Thursday, 30 April 2009

Spurn My Spawn

Swine flu: on the downside it kills people. On the upside, according to Holly at Bite PR, it's involved in the fight against useless spam.

---------- Forwarded message ----------
From: Holly Axelrad []
Date: Tue, Apr 28, 2009 at 5:04 PM
Subject: Swine flu spurns spamming frenzy
Cc: SymantecEnt []

Hi there,
As the swine flu outbreak in Mexico and the United States gains BORING.

In the past, such current event spam campaigns included sending BORING.

One of the samples simply informs recipients of the BORING.

If you would like to speak to Symantec, please contact us on or on 0208 *** 3504.

Kind regards,


Wednesday, 29 April 2009

Brest In Show

This just in from a senior LiS reporter situated behind enemy lines...

Dear LiS, according to the subject field of this email, Philips Avent seems to be suggesting that mothers would do well do offer their babies the noted French seaport and naval base, Brest. The Finisterre, Brittany town's attractions include the Jardin botanique de l'Hôpital d'Instruction des Armées Clermont-Tonnerre and a botanical garden specialising in endangered species, while the locale was also the setting for the 1982 art film Querelle. What suckling infant would not be truly nourished by all this? OK, so the rest of it is OK (if crushingly dull), but is it really so hard to just read the thing before you send it? And f*** knows why all this nonsense comes to me...

From: "Anais Roc" []
Date: 28 April 2009 13:23:55 BDT
To: "Philips Avent" []
Subject: Give your baby the brest start in life!

Tuesday, 28 April 2009

I Feel Almost Sorry For Him. Almost. UPDATE

This just in from a "long-time reader, rare contributor".

Just a quick postscript to your story. As one one of the posters has already hinted, the supposedly random punter quoted in the release, "Jayne Ward from Staffordshire" bears a curious resemblance to the name of the PR company Ward Lovett, who have produced this dull bollocks.

And funnily enough it has a PR account director called Jayne Ward from Cannock, Staffordshire

But that still doesn’t stop them from quoting Jayne Ward from Cannock as if she were a random member of the public. Only sometimes they do so through the super-subtle method of dropping the “y” from her name to disguise it. Oooh. That’ll fox 'em!

"For Jane Ward and her family, from Cannock in Staffordshire, it was the first time they had been to the dogs. She said: “The stadium was really busy and it was a great atmosphere. We were laughing all the way through the human race and we will definitely be back to watch the dogs again soon.” Presumably because she was paid to be there.

What a bunch of lazy tw@ts.

Keep up the good work.

Yours, a hack who writes educational stuff.

Friday, 24 April 2009

I Feel Almost Sorry For Him. Almost.

I think this might be the most tragic, pointless email of all time. The precious seconds of Clive's life are ticking away and he's sat at his desk in Cannock tip-tapping on his 4-year-old Dell banging out this crap for, what?, 30 grand a year? Might this be the moment to resurrect the phrase, Kill Me Now? Thanks to a senior LiS reporter in the field for this heart-breaking amazingness.

How Not To Do PR Masterclass No. 45,983:

Clive "hopes this is of interest". The pathos of it all, it's like a Greek tragedy.

Begin forwarded message:
From: "" []
Subject: Dunlop to reveal Mini owners’ secrets


kind regards

Have you ever owned a mini? Did you give it a name? Would it have a story to tell?
The mini is 50 this year and the organisers of the Dunlop Great & British Motorsport Festival are looking for some Mini stories, just out of curiosity - perhaps you have one yourself?

We've opened up the subject online and have already had some interesting names!

A Northumberland man has already told us that his 3 year old daughter calls his mini 'Rusty Toilet'. Asked why he said that they've made up a song about it to the tune of twinkle twinkle little star...

Twinkle twinkle chocolate bar, Daddy drives a rusty car. Pull the handle, pull the choke, off we go with a puff of smoke. Twinkle twinkle chocolate bar, Daddy drives a rusty car!

I hope this is of interest - and naturally, if you'd like to come along to the event at Rockingham we'll be happy to put you on the Press Guest List.


Dunlop reveals mini owners’ secrets
The Mini celebrates its BORING...

Dunlop Motorsport’s Communications Manager James Bailey said; “BORING.”

Bailey, who has admitted to BORING.

“When we were planning the BORING.”

Jayne Ward from Staffordshire was one of the first to tell all on Dunlop’s ‘driversknow’ website. She said; “BORING.”

The first Dunlop Great & British Motorsport Festival of the season is BORING.


Clive Reeves
PR Director

t.01543 501111 f.0871 715 1812 m.07786 735010
Virtual press office
Ward Lovett | Morston Court | Kingswood Lakeside | Cannock | WS11 8JB

Tuesday, 21 April 2009

Racial Awareness

Unbelievable! This is a new low from the PR industry, surely? I, like most people, try not to forget my sense of humour when I'm thinking about the violent destruction of 6 million lives - it was a long time ago, right? - but it takes a specially abled person to caption a piece about a film based on the life of the man who saved more than a thousand Polish refugees during the holocaust, "Would Jew Believe It?".


Thank you Libby at SWNS for lowering the bar another few large notches. I hope the pay-packet is worth it.

From: []
Sent: 21 April 2009 10:51
To: NationalNews



Schindler's List was yesterday (Tue) named the greatest war movie of all time.

The 1993 movie which starred Liam Neeson and won seven Oscars, tells the true story of businessman Oskar Schindler.

Schindler became an unlikely hero during WWII when he turned his factory into a refuge for Jews who were facing death in concentration camps.

Second place went to 1963 film The Great Escape, which is based on the true story of a allied group of prisoners of war to launch an ambitious plan to escape from the Nazis.

Third place in the poll of 3,000 movie fans was Tom Hanks' blockbuster saving Private Ryan, which is set around the Allied invasion of Normandy in 1944.

Enemy at the Gates, starring Jude Law and Rachel Weisz, was fourth place, followed by 1995 hit Braveheart with Mel Gibson as Scottish rebel William Wallace.

Colonel Martin Gibson, Chief Executive of war veterans charity Erskine, said: ''Schindler's List is a story that evokes the deepest emotions and ensures the Holocaust will never be thought of in the same way again.

''Of the 75,000 veterans we have cared for many remember with startling alacrity the horrors of WWII and most importantly the unsung heroes of those dark days.''

Vietnam War film, Apocalypse Now came sixth place, while 1939 classic Gone with the Wind was at number seven.

Eighth place went to The Bridge on the River Kwai while Where Eagles Dare and Platoon completed the top ten.

Other films to feature in the poll include The Dirty Dozen, Kelly's Heroes, The Pianist and Lawrence of Arabia.

Colonel Gibson added: ''Watching War Movies can bring out mixed emotions in everyone - nostalgia, sadness and a huge respect for everyone who has ever fought in a war.

''We are asking people to watch one of these wonderful films which will hopefully be a reminder of the sacrifices that our fellow countrymen and women made - and are still making and ultimately inspire them to help Erskine by making a donation.

''It is to be hoped that films of the future will honour the brave men and women of today's conflicts and peace keeping initiatives both in Iraq and Afghanistan, who are once again putting their lives on the line for their country.''

Great Escape Veteran Jack Harrison, RAF, aged 96 said: ''The Great Escape film had good background but the character played by Steve McQueen didn't exist. I think he must have been created for the Box Office takings in America.

''We did have Americans in the camp, they helped us with the tunnel called Harry but they were shifted out to another camp before the escape began.

''I am pleased that the film came second in the survey and that our efforts during WWII are appreciated to this day.''


1. Schindler's List (1993)

2. The Great Escape (1963)

3. Saving Private Ryan (1998)

4. Enemy at the Gates (2001)

5. Braveheart (1995)

6. Apocalypse Now (1979)

7. Gone with the Wind (1939)

8. The Bridge on the River Kwai (1957)

9. Where Eagles Dare (1968)

10. Platoon (1986)

11. The Dirty Dozen (1967)

12. The Longest Day (1962)

13. Escape to Victory (1981)

14. Black Hawk Down (2001)

15. Memphis Belle (1990)

16. The Deer Hunter (1978 )

17. Kelly's Heroes (1970)

18. Full Metal Jacket (1987)

19. The Pianist (2002)

20. Lawrence of Arabia (1962)


Wednesday, 15 April 2009

When The Chips Are Down...

... Take up a hellish, corporate cash-pile to say "Yay" or "Nay" to some bullshit, sub-sub-sub-Hoxton art-wankery brought to you by Wrigleys. Yes, Wrigleys, the chewing gum people. We have reached a stage in our development where the people who make the single most useless, disposable product imaginable are telling us who is "cool" and who, by the same token, isn't. Does that make you want to be dead a little bit more than you did before? It certainly does for this LiS reporter situated in postcode where I once met Girls Aloud. True story.

Hello LiS. This is a disastrous corporate tie-up in which the Wrigley company has tried to make chewing gum "cool" by giving a briefcase of crisp tenners to "style" magazine Vice and last year's electropop favourites, Hot Chip. The end result is everyone looks grubby.

My favourite quote:
"...let Hot Chip, whose name alone suitably conjures up touch and taste, decide whether you’ll be supporting them on the night." And then there's the whole "Sense5" conceit. Oh Jesus...

---------- Forwarded message ----------
From: Cherrill, Tom (LDN-GHI) []
Subject: Hot Chip join VICE in the search for groundbreaking talent to curate Creating Sense5

Musician, Mixologist, Designer, Artist, DJ or Photographer?

VICE magazine, known as ‘the coolest in the world’ HAHAHAHAHAHA!, has today launched a competition to find five creative talents for The Creating Sense5 party – with award winning band Hot Chip selecting the winning talent and curating the gig.

To mark the arrival of 5, VICE are looking for creative genius in any form including mixologists, designers, photographers, artists – anything, like the gum PRODUCT PLUG!, that intrigues and exhilarates the senses.

Enter the competition and you could be (TRANS: WON'T BE) personally chosen by Hot Chip and other optimally attuned BRILLIANT experts, to show off your talent at an exclusive event on the 4th of June. Creating Sense5 will be a launch packed full of exactly the right people who should see it; Hot Chip, VICE, the media (TRANS: DRUNKS), and a sensorially inquisitive crowd.

5 takes inspiration from the human senses and so the competition hopes to uncover creative talent that can cleverly stimulate them with flair, imagination and individuality RIGHT.

And if you’re in a band, are a mixing marvel or a lone-vocalist enter now and let Hot Chip, whose name alone suitably conjures up touch and taste, decide whether you’ll be supporting them on the night. Hot Chip will be performing a very special DJ Set and they’ve even invited some special guests to appear as well (to be revealed TRANS: THEY HAVEN'T EVEN THOUGHT ABOUT IT YET).

So what’s your idea for the event? Do you want to build a pitch-black Velcro cocoon to explore touch? NO! THAT WOULD BE AWFUL! Go for it! Do you have an oyster and pea ice-cream recipe? NO! THAT WOULD BE AWFUL! Let’s taste it! Do you want to compose a digital-punk sound experience with lasers? NO! THAT WOULD BE AWFUL! Let’s hear it!

Alongside Hot Chip, VICE has secured an incredible line up of optimally attuned experts OH, SHUT UP WITH THIS CRAP to sit on the Creating Sense5 panel and turn on their titillated nerve endings EH? to judge your work. From award winning video director to a duo who make cocktails out of architecture, the panel selecting the winners are Bompas and Parr WHO? (smell), Nova Dando WHO? (touch), Kinga Burza LIKE BURGER KING? (sight), Rachel Edward Stuart WHO? (taste) and of course Hot Chip (sound). The five winners will be given a huge promotional leg-up as they show off their creations and skills at the coolest event of the year THAT'S SPONSORED BY THE PEOPLE WHO MAKE CHEWING GUM.

The first 15 entries will also receive free tickets to Creating Sense5, and if you have no such talents but want to come along to see Hot Chip, and bask in the sensorial melting pot SHUT UP ALREADY they will be curating with VICE and 5, there are loads of tickets up for grabs too.

So what’s 5 all about? The new premium gum PREMIUM GUM! from Wrigley takes inspiration from the five human senses and, through its unique mouth-watering and long-lasting flavours, delivers a full and intriguing sensorial experience I HOPE THEY'RE PAYING YOU WELL FOR THIS CRAP. 5 gum distinguishes itself from other brands with its unique sleek black design, minimalist pack style and bold communications HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! *breathes* HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!, and will be introduced in three flavours from June: a cooling peppermint flavour COBALT™, a crisp tropical flavour PULSE™ and a tingling spearmint flavour ELECTRO™ GREAT NAMES!


Tuesday, 7 April 2009

Keeping Abreast Of Events

This just in from an LiS reporter in the field.

This genuinely made me laugh and laugh. I love how he gets all over-excited and misspells that brilliantly awful pun as soon as the release starts. But also, this is a great example of a terrible pseudo-news release pretending to be urgent and in fact being entirely relevance-free. (And when I received it the whole thing was in like 20 point as if it were SHOUTING.)

But then again - haha! Buffwaffe! Hahaha! Then again, Muffwaffe would have been funnier.

---------- Forwarded message ----------
From: Johnny Beverton [Outpost]


SOME Festival is currently seeking legal advice regarding the proposed attendance of 30 nudist ravers from Berlin who have contacted the festival via a link on the new website. Festival Director BLOKE'S NAME said: ‘I think it all started two years ago when we had a guy from San Francisco stark naked and painted purple from head to toe cavorting round the festival all weekend. At one point he was picked up by security, but we had him released as he was actually quite entertaining and a really nice bloke.”

The man BLOKE refers to also attended last year’s Festival but was this time painted orange. YES, YES, GET ON WITH IT NOW. When he arrived on site he was given a hero’s welcome by the Festival crowd and it seems that somehow the word has since reached Germany that SOME FESTIVAL is sympathetic to nudists. OK - HERE WE GO THEN...

The group of nudist ravers who have got in touch with SOME Festival regarding their attendance attend selected summer dance events in Germany including the BLAH Festival, where, apparently, a liberal attitude towards public nudity exists. ‘We are not too sure what to do to be honest’ said BLOKE. ‘I asked them if they would be prepared to wear fig leaves or something and even explained that it can get chilly in England in the summer, and that THIS IS RUBBISH, BUT KEEP GOING ANYWAY maybe, at least the guys amongst them might be happy to cover up their shortcomings, but they said it was out of the question as it would compromise their right to party naked. I told them they could probably get away with it provided they all paint themselves different colours and don’t hassle anybody.’

SOME Festival are all up for people letting their freak flag out, after all, that’s what the SOME Festival is all about at the end of the day YEAH, SURE. TRY SELLING DRUGS OR TAKING IN YOUR OWN ALCOHOL OR HAVING SEX IN THE OPEN TO SEE HOW KEEN THEY REALLY ARE ON YOU LETTING YOUR "FREAK FLAG FLY".. Ideas being bounced include creating a nudist enclosure and calling it Buffwaffe.

SOME Festival lawyers are looking into the legal connotations of knowingly allowing a group of people to commit mass indecent exposure at a ticketed event. YEAH, I BET.

SOME won Best Dance Festival at last year’s BLAHBLAH Awards and is a 10,000 capacity event, visited by dance music and free spirited aficionados from around the world (IE TWATS). SOME is known as one of Europe’s best underground electronic festivals and will blahblahblahlblahblah....[sniiiippp]

Wednesday, 1 April 2009

How Television Works: 1

This just in from a senior LiS reporter working out there on the front line. If you had even just a shred of respect left for the 7 or 8 poor bastards left working at ITV, then you might find this a bit upsetting. If you don't, then you'll love it.

Good afternoon. Below is something truly terrible, from one of the UK’s most massive entertainment brands. Just awful. But I suppose if you were a flack then you might just be interested – in return of course for “the possibility that your product may get caught on camera!!”

Please - just kill me now? Exclamation point times two.

Helmet Cool

Remember when you couldn't open a newspaper without reading about Natasha Richardson? This was sent to me then, but I was disgracefully slow in dealing with it. But, rather like the Cameron / Halliday email, this seems to show that, on hearing of a newsworthy death, a PR's first, perhaps only, concern is to flog product. It sort of makes you a little bit sick, doesn't it?