Thursday 28 August 2008

Pictures Of Silly

Can you remember the last time you felt excited by the fact you'd got a camera on your phone? What was it three, four years ago? Well, according to this press release we - or those of us who fall into the easily pitchable category, "the man on the street" - are still absolutely beside ourselves at the very idea of the whole phone-that-also-takes-pickchuz thing. Or, as an LiS reader with the hi-powered binoculars trained at the very front line of PR wonkery has it:

Hold the font page! Another urgent communiqué from the Department Of Stating The Blinding Obvious:

However:

1. Didn't the "new age in photography" dawn in 2002 when, as the timeline suggests, the first phone camera was made available?
2. As for the claim that "the mobile phone is allowing the man on the street to experiment with creative photography any place, any time" - presumably the same cannot be said of the Kodak Brownie, Olympus Trip, Polaroid et al
3. Who in their right mind would be happy to be described as a "Mo-Pho"?
Duh, duh and again, I tell you - duh


__________
Begin forwarded message:

From: "Barbara Bajkowski" [barbara@3-monkeys.co.uk]
Date: 27 August 2008 09:35:10 BDT
Subject: Brit's say cheese to mobile phone cameras

Brit’s say cheese to mobile phone cameras, according to 3
New age in photography dawns

The advent of mobile phone cameras has unleashed a new category of citizen snappers. Almost 70 per cent of the UK population (67 per cent) use their mobile phones as cameras when they’re out and about, indicating the rise of a new category of photographers, Mo-Phos or Mobile Photographers, according to mobile phone network 3.

A study into the photography habits of the nation showed that almost half (45 per cent) of the nation’s budding Annie Leibovitz and Mario Testinos are using their camera phones to capture quirky and interesting sights while on the go. However, the mobile phone camera remained less popular for traditional photography subjects such as family holidays (3 per cent), weddings and christenings (4 per cent).

Adam Davis, Head of Devices at 3 said: “Mobile phone cameras are allowing Brits to set their inner David Bailey free and snap away to their heart’s content, capturing quirky and interesting sights on the go.

“While there will always be a place for the old fashioned black and white film camera and the top of the range digital devices, the mobile phone is allowing the man on the street to experiment with creative photography any place, any time.

“With mobile phone usage at a record high with 70 million active mobile connections in the UK** we’re witnessing the dawning of a new age for the art of photography."

Wednesday 27 August 2008

It's Not The End Of The World

Do you think that the end of the world, the end of all life, the death of your loved ones and their loved ones and everything you've ever known would be "uber fun" or "uber cool"? Do you even know what "uber" means? If these people actually meant that this fist-biting clown-fest was going to be "the party to end all parties", then I for one would applaud them as it would surely follow that I wouldn't have to suffer any more of these ridiculous emails. "Please include in you previews", you previews? Can't you even get the first line right? Or, as an LiS reader from an Important Media Organisation has it:

One flaw with this, and it's possibly not the only one, is that the world didn't end on October 11, 1986, so it's rather built on a false premise, eh? "8pm-1am (or until we all die)? But you're not going to die at this night, are you? And is having a Britain's Got Talent finalist something to brag about when your night is meant to be "uber [without the umlaut] cool". Aside from that, top marks for your effort to make another version of School Disco sound like it isn't another version of School Disco.

----- Forwarded Message -----
"georgia@getinvolvedltd.com" [georgia@getinvolvedltd.com]
26/08/08 14:56
Subject: 11/10/08**The End of the World party**

THE INFAMOUS UBER FUN ,UBER COOL END OF THE WORLD PARTY IS BACK !
Please include in you previews and listings sections. I have an extremely limited review guestlist so please let me know if you would like to come asap. Dress code and all other info is below..
Kindest Georgia

It’s your last night on Earth.

So party like there’s no tomorrow.

DJ’s: The Loose Cannons / Miss V / The Angel of Mercy
Performers: Craig - Hula Hooper (Britain’s Got Talent finalist) / Matt Hennem – Contact Juggler And More TBC…

Dress Code:
1986 – RUSSIA VS AMERICA
Think Russian Spies, All-American Power Players, Margaret Thatcher, Madonna, Rocky IV, general citizens of the 80s, in fact anything 80s.

8PM – 1AM (OR UNTIL WE ALL DIE)/ 93 FEET EAST / £7 WWW.TICKETWEB.CO.UK

THE NIGHT
The End of the World is a themed clubbing experience at 93 Feet East, London E1. An unavoidable catastrophe is looming. We’re all going to die. But rather than mope around feeling sorry for ourselves, we’re throwing the party to end all parties. It’s your last chance to do all the things you always wanted to do and be the person you always wanted to be. The night combines DJs, live acts, and story telling and offers people the chance to party like there is no tomorrow.

THE STORY
The year is 1986 and a global catastrophe is looming YOU'VE DONE THIS BIT ALREADY. The Cold War between the Soviet Union and America has reached breaking point. On the night of 11 October the USA will launch an all-out nuclear attack on the Soviet Union. The Soviets will respond in kind, and the world will be obliterated. There will be no survivors. To avoid mass panic the governments of the world are doing their utmost to prevent this news from reaching the public, but we know the truth OH JESUS.

When the news breaks, some people might rush to be with their families; some might head for their places of worship; and some might simply be consumed by misery and self-pity. Then there will be some, like us, who might want to accept our fate, laugh in the face of adversity, gather together all the people we love and have the most self-indulgent, dirty, debauched night of our entire lives so that when we go out it’s with love in our hearts and smiles on our faces!

So, if you want to die happy, come to the party to end all parties, on your last night on Earth.

COUNTDOWN
A huge countdown clock and newsflash interruptions continually remind clubbers that they are here in celebration of their last few hours. Incredible acts will keep you entertained throughout the night and the indulgence area will make you feel like a million dollars on your last night ever.

ANY LAST REQUESTS?
It’s their last chance to dance, so the clubbers should choose the music! In the weeks running up to the night, guests can email in their “Last Requests” – the songs they want to dance their last dance to. As the clock ticks down, the DJs mix their chosen tracks and we party until we explode.


THE END
Our doom is inevitable but at least we’re in it together. As the clock ticks down, love spreads around the room as we say our final goodbyes before we countdown to destruction and enter the unknown…….there’ll be no survivors, but at least we’ll go out with a bang.

DRESS CODE

1986 – RUSSIA VS AMERICA
Think Russian Spies, All-American Power Players, Margaret Thatcher, Madonna, Rocky IV, general citizens of the 80s, in fact anything 80s.

THE END OF THE WORLD
SATURDAY 11 OCTOBER
8PM – 1AM (OR UNTIL WE ALL DIE)

Friday 22 August 2008

The Dork Continent

This just in from an LiS reader:

I suppose the charitable interpretation of this press release is that it was written by someone who didn't speak English as a first language. But given that the press contact appears to be English, with a UK phone number, I'm not convinced.

The intro is particularly choice: 'The saying goes: "The dust of Africa never leaves the soles of your feet" which must explain the continued growth in tourism on the continent and especially the nation of Botswana.' Eh?

Beyond that, I like the way the writer bravely ploughs through a seemingly-endless procession of grindingly boring facts and bad grammar before eventually getting around to the thing they are supposed to be selling in the last three paragraphs.
__________
FORWARDED MESSAGE
www.limpopo-lipadi.com

"The dust of Africa never leaves the soles of your feet"
The saying goes: "The dust of Africa never leaves the soles of your feet" which must explain the continued growth in tourism on the continent and especially the nation of Botswana.

Botswana is one of the most politically and economically stable countries in Africa and it ranks number 36 in the world according to the 2008 Index of Economic Freedom, a report that is compiled by the Heritage Foundation and Wall Street Journal. This figure seems to be reflected in the comments from Botswana's Minister of Environment, Wildlife and Tourism Honorable Onkokame Kitso Mokaila who recently announced that Travel and Tourism will be made a priority for the country's economy even more than it has been in past years. GREAT START - KEEP GOING!

Botswana has been one of the fastest growing nations in the world over the past 25 years and with July 2008 being earmarked as the month of national heritage it is easy to see why this nation has a continuous growth in economical and tourist figures YOU'RE LOSING ME :( It has a government and a people that believe in the bigger picture; a long term effect on the economy as an independent market and its place in the world market.

The travel and tourism demand in Botswana is forecast to average 5% growth per annum over the next 10 years which will comfortably exceed expected worldwide growth of 4.4% PICK UP THE PACE, SWEETHEART... The demand is already being reflected in the nation's employment figures. In 2006 the Botswana Tourism Board reported that travel and tourism accounted for one in every 10 jobs and in 2008 they expect the figure to improve to 1 in every 9, by 2018 this figure is set to rise to 1 in every 7.5 jobs I'M DYING HERE.

Developing other sub-sectors of travel and tourism in Botswana will see an expansion in nature-based and sustainable tourism. The World Travel and Tourism Council (WTTC) highlights the ongoing land allocation for tourism and conservation and environmental efforts saying: "TEDIOUS QUOTE REMOVED."

Limpopo-Lipadi is an independent game and wilderness reserve in eastern Botswana which is celebrating its 5th year in development in October 2008 with the completion of 6 lodge sites planned for December 2009. Covering some TEDIUM REMOVED, it goes without saying that investing is more than parting with some cash.

"I personally try to AND STILL WITH THE BORING STUFF running such a project"

The Limpopo-Lipadi project perfectly represents the type of intelligent, improving and enabling eco-responsible PLEASE MAKE IT STOP and enjoy, they are limitless.

For more information visit www.limpopo-lipadi.com

Rubbish NME Quotes In Press Releases: 3

It Hugs Back's Work Day

NME said: "Kent could soon produce it's (SIC) very own Bright Eyes"

Riiiigghht...

Thursday 21 August 2008

Ha! He Means Drugs!

Do you see what he's done here? James has mixed up - deliberately, mind - the record label he works for, Columbia, and the planet's 26th largest country, Colombia, home of FARC, the Witoto, Páez and Tucano people and, more to the point, mountains of delicious, snow-white bugle. A to the Mayzing! Thanks to a LiS reader in the central London area for sending me this.

------ Forwarded Message
From: [James.Hopkins@sonybmg.com]
Date: Thu, 21 Aug 2008 15:12:28 +0100
Subject: COLUMBIA BANDS AT READING/LEEDS ACTIVITY

For all of those of you at Reading & Leeds this weekend - We have a fine array of Columbia's finest in action...no not in the hospitality toilets!!!! but onstage.

TWISTED WHEEL - Named in this weeks NME Bands to watch of the weekend (attached here)...This fantastic new band from DELETED are already setting a blazing trail into 2009. They have just recorded their debut album with DELETED in DELETED and will be on tour for the rest of the year. They release a single 'DELETED' in DELETED and are around for interviews.

the METROS - Peckhams HE MEANS PECKHAM'S finest will be around as well to talk about their debut album which will hit stores on DELETED and all their recent mischief and escapades of which there are many. You can see them in the current issue of DELETED & making Rosamund Pike look good in the new DELETED. Hit us back with any requests yo!

RAGE & TENACIOUS D will not be doing Press interviews onsite but will both rock your f**kin' socks off. NO THEY WON'T - THEY ARE UNFUNNY NOBS

For Those about to rock we salute you.

Hit me back with requests: james.hopkins@sonybmg.com

Wednesday 20 August 2008

Hold That Tiny Box At The Extreme Bottom Left Of Page 83!

Thanks to a keen-eyed LiS reader I now know That Fucking Tank are - at last! - available for interview!

My questions for That Fucking Tank:
1. Guys! Great to meet you. Love the new mp3! How's things, yeah?
2. WHY OH WHY OH WHY HAVE YOU GOT SUCH A RUBBISH NAME?
/Ends/

If you have questions for That Fucking Tank (or Pulled Off By Horses, or whatever they're called), simply send them to me and I'll forward them on.

---------- Forwarded message ----------
From: James Brown - on the bone records
Date: 2008/8/19
Subject: Leeds/Reading festival - acts available for interviews

Hi all,

So Leeds/Reading festival is three days away and we have a few of our artists playing this years events including Fran Rodgers who won this years futuresound competition and will be opening the Festival Republic stage at both Reading and Leeds. Also Wintermute will be opening the Dance to the Radio stage on the Thursday night.

Pulled Apart by Horses and also That Fucking Tank will be playing the BBC Introducing stage at both Reading and Leeds. If you would like to speak/interview any of the following acts please get in touch with by this email or mobile phone number +44 ARE YOU CALLING FROM AMERICKY? 798**948*2 (James Brown). Or for any other press information please get in touch also JUST CALL ME, OK
.

Monday 18 August 2008

Yawn To Be Wild

In this day and age the very concept of an "embargo" is ludicrous. But when it's applied to a horseshit radio "poll" so lame you'd think it had broken both ankles well, the head spins with the hilarity of it all. But that's not why we're here. We're here because this is terrible PR. So,

1. Shouldn't that be "ROCK'S" not "ROCKS"?
2. How many people voted?
3. Who counted?
4. Were they allowed to choose whatever song they wanted?
5. Is it "Sweet child o'mine" or "Sweet child o’ mine", because you can't have both.
6. Is it "Whole lotta Love" or "Whole lotta love", because you can't have both.
7. When you say "Derek and the Dominoes", do you mean "Derek and the Dominos"?
8. When you mention Cream's "Sunshine for your love", do you mean Cream's "Sunshine Of Your Love"?

------ Forwarded Message
From: Julia Horne [julia.horne@pure.com]
Date: Mon, 18 Aug 2008 15:33:24 +0100
Subject: NAME DELTED - Rocks Greatest Riffs

EMBARGOED UNTIL 00:01HRS MONDAY 25th AUGUST 2008

‘SMOKE ON THE WATER’ BY DEEP PURPLE TOPS CHART AS ROCKS GREATEST RIFF

Top Ten To Be Played By NAME DELETED On Bank Holiday Monday

Award-winning DAB station NAME DELETED and DELETED, makers of the in-car DAB Radio "DELETED" have conducted a poll to establish the top ten greatest rock riffs of all time. OH BRILLIANT IDEA - THANKS! NAME DELETED listeners voted ‘Smoke on the Water’ to the number one spot with more than a third of the votes. Led Zeppelin’s ‘Whole Lotta Love’ took second place and Guns ‘n’ Roses ‘Sweet child o’ mine’ came in at number three

Top 10
1 Deep Purple Smoke on the Water

2 Led Zeppelin Whole lotta Love

3 Guns 'n' Roses Sweet child o'mine

4 AC/DC Whole lotta Rosie

5 Jimi Hendrix Voodoo Chile

6 Derek and the Dominoes Layla

7 Free Alright now

8 Cream Sunshine for your love

9 Black Sabbath Paranoid

10 Deep Purple Burn

Rubbish NME Quotes In Press Releases: 2

A Place To Bury Strangers' A Place To Bury Strangers

NME says: "A mountainous guitar squall that has the crowd's jaws on the floor slabs..."

Riiiighhht.

Rubbish NME Quotes In Press Releases: 1

Spank Rock And Benny Blanco's Bangers & Cash

NME Says: "Just as Rick Rubin reinvented music in the 80s, Spank Rock are going to do the same 20 years on..."

Riiiighhht.

Friday 15 August 2008

Planning Ahead With "Boreout"

I've just watched a clip of "Borat" on You Tube. NEWSFLASH: It's not funny anymore. Funnier than waiting for 14 months to tell people about "Boreout" though. Thanks to the LiS reader who sent me this:

Here is a quite mundane press release about the ‘growing office epidemic’ (to be honest, Martha, I think it probably reached pandemic status a while back, but whatever…) of ‘boreout’. Not really that interesting, until you notice the embargo – October 30, 2009. Well, I guess no one can say that we weren’t forewarned...

FORWARDED MESSAGE----------
From: Martha Fumagalli [mailto:MFumagalli@Koganpage.com]
Sent: 14 August 2008 17:53
To: Martha Fumagalli
Subject: Strategies to Fight Workplace Boredom

Dear all,
I copy below the press release of Boreout! Overcoming Workplace Boredom, launched on 30th October 2009.
'Boreout' is a growing phenomenon worldwide, it affects employees who feel increasingly disengaged from their work and become completely cut off from their company and its interests. This can have dire consequences both for the company's productivity and for the affected worker.

As you'll see in the press release below, the book describes what 'boreout' means, the causes, the symptoms and how to fight it off. Let me know if you'd like to see a review copy.

Best wishes,
Martha Fumagalli
Publicity Manager
Kogan Page
120 Pentonville Road
London N1 9JN

Boreout: A Lethal Office Epidemic!
Please don’t release before 30th October 2009

“According to recent global survey the overall European average for employees who feel stressed stands at 27%.

Of interest to us in this book are the remaining 73% - all those employees who place themselves between ‘stress level just right’ and ‘understretched’. So, it’s not about stress, but rather about the opposite: it’s not about burnout, but about boreout.”

From the Introduction to the book

· Dan Malachowski interviewed more than 10K employees about time-wasting in the workplace for Salary.com and AOL. 33% declared that they didn’t have enough to do at work.

· A Gallup poll indicates that in several European countries more than 80% of workers feel very little, if no, commitment to their companies.

· According to Kelly Services, an international agency, understretched employees represent the largest group of truly unsatisfied staff (44%).

In Boreout! Overcoming Workplace Demotivation, published by Kogan Page on 30th October, the authors describe its meaning, its causes, its symptoms and provides strategies for employers and affected employees to tackle this potentially lethal problem.

What’s boreout? Boreout, a growing workplace phenomenon, appears when disengaged employees grow increasingly indifferent to their job and ultimately feel cut off from their company and its interests.

Common causes: 1) feeling understretched and unsatisfied with the job. 2) lack of commitment: when the employee has to perform many mindless tasks, he easily becomes detached from his work and colleagues. 3) boredom: bored employees take refuge in their own world: they plan their next holiday, the weekend shopping trip and their future life during working hours!

Some symptoms: constant tiredeness, exaggerated irritability, listlessness and increasingly marked introversion

Solutions: both employers and employees must be on the lookout for symptoms of boreout, and if spotted act quickly as it can have dire consequences for the firm and the affected worker.

At the end of the book, the authors stress the importance of personal responsibility to combat boreout. True, most companies are interested in their financial bottom line rather then their employees, true most bosses are interested in their own career rather than the well-being of their team, but ultimately it’s the HANG ON - I'VE DIED OF BOREOUT

Please Nail Me To The Groove Immediately

If I worked at Purple PR I'd have the following points to make about this press release.
1. Remove the bit about "simply not playing by anyone's rules but his own" as that's clearly rubbish.
2. If he's in charge of his own promotion, why are we sending this?
3. DIY underground scenes don't have poster boys - that's the point of them.
4. Saying anything is, "everything that’s exciting and unique about UK music today!" is ridiculous.
5. Do you actually know what "New York Backpack rappers" are?
6. Remove all references to, "nail-you-to-the-groove 80s tinged electro-hop" and think of something less silly sounding.
7. "My music, it’s very different, it appeals to everyone and it hasn’t been done before.” GOOD LUCK WITH THIS BIT.

I'd then have a biscuit and a lie down in a dark room as I tried to forget about the phrase, "the jeans of a Kings Of Leon". When I'd got my strength back I'd add what a reader from a globally recognised media organisation noted, to whit:

So, first rule of news: the most interesting stuff goes at the top. Wow! Master Shortie was born in Swindon! The second paragraph is particularly sweet as well - good to get the typo in Terence Trent D'Arby's name, and a particularly hilarious gag about "kids". As for the third paragraph, where, I wonder, can I get my "cuddly crunk accoutrements"?

forwarded message________
FROM: "Katherine" [katherine@purplepr.com]
13/08/08 15:56
SUBJECT: INTRODUCING...MASTER SHORTIE!

Single: ‘Rope Chain’ out on 1st September 2008

Born in Swindon and raised in South London, Master Shortie is a self-made 19-year-old artist who simply doesn’t play by anyone’s rules but his own. A man who is totally in charge of all of his own promotion, record releases, styling and marketing - he’s fast becoming the poster boy of a DIY underground scene that represents everything that’s exciting and unique about UK music today!

Influences from the neo-soul underground New York Backpack rappers, Mos Def, Andre 3000, Prince, Paul Simon, Terence Trent Darby and Tracy Chapman, Master Shortie makes the kind of vibrant, nail-you-to-the-groove 80s tinged electro-hop that puts him alongside Black Kids, Cool Kids and any other kind of kids that are redefining what 21st Century, post-industry music can be.

It’s Master Shortie’s charm, energy and individual style – the iris-scorching baseball caps, cuddly crunk accoutrements and the jeans of a Kings Of Leon – that set him apart from the crowd as a truly unique artist. Master Shortie’s debut single is the cinematic hip-hop name checking ‘Rope Chain’, out as a digital release on 1st September 2008 and already all over MTV Base.

Master Shortie’s debut album ‘ADHD’ due out in January 2009, will also include the soulful boy band balladry ‘Under The Moon’, the spite-fuelled ‘Merry Go Round’ as well as ‘Prince Charming’ a perky slab of electronic pop pizzazz, which samples Adam Ant’s 1980s swashbuckling anthem. The indie-rap thumper ‘Dead End’ will follow ‘Rope Chain’ as Master Shortie’s first major single release in October this year.

“The album’s called ADHD, standing for Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder,” he says, “it’s like when someone’s different, people just don’t know what to do or how to take it, and as a child, if your different, they classify you as having ADHD. Same as my music, it’s very different, and the fact that it appeals to everyone, and it hasn’t been done before.”

The "Post-Mercury Demise Queen" Conundrum

However long this person spends trying to avoid the issue, the truth remains that Queen without Freddie Mercury (or, 'Freddie Mercury' as he appears here, for some reason) isn't really Queen at all. But how many ways can he find to fudge the issue? Or, as a reader has it:

If anything can be said to scream, 'Please give it up, granddad,' then it's this...

“THE COSMOS ROCKS”
QUEEN + PAUL RODGERS FIRST STUDIO ALBUM
EMI/Parlophone Release September 15

“Our teachers were The Beatles, Jimi Hendrix, blues & soul…”

The first thing you notice about The Cosmos Rocks, the much anticipated first album from rock legends Queen + Paul Rodgers is “all tracks written by Queen and Paul Rodgers”…”produced and performed by Brian May, Paul Rodgers and Roger Taylor” (indicating that between them they played all instruments, including bass - Paul and Brian swapping duties - in case you were going to ask NO ONE WAS, NOT EVER). This is obviously not a case of Rodgers lightly stepping in to fill a vocal gap, as some might have been drawn to assume would be the case when the three of them got into the studio together.

No, this is a full bodied, group endeavour: May, Rodgers and Taylor in a totally democratic union, even down to equally sharing the credits. The album’s dedication to legendary Queen front man ‘Freddie Mercury,’ (you’ll also see thanks credits to John Deacon and Paul Kossoff) shows the band mates still feel his presence strongly enough to dedicate this entirely new work to him, nearly 13 years on from Queen’s last studio album. You also wonder how Rodgers who takes control as main vocalist on all thirteen tracks here feels about his work being dedicated to the man whose fans still worship at the altar WORSHIP AT THE ALTAR! AMAZING! of the pre-Mercury demise Queen HE MEANS QUEEN.

But then thinking about it, it doesn’t seem quite so strange. Brian May and Roger Taylor have, after all, never shied from acknowledging the mighty presence Mercury provided to the band on stage and the wonders of his extraordinary creativity in the studio. Mostly, they acknowledge how even today, they still miss ‘dear Fred' I CAN'T STAND ANYMORE

Thursday 14 August 2008

My Domestic Appliance Joy

Call me a cynical old goat, but I just don't believe that anyone can honestly say that they're "excited" about punting stories about pastel-coloured fridges (especially when those pastel-coloured fridges are a good four or five years past their fashionable "peak"). Still, you have to admire Publicasity's shamelessness. Or, as a reader has it:

Impressive. And from a "brand alchemist" no less...

Begin forwarded message:

From: "Estelle Boon" [eboon@publicasity.co.uk]
Date: 13 August 2008 14:43:50 BDT
Subject: Smeg - New PR account at Publicasity

Hello,

Publicasity is pleased to inform you that we are now handling the PR account for Smeg, the Italian domestic appliance manufacturer. Obviously we are very excited about working with such an iconic brand, which effortlessly marries style with technology, and will be getting in touch shortly with all the latest news from Smeg. Please see below our contact details should you require any product information and/ or imagery.

Speak soon!

The Smeg Team at Publicasity
(Estelle, Elle, Julie)

Estelle Boon - Brand Alchemist

An Object Lesson In Badness

The following is precisely the sort of press release that inspired this blog in the first place. Some PR is awful because the person can't spell, some because they can't use basic grammar, some because they're clearly writing about something they don't like or have little or no understanding of. Then there's PR that's awful because it's merely a string of bruisingly tired cliches strung together to fill up a page. This is one of them. From the opening quote ("heads down, sweat-soaked stuff" - great!), through the crapola about blurring musical boundaries - uh-huh - to the use of long-outlawed words like "blitzkrieg" and, heaven help us, "sophomore" - hello? can you open the drapes and get those diapers off my faucet - this delivers again and again and again. Or, as a reader from London's South Bank has it:

This has got to be a joke, right? When I looked on my calender this morning it was 2008, yet I've just received this and, apparently, it's still OK to use phrases like, "Hard to define and certainly hard to ignore" when, as Hyper and his pals are, unfortunately, about to realise, this album will actually be incredibly easy to ignore.

------ Forwarded Message
From: nix [nix@phuturetrax.co.uk]
Date: Wed, 13 Aug 2008 16:55:07 +0100
Subject: Hyper - the new album "Suicide Tuesday"

HYPER “SUICIDE TUESDAY”

“There's more than a tinge of the rock and industrial to a lot of the material here...This isn't preening music for the beautiful people, this is heads-down sweat-soaked stuff for people who dance hard until the lights come up and the bouncers shove them out of the venue “

Distorting and blurring the musical boundaries, Hyper unleash their dark and satirically-named new album, 'Suicide Tuesday' on Kilowatt Recordings in September 2008. Already creating a stir around the first single, “Centre Attraction”, the second album entitled 'Suicide Tuesday' throbs with punk energy, razor-sharp guitars and bass, and their trademark mashed up beats. Creating their own blitzkrieg electronic sound unlike anything else out there; Hyper's sophomore album is the 'night after the day before' companion to their ground breaking debut album. If Crass and the Pistols had the tech know-how and ended up in a transit van with a French electro sound and Pendulum's stadium beats you'd be close with a bloody nose.

This new rawer sound Hyper have unlocked since their initial success with their first album, “We Control” has been turning heads with the opening single cut, “Centre Attraction”; which has already been snapped up for “CSI Miami”. With remixes from South Central and newbies GeRM, the package is a great appetite wetter for the long player. Elsewhere on the album you find cameos from diverse quarters. Charlotte from indie rock darlings THE SUBWAYS provides vocals on the self assured “I'm an Image” whilst longtime collaborator Leeroy Thornhill (Ex Prodigy) adds the rave to the punk on energy driven standouts such “Let Me In” and “Touch”. Elsewhere on the record you find West Coast American punk rock energies (“It's Sick”) with a slick samples and vocal delivery from new jaw-dropping live vocalist Axe-Girl, and Direct Electro Noise mongering (“Jabba”). Jim Davies' (Prodigy/Pitchshifter) guitar playing again stands out and it's his vocal on debut single “Centre Attraction” which chews over the cult of celebrity before stabbing it directly through the heart. Easy listening this is not. Even when Hyper brings it down a notch (“Deteriorate”) there's always a sense of the suspense.

Already tracks from the record have ended up on key TV shows such as Ugly Betty (Replica), CSI:NY (Centre Attraction) & Sony Playstation games, it appears the record has a wide reaching appeal. Hard to define and certainly hard to ignore, with 'Suicide Tuesday' the band have an album which grabs you by the balls and gets you out of your seat.

Wednesday 13 August 2008

Hair-larious

Finally! An answer the question that has been endlessly asked in homes up and down this proud land. Namely, how can I care for my family's hair without breaking the bank? Because, let's be honest, shampoo is one of the major expenditures in all our lives, right? I mean, it's got to be, ooh, three quid a month or something? Thank God then for Anais Roc at Focus PR and this timely announcement from Vosene. A regular LiS contributor forwarded this, noting:

No doubt the CEO of Citigroup (writedowns totalling $56bn) will be reassured by news from this venerable FMCG haircare brand.

Duh.

-----Begin forwarded message:
From: "Anais Roc" [Anais@focuspr.co.uk]
Date: 11 August 2008 14:10:20 BDT
Cc: "Vosene" [vosene@focuspr.co.uk]
Subject: Beat the credit crunch with Vosene

















Tuesday 12 August 2008

Left Hand, Meet Right Hand

If you're going to, potentially, award something to someone then, you know what, just have a quick ring around and see if they're up for it. It's not rocket science, is is it? Anyway, full marks to Vodafone here for this calamitous silliness. And if James really are the winners of the Best Live Return award then, please, can we all just pack up and go home? Or, as a reader from a respected media outlet has it:

You probably received this. Hilarious.

-----Forwarded 11-8-2008 09:27 -----

To: Tony Harding
Date: 7-8-2008 18:09
Subject: "Iron Maiden today advised that they do not wish to be featured in this year's Vodafone Live Music Awards category for Best Live Return"

Iron Maiden today advised that they do not wish to be featured in this year's Vodafone Live Music Awards category for Best Live Return. Although nominated in this year's category for Best Live Return following their triumphant recent show at Twickenham Stadium, they felt that since they have always toured regularly throughout their careers it would not be at all appropriate for them to be included for an award for a Best Live Return.

Vodafone spokesperson commented "We respect and support the band's decision and have complied with their request to be removed from this year's shortlist. We are also extremely pleased to announce that James will be replacing them in the category of Best Live Return”.

Tony Harding
Digital Comms Executive

Sunday 10 August 2008

Snow Patrol: Idiots

For once, here's a band making a hash of their own PR. Poor old Katherine at Purple has to send this out with her own name on it, presumably while trying to blank out the image of a tearful Gary Snow Patrol engaging himself in some vigorously apologetic love. Or, as a reader from a globally respected media outlet has it:

Oh dear. My world is shattered. Snow Patrol really are a bunch of insufferable nobs, aren't they?

----- Forwarded Message
From: Katherine: [katherine@purplepr.com>]
Subject: SNOWPATROL STATEMENT

"Hello everyone
Well, in this world of instant coffee, news, messaging and everything else
is was bound to happen. In an interview with the Belfast Telegraph we let slip the working title of the album then said not to print it until we had finalised it with each other (and put it on this very site). Those words were not heeded and they printed it anyway.

We’re sorry you didn’t hear it from us first but the album is indeed called 'a hundred million suns’. We will endeavour to make you guys the first to hear about everything else. It’s becoming increasingly hard but we’ll do our best.

Lots of apologetic love to you all. Gary.x"

Friday 1 August 2008

Unleash The Bass-Heavy Indie Rock!

I honestly don't know where to start with this one. Perhaps with, "unleash" a word that is high on my List Of Words That Should Never Appear In A Press Release. I mean, "unleash", Grace - really? Didn't your fingers just ache with shame while you were trying to tap that one out? And "soundtracking the world's most exciting parties", you mean they played some records a bit louder than they would at home and some people jigged about for a bit before having another drink and going home, right? And as for them being "fed-up with the banality and predictability of the nineties dance culture," well, for a start, the 90s was a long time ago and, for another start, Medicine 8 were, as a I recall, easily as banal and predictable as anyone else at the time. Anyway, I could go on and on about it, but a reader has summarised it thus:

This is a total grammar graveyard :(

---------- Forwarded message ----------
From: Grace Wood [grace@nile-on.com]
Subject: **Introducing Black Daniel: Single - Chelsea's Teardrops & host the video**

Black Daniel release a new single, "Chelsea's Teardrops / Hard Times On The Way" through Pieces of Eight Records on 4th August 2008. It is taken from their debut album 'Hard Times On The Way...' released on 8th September 2008.

London based electro-rock trio, Black Daniel unleash a fresh breed of bass-heavy, synth-infused indie-rock to British shores.

Black Daniel consist of the London born brothers Liam and Luke May, and New York ex-pat vocalist Craig Louis Higgins Junior. The May brothers were also known as seminal electro-house outfit Medicine 8, who, as DJs and producers toured the world from Buenos Aires to Tokyo, soundtracking the world's most exciting parties. A chance encounter at a New York nightclub brought them into contact with Craig Louis Jr, an influential club promoter at the time, and well respected for his club nights all over the city. An immediate bond ensued and Black Daniel was born.

Fed-up with the banality and predictability of the nineties dance culture, Black Daniel bring to light their satirical view on the last decade's obsession with all things material, and present it in an invigorating and urgent new sound.

Having already toured the length and breadth of Europe with Kasabian to arena sized audiences, Black Daniel have toned their live show to fill and spill out of any venue thrown at them, and energize each and every willing participant.

Grace Wood
Account Manager
www.nile-on.com