IKEA: Keeping The Customer Happy!

No one, especially not me, expects PRs to think of the people they're punting whatever it is they're being paid to punt that week as real human beings, but, they could try a little harder than this, surely? Or, as an LiS reporter has it:

"FirstName"? Idiots...

---------
Forwarded Message
17 Oct 2008
[pruk@memo.ikea.com] wrote:
Hi FirstName
Please find attached information on the fifth IKEA soft toy camapign which aims to raise money for UNICEF and Save the Children. For more information on the campaign, please contact us here in the IKEA Press Office - we would love to hear from you!

Best wishes,

The IKEA Press Office [pruk@memo.ikea.com]

The Price Is Nice

If I was a woman - and who knows, perhaps I am - I would be perfectly happy to buy Grazia and "quaff" rosé and carry a statement handbag, but I would draw the line at "scented towels and liners". Scented towels and liners? Are you stark, staring mad? Let this message ring out to Big Business: you have now, officially, gone too far and I hereby withdraw my support. Or, as a senior LiS reporter has it:

It's all downhill after the age of 30, ladies! As for these products, "you can find them in all major chemists and supermarkets, priced from £X" That much? And lastly, what it is with all the "saying that" stuff? Is this a proviso, or a clarification? Agh...

Lexicon Of Guff

Note to Vickie North at Finn Comms. You can't introduce "a new lexicon to fashionistas", however much you might like it. The lexicon, according to Wikipedia, "organises the vocabulary of a language according to certain principles and it contains a generative device producing (new) simple and complex words according to certain lexical rules." And you don't spell Agyness Deyn like that either.

But thanks for trying. This just in from an LiS operative:

As a regular reader of your blog I just spotted this on the PR grapevine and thought I'd share. I’m not quite sure adding one (rather poor) word counts as introducing a "new lexicon" – methinks the PR in question needs to check her own lexicon and learn the meaning of the word. Also, I'm not sure how "Audery Hepburn" would feel about being ranked alongside Kate Moss and Twiggy, but I reckon, if nothing else, she'd be peeved to see her name spelled incorrectly. Hey ho.

----------------
FORWARDED MESSAGE
FROM: vickie.north@finncomms.com
PRECIOUS MONKEY JEWELLERY LAUNCHES CLICKOUTURE FOR CHRISTMAS

Jewellery shopping, as we know it, is set for an almighty shake-up, as The Precious Monkey Jewellery Company opens its online doors in time for Christmas. A unique and ingenious web-based concept, Precious Monkey Jewellery offers people the chance to design their own exquisite and bespoke pieces of jewellery at the click of a button (www.preciousmonkeyjewellery.co.uk). A true world first, Precious Monkey Jewellery has introduced a new lexicon to fashionistas: ‘Clickouture’, the ability to design and create couture jewellery on-line, at any time.

Feeling adventurous and bursting at the seams with creative flair? Whether it’s in the style of Audery Hepburn SHE MEANS AUDREY or Kate Moss, Twiggy or Agyness Dene SHE MEANS DEYN, Precious Monkey Jewellery puts the design in the hands of the wearer. The website provides a blank canvas on which a unique silver necklace, pendant, bracelet or earring can be created from scratch. Choose from a selection of cutting-edge shapes and elements, including ovals, stars and circles; attach these to a thick or thin chain, long or short; and add a touch of glamour with a sprinkling of diamonds and other precious gems.

The website gives a dimension of flexibility to Precious Monkey Jewellery that has never been seen before. Collections can be tweaked and changed within a matter of days to keep track of key fashion trends. Watch this space as the Launch Collection will shortly be followed by an array of chic designs that will whet the appetite of budding fashion followers. OH YES, DEFINITELY

Commenting on the launch, Liz Clothier, the company’s Fashion Director said: “BLAHBLAHBLAHBLAHBLAHBLAH.”

Structural Foam Is Where The Heart Is

Lots of people think that PR is all about hoovering up bad white wine and mini-burgers at the launch of terrible retail ideas by horse-faced Sloanes. It isn't. Someone out there has to look after "architectural panels" and "portable lightweight staging systems" too. And, happily, the people that do are less likely to wake up in the morning having done something revolting with a member of Razorlight. Having said that, they're not too dependable on their spelling of "aluminium" as they might be. This from an LiS reporter in the field:

The people over at Dragonfly PR are still ploughing the world's most boring furrow - can you imagine what it must be like to actually have to write this stuff?

From: Paul Batty [mailto:paul@dragonflypr.co.uk]
Sent: 10 October 2008 12:54
Subject: FW: Panel Systems - North Glasgow College

Hello again,
We've put together a press release about a recent development where Panel Systems has supplied Aluglaze to the North Glasgow College development; 560m² of aluminium infill panels on the new college building. The aluminum OH DEAR faces of the panels were finished in natural silver anodising to give the building an iconic and contemporary look. Panel Systems is one of the UK's leading manufacturers of insulation products, architectural panels, structural foams and portable lightweight staging systems.

CASE STUDY - OCTOBER 2008

PANEL SYSTEMS MAKES THE GRADE WITH NORTH GLASGOW COLLEGE

Pupils and staff at the newly built North Glasgow College in Springburn, Glasgow are set to benefit from market-leading ALUGLAZE® insulation panels fabricated and supplied by Panel Systems Ltd.

Local architects RMJM specified over 560m² of aluminium infill panels on the new college building. The aluminum faces of the panels were finished in natural silver anodising to give the building an iconic and contemporary look. Another major factor in specifying the panels was the fact that they provide extremely high levels of insulation, enabling the building to achieve strict sustainability requirements. I AM, LITERALLY, LOVING THIS!

ALUGLAZE® from Panel Systems consists of polyester powder-coated aluminium facing bonded to an insulating core of Styrofoam. Panel Systems worked closely with Solaglas Contracting to incorporate the panel design into their glazing system to create a truly stunning visual effect - Panel Systems supplied a projecting tray formed Aluglaze panel, which enabled the outside face of the panel to sit flush with the window system. THIS IS AMAZING STUFF!

This method of cladding is becoming a key element of many high profile city centre projects where aesthetics and thermal performance are paramount. ALUGLAZE® was therefore the perfect choice for this prestigious development HA! as it enabled the college to create a modern and comfortable learning environment that also met the highest levels of thermal performance. I'M BORED NOW :(

Jim Moultire, Senior Project Manager for Solaglas Contracting, explains: "BLAHBLAHBLAHBLAHBLAHBLAH."

It was important that the building met the relevant U-values to ensure thermal performance and energy efficiency, in line with latest regulations. INNIT! As a material with low density and low thermal conductivity, Styrofoam is excellent at providing buildings with OH WHATEVA, YEAH?

Who Fancies Joining Me In "Throttling Death By The Neck" For A Bit?

Sound the Dreadful PR Alarm - here comes another one. This just in from a senior LiS reporter right there at the scene of the awfulness:

Sometimes I sit at my desk and wonder what it could have been that killed and eviscerated and covered in boiling oil my once fine and true passion for music journalism. Then I'll get a message like this, and I'll go "Oh", and make an expression with my face like this.

I mean, I don't blame this PR in particular, he's just doing what they generally do, but, by God it's like the entire industry has had its imagination yanked out through its nose by one of those Egyptian hooks.


---------- Forwarded message ----------
From: Joe Gamp [joe@outpostmedia.co.uk]
Date: 2008/10/9

Hi there!

I just wanted to check if you have received the new Death Of The Neighbourhood album in your postbox as yet? It's the new project from Stephen Jones AKA Babybird.

Death of the Neighbourhood is an electronic punk album, a two chord manic messianic monster throttling death by the neck before giving it the kiss of life and making MUSIC, "the most beautiful fucking thing in the goddamn world". Expect skewed, grizzly hip hop beats with a harsh, punk-rock ethic, and plenty of critical observations about the death of the community, and the embrace of a scary, new world. Let me know what you think and whether you would be happy to put this on your lovely website in any way
______

PS: I have heard this record and it is so bad I actually yanked it out of the CD player and broke it in half. True story...

Who's For Some "Amazing Perfection"?

In these times of sniping and nit-picking, it's heartening to receive a press release that's just really badly written yet still full of wonderful self-importance.

Literally, Who Cares (Again)?

I'm all for "extreme censorship" if only it means we won't have to suffer nonsense like this that gets fwd'd to every person on the planet with an email address. Or, as a senior LiS reporter has it:

So, bloke we have never heard of can't wear t-shirt about an election we can't vote on, on TV programme we can't watch! Thank goodness he stuck it to the man and got round this 'extreme censorship' by wearing another crappy t-shirt and getting a half-wit PR to forward it around Britain. Good work!

---FORWARDED MESSAGE
FROM: Nita Keeler/Gold Star [nita@goldstarpr.com]
DATE: 09/10/08
SUBJECT: No Age vs. CBS

------ Forwarded Message
From: Randy Randall / NO AGE
Date: Wed, 8 Oct 2008 01:16:40 -0700 (PDT)
Subject: No Age vs. CBS

Hello All,
I apologize for mass email but I feel that it is important to get this out to as many people as possible. I have recently come under what can only be called extreme censorship. On Oct 2nd No Age was scheduled to perform on the Late Late show with Craig Ferguson, to be broadcasted on CBS later this month. I felt it was important to voice my choice for presidential candidate, Barack Obama HEY! THE GUY FROM NO AGE IS GUNNING FOR OB! SOMEONE TELL PALIN! IT'S ALL OVER!, seeing as the episode would air 8 days before election d... BLAHBLAHBLAH ... however there there is a doctrine of fairness that former President Ronald Reagan and current president George W Bush supported the repeal of in order to allow themselves BLAHBLAHBLAHBLAH... are not seen nearly as much as Obama and McCain. I had to look at what I was up against and with 5 minutes before we were supposed to shoot I had only a hand full of options. I could either A) walk away from the show and decline from appearing on the show, or B) change my T-shirt OH WHAT TO DO! My first choice was A. However, after talking way past the 5 minute mark, Dean and I decided that it would be better to take advantage of the stage we had at our disposal. I decided to make an appeal for "MESSAGE DELETED" on my T-shirt seeing as I was unable to voice my support for BLAHBLAHBLAH CBS didn't want No Age to go topless. They're keeping that for the spring break special AMAZING. No, this was because, the CBS person said, the Obama shirt was on-air editorializing -- a possible violation of some FCC PLEASE STOP WRITING NOW, PEOPLE ARE SCREAMING IN AGONY, but neither No Age nor their people at Sub Pop were aware of the Fairness Doctrine's long-ago demise.CBS took advantage of this to push No Age into a corner: either cover up the word "Obama" or don't appear on the MESSAGE DELETED," the band played, and the show will, apparently, air. OH JESUS, OK! STOP BANGING ON ABOUT IT... BLAHBAHBLAHBLAH Time is running out. GOOD!