Lucky Old Holly Willoughby

I wonder who women would choose to give them the once over for breast cancer? James Nesbitt, maybe? Or Daniel Craig? Or, here's a thought, perhaps no one would ever consider it a decent question to ask them? Thanks to a reader in Birmingham for this.

From: Dominique Vincent [mailto:Dominique.Vincent@icr.ac.uk]
Sent: 30 June 2008 10:08
Subject: News release: Birmingham men want Holly Willoughby to check their testicles

Birmingham men want Holly Willoughby to check their testicles

Birmingham men would most like to have their testicles checked for cancer by Dancing on Ice presenter Holly Willoughby, according to a survey undertaken by the Everyman male cancer campaign.

But men were running for cover when it came to Big Brother contestant Jade Goody closely followed by singer Amy Winehouse - who men voted the women they least wanted to check their testicles for unusual lumps and bumps.

The survey of more than 1,000 men was carried out by One Poll on behalf of the prostate and testicular cancer charity, Everyman.

Testicular cancer survivor and Everyman spokesman, Millwall FC striker Neil Harris said the survey aimed to raise awareness about the importance of men checking their testicles regularly for any changes.

"While most men may dream about having their favourite celebrity helping them out, we encourage men to seek help from their partners or to go it alone in checking for any changes in the size, shape or weight of their testicles. If you notice anything unusual, contact your GP immediately," Harris said.

"As blokes tend to do, I was watching television with my hands resting in my shorts, and as I felt my testicles I noticed that one was bigger than the other. It just didn't feel right."

Top three celebrities Birmingham men would most like to have check their testicles:
* 15 per cent of men chose Holly Willoughby
* 13 per cent said socialite Paris Hilton
* 7 per cent selected Five News presenter Natasha Kaplinsky and model Kate Moss

Celebrities Birmingham men would least like to have check their testicles:
* 20 per cent chose Jade Goody
* 18 per cent said Amy Winehouse
* 16 per cent chose Heather Mills

Media contact: dominique.vincent@icr.ac.uk
-Ends-

Under The Cushh

Is Cushh the worst band name ever (or is that Wet Dog)? Well, it would be appropriate as they seem to have "employed" the single worst press release writer in the known world. The more I read this, the more I think that "Tina Ress" must have English as a second (OK, third) language, so, y'know, maybe I should give her a break. But...

1. "Hope you well" - you?
2. "Old Cushh songs will be released in Austrlia and Canada this summer via a "Non-Exclusive" deal." You what? And where's Austrlia?
3. "Recently have endorcement deal." Uh?
4. "sugar babes" - who?
5. "cush" - you mean Cushh, right?

And so it goes on and on and on and on. As a reader has it: "was this written by someone who only learnt the alphabet yeterday, or is "Tina Ress" a red indian from The Beano? "Me love Big heap um Cushh!"

From: Tina [tinaress9@aol.com]
Date: 29 June 2008 21:06:30 BST
Subject: WEBSITE CONTACT

Hi
Hope you well, www.myspace.com/cushh
cushh have new songs. Cushh previous songs are available for publishing and licencing. Old Cushh songs will be released in Austrlia and Canada this summer via a "Non-Exclusive" deal. Cushh are now recording new songs, recently have endorcement deal with Hiwatt Amplifier manufacters.
Cushh is now looking for a group label deal, to now fund them to the next level. They will be releasing another single in August this year after their debut single charted at number 31 and also appeared on the Billboard top 100 chart.cush have Toured with westlife and shane ward ,sugar babes...

Regards
Tina

Best Press Release Ever

This is how it's done friends... Thanks to reader Mr P Coats for this absolute doozy.

From: Laura Levy
Date: 27 June 2008 12:33:05 BST
Subject: Gary Christian

Hi

Gary Christian of the Christians will be available soon. Let me know if you want him.

Laura

GENIUS

The Best Of We've All Been Waiting For!

This comes from a reader who has labelled it "Gold!" which, on first glance, may seem a little harsh. It's not badly written as such, though it is crammed with ridiculous statements (there is no way in the world you could accurately describe Quaye's time with Epic as "highly successful"), but let the glory of it all sink in a little and the good bits reveal themselves. For instance:
1. There are 16 tracks, only two of which reached the Top 20 and that was 11 years ago.
2. The part that reads, "in 1997 he played his debut gig in London's Ronnie Scotts (sic) Club in 1997" (fyi, it's Ronnie Scott's Jazz Club).
3 When a press release describes your later work as "less mainstream" and "challenging" it means they're rubbish.

I'll see you in the queue on July 1!

Treat 'Em Green, Keep 'Em Keen

There's something about this idea that doesn't quite seem to sit right in my mind, but I'm not sure I can pinpoint exactly what it is. Maybe you can?

------ Forwarded Message
From: "Luff, William"
Date: Mon, 23 Jun 2008 17:44:03 +0100
Subject: Sigur Ros & Bjork - Live in Iceland this weekend

Hi all,

For those of you not braving Glastonbury I bring news of a very special concert this weekend in Reykjavik. Bjork and Sigur Ros are teaming up to headline an outdoor gig in aid of environmental awareness, highlighting the rapid acceleration of Iceland's heavy industry and the detrimental effect this is having on the unparalleled beauty of the Icelandic landscape.

Icelandair have very kindly agreed to provide flights and hotels for journalists keen to cover the concert. It takes place on Saturday 28th June. Let me know if you are interested in attending - and writing about the event! - or sending someone to cover it for you, and I'll make arrangements.

I'd need confirmations by Weds morning latest - but the earlier the better really.

All the best
William

William Luff, Head Of Press
EMI Records, 43 Brook Green, London W6 7EF

Wimbledon? Common...

Tennis! Brilliant! Tim Henman and the Australian with the hair and that bloke who invented Fred Perry shirts - what was he called again? Anyway, if you're sat a desk at a moronically poor periodical just wondering what you can fill your useless pages with then Hannah Kenward at Shine has great news! She's collected all the rubbish weather crap you never cared about re: Wimbledon and spammed every website in the country asking if they want to run it. Well, it's a job, I suppose. Though the website boss she sent this to didn't feel quite as forgiving:

DID BORAT WRITE THIS PIECE OF USELESS SHIT? "Always controversial these weather-based gems of information may help to colour your editorial!" WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?

Begin forwarded message:
From: "Hannah Kenward"
Subject: WIMBLEDON WEATHER - Evian's Facts and Figures

Did you know that the last year Wimbledon ran uninterrupted with no rain was 1995!

To help with any Wimbledon themed stories you may be planning for The Championship’s we wanted to send through these fun facts looking at the weather during Britain’s biggest tennis tournament. Always controversial these weather-based gems of information may help to colour your editorial!

If you’d like any further information of images then please do get in touch.

Best wishes,
Hannah

Authentic Pop Standards And New Wave Anthems - Together At Last!

Are you into Officer Kicks? Yeah, me too. Although *flicks greasy, idiot fringe* I'm more into Cage The Elephant, obviously! When we started this blog it was to highlight the rampant foolishness of so many badly thought out music "biz" press releases. Then other people started sending wonderful examples of awfulness from other industries. So many that we almost forgot how truly uplifting terrible, witless, pointless music PR can be. So many, many thanks to Mark and everyone at 10 X Better for this fantastic addition to the canon. Oh, and there's a D in "Guildford" and the bit about "alternative plans" that have "excited business" doesn't make any sense.