Thursday, 31 July 2008

Cathedrals of Sound

These Arms Are Snakes. A natural force, that thunders with constant contradiction and challenge. Self-described as, “Four men with a chronic black cloud overhead; bitter, bummed out, and bored,” they couple dark pessimism with an elemental energy that does not end.

Is there a solitary word in this example of linguistic fly-tipping that would make anyone exhibit even the tiniest flicker of interest in hearing them - even if they were making, say, the last even vaguely musical sound on earth?

A Heartwarming Tale Told Apallingly

A reader from the east London area sent me this wonderfully annotated email (and I apologise to said reader for my rude interruptions).

I know that the subject of this press release is about as far from "showbiz" as it's possible to get, but it is a stellar example of bad PR.

Its failures divide into three categories:

1. The crashingly dull and irrelevant nature of the story - a council has given an old lady a new fridge-freezer.
2. The underlying fact that the old lady was waiting a year for the council to repair flood damage to her home, they changed the electrics so her fridge wouldn't work anymore - and they want credit for getting her a new one.
3. The soul-crushingly bad, GCSE English prose. My favourite passage is this one:
"Unfortunately this left Mrs Alexander with a major problem, her old fridge freezer was not compatible with the new electrics, so she now had nowhere to store essential food supplies. But don't worry,(I DIDN'T) Sue Johnson Decent Homes Customer Liaison
Officer (CLO) came to Mrs Alexander's rescue. Sue works for one of the Hull City Council's partnership contractors, Kingstown Works Ltd (KWL) and in any one week, she can work with up to more than 36 home owners (IS IT "UP TO" OR "MORE THAN", YOU CRETIN? AND MORE IMPORTANTLY, WHO COULD POSSIBLY CARE?)."

But it's up against some tough competition from the "quote" from the old lady, which manages to sound implausible, sad, and desperate, all at once: "I can't thank Sue and KWL enough for all their help and generosity, I never dreamt that this would be the outcome of my disaster. It's only the third bunch of flowers I've ever received in my
whole life and Sue is one in a million."

-----Original Message-----
From: Anna Millar []
Sent: 30 July 2008 15:24
Subject: Hull City Council News Release: KWL go the extra mile for flood victim


For Immediate Release
KWL go the extra mile for flood victim

As victims of last years WHERE'S THE APOSTROPHE? floods continue to move back into their homes after of year OF YEAR? of living in temporary accommodation, one elderly resident from Longhill got a surprise welcome home gift.

Like many Hull City Council tenants, Mrs Alexander's home in Limerick Close, Longhill was given a new kitchen and full re-wire on her property, which she has lived at for most of her life, to bring it up to the Decent Homes standard whilst it was receiving vital work to correct the flood damage. TERRIBLE SENTENCE, THANKS!

Unfortunately this left Mrs Alexander with a major problem, her old fridge freezer was not compatible with the new electrics, so she now had nowhere to store essential food supplies. YOU MEAN FOOD, RIGHT?

But don't worry, Sue Johnson Decent Homes Customer Liaison Officer (CLO) came to Mrs Alexander's rescue. Sue works for one of the Hull City Council's partnership contractors, Kingstown Works Ltd (KWL) and in any one week, she can work with up to more than 36 home owners.

Sue spoke to several charities and KWL company contributions to help with the replacements for Mrs Alexander and within a few days, Sue was promised a brand new fridge/freezer and a donation to replace its contents.

KWL presented Mrs Alexander with her new goods and a bouquet of flowers, Mrs Alexander was overwhelmed: "I can't thank Sue and KWL enough for all their help and generosity, I never dreamt that this would be the outcome of my disaster. THERE IS NO WAY THIS WOMAN SAID THIS. It's only the third bunch of flowers I've ever received in my whole life and Sue is one in a million. I have never been treated like this before in my life FFS, IT'S ONLY A FRIDGE GRANDMA and I give a great big thank you from the bottom of my heart."

Rescuer RESCUER! Sue said: "Mrs Alexander was very grateful for the replacements, she cried with joy over the fact we had gone that extra mile for her. My role of CLO is very rewarding when a situation like this has a happy ending.


For further information please contact:
Anna Millar, Press Officer

Wednesday, 30 July 2008

I Am Passionate About Entertainment And I'm Socially Conscious, Where Do I Sign?

News in from Broadcast. This whole stinking heap of crap could have been cooked down to this.

Dear everyone
Some consulting wonk has told MTV social networking is "cool". Hahahahahahaha!

Instead we get this

MTV shares the secrets of bringing TV and online together at Audience Evolution. We are delighted to welcome Philip O’Ferrall, Vice President, Digital Media, MTV Networks to our expert line-up of speakers.

Speaking last week on the launch of the groundbreaking MTV House project, he had this to share: “ is about building a community for online audiences that are passionate about entertainment and music, as well as being socially conscious, and therefore our digital activity is evolving and adapting to allow the audience to express themselves more. By carrying out continuous research to find out what our audiences really want, and by introducing an enhanced user experience where the audience can interact with each other and the brand whether that be advise on sensitive issues or sharing great MTV content - we are in turn responding to their needs."

Book your place now and save £50 before 8th August. Audience Evolution is the only event that makes sense of the ever-shifting entertainment audience. It will equip you with the YES LOVE, ALRIGHT, WE GET THE BLOODY MESSAGE

Joanna Pocock
Marketing Executive

Holiday Romance - The Facts

August surely is the cruellest month. Cruellest for readers of newspapers, that is. No real news happening? Whack in a completely crappy survey! Or, as a reader from a rather well known media outlet has it:

"Think I've got a great little story for you here!" Can you hear my heart SINK? Do you get out much James? Ever read the papers? Do you not know that the first refuge for any crap release is a piss poor survey?

----- Forwarded by on 29/07/08 01:47 pm -----

Subject: Top 10 UK Destinations For A Holiday Fling...


Think I've got a great little story for you here!

Ahead of SonyBMG's release this week of "Ultimate Holiday Party!" the label have taken a survey out of over 1000 UK residents aged 18-30 regarding holiday romances to find out where exactly you're most likely to have a romantic fling in the UK - and have found proof that you don't need to go abroad to score!

So, results in at the end of last week have shown that these are the top places to meet the girl or man of your dreams:

1. Blackpool
2. Brighton
3. Skegness
4. Great Yarmouth
5. Isle Of Wight
6. Newquay
7. Southend
8. Hunstanton
9. Redcar
10. Clacton

I wondered if you might be able to give this a mention? How Clacton got on there is anyone's guess.


Monday, 28 July 2008

These Pesky Serrated Guitars Are Bleeding Everywhere...

So many terrible music PR cliches, so little time. Bill is, apparently, new to this game (which might explain why he CC'd instead of BCC'd everyone in his address book), but that doesn't mean that phrases like "Newness, not novelty. Equality. Clang, scrape and bang" are any more acceptable. And as for the all-time kerlassic, "Serrated guitars bleed like a stream of consciousness into a chanting chorus reminiscent of..." Jesus! Bill! You're spoiling us with this already! Or, as a reader has it:

Another bad attack of bcc-blindness. Also punctuation blindness. But look, Joy of Sex, Bill Cummings! LOLZ! If only he'd dropped the 'L' in 'Public', it would have been a hat-trick.

From: Bill Cummings []
Date: 2008/7/24

Hi there you may know me for my work at this is my new pr sideline. I bring you news of a new exciting act from Cardiff, any reviews, ep requests, airplay,blog features, interviews newspieces welcome. Cheers

Joy of Sex release their debut self titled EP through their Robot Architect label on the 18th of August it will be accompanied by the free download "December, Month Of Plenty" released through Sound and Vision Downloads on the same day.

Joy of Sex are a new three-piece from Cardiff, two boys and a girl, with a drum machine, stand-up drums and three-way vocals. They agree on several things. Short songs, rhythm, repetition, noise.

Combining menacing cut-up rhythms with triple-barrelled vocal interplay that switches from sinister to playful; a unique concoction that's reminiscent of the taut art-punk dynamics of Wire. They hint at the electro post punk of PiL and share a kinship with fellow Cardiffian's The Victorian English Gentlemen's Club.

It's form meeting function. Newness, not novelty. Equality. Clang, scrape and bang. That is the Joy of Sex.

"December, Month Of Plenty" opens with a chorus of plaintive refrains, before rumbling along pavements of twitching bass and drums. Serrated guitars bleed like a stream of consciousness into a chanting chorus reminiscent of Mission of Burma's finer moments. Short and sharp, clocking in at around the two minute mark.

Friday, 25 July 2008

Read And Learn: Supremely Bad PR

This is something special - it really isn't every day that a press release of such epic awfulness arrives. Where to start? Using *** in the Subject Line is horrible. Who are Freewinder? Who - honestly - cares that they're changed the release date of something? Add what to the schedules? By "fantastically animated", do you mean "fantastic animated", or is the video really, y'know, lively? No one should ever be allowed to write the phrase, "provides lyrics and arrangements in the group". And so it goes on. As an LiS reader has it:

This truly is next-level ineptness. How could Republic Media let this out of the building? As for this bit: "You may have already seen the video, which was animated by Roger Llewellyn in your local Topshop/Topman where it is on rotation as well as Hugo Boss stores, The Body Shop, Coffee Republic and Costa Coffee", I actually felt ill just reading it. For a start, how dare you suggest I hang out in Topman? And why is this Roger Llewellyn character animating stuff in shops anyway? Oh, he's not, you just missed off a crucial comma. Never mind. The record is bound to be absolute horseshit anyway.

------ Forwarded Message
From: "Terry" []
Date: Fri, 25 Jul 2008 16:09:45 +0100
Subject: ***Freewinder Change Of Release Dates***


Quick shout to let you know that Freewinder's beautiful single 'Shooting Stars' is now being released on September 8th and the album (which you will be receiving shortly) will now be hitting the shops on October 6th, so please add to your schedules.

Here is a link to the fantastically animated video that accompanies the single. It features an animated version of 'Patch' who was a rescue dog taken in by Clive Godwin who provides lyrics and arrangements in the group.

You may have already seen the video, which was animated by Roger Llewellyn in your local Topshop/Topman where it is on rotation as well as Hugo Boss stores, The Body Shop, Coffee Republic and Costa Coffee.

If you've missed it previously, below is the press release for 'Shooting Stars'. If you need any further information, please give me a shout.


------ End of Forwarded Message

Have You Got Any Nuclear Waste, Mate?

I know it's all business and that this is the 21st Century (man) and all that, but a phrase like, "Faction Music is a new global brand (that has been) rebranding and refocusing its operation, and is now looking to establish itself as a record label" just makes me feel like my entire life has suddenly been made a little more grey and tedious. On the upside, we can all look forward to the new waxing by Nuclear Waste. So that's good. Unless, of course, you're the person who received this, because then you might be tempted to send it to me with a note reading:

This one has made lose the will to live. I am not effing interested in their global effing strategy, even if it is on a global effing scale...

From: Sam Jones []
Sent: 23 July 2008 16:00
Subject: Faction Music


Faction Music is a new global brand HOW CAN YOU BE A "NEW" GLOBAL BRAND? set up by the former members of the 'd.fazed' promotion collective in Manchester. Over the last six months, Faction has been rebranding and refocusing its operation, and is now looking to establish itself as a record label. Please refer to the literature attached for an overview of what we hope to achieve longer-term, not only in terms of releasing music, but also expanding our promotional activities and establishing a fully-fledged design studio.

The Faction website is nearing the end of the design process, and we are currently negotiating with the owner for a fee for We feel it is imperative to have a '.com' domain, as we aim to compete on a global scale. GOOD LUCK WITH THAT. Until this has been resolved, Faction will be maintaining its visibility on relevant social networking sites(TRANS: WE HAVE A MYSPACE PAGE).

Faction Digital will launch with a selection of four tracks. This release will showcase the uncompromising aesthetic of the music we believe in, and the accompanying artwork will familiarise the market with the label's strong visual identity. The tracks destined for release 001 are:

Amex - Krypton

Paperclip - Casual Virus

Nuclear Waste - Corrupted

Walder & Boro - Toolgrinding

These can all be heard at, in the music player in the top right of the page. In future, Faction Digital will function not only as a breeding ground for new talent, but as a vital platform for the label generally. We have 2 tracks lined up for the second release and plan to sign more once a release date is set for the first. With this approach, we can get the newest, freshest music out to our customers.

Thursday, 24 July 2008

The long-awaited misuse of the compound adjective "long-awaited"

Academy Award winner Jennifer Hudson makes her long-awaited foray into the music scene with her first single ‘Spotlight’ from her debut self-titled album on September 22nd.

Wednesday, 23 July 2008

Wildly Off Target: 4

This just in from a reader in a expensive part of old London town:

Dear Caravan People:
1) I am a showbiz hack
2) I am not a member, nor are my readers, of the NEW CARAVAN GENERATION, whatever that might be.
3) I did quite like the New Power Generation but that was not enough to make me read 'Safeguard is advising this new wave of caravanners to ensure that they have had a trial run towing a caravan before venturing onto the UK's motorways." Trial run on what, the bones of Jeremy Clarkson's children?

-----Forwarded Message

Lucy Sinclair []

This summer could see a stretch of 2,618 miles of caravans and motorhomes, a distance almost the same as the journey from England to Egypt, hitting the roads of Britain. News that is likely to send shivers down Jeremy Clarkson's' spine! GREAT START! KEEP GOING!

This year A COMMA HERE WOULD HAVE BEEN NICE as many people start their summer caravan adventures, thousands are opting to stay closer to home for their holidays. The credit crunch HERE IT IS! has left many holiday makers feeling the pinch, ditching far-off destinations in favour of the UK's caravan parks. NO PROPER HOLIDAY? BAD LUCK :(

Safeguard, one of the leading providers of caravan and motorhome insurance, is warning first time caravanners in particular about the safety and security risks involved in owning caravan and hitting the roads for the first time. BORING!

Safeguard is advising this new wave of caravanners to ensure that they have
had a trial run towing a BORING! BORING!

Rita Sadler, manager of Safeguard, commented: "Due to BEING BORING many people are investing in BORING STUFF as they allow greater BORINGNESS without having to worry about BEING BORING and THE LIKE. First time caravanners need to consider all aspects of BEING INCREDIBLY BORING etcetc.

Top five tips for new caravanners

1. Research your chosen caravan - think about what kind of layout would
2. Be comfortable with the size and weight of the PLEASE STOP
3. Ensure you are aware of hazards when towing and PLEASE!
4. With around 3,500 caravans reportedly NO MORE!
5. Always take your documents with you and know the ENOUGH ALREADY!

For more useful caravanning tips and a glossary of caravanning terminology

- ENDS -

Tuesday, 22 July 2008

Is Mayfair Really In The "Heart Of Theatreland"?

The Dover St restaurant is here. The "Heart Of Theatreland" is here. That means that the Dover St restaurant is - officially - not in Theatreland as it falls to the west of Regent St which, as we all know, is the boundary. And you don't spell "Beddingfield" like that. And the Dover St restaurant might want to check the contact details on their website as the postcode they quote doesn't exist. Other than those small points, it's good work from Top Position PR here. Or, as a reader has it:

Do they not run releases past their clients? Have they ever visited their client? Or are they hoping some local newspaper will not realise that this
perfect place for pre-theatre dining is nowhere near the heart of theatreland?

----- Forwarded by ******** *********** on 21/07/08 05:42 pm -----

"Louise - Top Position"
16/07/08 11:31 am
PR: Dover St: Musical Dining in the Heart of Theatreland
Press Representation: Top
Account Manager: Louise Byrne
Tel: 0800 094 9001

For immediate release

Dover St: Musical Dining in the Heart of Theatreland

Dover Street Restaurant and Jazz Bar is nestled in the heart of Mayfair in London's West End and at the centre of the capital's theatreland NO IT ISN'T. Its prime location has opened up the delights of this jazz bar and French restaurant to a whole new audience: theatre audiences. The restaurant that has gained legions of live music fans, leading to its reputation as one of the best jazz venues in London, is becoming known as a great pre theatre restaurant. THIS DOESN'T MAKE SENSE.

Dover Street is the perfect place to have a pre-theatre dinner in an ambient setting. DO YOU KNOW WHAT AMBIENT MEANS? The d├ęcor is stylish and classic without being formal or stuffy. The dinner jazz provides a relaxing backdrop against which to enjoy great Mediterranean food made to such high standards that, quite apart from the music, Dover Street has become renowned for being one of the best French restaurants in London. NO IT HASN'T.

The venue is just as ideal to visit after the theatre for a quick drink at the bar before heading home, or if you want to make a night of it you can eat until late and see a live band. No matter what evening you plan to take a trip to the theatre, you can get to see some of the best live jazz in London after the show with great bands playing a mix of great musical styles (from jazz and latin to soul and funk) at Dover Street all through the week. Dover Street Restaurant and Jazz Bar is a late night venue, so it fits in perfectly in London's theatreland. GET OVER THIS THEATRE THING ALREADY!

With live bands and resident DJs playing through until 3am, and last orders in the kitchen available up until 2am, the opening hours fit perfectly around even the latest show. WHAT? It's live music bill has featured some fantastic, well-known artists, including Delta Goodrem, Nerina Pallot, Earl Thomas, Brenda Edwards, Daniel Beddingfield and Amy Winehouse. It's prestigious address in the heart of the West End makes it a well-loved choice of local Londoners as well as a draw to the many tourists coming to theatreland STOP! NOW! To find out more about this Mayfair restaurant with a difference, go to

Editor's Note: Dover Street is represented by the search engine
optimisation (SEO) team at Top Position, the online advertising
consultancy. Please direct all press queries to Louise Byrne. Email:

Earning Your Money

It was happy days at Maven Metrics when the Emotional Bliss job came in. At last! The chance to write about sex toys for the older woman! And, naturally, they've shoe-horned in the industry standard Dame Helen Mirren reference. Thanks to a reader in the East London area for this.

Emotional Bliss
Press Release

All hail the power of women of a certain age....

Defying the notion that being sexy and feeling good about oneself is the prerogative of only the young, this week's 'majestic' pictures of Dame Helen Mirren in a bikini at the age of 62 are proof that age certainly does not wither women's desire to express their sexuality.

It may well be an unedifying and uncomfortable prospect for some, but the fact is, women of a certain age are still enjoying an active love life into their later years, or at the very least, want to continue to express their femininity and sensuality.

Recent books such as the international bestseller 'A Round-Heeled Woman : My Late-life Adventures in Sex and Romance' by Jane Juska in 2004 also support the idea that passion and the pursuit of an active sex life is not merely for the young.

As a 2007 study of 3,000 men and women aged 57 to 85 years of age in the US and reported in the New England Journal of Medicine reveals, although sexual activity declined with age, a significant proportion of men and women still had active love lives.

Of those aged 57 to 64, 73 per cent reported sexual activity, as did 53 per cent of those aged 65 to 74. Even 26 per cent of those aged 75 to 85 years of age were still having sex.

Paul Telford, Managing Director of Emotional Bliss, the UK vibrator company, says "A significant proportion of our female customers fall into the 50 to 65 years of age range, particularly for our 'heat' range of vibrators which are specifically tailored towards the sexual needs of older women."

Older women have different sexual needs to younger women and this is borne out by results of the U.S. study in which some women reported problems such as low desire, difficulty with vaginal lubrication and inability to climax.

In recognition of these very distinct issues faced by older women, Emotional Bliss has spent the past five years researching and developing their new 'heat' range of vibrators which are fully tailored to the needs of women aged 40+.

Nerve endings gradually deteriorate naturally due to ageing and also because of smoking, stress and alcohol, which means that more vibration is required with age.

Julia Cole, the psychotherapist, who designed the vibrators for Emotional Bliss, says

"Although research demonstrates that 80 hertz generates orgasms in younger women, women aged 40+ prefer more intense stimulation. This is why we have increased the vibrations in the new 'heat' range of vibrators from 120 to 150 hertz. We've also created innovatory warmth which mimics the heat generated by the labia and clitoris when a woman is highly aroused, increasing her sexual response."


Notes to Editors:

* The new range of Emotional Bliss heat vibrators is available to buy at
* The Womolia Heat is priced at £49.95; the Femblossom Heat at £49.95.
* They are also available to buy online at Victoria Health and via the affiliated Relate website.
* Emotional Bliss vibrators are created to fit the areas of a woman that respond most to sexual arousal - the clitoris and vaginal lips. This makes them more effective and satisfying than traditional internal vibrators.
* Made with medical grade materials, incorporating an anti-bacterial agent that sets new standards against the conventional sex toy industry.

Maven Metrics ~ Online PR, Search Engine Optimisation and Web Analytics | 47 Beaufort Mansions, | Beaufort St, | London | SW3 5AG | United Kingdom

Monday, 21 July 2008

Can You Dig! it?

Shall we be honest for a moment about The Brian Jonestown Massacre? Actually, shall I let a reader be honest for a moment about The Brian Jonestown Massacre? Yes, yes I shall. Apparently, there was an incident at one of their gigs last week in which, um, err... Sorry, I got distracted by a dog eating a piece of ham outside. So, yes, The Brian Jonestown Massacre! Well...

9) No one cares

10) No one cares

11) See 9 and 10 forever and ever and ever.

From:James Sherry []
Sent: 18 July 2008 14:22
To: James Sherry
Cc: James Sherry
Subject: Statement From The Brian Jonestown Massacre
Importance: High

From The Management & The Record Label Of The Brian Jonestown Massacre

With regards to the incident that took place on Wednesday night 16th July 2008 at the Forum in London, the facts are to the story are:

1)There was no knife or knives involved in any shape or form in this incident

2)The cuts to Frankie Emerson were caused by some glass splinters

3)Frankie Emerson injuries were superficial to his arm & stomach, he was treated at the Royal Free Hospital in London .

4)These injuries were caused by horseplay by the band in their own changing room after the gig.

5)Anton Newcombe was questioned at Kentish Police Station to help the police with their enquiries & was released with no charge or caution .

6)Frankie Emerson did not press any charges on Anton Newcombe .

7)Any comments by anyone within or outside the media to the contrary are completely false.

8)The band will continue with their successful European tour

Any further questions about this matter please contact

Thank you from the Brian Jonestown Massacre

Friday, 18 July 2008

Paging Derek Nimmo

It's always a pleasure to see people attempt to be "groovy" when they are clearly such strangers to grooviness that, were they to be placed in the same room, they would spend a deeply uncomfortable 10 minutes talking about the congestion on the A38 before one of them made up a story about having to go to the lavatory just to get away. This effort - sent in from a reader - manages to be awful twice. Once in the covering letter - the phrase "top spinners" has been outlawed since summer 1975 - and then again (and again) in the actual press release, a piece of writing that is, in fact, a lot more entertaining than standing in a tent listening to mouth-breathers from The Horrors and Mystery Jets play crappy records.

Monica Sondhi from Edelman writes: "You can get down and party with them, whilst they are busting out the records that they rock to."

I defy anyone to find - before, say, Christmas - a more ridiculous phrase than that in a press release. There is a prize for the person that does.

Bizarre idea this – six acts, all playing in the same tent, “throughout the festival”. Probably will break some sort of record, but not exactly easy listening.

From: Foster, Roy []
Sent: 17 July 2008 09:43
Subject: Underage Festival: Habbo tent DJ line-up revealed

Today Habbo, the largest virtual worlds for teens, announces the DJ line-up for the Habbo tent and the Underage Festival 2008.

On August 8th, the Habbo tent will host top spinners including Faris Rotter, Frederick Blood-Royale, Good Shoes, Kid Harpoon, Mystery Jets and Young Turks. Each will play an exclusive set throughout the festival.

We have a number of tickets to give away as competition prizes for the Underage Festival, do let me know if you are interested or would like any further information.


Thursday, 17 July 2008

Could This Be Any Less Attractive?

Who fancies this tonight? I'm always up for "skeletal, clunk-punk clatter", personally. Is it possible that there is a band somewhere with a name that's worse than Wet Dog? Actually, I'll answer my own question. "Yes, LiS, there is! And, what's more, they're on the same bill. May I introduce No Bra?"

No Bra: not enjoying the support they once were. I'm amazed that they're still together etcetc...

------ Forwarded Message
From: Andy Fraser
Date: Thu, 17 Jul 2008 12:07:02 +0100
To: Andy Fraser




WETDOG celebrate the release of their debut album ‘Enterprise Reversal’ on Angular Recordings with a London show at Catch on Thursday the 17th of July 2008.


‘Enterprise Reversal’ ‘Enterprise Reversal’, released on CD and vinyl, was recorded over the last few months and features an astonishing twenty one tracks, clocking in at just forty five minutes, including forthcoming single ‘Alibi’.

Formed a couple of years ago with a line up of Rivka Gillieron (vocals & guitar), Billy Easter (bass) and Sarah Datblygu (drums), WETDOG have toured with the likes of Pete and the Pirates, The Long Blondes, Good Shoes, Subway Sect and The Gossip. Counting Geoff Travis and John Kennedy amongst their fans, they’ve invariably been likened to the Raincoats, Slits, Fall and Young Marble Giants, but their skeletal, clunk-punk clatter doesn't really sound like anything else around.

Kew Are You

Wednesday, 16 July 2008

Steve From Coalition - We Salute You

This is what's happening, if you fancy it, drop me a line. if you don't, no biggie, we know they're cool anyway.

Steve from Coalition, you are the Professor of Music PR and your students need you...

------ Forwarded Message
From: Steve
Date: Wed, 16 Jul 2008 12:40:48 +0100
Subject: gigs

dear all...2 concerts on Friday 18th..

xx teens - fabric London
The music - koko London

let me know if you want to come to either?


Tuesday, 15 July 2008

What's Your Band Called Again?

Oh yes, Psychedelic Horsesh*t! And what sort of music do you make? Oh, that's psychedelic horsesh*t too? Great! If I was an A&R man I'd (perhaps only inwardly, but I definitely would) question the sincerity - and possible longevity - of a band that called themselves Psychedelic Horsesh*t. After all, when you've got over the hilarity of the name, there's not much left, is there? Or, as a reader has it:

Cute little asterisk. And I just love their DIY ethic with the Blue Peter approach to sleeve art. And a sprinkler solo! Oh dear, I am literally all out of joy now.

---------- Forwarded message ----------
From: Richard Onslow []
Date: 2008/7/15
Subject: PRESS RELEASE: Psychedelic Horsesh*t


Hope you're well. Next week sees the release of the debut UK single by Columbus, Ohio's Psychedelic Horsesh*t (*t)

'New Wave Hippies' is out on Monday 21st July on Half Machine Records ( on 7" only. Featuring hand made artwork by singer/ guitarist Matt, handed to me in pieces at ATP as he'd made it by taking an old 7" sleeve of bird noises and stapling pictures and words all over it. WHAT A CARD!

The single features 5 tracks -
1. (Intro) Dub Gaze
2. New Wave Hippies (Treated)
3. Portals (5am Demo)
4. Silent Speed
5. Magick Defends Itself Pt. 3

'Portals' and 'New Wave Hippies' both feature on their debut album 'Magic Flowers Droned' out last year on Siltbreeze (Dead C, Guided By Voices, Times New Viking etc). These single versions are different to the album though, NWH features a 'sprinkler solo' for example...

The band will be heading over to the UK in October for a tour and maybe another single and/or album. GREAT NEWS! THANKS!


Richard Onslow
XL Recordings
1 Codrington Mews
London, W11 2EH

Monday, 14 July 2008

Rich People: Thicker Than You Might Have Imagined

If I had to write stuff like this all day every day I would make time to throw myself out of a window before the first eight hours were up. Surely life is worth more than this? Or, as a LiS regular reader has it:
Plenty of cretinism here. It begs the question: if this service costs £50,000 annually, and only 50 places are left, what purpose is served by PRing it?

Friday, 11 July 2008

A Total Ball-Up

I've been trying to imagine how tedious Elizabeth Steel's life must be, having to crank out this sort of pointless rubbish day in and day out. The answer is, clearly, even more tedious than I can imagine, as Ms Steel has been forced into the crushingly awful Beavis & Butthead strategy, whereby on-the-point-of-suicide PRs start crow-barring "hilarious" quips into otherwise bruisingly boring press releases. To whit: "Beating off competition from stiff competition," which manages to be unfunny, crude, badly written and crappy all at the same time! Then there's the stuff about the ball... Oh dear me this is bad. Should Budge PR not be Budget PR? Or, as a regular reader has it:

Hi - these emails seem to be becoming rather frequent.

Thought you might like this one, though. It's not so much the mind-numbingly uninspiring press release that's of interest in this one, as the fact that the PR thought we would actually give a shite about
A) who "Iain" is
B) when he kicked the ball onto the roof.


From: Elizabeth Steel []
Sent: 10 July 2008 11:20
Subject: FW: Biggest Ever Contract Win as Clark Contracts Marks 30 Years ......and the man leading the project wants his ball back

Iain kicked the ball onto the roof was 1976 not 1967 if you are using this story could you please amend?

-----Original Message-----
From: Elizabeth Steel
Sent: 09 July 2008 14:23
Subject: Biggest Ever Contract Win as Clark Contracts Marks 30 Years ......and the man leading the project wants his ball back

BIGGEST EVER CONTRACT WIN AS CLARK CONTRACTS MARKS 30 YEARS ...and the man leading the project wants his ball back

Clark Contracts has kicked off its thirtieth anniversary celebrations in style by landing its biggest ever contract.

The Paisley-headquartered construction firm has been awarded a £7.6 million contract by Renfrewshire Council to refurbish Johnstone High School, part of the Schools Estate Strategy Phase 2A plan.

The team from Clark Contracts starts work on the multi-million pound refurbishment of the 1,200 pupil secondary school in August immediately on completion of a similar project at Castlehead High School.

The refurbishment project is due for completion in 2009 in time for the new school year to begin and will see widespread improvements to the school including the complete renewal of the Mechanical & Electrical Services, installation of a new lift, alterations to room configurations and complete internal redecorations to ensure that the school's facilities fully meet the standards established in Renfrewshire.

Beating off BEATING OFF - BRILLIANT! competition from stiff STIFF - BRILLIANT competition to land the work, Gordon Cunningham MD at Clark Contracts said: "Eighty per cent of our business is repeat business and this is because we consistently deliver a quality service for our customers. This is clearly the case with Renfrewshire Council who have worked with us on a wide range of projects over the last twenty years including most recently Castlehead High School & Houston Primary School."

The project will be led by Iain Blair, Clark Contracts' Commercial Director and former pupil of the school. He is hoping to be reunited with the ball he last saw when he kicked it on to the roof of the gym in 1967.

Media contact for further information: Elizabeth Steel at Budge PR

Wednesday, 9 July 2008

Women: Is The News Too Hard For You To Understand?

If so, I have great news. June Sarpong has launched a "lifestyle" website that aims to help. Read the following press release first (I liked the bit about "honest" - PR'd - celebrity gossip and the crapola about "Stylish News") then have a look at the actual result. The Lily Cole "blog" is, quite honestly, the worst thing I have ever read on the internet.
EDIT: LiS reader Rhodri has pointed out that Lily Cole's blog has been removed. Why was it ever allowed up?

In July 2008 television personality and broadcaster June Sarpong will launch her newly created lifestyle website: Fusing politics with gossip, entertainment with fashion and news with celebrity blogs Politics and the City will act as an original platform for young women to discover global news and express their own opinions on current issues.

June’s decision to create Politics and the City derived from a growing concern that broadcasters, within programmes for young people, were avoiding allocating regular time to politics or news. June recognised that young people were interested in these topics and needed a space in which they could learn about both their favourite celebrity and discover what was happening in politics and news across the world.

The site will house an array of exciting celebrity blogs including Kylie Minogue. Lilly Cole, Tamara Mellon, Kelly Hoppen, Charlotte Stockdale, Natasha Bedingfield, Kathy Lette, Shami Chakrabarti, Baroness Amos and many more

June Sarpong says “I’m thrilled and excited to be launching Politics And the City making politics more accessible for a younger audience has been a long passion of mine and having so many inspiring and interesting women be part of it makes it even more meaningful”

The site is split into five main sections each specialising in it’s own area of news and popular culture:

Politics in the City – Politics in the city provides an accessible look at what’s happening in politcs both nationally and globally
Glossy Wire – Glossy wire is the celebrity news source filled with celebrity personal blogs and the latest in honest celebrity gossip
Informed Post – The latest national and international news presented in a style that speaks to the woman who wants to know today what is happening tomorrow
Stylish News – Stylish News is the destination site for women who demand up to date knowledge of all aspects of style and beauty
Daily Melody – Offering news, reviews and interviews, the Daily Melody is a must for any music lover

For more information please call Nick Rogers or Celena Aponte at The Outside Organisation

Monday, 7 July 2008

Any Jbos Gnoig?

I've removed all trace of who this came from as even I have a bit of a heart. But I will say this, if you're pitching yourself as a master of celebrity tittle tattle, then it really is worth your while making sure you've properly cracked the spelling of "quotes" and "stories". Other than that, nice work...

Friday, 4 July 2008

As Liked By Adrian Young!

Who's Adrian Young anyway? If I'd written this press release I'd have simply written, "She's A Goth!" and left it there. Perhaps this is why I'm not in PR :(

Thursday, 3 July 2008

An Actual Letter...

This has just arrived. Does anyone else remember the Atomic Kitten press release the reader mentions? I always feel a bit aggrieved when I miss out on a classic (even if it was about eight years ago).

I wish I'd known about your site before, I used to get some beauties. Most would have been before you started it, though. My favourite ever fuck-up that I can recall is - oh no! - actually there's two that jostle for position:

1) A web thing with Atomic Kitten that was advertised thus: "The girls promise that the chat will be no holes barred!!"

2) Mansun - lovely affectionate blurb to go with their best-of described them as "transsexuals". I think they meant "transvestites". I'm afraid I emailed the PR and said I would be interested to know the name of their surgeon as it was a pretty good job. Is that so wrong?

I may have cause to send you some soon. All stand and say "ooh goody".

"Hairier Than Nancy Dell-Olio's Landline.."

Designing a phone for charity is admirable. Unless it turns out like this one. Did no one at the British Red Cross not look at what Sven's ex turned in and think, 'You know what? I'm not sure this is really on message..."? Or, as a reader has it:

The beauty of this is not only the utterly shite email, plugging an admittedly valiant charity with a pepperami wearing mascara - but when you scroll down and see the pictures of the monstrosity:


From: "Stacy Cooksley (Custard PR)" []
Date: 30 June 2008 11:24:17 BST
Subject: Nancy Dell'Olio Reveals Customised Home Phone In Support Of British Red Cross

London, 30 June 2008: Italian style icon, Nancy Dell’Olio today unveils her latest customised item in support of the British Red Cross. The phone, a Doro NeoBio has been decorated in a Rio carnival style. The one-off stylised phone will be auctioned off via eBay to the highest bidder at the end of May. All proceeds will be donated to the British Red Cross. Miss Dell’Olio said: “I really enjoyed customising the NeoBio, I am crossing my fingers that we will be able to raise a lot of money for this really worthwhile charity. Please bid and help me help others.”

The NeoBio has been transformed from its original sleek white look to a flamboyant, carnival styled phone AND THEN SOME, LOVE, the same distinct fashion look that the fashionista is famous for. The phone is set to become a collector’s item as it is a one off and signed by Nancy.

Wednesday, 2 July 2008

Sticking It To The Kids

To be honest, I couldn't care less whether Drinkstuff - great name - want to demonise and belittle certain sections of society for their own profit. They didn't invent the game, they're just playing it. However, they could at least decide which side of the fence it is they want to sit on otherwise they might slip about a bit and lose the tiny amount of balls they actually have. Or, as a regular LiS contributor has it:

Love the copy on this flyer. Apparently it's a "hilarously offensive game", but while it "may seem completely offensive", it's actually a "hilarious board game." In the midst of this semantic/syntactic muddle, the recipient of this pitch will discover that the whole thing is hilarious for all the wrong reasons while also being offensive in ways that Nicola-Lyn Waite @ Zero To One can't even begin to imagine. In the mean time, let's all laugh at the poor people! String them up! Put them in the stocks! Bring back hanging! Etc!

Begin forwarded message:
From: "Nicola-Lyn Waite" []
Date: 1 July 2008 10:44:47 BDT
To: []
Subject: Brand New Limited Edition - The Chav Master Board Game

This is the newest addition to the Drinkstuff website – a hilariously offensive limited edition board game entitled Chav Master. I have included the press release below for you as I thought it might interest you.

Many thanks
Nicola-Lyn Waite
zero2one PR

Upping The Incompetencity

Another short but sweet beauty. Did no one at Rough Trade think it was worth telling Ms Walton that you should put people's private email addresses in the BCC column, not the CC column? The reader who received this - a few days after the email about The Long Blondes that remains in the subject line - was surprised to find every email that the Rough Trade PR department have on their database laid out before them. Alongside theirs. Still, it's more friendly that way, right?

And who's Nick Hennessy? I still don't know. If you can't be bothered to format an email correctly, I certainly can't be bothered to waste any time on your two-bits acts. Or, as the reader has it:

Don't you just shake your head in bafflement that PRs can keep their jobs when they can't perform the most basic of basic aspects of it? It kind of makes me fume, just as it does with writers - you KNOW there are hundreds of people who'd kill for that job and could do it 50 times better. The frightening thing is, even though Roxy's managed to squeeze in one huge error into a such a small space - she's pluralised the poor guy when there's presumably only one of him - I still know of even more more hapless PRs than her...


---------- Forwarded message ----------
From: Roxy Walton []
Date: 2008/6/26
Subject: A Statement From The Long Blondes


Internationally acclaimed artists Nick Hennessey is not to be missed visit