It Was 20 Years Ago, um, Tomorrow

Two decades ago a band released a record. Some people quite liked it. Tomorrow, years after they split up, someone's releasing a live album or something of some stuff they did, like, ages ago.

BUT DON'T TELL ANYONE! RIGHT!

Another Quiet Afternoon in the Artrocker Office...

A good friend of mine used to work on a dance music magazine. All week they'd tap away quietly, bothering no one. But on Friday afternoons they'd stumble back from the pub in time to take delivery of their weekend naughtiness and from there on in it was SHOUTING and smoking out the windows and writing reams of TOTAL BALLS until it was time to go to the pub up the road and really get on it.

Now, I'm not suggesting for ONE MINUTE that this is what's happened here. All I am saying is that it reminds me of my friend's experience. That's all.

Hello LiS. Tell me, does anybody bother to read through their crap before sending it out? There's a mistake here in the first bloody line!

From: Artrocker
Sent: 01 May 2009 12:38
Subject: [News] Artrocker Calling: How To Avoid Swine Flu

ARTROCKERS,
anybody out there planning a weekend getwaway A WHAT? to Mexico? Thought not. If the cocaine gangs don't get you the pigs will (see what I did there? Pig swill? Oh forget it). Mind you, the cocaine gangs in my hometown Brixton aren't exactly cuddly, but at least they don't come at you with pig's bladders and bacon sandwiches. Interesting to note that during the Spanish Inquisition (which included Spanish owned Mexico) persons supected YOU WHAT? of being of the Jewish persuasion OH DEAR were made to prove their christianity by eating bacon sandwiches - history does not record whether they were offered ketchup bit BIT? EH? I think we can assume that they were, after all, what's a bacon sarnie without a dollop of the red stuff? Stretch 'em on the rack, pull their fingernails out...no, the horror of the inquisition can be reduced to a bacon sandwich, which kind of puts it all into perpective YOU WHAT? doesn't it? ('Too much fucking perspective'). And to bring this all up to date, I couldn't help laughing recently when an angry mob turned on some anti-war protesters at a homecoming parade for squaddies returning form FORM? YOU WHAT? Iraq ('that's funny is it Tom? You've certainly got a wierd "WIERD"? LIKE WEIRD? sense of humour') and expressed their anger by throwing packets of bacon at them - not shooting them, stringing them up or setting fire to their beards, no, throwing packets of bacon. That's funny and, if such a concept exists, typically British. TAKE A BREATH PAL, FOR GOD'S SAKE
But I digress. It looks very much like the World Health Organisation will declare a global pandemic any minute now - but what does that mean? Will all flights cease? Will public buildings, pubs, clubs and venues be closed? Will Arsenal win the second leg? We just don't know, but in the meantime here are some tips for avoiding the plague; 1. Don't snog Mexicans GOOD ONE, THANKS FOR THIS 2. Don't snog pigs HILARIOUS 3. Don't snog 4. Fill your mouth and nostrils with charcoal (makes a great filter) and 5. Call for The Magnificent Seven.
And remember, coughs and sneezes spread diseases - if you see a sneezing pig or a runny nosed Mexican for God's sake give them a hanky.
This has been a public health service announcement on behalf of Artrocker Magazine.

Tom Artrocker
Editor At The Doctors: Artrocker Magazine and Artrocker.tv

Spurn My Spawn

Swine flu: on the downside it kills people. On the upside, according to Holly at Bite PR, it's involved in the fight against useless spam.

---------- Forwarded message ----------
From: Holly Axelrad [Holly.Axelrad@bitepr.com]
Date: Tue, Apr 28, 2009 at 5:04 PM
Subject: Swine flu spurns spamming frenzy
Cc: SymantecEnt [SymantecEnt@bitepr.com]

Hi there,
As the swine flu outbreak in Mexico and the United States gains BORING.

In the past, such current event spam campaigns included sending BORING.

One of the samples simply informs recipients of the BORING.

If you would like to speak to Symantec, please contact us on Symantec@bitepr.com or on 0208 *** 3504.

Kind regards,

Holly

Brest In Show

This just in from a senior LiS reporter situated behind enemy lines...

Dear LiS, according to the subject field of this email, Philips Avent seems to be suggesting that mothers would do well do offer their babies the noted French seaport and naval base, Brest. The Finisterre, Brittany town's attractions include the Jardin botanique de l'Hôpital d'Instruction des Armées Clermont-Tonnerre and a botanical garden specialising in endangered species, while the locale was also the setting for the 1982 art film Querelle. What suckling infant would not be truly nourished by all this? OK, so the rest of it is OK (if crushingly dull), but is it really so hard to just read the thing before you send it? And f*** knows why all this nonsense comes to me...

FWD MESSAGE
From: "Anais Roc" [Anais@focuspr.co.uk]
Date: 28 April 2009 13:23:55 BDT
To: "Philips Avent" [philipsavent@focuspr.co.uk]
Subject: Give your baby the brest start in life!

I Feel Almost Sorry For Him. Almost. UPDATE

This just in from a "long-time reader, rare contributor".

Just a quick postscript to your story. As one one of the posters has already hinted, the supposedly random punter quoted in the release, "Jayne Ward from Staffordshire" bears a curious resemblance to the name of the PR company Ward Lovett, who have produced this dull bollocks.

And funnily enough it has a PR account director called Jayne Ward from Cannock, Staffordshire

But that still doesn’t stop them from quoting Jayne Ward from Cannock as if she were a random member of the public. Only sometimes they do so through the super-subtle method of dropping the “y” from her name to disguise it. Oooh. That’ll fox 'em!

"For Jane Ward and her family, from Cannock in Staffordshire, it was the first time they had been to the dogs. She said: “The stadium was really busy and it was a great atmosphere. We were laughing all the way through the human race and we will definitely be back to watch the dogs again soon.” Presumably because she was paid to be there.

What a bunch of lazy tw@ts.

Keep up the good work.

Yours, a hack who writes educational stuff.

I Feel Almost Sorry For Him. Almost.

I think this might be the most tragic, pointless email of all time. The precious seconds of Clive's life are ticking away and he's sat at his desk in Cannock tip-tapping on his 4-year-old Dell banging out this crap for, what?, 30 grand a year? Might this be the moment to resurrect the phrase, Kill Me Now? Thanks to a senior LiS reporter in the field for this heart-breaking amazingness.

How Not To Do PR Masterclass No. 45,983:

Clive "hopes this is of interest". The pathos of it all, it's like a Greek tragedy.

Begin forwarded message:
From: "clive@wardlovett.com" [clive@wardlovett.com]
Subject: Dunlop to reveal Mini owners’ secrets

Hello

kind regards

Have you ever owned a mini? Did you give it a name? Would it have a story to tell?
The mini is 50 this year and the organisers of the Dunlop Great & British Motorsport Festival are looking for some Mini stories, just out of curiosity - perhaps you have one yourself?

We've opened up the subject online and have already had some interesting names!

A Northumberland man has already told us that his 3 year old daughter calls his mini 'Rusty Toilet'. Asked why he said that they've made up a song about it to the tune of twinkle twinkle little star...

Twinkle twinkle chocolate bar, Daddy drives a rusty car. Pull the handle, pull the choke, off we go with a puff of smoke. Twinkle twinkle chocolate bar, Daddy drives a rusty car!

I hope this is of interest - and naturally, if you'd like to come along to the event at Rockingham we'll be happy to put you on the Press Guest List.


Clive


Dunlop reveals mini owners’ secrets
The Mini celebrates its BORING...

Dunlop Motorsport’s Communications Manager James Bailey said; “BORING.”

Bailey, who has admitted to BORING.


“When we were planning the BORING.”


Jayne Ward from Staffordshire was one of the first to tell all on Dunlop’s ‘driversknow’ website. She said; “BORING.”


The first Dunlop Great & British Motorsport Festival of the season is BORING.

ENDS

Clive Reeves
PR Director

t.01543 501111 f.0871 715 1812 m.07786 735010
e.clive@wardlovett.comwww.wardlovett.com
Virtual press office www.wardlovettpressoffice.com
Ward Lovett | Morston Court | Kingswood Lakeside | Cannock | WS11 8JB

Racial Awareness

Unbelievable! This is a new low from the PR industry, surely? I, like most people, try not to forget my sense of humour when I'm thinking about the violent destruction of 6 million lives - it was a long time ago, right? - but it takes a specially abled person to caption a piece about a film based on the life of the man who saved more than a thousand Polish refugees during the holocaust, "Would Jew Believe It?".

Staggering.

Thank you Libby at SWNS for lowering the bar another few large notches. I hope the pay-packet is worth it.

From: libby@swns.com [mailto:libby@swns.com]
Sent: 21 April 2009 10:51
To: NationalNews
Subject: SCHINDLER'S LIST IS GREATEST WAR MOVIE

WOULD JEW BELIEVE IT

NEWS COPY

Schindler's List was yesterday (Tue) named the greatest war movie of all time.

The 1993 movie which starred Liam Neeson and won seven Oscars, tells the true story of businessman Oskar Schindler.

Schindler became an unlikely hero during WWII when he turned his factory into a refuge for Jews who were facing death in concentration camps.

Second place went to 1963 film The Great Escape, which is based on the true story of a allied group of prisoners of war to launch an ambitious plan to escape from the Nazis.

Third place in the poll of 3,000 movie fans was Tom Hanks' blockbuster saving Private Ryan, which is set around the Allied invasion of Normandy in 1944.

Enemy at the Gates, starring Jude Law and Rachel Weisz, was fourth place, followed by 1995 hit Braveheart with Mel Gibson as Scottish rebel William Wallace.

Colonel Martin Gibson, Chief Executive of war veterans charity Erskine, said: ''Schindler's List is a story that evokes the deepest emotions and ensures the Holocaust will never be thought of in the same way again.

''Of the 75,000 veterans we have cared for many remember with startling alacrity the horrors of WWII and most importantly the unsung heroes of those dark days.''

Vietnam War film, Apocalypse Now came sixth place, while 1939 classic Gone with the Wind was at number seven.

Eighth place went to The Bridge on the River Kwai while Where Eagles Dare and Platoon completed the top ten.

Other films to feature in the poll include The Dirty Dozen, Kelly's Heroes, The Pianist and Lawrence of Arabia.

Colonel Gibson added: ''Watching War Movies can bring out mixed emotions in everyone - nostalgia, sadness and a huge respect for everyone who has ever fought in a war.

''We are asking people to watch one of these wonderful films which will hopefully be a reminder of the sacrifices that our fellow countrymen and women made - and are still making and ultimately inspire them to help Erskine by making a donation.

''It is to be hoped that films of the future will honour the brave men and women of today's conflicts and peace keeping initiatives both in Iraq and Afghanistan, who are once again putting their lives on the line for their country.''

Great Escape Veteran Jack Harrison, RAF, aged 96 said: ''The Great Escape film had good background but the character played by Steve McQueen didn't exist. I think he must have been created for the Box Office takings in America.

''We did have Americans in the camp, they helped us with the tunnel called Harry but they were shifted out to another camp before the escape began.

''I am pleased that the film came second in the survey and that our efforts during WWII are appreciated to this day.''

GREATEST WAR MOVIES

1. Schindler's List (1993)

2. The Great Escape (1963)

3. Saving Private Ryan (1998)

4. Enemy at the Gates (2001)

5. Braveheart (1995)

6. Apocalypse Now (1979)

7. Gone with the Wind (1939)

8. The Bridge on the River Kwai (1957)

9. Where Eagles Dare (1968)

10. Platoon (1986)

11. The Dirty Dozen (1967)

12. The Longest Day (1962)

13. Escape to Victory (1981)

14. Black Hawk Down (2001)

15. Memphis Belle (1990)

16. The Deer Hunter (1978 )

17. Kelly's Heroes (1970)

18. Full Metal Jacket (1987)

19. The Pianist (2002)

20. Lawrence of Arabia (1962)

ENDS