The Weighting Game

This is very much the sort of thing we see every day. The sort of thing that makes us think, who is running this industry? Who would ever want to connect with this person or the company they represent? I, literally, couldn't care less about the concept of Clegg or Cameron developing a problem with their waistlines and even I know that picture of Clegg's "paunch" was, like, a month ago or something.

Can you imagine a more inane, pointless and soul-crushing way to spend your day than to pump this crap out and then, a day or two later, grimace determinedly and do a phone-around to try and drum up even the merest trickle of interest?

Kill. Me. Now.

Anyway. Here it is. Thanks to a bespectacled man in a smart W1 office for this.

From: "Holly DELETED" [holly DELETED@speedymail.org]
Date: 28 September 2010 10:51:06 GMT+01:00
Subject: Cameron and Clegg and the battle of the bulge

Cameron and Clegg and the battle of the bulge

David Cameron and Nick Clegg are locked into an unexpected, but nonetheless fierce battle with each other … the battle of their expanding girths [THEY'RE NOT THOUGH, ARE THEY? NOT IN ANY WAY AT ALL.]

“It is not unusual for men in early middle age to start piling on the pounds,” said Alison DELETED, CEO of Britain’s fastest growing weight loss specialists NAME DELETED.

“It is particularly difficult for Cameron and Clegg because they attend almost daily lunches and banquettes [SHE SAYS, LIKE SHE HAS ANY IDEA]. The answer for them is the same as anyone else: sensible lifestyle change [SENSIBLE LIFESTYLE CHANGE? DO THEY SMOKE? TAKE DRUGS? DRINK TOO MUCH? OR IS IT NONE OF THOSE?] and food choices,” she said.

There has been plenty of chatter emanating from inside and outside No. 10 but one insider [OH PLEASE DON'T DO THIS] said: “Both men are worried about their paunches. The contest is under way over who’s going to reduce their BLAHBLAHBLAH.”

NAME DELETED have offered the Prime Minister and Deputy Prime Minister free individually tailored weight loss programmes and support. So far there has been no response from Downing Street [NO. AND THERE NEVER WILL BE, WILL THERE?]

The Prime Minister has employed the fitness guru Matt Roberts, whose clients include Naomi Campbell and Amanda Holden, to help him keep fit. [RIGHT, SO THAT'S DAVID CAMERON TAKEN CARE OF, WHO'S NEXT?]

Mr Cameron [HANG ON, HAVEN'T WE DONE HIM?] is known to be a keen jogger and when in opposition he famously cycled from Notting Hill to Westminster followed by a Jag carrying his shoes!

SHOULDN'T THERE BE SOME HORSESHIT ABOUT CLEGG IN HERE?

“Over-weight people could BLAHBLAHBLAHBLAH,” said NAME DELETED, Nutrition and Fitness Advisor for weight-loss programme NAME DELETED.

“However, BLAHBLAHBLAH.” said Mr NAME DELETED.

“NAME DELETED plans reduce weight by supplying healthy calorie controlled OH CHRIST ALRIGHT, GIVE IT A REST.”

"RAGGAE" MUSIC SPECIAL

When we started this blog we used to receive five or six absolutely shocking PR emails every week. Now we get hardly any - really. Oh there are boring ones and silly ones, but the regularity of properly jaw-dropping missives has fallen away to, well, none. Perhaps we have been a benign force? That's a nice idea, isn't it? Shame it's absolute horseshit.

Today we received an email so bad we've had to drag ourselves out of our bath chairs in order to share it with the world.

So here it is.

From: james DELETED [jamesDELETED@gmail.com]
Subject: IRISH BAND ININN [that's Ininn, remember that] NAMED SECOND BEST [second best!] NEWCOMING [what does "newcoming" mean?] RAGGAE [what's "raggae"?] BAND IN EUROPE AT SUSPLASH [what's "Susplash"?] – THE BIGGEST RAGGAE [what's "raggae" again?] FESTIVAL IN EUROPE

Hi,

I hope you find the below to be of interest [WELL, I LOVE SECOND STRING IRISH RAGGAE BANDS, SO HERE'S HOPING]

Intinn [OH, IT'S "INTINN" NOW IS IT? ONLY YOU CALLED THEM "ININN" IN THE SUBJECT LINE. ARE THEY STILL RAGGAE?], one of the most unique sounding bands to emerge from Ireland [IF BY "UNIQUE" YOU MEAN HACKNEYED, THEN YES] have been named the second best [SECOND BEST!] new coming [EH?] Reggae [AT LAST!] band in Europe following a live final at Rototom Sunsplash [WELL DONE!] Festival in Barcelona. This festival is one of the biggest in Europe attracting over 160,000 people from all over the world. Intinn [THAT'S THE RAGGAE BAND, INTINN, RIGHT?] were at Sunsplash representing Ireland [YES, WE GATHERED THAT] and the UK after winning an “ Ex Factor” [OK, IT'S CALLED X FACTOR, EVERYONE IN THE WORLD KNOWS THAT NOW] style competition which saw them win a public vote and then a live performance at London’s One Love Raggae [AND WE'RE BACK WITH THE "RAGGAE"] Festival.

Intinn are a unique ["UNIQUE"] five-piece band from the West of Ireland. Their music is a distinct blend of reggae, dub and drum “n” base [IT'S CALLED "DRUM AND BASS"] with a Celtic trad twist [SOUNDS GREAT! *KILLS SELF WITH AFRO CELT SOUND SYSTEM CD*]. The group have strong family ties to some of the biggest names in trad and folk music; specifically the lead singer Cian Finn is the son of Alec Finn one of the founders of De Dannan [*MAKES "WHO'S THAT?" FACE*]. Intinn are renowned for their live performances and have supported famous groups such as UB40, Kila [*MAKES "WHO'S THAT?" FACE* AGAIN] and Horance Andy [DO YOU, PERHAPS, MEAN "RAGGAE" LEGEND, HORACE ANDY?].

Speaking after performing at Rototom Sunsplash Festival lead vocalist Cian Finn said “We were delighted to have represented Ireland and the UK at one of the largest festivals in Europe [YOU'VE DONE THIS BIT]. We are very proud that we are putting Celtic Dub music [*REVIVES SLIGHTLY THEN KILLS SELF AGAIN*] on the map. This marks a significant point in the influence that elements of Irish BLAHBLAHBLAHBLAHBLAH."

Intinn are playing a special showcase gig on Wednesday the 13th October in Crawdaddy, Dublin. Their current self titled album is available on www.intinnsound.com and is being remixed by super Reggae & Dub producer “The Scientist” [DO YOU, PERHAPS, MEAN "RAGGAE" LEGEND HOPETON BROWN, KNOWN INTERNATIONALLY FOR NEARLY THIRTY YEARS AS, SIMPLY, SCIENTIST? ONLY "THE SCIENTIST" WAS RESPONSIBLE FOR ONE BREAKBEAT TECHNO TRACK IN 1990 AND, AS FAR AS I KNOW, NEVER HAD A HAND IN ANY "RAGGAE" RECORDS.]

-----------------------ENDS--------------------

But, of course, it doesn't end there because James wants to bang on some more. Trust me, you don't want to know how painful it gets, suffice to say at one point he talks about how, "the band played in the Emerald Island’s south, north, east anad [sic] west" and it was at that point we decided we wanted to be dead.

If we were Intinn's, or is it Innin's?, management team, or, indeed, if we were unlucky enough to be in the second best "raggae" band in Ireland, or wherever, we would be bloody furious about this crap coming out under our name. But we're not. We're just hacks playing it for laughs. Only it's not very funny, is it?

WARNING: Post Contains Worst Opening Sentence To A Press Release Ever Written

Can we just sit back for a minute and think about the opening sentence to this press release?

Imagine if you will that your job is to promote some utter bullshit about pyjamas or something. I know it's soul-sapping work, but just how fatally bored by, contemptuous of and uninspired by the whole affair would you have to be to start your piece, "Didn't you know... Sleep is the new black!"

Sleep is the new black? Is there a journalist in the world who wouldn't have just deleted that on sight? What was the point in you writing it? Why would anybody read that? Who in their right mind, after reading that, is going to give you or the half-arsed product you're attempting to flog a single extra second of their time when even you are bored by it and you're, presumably, getting paid to make it sound interesting?

PRs - this is why journalists hate being spammed. However much you try and make your press releases "fun" and "chatty" this is the sort of badly written, achingly silly balls (written by someone who calls themsleves a "PR Executive", no less) we always seem to end up with. Thanks to an LiS operative situated in Australia for sending this in.

Hi there LiS. Thought you would love "Launch Initiative" even more than I do, so I have attached a recent piece of crap they sent me. Sadly, they don't seem to understand the emails I send them that say UNSUBSCRIBE or PLEASE TAKE ME OFF YOUR LIST or even F*CK OFF.


FORWARDED MESSAGE____
FROM: liabelle@launchin.net
Media Release AMAZING

Didn't you know...Sleep is the new black! *DELETES*

From the innovators of Launch Initiative Fashion somes SHE MEANS "COMES" a brand new concept Launch Sleep EH?. For designers looking to expand their portfolio to include sleepwear or graphic design, or even better...both, look to SHE MEANS "NO" further. DO YOU WANT TO HAVE ANOTHER TRY AT THIS SENTENCE?

Launch Initiative Sleep enables fashion designers and graphic designers to try their hand at designing pyjamas and graphic prints for pyjama fabrics GREAT - WHAT A BRILLIANT OPPORTUNITY. This is a hugely valuable, not to mention exciting- WHAT'S GOING ON HERE? opportunity to try your hand at graphic design.

Have you been wanting a pair of wide-legged tie-dyed and studded pyjama pants for...like...ever! HAVE A GUESS. IF YOU GUESSED ANYONE IN THE WORLD SAID, "YES!" TRY AGAIN Well now you can have them thanks to Launch Sleep.

Launch Sleep is starting with a standard sleepwear pattern and is looking for designers to construct a print story ARSE STORY for the collection.

Each month Launch Sleep will be offering more opportunities through the Initiative THE WHAT? to include opportunities to design sleepwear separates and accessories. You could be the very next Peter Alexander WHO HE?

The idea with Launch Sleep is similar to Launch Fashion, where all the designs are submitted for BLAHBLAHBLAHBLAHBLAH.

The winning designer gets $500 cash, plus BLAHBLAHBLAHBLAHBLAHBLAH.

To become a designer with Launch Sleep you need to BLAHBLAH 'ask an expert' page and receive huge BLAHBLAHBLAH store.

To become apart of this incredible program, or if you jast SHE MEANS "JUST" want to find out more about it, go to www.NAMEDELETED.net, there are limited positions available OH YEAH, I FACKING BET THEY ARE, so wake up, sign up and start your career now! FUNNILY ENOUGH I KNOW SOMEONE WHO NEEDS A NEW CAREER

Lia-Belle King

Marketing/PR Executive

Launch Initiative

Unit 10, 34-36 Ralph St

Alexandria, NSW, 2015

Snow Balls

Do you know what a Sliderobe is? No, me neither. Can you imagine how much you would physically ache for the chilly, but ever-open arms of sweet, sweet death if your life's work entailed trying to explain to bored, catastrophically disinterested hacks what Sliderobes, like, are? Personally, I would throw myself under a lorry (perhaps one out gritting), if only to spare the rest of the world the brutal waves of self-loathing that would spill off me like the hum of cheap wine if I had to crank out this bollocks. But Niamh Boyle - and the legion of Niamh Boyles that keep this farrago on the road all year round - just plug away regardless, like shucking Sliderobes is just a job and why get so upset about it? Sure, we all wanted a little more as children, but then life happens and there you are. Plugging pointless crap for a "living". Still, time's winged chariots and all that, eh?

Thanks to the LiS operative situated in, actually, I have no idea where they are, but thank you anyway.

Hello LiS. Thought you might like this snow-related press release I received today via Property4Media.


SUBJECT: The Blanket Of Snow Has A Silver Lining For Householders – And Sliderobes!

12 Jan 2010

As snow blankets the country, Sliderobes showrooms are seeing a huge increase in interest "INTEREST" in their space-saving fitted bedroom furniture. Niamh Boyle, marketing manager, said, “We have seen a quite remarkable, and most unexpected, phenomenon recently. YES, I BET YOU HAVE!

“Several TRANS: TWO customers have told us that when the snow came down heavily, they ended up being confined in their home for days. For the first time, often in ages, they looked around their house properly. They didn’t like what they saw and many of them took the opportunity to try to sort out clutter. THIS BIT MAKES ME WANT TO BE DEAD.

“They said they really began to see things that had irritated them mildly I HATE THINGS THAT IRRITATE ME MILDLY. Things like bags stuffed under the chest of drawers YES, HATE THAT, boxes piled on top of their freestanding wardrobe THAT TOO and clutter that had never found a permanent home I AM PHYSICALLY SICKENED BY CLUTTER THAT HAS NEVER FOUND A PERMANENT HOME. Confined to the house, they had the time to think about permanently solving those storage problems,” she added AND THE WELCOMING EMBRACE OF DEATH, DON'T FORGET THAT, NIAMH.

As a result, for Sliderobes, who tailor-make fitted bedroom furniture, this has been a bumper time. It seems that as soon as the weather lifts, customers want to tackle the problem once and for all I WAGER THEY'LL HAVE FORGOTTEN ABOUT IT ALL BY THEN, TBH.

Niamh added, “It’s often said that every cloud has a silver lining. Many of us spend our time rushing to and fro, falling into bed exhausted at the end of each day, never really getting to grips with challenges LIKE ALL THOSE MILD IRRITATIONS, YES.

“Whilst we wouldn’t wish this dreadful weather on anyone HAHAHA!, it really has been a bonus for us. At virtually every one of our showrooms TRANS: ONE OF THEM, we’ve had customers through the door – or in many cases on the phone - who have said that spending more time at home has meant that they have seen their clutter as it really is,” she explained. NIAMH, IS THIS IT? DON'T YOU WANT TO GET OUT? MAYBE ASK A LITTLE MORE OF LIFE THAN THIS?

Sliderobes, which creates bespoke OH WOTEVA.

Christmas Crappers

Oh look! Amazing! A record made by some blokes and released on Sony is Number One! That means that another record sung by a bloke and released on Sony won't be Number One! Eat that, Nasty Nigel or whatever your bloody name is. Stuff you, I won't buy what you tell me! I'll buy what someone on Facebook tells me to instead. So there.

This just in from a well-turned out chap who's just moved to a new office somewhere swish.

Lesson one at Bad PR University: Attempt to align your dismal campaign with whatever might be happening in the world of things people do actually want to write about, even though this will ultimately result in making your client seem even less relevant than they were to begin with.

Lesson two: Write your press release in the manner of something that's been translated from a foreign language.

---------- Forwarded message ----------
From: Chris Hall [chris.jdwpr@googlemail.com]
Date: 2009/12/15
Subject: J-Proc/ The £20 independent alternative to Joe & RATM

Hello There,

"A Christmas Song (Stuff The Turkey)"

As You ME? are well aware – the Christmas this year GREAT START! has EH? an exciting battle between Joe McElderry and Rage Against the Machine brewing YES, LIKE A SCHOOLBOY'S FART. However, everyone is saying that the real winner are HE MEANS IS Sony – given that both acts are signed to subsidiary record labels. So, I just wanted to remind you of the home-made independent alternative by duo J-Proc DEFINITELY COULD'VE DONE WITH MORE COMMAS. With a single and video which cost £20 in total AND I BET THEY LOOK LIKE IT TOO, the novelty pairing have released a seasonal take of HE MEANS ON the novelty record with a contemporary feel NOVELTY AND CONTEMPORARY, YOU'RE SPOILING US. With a growing popularity on youTube HE MEANS YouTube and lots of discussion in forums HE MEANS ON FORUMS, the pair found themselves in Amazon’s Top 100 briefly REALLY? HOW IMPRESSIVE on Monday OH for their attempt at the Top 40 AN ATTEMPT THAT FAILED. WHY ARE YOU STILL TELLING ME ABOUT IT?

“It don't feel like Christmas no more, with no novelty records innit OH CHRIST So we is bringing you the novelty record to top them all, 'A Christmas Song (Stuff The Turkey)'” - Proc Proc ALI G WAS BRILLIANT, WASN'T HE?

“I love this time of year man OH SHIT, it doesn't get better than dancing with your friends to the latest Christmas song. This year we thought people needed something other than Noddy Holder and OH SHUT UP.

In a year which could have provided X Factor's Jedward as the closest thing this country has seen to a novelty Christmas record I SORT OF SEE WHAT YOU MEAN HERE BUT YOU REALLY SHOULD HAVE HAD ANOTHER GO AT THIS BIT, J-Proc have decided to be late entrants into the race for the Christmas number 1 A RACE YOU'VE ALREADY TOLD US THAT THEY'VE LOST as an independent, self-funded competitor with their frolicsome AMAZING! dance and sing-along tune "A Christmas Song (Stuff The Turkey)". With the competition tough, they hope that their brand of cheesy techno pop IT SOUNDS GOOD ALREADY can recapture the fun of the Christmas record that has been missing in recent years AGAIN WITH THE TERRIBLE WRITING.

The single is accompanied by a home-made music video OH JUST KILL ME NOW. Both Proc Proc and JW are keen to do interviews YES, I BET THEY ARE about their novelty crusade or at least garner a few mentions AIM LOW - GOOD TACTIC as THE real Christmas record this year WHATEVER THAT MEANS. If you need anything further, please BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH.

Best

Chris Hall

Top Of The Pop Ups

I'm going to step aside and let this angry LiS operative situated in a position of power at a national newspaper take over. "Pop Up" PRs would do well to read on...

Will you c**t-witted PRs desperate to appear hip to your suited clients please f*ck off with your pop up clubs/bars/shops and assorted twat emporiums?

Recently I've had:

Laura from Money with the email: Rosie Lovell pop up restaurant and cultural Christmas experience! She's the author of Spooning with Rosie, dontcha know?

Nicola from Coverdale Davis comes up with her original idea: Blaguette Pop-Up Shop. Except there is nothing pop up about it. It's a f*cking shop full stop.

Love Fashion come out a corker that combines the new buzz word and street talk in such an excruciating fashion that even a hip Geography teacher would squirm at it.
Invitation: Fashion X Showroom, pop-up boutique and 'Da Sidewalk is da Catwalk' (THIS ONE ACTUALLY MAKES A LITTLE BIT OF SICK APPEAR IN MY MOUTH *sad face*)

Cassandra at de Winter PR has obviously never heard of temporary radio licenses that have been handed out for decades. Or pirate radio either for that matter. Now - drum roll - it is a pop up station.

Then the normally reliable James at Sony sent out:
THIRD MAN ANNOUNCE SPECIAL LONDON POP UP STORE & DEAD WEATHER TV.

And then this one. Every single year in my home town an empty shop is taken over for a couple of weeks to flog Christmas wrapping paper and gift tags only to close on Boxing day. Here in London a temporary Christmas gift shop is a pop up urban shop. C*nts!


----- Forwarded message -----
FROM: Eva McBride [eva@gonefishingpr.com]
Subject: You are invited to the Christmas Flying Eye Pop Up Urban Shop preview

FLYING EYE BALL POP UP SHOP AND EXHIBITION
10am- 8pm
27 CORK STREET, MAYFAIR, LONDON

INKIE, the King Pin AMAZING! of the UK Graffiti scene for the past 25 years returns this Christmas to bring us a whole sack-full of original art works, canvases, prints, toys, sculptures, T-shirts and books from some of Europe’s finest artists. This urban pop up shop is one of it’s SHE MEANS ONE OF "A" kind, and will be found popping-up in delightful Cork Street, Mayfair, the hub of London’s Art finery LONDON'S ART WHAT?. This is the first of many Flying Eyeball Productions so watch this art space AMAZING (AGAIN)! This Christmas Pop up shop is the strongest visual feast from any European Urban Art Exhibition this season OH RLY?

The pop up shop will open its doors to the public just in time to snap up some one-of-a kind, quirky Christmas gifts, perfect for the man or woman who has everything. 24 carat gold leaf prints from INKIE and 28 colour screen prints from Drum and Bass legend Goldie, will be on offer to tickle your festive fancy GOOD WORK, KEEP GOING.

Other stocking filler goodies including unique sculptures and toys will be on offer from *DEEP BREATH* Heavy Dave, Shoe, Inkie, Eine, Scalp Rot, Mysterious Al, Sickboy, Chew My Boxers, Insa, Zeus, Hush, Mau Mau, Stink-gasm, Kid Acne, Steff Plaetz, Chu, Shok 1, RYCA, Asthmatic Prawn, David Walker, Wazzock, China Mike, Part2ism, Ben Allen, Andy Council-House, Pure Evil, Shazer, George Morton Clark, Milk, Heavy Biscuits, Dora and Don. And Winky. And Blouse. I'VE MADE SOME OF THESE UP - CAN YOU GUESS WHICH ONES?

Heralding from the infamous Bristol School of Graffiti BAD WRITING ALERT, Inkie has been identified as one of the leading UK urban artists alongside Banksy, Nick Walker and Massive Attacks SHE MEANS MASSIVE ATTACK'S 3D. A dominant presence for over 2 SHE MEANS TWO decades on the international graffiti scene, Inkie’s trademark Ink Nouveau ladies and striking wildstyles draw from diverse inspiration ranging from *READS FROM OLD PRESS RELEASE* Art Nouveau, Ancient Architecture, Natural forms and Islamic Geometry. RIGHT YOU ARE.


A private press and buyers viewing will also take place on OH WOTEVA...

What's The Skinny?

This just in from an LiS reader who works for a serious internet "journal".

Would you please just fack out of my inbox with your awful press release.

---------- Forwarded message ----------
From: George [georgia@freewheelinmedia.com]
Date: 2009/11/26
Subject: DEC 7th RELEASE ** Skinny Lister- 'December'- 7th December**

**DECEMBER SINGLE & ONES TO WATCH**

Hello!

Skinny Lister is a harmonious wonder OH GOD, HERE WE GO of modern musical times, totally at one with the 'old style days' WHAT IN THE NAME OF EVERYTHING WE HOLD HOLY DOES 'OLD STYLE DAYS' ACTUALLY MEAN? where humanity and nature weremore SHE MEANS "WERE MORE" closely aligned, before concrete towers BOO! and obstructed horizons DOUBLE-BOO! reduced emotions to a monotonous average OH DO ME A FAVOUR LOVE.

Where folk danced in the countryside PAGING ALL FIRST YEAR THOMAS HARDY STUDENTS, hand in hand with lovers, while friends played their tunes and melodies under the ever-changing skies PERHAPS IF SOMEONE COULD KILL ME NOW? THANKS.

Their second single ‘December’, taken from their forthcoming album scheduled to SHE MEANS "FOR" release next year, is a rich track full of familiarity SO IT'S LIKE A LOAD OF THINGS WE'VE ALREADY HEARD THEN, GREAT!, winter warmth and melancholic memories TITILLATE ME WITH ALLITERATION!. Featuring a beautifully heart felt acoustic arrangement IE BORING ACOUSTIC TWANGING which sets the scene for winters, long days, falling leaves and times from days gone by YOU NEED TO GET OVER THIS 'DAYS GONE BY' CRAP, REAL TALK.

Their beautiful debut track ‘Plough & Orion’ was picked up by 6Music, BBC2‘s ‘The Cut’, Artrocker Magazine, The Independent amongst other *SNOOZES PEACEFULLY*. Skinny Lister’s beautiful songwriting and intimate artrock performances showcase their talents to a tee; sometimes sombre yet sweet in nature and gentle to the ear, a sense of timelessness and creativity make the Skinny Lister experience laid back and effortlessly enjoyable IN SHORT: CATASTROPHICALLY BORING GUITAR TWIDDLERS IN SILLY HATS THEN.

Andre And Buena: Together At Last!

Sometimes I feel sorry for a PR who is, y'know, trying their best, but just doesn't have the skills to get one past a magnificently unforgiving newspaper professional...

Dear LiS

They lost me at "Fans go wild"...

FWD MESSAGE______________________________
From: "Eleanor" [eleanor@bornfree.org.uk]

SUBJECT: WORLD EXCLUSIVE: FANS GO WILD AS PETER ANDRE AND MUTYA BUENA ANNOUNCE THAT THEY WILL PERFORM ‘UNCONDITIONAL’ FOR THE FIRST TIME TOGETHER AT BORN FREE’S WILD & LIVE

7.30pm SATURDAY 14th NOVEMBER 2009, ROYAL ALBERT HALL



Fans of Peter Andre and ex Sugababe Mutya Buena CAN SOMEONE RESERVE EIGHT SEATS NOW PLEASE will get a unique opportunity to see the two stars "STARS" perform together for the first time in public; at Born Free’s star studded WILD & LIVE at the Royal Albert Hall. Their one-off appearance will set the show alight I WOULD RATHER BE SET ALIGHT THAN SUFFER EVEN ONE SECOND OF THESE TWO BOW-LEGGED, ARSE-FACED, WALL-EYED, CROW-FOOTED, MOUTH-BREATHING, NOSE-PICKING, WASHED-UP SQUAWKERS with a version of Peter’s new single ‘Unconditional’, tipped to be No 1 when it is released next week. AMAZING (IE, NOT AMAZING).

Following Pete’s announcement on Facebook FACEBOOK! BRILLIANT! that he was scheduled to perform at WILD & LIVE in advance of his ‘Revelation Tour’ in 2010, the Born Free offices were inundated by calls from excited fans. SID AND DORIS BONKERS, CALLING FROM NEASDEN ON BEHALF OF THEIR GOD-DAUGHTER, CANAPE (CURRENTLY ON LOCK-DOWN *SAD FACE*).

At the eagerly anticipated WILD & LIVE both Pete and Mutya will perform several of their chart hits THAT'LL BE GOOD before joining together for ‘Unconditional’.

Mutya was in the original chart topping Sugababe line up and the band went on to become one of the most successful UK girl bands in British history, with four platinum selling albums, six number one singles, a BRIT-Award as well as a platinum-selling greatest hits album. THEN SHE LEFT AND HER CAREER DIED LIKE A LOUSE IN A RUSSIAN'S BEARD, REMEMBER THAT BIT?

Peter is now a much loved household name OH DO FACK OFF with a huge and loyal fan base YEAH. He has achieved 8 top 5 singles in the UK alone, including four number 1s. His new single GET ON WITH IT...

WILD & LIVE takes place at the Royal Albert Hall on Saturday 14th November at 7:30pm where Peter and Mutya will be joined by an international line-up of top stars from the world of music and entertainment. Including THIS IS THE REALLY GOOD BIT

Bryan Adams (OK, STAR), Martin Clunes (MORE OF A TWAT THAN A STAR, TBH), Beverley Craven (HAHAHAHAHA), Karen Hardy (WHO SHE?) and Mark Ramprakash (WHO HE?), Gabriella Cilmi (NOT A STAR), Kiki Dee (HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA) and Carmelo Luggeri (WHO HE?), Rolf Harris (STAR), Tony Mortimer (HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA), Robert Wells (WHO HE?), Fuse (WHO THEY?), African Drummers (WHAT, ALL OF THEM?), Fire Poet (EH?), Inspire Choir (WHO?), Nick Knowles (COCK-END), Donal and Ameera MacIntyre (COCK-ENDS), John Altman (THEY MEAN NICK COTTON), Michael McKell (WHO HE?), Gary Webster (WHO HE?) and Wendy Turner (WHO SHE?), Rula Lenska (AMAZING), Anneka Rice (NOT AMAZING), Catriona Wiles (WHO SHE?) and Partner (WHO?) Virginia McKenna (DESERVES HIGHER BILLING), Joanna Lumley (DESERVES MUCH HIGHER BILLING), Graham Norton (TWAT), Lady Victoria Hervey (HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA), Helen Worth (THEY MEAN GAIL TILSLEY), Mark Austin (WHO HE?).


Marking the 25th Anniversary of the Born Free Foundation, funds raised from the concert will help save the lives of over 25,000 animals in the wild and alleviate the suffering of animals in captivity, including many threatened and endangered species OH NEVER MIND ABOUT ALL THAT SHIT, WHEN'S NICK COTTON ON?).

A special range of WILD & LIVE merchandise has been produced including specially designed T.Shirts and ribbons and with profits from the sale of each item going to save the OH WOTEVA...

He's The Simon Cowell Of Urinals, Apparently

This just in from an LiS operative working undercover. Claiming you're the "Simon Cowell" of anything is so reductive and pointless, so leaden and tiresome and silly and misguided and useless it makes my teeth ache. To say you're the Simon Cowell of Pissoirs - indeed, to trumpet the idea in a press release - is to shout from the very rooftops that you are a lumpen oaf. It is Titanically awful. Still, as long as your name "gets about", eh.

Forwarded Message
From: Alex Garvey [alex@londonpragency.com]
Date: Tue, 3 Nov 2009 15:08:36 -0000
Subject: I'm The Simon Cowell of urinals

Hi – would you like to feature this? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! NO.

“I’m the Simon Cowell of urinals!”

He’s created everything - from door knobs for Sir Elton John to luxurious clubs for A-listers and places for ladies who lunch in Harvey Nichols…to kebab shops and park benches in the Midlands THE MIDLANDS - THAT'S WHERE POOR PEOPLE LIVE :( Now interior designer Philip Watts is staging a retrospective, back at the university where it all began.

He says: “It’s our guiding philosophy to take uninteresting, unloved objects and breathe new life into them, make them exciting.

“We’ve turned our attention to objects as disparate as urinals, door handles and cigarette bins. Anything unloved and uninteresting, let’s play with it and make it stimulating and exciting. OH AMAZING.

“I suppose I have a fascination with objects, I say, ‘God, you’re dull. Why are you dull? There’s no need for you to be dull. THIS IS PRECISELY WHAT I WAS THINKING. Let’s make you good.’

“People LIKE WHO? say we give objects personality. It’s like the X Factor for the uninteresting architecture of life. I am the Simon Cowell of urinals! We take boring objects and we turn them into stars and then send them out into the OH CHRIST ALRIGHT, GIVE IT A REST...

Blind Stupidity

It's been a while, sorry. Had a lot on.

This just in from an LiS operative embedded in the field. And stuff.

Dear LiS,

Some time back I sent you a monumentally stupid press release about net curtains unfairly being the butt of music hall jokes - unfair because of how they stop burglars getting into your house and all that.

I now feel I was a little harsh on senders of that first email. For I have now been sent another release - about window dressings, again - which is so horrifically dreadful I am convinced it is sent to me in malice. I shall resist self-harming however, and hoping you don't mind too much, will send it to you to do with it as you will. I'm upset, you can imagine.

To be fair, it is not all bad. I can't deny I enjoyed the reference to "canopes" and the use of "!" where there really is no need, although I do like the graph demonstrating just how each type of blind connects with different areas of the UK.


----- Forwarded 27/10/2009 16:20
FROM: "Kirsty Hunt" [khpr@btinternet.com]
SUBJECT: Where we live affects window dressing, reveals research

Where we live has a huge influence on our choice of window dressing, according to research published today.

A new report has revealed that homeowners living in the Midlands opt for Vertical blinds, as do those in the South East. Whereas people living in the North West like the simplicity of Venetian blinds, the South West has a preference for Pleated and those in the North East, Scotland, Ireland and Wales favour Roller blinds THIS IS AMAZING STUFF - KEEP GOING!

And according to Jenny Eaton from NAME DELETED Northampton “MIDLANDERS LIKE THEIR PRIVACY”. DID SHE SCREAM IT LIKE THAT TOO? IS SHE MAD? She said, “Northampton, like many Midlands-based towns, has quite a few terraced houses where the front room window looks out on to the street. Vertical blinds are the best equivalent to net curtains, which are now considered old fashioned, and offer privacy without blocking out too much light, which is why I think they’re so popular.” I THINK I LOVE YOU, JENNY.

The study was carried out by NAME DELETED Blinds, one of the UK and Ireland’s largest retailers of blinds, shutters and awnings.

Homeowners in the South East are adopting the trend for shutters faster than anywhere else in the UK and Ireland, with twice as many customers fitting shutters in their homes. INCREDIBLE - THIS IS THE SORT OF INCISIVE STUFF WE'D PROBABLY LOSE IN A "FREEMIUM"-LED UNIVERSE.

More awnings and canopes CANOPES! LIKE CANOPIES, ONLY NOT QUITE AS USEFUL IN THE RAIN (OR THE SUN) are also sold in the South East than the rest of the country – it must be the weather! YES! HAHAHAHAHA! IT MUST BE!

General Manager of NAME DELETED Blinds Gary Chambers said: “I WANTED TO BE A TRAIN DRIVER OR AN ASTRONAUT. OR EVEN A POLICEMAN. BUT NO. I SELL BLINDS. FRANKLY, IT WOULD BE BETTER IF I'D NEVER BEEN BORN [sad face]. We started to see some general trends and decided to delve deeper into different regions’ buying decisions and style choice. We thought there would be more OH, ALRIGHT, "GARY". GIVE IT A REST.

“We knew shutters were really taking off in the South East, but it was interesting to see that Roller Blinds were the most popular option in Scotland. YES, THAT MUST HAVE BEEN AN AMAZING DAY IN THE OFFICE WHEN THAT NEWS CAME IN! I BET YOU LOT AT NAME DELETED BLINDS MUST HAVE GONE FACKING MENTAL WHEN THE WHOLE "ROLLER BLINDS IN SCOTLAND" INFO BEGAN TO FILTER THROUGH ON THE OLD TICKER-TAPE MACHINE. I SEE DOLLY-BIRD SECRETARIES KISSING FLUSTERED MANAGING DIRECTORS, JUNIOR OFFICE CLERKS DREAMING OF AN EXTRA HALF OF MILD AT LUNCHTIME AND THE ENTIRE SALES-FORCE SAT IN LINE IN THE CAR-PARK REVVING THEIR SIERRAS. WHAT A DAY. WHAT A DAY!

“Shutters, Verticals and Venetians offer more privacy over roller and roman blinds so maybe this says something about people living in these regions!” CHRIST, YES! IT DOES! IT REALLY DOES!

He added: “The best selling blind in the whole of the UK is the Roller blind.” GARY, YOU ARE THE MOST INCREDIBLE MAN. THANK YOU! FROM ALL OF US! THANK YOU!

To find your nearest NAME DELETED Blinds stockist visit www.GOOGLE.co.uk or call DIRECTORY ENQUIRIES

Banksy and Thom Yorke: It's A Twat Trap

This is tiresomely awful. I mean actually wearying.

Dear LiS

This is the biggest load of rubbish I have ever read in my entire life.

yours

A concerned citizen.

Beta Culture [contact@betaculture.org]
Subject: Yorke denies Banksy video
Date: 24 September, 2009 01:14:34 PM BST

For immediate release:

Thom Yorke denies connection to Banksy video.

Media artist OR, IF YOU PREFER, "TWAT", Raymond Salvatore Harmon manipulated major media outlets AMAZING! this past week who reported on his Thom Yorke/Banksy music video mashup OH CHRIST, OFF WE GO AGAIN as an 'official Yorke video.'

In an act that has been labeled as 'art terrorism' BY WHOM? and 'video graffiti' BY WHOM? hundreds of major media sources have reported over the past 3 days that a video piece created by YOU'VE DONE THIS BIT Harmon was in fact the 'official' video from Thom Yorke.

Utilizing a "seizure inducing array of Banksy imagery" *STIFLES EPIC, MOUTH-SPLITTING YAWN* the video presents itself as a music video for Radiohead frontman YOU'VE DONE THIS BIT TOO Thom Yorke's recently released "the Hollow Earth" THEY MEAN "The Hollow Earth" single.

With a simple 300 word press release UNLIKE THIS ONE Harmon was able to generate tens of thousands of hits and extensive coverage in major media outlets such as the BBC, Pitchfork, Rolling Stone, Entertainment Weekly, the Guardian, Dose DOSE!, and a TV spot from the ITN network ITN! BLESS! video feed in as little as 48 hours THAT'S ACTUALLY A REALLY LONG TIME.

The lack of fact-checking and lax in reporting THIS DOESN'T MEAN ANYTHING from major media outlets outlines the weakness of information structures in today's news and
media spectrum OH, PISS OFF YOU TWATS. Harmon's use of such iconic British personalities as Yorke and graffiti artist Banksy (whose identity is still uncertain WHICH MEANS HE'S HARDLY "ICONIC", EH?) as bait has lead to much speculation about truth in reporting NO IT HASN'T, YOU PISS-ANTS.

The images used in the video outline Banksy's commentary on such icons as Mickey Mouse and Ronald Mcdonald THEY MEAN "McDonald", VERY LAX FACT-CHECKING THERE yet incorporate Banksy's work much the way Banksy himself uses corporate imagery as social commentary WOULD ALL POLYTECHNIC OF SOUTH IDIOTSHIRE FIRST YEAR SOCIOLOGY STUDENTS LINE UP HERE, PLEASE.

Harmon describes the piece as a work of his art "ART", both as an experimental video piece and as a commentary on the state of corporate controlled media and news outlets HE IS, LIKE, THE NEW WARHOL OR SOMETHING.

A spoke person THEY MEAN "spokesperson" VERY LAX FACT-CHECKING THERE for Yorke has asked Youtube THEY MEAN "YouTube" VERY LAX FACT-CHECKING THERE to remove the video even though 7 THEY MEAN "seven" VERY LAX FACT-CHECKING THERE other versions of the Yorke audio for the Hollow Earth THEY MEAN "The Hollow Earth" VERY LAX FACT-CHECKING THERE are currently available on the Youtube THEY MEAN "YouTube" VERY LAX FACT-CHECKING THERE site. Many of the media outlets have altered their reporting to say 'unofficial' by simply adding 'un' to the text without removing or altering it in any other way OH CHRIST, REALLY?

Speculation concerning the potential of hidden subliminal content OH YEAH, RIGHT within the film has surrounded the reasoning behind Yorke's decision to have it pulled from Youtube THEY MEAN "YouTube" VERY LAX FACT-CHECKING THERE despite the other videos remaining available.

The Hollow Earth video is still available through most of OH ALRIGHT WE GET THE MESSAGE YOU TEDIOUS LITTLE WORMS

Rock Balls: Part 374108

Bands, please! Employ someone who can write when you want something written! It's not hard, is it? There are a million under-worked journalists out there who can knock you up a decent biog in, like, an hour and they only want paying in drink.

Thanks to the treasured LiS operative who winged me this earlier, saying:

This is great, what I particularly appreciate is the contrast between the sonorous prose and the silly, silly band name.

---------- Forwarded message ----------
From: [simon@ilikepress.co.uk]
Date: 2009/9/14
Subject: SEA OF REGRETS - I LIKE TRAINS Pre Order today

Good Afternoon All HE MEANS "afternoon all"

I Like Trains are no longer in mourning AMAZING START!. Though they still remember the past, gone are the black threads which adorned their funeral waltz along YOU'RE LOSING ME HERE with songs of tragedy GREAT!, despair GREAT!, insanity GREAT! and loss GREAT!. Whilst the Leeds quartet made their name charting history’s forgotten heroes OH SHIT, HERE WE GO and injustices, there is only so long you can look backwards before you have to start looking to the future THAT IS LIKE, SO TRUE.

“Some things are better left forgotten, or the weight of the world will crush your bones” THAT IS PROPERLY DEEP, LIKE IT'S FROM A POEM OR SOMETHING

Sea of Regrets, the lead single from the forthcoming as yet untitled 2nd COULDN'T YOU BE BOTHERED TO WRITE "second"? WOULD IT HAVE ASKED TOO MUCH OF YOU TO DO THAT? LP due out early next year is a Limited edition/ Self produced CAPS! AMAZING! release and is available to pre-order from today, check the official BLAHBLAHBLAH.

After a second stage slot at Latitude festival, several European festivals and a tour with Sisters of Mercy OH BLIMEY over the summer, they’re not staying under the radar at home for much longer YES, THERE'S NOTHING LIKE A EUROPEAN TOUR WITH A WASHED UP VERSION OF A GOTH BAND WHO SPLIT UP A QUARTER OF A CENTURY AGO TO REALLY KICK-START A YOUNG BAND'S CAREER.

October’s tour and the first single from their new album – a gorgeous tunefest and a departure from the more staid and sombre HE MEANS BORING earlier recordings – signal a new assault on the country’s ears GREAT, WE WANT OUR EARS TO BE ASSAULTED.

I Like Trains are available for features, HE MEANS "AND" interviews before and during their October tour (dates below), both on the phone and in person. THERE'S NOTHING LIKE PLAYING HARD TO GET, IS THERE?

The new single is released on OH, WOTEVA...

Shock News Just In

A tall "model" thinks being tall is quite good. Having said that, y'know, short people are alright too. I hope Jenay at Yellow Door cried herself to sleep for at least a week after putting her name to this bollocks.

Thanks to the senior LiS operative who sent this in.

This is priceless.

Being tall makes you happier, and the evidence is Lisa Butcher, who goes on to say "On the other hand there’s a huge amount of powerful people in this world that are not tall like Margaret Thatcher, Madonna, Tom Cruise, Nicolas Sarkozy."

Begin forwarded message:

From: Jenay Goultekin [JenayG@yellow-door.com]
Date: 11 September 2009 10:49:18 BDT
Subject: FW: Tall people survey just out - Model Lisa Butcher shares her thoughts!

Hi there,

I thought this might be of interest, a new study in America claims that tall people are happier with their lives… see attached release for further information relating to fashion and supermodel Lisa Butchers SHE MEANS "LISA BUTCHER'S" own thoughts on the subject ATTACHED!

Do get in touch for any tall fashion or Lisa Butcher enquiries FULL STOP HERE, THX

Best wishes

Jenay

I Don't Know What This Means: 2

What is a Camden Wedge anyway? Is it something NOBODY CARES about?

Dear Lost in Showbiz
I knew the very moment I signed up for this I was in for years of heartache. And I've not been disappointed. I get one of these emails almost every day, written by some wag who hopes to make the comedy big time as they think someone at Hattrick might read it and whisk them from their PR hell to a writing gig on Have I Got News For You.

Anyway, all emails from Camden Wedge now go directly to my junk mail box, but I thought I'd share the latest one with you as an example of how to irritate those who've signed up to your scheme so much that they have actively and decisively cut their Wedge cards in two.

Cheers, AN IMPORTANT MEDIA PERSON

FROM: Camden Town [Mail@turninglondonon.com]
Subject: Is it a Wedge? Is it a plane?

Tuesday I've got Monday on my mind... EH?

All this talk of me getting back into a routine of NOBODY CARES Monday newsletters has gone to hell in a hand basket already hasn't it NOBODY CARES? No sooner had I spouted off about the merits of a regular newsletter NOBODY CARES, something that you can all rely on in this mixed up, muddled up, crazy world NOBODY CARES and then BAM! My crazy left ear goes all mental again NOBODY CARES and makes the act of standing worthy of medals NOBODY CARES. So here I am, late but no doubt more entertaining NOBODY CARES than ever (I improve each day, best remember that) NOBODY CARES, BEST REMEMBER THAT.

There are some tasty and soothing Wedge Card deals on offer this week to help comfort us into the fact that there is no Indian Summer, and that we've skipped out the rest of Autumn too, and gone straight smack into the cold, dark and rather overdone winter GET TO THE POINT. Seriously, winter's like that drunk guy at the pub OH PLEASE DON’T DO THIS YOU ARSE with one story that he can't remember who he's told it to, so you hear it about a thousand times before you and your friends “FRIENDS” inevitably do a runner from pub while he's gone to the loo (if you ARE that guy, sorry we totally couldn't find you THIS BIT IS RUBBISH when we went to leave. Sorry.)

So steel yourself and delve into the world of Wedge NOBODY CARES with some tasty delights to help distract you from the weather. Like a bunch of keys NOBODY CARES being jangled in front of a baby NOBODY CARES. Think of me like that. Ahead of a major website overhaul NOBODY CARES we have upgraded your Wedge experience NOBODY CARES so that each Wedge Card offer has it's own page NOBODY CARES and it's now much easier to navigate around NOBODY CARES. Hooray I hear you cry from across Camden Town, and OH CHRIST ALRIGHT YOU CAN STOP NOW.

My Rock Biog Hell: Alita's Purse

Are they called Alita's Purse? Oh, I can't remember, anyway, who cares? A biog like this is going to turn off way more people than will ever listen to the band. Why do people do it? Why didn't someone go, 'You can't send this out as your biog, it's laughably bad! It's one ball-aching cliche after another. Haven't you got even one tiny slice of imagination? Oh, hang on, apparently it doesn't matter because your HARD ROCKING and DEDICATED and stuff. My mistake!'

Thanks to the senior LiS operative that sent me this.

From: Bill Cummings
Date: 2009/9/10
Subject: Alita’s Curse release their new download single ‘BLAH’ on BLAHBLAH
To: Alita's Curse Info [alitascurse@live.co.uk]
Hello there,

I'd like to introduce you (if you haven't heard of them before GOOD START!) to a new rock band from London I'm working with called Alita's Curse BAD NAME. They have a new download single AMAZING! out BLAH. If you'd like a hard copy to review it can be arranged because hey HE MEANS "THEY" are currently being sent out to many radio and press outlets REALLY? THIS BAND MUST BE GOOD IF THEY'RE SPAMMING, LIKE, THE FLY WITH THEIR STUFF. You can hear the single and other tracks on their BORING BLOG or alternatively if you'd like the download to review off there's a yousend BORING!. Press release below, and artwork attached. We welcome all features, reviews, airplay and interviews YES, I'M SURE...

cheers

“Delicious – designed to turn a crowd into a sea of flailing limbs NICE. Fans of rock with a twist NICER should be feasting NICEST on it!”

8/10 Rock Pulse Zine THE MIGHTY ROCK PULSE ZINE HAVE SPOKEN PEOPLE! LISTEN UP!


Hard rocking HARD ROCKING! London based four piece Alita’s Curse release their new single ‘BLAH’ as a download only BAD LUCK release through BLAH on BLAH. It’s backed up by explosive EXPLOSIVE! LIKE AN EXPLOSION! live track ‘BLAH’, which will be available completely FREE via BLAH on the same date.

Alita’s Curse burst CLICHE ALERT onto the London scene CLICHE ALERT n 2009 with a sound that’s steeped CLICHE ALERT in the hard-edged power CLICHE ALERT of their addictive CLICHE ALERT rock songs. Their new single ‘BLAH melds CLICHE ALERT the insatiable melodies MEANINGLESS CLICHE ALERT of Guns and Roses HE MEANS GUNS N' ROSES with the explosive CLICHE ALERT, unstoppable CLICHE ALERT old school rock CLICHE ALERT of early Black Sabbath CLICHE ALERT, but crucially CLICHE ALERT it’s shot through CLICHE ALERT with their own experiences CLICHE ALERT of relationships HE MEANS THEY GOT DUMPED ONCE in the modern world and this is what makes them stand out CLICHE ALERT from the crowd. It’s a sound forged on hard work CLICHE ALERT, constant gigging CLICHE ALERT and a complete conviction CLICHE ALERT in everything they do.


In early 2009 they played their debut live show in front of a 700 strong crowd at Camden’s Dingwalls, and instantly CLICHE ALERT turned the mob CLICHE ALERT into a pit of fans gagging for more BULLSHIT CLICHE ALERT. Immediately following this with a headline show at IBAR "NEVER HEARD OF IT": THE WORLD, they turned in a bigger crowd than signed support act Imperial Vipers BIGGER THAN THE VIPERS' CROWD? BUT THEY'RE SIGNED? THAT'S AMAZING. The band were then offered a headline gig at Monto Water Rats in June when the venue’s promoter reacted to the buzz the Curse have created since the debut gig in April THIS BIT NEEDS A LOT OF WORK. This comes after another headline slot at the famous Purple Turtle "NEVER HEARD OF IT": THE WORLD in Camden on May 24th. Look out for more live dates this winter in support of their new single.


Earlier this year their powerhouse sound CLICHE ALERT caught the ear CLICHE ALERT of TV production giants BLAHBLAH who contacted Alita’s Curse to film them performing for a new multi million dollar BLAH Channel show titled “BLAH BLAH BLAH” filmed at Kentish Town’s HMV Forum. The show will be broadcast worldwide in BLAH.

Since then they’ve gained GAINED! radio play with Totalrock radio who also offered the band a festival slot AMAZING!, Xfm on John Kennedy’s Xposure show, and most prominently Ian Camfield's The Rock Show with debut release "BLAH" - Alita’s Curse are becoming a force CLICHE ALERT to be reckoned with CLICHE ALERT. The band will continue recording their debut album “BLAH BLAH” throughout the remainder of 2009 with more single releases to come between now and 2010.

ALITA’S CURSE

BLOKE 1 – vocals/guitar
BLOKE 2 – guitar
BLOKE 3 – bass
BLOKE 99 – drums

80s Crapfest PR Disaster

This heavily annotated email has just arrived from an LiS reader situated in the hot-seat of a hugely popular national newspaper. No cheery message either, they just went straight into it. Clearly a very busy person. Memo to PRs, sometimes it's worse when journalists do read your press release rather than when, as is more usual, they delete it without even glancing at the subject line as soon as it enters their inbox.

To: Sarah Priddis [sarah@mason-williams.com]
Subject: Interview opportunity - 80's brands SHE MEANS "80s" AND "BANDS"

Interview Opportunities with 80’s SHE MEANS "80s" chart toppers

80’s SHE MEANS "80s" chart toppers headline at Pub in the Park
Paul Young, T’Pau, ABC and Go West

What Pub in the Park
Where Greenwich Park, London

80’s ROGUE APOSTROPHE ALERT! fever is raging WHERE? and leading the call WHAT CALL? is Pub in the Park. London’s brand new festival of all things pub, ROGUE COMMA ALERT has put together the ultimate 80’s ROGUE APOSTROPHE ALERT revival night with some of the biggest names YOU MEAN U2, MADONNA AND PRINCE ARE PLAYING? from the much beloved BY WHOM? decade.

Taking place in Greenwich Park from 18-20 September, Pub in the Park is an exciting “EXCITING”! new three-day event, which celebrates an essential and unique “UNIQUE”! part of our culture - The Great British Pub. OH GET LOST.

Saturday 19 September at Pub in the Park will bring together the stars of the 80’s SHE MEANS “80s” – Go West, Paul Young, ABC and T’Pau *SAD FACE*

INTERVIEW OPPORTUNITIES
Paul Young- Perhaps one of the biggest names of the 80’s JESUS, JUST READ A GRAMMAR BOOK was Paul Young. Paul Young famously MARVIN GAYE SANG IT MORE A LITTLE MORE FAMOUSLY, DIDN'T HE sang 'Wherever I lay my hat’, a track that became the soundtrack to the summer of 1983 and kept the No. 1 position for three weeks WAS SUMMER 1983 ONLY THREE WEEKS LONG? This was the first of fourteen SHE MEANS “14” British Top 40 singles. 16 SHE MEANS “Sixteen” years later, he’s set to steal the show and make 2009 his summer all over again! NO HE'S NOT. AND IT'S NOT SUMMER, IT'S AUTUMN.

ABC- With the release of ‘Look of Love; The very best of ABC’ ABC celebrate their return to the recording studio IF IT'S A BEST-OF, IS IT REALLY A RETURN TO THE RECORDING STUDIO? with just two UK appearances this summer – Pub in the Park in Greenwich will be a much anticipated show BY WHOM? a band much praised in the 80’s CHRIST and still loved today.

Go West - Pop Duo Go West will lead the bill DOES THIS MEAN OPEN OR HEADLINE? Formed in 1982 by Peter Cox, Go West are best known for the smash hits, We Close Our Eyes and The King of Wishful Thinking. They continue to thrill crowds *SAYS NOTHING* at gigs all over the world WHERE?, and are currently writing more new material JESUS, THAT IS BAD NEWS – see it first I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT AT ALL, THANK YOU along with all your favourites *SAYS NOTHING AGAIN* at Pub in the Park.

Carol Decker / T’Pau- Led by Carol Decker YES, WE GUESSED, T’Pau has a string of top 40 hits BUT YOU CAN'T REMEMBER ANY OF THEIR NAMES, CAN YOU? in the late 80s in both the UK and the US following success on a Pepe Jeans ad that shot them to fame in the States THIS SENTENCE NEEDS A RE-WRITE. Carol hit the screens again last year as part of the ‘Here & Now’ 80s tour and is bring the EH? nostalgia of that brilliant decade THE DECADE WAS NOT NOSTALGIC AT THE TIME, WAS IT? SO IT WOULD BE NOSTALGIA FOR THAT BRILLIANT DECADE, WHICH WASN'T BRILLIANT. AND IF ALL THE OTHER ACTS ARE BRINGING THE NOSTALGIA, TOO, WHAT'S HER USP? to Pub in the Park in September.

The Pub in the Park 80s night will be kick started by Two Choices WHO?. Hailed as the best new indie rock band of 2009 at the Unsigned Awards THE WHAT?, Two Choices are no strangers to playing the pub scene NO, THEY'RE PROBABLY NOT and have been tipped for great things BY WHOM? Not forgetting that they come from legendary stock – this is Roger Daltrey’s son’s band OH, THEY’LL BE GOOD THEN.

Pub in the Park is everything we love about the Great British Pub celebrated in the stunning surroundings of Greenwich Park NOW, THE ONE THING I LOVE ABOUT MY GREAT BRITISH PUB IS THE CERTAINTY THAT I WILL NEVER HEAR PAUL YOUNG, GO WEST, ABC OR T'PAU THERE, SO THIS IS PLAINLY A LIE.

Sarah Priddis
Account Director

I Want To Break Free Of This Rubbish

The album's called Absolute Greatest. The press release has been filed under Absolute Bollocks. Queen are a terrible band, but even I think they deserve better than this.

Thanks to an LiS reader with a taste for olives for sending it in.

From: "O'Brien, Richard" [OBrienR@emigroup.com]
Date: 3 September 2009 10:35:03 BST
Subject: NEWS FROM EMI: Queen - Absolute Greatest hits package released November 9

QUEEN – ABSOLUTE GREATEST

20 Years of Biggest of Queen’s Biggest Hits - In music (and pictures & live performances) Four CD & Vinyl/Compact & Luxury Formats. 2 Digital formats.

Queen. Someone ought to erect a monument to them GREAT START! Think about it: they’ve ruled their game longer than many of our most famous leaders STARTING TO WOBBLE ALREADY, their words can be repeated by many more than can recite our most celebrated writers THIS IS GETTING UGLY NOW, and despite more than three generations passing since they first blasted their way into our consciences HE MEANS CONSCIOUSNESS, they’re just as omnipresent today as they ever were OH DEAR ME, THIS IS BAD. Just for starters (and more to follow):

- Queen are Britain’s favourite band: the BPI BLAHBLAHBLAH 50 years ago.

- Queen are the most BLAHBLAHBLAH 300 million records sold.

And let’s not forget Queen’s unmatched global dominance as live artists HE’S BEEN DEAD FOR 18 YEARS. There’s not a continent in the world Queen’s legendary tours haven’t touched down in, in many cases arriving ahead of anyone else: think South America, Mexico, the Eastern Bloc. AND SOUTH AFRICA! YOU FORGOT THAT ONE! And who but the wisest would know that even somewhere down there in the desert of Antarcticasits YOU WHAT? a permanent plaque bearing Queen’s name HAVE ANOTHER GO AT THIS ONE.

- Always ready to try something new, Queen brokerock YOU MEAN “BROKE ROCK” convention and created a stage musical THAT’S NOT “BREAKING CONVENTION” IT’S CALLED WALLET-EMPTYING BRAND BUILDING, We Will Rock You, and some eight years on it still sells out nightly in Londonand HE MEANS “LONDON AND” just recently their all-time worldwide audience crossed over the 10 million mark.

Beyond that, Queen continue to sell out concerts, are ready to lend their celebrity power unreservedly when they see just causes – such as Nelson Mandela’s 46664 campaign *SAYS NOTHING*; have quietly collected and distributed over $15 million dollars through their own charity the Mercury Phoenix Trust - fighting AIDS worldwide, and most telling of all, continue to be held in the highest esteem by the lead runners in today’s Rock Pack I LOVE ALL THE LEADING RUNNERS IN TODAY'S ROCK PACK, DON'T YOU? who cite the band’s influence over them in their founding years.

Let’s face it: few other acts have so embedded themselves into our lives that we can’t imagine a time when Queen weren’t around, or can imagine such a time in the future. THIS BIT IS BALLS.

So what is it about Queen that makes it all so? SO WHAT?

You have to look no further than the BLAHBLAH all comes from.

Charting over 21 years of making people rock OUCH!, feel OUCH!, sense MAKING PEOPLE SENSE? and celebrate, Absolute Greatest reminds us just what fine, and smart, rock and pop writers and musicians Messrs "MESSRS" AMAZING! Deacon, May, Mercury and Taylor were (are SAD FACE). Also that they had a sense of humour, which is perhaps another thing that made them so accessible. ONE OF THE ALL-TIME BAD SENTENCES OF ALL-TIME THERE.

The earliest hit presented here, Seven Seas of Rhye (1974) reminds us of those days when we wondered about why they had chosen the name Queen PERHAPS ONE OF THEM WAS A HOMOSEXUAL?, whether they really were just an arrogant bunch pushing their luck in Zandra Rhodes frocks and black nail varnish AMAZING, or whether they really were the future of Progressive Rock? KILL ME NOW To make us further wonder, they didn’t stop there - they went on to defiantly title their next single Killer Queen. OH CHRIST PLEASE DON’T GO THROUGH ALL OF THEM.

Then they flashed the wit and made us all smile and feel good at the same time with those jaunty ditties JAUNTY DITTIES! like Crazy Little Thing Called Love, Radio Ga Ga, and I Want To Break Free. And hell, who would have thought that Roger Taylor would look so fetching in that pre-Britney schoolgirl outfit? KILL ME AGAIN. HARDER THIS TIME.

And if you wanted a mass celebration, who better than Queen, who could bond tens of thousands of total strangers and get them chanting or arm-waving in unison to May’s terse TERSE? TERSE? We Will Rock You or Mercury’s more emotionally charged We Are The Champions.

They could at the drop of a hat be romantic, as Deacon proved with You’re My Best Friend, or friends to heartbreak, as we saw in Mercury’s Somebody to Love or May’s Who Wants to Live Forever.

Queen provided a mood and backdrop for every time and every occasion, and were often at their best when they went for almost breath-taking high drama: aided by David Bowie they gave us the brooding heart pounding rhythms of Under Pressure, the operatically ballistic THAT’S “OPERATICALLY BALLISTIC”, PEOPLE! Bohemian Rhapsody, and perhaps the ultimate curtain-call rock song, The Show Must Go On.

A joyous celebration of Queen’s - and many of our own - greatest BLAH this collection.

In a limited-edition BLAH performances.

OK - so it should not be expected we will see the likenesses of Queen carved into Mount Rushmore PERHAPS IF THEY WERE AMERICAN. OR POLITICIANS or find their way to a Trafalgar Square plinth (now there’s an AWFUL idea), so for the moment let’s accept that Absolute Greatest will serve as a terrific tribute to a monumental music YOU MEAN MUSICAL history. Ah, these are (indeed) the days of our lives. AMAZING FINISH – TAKE REST OF DAY OFF!

Dead Man Walker-ing

There's something unutterably sad about this. Personally, I couldn't give a monkey's about Ian Walker. I don't know him, don't care about him, certainly don't wish him any ill will. But even I - as someone who cares not one jot about football - knows there's no such team as "Leicestershire". Even the quickest, most I'm-on-my-way-out-the-door-to-M&S-but-quickly-fire-up-Wikipedia glance at the internet would have told Sue at "Celebagents" that the "Celeb" she's "agent" for played for Leicester City. On the upside, I love the mystery of why Walker's in the UK "for a while". Court appearance? Visitation rights? Buy-to-let empire going tits up? Poorly nana? And I have to admit I love Sue's use of "e mail", like it's still 1998 and everyone says, "Oh, I love the information superhighway! I've just seen this amazing website with a dancing baby! It's hilarious! You can see it at h,t,t,p, all lower case, yes, um, is it a slash or a colon after that? Uhm, well..."

Thanks to the seasoned LiS operative situated in a city with a mighty castle for this beauty.

Astrology! Astronomy! What's The Difference?

Well, according to someone who is, I read, Head of Publicity at Carlton Publishing Group, not very much at all. Which is a shame as, to be honest, they're actually quite different. And suggesting your client is into one rather than another completely undercuts everything he has to say. And makes him - and you - sound ridiculous. So that's a shame.

Thanks to an LiS General situated in a tall glass building for this.

I think this person might find that Brian May is, in fact, an astronomer - with a PhD in astro physics. An astrologer has no qualifications whatsoever and simply makes stuff up about people (depending on what day they were born, not that it's important when they were born as, like I said, they've made it all up anyway).

But thanks for the heads-up.

From: A person who has asked, politely, for their name to be removed
Subject: BRIAN MAY to launch his astrology book, BANG!, on 5th September

Everyone knows Brian May for being the lead guitarist in the legendary rock band QUEEN, but not everyone knows he is also an expert in astrology and has written a book all about it - BANG!

On 5th September award winning Bookstore, Torbay Bookshop, will be launching the new paperback edition of the BANG! with Brian May and the two other authors Chris Lintott and Sir Patrick Moore signing copies of the book for the public.

At least 500 people are expected to come and see the legendary rock star, now converted to academic GREAT SENTENCE, IN FACT, THAT'S THE KIND OF SENTENCE ONLY A HEAD OF PUBLICITY COULD REALLY BE EXPECTED TO COME UP WITH! All three authors will be available, this one time only, for press interviews.

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A Person Who Once Was
Head of Publicity
Carlton Publishing Group
20 Mortimer Street
London W1T 3JW

Amaze PR, Home Of The Amazing Balls Up

The ridiculousness of this actually makes my head spin. Thanks to the LiS reader situated a long way away on the edge of a desert for sending this in between spa treatments. Click on the image and read at your leisure. If I worked at Amaze PR I'd feel as if I'd really been put In My Place, but A Rush Of Blood To The Head like this one could, I suppose, Fix You in the end. So Viva La Vida!