Thursday, 31 January 2008

Can We Have This Person Shot?

Any chance whatsover that I would feel like picking up the Winona CD from my desk and actually playing it has been killed stone dead by this deathless twaddle from the press release...

What kind of halfwit writes this crap?

Imagination Breakdown

This exciting news just in from that most exciting of bands, The Kooks.
April 14th will see the release of ‘Konk’, the eagerly awaited new album from The Kooks. It is their second album, and theBLAHBLAHBLAHBLAH... ‘Konk’ was recorded over a six week period at the tail-end of 2007 in Ray Davies’ Konk Studios in north London, plus a week at Los Angeles’ Sound Factory.

Explaining how he came to suggest the album title, guitarist Hugh says, ‘I just started thinking how cool the studio is, and how much of a part of our sound it is.’

Is that really the best you can do? Really? Shall we just kill ourselves now or shall we wait until after pudding?

Monday, 28 January 2008

Now There's An Interesting Offer...

Here's my chance to buy an interview with Janet Jackson! Great, perhaps she'll talk honestly and openly about her family and it's incredible rise and fall, the Faustian pact they all made with a relentlessly cruel industry and how none of them have really come out unharmed! Oh, no, hang on, it's about dieting :(

Hi ****
Below please find today’s menu.
Let me know what you’d like to read.

SUBJECT: Discipline; Yo Yo dieting
AUTHOR: Rachel Clark
WORDS: 4692
SYNOPSIS: Sitting in her New York hotel, Trump International opposite
Central Park, Janet is wearing tight jeans, black Gucci boots which
reach over her knees, a burgundy motorcyle jacket and her hair is
stick straight.  She looks glamorous and BLAHBLAHBLAHBLAHBLAH

At Last, Some Good News About Nirvana

Chamber-rock trio Rasputina (fronted by former Nirvana cellist Melora Creager) arrive for their first ever UK shows in London this week in support of the just-released and much acclaimed sixth full-length release Oh Perilous World.

They play The Windmill in Brixton on Monday January 28th closely followed by The Queen Elizabeth Hall at London‚s South Bank Centre on Tuesday January 29th where they're appearing as Robyn Hitchcock's special guests.

For further information, CDs, interview requests BLAHBLAHBLAHBLAH...

They had a cellist? Who knew?

Tuesday, 15 January 2008

"2008 will be full of fun and love for us all"

Literally, kill me now. You might want to clikck on this to have a better look at the amazingness. I have no idea who Astrella is, but she seems to be interested in "forcing network television and international radio" (is there any such thing as "international radio"?) into producing "socially conscious programming". Good luck with that, love. Now, put the laptop down and make me a nice cup of tea, eh?

Monday, 14 January 2008

Oh God This Is So Exciting I Might Actually Die

I don't mean to sound jaded, but don't you think having a SCREAMING GREAT HEADLINE about MEDIA ALERTS might, when you're talking about The Wombats and The Thrills playing a gig (ie, two entirely ordinary outifts doing what entirely ordinary outfits too), just be OVERSTATING THE IMPORTANCE OF THE WHOLE THING A LITTLE?


Date: Wed, 16 May 2007 15:09:43 +0100

Saturday 23rd and Sunday 24th June 2007
Knowsley Hall, Liverpool / 1PM ˆ 11PM

The Knowsley Hall Music Festival line up just gets stronger! After making history when thousands of tickets were snapped up in the first few hours of going on sale, the countdown has begun for the biggest festival to ever to hit the North West lands in Liverpool! Now, with less than 6 weeks to go more of this summers most hotly tipped new artists are set to take their place on stage in this summer‚s best festival line up.

Knowsley HQ are delighted to announce the latest stellar additions to the main stage these include The Thrills, Ross Copperman and The Wombats!

Hailing from Ireland, The Thrills successful second album ŒLets Bottle Bohemia‚ unleashed their infectious, playful sound into the mainstream. Now the effervescent 5-piece are still working the magic for their ardent fan-base, taking time out the studio to shine some of their sun-charged classics at Knowsley Hall Festival!

Local lads The Wombats have been championed by the likes of BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH

Friday, 11 January 2008

History Rewritten

Just when you think, you know what, I've heard enough about The Beatles to last me a lifetime, some new facts appear. Such as the band were "producing their first demo record in 1963". Wow. Now, call me snippy, but I could have sworn they were pretty well established by then. Still, the stuff about cheeky busking is good (in the sense that it's atrocious rubbish).

Date: Wed, 13 Jun 2007
Subject: The Beatles 'From Liverpool To San Francisco 1963 - 1968' DVD Out 20.08.07



During the grim 1950‚s when Britain was still recovering from post war blues - four cheeky, young lads from Liverpool, with an eye for the big time, took to busking and with a steely determination were convinced they had the talent to make records. In just a couple of years from producing their first demo record in 1963 they became the most famous musical men on the planet. On 20th August 2007 the story of that journey from anonymity to superstardom will debut on DVD, as Liberation Entertainment release The Beatles From Liverpool To San Francisco 1963 - 1968‚.

Using footage from the archives of ITN, Reuters and Pathe this DVD also includes a rare 1963 interview with the Beatles and Ken Dodd. The documentary analyses how they became so popular, why the dream died and the legacy left behind.

Thursday, 10 January 2008

Aunty's Bloomer

When I receive my Lifetime Achievement Award from the BBC I sincerely hope they remember to put in a few hastily-gathered Wiki-tails of my high and low lights and don't whack it out to every single person on the BBC's email list - that'll be a few people, I'll be bound - with the legend, "This is where the description paragraph should go, it should not be long and is to the point" right there across the middle...

From: "BBC Press Office"
Date: Thu, 10 Jan 2008 10:17:44 -0000
Subject: BBC alert: Radio 2 Lifetime Achievement Award for John Martyn

Radio 2 Lifetime Achievement Award for John Martyn - This is where the description paragraph should go, it should not be long and is to the point. Press release on the BBC Press Office website:

For more information reply to this email or contact ***, BBC Radio 2 Publicity, on 020 7765 4330

Style Wars

In 2008, is it really acceptable to send an email like this? And what does it all mean? What's the point of it all? If I was the person who sent this out I would go home and cry myself to sleep every single night of the year wondering why my life was so hollow and aimless. And then I'd ask myself why, if it's my job to send out emails, why I didn't make sure they turned up in a readable state.

X-Mailer: Direct Mail for Mac OS X
Message-id: <>
MIME-Version: 1.0
Content-Type: multipart/mixed;

Content-Type: multipart/alternative;

Content-Type: text/plain;
Content-Transfer-Encoding: quoted-printable

Last summer Mental Overdrive (aka Per Martinsen) put his first Exclusive Mu=sic offering (EM001) up for sale on eBay, in the shape of Mental Overdrive'=s track =22Elephantastic=21=22, to be sold in one exclusive master copy to = the highest bidder.

Unfortunately, it failed to reach the eBay 'reserve price', and did not sel=l (the auction closed with the highest bid left at 760 USD).

=22Elephantastic=21=22 was therefore put out as a regular digital single re=lease to great reviews, and is now available through most download stores.=

Now they're ready to offer Exclusive Music EM002.

Mental Overdrive is currently finishing a new album for release through Nor=wegian label Smalltown Supersound in 2008. The album will be titled =22You =are being manipulated=22, and will contain 11 tracks.

In connection to this album, a new auction will be on offer from January 4t=h and for 10 days onwards, closing on January 14th - this time with no rese=rve price at all=21

The winner of the new auction will be granted to compose a short message to be recorded as a backwards =22hidden=22 message - in true occult rock'n'ro=ll fashion - inserted somewhere appropriate within the music on the new alb=um.

This will be done in the most professional way, with the typical low-pitche=d, bass-heavy voice often heard in messages of this nature.

The message can be anything from a personal declaration like =22John loves =Julie=22, to smart advertising campaigns like =22Buy (insert your brand or =product here)=22, or =22Read (insert name of your magazine here)=22.

This campaign is of course fuelled by purely commercial motives, but we sti=ll reserve the right to decline to accept and promote messages from brands =or companies we consider to be =22unethical=22.

This means dealers of nuclear missiles or severly polluting products should=not consider to bother placing their bids at all. If you're not sure wethe=r you are =22ethical=22 or not, just look deep within your heart. You will know who you are.

Auction link:

Any enquiries should be directed to:

Wednesday, 9 January 2008

This Story's Full of Holes

What’s a couldron?

Date: Wed, 22 Aug 2007 15:59:30 +0100
Subject: MINUS THE BEAR - Dec UK Tour / Album release / Single info...


“A curvaceous pop-couldron, like Mars Volta going mainstream” NME   


A Questionable Sport

On cold winter evenings I like to pull this one out of the filing cabinet and read it all over again. I honestly can't believe that a professional outfit would allow this sort of crapola to be released with their name on. But what do I know? Anyway, enjoy... The phrase "Never have vocals and piano been crafted to beautifully" will live with me forever.

Date: Thu, 31 May 2007 11:31:45 +0100
Subject: A Night Of Football and Fantastic Music

A night of Football, Fish'n'Chips and Fantastic Music

Wednesday 6 June sees England take on Estonia in the Estonian capital of Talinn, a must win game for both teams as part of their Euro 2008 qualification.

And while England will be joined by David Beckham, we will be joined by Estonian singer/songwriter sensation Hannah who, like Posh and Becks, is an easily recognisable icon.

In Estonia, Hannah has been recording and topping the charts for many years. Never have vocals and piano been crafted to beautifully.

That recognition is about to become universal with her debut international album Everything Is Changing. The first single from that album, 'You Are', was released digitally on 28 May.

Since the release of her first single when she was just 17, Hannah has released five albums. All self-penned, all yielding chart hits, all drawing critical acclaim and awards - in fact her second album 'Ballads' is Estonia's best-selling album, by a female artist, of all time.

Hannah: "'You Are' is about a relationship in today's society, where work, success and its trappings can be detrimental to the relationship. It's about a man, who wants to be strong and successful but who has lost the ability to share and communicate on an emotional level, to admit that he has feelings and a weaker side."

So come join us for an evening of Hannah and football; meet Hannah and enjoy the music before and after the game. Fish and chips at half time. Beer and wine also available.

It should be a very enjoyable evening.

Very enjoyable. Yes. I'm sure.

"Think Portishead, Townes Van Zandt..."

I'm getting no work done because every time I look in my Inbox it's brim-full of clichés:

Reveal Records (home to Joan As Police Woman, Kris Drever, Lau… et al) will be releasing the debut album by MADAM on March 3rd 2008.

The project of raven haired hustler Sukie Smith, MADAM make music for outlaws, cowboys and glamour girls.

Think Portishead, Velvet Underground, Nick Cave, Townes Van Zandt…MADAM conjure a magical and dangerous world of lost highways, dying love, whiskey-soaked mistakes and cigarette-smoke philosophy.

Inventive yet familiar, stamping all over 3-chord banality – MADAM project a musical honesty and fragility against a stunning visionary backdrop of Lynchian dreams and shattered Americana…beautiful, twisted, confessional late-night conversations soaked in bar-fly brilliance.

Assembling a posse of pale riders to form MADAM, Sukie finally has a group of hired hands to perform her songs live . Dark, maudlin widescreen vignettes are what make up the album ‘In Case Of Emergency’. An atmospheric filmic quality resides on this extraordinary debut.

I would pick out particularly offensive passages but it seemed too mean. The final sentence seems to suggest that the writer had lost the will to live.

Literally, Who Cares?

From: Will In House Press
Organization: In House Press
Subject: Shitdisco cancel rest of UK Tour


Shitdisco have had to cancel the remainder of their UK Tour on week of release of their debut album 'Kingdom Of Fear'. Joel became seriously ill in BLAHBLAHBLAHBLAH...

A Previously Unheard Of "Legend" Appears

"Music Legend" who? Is this sentence “... who has been received increasing plaudits as a fine artist since he finished touring with the British rock band Dire Straits in 1993" the single worst sentence ever? How many potential buyers were put off by this rubbish?

From: **
Date: Thu, 12 Apr 2007 15:35:19 +0100
Subject: Music Legend John Illsley exhibiting new paintings in London - 7-22 June

Dear **

I wanted to draw your attention to a new series of paintings from music legend John Illsley, who has been received increasing plaudits as a fine artist since he finished touring with the British rock band Dire Straits in 1993. John’s latest dramatic landscapes and paintings of his much loved guitars have been inspired by his recent residence in Provence and the exhibition Art and Music; the Rhythm of Life explores the parallels between art and music which have been so prevalent within his work.

The works will be on show at central St James’s gallery Nevill Keating McIlroy from 7-22 June. John is a fabulous interviewee and will be available for interview. Do let me know if you’d like to see a selection of his guitar images. Press release attached with further information and images. I look forward to hearing your thoughts.


"I look forward to hearing your thoughts." No you don't.

Misdirected, Surely?

Why in the name of sweet heaven's above are you wasting my time with this rubbish?

From: ***
Subject: The Last Snake Man - Austin Stevens

Hi **
I thought that you and your readers might be interested in the above book which I am publishing with the South African wildlife adventurer & herpetologist Austin Stevens. The book is officially launched on May 30th at the Hay Literature Festival where Austin will be interviewed on stage, accompanied by some reptilian "guests" for dramatic impact, before being available for book signings.

I can arrange an interview with Austin for you if you are interested as well as being able to supply pics for use & of course a review copy upon publication.

Please let me know if you need anything else at this stage...

Let's start at you leaving me alone and we'll take it from there, OK?

Stop Lying To Me, I'm Not Actually Stupid

"The French invasion gathers pace"? "Vehemently unusual"? Oh please, don't give try to foist this horseshit on me. And while we're at it: anyone one for an "intense, deconstructed sound"? No, me neither...

From: **
Date: Fri, 2 Mar 2007 16:28:21 +0000

NELSON Launch French Invasion

'Vehemently unusual - think My Bloody Valentine crossed with Wire' -

'NELSON craft hypnotic monsters of songs' - DAZED & CONFUSED

NELSON, the instigators of the vibrant Paris scene, launch the French

Their intense deconstructed sound has already drawn comparisons with Sonic Youth, PIL, Can, New Order, The Rapture, Metal Urbain, Bauhaus and the Jesus & Mary Chain. NELSON's dynamic gigs usually feature all 4 members singing and swapping instruments mid-set.

NELSON are signed to Diamondtraxx, run by Daft Punk collaborator/ Stardust mainman Ben Diamond. Their debut album 'Revolving Doors' was released recently in France to great acclaim. NELSON are now attracting lots of label interest in the UK.

The French invasion is gathering pace.

Friends In Low Places

I love the source of the quote. After all, when you know London flaming Lite are on board then - hell! - you are really going places!

From: **
Date: Thu, 1 Mar 2007 17:09:48 +0000
Subject: LOW VS DIAMOND - New Single & Live Dates



Released on MARRAKESH RECORDS on May 9

 “Let’s not beat around the bush here – Low vs Diamond have what it takes to be fearsomely big” – London Lite

HEART ATTACK is the new single from arena-sized indie rockers Low vs Diamond, released on May 7th on Marrakesh Records. Graced with a euphoric and expansive BLAHBLAHBLAHBLAHBLAH...

This Is Where Media Studies Leads

I like the combination of vagueness, cock-eyed optimism and bad spelling in this. Just got it as a matter of fact.

Hello there people,

IMPERIAL LEISURE's next single 'Man On The Street' will be released on early this year.... get in touch to make sure your get a copy.

Which One Do You Want Me To Buy Again?

This is just ridiculous - did no one read this bloody thing before sending it out? Do you want to interest me in the band in the title or the band in the copy? What are your clients paying you for again?

"Phunk Rock" - The Full Horror

This is so bad it actually makes me want to kill myself. For a start, Phunk Rock is the single worst idea ever, then there's the press release itself. Why put inverted commas around the band's name? Why mention "funky vibes"? The witless construction of this will take your breath away. Why send this to me? What have I done? Guess how many times I heard about 'Cherry Blackstone' again? if you guessed none have a peanut.

------ Forwarded Message
From: **
Date: Thu, 14 Sep 2006 14:12:04 +0100
To: **
Subject: Introducing.... Cherry Blackstone

Hi **

I just wanted to drop you a quick e-mail about our exciting new client 'Cherry Blackstone'

CherryBlackStone is the exciting new sound to come out of London. It is impossible to make direct comparisons, however if you mixed the funky vibe of the Black Eyed Peas, added a UK edge and melodic influences as diverse as Prince, the Beatles, Bowie and Coldplay you might be getting close! This is the new London sound Phunk Rock!!

Featuring vocalists Jade Jones (ex Damage, and The Games winner), ReDD and Andrez Harriott (ex Damage) also on the drum, the band formed 3 years ago when the three friends started collaborating musically. The next phase involved putting a live band together that could translate the emotion of the music to an audience. Through auditions, they found three highly talented and totally committed musicians: Ashton Miranda, the Keyboard player, Rupert Caney, the lead Guitarist and Tom Driessler, the Bass player and Cherry Blackstone become complete.

They started gigging in May 05 and by Jan 06 had a residency at the world famous Half Moon pub. The guys will be playing at the free Southbank Music Festival this Sunday. Cherry Blackstone are the resident band on the new series of Bo Selecta and will be playing tracks from their forthcoming album each week on the Channel 4 hit show.

The single 'Kushti' is released on October 30th the video has just been added to The Box and The Chart Show.

I can't wait to hear what you think!

OK! Here's what I think. I think they're the crappiest thing ever. How does that sound?

I Am New At This Job - Will This Do?

Here's a great one - every single, fly-bitten, time-worn, brass-titted cliché in the PR’s handbook (1978 edition) is given a wipe over with a damp cloth and presented as new. I get about four of these a day. Please enjoy the terrible punctuation and shockingly bad grammar (and styling).

Anyone for some "Prog mosh edgy Anglo-American stadium rock with buzz-saw guitars"? No. Me neither.

From: **
Date: Thu, 29 Jun 15:45:34 +0100
To: **
Subject: Sugarmonkey London dates and single release

Hi **,

"Who are these other 'monkeys" was a common question among journalists intrigued by the moniker and impressed by the sounds as London's sugarmonkey toured the UK in late winter '05 in support of their debut single. The Scottish Sun went so far as to create a spurious rivalry with the headline "Two Bands, Two Names...But Who's Aping Who?"

There is no confusing the sound of sugarmonkey with any other UK band, however. Described as "Prog mosh edgy Anglo-American stadium rock with buzz-saw guitars" by indie bible Unpeeled, the net is crammed with every sort of praise possible, commenting on everything from their stage energy to their anthemic hooks, and even their looks. Within weeks of the release of their debut single, sugarmonkey's MySpace page swelled to over 15,000 fans, with a frenzied rush to scoop up tasty downloads and peaks at their two videos.

Now a new single, 'Welcome to my Life' (out 4th September) filled with attitude, insight and a right hook designed to smash any remaining simian references, will be followed up by a UK tour in September that will see the debut sugarmonkey album released within its midst.

Do My Job For Me: 1

This is an old classic. Not many people have the balls for this kind of approach anymore, I mean, "please take some time to read this and get back to me with any ideas"? Are you kidding me?

------ Forwarded Message
From: *******
Date: Tue, 16 May 2007 15:06:26 +0100
To: *****

Hi **
would like to pitch features to you on these two acts:
Please take some time to read this and get back to me with any ideas
you may have.
appreciate your time!