Needs / Must

Have you taken care of your basic needs today? Eating, perhaps a glass of water, maybe a quick trip to the lavatory? Oh, and a five-star mini-break with kid's club, whirlpool bath, Aveda spa and Michelin-rated chef, natch. This just in from one of our most senior reporters:

Tell me this. Do people really have leisure "needs"?


Begin forwarded message:
From: "Lewis Miles" [LMiles@resonate.uk.com]
Date: 28 January 2009 10:52:04 GMT
Subject: New Data Reveals Recession is Changing British Leisure, Travel and Wellbeing needs

Hi
Please find below a media alert MEDIA ALERT! MEDIA ALERT! on a comprehensive new report into British Leisure, Travel and Wellbeing needs between December 2007 and December 2008, being launched on Monday 2nd Feb. I CANNOT WAIT!

For a full copy of the report, please contact blahblahblahblahblah...

***EMBARGOED UNTIL 00:01 ON MONDAY FEBRUARY 2ND 2009***
New Data Reveals Recession is Changing British Leisure, Travel and Wellbeing needs
LONDON, 2nd February 2009 - TODAY Directory Enquiries service, BLAHBLAH, has released new call statistics for major lifestyle categories that reveal a serious shift in priorities and needs comparing December 2008 with December 2007. The report provides fresh evidence of the emerging recession, and how it is changing the outlook of a nation.

Example report findings
Calls for drinks deliveries to homes rise 66% and satellite TV installation 462% as staying in wins over going out.
* The crunch is shaping our national eating habits - only pizza delivery rises significantly (22%) as other restaurants and takeaways fall
* Enquiries for motorhomes grows 121% as Britons reveal their domestic UK holiday preferences
* Calls for masseurs rocketed by 80% as Britons seek hands-on stress relief HHRRRNNNKKKK - I BET THEY BLOODY DO MADAM
The report draws on the UK’s largest directory database of over 20 million calls received by BLAHBLAH in the two months, categorised by business or service category.

The call data covers all major British lifestyle areas, focusing on substantial OH JUST KILL ME NOW AND BE DONE WITH IT :(

Terrible News Just In

First John Updike, now this? :(

SATIRED AND EMOTIONAL

You know you get those days when you literally hate all music and bands and people in bands and people that talk about bands and people who follow bands and venues where bands play and the cars that bands drive and the food that bands eat and the shoes that bands wear and the magazines that bands read and the hair products bands use and the words bands say and, indeed, the air that bands breathe? I'm having one of those days. So is this revered LiS reporter situated near one of the world's major up-market shopping "experiences". Take it away, soldier:

One of the best things about the English language is how words change their meaning over time. Thanks to this exciting press release about a band, I now know that both "infiltrated" and "hijacked" means: To have an advertisement paid for by your record company in a tedious attempt to promote a single you describe as "satirical". Interestingly, I can think of a more appropriate and slightly shorter "s" word for it.

Begin forwarded message:
From: "Sarah Maynard" [sarah@divisionpromotions.com]
Date: 26 January 2009 17:04:48 GMT
Subject: IPS / Celeb Big Brother / Apple Store / Etc...

Hi,

I just thought you might like to check out the new video from innerpartysystem in light of their antics I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT THESE "ANTICS" WERE on Friday night. The band infiltrated DID THEY? the C4 Celeb Big Brother mini-site with ads for a fake celebrity reality show OH GOD - AMAZING, highlighting their satirical OH BLOODY GOD forthcoming single "TITLE DELETED" which berates celeb culture WHERE DO THEY GET THESE IDEAS! Check out the screen shots attached.

Hopefully you received the single ok SHE MEANS "OK". It’d be great if you could consider for review when it’s released on BLAHBLAH. It’s currently on playlist at Radio 1, NME TV and MTV2 to name but a few.

Thanks muchly THANKS MUCHLY!? ZOMG!!11!!!,
Sx

INNERPARTYSYSTEM INFILTRATE CELEB BIG BROTHER SITE ON NIGHT OF FINAL SPECIAL PERFORMANCE - APPLE STORE, REGENT STREET ON blahblahblah at blahblah
SINGLE ‘title deleted’ RELEASED ON blahblahblah

Innerpartysystem’s anti-anthem for celeb culture ‘TITLE DELETED’ has captured the imaginations of people across the UK NO IT HASN'T YOU LYING LIAR! and in a further bid to ridicule the media’s fascination with all things celebrity WELL QUITE, SOMEONE NEEDS TO HAVE A GO AT THESE BASTARDS the band hijacked DID THEY? DID THEY REALLY? the Celebrity Big Brother website on the night of its much-publicised Final last Friday. ZOMG!!11!! The intriguing POINT OF ORDER: NO ONE WAS INTRIGUED placement on the web page linked people through to a rather unique video blog, as well as the latest music video from the blahblahblahblah KILL ME NOW!

Sarah Maynard
Division Media blahblahblah

How's That Great Photo Shoot Working Out For You?

Dear LiS
This picture of jazz chantoose Lea Delaria just landed in my inbox. I know (because I just read it) that Delaria is, "by no means an artist content with remaining static" (because all the rest of them are, right?), but I'm still not convinced that the moustache-finger tattoo is a great look even for a "chick singer with balls" (trans: oh, forget it, we all know what that means)...

My Ears Are Light To Yet More Bad PR

This just in from a senior LiS reporter embedded within a frontline fighting unit (I particularly enjoyed the running commentary):

The Future's Trite

Quick! A band you've never heard of have done something you don't care about! What a surprise to see Alan McGee popping up - he signed Oasis, you know! - in this tiny masterpiece of invented shockery. The fact he signed this band five years ago but this is the first time they've ever passed through your consciousness says a lot, doesn't it? I presume he dropped them in the mean-time, which is a tiny point in his favour, I suppose...

Andrew Future?!!! What is this? The facking eighties? Give him a fifteen month sentence says I!


-----Original Message-----
From: ateacher@bpf.org.uk
Sent: Sat, 17 Jan 2009 7:01 pm
Subject: REBELLION AS BAND OUTSELLING KINGS OF LEON, COLDPLAY IS BARRED FROM CHARTS

For immediate release - Sunday January 18
REBELLION AS BAND OUTSELLING KINGS OF LEON, COLDPLAY IS BARRED FROM CHARTS

The Official UK Chart Company has been slammed SLAMMED! IT HAS! for refusing to include The Boxer Rebellion's new album even though they’re outselling Kings Of Leon, MGMT and Coldplay on the US version of iTunes.

The album is currently at Number One in the iTunes US Alternative Chart and Number Four in the iTunes UK Album Chart.

Despite being a self-released effort with no record label or press, 'Union' has been refused entry into the Official UK Charts today - because the band have only released the album digitally.

The success of ‘Union’, which was released on 11 January is finally seeing them live up to the hype they initially built up when Alan McGee, who discovered Oasis, signed them to his Poptones label five years ago. FIVE YEARS! Lead single 'Evacuate' is a depth-charging rocker I LOVE "DEPTH-CHARGING ROCKER"S! mixing the finest elements of Interpol and early-Oasis. It wowed fans across Europe where The Boxer Rebellion toured as support act for Editors last year. AMAZING DETAIL!

Fans on the Boxer Rebellion messageboard have been campaigning to get the rules changed.

A band statement said: "This is a completely independent release and with no label backing, no finance, no radio play and no press in the UK. We have, with the support of (and a massive gamble taken by) iTunes, managed to break through and chart very highly in the iTunes stores so far.

"This basically means that The Boxer Rebellion will not see benefit from this success in terms of a chart position [in the Official UK Charts]. At this point, the possibility of pressing CDs was not viable. Should we be penalised in the charts?”

Boxer Rebellion fan Andrew Future, music editor of Fashion Music Style magazine which promotes unsigned bands, said:

“This is long deserved success for a band which for many years has produced wondrous, cinematic rock music I LOVE "WONDOROUS, CINEMATIC ROCK MUSIC"! that’s light years ahead of so many copycat British bands. It’s ludicrous that the Official UK Charts won’t allow them in. It makes a mockery of them. What’s the point in having charts if they don’t accurate chart what is popular?” WEVS, YEAH?

Andrew Future, music editor, Fashion Music Style

REVEALED: The Lamest Website Evah!

At last! A website entirely devoted to images of the hilariously over-priced tat that's fallen out the back of Vicky Beckham's brain! Great! Big thanks to the senior LiS reporter who has just sent this in:

Hold the front page! (of theonion.com, I mean)


Begin forwarded message:
From: "Josie Saunders" [Josie.saunders@bigpartnership.co.uk]
Date: 15 January 2009 14:25:08 GMT
Subject: Shoreditch woman creates website for Victoria Beckham's new dress collection

Hi
I thought you might be interested in one of my clients who has just launched an exclusive website for Victoria Beckham for the London Paper?

Her name is Aileen Geraghty and she is the MD of hip NO COMMA? MAYBE HER HIPS HAVE WON AWARDS? award-winning UK design agency, 999 Design, which is headquartered TERRIBLE AMERICANISM, ALREADY! in Shoreditch, East London (Great Eastern Street), and I thought she would make an interesting focus / feature / lifestyle / profile piece?

She helps clients improve their branding, marketing and website and works with some of the biggest brands in the UK. Aileen, who was 40 last year, is at the cutting edge of London’s design scene and is regularly seen relaxing over an organic latte at Soho House, where she is a member. BRILLIANT PIECE OF INFO - I CAN TAKE HER SO MUCH MORE SERIOUSLY NOW!

She has just created the recently launched website for Victoria Beckham’s dress collection for 19 Management, which is owned by American Idol creator Simon Fuller and looks after the Beckham brand portfolio.

Aileen has also just designed a range of t-shirts for the UK’s leading ethical clothing brand, People Tree, which is being launched in march SHE MEANS "March". In the past few months, NO COMMA NEEDED HERE she has also designed the branding and marketing material for Muse, India’s answer to Harvey Nichols, and has played a key role in developing the brand to roll out the switchover of digital TV across the UK NO, I DON'T UNDERSTAND THIS BIT EITHER. Aileen travels extensively for work to Asia and America and is just back from a holiday in Gambia. MORE GREAT INFO!

Look forward to hearing from you.

Best wishes

Josie

Josie Saunders
Account Director
The BIG Partnership
5 Park Circus Place
Glasgow, G3 6AH