Thursday, 14 May 2009

That's Shallot

Sometimes you get press releases that fill you with rage and despair. Other times you get ones that make you feel a bit sad for the person who has to write this crap. Try and guess which category the following falls into.

Hello LiS. I received this the other day and it made me think of you. "I would be extremely grateful if you could advise"? Eh? My advice, really Kate, would be to get a new job.

From: Kate Woodward
Sent: 05 May 2009 11:59
Subject: Shallot recipes

Hi there
Just wondering if I can tempt you into featuring some fantastic new summery serving suggestions for Shallot SHE MEANS "shallots" – I’ve got a great kebab idea if you are planning a spread on national BBQ week at the end of the month? Shall I send some across?

Also WHERE'S THE COMMA? do you think you can helps SHE MEANS "HELP" us to reconnect consumers with the once much loved grapefruit? WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU ON ABOUT? I can send over details on the health benefits and what to buy if you think you might be able to highlight this?

I would be extremely grateful if you could advise WHERE'S THE FULL STOP?

Many thanks
Kate Woodward
Pam Lloyd PR

Tuesday, 12 May 2009

It Was 20 Years Ago, um, Tomorrow

Two decades ago a band released a record. Some people quite liked it. Tomorrow, years after they split up, someone's releasing a live album or something of some stuff they did, like, ages ago.


Friday, 1 May 2009

Another Quiet Afternoon in the Artrocker Office...

A good friend of mine used to work on a dance music magazine. All week they'd tap away quietly, bothering no one. But on Friday afternoons they'd stumble back from the pub in time to take delivery of their weekend naughtiness and from there on in it was SHOUTING and smoking out the windows and writing reams of TOTAL BALLS until it was time to go to the pub up the road and really get on it.

Now, I'm not suggesting for ONE MINUTE that this is what's happened here. All I am saying is that it reminds me of my friend's experience. That's all.

Hello LiS. Tell me, does anybody bother to read through their crap before sending it out? There's a mistake here in the first bloody line!

From: Artrocker
Sent: 01 May 2009 12:38
Subject: [News] Artrocker Calling: How To Avoid Swine Flu

anybody out there planning a weekend getwaway A WHAT? to Mexico? Thought not. If the cocaine gangs don't get you the pigs will (see what I did there? Pig swill? Oh forget it). Mind you, the cocaine gangs in my hometown Brixton aren't exactly cuddly, but at least they don't come at you with pig's bladders and bacon sandwiches. Interesting to note that during the Spanish Inquisition (which included Spanish owned Mexico) persons supected YOU WHAT? of being of the Jewish persuasion OH DEAR were made to prove their christianity by eating bacon sandwiches - history does not record whether they were offered ketchup bit BIT? EH? I think we can assume that they were, after all, what's a bacon sarnie without a dollop of the red stuff? Stretch 'em on the rack, pull their fingernails, the horror of the inquisition can be reduced to a bacon sandwich, which kind of puts it all into perpective YOU WHAT? doesn't it? ('Too much fucking perspective'). And to bring this all up to date, I couldn't help laughing recently when an angry mob turned on some anti-war protesters at a homecoming parade for squaddies returning form FORM? YOU WHAT? Iraq ('that's funny is it Tom? You've certainly got a wierd "WIERD"? LIKE WEIRD? sense of humour') and expressed their anger by throwing packets of bacon at them - not shooting them, stringing them up or setting fire to their beards, no, throwing packets of bacon. That's funny and, if such a concept exists, typically British. TAKE A BREATH PAL, FOR GOD'S SAKE
But I digress. It looks very much like the World Health Organisation will declare a global pandemic any minute now - but what does that mean? Will all flights cease? Will public buildings, pubs, clubs and venues be closed? Will Arsenal win the second leg? We just don't know, but in the meantime here are some tips for avoiding the plague; 1. Don't snog Mexicans GOOD ONE, THANKS FOR THIS 2. Don't snog pigs HILARIOUS 3. Don't snog 4. Fill your mouth and nostrils with charcoal (makes a great filter) and 5. Call for The Magnificent Seven.
And remember, coughs and sneezes spread diseases - if you see a sneezing pig or a runny nosed Mexican for God's sake give them a hanky.
This has been a public health service announcement on behalf of Artrocker Magazine.

Tom Artrocker
Editor At The Doctors: Artrocker Magazine and