Thursday, 17 December 2009

Christmas Crappers

Oh look! Amazing! A record made by some blokes and released on Sony is Number One! That means that another record sung by a bloke and released on Sony won't be Number One! Eat that, Nasty Nigel or whatever your bloody name is. Stuff you, I won't buy what you tell me! I'll buy what someone on Facebook tells me to instead. So there.

This just in from a well-turned out chap who's just moved to a new office somewhere swish.

Lesson one at Bad PR University: Attempt to align your dismal campaign with whatever might be happening in the world of things people do actually want to write about, even though this will ultimately result in making your client seem even less relevant than they were to begin with.

Lesson two: Write your press release in the manner of something that's been translated from a foreign language.

---------- Forwarded message ----------
From: Chris Hall [chris.jdwpr@googlemail.com]
Date: 2009/12/15
Subject: J-Proc/ The £20 independent alternative to Joe & RATM

Hello There,

"A Christmas Song (Stuff The Turkey)"

As You ME? are well aware – the Christmas this year GREAT START! has EH? an exciting battle between Joe McElderry and Rage Against the Machine brewing YES, LIKE A SCHOOLBOY'S FART. However, everyone is saying that the real winner are HE MEANS IS Sony – given that both acts are signed to subsidiary record labels. So, I just wanted to remind you of the home-made independent alternative by duo J-Proc DEFINITELY COULD'VE DONE WITH MORE COMMAS. With a single and video which cost £20 in total AND I BET THEY LOOK LIKE IT TOO, the novelty pairing have released a seasonal take of HE MEANS ON the novelty record with a contemporary feel NOVELTY AND CONTEMPORARY, YOU'RE SPOILING US. With a growing popularity on youTube HE MEANS YouTube and lots of discussion in forums HE MEANS ON FORUMS, the pair found themselves in Amazon’s Top 100 briefly REALLY? HOW IMPRESSIVE on Monday OH for their attempt at the Top 40 AN ATTEMPT THAT FAILED. WHY ARE YOU STILL TELLING ME ABOUT IT?

“It don't feel like Christmas no more, with no novelty records innit OH CHRIST So we is bringing you the novelty record to top them all, 'A Christmas Song (Stuff The Turkey)'” - Proc Proc ALI G WAS BRILLIANT, WASN'T HE?

“I love this time of year man OH SHIT, it doesn't get better than dancing with your friends to the latest Christmas song. This year we thought people needed something other than Noddy Holder and OH SHUT UP.

In a year which could have provided X Factor's Jedward as the closest thing this country has seen to a novelty Christmas record I SORT OF SEE WHAT YOU MEAN HERE BUT YOU REALLY SHOULD HAVE HAD ANOTHER GO AT THIS BIT, J-Proc have decided to be late entrants into the race for the Christmas number 1 A RACE YOU'VE ALREADY TOLD US THAT THEY'VE LOST as an independent, self-funded competitor with their frolicsome AMAZING! dance and sing-along tune "A Christmas Song (Stuff The Turkey)". With the competition tough, they hope that their brand of cheesy techno pop IT SOUNDS GOOD ALREADY can recapture the fun of the Christmas record that has been missing in recent years AGAIN WITH THE TERRIBLE WRITING.

The single is accompanied by a home-made music video OH JUST KILL ME NOW. Both Proc Proc and JW are keen to do interviews YES, I BET THEY ARE about their novelty crusade or at least garner a few mentions AIM LOW - GOOD TACTIC as THE real Christmas record this year WHATEVER THAT MEANS. If you need anything further, please BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH.

Best

Chris Hall

Friday, 11 December 2009

Top Of The Pop Ups

I'm going to step aside and let this angry LiS operative situated in a position of power at a national newspaper take over. "Pop Up" PRs would do well to read on...

Will you c**t-witted PRs desperate to appear hip to your suited clients please f*ck off with your pop up clubs/bars/shops and assorted twat emporiums?

Recently I've had:

Laura from Money with the email: Rosie Lovell pop up restaurant and cultural Christmas experience! She's the author of Spooning with Rosie, dontcha know?

Nicola from Coverdale Davis comes up with her original idea: Blaguette Pop-Up Shop. Except there is nothing pop up about it. It's a f*cking shop full stop.

Love Fashion come out a corker that combines the new buzz word and street talk in such an excruciating fashion that even a hip Geography teacher would squirm at it.
Invitation: Fashion X Showroom, pop-up boutique and 'Da Sidewalk is da Catwalk' (THIS ONE ACTUALLY MAKES A LITTLE BIT OF SICK APPEAR IN MY MOUTH *sad face*)

Cassandra at de Winter PR has obviously never heard of temporary radio licenses that have been handed out for decades. Or pirate radio either for that matter. Now - drum roll - it is a pop up station.

Then the normally reliable James at Sony sent out:
THIRD MAN ANNOUNCE SPECIAL LONDON POP UP STORE & DEAD WEATHER TV.

And then this one. Every single year in my home town an empty shop is taken over for a couple of weeks to flog Christmas wrapping paper and gift tags only to close on Boxing day. Here in London a temporary Christmas gift shop is a pop up urban shop. C*nts!


----- Forwarded message -----
FROM: Eva McBride [eva@gonefishingpr.com]
Subject: You are invited to the Christmas Flying Eye Pop Up Urban Shop preview

FLYING EYE BALL POP UP SHOP AND EXHIBITION
10am- 8pm
27 CORK STREET, MAYFAIR, LONDON

INKIE, the King Pin AMAZING! of the UK Graffiti scene for the past 25 years returns this Christmas to bring us a whole sack-full of original art works, canvases, prints, toys, sculptures, T-shirts and books from some of Europe’s finest artists. This urban pop up shop is one of it’s SHE MEANS ONE OF "A" kind, and will be found popping-up in delightful Cork Street, Mayfair, the hub of London’s Art finery LONDON'S ART WHAT?. This is the first of many Flying Eyeball Productions so watch this art space AMAZING (AGAIN)! This Christmas Pop up shop is the strongest visual feast from any European Urban Art Exhibition this season OH RLY?

The pop up shop will open its doors to the public just in time to snap up some one-of-a kind, quirky Christmas gifts, perfect for the man or woman who has everything. 24 carat gold leaf prints from INKIE and 28 colour screen prints from Drum and Bass legend Goldie, will be on offer to tickle your festive fancy GOOD WORK, KEEP GOING.

Other stocking filler goodies including unique sculptures and toys will be on offer from *DEEP BREATH* Heavy Dave, Shoe, Inkie, Eine, Scalp Rot, Mysterious Al, Sickboy, Chew My Boxers, Insa, Zeus, Hush, Mau Mau, Stink-gasm, Kid Acne, Steff Plaetz, Chu, Shok 1, RYCA, Asthmatic Prawn, David Walker, Wazzock, China Mike, Part2ism, Ben Allen, Andy Council-House, Pure Evil, Shazer, George Morton Clark, Milk, Heavy Biscuits, Dora and Don. And Winky. And Blouse. I'VE MADE SOME OF THESE UP - CAN YOU GUESS WHICH ONES?

Heralding from the infamous Bristol School of Graffiti BAD WRITING ALERT, Inkie has been identified as one of the leading UK urban artists alongside Banksy, Nick Walker and Massive Attacks SHE MEANS MASSIVE ATTACK'S 3D. A dominant presence for over 2 SHE MEANS TWO decades on the international graffiti scene, Inkie’s trademark Ink Nouveau ladies and striking wildstyles draw from diverse inspiration ranging from *READS FROM OLD PRESS RELEASE* Art Nouveau, Ancient Architecture, Natural forms and Islamic Geometry. RIGHT YOU ARE.


A private press and buyers viewing will also take place on OH WOTEVA...

Thursday, 26 November 2009

What's The Skinny?

This just in from an LiS reader who works for a serious internet "journal".

Would you please just fack out of my inbox with your awful press release.

---------- Forwarded message ----------
From: George [georgia@freewheelinmedia.com]
Date: 2009/11/26
Subject: DEC 7th RELEASE ** Skinny Lister- 'December'- 7th December**

**DECEMBER SINGLE & ONES TO WATCH**

Hello!

Skinny Lister is a harmonious wonder OH GOD, HERE WE GO of modern musical times, totally at one with the 'old style days' WHAT IN THE NAME OF EVERYTHING WE HOLD HOLY DOES 'OLD STYLE DAYS' ACTUALLY MEAN? where humanity and nature weremore SHE MEANS "WERE MORE" closely aligned, before concrete towers BOO! and obstructed horizons DOUBLE-BOO! reduced emotions to a monotonous average OH DO ME A FAVOUR LOVE.

Where folk danced in the countryside PAGING ALL FIRST YEAR THOMAS HARDY STUDENTS, hand in hand with lovers, while friends played their tunes and melodies under the ever-changing skies PERHAPS IF SOMEONE COULD KILL ME NOW? THANKS.

Their second single ‘December’, taken from their forthcoming album scheduled to SHE MEANS "FOR" release next year, is a rich track full of familiarity SO IT'S LIKE A LOAD OF THINGS WE'VE ALREADY HEARD THEN, GREAT!, winter warmth and melancholic memories TITILLATE ME WITH ALLITERATION!. Featuring a beautifully heart felt acoustic arrangement IE BORING ACOUSTIC TWANGING which sets the scene for winters, long days, falling leaves and times from days gone by YOU NEED TO GET OVER THIS 'DAYS GONE BY' CRAP, REAL TALK.

Their beautiful debut track ‘Plough & Orion’ was picked up by 6Music, BBC2‘s ‘The Cut’, Artrocker Magazine, The Independent amongst other *SNOOZES PEACEFULLY*. Skinny Lister’s beautiful songwriting and intimate artrock performances showcase their talents to a tee; sometimes sombre yet sweet in nature and gentle to the ear, a sense of timelessness and creativity make the Skinny Lister experience laid back and effortlessly enjoyable IN SHORT: CATASTROPHICALLY BORING GUITAR TWIDDLERS IN SILLY HATS THEN.

Saturday, 7 November 2009

Andre And Buena: Together At Last!

Sometimes I feel sorry for a PR who is, y'know, trying their best, but just doesn't have the skills to get one past a magnificently unforgiving newspaper professional...

Dear LiS

They lost me at "Fans go wild"...

FWD MESSAGE______________________________
From: "Eleanor" [eleanor@bornfree.org.uk]

SUBJECT: WORLD EXCLUSIVE: FANS GO WILD AS PETER ANDRE AND MUTYA BUENA ANNOUNCE THAT THEY WILL PERFORM ‘UNCONDITIONAL’ FOR THE FIRST TIME TOGETHER AT BORN FREE’S WILD & LIVE

7.30pm SATURDAY 14th NOVEMBER 2009, ROYAL ALBERT HALL



Fans of Peter Andre and ex Sugababe Mutya Buena CAN SOMEONE RESERVE EIGHT SEATS NOW PLEASE will get a unique opportunity to see the two stars "STARS" perform together for the first time in public; at Born Free’s star studded WILD & LIVE at the Royal Albert Hall. Their one-off appearance will set the show alight I WOULD RATHER BE SET ALIGHT THAN SUFFER EVEN ONE SECOND OF THESE TWO BOW-LEGGED, ARSE-FACED, WALL-EYED, CROW-FOOTED, MOUTH-BREATHING, NOSE-PICKING, WASHED-UP SQUAWKERS with a version of Peter’s new single ‘Unconditional’, tipped to be No 1 when it is released next week. AMAZING (IE, NOT AMAZING).

Following Pete’s announcement on Facebook FACEBOOK! BRILLIANT! that he was scheduled to perform at WILD & LIVE in advance of his ‘Revelation Tour’ in 2010, the Born Free offices were inundated by calls from excited fans. SID AND DORIS BONKERS, CALLING FROM NEASDEN ON BEHALF OF THEIR GOD-DAUGHTER, CANAPE (CURRENTLY ON LOCK-DOWN *SAD FACE*).

At the eagerly anticipated WILD & LIVE both Pete and Mutya will perform several of their chart hits THAT'LL BE GOOD before joining together for ‘Unconditional’.

Mutya was in the original chart topping Sugababe line up and the band went on to become one of the most successful UK girl bands in British history, with four platinum selling albums, six number one singles, a BRIT-Award as well as a platinum-selling greatest hits album. THEN SHE LEFT AND HER CAREER DIED LIKE A LOUSE IN A RUSSIAN'S BEARD, REMEMBER THAT BIT?

Peter is now a much loved household name OH DO FACK OFF with a huge and loyal fan base YEAH. He has achieved 8 top 5 singles in the UK alone, including four number 1s. His new single GET ON WITH IT...

WILD & LIVE takes place at the Royal Albert Hall on Saturday 14th November at 7:30pm where Peter and Mutya will be joined by an international line-up of top stars from the world of music and entertainment. Including THIS IS THE REALLY GOOD BIT

Bryan Adams (OK, STAR), Martin Clunes (MORE OF A TWAT THAN A STAR, TBH), Beverley Craven (HAHAHAHAHA), Karen Hardy (WHO SHE?) and Mark Ramprakash (WHO HE?), Gabriella Cilmi (NOT A STAR), Kiki Dee (HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA) and Carmelo Luggeri (WHO HE?), Rolf Harris (STAR), Tony Mortimer (HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA), Robert Wells (WHO HE?), Fuse (WHO THEY?), African Drummers (WHAT, ALL OF THEM?), Fire Poet (EH?), Inspire Choir (WHO?), Nick Knowles (COCK-END), Donal and Ameera MacIntyre (COCK-ENDS), John Altman (THEY MEAN NICK COTTON), Michael McKell (WHO HE?), Gary Webster (WHO HE?) and Wendy Turner (WHO SHE?), Rula Lenska (AMAZING), Anneka Rice (NOT AMAZING), Catriona Wiles (WHO SHE?) and Partner (WHO?) Virginia McKenna (DESERVES HIGHER BILLING), Joanna Lumley (DESERVES MUCH HIGHER BILLING), Graham Norton (TWAT), Lady Victoria Hervey (HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA), Helen Worth (THEY MEAN GAIL TILSLEY), Mark Austin (WHO HE?).


Marking the 25th Anniversary of the Born Free Foundation, funds raised from the concert will help save the lives of over 25,000 animals in the wild and alleviate the suffering of animals in captivity, including many threatened and endangered species OH NEVER MIND ABOUT ALL THAT SHIT, WHEN'S NICK COTTON ON?).

A special range of WILD & LIVE merchandise has been produced including specially designed T.Shirts and ribbons and with profits from the sale of each item going to save the OH WOTEVA...

Tuesday, 3 November 2009

He's The Simon Cowell Of Urinals, Apparently

This just in from an LiS operative working undercover. Claiming you're the "Simon Cowell" of anything is so reductive and pointless, so leaden and tiresome and silly and misguided and useless it makes my teeth ache. To say you're the Simon Cowell of Pissoirs - indeed, to trumpet the idea in a press release - is to shout from the very rooftops that you are a lumpen oaf. It is Titanically awful. Still, as long as your name "gets about", eh.

Forwarded Message
From: Alex Garvey [alex@londonpragency.com]
Date: Tue, 3 Nov 2009 15:08:36 -0000
Subject: I'm The Simon Cowell of urinals

Hi – would you like to feature this? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! NO.

“I’m the Simon Cowell of urinals!”

He’s created everything - from door knobs for Sir Elton John to luxurious clubs for A-listers and places for ladies who lunch in Harvey Nichols…to kebab shops and park benches in the Midlands THE MIDLANDS - THAT'S WHERE POOR PEOPLE LIVE :( Now interior designer Philip Watts is staging a retrospective, back at the university where it all began.

He says: “It’s our guiding philosophy to take uninteresting, unloved objects and breathe new life into them, make them exciting.

“We’ve turned our attention to objects as disparate as urinals, door handles and cigarette bins. Anything unloved and uninteresting, let’s play with it and make it stimulating and exciting. OH AMAZING.

“I suppose I have a fascination with objects, I say, ‘God, you’re dull. Why are you dull? There’s no need for you to be dull. THIS IS PRECISELY WHAT I WAS THINKING. Let’s make you good.’

“People LIKE WHO? say we give objects personality. It’s like the X Factor for the uninteresting architecture of life. I am the Simon Cowell of urinals! We take boring objects and we turn them into stars and then send them out into the OH CHRIST ALRIGHT, GIVE IT A REST...

Monday, 2 November 2009

Blind Stupidity

It's been a while, sorry. Had a lot on.

This just in from an LiS operative embedded in the field. And stuff.

Dear LiS,

Some time back I sent you a monumentally stupid press release about net curtains unfairly being the butt of music hall jokes - unfair because of how they stop burglars getting into your house and all that.

I now feel I was a little harsh on senders of that first email. For I have now been sent another release - about window dressings, again - which is so horrifically dreadful I am convinced it is sent to me in malice. I shall resist self-harming however, and hoping you don't mind too much, will send it to you to do with it as you will. I'm upset, you can imagine.

To be fair, it is not all bad. I can't deny I enjoyed the reference to "canopes" and the use of "!" where there really is no need, although I do like the graph demonstrating just how each type of blind connects with different areas of the UK.


----- Forwarded 27/10/2009 16:20
FROM: "Kirsty Hunt" [khpr@btinternet.com]
SUBJECT: Where we live affects window dressing, reveals research

Where we live has a huge influence on our choice of window dressing, according to research published today.

A new report has revealed that homeowners living in the Midlands opt for Vertical blinds, as do those in the South East. Whereas people living in the North West like the simplicity of Venetian blinds, the South West has a preference for Pleated and those in the North East, Scotland, Ireland and Wales favour Roller blinds THIS IS AMAZING STUFF - KEEP GOING!

And according to Jenny Eaton from NAME DELETED Northampton “MIDLANDERS LIKE THEIR PRIVACY”. DID SHE SCREAM IT LIKE THAT TOO? IS SHE MAD? She said, “Northampton, like many Midlands-based towns, has quite a few terraced houses where the front room window looks out on to the street. Vertical blinds are the best equivalent to net curtains, which are now considered old fashioned, and offer privacy without blocking out too much light, which is why I think they’re so popular.” I THINK I LOVE YOU, JENNY.

The study was carried out by NAME DELETED Blinds, one of the UK and Ireland’s largest retailers of blinds, shutters and awnings.

Homeowners in the South East are adopting the trend for shutters faster than anywhere else in the UK and Ireland, with twice as many customers fitting shutters in their homes. INCREDIBLE - THIS IS THE SORT OF INCISIVE STUFF WE'D PROBABLY LOSE IN A "FREEMIUM"-LED UNIVERSE.

More awnings and canopes CANOPES! LIKE CANOPIES, ONLY NOT QUITE AS USEFUL IN THE RAIN (OR THE SUN) are also sold in the South East than the rest of the country – it must be the weather! YES! HAHAHAHAHA! IT MUST BE!

General Manager of NAME DELETED Blinds Gary Chambers said: “I WANTED TO BE A TRAIN DRIVER OR AN ASTRONAUT. OR EVEN A POLICEMAN. BUT NO. I SELL BLINDS. FRANKLY, IT WOULD BE BETTER IF I'D NEVER BEEN BORN [sad face]. We started to see some general trends and decided to delve deeper into different regions’ buying decisions and style choice. We thought there would be more OH, ALRIGHT, "GARY". GIVE IT A REST.

“We knew shutters were really taking off in the South East, but it was interesting to see that Roller Blinds were the most popular option in Scotland. YES, THAT MUST HAVE BEEN AN AMAZING DAY IN THE OFFICE WHEN THAT NEWS CAME IN! I BET YOU LOT AT NAME DELETED BLINDS MUST HAVE GONE FACKING MENTAL WHEN THE WHOLE "ROLLER BLINDS IN SCOTLAND" INFO BEGAN TO FILTER THROUGH ON THE OLD TICKER-TAPE MACHINE. I SEE DOLLY-BIRD SECRETARIES KISSING FLUSTERED MANAGING DIRECTORS, JUNIOR OFFICE CLERKS DREAMING OF AN EXTRA HALF OF MILD AT LUNCHTIME AND THE ENTIRE SALES-FORCE SAT IN LINE IN THE CAR-PARK REVVING THEIR SIERRAS. WHAT A DAY. WHAT A DAY!

“Shutters, Verticals and Venetians offer more privacy over roller and roman blinds so maybe this says something about people living in these regions!” CHRIST, YES! IT DOES! IT REALLY DOES!

He added: “The best selling blind in the whole of the UK is the Roller blind.” GARY, YOU ARE THE MOST INCREDIBLE MAN. THANK YOU! FROM ALL OF US! THANK YOU!

To find your nearest NAME DELETED Blinds stockist visit www.GOOGLE.co.uk or call DIRECTORY ENQUIRIES


Thursday, 24 September 2009

Banksy and Thom Yorke: It's A Twat Trap

This is tiresomely awful. I mean actually wearying.

Dear LiS

This is the biggest load of rubbish I have ever read in my entire life.

yours

A concerned citizen.

Beta Culture [contact@betaculture.org]
Subject: Yorke denies Banksy video
Date: 24 September, 2009 01:14:34 PM BST

For immediate release:

Thom Yorke denies connection to Banksy video.

Media artist OR, IF YOU PREFER, "TWAT", Raymond Salvatore Harmon manipulated major media outlets AMAZING! this past week who reported on his Thom Yorke/Banksy music video mashup OH CHRIST, OFF WE GO AGAIN as an 'official Yorke video.'

In an act that has been labeled as 'art terrorism' BY WHOM? and 'video graffiti' BY WHOM? hundreds of major media sources have reported over the past 3 days that a video piece created by YOU'VE DONE THIS BIT Harmon was in fact the 'official' video from Thom Yorke.

Utilizing a "seizure inducing array of Banksy imagery" *STIFLES EPIC, MOUTH-SPLITTING YAWN* the video presents itself as a music video for Radiohead frontman YOU'VE DONE THIS BIT TOO Thom Yorke's recently released "the Hollow Earth" THEY MEAN "The Hollow Earth" single.

With a simple 300 word press release UNLIKE THIS ONE Harmon was able to generate tens of thousands of hits and extensive coverage in major media outlets such as the BBC, Pitchfork, Rolling Stone, Entertainment Weekly, the Guardian, Dose DOSE!, and a TV spot from the ITN network ITN! BLESS! video feed in as little as 48 hours THAT'S ACTUALLY A REALLY LONG TIME.

The lack of fact-checking and lax in reporting THIS DOESN'T MEAN ANYTHING from major media outlets outlines the weakness of information structures in today's news and
media spectrum OH, PISS OFF YOU TWATS. Harmon's use of such iconic British personalities as Yorke and graffiti artist Banksy (whose identity is still uncertain WHICH MEANS HE'S HARDLY "ICONIC", EH?) as bait has lead to much speculation about truth in reporting NO IT HASN'T, YOU PISS-ANTS.

The images used in the video outline Banksy's commentary on such icons as Mickey Mouse and Ronald Mcdonald THEY MEAN "McDonald", VERY LAX FACT-CHECKING THERE yet incorporate Banksy's work much the way Banksy himself uses corporate imagery as social commentary WOULD ALL POLYTECHNIC OF SOUTH IDIOTSHIRE FIRST YEAR SOCIOLOGY STUDENTS LINE UP HERE, PLEASE.

Harmon describes the piece as a work of his art "ART", both as an experimental video piece and as a commentary on the state of corporate controlled media and news outlets HE IS, LIKE, THE NEW WARHOL OR SOMETHING.

A spoke person THEY MEAN "spokesperson" VERY LAX FACT-CHECKING THERE for Yorke has asked Youtube THEY MEAN "YouTube" VERY LAX FACT-CHECKING THERE to remove the video even though 7 THEY MEAN "seven" VERY LAX FACT-CHECKING THERE other versions of the Yorke audio for the Hollow Earth THEY MEAN "The Hollow Earth" VERY LAX FACT-CHECKING THERE are currently available on the Youtube THEY MEAN "YouTube" VERY LAX FACT-CHECKING THERE site. Many of the media outlets have altered their reporting to say 'unofficial' by simply adding 'un' to the text without removing or altering it in any other way OH CHRIST, REALLY?

Speculation concerning the potential of hidden subliminal content OH YEAH, RIGHT within the film has surrounded the reasoning behind Yorke's decision to have it pulled from Youtube THEY MEAN "YouTube" VERY LAX FACT-CHECKING THERE despite the other videos remaining available.

The Hollow Earth video is still available through most of OH ALRIGHT WE GET THE MESSAGE YOU TEDIOUS LITTLE WORMS

Tuesday, 22 September 2009

Rock Balls: Part 374108

Bands, please! Employ someone who can write when you want something written! It's not hard, is it? There are a million under-worked journalists out there who can knock you up a decent biog in, like, an hour and they only want paying in drink.

Thanks to the treasured LiS operative who winged me this earlier, saying:

This is great, what I particularly appreciate is the contrast between the sonorous prose and the silly, silly band name.

---------- Forwarded message ----------
From: [simon@ilikepress.co.uk]
Date: 2009/9/14
Subject: SEA OF REGRETS - I LIKE TRAINS Pre Order today

Good Afternoon All HE MEANS "afternoon all"

I Like Trains are no longer in mourning AMAZING START!. Though they still remember the past, gone are the black threads which adorned their funeral waltz along YOU'RE LOSING ME HERE with songs of tragedy GREAT!, despair GREAT!, insanity GREAT! and loss GREAT!. Whilst the Leeds quartet made their name charting history’s forgotten heroes OH SHIT, HERE WE GO and injustices, there is only so long you can look backwards before you have to start looking to the future THAT IS LIKE, SO TRUE.

“Some things are better left forgotten, or the weight of the world will crush your bones” THAT IS PROPERLY DEEP, LIKE IT'S FROM A POEM OR SOMETHING

Sea of Regrets, the lead single from the forthcoming as yet untitled 2nd COULDN'T YOU BE BOTHERED TO WRITE "second"? WOULD IT HAVE ASKED TOO MUCH OF YOU TO DO THAT? LP due out early next year is a Limited edition/ Self produced CAPS! AMAZING! release and is available to pre-order from today, check the official BLAHBLAHBLAH.

After a second stage slot at Latitude festival, several European festivals and a tour with Sisters of Mercy OH BLIMEY over the summer, they’re not staying under the radar at home for much longer YES, THERE'S NOTHING LIKE A EUROPEAN TOUR WITH A WASHED UP VERSION OF A GOTH BAND WHO SPLIT UP A QUARTER OF A CENTURY AGO TO REALLY KICK-START A YOUNG BAND'S CAREER.

October’s tour and the first single from their new album – a gorgeous tunefest and a departure from the more staid and sombre HE MEANS BORING earlier recordings – signal a new assault on the country’s ears GREAT, WE WANT OUR EARS TO BE ASSAULTED.

I Like Trains are available for features, HE MEANS "AND" interviews before and during their October tour (dates below), both on the phone and in person. THERE'S NOTHING LIKE PLAYING HARD TO GET, IS THERE?

The new single is released on OH, WOTEVA...

Shock News Just In

A tall "model" thinks being tall is quite good. Having said that, y'know, short people are alright too. I hope Jenay at Yellow Door cried herself to sleep for at least a week after putting her name to this bollocks.

Thanks to the senior LiS operative who sent this in.

This is priceless.

Being tall makes you happier, and the evidence is Lisa Butcher, who goes on to say "On the other hand there’s a huge amount of powerful people in this world that are not tall like Margaret Thatcher, Madonna, Tom Cruise, Nicolas Sarkozy."

Begin forwarded message:

From: Jenay Goultekin [JenayG@yellow-door.com]
Date: 11 September 2009 10:49:18 BDT
Subject: FW: Tall people survey just out - Model Lisa Butcher shares her thoughts!

Hi there,

I thought this might be of interest, a new study in America claims that tall people are happier with their lives… see attached release for further information relating to fashion and supermodel Lisa Butchers SHE MEANS "LISA BUTCHER'S" own thoughts on the subject ATTACHED!

Do get in touch for any tall fashion or Lisa Butcher enquiries FULL STOP HERE, THX

Best wishes

Jenay


































Thursday, 17 September 2009

I Don't Know What This Means: 2

What is a Camden Wedge anyway? Is it something NOBODY CARES about?

Dear Lost in Showbiz
I knew the very moment I signed up for this I was in for years of heartache. And I've not been disappointed. I get one of these emails almost every day, written by some wag who hopes to make the comedy big time as they think someone at Hattrick might read it and whisk them from their PR hell to a writing gig on Have I Got News For You.

Anyway, all emails from Camden Wedge now go directly to my junk mail box, but I thought I'd share the latest one with you as an example of how to irritate those who've signed up to your scheme so much that they have actively and decisively cut their Wedge cards in two.

Cheers, AN IMPORTANT MEDIA PERSON

FROM: Camden Town [Mail@turninglondonon.com]
Subject: Is it a Wedge? Is it a plane?

Tuesday I've got Monday on my mind... EH?

All this talk of me getting back into a routine of NOBODY CARES Monday newsletters has gone to hell in a hand basket already hasn't it NOBODY CARES? No sooner had I spouted off about the merits of a regular newsletter NOBODY CARES, something that you can all rely on in this mixed up, muddled up, crazy world NOBODY CARES and then BAM! My crazy left ear goes all mental again NOBODY CARES and makes the act of standing worthy of medals NOBODY CARES. So here I am, late but no doubt more entertaining NOBODY CARES than ever (I improve each day, best remember that) NOBODY CARES, BEST REMEMBER THAT.

There are some tasty and soothing Wedge Card deals on offer this week to help comfort us into the fact that there is no Indian Summer, and that we've skipped out the rest of Autumn too, and gone straight smack into the cold, dark and rather overdone winter GET TO THE POINT. Seriously, winter's like that drunk guy at the pub OH PLEASE DON’T DO THIS YOU ARSE with one story that he can't remember who he's told it to, so you hear it about a thousand times before you and your friends “FRIENDS” inevitably do a runner from pub while he's gone to the loo (if you ARE that guy, sorry we totally couldn't find you THIS BIT IS RUBBISH when we went to leave. Sorry.)

So steel yourself and delve into the world of Wedge NOBODY CARES with some tasty delights to help distract you from the weather. Like a bunch of keys NOBODY CARES being jangled in front of a baby NOBODY CARES. Think of me like that. Ahead of a major website overhaul NOBODY CARES we have upgraded your Wedge experience NOBODY CARES so that each Wedge Card offer has it's own page NOBODY CARES and it's now much easier to navigate around NOBODY CARES. Hooray I hear you cry from across Camden Town, and OH CHRIST ALRIGHT YOU CAN STOP NOW.

Wednesday, 16 September 2009

My Rock Biog Hell: Alita's Purse

Are they called Alita's Purse? Oh, I can't remember, anyway, who cares? A biog like this is going to turn off way more people than will ever listen to the band. Why do people do it? Why didn't someone go, 'You can't send this out as your biog, it's laughably bad! It's one ball-aching cliche after another. Haven't you got even one tiny slice of imagination? Oh, hang on, apparently it doesn't matter because your HARD ROCKING and DEDICATED and stuff. My mistake!'

Thanks to the senior LiS operative that sent me this.


From: Bill Cummings
Date: 2009/9/10
Subject: Alita’s Curse release their new download single ‘BLAH’ on BLAHBLAH
To: Alita's Curse Info [alitascurse@live.co.uk]
Hello there,

I'd like to introduce you (if you haven't heard of them before GOOD START!) to a new rock band from London I'm working with called Alita's Curse BAD NAME. They have a new download single AMAZING! out BLAH. If you'd like a hard copy to review it can be arranged because hey HE MEANS "THEY" are currently being sent out to many radio and press outlets REALLY? THIS BAND MUST BE GOOD IF THEY'RE SPAMMING, LIKE, THE FLY WITH THEIR STUFF. You can hear the single and other tracks on their BORING BLOG or alternatively if you'd like the download to review off there's a yousend BORING!. Press release below, and artwork attached. We welcome all features, reviews, airplay and interviews YES, I'M SURE...

cheers

“Delicious – designed to turn a crowd into a sea of flailing limbs NICE. Fans of rock with a twist NICER should be feasting NICEST on it!”

8/10 Rock Pulse Zine THE MIGHTY ROCK PULSE ZINE HAVE SPOKEN PEOPLE! LISTEN UP!


Hard rocking HARD ROCKING! London based four piece Alita’s Curse release their new single ‘BLAH’ as a download only BAD LUCK release through BLAH on BLAH. It’s backed up by explosive EXPLOSIVE! LIKE AN EXPLOSION! live track ‘BLAH’, which will be available completely FREE via BLAH on the same date.

Alita’s Curse burst CLICHE ALERT onto the London scene CLICHE ALERT n 2009 with a sound that’s steeped CLICHE ALERT in the hard-edged power CLICHE ALERT of their addictive CLICHE ALERT rock songs. Their new single ‘BLAH melds CLICHE ALERT the insatiable melodies MEANINGLESS CLICHE ALERT of Guns and Roses HE MEANS GUNS N' ROSES with the explosive CLICHE ALERT, unstoppable CLICHE ALERT old school rock CLICHE ALERT of early Black Sabbath CLICHE ALERT, but crucially CLICHE ALERT it’s shot through CLICHE ALERT with their own experiences CLICHE ALERT of relationships HE MEANS THEY GOT DUMPED ONCE in the modern world and this is what makes them stand out CLICHE ALERT from the crowd. It’s a sound forged on hard work CLICHE ALERT, constant gigging CLICHE ALERT and a complete conviction CLICHE ALERT in everything they do.


In early 2009 they played their debut live show in front of a 700 strong crowd at Camden’s Dingwalls, and instantly CLICHE ALERT turned the mob CLICHE ALERT into a pit of fans gagging for more BULLSHIT CLICHE ALERT. Immediately following this with a headline show at IBAR "NEVER HEARD OF IT": THE WORLD, they turned in a bigger crowd than signed support act Imperial Vipers BIGGER THAN THE VIPERS' CROWD? BUT THEY'RE SIGNED? THAT'S AMAZING. The band were then offered a headline gig at Monto Water Rats in June when the venue’s promoter reacted to the buzz the Curse have created since the debut gig in April THIS BIT NEEDS A LOT OF WORK. This comes after another headline slot at the famous Purple Turtle "NEVER HEARD OF IT": THE WORLD in Camden on May 24th. Look out for more live dates this winter in support of their new single.


Earlier this year their powerhouse sound CLICHE ALERT caught the ear CLICHE ALERT of TV production giants BLAHBLAH who contacted Alita’s Curse to film them performing for a new multi million dollar BLAH Channel show titled “BLAH BLAH BLAH” filmed at Kentish Town’s HMV Forum. The show will be broadcast worldwide in BLAH.

Since then they’ve gained GAINED! radio play with Totalrock radio who also offered the band a festival slot AMAZING!, Xfm on John Kennedy’s Xposure show, and most prominently Ian Camfield's The Rock Show with debut release "BLAH" - Alita’s Curse are becoming a force CLICHE ALERT to be reckoned with CLICHE ALERT. The band will continue recording their debut album “BLAH BLAH” throughout the remainder of 2009 with more single releases to come between now and 2010.

ALITA’S CURSE

BLOKE 1 – vocals/guitar
BLOKE 2 – guitar
BLOKE 3 – bass
BLOKE 99 – drums

Thursday, 10 September 2009

80s Crapfest PR Disaster

This heavily annotated email has just arrived from an LiS reader situated in the hot-seat of a hugely popular national newspaper. No cheery message either, they just went straight into it. Clearly a very busy person. Memo to PRs, sometimes it's worse when journalists do read your press release rather than when, as is more usual, they delete it without even glancing at the subject line as soon as it enters their inbox.

To: Sarah Priddis [sarah@mason-williams.com]
Subject: Interview opportunity - 80's brands SHE MEANS "80s" AND "BANDS"

Interview Opportunities with 80’s SHE MEANS "80s" chart toppers

80’s SHE MEANS "80s" chart toppers headline at Pub in the Park
Paul Young, T’Pau, ABC and Go West

What Pub in the Park
Where Greenwich Park, London

80’s ROGUE APOSTROPHE ALERT! fever is raging WHERE? and leading the call WHAT CALL? is Pub in the Park. London’s brand new festival of all things pub, ROGUE COMMA ALERT has put together the ultimate 80’s ROGUE APOSTROPHE ALERT revival night with some of the biggest names YOU MEAN U2, MADONNA AND PRINCE ARE PLAYING? from the much beloved BY WHOM? decade.

Taking place in Greenwich Park from 18-20 September, Pub in the Park is an exciting “EXCITING”! new three-day event, which celebrates an essential and unique “UNIQUE”! part of our culture - The Great British Pub. OH GET LOST.

Saturday 19 September at Pub in the Park will bring together the stars of the 80’s SHE MEANS “80s” – Go West, Paul Young, ABC and T’Pau *SAD FACE*

INTERVIEW OPPORTUNITIES
Paul Young- Perhaps one of the biggest names of the 80’s JESUS, JUST READ A GRAMMAR BOOK was Paul Young. Paul Young famously MARVIN GAYE SANG IT MORE A LITTLE MORE FAMOUSLY, DIDN'T HE sang 'Wherever I lay my hat’, a track that became the soundtrack to the summer of 1983 and kept the No. 1 position for three weeks WAS SUMMER 1983 ONLY THREE WEEKS LONG? This was the first of fourteen SHE MEANS “14” British Top 40 singles. 16 SHE MEANS “Sixteen” years later, he’s set to steal the show and make 2009 his summer all over again! NO HE'S NOT. AND IT'S NOT SUMMER, IT'S AUTUMN.

ABC- With the release of ‘Look of Love; The very best of ABC’ ABC celebrate their return to the recording studio IF IT'S A BEST-OF, IS IT REALLY A RETURN TO THE RECORDING STUDIO? with just two UK appearances this summer – Pub in the Park in Greenwich will be a much anticipated show BY WHOM? a band much praised in the 80’s CHRIST and still loved today.

Go West - Pop Duo Go West will lead the bill DOES THIS MEAN OPEN OR HEADLINE? Formed in 1982 by Peter Cox, Go West are best known for the smash hits, We Close Our Eyes and The King of Wishful Thinking. They continue to thrill crowds *SAYS NOTHING* at gigs all over the world WHERE?, and are currently writing more new material JESUS, THAT IS BAD NEWS – see it first I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT AT ALL, THANK YOU along with all your favourites *SAYS NOTHING AGAIN* at Pub in the Park.

Carol Decker / T’Pau- Led by Carol Decker YES, WE GUESSED, T’Pau has a string of top 40 hits BUT YOU CAN'T REMEMBER ANY OF THEIR NAMES, CAN YOU? in the late 80s in both the UK and the US following success on a Pepe Jeans ad that shot them to fame in the States THIS SENTENCE NEEDS A RE-WRITE. Carol hit the screens again last year as part of the ‘Here & Now’ 80s tour and is bring the EH? nostalgia of that brilliant decade THE DECADE WAS NOT NOSTALGIC AT THE TIME, WAS IT? SO IT WOULD BE NOSTALGIA FOR THAT BRILLIANT DECADE, WHICH WASN'T BRILLIANT. AND IF ALL THE OTHER ACTS ARE BRINGING THE NOSTALGIA, TOO, WHAT'S HER USP? to Pub in the Park in September.

The Pub in the Park 80s night will be kick started by Two Choices WHO?. Hailed as the best new indie rock band of 2009 at the Unsigned Awards THE WHAT?, Two Choices are no strangers to playing the pub scene NO, THEY'RE PROBABLY NOT and have been tipped for great things BY WHOM? Not forgetting that they come from legendary stock – this is Roger Daltrey’s son’s band OH, THEY’LL BE GOOD THEN.

Pub in the Park is everything we love about the Great British Pub celebrated in the stunning surroundings of Greenwich Park NOW, THE ONE THING I LOVE ABOUT MY GREAT BRITISH PUB IS THE CERTAINTY THAT I WILL NEVER HEAR PAUL YOUNG, GO WEST, ABC OR T'PAU THERE, SO THIS IS PLAINLY A LIE.

Sarah Priddis
Account Director

Friday, 4 September 2009

I Want To Break Free Of This Rubbish

The album's called Absolute Greatest. The press release has been filed under Absolute Bollocks. Queen are a terrible band, but even I think they deserve better than this.

Thanks to an LiS reader with a taste for olives for sending it in.

From: "O'Brien, Richard" [OBrienR@emigroup.com]
Date: 3 September 2009 10:35:03 BST
Subject: NEWS FROM EMI: Queen - Absolute Greatest hits package released November 9

QUEEN – ABSOLUTE GREATEST

20 Years of Biggest of Queen’s Biggest Hits - In music (and pictures & live performances) Four CD & Vinyl/Compact & Luxury Formats. 2 Digital formats.

Queen. Someone ought to erect a monument to them GREAT START! Think about it: they’ve ruled their game longer than many of our most famous leaders STARTING TO WOBBLE ALREADY, their words can be repeated by many more than can recite our most celebrated writers THIS IS GETTING UGLY NOW, and despite more than three generations passing since they first blasted their way into our consciences HE MEANS CONSCIOUSNESS, they’re just as omnipresent today as they ever were OH DEAR ME, THIS IS BAD. Just for starters (and more to follow):

- Queen are Britain’s favourite band: the BPI BLAHBLAHBLAH 50 years ago.

- Queen are the most BLAHBLAHBLAH 300 million records sold.

And let’s not forget Queen’s unmatched global dominance as live artists HE’S BEEN DEAD FOR 18 YEARS. There’s not a continent in the world Queen’s legendary tours haven’t touched down in, in many cases arriving ahead of anyone else: think South America, Mexico, the Eastern Bloc. AND SOUTH AFRICA! YOU FORGOT THAT ONE! And who but the wisest would know that even somewhere down there in the desert of Antarcticasits YOU WHAT? a permanent plaque bearing Queen’s name HAVE ANOTHER GO AT THIS ONE.

- Always ready to try something new, Queen brokerock YOU MEAN “BROKE ROCK” convention and created a stage musical THAT’S NOT “BREAKING CONVENTION” IT’S CALLED WALLET-EMPTYING BRAND BUILDING, We Will Rock You, and some eight years on it still sells out nightly in Londonand HE MEANS “LONDON AND” just recently their all-time worldwide audience crossed over the 10 million mark.

Beyond that, Queen continue to sell out concerts, are ready to lend their celebrity power unreservedly when they see just causes – such as Nelson Mandela’s 46664 campaign *SAYS NOTHING*; have quietly collected and distributed over $15 million dollars through their own charity the Mercury Phoenix Trust - fighting AIDS worldwide, and most telling of all, continue to be held in the highest esteem by the lead runners in today’s Rock Pack I LOVE ALL THE LEADING RUNNERS IN TODAY'S ROCK PACK, DON'T YOU? who cite the band’s influence over them in their founding years.

Let’s face it: few other acts have so embedded themselves into our lives that we can’t imagine a time when Queen weren’t around, or can imagine such a time in the future. THIS BIT IS BALLS.

So what is it about Queen that makes it all so? SO WHAT?

You have to look no further than the BLAHBLAH all comes from.

Charting over 21 years of making people rock OUCH!, feel OUCH!, sense MAKING PEOPLE SENSE? and celebrate, Absolute Greatest reminds us just what fine, and smart, rock and pop writers and musicians Messrs "MESSRS" AMAZING! Deacon, May, Mercury and Taylor were (are SAD FACE). Also that they had a sense of humour, which is perhaps another thing that made them so accessible. ONE OF THE ALL-TIME BAD SENTENCES OF ALL-TIME THERE.

The earliest hit presented here, Seven Seas of Rhye (1974) reminds us of those days when we wondered about why they had chosen the name Queen PERHAPS ONE OF THEM WAS A HOMOSEXUAL?, whether they really were just an arrogant bunch pushing their luck in Zandra Rhodes frocks and black nail varnish AMAZING, or whether they really were the future of Progressive Rock? KILL ME NOW To make us further wonder, they didn’t stop there - they went on to defiantly title their next single Killer Queen. OH CHRIST PLEASE DON’T GO THROUGH ALL OF THEM.

Then they flashed the wit and made us all smile and feel good at the same time with those jaunty ditties JAUNTY DITTIES! like Crazy Little Thing Called Love, Radio Ga Ga, and I Want To Break Free. And hell, who would have thought that Roger Taylor would look so fetching in that pre-Britney schoolgirl outfit? KILL ME AGAIN. HARDER THIS TIME.

And if you wanted a mass celebration, who better than Queen, who could bond tens of thousands of total strangers and get them chanting or arm-waving in unison to May’s terse TERSE? TERSE? We Will Rock You or Mercury’s more emotionally charged We Are The Champions.

They could at the drop of a hat be romantic, as Deacon proved with You’re My Best Friend, or friends to heartbreak, as we saw in Mercury’s Somebody to Love or May’s Who Wants to Live Forever.

Queen provided a mood and backdrop for every time and every occasion, and were often at their best when they went for almost breath-taking high drama: aided by David Bowie they gave us the brooding heart pounding rhythms of Under Pressure, the operatically ballistic THAT’S “OPERATICALLY BALLISTIC”, PEOPLE! Bohemian Rhapsody, and perhaps the ultimate curtain-call rock song, The Show Must Go On.

A joyous celebration of Queen’s - and many of our own - greatest BLAH this collection.

In a limited-edition BLAH performances.

OK - so it should not be expected we will see the likenesses of Queen carved into Mount Rushmore PERHAPS IF THEY WERE AMERICAN. OR POLITICIANS or find their way to a Trafalgar Square plinth (now there’s an AWFUL idea), so for the moment let’s accept that Absolute Greatest will serve as a terrific tribute to a monumental music YOU MEAN MUSICAL history. Ah, these are (indeed) the days of our lives. AMAZING FINISH – TAKE REST OF DAY OFF!

Thursday, 3 September 2009

Dead Man Walker-ing

There's something unutterably sad about this. Personally, I couldn't give a monkey's about Ian Walker. I don't know him, don't care about him, certainly don't wish him any ill will. But even I - as someone who cares not one jot about football - knows there's no such team as "Leicestershire". Even the quickest, most I'm-on-my-way-out-the-door-to-M&S-but-quickly-fire-up-Wikipedia glance at the internet would have told Sue at "Celebagents" that the "Celeb" she's "agent" for played for Leicester City. On the upside, I love the mystery of why Walker's in the UK "for a while". Court appearance? Visitation rights? Buy-to-let empire going tits up? Poorly nana? And I have to admit I love Sue's use of "e mail", like it's still 1998 and everyone says, "Oh, I love the information superhighway! I've just seen this amazing website with a dancing baby! It's hilarious! You can see it at h,t,t,p, all lower case, yes, um, is it a slash or a colon after that? Uhm, well..."

Thanks to the seasoned LiS operative situated in a city with a mighty castle for this beauty.

Tuesday, 1 September 2009

Astrology! Astronomy! What's The Difference?

Well, according to someone who is, I read, Head of Publicity at Carlton Publishing Group, not very much at all. Which is a shame as, to be honest, they're actually quite different. And suggesting your client is into one rather than another completely undercuts everything he has to say. And makes him - and you - sound ridiculous. So that's a shame.

Thanks to an LiS General situated in a tall glass building for this.


I think this person might find that Brian May is, in fact, an astronomer - with a PhD in astro physics. An astrologer has no qualifications whatsoever and simply makes stuff up about people (depending on what day they were born, not that it's important when they were born as, like I said, they've made it all up anyway).

But thanks for the heads-up.

From: A person who has asked, politely, for their name to be removed
Subject: BRIAN MAY to launch his astrology book, BANG!, on 5th September

Everyone knows Brian May for being the lead guitarist in the legendary rock band QUEEN, but not everyone knows he is also an expert in astrology and has written a book all about it - BANG!

On 5th September award winning Bookstore, Torbay Bookshop, will be launching the new paperback edition of the BANG! with Brian May and the two other authors Chris Lintott and Sir Patrick Moore signing copies of the book for the public.

At least 500 people are expected to come and see the legendary rock star, now converted to academic GREAT SENTENCE, IN FACT, THAT'S THE KIND OF SENTENCE ONLY A HEAD OF PUBLICITY COULD REALLY BE EXPECTED TO COME UP WITH! All three authors will be available, this one time only, for press interviews.

--
A Person Who Once Was
Head of Publicity
Carlton Publishing Group
20 Mortimer Street
London W1T 3JW

Friday, 28 August 2009

Amaze PR, Home Of The Amazing Balls Up

The ridiculousness of this actually makes my head spin. Thanks to the LiS reader situated a long way away on the edge of a desert for sending this in between spa treatments. Click on the image and read at your leisure. If I worked at Amaze PR I'd feel as if I'd really been put In My Place, but A Rush Of Blood To The Head like this one could, I suppose, Fix You in the end. So Viva La Vida!

Thursday, 27 August 2009

The Worst PR Idea Of All Time?

"A conga line around Shoreditch"? Are you sure you really want to send that idea out into the world? Didn't your mind just fill with horror when you wrote those words down? This just in from a senior LiS operative situated in the field.

EDIT: I've removed the name of the PR person as they swear blind the "conga line around Shoreditch" wasn't their idea. It is still a godawful piece of "pr".

Dear PR PERSON,what does any of this actually mean? Any of it?

Begin forwarded message:
From: PR PERSON
Date: 20 August 2009
Subject: INVITATION: XO Man 'NOTHIN' TO LAUNCH' Friday 21st Aug

Hi INTERNET PERSON
I'd like to personally invite you to XO Man's I DON'T KNOW WHO THAT IS show this Friday at Sosho Bar. As the reigning Hugo Urban Rules champion I DON'T KNOW WHAT THAT IS he's been tipped for big things BY WHO? and this Nothin' to Launch party will be a marked occasion in his career WHAT DOES THAT MEAN? I have a good number of important sites coming down SURE and it would be great to have INTERNET PERSON there too and possibly film IE, PLUG as there will be a host of fun spectacles (LIKE TIMMY MALLET HAD) including a conga line around Shoreditch IT'S OFFICIAL - THE WORST PR IDEA EVAH REVEALED and statue people within the venue *SAYS NOTHING*. It's all in a bid to represent the XO Man brand, which is off the cuff, feel good and pretty wacky KILL ME NOW. In the meantime, take a look at XO Man's humorous promotion video REVIVE ME, THEN KILL ME ALL OVER AGAIN. He's done several festivals over the summer. The video covers his performance at The Big Chill Festival and gives a little insight IT DOESN'T into his quirky sens SHE MEANS SENSE of humour whilst promoting his forthcoming show a must watch WHAT DOES THAT MEAN? Would you like a media pass plus one for Friday? NOT IN A MILLION YEARS.

Best, A PR PERSON

Tuesday, 18 August 2009

What The World Needs Now Is Blogs, More Blogs

Have you spent much time recently thinking, 'You know what, I can't get enough of blogs, I wish there were more. I wish, particularly, that there was one that did fashion and music and entertainment all in one place so I didn't have to do a simple mouse-click to take me, almost instantly, to the other blog I used to read about fashion and music and entertainment on. That is, until I stopped looking at blogs and moved wholesale onto Twitter, like, six months ago."

Now, I'm all for a spot of enterprise, but, really, launching a blog? Now? Who cares? You know what people don't need? A blog that writes about "everything" from "music to movies, fashion, politics, arts and gossip". Why would I trust you on all those topics?

Surely, the whole point of blogs is you go to your favourite political one, then your favourite gossip one, then your favourite music one ETC because you like the individual voices and passions of those involved. If I wanted a "one-stop shop" I'd buy a newspaper.

And I HATE that weak "journalistic" spasm of going - Blahblahblah intro, Welcome to blahblahblah! It is the shittest thing ever and, for that reason alone, I'm out.

Thanks to the LiS operative situated in a fashionable E-number postcode who sent me this, noting (rather wryly, I thought):

"This looks good"


Begin forwarded message:
From: Archna Sawjani
Date: 17 August 2009 14:39:11 BST
Subject: Welcome to Punchbowlblog.com

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE UK LIFESTYLE BLOG "PUNCHBOWLBLOG"

Music journalist Archna Sawjani, TV Producer Susan Younis and marketing expert Emmanuel Ezugwu deliver a new lifestyle blog that will not only offer exclusive content and news, but provide works from influential journalists worldwide. GREAT! WHERE DO I SIGN?

Blogs have become the leading force in news and beyond I LOVE THIS BIT - IT'S LIKE READING A NEWS STORY FROM 2003! Every day, people visit their favourite blogs for a variety of information - from fashion to the culinary arts AMAZING. However, in the world of entertainment blogs, the UK is frequently underrepresented NO IT ISN'T. Welcome to Punchbowlblog.com. AAAARRGGHHH.

PunchbowlBlog comes from the diverse minds of Susan Younis and Archna Sawjani, who have both worked in the UK media for several years WHICH MEANS YOU WOULD HAVE THOUGHT THEY'D HAVE REALISED THE BLOG-GAME IS UP, BUT NO. After fostering a deep understanding of the blog world and its audiences HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!, as well as a strong clientele, the two teamed up with former marketing co-ordinator for Stella McCartney, Emmanuel Ezugwu to create a blog that will offer everything entertainment aficionados, music and fashion enthusiasts’ desire GOOD LUCK WITH THIS.

From multi-genre mainstream and underground music to movies, fashion, politics, arts and gossip, PunchbowlBlog will be a one-stop shop for news from the UK perspective. The blog will also feature pieces from noted journalists YEAH, as well as traditional blog content including multimedia VIDEO! AMAZING!

"I use a variety of blogs daily for work purposes, but I noticed that the majority of respectable blogs were American," explains Younis THIS BIT IS BULLSHIT. "There didn't seem to be any reliable UK based mainstream blog sites ALSO BULLSHIT. So we decided to set up PunchbowlBlog - a blog that is both trend setting & delivers worldwide exclusives in music & showbiz." GOOD LUCK WITH THIS TOO.

"There are so many blogs on the web skewed toward specific audiences," continues Sawjani YES, THAT'S THE POINT OF THEM. "However, PunchbowlBlog will offer a variety of information, as well as a sharp journalist perspective RIGHT. Being a writer for several years, it's important to me that we maintain journalistic integrity within a blog setting." HAHAHAHAHA! AMAZING!

“The thing that was most important to me when getting involved in this exciting new project was being able to bridge the gap between a variety of genre’s as no one culture defines us,” says Ezugwu. YAWNARAMA.

“We write about things that interest us and having worked with Archna and Susan, I jumped at the opportunity to get involved”. Susan Younis is a Television producer at MTV. After taking on an internship at MTV in Los Angeles, she returned to London and secured a full-time job with MTV UK onTRL. GREAT.

TEDIOUS BIT ALERT: Now working on MTV BASE as a producer / director, Younis has worked on shows ranging from "The Lick", "MTV's Greatest Album Ever" and "Backstage at the MTV Europe Music Awards". She has interviewed the elite of the music and entertainment world.

Archna Sawjani began her career in journalism younger than most, when she took an assignment with RWD Magazine that ultimately began her career of writing I HOPE TO GOD SHE DIDN'T WRITE THIS SENTENCE. Archna has interviewed some of the most prolific artists worldwide OR THIS ONE. Her work can be found in a wide variety of publications including; The Guardian, The London Paper, Daily Mirror, OK Magazine, New Magazine and The Sun amongst others OR THIS ONE. When her ear isn’t to the streets and writing about it, she is a part-time PR maven working wide SHE MEANS "WITH" a wide variety of affluent brands OR, INDEED, THIS ONE.

Emmanuel Ezugwu started interning at leading London radio station, Choice FM before he started writing for RWD Magazine where he remains a staff writer. Having scribed for a number of publications including, The Guardian, and various “woman’s weeklies“, he began his move into fashion. As well as styling celebrity shoots, he has worked his pr ARCHNA WAS A "PR" WHY IS EMMANUEL ONLY A "pr"? and marketing skills for companies like OH CHRIST WOTEVA.

Sunday, 16 August 2009

Pooper Trouper

Here is some next-level PR genius. Who could fail to be impressed by this?

Dear LiS. I have absolutely no f***ing idea what this is about.

---------- Forwarded message ----------
From: xo kaytea [kaytea@xopublicity.com]
Date: Fri, Aug 14, 2009 at 1:24 AM
Subject: Wondering why xo sent a POOP BAG with NAME DELETED "TITLE DELETED"

Soooooooo ***** have you figured out why I sent you a poop bag? IS IT BECAUSE YOUR RECORD AND YOUR PR "CAMPAIGN" IS SHIT?

It’s so you can get rid of crap AND save all your time for the disc you got …. NAME DELETED "TITLE DELETED"

http://www.namedeleted.com/(grab bio, pics, whole disc here)

Thoughts? It drops oct 28th.

Not feeling like expatiating today! WHAT ARE YOU ON ABOUT NOW?

xo-kaytea
www.xopublicity.com
http://xopublicity.blogspot.com/
http://twitter.com/xopublicity
(503) 281.xoxo office
(503) 539.7691 mobile
kaytea@xopublicity.com

Tuesday, 4 August 2009

Net Result? Failure.

This just in from a newly-minted LiS operative situated in a high-rise somewhere agreeable.

Here is a fantastic story about net curtains that can laugh, music hall humour and how a bit of nylon can halt the British "crimewave". I will be using it as a double page spread and have already sold versions of it to the Daily Mail, Vogue and The LA Times. Naturally, I took this poor PR wonk up on the offer to speak to someone in more detail about it.

Brazen, indeed.

Yours,

A Grateful and Overworked Hack Whose Job is Made Easier by the Receipt of Such Crap

----- Forwarded Message
FROM: emmat@brazenpr.com
Subject: Net curtains lead fight back against burglars - British public respond to national burglary increase

Hi there,

Thought I would whizz this quirky "QUIRKY" news story past you...

I have pasted a press release about how net curtains are helping prevent burglaries below. OH BRILLIANT, THANKS!

Please let me know if you need more info or would like to chat to anyone in more detail.

I hope it is of interest

Kind regards

Emma

BRITS RETURN TO NET CURTAINS TO STOP BURGLARS - BRITISH PUBLIC RESPOND TO NATIONAL BURGLARY INCREASE

BRITS are fighting back to beat the burglars. Forget barbed wire or guard dogs, the latest low-tech safety device is a pair of net curtains. AMAZING START - KEEP GOING!

The Conservative Party has reported an increase in domestic burglaries for the first time in six years. This coincides with an increase in sales of net curtains and Dr. Beckmann’s Net Curtain Whitener over the last 12 months. DOESN'T THIS MEAN THAT NET CURTAINS MAKE BURGLARY MORE LIKELY?

It seems that the streets which house the most ‘Net Curtain Nellies’ (people with a propensity for nosying on neighbours from behind their net curtains) are some of the safest in the UK, claims laundry care specialist Dr. Beckmann and Rightmove, the UK’s most popular property website. UTTER BOLLOCKS - I LIKE IT!

The net curtain may not be the must-have Noughties domestic fashion accessory and has long been the butt of music hall jokes I LOVE MUSIC HALL, DON'T YOU? I'M SO GLAD THEY DIDN'T ALL SHUT DOWN HALF A CENTURY AGO but it seems the old fashioned British institution may now be having the last laugh.

Miles Shipside, commercial director at Rightmove said: “I AM A BORING MAN.”

Steven Simpson, spokesman for Dr. Beckmann, said: “I AM ALSO A BORING MAN."

Net curtain whitener is a wash in wash out product that works in the washing machine or by hand. The scientifically advanced formulation COME ON HOUSEWIVES, GET WITH IT! treats your nets with a long lasting and unbeatable finish restoring your nets to their original super whiteness. DEAR EMMA, DO YOU WANT TO KILL YOURSELF YET?

- ENDS -

For further information, images or samples please contact the Dr. Beckmann Press Office Team at Brazen. Katie Medd, Emma Trimble or Louise Jacobson

Stupid Things Idiots In Bad Bands Say

Wednesday, 29 July 2009

All Day Shit-Fest

I know Little Chef is on the bones of its arse, but surely they can do better than the following poorly-written twaddle? Thanks to the LiS operative who sent me this:

Hello LiS. This release, despite its brevity, features three - THREE! - uses of the most teeth-gratingly overused word in PR, 'iconic'. Seemingly everything in marketing is iconic - from a brand of marzipan to Sue bloody Pollard and it does my nut. I was also wondering how this customer "up-roar" manifested itself, only I never recall seeing, or hearing, or reading, or picking up on any of it, anywhere, at anytime, ever? They wouldn't be lying to us, would they? Did I fall asleep and miss all the enraged sales reps pulling their knackered Sierras into Little Chef car parks and dancing around a flaming pyre of black cherry pancakes? Hang on, is that horseshit I can smell?

---------- Forwarded message ----------
From: Sabina Miller [sabina_miller@fmgirl.com]
Date: 2009/7/24
Subject: LITTLE CHEF 'FAT CHARLIE' LOGO TO LOOK LIKE HESTON BLUMENTHAL - CHEFS COAT, GLASSES ADDED

Goodafternoon SHE MEANS "GOOD AFTERNOON",
Little Chef’s Fat Chef is being altered to look like Celebrity Chef Heston Blumenthal. Please see info below.
Regards,
Sabina

****

LITTLE CHEF ’FAT CHARLIE’ LOGO TO LOOK LIKE HESTON BLUMENTHAL - CHEFS COAT, GLASSES ADDED

Little Chef’s iconic ’Fat Chef’ is to be given a makeover making him look identical to Celebrity Chef Heston Blumenthal. IDENTICAL? REALLY? IN EVERY WAY?

The chubby chef is being given a proper ’Chef’s jacket’ YOU SAID IT WAS A "CHEFS COAT" A MINUTE AGO, MAKE YOUR MIND UP and will be given glasses. BRILLIANT.

Next week the Heston Blumenthal menu is being rolled out to Little Chef’s SHE MEANS "LITTLE CHEFS" in York and Kettering.

As Little Chef pins it’s SHE MEANS "ITS" future of SHE MEANS "ON" Heston’s new menu, the iconic ’Fat Chef’ will reflect that.

The iconic chef will remain chubby however, after customers revolted IT'S TRUE, LITTLE CHEF'S CUSTOMERS ARE REVOLTING when plans to slim down ’Fat Charlie’ caused up-roar DOES THIS MEAN THEY REVOLTED BECAUSE OF THE UP-ROAR?

For further information, please reply to Sabina Miller

Thursday, 23 July 2009

Tray's Jesus!

I realise that a PR person's reason for existence is to make up utter crap about products that no one actually cares for, but surely there are limits? I mean, even PRs need to keep at least one jaundiced eye on their self-respect, no? Ermmm, well...


Hello LiS. I've just been sent this, the first paragraph is just epic!

From: Simone Plackett [mailto:s.plackett@roman-showers.com]
Sent: 22 July 2009 16:21
Subject: Roman Press Release- To Infinity and Beyond

To Infinity and Beyond

Roman, the UK’s leading shower designer and manufacturer announces a massive MASSIVE! break through in tray technology YOWSA! with the launch of their Infinity range of shower trays. The installation of shower trays will never be the same again NOT NEVER, EVER AGAIN! with this ultra minimalist level access tray.

The Infinity Tray is designed to seamlessly blend into the bathroom flooring to offer complete level access without the need to step up into the enclosure. The Infinity Tray is manufactured from Roman Stone, a solid surface material which is self-reinforcing ensuring the tray remains strong, smooth and durable. The self-reinforcing nature enables the tray to be laid directly down to joist I AM GETTING AROUSED NOW, so that once the floor tiles are laid it creates level access into the showering area. For those that are still reluctant to install a wetroom this level access tray completely simulates the wetroom experience whilst offering the reassurance of a tray - it is an exceptionally versatile product.

The unique and flawless styling of the Infinity Tray has been designed with a single angle flow to waste to maximise flow rating I DON'T THINK ANYONE ACTUALLY KNOWS WHAT THIS BIT MEANS, SORRY. The waste is suitable for power shower systems and carries away an exceptionally high flow rate OR THIS BIT, SOZ. This exclusive chic look is completed with a stylish load bearing solid surface waste cover, whilst still providing access to the waste for cleaning. The contemporary white finish ensures the Infinity Tray complements all bathroom fittings

Roman’s key ranges are aimed at BORING BORING BORING or ability.

David Osborne, Managing Director at Roman, commented: “I AM, ACTUALLY, QUITE TEDIOUS.”

Please do not hesitate to contact me if there is anything I can help with.

Kind Regards,

Simone Plackett
Senior PR Executive
Roman Ltd
www.roman-showers.com

Tuesday, 21 July 2009

The PR Fight Back Is On

This just in from a long term reader and contributor to LiS. I thought it was time to show the other side, mainly as those no-marks as Get Over It "Daily" never actually managed to post one single item.

So, PRs, if you want to offload some of your pain too - you know where to come.


Dear LiS, as a regular reader and flack by trade, I pride myself in not spamming time-pressed hacks by blindly emailing them press releases they won't be interested in. That said, I'm still quite junior and don't know every journo in the country so if I'm pitching a story in an area new to me (especially at national level) then I'll often do a quick ring-round first to see if it might be of interest before emailing anything over.

Last week I was pitching an environmentally-focused story, so was calling various editors to see if it might float their boat. I thought I'd recount one conversation I had, just to show you how thankless life the other side of the fence can be:

Fairly well-known enviro hack: Hello?

Me: Is that Mr Hack?

FWKEH: Yes.

Me: Hi it's MATEY calling from BLAHBLAH, I understand you're the environment editor for The Newspaper.

FWKEH: What makes you understand that?

Me: Urmm, well, I did some research into people who write about environmental stories and your name came up.

FWKEH: I don't write for The Newspaper any more.

Me: Oh, sorry. Do you still cover environmental stories? I looked you up on MediaDisk and it said you do.

FWKEH: You clearly don't know the first thing about me.

Me: Right. My mistake.

FWKEH: I've had a PRODUCT out recently, and I contribute to The Other Newspaper. If you don't know that then you don't know anything.

Me: I'm really very sorry for wasting your time.

FWKEH: So you should be. [HANGS UP].

I'd just like to apologise to Mr Hack once again. I'm not a specialist in environmental PR, and I'll be honest, I didn't know who he was. However, it's such a shame when people can't see that you're just trying to do your job. Sad face.

Thursday, 16 July 2009

A Masterclass In Tediousness

This just in from a seniour LiS reporter situated in a smart part of a smart city.

A few questions. Why are you sending me this stream of blank consciousness about your clients? Is there any news here or just that they are still vacant, vacuous climbers stuck in the foothills of Mount Showbiz?

----- Forwarded message -----
"Tim Beaumont" [tim@lizmatthewspr.com]
Subject *** News Alert from Liz Matthews PR

SOME EXCITING NEWS FROM OUR CLIENTS...
AMANDA BORING
Amanda presents BORING alongside Richard BORING on BBC1. This British version of the US game show BORING is already a huge cult hit and returned to our screens last Saturday for its 2nd series. Having reached audiences of over 5 million in its prime-time slot, the show is only set to get bigger and better. Catch it every Saturday at 7.00pm on BBC1 until 5th September.

A 3rd series has already been commissioned and begins filming in Argentina
in October. Also, such is the popularity of the show, a Celebrity Special
is due for tx around December 2009. Amanda started her career in TV in 1999 presenting the popular breakfast show BORING on TV3. Her big break in England came when she landed the job of co-hosting the iconic Channel 4 show BORING for its final year in 2002. She also presented celebrity news show BORING on BBC3 in 2002. For the past 4 years she has been working in the States presenting shows like BORING and BORING. Whilst in LA she presented UK shows for Sky including Oscars Coverage 2005 / 2006 and 2 series of BORING.

DAN BORING
Dan BORING is an actor, writer and stand up comedian with a fantastic
catalogue of work including BORING, BORING, BORING, BORING and most recently BORING. As a stand up, Dan has written and performed in three successful Edinburgh shows and has toured the UK with the highly acclaimed BORING. He also hosts his own monthly comedy show in London, Clark's, which has featured big name guest comics such as Noel Fielding, Simon Amstell and Stephen Merchant. After two successful series of short comedies for the Paramount Comedy Channel, Dan was commissioned to write and star in his own series, BORING, for BBC3. The series was nominated for 'Best Comedy Programme' at the 2009 Broadcast Awards and Dan himself received a BORING nomination at last year’s Comedy Awards. The eagerly anticipated 2nd series of BORING will air on
BBC3 from 10th September all the way through until OH CHRIST ALRIGHT ALREADY.

RICK BORING
Rick is part of the T4 presenting family alongside Steve Boring and Miquita
Boring - - T4 on the Beach is on C4 this Sunday at 2pm. Whilst continuing to host T4 every weekend, Rick also has an extremely xciting solo project to talk about. The BORING show stems from BORING's 5-year partnership with UK BORING - a partnership which looks to encourage consumers to live by the "BORING" philosophy and eat healthier foods whilst leading BORING lives. This 12-part series will feature all things BORING - and Rick will be out and about around the country looking at what sports are on offer, searching for the UK's up-and-coming athletes, and having a go AT himself! He could be OH CHRIST ALL RIGHT ALREADY

ALEXA BORING
Alexa is now based in New York where she is fronting her own brand new show for MTV. The magazine style show, IT'S BORING WITH ALEXA BORING, is live from Times Square every weekday and is a highlight of MTV's new season of programmes. The ratings have tripled since its opening week, and the show has now been moved to a primetime slot that used to be occupied by TRL. Recent guests have included ALL THE USUAL REALLY BORING PEOPLE. Alexa is making a huge impression Stateside and will, herself, appear on top chat show 'Late Night with Jimmy Boring' OK GIVE IT A REST NOW PLEASE.

For full roster please visit
www.lizboringpr.com

Monday, 13 July 2009

Why Waste Time Having A Read Through?

What's the point in having the "CTO" of some mobile company and a bloke who used to work for Dubya all lined-up and ready to gas on about a news story if the PR trying to pitch the piece gets such a crucial part of the story so catastrophically wrong?

Thanks to the LiS operative who sent this:

Let's just see if we can spot the glaringly fundamental error in this opportunistic press release.

Hardly inspires confidence, does it?


----- Original Message -----
From: Lewis Goldberg
Sent: Friday, July 10, 2009 2:30 PM
Subject: Mobile Security Expert to Explain How Journalists Hacked Celebrity Cell Phones

Hi

I'm writing to let you know Dan Hoffman, CTO of SMobile System or Joe Hagin, Vice Chairman of SMobile and former CTO of the Bush White House, are available to help you understand how the journalists from The Guardian newspaper OH DEAR in the UK were able to hack into celebrity cell phones CALL THE LAWYERS! More importantly how vulnerable are everyone else's phones and what can be done to protect them from malicious hackers, spammers and others.

Smobile is the world's leading BLAH of BLAH and their BLAHBLAH software is used by multiple agencies in the BLAH to BLAHBLAH.

Please let me know if you are interested in speaking with either Dan or Joe.

Thanks

Lewis Goldberg
973-997-0232

If you would rather not receive future email messages from Smobile, let us know by clicking here. Smobile, 880 Third Ave., 6th Flr., New York, NY 10022 United States

Wednesday, 8 July 2009

And What Would You Like From The BBQ, Darling?

Sometimes a press release isn't badly written, it's just sort of quietly foul. This just in from a very senior LiS operative in the field.

You know what? I don't even know where to start with this one


Begin forwarded message:

From: "shannon@10yetis.co.uk" [shannon@10yetis.co.uk]
Date: 3 July 2009 12:02:02 BDT
Subject: BEER CAN UP THE BUM CHICKEN THE MOST IN DEMAND BBQ RECIPE OF 2009 SO FAR

Hi XXXXX,

I hope you are well and enjoying the slightly cooler weather we’re having today!

As most men love to BBQ and this summer is set to be a scorcher, I have something that I think your readers might be interested in. My name is Shannon and I represent www.iLoveMyBBQ.com, a website that launched in 2007 as a hobby site, but that has become increasingly popular by word of mouth.

iLoveMyBBQ.com offers visitors great BBQ recipes, as well as tips, advice and reviews of the latest barbecues and BBQ equipment. The release below is all about the Top 5 BBQ Recipes of 2009 so far and the aptly named ‘Beer Can up the Bum Chicken’ has come out on top.

All the recipes in the release can be found at www.iLoveMyBBQ.com, but if you require any more information, feel free to get in touch.

Kind regards,
__________________
Shannon Haigh
Public Relations Yeti
10 Yetis Ltd

Monday, 6 July 2009

Classical Gash

This just in from an LiS operative working deep undercover:

You know how the worst thing about classical concerts is the terrible comfort of the theatre seats, the unpleasant convenience of an interval (with the indignity of being able to order your drinks in advance) and the sheer horror of experiencing music played in an acoustically sympathetic environment?

Well suffer no more! Now you can hear the music you love in a sweaty stinkhole where the air conditioning fails to provide any relief from the soaring temperatures but does make a loud and worrying electrical click every 30 seconds. You'll be free to stand up for the duration or sit on a plastic bucket chair that looks like it was stolen from a youth club in 1978. And if you're a fan of "banter"!

Begin forwarded message:
From: Rosalia Ferrara [rosalia@ferrarapr.com]
Date: 6 July 2009 11:03:11 BST
Subject: LIVE classical performance in a rocknroll EH? environment with a very special guest 'JAMES RHODES' /VOCES8 /Compere at 100 Club on Tuesday 14th July

"LIMELIGHT"
Live CLASSICAL performance in a ROCKnROLL (she means Rock N Roll, maybe) environment with very special guest
‘JAMES RHODES’ (who “he”?)

“It’s a massive honour IT'S NOT THOUGH, REALLY, IS IT? to be first up for the Limelight gigs and playing in such an historic, funky, UGH! FUNKY! wonderful venue such as the 100 Club… Beethoven would approve!” OF A THING HE'D HAVE NO CONCEPT OF? I DOUBT IT – James Rhodes. DON’T YOU MEAN ‘JAMES RHODES’?

LIMELIGHT is launched on Tuesday 14th July at the 100 Club -Central London’s only classical club night. WHY’S THAT THEN?

Limelight presents live classical performances in a rock’n’roll I THOUGHT IT WAS ROCKnROLL (OR rocknroll)? setting. Taking place in Oxford Street’s 100 Club on monthly Tuesdays from July, Limelight will feature established and unsigned classical artists (trans: buskers).

The launch of Limelight takes place on Tuesday 14th July with headline pianist James Rhodes (AKA ‘JAMES RHODES’) supported by vocal group VOCES8.

Limelight is staged at the 100 Club on Oxford Street YOU’VE DONE THIS BIT, with seated and standing room, a bar open throughout the evening, and two live acts performing up to an hour long each. A compere will host the evening, have dialogue with the artist and provide some background on their choice of music for the night. The performers are also welcome to involve the audience in the banter. “BANTER”! OH GOD NO!

Limelight’s organizers are moving away from established methods of producing high quality classical events in favour of PRODUCING HORRIBLE LOW-QUALITY ONES attracting an audience who want to see live music in a more interactive, informative and club-like setting. They believe this informal approach will appeal to artists who relish the idea of getting out of the concert hall and engaging with a new audience. GOOD LUCK WITH THIS.

James Rhodes YOU KNOW HIM AS ‘JAMES RHODES’, who performed at The Queen Elizabeth Hall and this year sold out the Roundhouse, released his debut album ‘Razor blades, little pills and big pianos,’ THAT’S DRUGS ACKCHERLEE! OMFG!!11 will open Limelight, setting the tone and perfectly illustrating Limelight’s ethos.

Next LIMELIGHT events will be on Tuesday 25th August with violinist ‘Charlie Siem’ HERE WE GO AGAIN and Tuesday 8th September – act to be confirmed ‘CONFIRMED’, INNIT.

For more information and OH GIVE IT A REST

Your Survey Said? Uh-Oh...

The following is an astonishingly bad piece of work that left a corporation already in trouble looking even worse. Sending a rubbishy email out to anyone is bad enough, but to send it out to freelance journalists - literally, the most cynically attuned people on the face of the earth, and I mean that in the most glowing sort of way - is actually catastrophic.

I would fully expect the person who wrote this to be sacked forthwith. And for that reason alone I have deleted their name as, frankly, I don't need their blood on my hands.

Thanks to the LiS operative who sent me this:

Hello LiS.

Good to see the failing education system still means you can get actual paid work for EMI PR.

-----
From: *****, ****
Sent: Thursday, July 02, 2009 4:36 PM
Subject: EMI Master database update '09

Hi All
Sorry for the bulk email.....

Some of you may know of me from my previous job at NAME DELETED (hi) but I'm currently helping update the EMI (Virgin/Parlophone) master database list and wondered if you could take 2 mins out of your busy day and send me the below info asap.

The MORE info the better.

1. Name:
2. job: WHY NO CAPITAL?
3. company (s)- I THOUGHT THIS WAS FOR FREELANCE PEOPLE?, then who do you write for and how often:
4. Coverage - reviews/features etc?
5. What feautres YOU MEAN FEATURES? do you actually do?
6. Number(s): ER WHAT DOES THIS MEAN???
7. Email:
8. Website:
9. address:
10. Circ: for any of the publicstions THE WHAT? you may wright (YOU MEAN "WRITE"?) for.
11. Any other info you can provide:coverage/sections - i.e what features/review and in what sections there in. EH? DO YOU MEAN "THEY'RE IN"?

Really appreciate you taking five mins out to complete. I THOUGHT YOU SAID "2 MINS"?

Any problems do not hesitate to get in touch.

Many thanks
**** *****
EMI Press/ freelance PR

-------------------------------------
Music from EMI

This e-mail including any attachments is BLAHBLAHBLAH please contact us on +44 20 7795 7000.

This email is from a unit or subsidiary of EMI Group Limited.

Registered Office: 27 Wrights Lane, London W8 5SW

Registered in England No 229231.

Friday, 26 June 2009

Crime of the Month

If you wanted to move - wholesale - in to the misogyny game, this press release would be a good place to start. Thanks to the LiS operative who sent me this:

Obviously are all parking attendents men, and stupid ones at that.

I read this press release with bemusement, in particular at the generalised sexism it infers, and wondered if the people who conceived and wrote it don't also find it difficult to regulate their thoughts, feelings and actions - when writing press releases, for instance.

NB, the line "towards the taboo subject of women and their periods." Come on, we're not living under the Taliban.

An amazingly stupid piece of misogyny masquerading as Girl Power.

Everyone loses: men look stupid, women look both stupid and conniving, the brand looks misguided, the life coach, director and PR look stupid, conniving and misguided. the only party it's possible to feel sympathetic towards is parking attendants.

I rest my case.

__________
FWD MESSAGE
WOMEN’S MENSTRUAL CYCLES USED AS SCAPEGOAT TO AVOID HEFTY FINES

88% women have used having their period as an excuse for getting out of unwanted situations, with 72% using their period as an excuse for getting out of paying parking fines and speeding tickets.

Almost 50% of women surveyed say they feel more scatty "SCATTY" when on their period and therefore liable to make more mistakes. The poll was undertaken by voxpopuk.com for Moxie feminine hygiene products, where 1,500 men and women were polled about behaviour and attitudes towards the taboo subject of women and their periods.

The same survey revealed that:

Men are still in the dark ages when it comes to women’s periods as 69% of men had very little clue about their partner’s periods, thinking that tampons were available the same as clothes sizes of extra small, small, medium and large OH JESUS.

Mia Klitsas, Director of Moxie, says, “Periods can be troublesome as they are, let alone getting a parking fine at the same time! Moxie is all about making the most of a bad situation, so if we can use our feminine powers to get us out of sticky situations, why not?"

Jessica Chivers, The Thinking Woman's Coach IS THAT LIKE A COACH YOU GO ON A DAY TRIP ON? at www.beyoubutbetter.co.uk says, "embarrassing the parking warden into revoking the ticket with period talk could be a good strategy if they haven't already written the ticket, especially if you flummox (him) with talk of falling oestrogen levels affecting your pre-frontal cortex and your ability to make rational decisions. Joking aside SORRY, DID I MISS THE JOKE? DO YOU WANT TO HAVE ANOTHER RUN UP AT IT?, some women really do find it difficult to regulate their thoughts, feelings and actions when they have their period because of the drop in oestrogen circulating the body." OH RIGHT, THAT EXPLAINS EVERYTHING.
ENDS

For further information about Moxie go to: www.pressinformation.co.uk or contact Brandnation on 0207 940 ****

Thursday, 18 June 2009

Vile Bodies (Foreign Dept)

This is a great example of a bad idea done badly leading to a deeply bad outcome. French people in Speedos? What's wrong with that, unless, you don't mean French people, but ugly people. Or fat people. Or old people. Or people with one leg and a hairy back. Because there's not much wrong with a young, fit-looking person in a pair of snug-fitting swimmers is there? And "Spanish women in thongs"? Eh? So, Penélope Cruz and, say, Salma Hayek and, like, every nice-looking Spanish woman in the world wearing, y'know, not enough clothes is bad now? Really? Says who? Hey, Yeti PR. What other polls full of unamusingly casual, woefully moronic, spittle-flecked and pointless animosity do you have for us? Thanks to a respected LiS War Lord situated in the field for this:

Equities to exploit when PRing online travel services:

1. Xenophobia
2. Stating the obvious
3. Lies

Begin forwarded message:From: "emma@10yetis.co.uk"
Date: 18 June 2009 10:10:22
Subject: SPEEDOS VOTED WORST ALL-TIME SWIMWEAR FAUX PAS
Hi BLAHBLAH

A European study has found the Top 5 swimwear blunders of all time and the nation that’s responsible for them! On top came the French in Speedos, closely followed by Germans in the nud! Mankini’s came in third place and more Brits than any other nation admit to having worn a mankini in public!!

I hope you like the release! Please feel free to get in touch if you would like any more information.

Many thanks,

Emma Stockley
Public Relations
Yeti
10 Yetis Ltd


FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE
JUNE 2009
SPEEDOS VOTED WORST ALL-TIME SWIMWEAR FAUX PAS
The UK’s fastest growing independent online travel agent can reveal the Top 5 European swimwear faux pas, with the French in Speedos, Spanish women in thongs, Germans in the nude and Brits in mankini’s all reaching the top spots of most disliked swimwear of all time!

There have been hundreds of fashion trends over the years; some which were awful, some which will never be spoken of again, some which are coming back and some that just won’t go away! It seems Speedos fall under the latter and have just been voted as the worst item of swimwear of all time!

A European study of 1,490 holiday-goers from the UK’s fastest growing independent online travel agent has found the list of the Top 5 European Beachwear Blunders and the country that’s responsible for the most eye sores on the beach; the French get the award for the most awful swimwear in Europe.

The research from www.sunshine.co.uk revealed that Frenchmen were the biggest Speedo bandits, with 1 in 3 admitting they owned a pair. 31% of European respondents thought that Speedos were the worst form of swimwear; making the French the worst fashion victims on the beach!

In second place came the Germans, with 1 in 5 admitting they have gone nude on the beach and more than 20% of European respondents claiming that a middle-aged man playing tennis in his birthday suit is not what they want to see whilst relaxing on holiday.

The list of the Top 5 biggest swimwear blunders were as follows:1) French in Speedos – 31%2) Germans in the nude – 21%3) Brits in Mankini’s –20%4) Spanish senorita’s in thongs – 11%5) Italians in animal print – 8%6) Other – 9%

Chris Brown, Managing Director of sunshine.co.uk said;

“BLAHBLAHBLAH mankini’s!”

Jill Tovey, Head Fashionista FASHIONISHTA! HAHAHAHAHA! from MyCelebrityFashion.co.uk, the UK’s leading celeb style-stealing website talks about the list of Top 5 fashion blunders: “BLAHBLAHBLAH on our beaches yet...!”

Monday, 15 June 2009

Raspberry Nipple

This just in from a newly-minted LiS operative situated deep undercover:

Hello LiS

Just got this through. I must say I agree. I really have questioned why Posh's nipples were quite so HUGE yesterday. But that's because I'm an avid reader of the Mail and it was on their site and I just thought OOH! NIPPLES! I love how the Harley Medical Group take every opportunity to create PR out of everything. But then that's their PR's job. I'm tempted to say something about the nipples sparking a mass debate amongst the UK's male population but, being an esteemed journalist (in my own head), I shall avoid temptation.


Begin forwarded message:

From: "Hannah Walsh" [Hannah.walsh@RainCommunications.co.uk]
Date: 11 June 2009 17:19:18 BST
Subject: Victoria Beckham sparks nipple debate

Hi,
Sure you’ve probably all seen in the papers today Victoria Beckham was photographed wearing a sheer black top that revealed her protruding nipples NOW I'M INTERESTED. Dr Riccardo Frati, a cosmetic surgeon at The Harley Medical Group comments as follows:

“Patients having Breast Augmentations will often find their nipples will remain erect for a while after surgery OH I SEE, YES though after a time the breasts can ‘relax’ and the nipples will return to their normal state INNIT. It’s not out of the question that to achieve her current shape, Victoria Beckham has had multiple breast augmentations. BUT WE'RE NOT GOING TO SAY FOR DEFINITE, IN CASE WE GET SUED.

On the whole I would not recommend a round, high profile shaped implant to my patients as the result is clearly not natural, with the resulting breasts looking very high on chest. YES, VERY HIGH ON CHEST he says. Most breast augmentation patients are keen to keep things in proportion and opt for lower profile implant which gives breasts a more natural shape.

“There are nipple surgery options out there and a minority of women seek to change the size or shape of their nipples through reconstructive surgery purely for cosmetic reasons. Another option, nipple elevation, involves the nipple being raised above its existing level with to enhance its appearance and make the breast look more pert. Surgery can also reverse the retraction of nipples, which can be a problem for women who want to breast feed but can also improve the shape of the breast.” BRILLIANT

Please get back in touch for breast augmentation case-studies and further professional comment.

Kind regards,

Hannah

Hannah Walsh
Rain Communications UK - the news generation agency
2 Greycoat Place
London SW1P 1SB
W: www.raincommunications.co.uk

Friday, 5 June 2009

Quick! Fire Up The Email Machine!

Someone you've never heard of has decided to manage someone you've never heard of! This is amazing news! Or, as a newly minted LiS operative located in near a major landmark has it:

Who? What? Why?


------ Forwarded Message
From: Priscilla Granozio [priscilla@pagetbaker.com]
Date: Wed, 3 Jun 2009 13:26:23 +0100
Conversation: LEGENDARY AMERICAN MUSIC MANAGER SIGNS UP EMERGING BRITISH PAINTER, CHARMING BAKER

Please find the press release and image sheet attached for the forthcoming show of work by Charming Baker. Do contact me for further information.

The legendary American music manager Pat Magnarella has decided to sign up this emerging British painter from Kidbrooke in Greenwich, and use his promotional talent to globally launch this artist.

Kind Regards,
Priscilla

LEGENDARY AMERICAN MUSIC MANAGER SIGNS UP EMERGING BRITISH PAINTER, CHARMING BAKER

Meaning of Everything – a solo show by Charming Baker
The Gallery, BLAH BLAH, London BLAH BLAH
from BLAH – BLAH 2009.

The preview date is BLAH, from 6pm – 11pm

Tuesday, 2 June 2009

Not Gossip

Gossip is a hard business. You need to have details, pictures, times and dates and a sense of purpose. You need to be well-placed (or have well-placed sources). You need to be quick and have nerves of steel. Unfortunately, inane guff about your breakfast routine and woeful "chats" with taxi-drivers just doesn't cut it.

By the way, Zoe, did you actually pay for the website "design"? Really? Only, you know it's sort of the most startlingly unattractive thing imaginable, right?

Still, best of luck with it all, eh!

Thanks to the senior LiS reporter, situated in a smart part of a smart town who sent me this:

"Up to date news" = a shite post about her lollipop lady.

Brilliant.

Begin forwarded message:

From: Zoe Griffin [zoe@zoegriffin.co.uk]
Date: 2 June 2009 14:37:41 BST
Subject: Gossip Griffin - www.zoegriffin.co.uk
To everyone who is bored of the same old celebrity websites,

After two years at the Sunday Mirror, I've launched www.zoegriffin.co.uk

It's the only source of up to date news about what's happening on British soils, (unless I get invited to an amazingly cool party abroad). I'm at the heart of the action with a video camera - not only telling you what it is like but showing you.

Please update all mailing lists.

My new emails are zoe@zoegriffin.co.uk and zoe.griffin@gmail.com

My mobile is 0771 7*** 394

Send me fabulous things!

Zoe Griffin
www.zoegriffin.co.uk
0771 7*** 394
zoe@zoegriffin.co.uk

Thursday, 14 May 2009

That's Shallot

Sometimes you get press releases that fill you with rage and despair. Other times you get ones that make you feel a bit sad for the person who has to write this crap. Try and guess which category the following falls into.

Hello LiS. I received this the other day and it made me think of you. "I would be extremely grateful if you could advise"? Eh? My advice, really Kate, would be to get a new job.

From: Kate Woodward
Sent: 05 May 2009 11:59
Subject: Shallot recipes

Hi there
Just wondering if I can tempt you into featuring some fantastic new summery serving suggestions for Shallot SHE MEANS "shallots" – I’ve got a great kebab idea if you are planning a spread on national BBQ week at the end of the month? Shall I send some across?

Also WHERE'S THE COMMA? do you think you can helps SHE MEANS "HELP" us to reconnect consumers with the once much loved grapefruit? WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU ON ABOUT? I can send over details on the health benefits and what to buy if you think you might be able to highlight this?

I would be extremely grateful if you could advise WHERE'S THE FULL STOP?

Many thanks
Kate Woodward
Pam Lloyd PR

Tuesday, 12 May 2009

It Was 20 Years Ago, um, Tomorrow

Two decades ago a band released a record. Some people quite liked it. Tomorrow, years after they split up, someone's releasing a live album or something of some stuff they did, like, ages ago.

BUT DON'T TELL ANYONE! RIGHT!

Friday, 1 May 2009

Another Quiet Afternoon in the Artrocker Office...

A good friend of mine used to work on a dance music magazine. All week they'd tap away quietly, bothering no one. But on Friday afternoons they'd stumble back from the pub in time to take delivery of their weekend naughtiness and from there on in it was SHOUTING and smoking out the windows and writing reams of TOTAL BALLS until it was time to go to the pub up the road and really get on it.

Now, I'm not suggesting for ONE MINUTE that this is what's happened here. All I am saying is that it reminds me of my friend's experience. That's all.

Hello LiS. Tell me, does anybody bother to read through their crap before sending it out? There's a mistake here in the first bloody line!

From: Artrocker
Sent: 01 May 2009 12:38
Subject: [News] Artrocker Calling: How To Avoid Swine Flu

ARTROCKERS,
anybody out there planning a weekend getwaway A WHAT? to Mexico? Thought not. If the cocaine gangs don't get you the pigs will (see what I did there? Pig swill? Oh forget it). Mind you, the cocaine gangs in my hometown Brixton aren't exactly cuddly, but at least they don't come at you with pig's bladders and bacon sandwiches. Interesting to note that during the Spanish Inquisition (which included Spanish owned Mexico) persons supected YOU WHAT? of being of the Jewish persuasion OH DEAR were made to prove their christianity by eating bacon sandwiches - history does not record whether they were offered ketchup bit BIT? EH? I think we can assume that they were, after all, what's a bacon sarnie without a dollop of the red stuff? Stretch 'em on the rack, pull their fingernails out...no, the horror of the inquisition can be reduced to a bacon sandwich, which kind of puts it all into perpective YOU WHAT? doesn't it? ('Too much fucking perspective'). And to bring this all up to date, I couldn't help laughing recently when an angry mob turned on some anti-war protesters at a homecoming parade for squaddies returning form FORM? YOU WHAT? Iraq ('that's funny is it Tom? You've certainly got a wierd "WIERD"? LIKE WEIRD? sense of humour') and expressed their anger by throwing packets of bacon at them - not shooting them, stringing them up or setting fire to their beards, no, throwing packets of bacon. That's funny and, if such a concept exists, typically British. TAKE A BREATH PAL, FOR GOD'S SAKE
But I digress. It looks very much like the World Health Organisation will declare a global pandemic any minute now - but what does that mean? Will all flights cease? Will public buildings, pubs, clubs and venues be closed? Will Arsenal win the second leg? We just don't know, but in the meantime here are some tips for avoiding the plague; 1. Don't snog Mexicans GOOD ONE, THANKS FOR THIS 2. Don't snog pigs HILARIOUS 3. Don't snog 4. Fill your mouth and nostrils with charcoal (makes a great filter) and 5. Call for The Magnificent Seven.
And remember, coughs and sneezes spread diseases - if you see a sneezing pig or a runny nosed Mexican for God's sake give them a hanky.
This has been a public health service announcement on behalf of Artrocker Magazine.

Tom Artrocker
Editor At The Doctors: Artrocker Magazine and Artrocker.tv