Friday, 31 October 2008

Let Me What Your Who?

Shouldn't someone at the record label taken Wyclef aside and said, 'Mate, I'm not being funny, but if you try and release this in the UK within seconds everyone will be calling it Let Me Touch Your Bottom... Just a heads up!"

Oh Jesus Make It Stop...

Thursday, 30 October 2008

Little Chef: Serving Up Tepid Idiocy Every Day!

This bit makes me want to weep: "A spokesperson for Little Chef said “Like James Bond, Little Chef’s Fat Charlie are the two the most loved and enduring British icons..." A spokesperson who can't even speak! Brilliant! Or, as a Senior LiS reporter has it:

Words fail me.
Forwarded Message
From: []
Subject: Little Chef the star at James Bond Premiere

Send Date:30-Oct-2008 10:00

Fat Charlie the iconic chef from British institution Little Chef stole the show at the Bond premiere in Leicester Square last night, signing autographs for fans and being interviewed for radio and television. Fat Charlie celebrates his 50th anniversary this year. A spokesperson for Little Chef said “Like James Bond, Little Chef’s Fat Charlie are the two the most loved and enduring British icons. It was befitting that he accepted Daniel Craig’s invitation to join him on the red carpet.“

If you would like higher res pictures please drop me a line.

Many thanks
07**4 **9 **8

Tuesday, 28 October 2008

Bond Is Wack

Have you picked up your free mp3 player from The Sun this week - you know, the "Bond" one? Yeah - of course you have! It's amazing, isn't it? Well, what could possibly make your life any more completely brilliant than rocking one of these bad boys as you troop down to Yates' Wine Lodge while pranging out to a poor quality, illegal download of A View To A Kill through the world's worst pair of headphones? "Do you expect me to talk?" "No, Mr Bond! I expect you to look like an under-employed wedding magician with a startling entry on the offender's register and a debilitating thyroid complaint..." Or, as an LiS reporter has it:

This is spectacularly bad. And, memo to Burton Head Office, Simon Mills isn't, in fact, "the leading men's style commentator", no, he is, alas, the biggest bell-end on Earth...

Friday, 24 October 2008

I Pee Address

Amazing news just in. People don't just download American telly and look at questionable material in the "study". Or as a newly-minted LiS reporter has it:

Jesus Christ, it must be a slow news week...

------ Forwarded Message
From: Sophia Mitchell from OCTANE []
Date: Thu, 23 Oct 2008 10:24:58 +0100
To: Sophia Mitchell from OCTANE
Conversation: COMPUTER USERS EMBRACE WEE-FI - More internet fans spending pennies on wireless connection

NEWS ALERT: October, 24, 2008

The toilet has become one of the most unusual places to surf the internet and send emails, according to a new poll. 10 per cent of web browsers have logged on to their laptops during visits to the toilet, either at home or at work, says the survey by leading ISP, Plusnet.

35 per cent have even admitted going online while in bed as an alternative to the traditional bedtime read YES - I WONDER WHY. The favourite place to log on is the living room or lounge with 40 per cent, with the humble study LOUNGE IS THE NEW STUDY coming in at just 20 per cent. The survey also found that 85 per cent now had BLAHBLAHBLAH.

Neil Armstrong GREAT NAME!, Plusnet products director, said: “BLAHBLAHBLAHBLAHBLAH." Some people are now such fans of BLAHBLAHBLAH wherever they are. The explosion of Wi-Fi broadband BLAHBLAHBLAH the bath or shower!”

The survey findings came as ALRIGHT, THAT'LL DO, "THANKS".

Thursday, 23 October 2008

Life: Harder Than You Expected?

Guess what? Not everyone who wanted to be an astronaut actually becomes an astronuat. Some people drive buses or sweep streets or play bass for Coldplay or clean the toilets at a down-and-out hostel. Are you one of those inadequates? Well, luckily, here's a website that can "help"! Or, as an LiS reporter has it:

Another urgent communiqué from the Department For Stating The Blindingly Obvious...

Begin forwarded message:
From: []
Date: 22 October 2008 12:51:26 BDT
Subject: fish4jobs - are we working in our dream jobs - or putting up with 2nd best?

Good Afternoon
Please see a release from fish4jobs attached and below. The release follows research from a survey and from our site ( Please also note that our press site hosts releases from fish4homes, fish4jobs, fish4cars and fish4holidays which may also be of interest to you and your publication. THAT'S UNLIKELY, BUT THANKS The releases all include statistics from surveys or from the site and focus on modern day issues such as "surviving redundancy", "neighbours from hell", "the top car for romantic encounters" YOU WHAT?

Any queries please do let me know,

Best wishes

Katie siegel SHE MEANS "Siegel"
PR Manager

0208 6** 6***

Press release
October 22nd 2008
Dream, dream, dreaming

Are you working in your dream job?

Or are you facing the reality that living the dream is harder than expected. Research from fish4jobs ( can confirm that despite most Brits not working in their dream job (86%), we are actually quite content with our lot. Most of those interviewed said that they wouldn’t retrain to get their dream job (57%). The survey asked people what their dream jobs were when they were OH JESUS, I HAVEN'T GOT TIME FOR THIS RUBBISH

Wednesday, 22 October 2008

Rubbish NME Quotes In Press Releases: 5

Metronomy's A Thing For Me

NME says: “A multi-layered party playlist that gurgles out anthems without pause... A sleeping giant of a dancefloor creeper that will be everyone’s favourite in approximately six months’ time.”

"Everyone's" - riiiigghhht...

Tuesday, 21 October 2008

Travelodge: Where Unpleasantness Comes As Standard: UPDATE

I have a feeling that Travelodge PR may want to rethink this whole thing. More people have sent me this one press release than any other. Here are two particularly piquant emails I've just had:

This is a true stinker that has now turned up three times in my inbox. Where do I start? "Oggies" are Cornish pasties, not pies, idiot (I'm Cornish, see). Southgate, Crouch End and the environs where Ms "Whinemouth" grew up, are very definitely not in East London. A "piazza" is a town square in Italian, not Spanish- you mean a "plaza". The German word for sausage is "wurst", not "wiener". And worst of all, Lily Allen is now a cockney? Have Bow Bells moved to Hammersmith? This PR must be thicker than the British public, dagnamit.

The first refuge for a f*ckwit PR - surveys! But have you ever seen a more pathetic attempt to weld a client to a survey and then weld the survey to a very tenuous showbiz link than this one?

Travelodge: Where Unpleasantness Comes As Standard

So, if I've read this correctly, Travelodge are saying that their customers hate people from London? And Liverpool? And Scotland? And Wales? Isn't that quite a lot of unpleasantness? Can this be right? And, Shakila, were you personally responsible for the deathless phrase, "Britain’s Most Despised Drawl"? Despised? Really? Only, the last time I looked, Amy Winehouse's "despised drawl" had sold her nearly five million records, so someone, somewhere (if not everyone, everywhere) is lying to you. Unless she's sold five million records to other "cockneys"? Oh, and by the way, Winehouse is from Southgate, which is in north, not east, London, so she's not a cockney. And, while we're at it, David Beckham is from Leytonstone, which means, sadly, he's not a cockney either. But thanks for trying, I particularly liked your idea of "worst well-known whines". You truly are adding to the sum of human happiness over there in the Travelodge PR department, aren't you? A thrilled LiS reader cooked down their own response to this unpleasant "survey" thus:


Begin forwarded message:
From: "Shakila Ahmed" []
Date: 21 October 2008 12:35:07 BST
Subject: Press release: Amy's 'whine' voted worst in UK

Please see below for our latest press release, if you need any further information, please call me



Amy’s ‘whine’ voted worst in UK - Award for Britain’s Most Despised Drawl Goes to Cockney Crooner -

Winehouse by name, ‘Whine-mouth’ by nature? A new report examining the nation’s best-loved and most-hated regional twangs reveals the notorious crooner’s cockney accent to be the most despised drawl in Britain.

Meanwhile, the Geordie accent was voted top of the regional twangs, with Cheryl Tweedy’s Geordie lilt selected as Brits’ favourite celebrity accent, closely followed by fellow Geordies Ant and Dec. Cat Deeley’s Brummie brogue and Peter Kay’s Lancastrian lilt followed in the league of most-loved celebrity accents.

Joining Winehouse at the bottom of the lingo league was fellow East Londoner, David Beckham. Prime Minister Gordon Brown was voted in third place, followed by Scouser Colleen Rooney in the poll of 3,000 Britons by national budget hotel chain Travelodge as part of its campaign to find out Britons knowledge of their own regional phrases and dialects.

Joining Winehouse at the bottom of the lingo league was fellow East Londoner, David Beckham. Prime Minister Gordon Brown was voted in third place, followed by Scouser Colleen Rooney in the poll of 3,000 Britons by national budget hotel chain Travelodge as part of its campaign to find out Britons knowledge of their own regional phrases and dialects.

Brits were asked to complete a ‘Mother Tongue Test’ to reveal just how well they could identify and understand their own language, with shocking results revealing that over half of Brits couldn’t decipher local terms from the Scouse term ‘scran’ for food to Cornish ‘oggies’ – pies. However, 85% could understand foreign phrases such as the German word for sausage - ‘wiener’ - and Spanish ‘piazza’, meaning a town square.

Campaigning to keep local lingo alive, national hotel chain Travelodge is aiming to make life easier for the growing number of Britons exploring the UK during the credit crunch by providing Lingo Busting Guides on its website for people to download before they check in.

Greg Dawson, Travelodge Director of Communications said, “BLAHBLAHBLAH.”

Further findings:
The study revealed the Yorkshire accent to be the most trustworthy in the UK, while the Northern Irish accent was voted the sexiest. Brummies were deemed to have the most boring brogue, while Geordies topped the list for the accent most likely to bring a smile to Brits’ faces.

The nation’s worst well-known whines:

Women Men
Amy Winehouse (Cockney) 1. David Beckham (Cockney)
Colleen Rooney (Scouse) 2. Gordon Brown (Scottish)
Charlotte Church (Welsh) 3. Noel Gallagher (Mancunian)
Lily Allen (Cockney) 4. Ozzy Osbourne (Brummie)
Jane McDonald (Yorkshire) 5. Chris Moyles (Yorkshire)

Voted top of the celebrity twangs:

Women Men
Cheryl Tweedy (Geordie) 1. Ant and Dec (Geordie)
Cat Deeley (Brummie) 2. Peter Kay (Lancastrian)
Edith Bowman (Scottish) 3. James Nesbitt (Northern Irish)
Tess Daly (Lancastrian) 4. Vernon Kay (Lancastrian)
Christine Bleakley (Northern Irish) 5. Justin Lee Collins (Bristolian)

Notes to editors: Study of 3,000 respondents conducted by One Poll in September 08

Rubbish NME Quotes In Press Releases: 4

The Walkmen's The Blue Route

NME says: "“Few can do melancholy quite as well as The Walkmen..."

Apart from, say, almost anybody in the whole world, yes.

Blunt Facts: UPDATE

Oh dear :(

Monday, 20 October 2008

Blunt Facts

At last! Two of the most vapid, soulless experiences currently available in the modern world are getting together. Just imagine how stimulating it will be to finally get James Blunt's view on the sort of "news" that's only fit to be given away to bored, feckless commuters. Or, as a newly-minted LiS reporter has it:

Oh my Good God. My blood is chilling as I type.

Begin forwarded message:


20 October 2008: James Blunt, Warner Music and Metro International today announced a global brand partnership that will see the acclaimed singer-songwriter guest edit the global edition of the Metro newspaper on 17th November. Metro is BLAHBLAHBLAH its global edition.

James will assume his duties at the Metro Rome office where he will BLAHBLAHBLAH. James will be involved in a feature on Médecins Sans Frontières, an international medical humanitarian organisation James supports and which Metro Newspapers have worked closely with for a number of years.

James Blunt said, “I have long been fascinated by the media and am excited to have the chance to go behind the scenes at Metro and experience things from the other side. With so much going on in the world right now, I am looking forward to editing a newspaper IT'S NOT A REAL NEWSPAPER, YOU FOOL, raising the profile of subjects close to my heart and hopefully have a little fun along the way. I might even give myself a good BLAHBLAHBLAHBLAH..."

IKEA: Keeping The Customer Happy!

No one, especially not me, expects PRs to think of the people they're punting whatever it is they're being paid to punt that week as real human beings, but, they could try a little harder than this, surely? Or, as an LiS reporter has it:

"FirstName"? Idiots...

Forwarded Message
17 Oct 2008
[] wrote:
Hi FirstName
Please find attached information on the fifth IKEA soft toy camapign which aims to raise money for UNICEF and Save the Children. For more information on the campaign, please contact us here in the IKEA Press Office - we would love to hear from you!

Best wishes,

The IKEA Press Office []

Friday, 17 October 2008

The Price Is Nice

If I was a woman - and who knows, perhaps I am - I would be perfectly happy to buy Grazia and "quaff" rosé and carry a statement handbag, but I would draw the line at "scented towels and liners". Scented towels and liners? Are you stark, staring mad? Let this message ring out to Big Business: you have now, officially, gone too far and I hereby withdraw my support. Or, as a senior LiS reporter has it:

It's all downhill after the age of 30, ladies! As for these products, "you can find them in all major chemists and supermarkets, priced from £X" That much? And lastly, what it is with all the "saying that" stuff? Is this a proviso, or a clarification? Agh...

Thursday, 16 October 2008

Lexicon Of Guff

Note to Vickie North at Finn Comms. You can't introduce "a new lexicon to fashionistas", however much you might like it. The lexicon, according to Wikipedia, "organises the vocabulary of a language according to certain principles and it contains a generative device producing (new) simple and complex words according to certain lexical rules." And you don't spell Agyness Deyn like that either.

But thanks for trying. This just in from an LiS operative:

As a regular reader of your blog I just spotted this on the PR grapevine and thought I'd share. I’m not quite sure adding one (rather poor) word counts as introducing a "new lexicon" – methinks the PR in question needs to check her own lexicon and learn the meaning of the word. Also, I'm not sure how "Audery Hepburn" would feel about being ranked alongside Kate Moss and Twiggy, but I reckon, if nothing else, she'd be peeved to see her name spelled incorrectly. Hey ho.


Jewellery shopping, as we know it, is set for an almighty shake-up, as The Precious Monkey Jewellery Company opens its online doors in time for Christmas. A unique and ingenious web-based concept, Precious Monkey Jewellery offers people the chance to design their own exquisite and bespoke pieces of jewellery at the click of a button ( A true world first, Precious Monkey Jewellery has introduced a new lexicon to fashionistas: ‘Clickouture’, the ability to design and create couture jewellery on-line, at any time.

Feeling adventurous and bursting at the seams with creative flair? Whether it’s in the style of Audery Hepburn SHE MEANS AUDREY or Kate Moss, Twiggy or Agyness Dene SHE MEANS DEYN, Precious Monkey Jewellery puts the design in the hands of the wearer. The website provides a blank canvas on which a unique silver necklace, pendant, bracelet or earring can be created from scratch. Choose from a selection of cutting-edge shapes and elements, including ovals, stars and circles; attach these to a thick or thin chain, long or short; and add a touch of glamour with a sprinkling of diamonds and other precious gems.

The website gives a dimension of flexibility to Precious Monkey Jewellery that has never been seen before. Collections can be tweaked and changed within a matter of days to keep track of key fashion trends. Watch this space as the Launch Collection will shortly be followed by an array of chic designs that will whet the appetite of budding fashion followers. OH YES, DEFINITELY

Commenting on the launch, Liz Clothier, the company’s Fashion Director said: “BLAHBLAHBLAHBLAHBLAHBLAH.”

Wednesday, 15 October 2008

Structural Foam Is Where The Heart Is

Lots of people think that PR is all about hoovering up bad white wine and mini-burgers at the launch of terrible retail ideas by horse-faced Sloanes. It isn't. Someone out there has to look after "architectural panels" and "portable lightweight staging systems" too. And, happily, the people that do are less likely to wake up in the morning having done something revolting with a member of Razorlight. Having said that, they're not too dependable on their spelling of "aluminium" as they might be. This from an LiS reporter in the field:

The people over at Dragonfly PR are still ploughing the world's most boring furrow - can you imagine what it must be like to actually have to write this stuff?

From: Paul Batty []
Sent: 10 October 2008 12:54
Subject: FW: Panel Systems - North Glasgow College

Hello again,
We've put together a press release about a recent development where Panel Systems has supplied Aluglaze to the North Glasgow College development; 560m² of aluminium infill panels on the new college building. The aluminum OH DEAR faces of the panels were finished in natural silver anodising to give the building an iconic and contemporary look. Panel Systems is one of the UK's leading manufacturers of insulation products, architectural panels, structural foams and portable lightweight staging systems.



Pupils and staff at the newly built North Glasgow College in Springburn, Glasgow are set to benefit from market-leading ALUGLAZE® insulation panels fabricated and supplied by Panel Systems Ltd.

Local architects RMJM specified over 560m² of aluminium infill panels on the new college building. The aluminum faces of the panels were finished in natural silver anodising to give the building an iconic and contemporary look. Another major factor in specifying the panels was the fact that they provide extremely high levels of insulation, enabling the building to achieve strict sustainability requirements. I AM, LITERALLY, LOVING THIS!

ALUGLAZE® from Panel Systems consists of polyester powder-coated aluminium facing bonded to an insulating core of Styrofoam. Panel Systems worked closely with Solaglas Contracting to incorporate the panel design into their glazing system to create a truly stunning visual effect - Panel Systems supplied a projecting tray formed Aluglaze panel, which enabled the outside face of the panel to sit flush with the window system. THIS IS AMAZING STUFF!

This method of cladding is becoming a key element of many high profile city centre projects where aesthetics and thermal performance are paramount. ALUGLAZE® was therefore the perfect choice for this prestigious development HA! as it enabled the college to create a modern and comfortable learning environment that also met the highest levels of thermal performance. I'M BORED NOW :(

Jim Moultire, Senior Project Manager for Solaglas Contracting, explains: "BLAHBLAHBLAHBLAHBLAHBLAH."

It was important that the building met the relevant U-values to ensure thermal performance and energy efficiency, in line with latest regulations. INNIT! As a material with low density and low thermal conductivity, Styrofoam is excellent at providing buildings with OH WHATEVA, YEAH?

Tuesday, 14 October 2008

Who Fancies Joining Me In "Throttling Death By The Neck" For A Bit?

Sound the Dreadful PR Alarm - here comes another one. This just in from a senior LiS reporter right there at the scene of the awfulness:

Sometimes I sit at my desk and wonder what it could have been that killed and eviscerated and covered in boiling oil my once fine and true passion for music journalism. Then I'll get a message like this, and I'll go "Oh", and make an expression with my face like this.

I mean, I don't blame this PR in particular, he's just doing what they generally do, but, by God it's like the entire industry has had its imagination yanked out through its nose by one of those Egyptian hooks.

---------- Forwarded message ----------
From: Joe Gamp []
Date: 2008/10/9

Hi there!

I just wanted to check if you have received the new Death Of The Neighbourhood album in your postbox as yet? It's the new project from Stephen Jones AKA Babybird.

Death of the Neighbourhood is an electronic punk album, a two chord manic messianic monster throttling death by the neck before giving it the kiss of life and making MUSIC, "the most beautiful fucking thing in the goddamn world". Expect skewed, grizzly hip hop beats with a harsh, punk-rock ethic, and plenty of critical observations about the death of the community, and the embrace of a scary, new world. Let me know what you think and whether you would be happy to put this on your lovely website in any way

PS: I have heard this record and it is so bad I actually yanked it out of the CD player and broke it in half. True story...

Monday, 13 October 2008

Who's For Some "Amazing Perfection"?

In these times of sniping and nit-picking, it's heartening to receive a press release that's just really badly written yet still full of wonderful self-importance.

Friday, 10 October 2008

Literally, Who Cares (Again)?

I'm all for "extreme censorship" if only it means we won't have to suffer nonsense like this that gets fwd'd to every person on the planet with an email address. Or, as a senior LiS reporter has it:

So, bloke we have never heard of can't wear t-shirt about an election we can't vote on, on TV programme we can't watch! Thank goodness he stuck it to the man and got round this 'extreme censorship' by wearing another crappy t-shirt and getting a half-wit PR to forward it around Britain. Good work!

FROM: Nita Keeler/Gold Star []
DATE: 09/10/08

------ Forwarded Message
From: Randy Randall / NO AGE
Date: Wed, 8 Oct 2008 01:16:40 -0700 (PDT)
Subject: No Age vs. CBS

Hello All,
I apologize for mass email but I feel that it is important to get this out to as many people as possible. I have recently come under what can only be called extreme censorship. On Oct 2nd No Age was scheduled to perform on the Late Late show with Craig Ferguson, to be broadcasted on CBS later this month. I felt it was important to voice my choice for presidential candidate, Barack Obama HEY! THE GUY FROM NO AGE IS GUNNING FOR OB! SOMEONE TELL PALIN! IT'S ALL OVER!, seeing as the episode would air 8 days before election d... BLAHBLAHBLAH ... however there there is a doctrine of fairness that former President Ronald Reagan and current president George W Bush supported the repeal of in order to allow themselves BLAHBLAHBLAHBLAH... are not seen nearly as much as Obama and McCain. I had to look at what I was up against and with 5 minutes before we were supposed to shoot I had only a hand full of options. I could either A) walk away from the show and decline from appearing on the show, or B) change my T-shirt OH WHAT TO DO! My first choice was A. However, after talking way past the 5 minute mark, Dean and I decided that it would be better to take advantage of the stage we had at our disposal. I decided to make an appeal for "MESSAGE DELETED" on my T-shirt seeing as I was unable to voice my support for BLAHBLAHBLAH CBS didn't want No Age to go topless. They're keeping that for the spring break special AMAZING. No, this was because, the CBS person said, the Obama shirt was on-air editorializing -- a possible violation of some FCC PLEASE STOP WRITING NOW, PEOPLE ARE SCREAMING IN AGONY, but neither No Age nor their people at Sub Pop were aware of the Fairness Doctrine's long-ago demise.CBS took advantage of this to push No Age into a corner: either cover up the word "Obama" or don't appear on the MESSAGE DELETED," the band played, and the show will, apparently, air. OH JESUS, OK! STOP BANGING ON ABOUT IT... BLAHBAHBLAHBLAH Time is running out. GOOD!

Thursday, 9 October 2008

Leave Me Alone!

This just in from an LiS operative in the field:
LiS, it's not just the fact that I live in a different continent that makes this semi-spam so depressingly pointless. More pertinently it's simply viewing the list of obviously corporatised rock-holes that this dashingly versatile muso (I've never heard of) is playing that physically slows the heartrate. How could anyone find pleasure attending a "show" at "The Beatles Revolution Lounge, Las Vegas"? Awful...

-----Original Message-----
From: Sandee Gardner []
Sent: Wed, 8 Oct 2008 5:19 pm

For Immediate Release
October 8, 2008


While Southern California rock band Incubus take a brief hiatus, bassist Ben Kenney is heading out on the road in support of his solo effort, "NAME DELETED. The tour will make stops in Austin, New York, Cleveland and Las Vegas before winding up in Los Angeles at the House of Blues Sunset.

Released earlier this year, "NAME DELETED" is a DIY project in every sense of the word. Every track on the album was written, produced, engineered, mixed and performed by Ben Kenney alone. The multi-instrumentalist also packaged and distributed the album himself through his own company, Ghetto Crush Industries.

A video created for the song “NAME DELETED” showcases the many talents of Ben Kenney – guitar, bass, drums, vocals - not to mention the fact that he directed and shot it himself. Distance and Comfort is currently available at iTunes and
Ben Kenney played guitar for the hip-hop group The Roots before joining Incubus in 2003. He has also done studio work with Justin Timberlake, Erykah Badu, Faith Evans and producers Timbaland, DJ Jazzy Jeff, Scott Storch and ?uestlove.


Nov 2 Dallas, TX Pontiac Garage
Nov 3 Austin, TX Emo’s
Nov 6 Pontiac, MI Eagle Theatre
Nov 7 Pittsburgh, PA Strummers
Nov 9 Washington, DC The Black Cat
Nov 10 Annapolis, MD Ram’s Head
Nov 11 New York, NY The Blender Theatre
Nov 12 Boston, MA Hard Rock Cavern Club
Nov 14 Northampton, MA Pearl Street
Nov 15 Portland, ME The Asylum
Nov 17 Hoboken, NJ Maxwell’s
Nov 18 Cleveland, OH Grog Shop
Nov 20 Denver, CO Walnut Room
Nov 22 Scottsdale, AZ Martini Ranch
Nov 23 Las Vegas, NV The Beatles Revolution Lounge
Nov 24 San Diego, CA House of Blues
Nov 25 Hollywood, CA House of Blues

For more information, please contact:
Sandee Gardner-Fenton

Wednesday, 8 October 2008

Guess What? "A woman’s brain and personality really do matter..."

I'm going to hand you straight over to a senior LiS correspondent on the scene of yet another, truly horrendous PR pile-up...

There are so many things wrong with this press release, but I’m finding it difficult to articulate myself coherently because I’m so angry. I’ll try, though:

Firstly, it was released less than four hours after our economy took what is arguably its worst hit in recent history; secondly, I’m a business journalist, so why in god’s name would I give two shits about the subject matter; and thirdly, it is ridiculously, painfully, indescribably misogynistic. I don’t want to go on and on about the sisterhood but seriously, Penny Lukats? I would rather quit my job, cut out my own ovaries, fry them up, arrange them with some seasonal vegetables and present them to my boss with a little flag sticking out saying ‘Germaine Greer says NO’ than allow anyone to know that I had played any part in the compiling, writing up or sending out of this ‘survey’.

Anyway, sorry to seem ranty but there you go. I normally laugh at this kind of thing but it’s made me really angry.

Ps. Just realised I didn’t make any reference to the sentence ‘Great news for honest, funny and bright women of every shape and size’. Silly sentence.

From: Penny Lukats []
Sent: 08 October 2008 10:54
To: Penny Lukats

Please find below our latest research press release on breast size. Apparently one third of men prefer women with smaller breasts. But it’s not naturally voluptuous woman who are turning off men in their thousands, men are running scared at the prospect of dating a woman with gravity-defying surgically enhanced breasts.

If you would like further information, comment from our expert Dr Thalasis, or case studies, just let me know.


Penny Lukats


Majority of men prefer the boyish figure of Keira Knightley to the over-enhanced curves of Pamela Anderson.

With the average bra-size now ballooning from a 34B (Anna Kournikova) ten years ago to a 34E (Kelly Brook) in 2008*, you’d think that most single men would be in seventh heaven – but not so according to a new survey by Europe’s largest serious online matchmaking service. When it comes to relationships, 31% of single men would prefer not to try getting closer to a busty woman, so anything above a “D” cup will reduce a woman’s chances of finding a partner by as much as a third.

A survey of 13,000 singles across Europe by the dating firm revealed that one in ten (9%) single British men find big breasts a real turn-off and one in five (22%) say they would just barely consider dating anyone above a “D” cup, so 34E is off their scale.

But it’s not naturally voluptuous woman who are turning off men in their thousands. Like George Clooney, who is rumored to have ended his relationship with Sarah Larson following her breast enlargement, men are running scared at the prospect of dating a woman with gravity-defying surgically enhanced breasts. So much so that 27% of men say they prefer the boyish figure and flat chest of a Keira Knightley to the over-enhanced curves of Pamela Anderson.

But British singles aren’t completely against all surgical ‘enhancement’, it’s just a matter of less is more. According to, 51% of men and 56% of women would not consider dating someone showing obvious evidence of plastic surgery. So while a nose job doesn’t necessarily have to be a date-stopper, an in-yer-face boob job could halve your chances of getting a date.

Dr Nafsika Thalassis, PARSHIP’s singles coach, commented:
“These results show that there is a considerable disparity between what women think men find attractive and the truth of the matter. We are often told that both men and women are spending increasing amounts of money on their appearance but, even though we expect our partners to be well-groomed, it seems that many of us draw the line at dating people with surgical implants. It also raises the question of why so many people opt for plastic surgery. Frequently, women say that they want to increase their breast size in order to improve their own self-confidence rather than because they want to attract men. In reality, however, would they go ahead with the procedure if they knew it was likely to turn off lots of men? After all there is nothing confidence-boosting about having a surgical procedure that makes you less attractive to the opposite sex.”

Bigger-breasted women would do well to go further towards the Arctic Circle where things really look up for DD-plus girls. Of the 6,500 men surveyed in 13 different countries for PARSHIP, the Norwegians proved readiest to embrace the larger breast, with just 1% finding it a turn-off. In neighbouring Sweden, 81% of single men would be happy to see their cup overflow, although – in typically egalitarian fashion – they are also most likely to go for small breasts, with 82% giving flatter contours the thumbs-up. Go West, however, and you’ll find that the Irish are modest in their expectations, with 15% of men saying they would never date a woman with breasts on the larger side.

It’s not all about fleshy appendages with British men, though. A woman’s brain and personality really do matter. Good looks are of course highly valued by the majority of men (52%) but they trail behind other qualities such as: honesty (91%), fidelity (79%), a sense of humour (79%) and intelligence (74%). Great news for honest, funny and bright women of every shape and size.

Tuesday, 7 October 2008

Christ On A Bike

This is making me feel poorly :(

Kill. Me. Now. Or them. I'm not arsed which just, please, make it stop...

----- Forwarded on 07/10/08 10:59 am -----
"Paul Drury" [] Subject: Cycle Tribes Officially Defined - 2008 Sees Dawn of Credit Crunch Crawler

Hello there,

Please see attached for a press release defining Cycling Tribes. Images and interviews with a Credit Crunch Crawler and other tribe examples are available upon request.


Paul Drury.

***Embargoed until Wednesday October 8th***
Credit Crunch Crawlers are UK’s Fastest Growing Cycling Tribe

Tribes of Cycling Defined for the First Time
**Cycle 08 takes place at Earls Court, London, on 10-12 October**

The tribes of cycling have been defined for the first time by the experts and exhibitors involved with this week’s Cycle 08 show - taking place at Earls Court from October 9-12 – and it is the new tribe of Credit Crunch Crawlers that is the fastest growing tribe in the country.

From the BMX Bandits of London’s South Bank, to the Off-Road Enthusiasts of the Peak District to the Saturday Shoppers of the Portobello Road Market and all those in between, the report offers a fascinating study into the cycling landscape in the UK today.

However it is the imminent recession and people tightening their belts around the UK that has meant the new tribe of Credit Crunch Crawler is the quickest growing tribe on two wheels, according to the experts organising, attending and exhibiting at Cycle 08 – the UK’s biggest consumer cycle exhibition.

The study found each tribe had clearly defined characteristics – preferred place of shopping, reading material and internet surfing habits - making each tribe unique.

And the study, which was conducted through looking at the demographics of people registering to attend the event and produced by Cycle 08, also reveals which tribes dominate which areas of London, each tribe having a ‘habitat’ it likes to call home.

Monday, 6 October 2008

"Pneumatic monsters" and "Heavy Hors D' oeuvres"

Our friends at Manhattan Media again here. Sometimes you read things that really make you think, "Blimey, Americans are quite different to us, aren't they?" This is definitely one of those things. I have three or four hazy memories of what historians are now referring to as "The Rave Years" and so I remember hyper-inflated claims for parties. But I never remember anyone making a fuss about giant trees or complimentary parking. Maybe I was too busy wondering about flower-strobes and water-cooled PA systems to notice? Someone ought to tell Manhattan Media that a "frightful experience" is a bad thing (especially for $1000) - and why would anyone want a "heavy" hors d'ouvres? As an LiS reader has it:

These things are begining to look like parody. We finally discover why there's never an apostrophe - because of ascii confusion - and, sadly, the attempt at one in 'Frankenstein's' is a real shame. That sentence is odd - they're formally known as Oompa Loompas at Kandyland. Did they get laid off, sorry, sacked? Are they moonlighting? The writer also seems to think that all old buildings are spooky and that Gothic, Tudor and Medieval are all basically the same architectural style. Now that really is scary.

-----Original Message-----
From: Manhattan Media []
Sent: 03 October 2008 19:16
Subject: Media Alert:: PLAYBOY MANSION EVENT Hes doing it again!!!
Contact: RJ ROMERO of Manhattan Media

He’s doing it again!!!

NYC Nightlife kingpin JE Englebert is officially announcing his next big event Halloween Night, Friday October 31, 2008 at the Playboy Mansion, Los Angeles California

It will be the single most remarkable Halloween event in the nation….

The Playboy Mansion is the ideal location for this legendary frightful experience. It's a Gothic-Tudor style mansion (medieval castle vibe) sitting on over 5 acres of land with one of the largest private collections of giant trees in the country. This means it's the ultimate spooky mansion where you can trek around the vast grounds all night while running into goblins, ghouls, ghosts and of course the world's most beautiful women letting out shrieks as they cling to your side!

Aside from hiring over 100 actors to run around as creepy creatures, there will also be some of Hollywood's top set designers and scare experts to construct multiple graveyards and an extraordinary haunted house filled with butchers, dead people, skeletons, zombies, mummies, witches, trolls, robotic monsters and mini Frankenstein’s (formerly known as Oompa Loompas @ Kandyland).

Advanced Tickets are now on sale for $1000 which includes admission into one of the scariest haunted houses in the nation, with Pneumatic monsters and ghouls, hand-picked Kandy Girls in sexy costumes, complimentary parking, shuttle to the Playboy Mansion, entertainment, DJ’s, heavy hors d' oeuvres, dinner, dessert and open bar.

Come treat yourself this Halloween to the sickest Halloween party in the country PERIOD! Halloween Night, October 31, 2008! at the Playboy Mansion Los Angeles

Friday, 3 October 2008

Have I Got Booze For You?

No I haven't, not anymore, not now "John JE Englebert" has decided that he doesn't want people drinking too much despite the fact that, according to this press release, "In Mr Engleberts clubs alone alcohol drinking is up over 30 percent since the Wall Street crash...". No booze or apostrophes - nice! Make of that what you will. Or, as an LiS reader has it:

I've no idea why Manhattan Media decided I'd be interested in this since all I ever write about on my blog is Liverpool, films and art galleries. Anyway, hey-ho. I should quite like this because it somehow skillfully manages to work in the Perez Hilton holy trinity and excessively describes them as "walking time bombs", whilst miraculously hanging it off Locklear's DWI, though in reality I hate it because it sounds like, at best, a page thirty "exclusive" in the Daily Mail. The sentiment's laudable but it's so sanctimonious. Plus, whoever wrote it can't seem to find the apostrophe on the keyboard.

-----Original Message-----
From: Manhattan Media []
Sent: 01 October 2008 16:28

CONTACT: Jeff Davis


New York City nightlife entrepreneur and owner John JE Englebert is reaching out to nightclubs and lounges across the Big Apple to put an end to bottle service which contributes to high abuse of alcohol in the city that never sleeps GREAT OPENER.

The recent DWI arrest of actress Heather Locklear has inspired Mr Englebert a former friend of Locklear whom she met in the VIP room of the infamous Club USA decades ago when JE worked for the Peter Gatien empire EH?. Club USA was one of the largest nightclubs in NYC history. This latest arrest with other DWIs in the last year from other stars including Paris Hilton, Lindsay Lohan and Britney Spears are all arrests due to alcohol abuse.

According to JE, celebs and party girls like Lindsay, Britney and Paris are role models for girls all over the world but are becoming walking time bombs BRILLIANT!, drinking excessively at VIP tables in nightclubs, bars and lounges supplied by bottle service. "I care about my customer's health, safety and well being like my own family but no one wants to give up the huge profits and money made by the sale of the bottled spirits. If its HE MEANS "IT'S" in front of you, you will drink it.'

The recent Wall Street meltdown will cause sad times in the financial capital of the world, Manhattan INNIT :(. More alcohol is usually consumed when times are tough. In Mr Engleberts HE MEANS ENGLEBERT'S clubs alone alcohol drinking is up over 30 percent since the Wall Street crash. JE will replace any bottle of alcohol for a liter of Coke, Pepsi or Water HE MEANS "water" free of charge, if he feels the customer has partied too much SO GENEROUS.

CONTACT: Jeff Davis

Englebert is accepting interview requests

Wednesday, 1 October 2008

Are You "Shot Through With Melancholia"?

I wasn't before, but I am after reading this twaddle. Or, as an LiS reader has it:
Oooh! Slagging 'Chris Fucking Martin' - how bold! That's a controversial position to take because everyone knows stuff is only ever good because other stuff is shit by direct comparison (however tenuous).


---------- Forwarded message ----------
From: Bill Cummings []
Date: 2008/10/1
Subject: Matt Finucane releases debut solo EP, and free downloads on 20/10/08

Matt Finucane releases his debut solo EP through Light Crude recordings on the 20th of October 2008. It will be preceded by the free download single, and much talked about IT'S TRUE - WE'VE ALL BEEN BANGING ON ABOUT THAT DOWN, LITERALLY, THE PUB track, 'Kafka Song' released through Sound And Vision downloads. And backed by the equally gratis b-side 'What Comes Next.' HOW CAN YOU "BACK" A DOWNLOAD?

Londoner Matt Finucane writes but his main activity is his music: he's a man with wild visions to share with you. OH, RILLY?

One man with a guitar, rudimentary electronic effects, reverb, distortion and a deep distrust of the traditional singer songwriter tag. His sound is shot through with melancholia, his love of Lou Reed's Berlin (ONE OF THE WORST RECORDS EVER), his attempts to clamber in the head of HE MEANS "INTO THE HEAD OF" literary icons, and the darkness of his late night adventures at the bottom of a bottle MOODY - I LIKE IT!

After lurking on the underbelly of the capital's music scene, he felt like stretching himself seeing if he could do something different with the hackneyed idea of one man and a guitar CLUE: HE CAN'T. Matt doesn't care what you think of him, his work is experimental and uncompromisingly personal TRANS: CRAP but that's what makes his music so addictive. On stage he creates an intense yet hypnotic atmosphere.

A watchable baddy, spilling out dark tales. He's no Chris Fucking Martin IE, SOMEONE WHO WRITES SONGS THAT PEOPLE ACTUALLY LIKE.

The free downloads will expire after six weeks, when Matt's EP will be avaliable HE MEANS "AVAILABLE" on Itunes HE MEANS iTunes.

Peet And Duds

Can you "attack back"? How does that work? Have you ever come across a clumsier close to a sentence than, "... after her comments in a recent magazine interview, where she called parents who choose not to vaccinate their children, parasites in an upcoming issue of Spectrum Magazine."? Exactly how big a number is a "thousdand"? If I was the CEO of Autism United I'd be asking "Big Apple Communications" all these questions and, literally, more. As an LiS reader has it:

Seconds out, round two. When I first glanced at this I actually imagined Jenny punching Mandy, for real. Isn't asking people not to rent Saving Silverman or Identity going to hurt Blockbuster more than strike a blow for whatever this is sort of about?

-----Original Message-----
From: Autism United C/O Big Apple Communications []
Sent: 30 September 2008 13:03
Subject: Actress Jenny McCarthy Takes A Swing At Actress Amanda Peet

contact Sid Schwartz 212-564-4692



New York, NY, Jenny McCarthy is attacking back against actress Amanda Peet after her comments in a recent magazine interview, where she called parents who choose not to vaccinate their children, parasites in an upcoming issue of Spectrum Magazine.
Even after Amanda apologized for her comments, Jenny is taking pride in being called a parasite and defending the autism community. In Spectrum's October/ November issue Jenny says, "she has a lot of balls to come forward and be on that side, because there is an angry mob on my side, I like the fact that I can say she's completely wrong.''
Jenny a mother of a recovered autistic child has recently led a rally of thousdands with Jim Carrey in Washington DC, this past summer, calling for the Federal Government to clean vaccines of all toxins and to change a loaded schedule that leads to the cause of autism. There are over 5000 cases of parents suing the government for improper immunization of children.
Doctors across the the nation are going after Jenny McCarthy's crusade. According to Spectrum, The American Association of Pediatrics (AAP) put a nationwide casting call looking for a spokesperson to combat Jenny. Jenny has been gaining world wide media attention fighting against what she deems, unsafe vaccines. Amanda Peet agreed to be a spokesperson for Ever Child By Two (ECBT) because she was concerned about the information circulating throughout Hollywood .
According to Jenny "Until she walks in our shoes she has no idea?? referring to Amanda Peet. She also says that the AAP "sucks".
National Autism Advocacy Group, Autism United, is calling for a boycott of all of Amanda Peet's movies. "We want to send a clear message to her," says Executive Director, John Gilmore. "Our community will not support the continued misinformation that is funneled into the media by organizations like ECBT and the AAP. We are not against vaccines, rather we are for safe vaccines. Until they understand that, we won't back down. Ms. Peet's comments are deplorable and an apology will not suffice. We applaud Jenny McCarthy's continued efforts and for speaking up for our community."