Vile Bodies (Foreign Dept)

This is a great example of a bad idea done badly leading to a deeply bad outcome. French people in Speedos? What's wrong with that, unless, you don't mean French people, but ugly people. Or fat people. Or old people. Or people with one leg and a hairy back. Because there's not much wrong with a young, fit-looking person in a pair of snug-fitting swimmers is there? And "Spanish women in thongs"? Eh? So, Penélope Cruz and, say, Salma Hayek and, like, every nice-looking Spanish woman in the world wearing, y'know, not enough clothes is bad now? Really? Says who? Hey, Yeti PR. What other polls full of unamusingly casual, woefully moronic, spittle-flecked and pointless animosity do you have for us? Thanks to a respected LiS War Lord situated in the field for this:

Equities to exploit when PRing online travel services:

1. Xenophobia
2. Stating the obvious
3. Lies

Begin forwarded message:From: "emma@10yetis.co.uk"
Date: 18 June 2009 10:10:22
Subject: SPEEDOS VOTED WORST ALL-TIME SWIMWEAR FAUX PAS
Hi BLAHBLAH

A European study has found the Top 5 swimwear blunders of all time and the nation that’s responsible for them! On top came the French in Speedos, closely followed by Germans in the nud! Mankini’s came in third place and more Brits than any other nation admit to having worn a mankini in public!!

I hope you like the release! Please feel free to get in touch if you would like any more information.

Many thanks,

Emma Stockley
Public Relations
Yeti
10 Yetis Ltd


FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE
JUNE 2009
SPEEDOS VOTED WORST ALL-TIME SWIMWEAR FAUX PAS
The UK’s fastest growing independent online travel agent can reveal the Top 5 European swimwear faux pas, with the French in Speedos, Spanish women in thongs, Germans in the nude and Brits in mankini’s all reaching the top spots of most disliked swimwear of all time!

There have been hundreds of fashion trends over the years; some which were awful, some which will never be spoken of again, some which are coming back and some that just won’t go away! It seems Speedos fall under the latter and have just been voted as the worst item of swimwear of all time!

A European study of 1,490 holiday-goers from the UK’s fastest growing independent online travel agent has found the list of the Top 5 European Beachwear Blunders and the country that’s responsible for the most eye sores on the beach; the French get the award for the most awful swimwear in Europe.

The research from www.sunshine.co.uk revealed that Frenchmen were the biggest Speedo bandits, with 1 in 3 admitting they owned a pair. 31% of European respondents thought that Speedos were the worst form of swimwear; making the French the worst fashion victims on the beach!

In second place came the Germans, with 1 in 5 admitting they have gone nude on the beach and more than 20% of European respondents claiming that a middle-aged man playing tennis in his birthday suit is not what they want to see whilst relaxing on holiday.

The list of the Top 5 biggest swimwear blunders were as follows:1) French in Speedos – 31%2) Germans in the nude – 21%3) Brits in Mankini’s –20%4) Spanish senorita’s in thongs – 11%5) Italians in animal print – 8%6) Other – 9%

Chris Brown, Managing Director of sunshine.co.uk said;

“BLAHBLAHBLAH mankini’s!”

Jill Tovey, Head Fashionista FASHIONISHTA! HAHAHAHAHA! from MyCelebrityFashion.co.uk, the UK’s leading celeb style-stealing website talks about the list of Top 5 fashion blunders: “BLAHBLAHBLAH on our beaches yet...!”

Raspberry Nipple

This just in from a newly-minted LiS operative situated deep undercover:

Hello LiS

Just got this through. I must say I agree. I really have questioned why Posh's nipples were quite so HUGE yesterday. But that's because I'm an avid reader of the Mail and it was on their site and I just thought OOH! NIPPLES! I love how the Harley Medical Group take every opportunity to create PR out of everything. But then that's their PR's job. I'm tempted to say something about the nipples sparking a mass debate amongst the UK's male population but, being an esteemed journalist (in my own head), I shall avoid temptation.


Begin forwarded message:

From: "Hannah Walsh" [Hannah.walsh@RainCommunications.co.uk]
Date: 11 June 2009 17:19:18 BST
Subject: Victoria Beckham sparks nipple debate

Hi,
Sure you’ve probably all seen in the papers today Victoria Beckham was photographed wearing a sheer black top that revealed her protruding nipples NOW I'M INTERESTED. Dr Riccardo Frati, a cosmetic surgeon at The Harley Medical Group comments as follows:

“Patients having Breast Augmentations will often find their nipples will remain erect for a while after surgery OH I SEE, YES though after a time the breasts can ‘relax’ and the nipples will return to their normal state INNIT. It’s not out of the question that to achieve her current shape, Victoria Beckham has had multiple breast augmentations. BUT WE'RE NOT GOING TO SAY FOR DEFINITE, IN CASE WE GET SUED.

On the whole I would not recommend a round, high profile shaped implant to my patients as the result is clearly not natural, with the resulting breasts looking very high on chest. YES, VERY HIGH ON CHEST he says. Most breast augmentation patients are keen to keep things in proportion and opt for lower profile implant which gives breasts a more natural shape.

“There are nipple surgery options out there and a minority of women seek to change the size or shape of their nipples through reconstructive surgery purely for cosmetic reasons. Another option, nipple elevation, involves the nipple being raised above its existing level with to enhance its appearance and make the breast look more pert. Surgery can also reverse the retraction of nipples, which can be a problem for women who want to breast feed but can also improve the shape of the breast.” BRILLIANT

Please get back in touch for breast augmentation case-studies and further professional comment.

Kind regards,

Hannah

Hannah Walsh
Rain Communications UK - the news generation agency
2 Greycoat Place
London SW1P 1SB
W: www.raincommunications.co.uk

Quick! Fire Up The Email Machine!

Someone you've never heard of has decided to manage someone you've never heard of! This is amazing news! Or, as a newly minted LiS operative located in near a major landmark has it:

Who? What? Why?


------ Forwarded Message
From: Priscilla Granozio [priscilla@pagetbaker.com]
Date: Wed, 3 Jun 2009 13:26:23 +0100
Conversation: LEGENDARY AMERICAN MUSIC MANAGER SIGNS UP EMERGING BRITISH PAINTER, CHARMING BAKER

Please find the press release and image sheet attached for the forthcoming show of work by Charming Baker. Do contact me for further information.

The legendary American music manager Pat Magnarella has decided to sign up this emerging British painter from Kidbrooke in Greenwich, and use his promotional talent to globally launch this artist.

Kind Regards,
Priscilla

LEGENDARY AMERICAN MUSIC MANAGER SIGNS UP EMERGING BRITISH PAINTER, CHARMING BAKER

Meaning of Everything – a solo show by Charming Baker
The Gallery, BLAH BLAH, London BLAH BLAH
from BLAH – BLAH 2009.

The preview date is BLAH, from 6pm – 11pm

Not Gossip

Gossip is a hard business. You need to have details, pictures, times and dates and a sense of purpose. You need to be well-placed (or have well-placed sources). You need to be quick and have nerves of steel. Unfortunately, inane guff about your breakfast routine and woeful "chats" with taxi-drivers just doesn't cut it.

By the way, Zoe, did you actually pay for the website "design"? Really? Only, you know it's sort of the most startlingly unattractive thing imaginable, right?

Still, best of luck with it all, eh!

Thanks to the senior LiS reporter, situated in a smart part of a smart town who sent me this:

"Up to date news" = a shite post about her lollipop lady.

Brilliant.

Begin forwarded message:

From: Zoe Griffin [zoe@zoegriffin.co.uk]
Date: 2 June 2009 14:37:41 BST
Subject: Gossip Griffin - www.zoegriffin.co.uk
To everyone who is bored of the same old celebrity websites,

After two years at the Sunday Mirror, I've launched www.zoegriffin.co.uk

It's the only source of up to date news about what's happening on British soils, (unless I get invited to an amazingly cool party abroad). I'm at the heart of the action with a video camera - not only telling you what it is like but showing you.

Please update all mailing lists.

My new emails are zoe@zoegriffin.co.uk and zoe.griffin@gmail.com

My mobile is 0771 7*** 394

Send me fabulous things!

Zoe Griffin
www.zoegriffin.co.uk
0771 7*** 394
zoe@zoegriffin.co.uk

That's Shallot

Sometimes you get press releases that fill you with rage and despair. Other times you get ones that make you feel a bit sad for the person who has to write this crap. Try and guess which category the following falls into.

Hello LiS. I received this the other day and it made me think of you. "I would be extremely grateful if you could advise"? Eh? My advice, really Kate, would be to get a new job.

From: Kate Woodward
Sent: 05 May 2009 11:59
Subject: Shallot recipes

Hi there
Just wondering if I can tempt you into featuring some fantastic new summery serving suggestions for Shallot SHE MEANS "shallots" – I’ve got a great kebab idea if you are planning a spread on national BBQ week at the end of the month? Shall I send some across?

Also WHERE'S THE COMMA? do you think you can helps SHE MEANS "HELP" us to reconnect consumers with the once much loved grapefruit? WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU ON ABOUT? I can send over details on the health benefits and what to buy if you think you might be able to highlight this?

I would be extremely grateful if you could advise WHERE'S THE FULL STOP?

Many thanks
Kate Woodward
Pam Lloyd PR

It Was 20 Years Ago, um, Tomorrow

Two decades ago a band released a record. Some people quite liked it. Tomorrow, years after they split up, someone's releasing a live album or something of some stuff they did, like, ages ago.

BUT DON'T TELL ANYONE! RIGHT!

Another Quiet Afternoon in the Artrocker Office...

A good friend of mine used to work on a dance music magazine. All week they'd tap away quietly, bothering no one. But on Friday afternoons they'd stumble back from the pub in time to take delivery of their weekend naughtiness and from there on in it was SHOUTING and smoking out the windows and writing reams of TOTAL BALLS until it was time to go to the pub up the road and really get on it.

Now, I'm not suggesting for ONE MINUTE that this is what's happened here. All I am saying is that it reminds me of my friend's experience. That's all.

Hello LiS. Tell me, does anybody bother to read through their crap before sending it out? There's a mistake here in the first bloody line!

From: Artrocker
Sent: 01 May 2009 12:38
Subject: [News] Artrocker Calling: How To Avoid Swine Flu

ARTROCKERS,
anybody out there planning a weekend getwaway A WHAT? to Mexico? Thought not. If the cocaine gangs don't get you the pigs will (see what I did there? Pig swill? Oh forget it). Mind you, the cocaine gangs in my hometown Brixton aren't exactly cuddly, but at least they don't come at you with pig's bladders and bacon sandwiches. Interesting to note that during the Spanish Inquisition (which included Spanish owned Mexico) persons supected YOU WHAT? of being of the Jewish persuasion OH DEAR were made to prove their christianity by eating bacon sandwiches - history does not record whether they were offered ketchup bit BIT? EH? I think we can assume that they were, after all, what's a bacon sarnie without a dollop of the red stuff? Stretch 'em on the rack, pull their fingernails out...no, the horror of the inquisition can be reduced to a bacon sandwich, which kind of puts it all into perpective YOU WHAT? doesn't it? ('Too much fucking perspective'). And to bring this all up to date, I couldn't help laughing recently when an angry mob turned on some anti-war protesters at a homecoming parade for squaddies returning form FORM? YOU WHAT? Iraq ('that's funny is it Tom? You've certainly got a wierd "WIERD"? LIKE WEIRD? sense of humour') and expressed their anger by throwing packets of bacon at them - not shooting them, stringing them up or setting fire to their beards, no, throwing packets of bacon. That's funny and, if such a concept exists, typically British. TAKE A BREATH PAL, FOR GOD'S SAKE
But I digress. It looks very much like the World Health Organisation will declare a global pandemic any minute now - but what does that mean? Will all flights cease? Will public buildings, pubs, clubs and venues be closed? Will Arsenal win the second leg? We just don't know, but in the meantime here are some tips for avoiding the plague; 1. Don't snog Mexicans GOOD ONE, THANKS FOR THIS 2. Don't snog pigs HILARIOUS 3. Don't snog 4. Fill your mouth and nostrils with charcoal (makes a great filter) and 5. Call for The Magnificent Seven.
And remember, coughs and sneezes spread diseases - if you see a sneezing pig or a runny nosed Mexican for God's sake give them a hanky.
This has been a public health service announcement on behalf of Artrocker Magazine.

Tom Artrocker
Editor At The Doctors: Artrocker Magazine and Artrocker.tv