, it really has been a bonus for us. At virtually every one of our showrooms TRANS: ONE OF THEM, we’ve had customers through the door – or in many cases on the phone - who have said that spending more time at home has meant that they have seen their clutter as it really is,” she explained. NIAMH, IS THIS IT? DON'T YOU WANT TO GET OUT? MAYBE ASK A LITTLE MORE OF LIFE THAN THIS?

Sliderobes, which creates bespoke OH WOTEVA.

Christmas Crappers

Oh look! Amazing! A record made by some blokes and released on Sony is Number One! That means that another record sung by a bloke and released on Sony won't be Number One! Eat that, Nasty Nigel or whatever your bloody name is. Stuff you, I won't buy what you tell me! I'll buy what someone on Facebook tells me to instead. So there.

This just in from a well-turned out chap who's just moved to a new office somewhere swish.

Lesson one at Bad PR University: Attempt to align your dismal campaign with whatever might be happening in the world of things people do actually want to write about, even though this will ultimately result in making your client seem even less relevant than they were to begin with.

Lesson two: Write your press release in the manner of something that's been translated from a foreign language.

---------- Forwarded message ----------
From: Chris Hall [chris.jdwpr@googlemail.com]
Date: 2009/12/15
Subject: J-Proc/ The £20 independent alternative to Joe & RATM

Hello There,

"A Christmas Song (Stuff The Turkey)"

As You ME? are well aware – the Christmas this year GREAT START! has EH? an exciting battle between Joe McElderry and Rage Against the Machine brewing YES, LIKE A SCHOOLBOY'S FART. However, everyone is saying that the real winner are HE MEANS IS Sony – given that both acts are signed to subsidiary record labels. So, I just wanted to remind you of the home-made independent alternative by duo J-Proc DEFINITELY COULD'VE DONE WITH MORE COMMAS. With a single and video which cost £20 in total AND I BET THEY LOOK LIKE IT TOO, the novelty pairing have released a seasonal take of HE MEANS ON the novelty record with a contemporary feel NOVELTY AND CONTEMPORARY, YOU'RE SPOILING US. With a growing popularity on youTube HE MEANS YouTube and lots of discussion in forums HE MEANS ON FORUMS, the pair found themselves in Amazon’s Top 100 briefly REALLY? HOW IMPRESSIVE on Monday OH for their attempt at the Top 40 AN ATTEMPT THAT FAILED. WHY ARE YOU STILL TELLING ME ABOUT IT?

“It don't feel like Christmas no more, with no novelty records innit OH CHRIST So we is bringing you the novelty record to top them all, 'A Christmas Song (Stuff The Turkey)'” - Proc Proc ALI G WAS BRILLIANT, WASN'T HE?

“I love this time of year man OH SHIT, it doesn't get better than dancing with your friends to the latest Christmas song. This year we thought people needed something other than Noddy Holder and OH SHUT UP.

In a year which could have provided X Factor's Jedward as the closest thing this country has seen to a novelty Christmas record I SORT OF SEE WHAT YOU MEAN HERE BUT YOU REALLY SHOULD HAVE HAD ANOTHER GO AT THIS BIT, J-Proc have decided to be late entrants into the race for the Christmas number 1 A RACE YOU'VE ALREADY TOLD US THAT THEY'VE LOST as an independent, self-funded competitor with their frolicsome AMAZING! dance and sing-along tune "A Christmas Song (Stuff The Turkey)". With the competition tough, they hope that their brand of cheesy techno pop IT SOUNDS GOOD ALREADY can recapture the fun of the Christmas record that has been missing in recent years AGAIN WITH THE TERRIBLE WRITING.

The single is accompanied by a home-made music video OH JUST KILL ME NOW. Both Proc Proc and JW are keen to do interviews YES, I BET THEY ARE about their novelty crusade or at least garner a few mentions AIM LOW - GOOD TACTIC as THE real Christmas record this year WHATEVER THAT MEANS. If you need anything further, please BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH.

Best

Chris Hall

Top Of The Pop Ups

I'm going to step aside and let this angry LiS operative situated in a position of power at a national newspaper take over. "Pop Up" PRs would do well to read on...

Will you c**t-witted PRs desperate to appear hip to your suited clients please f*ck off with your pop up clubs/bars/shops and assorted twat emporiums?

Recently I've had:

Laura from Money with the email: Rosie Lovell pop up restaurant and cultural Christmas experience! She's the author of Spooning with Rosie, dontcha know?

Nicola from Coverdale Davis comes up with her original idea: Blaguette Pop-Up Shop. Except there is nothing pop up about it. It's a f*cking shop full stop.

Love Fashion come out a corker that combines the new buzz word and street talk in such an excruciating fashion that even a hip Geography teacher would squirm at it.
Invitation: Fashion X Showroom, pop-up boutique and 'Da Sidewalk is da Catwalk' (THIS ONE ACTUALLY MAKES A LITTLE BIT OF SICK APPEAR IN MY MOUTH *sad face*)

Cassandra at de Winter PR has obviously never heard of temporary radio licenses that have been handed out for decades. Or pirate radio either for that matter. Now - drum roll - it is a pop up station.

Then the normally reliable James at Sony sent out:
THIRD MAN ANNOUNCE SPECIAL LONDON POP UP STORE & DEAD WEATHER TV.

And then this one. Every single year in my home town an empty shop is taken over for a couple of weeks to flog Christmas wrapping paper and gift tags only to close on Boxing day. Here in London a temporary Christmas gift shop is a pop up urban shop. C*nts!


----- Forwarded message -----
FROM: Eva McBride [eva@gonefishingpr.com]
Subject: You are invited to the Christmas Flying Eye Pop Up Urban Shop preview

FLYING EYE BALL POP UP SHOP AND EXHIBITION
10am- 8pm
27 CORK STREET, MAYFAIR, LONDON

INKIE, the King Pin AMAZING! of the UK Graffiti scene for the past 25 years returns this Christmas to bring us a whole sack-full of original art works, canvases, prints, toys, sculptures, T-shirts and books from some of Europe’s finest artists. This urban pop up shop is one of it’s SHE MEANS ONE OF "A" kind, and will be found popping-up in delightful Cork Street, Mayfair, the hub of London’s Art finery LONDON'S ART WHAT?. This is the first of many Flying Eyeball Productions so watch this art space AMAZING (AGAIN)! This Christmas Pop up shop is the strongest visual feast from any European Urban Art Exhibition this season OH RLY?

The pop up shop will open its doors to the public just in time to snap up some one-of-a kind, quirky Christmas gifts, perfect for the man or woman who has everything. 24 carat gold leaf prints from INKIE and 28 colour screen prints from Drum and Bass legend Goldie, will be on offer to tickle your festive fancy GOOD WORK, KEEP GOING.

Other stocking filler goodies including unique sculptures and toys will be on offer from *DEEP BREATH* Heavy Dave, Shoe, Inkie, Eine, Scalp Rot, Mysterious Al, Sickboy, Chew My Boxers, Insa, Zeus, Hush, Mau Mau, Stink-gasm, Kid Acne, Steff Plaetz, Chu, Shok 1, RYCA, Asthmatic Prawn, David Walker, Wazzock, China Mike, Part2ism, Ben Allen, Andy Council-House, Pure Evil, Shazer, George Morton Clark, Milk, Heavy Biscuits, Dora and Don. And Winky. And Blouse. I'VE MADE SOME OF THESE UP - CAN YOU GUESS WHICH ONES?

Heralding from the infamous Bristol School of Graffiti BAD WRITING ALERT, Inkie has been identified as one of the leading UK urban artists alongside Banksy, Nick Walker and Massive Attacks SHE MEANS MASSIVE ATTACK'S 3D. A dominant presence for over 2 SHE MEANS TWO decades on the international graffiti scene, Inkie’s trademark Ink Nouveau ladies and striking wildstyles draw from diverse inspiration ranging from *READS FROM OLD PRESS RELEASE* Art Nouveau, Ancient Architecture, Natural forms and Islamic Geometry. RIGHT YOU ARE.


A private press and buyers viewing will also take place on OH WOTEVA...

What's The Skinny?

This just in from an LiS reader who works for a serious internet "journal".

Would you please just fack out of my inbox with your awful press release.

---------- Forwarded message ----------
From: George [georgia@freewheelinmedia.com]
Date: 2009/11/26
Subject: DEC 7th RELEASE ** Skinny Lister- 'December'- 7th December**

**DECEMBER SINGLE & ONES TO WATCH**

Hello!

Skinny Lister is a harmonious wonder OH GOD, HERE WE GO of modern musical times, totally at one with the 'old style days' WHAT IN THE NAME OF EVERYTHING WE HOLD HOLY DOES 'OLD STYLE DAYS' ACTUALLY MEAN? where humanity and nature weremore SHE MEANS "WERE MORE" closely aligned, before concrete towers BOO! and obstructed horizons DOUBLE-BOO! reduced emotions to a monotonous average OH DO ME A FAVOUR LOVE.

Where folk danced in the countryside PAGING ALL FIRST YEAR THOMAS HARDY STUDENTS, hand in hand with lovers, while friends played their tunes and melodies under the ever-changing skies PERHAPS IF SOMEONE COULD KILL ME NOW? THANKS.

Their second single ‘December’, taken from their forthcoming album scheduled to SHE MEANS "FOR" release next year, is a rich track full of familiarity SO IT'S LIKE A LOAD OF THINGS WE'VE ALREADY HEARD THEN, GREAT!, winter warmth and melancholic memories TITILLATE ME WITH ALLITERATION!. Featuring a beautifully heart felt acoustic arrangement IE BORING ACOUSTIC TWANGING which sets the scene for winters, long days, falling leaves and times from days gone by YOU NEED TO GET OVER THIS 'DAYS GONE BY' CRAP, REAL TALK.

Their beautiful debut track ‘Plough & Orion’ was picked up by 6Music, BBC2‘s ‘The Cut’, Artrocker Magazine, The Independent amongst other *SNOOZES PEACEFULLY*. Skinny Lister’s beautiful songwriting and intimate artrock performances showcase their talents to a tee; sometimes sombre yet sweet in nature and gentle to the ear, a sense of timelessness and creativity make the Skinny Lister experience laid back and effortlessly enjoyable IN SHORT: CATASTROPHICALLY BORING GUITAR TWIDDLERS IN SILLY HATS THEN.