Monday, 15 December 2008

Friday, 12 December 2008

I Hate Those Neuro-Mantics

I've just received this email. It made me LOL (see what I did there?)

Thursday, 11 December 2008

More Ground Glass, Darling?

This is the press release for the new band from that awful woman that used to be in The Distillers. The description of her new band makes me want to lie in the road and die.

Wednesday, 10 December 2008

Sweet Spell Of Success

This just in from an LiS operative deep under cover:

Full marks for gratuitous (and inexcusably misspelt) Obama mention - and in a nifty 'you think this'll be a nice thing but, ooh no, it's just a tribute, haha!' manoeuvre, too.

I don't even know who these people are but - goddammit - they keep sending me rubbish stuff...

---------- Forwarded message ----------
From: Amplified [info@amplified-online.co.uk]
Date: 2008/12
Subject: Amplified 3.0 / Q-Tip Special!

Amplified 3.0 has arrived!
To celebrate the launch of our new album we decided to make a few changes to our website that we think you'll like. Enjoy the new features including videos, DJ mixes and mintapes THE MEAN MIXTAPES, and purchase the new Amplified album! Click here to view the new look AMP site.

Q-Tip/Tribe special @ Marketplace

On November 4th Barak Obama OH JESUS, IT'S BARACK OBAMA, BARACK OBAMA, SURELY IT'S NOT TOO MUCH TO ASK TO GET THAT RIGHT, IS IT? made history. This day also saw the first official Q-Tip release since 'Kamaal The Abstract' 6 years ago EXCEPT, FAMOUSLY, KAMAAL THE ABSTRACT WAS NEVER ACTUALLY RELEASED. To celebrate the release of 'The Renaisance' THEY MEAN RENAISSANCE there will be a special Q-Tip and A Tribe called THEY MEAN "Called" Quest tribute included @ December's Collabo. WEVZ, YEAH?

Friday, 5 December 2008

Rubbish UNCUT Quotes In Press Releases: 1

La Roux's Quicksand

"Brixton’s answer to Annie Lennox"

Wow! That bad?

Thursday, 4 December 2008

O Brother, Why Art Thou?

"And, yes, I've just been told I can hand you straight over to a senior LiS reporter at the scene of yet another horrendous PR pile-up..."

One presumes Tones from Triad Publicity is doing this because the old Creation ties die hard. Certainly, the fact that he's let the the idiotic third Gallagher brother write most of it suggests he's not filled with faith in the product. But how can one have faith in a product whose genesis is described as follows: "We met (owner) Gerry O'Boyle and had a few drinks... and then David Soul appeared. A few shandies and a lot of chat and eyeballing later, a club night was born...” Paul, there is a difference between "irony" and "being a talentless nothing"; you should explore that difference by consulting a dictionary. What kind of no-brained, cretinous scenester thinks the idea of David Soul singing in a pub offers any entertainment possibilities whatever? Wouldn't you rather scoop out your eyeballs with plastic cutlery than attend?

As for the market research that went into the night — I also liked the idea of a night every 2 months as real LEGENDS just don’t play every month, we have to make it special every time. And I also like Tuesdays, so the 2nd Tues of every 2nd month...” — well, that's more or less what we'd expect from a Gallagher, eh? Paul, you're not a legend. And I'm so interested to hear you like Tuesdays. Well done. Now, have you been to the toilet recently and do you want your medicine now?































Wednesday, 3 December 2008

Epic Awfulness

I've never heard of Kinkane. I imagine you haven't either. They are supporting The Who at the o2, a fact that, for reasons too convoluted to go into, just makes me think they must be terrible. Anyway, if you think I'm being unfair, why not just sit back and treat yourself to the second paragraph of this press release? I think it might be time to revive the idea of some sort of award for awfulness.

Tuesday, 2 December 2008

Can You Tell Who It Is Yet?

This isn't a mistake - this is the band's actual logo.



Can you read that? To me it looks like The Unglians or The Vinegars, or maybe even She Uriglim? Has there ever been a worse logo in the history of logos?

Friday, 28 November 2008

Actually, Do Cry For Me, Thanks!

Evita? A metal band called Evita? Are they for real? Still, as long as their "riffs" really are "prolapse inducing" then we're all guaranteed a good time, no? I'm also pleased to read how they'll be "shacking up" with some halfwit producer in order to "lay down tracks". Amazing! I can't wait for their sophomore effort.

Wednesday, 26 November 2008

Ugly Sentiments

Punting a rubbish website - and easytobook is a rubbish website - is one thing, we've all got to eat. But to do it via such a cheap and nasty way as Hills Balfour Synergy have done seems particularly mean and tasteless. I suppose that Hannah Filer and her colleagues must all be incredibly attractive people who have never had a bad word said about them in their lives, how else could they possibly excuse this sort of finger-pointing crapola? Or, as an LiS operative has it:

If you were desperately trying to add some rock star kudos to a desperate press release about something incredibly dull, wouldn't you bother to at least check how Ozzy Osbourne spells his name? And isn't it Ann Widdecombe rather than Anne? Suffice to say I shall not be emailing Hannah for more statistics if this is the best she can manage. As an aside, Ozzy is a multi-millionaire rock star with a hugely successful career. Ann Widdecome is one of the most recognisable female politicians of modern times. Do you think Hannah's happy with the way her life turned out?


______
Forwarded message
From: Hannah Filer [mailto:hannahfiler@hillsbalfoursynergy.com]
Sent: 24 November 2008 11:26
Subject: SURVEY FROM EASYTOBOOK.COM SHOWS OZZIE OSBOURNE you don't spell it like that love WOULDN'T GET LAID FOR £1 MILLION!!!

Leading online hotels reservations site, EasyToBook.com recently conducted a survey amongst its users. When asked, which celebrity would you refuse to sleep with in a hotel for £1million? The SHE MEANS "the" majority of EasyToBook.com users agreed, Ozzie Ozbourne MAKE YOUR MIND UP - IT'S OZZY OSBOURNE AS EVEN THE MOST PERFUNCTORY GOOGLE SEARCH WOULD CONFIRM was the most repulsive male and Anne SHE MEANS ANN Widdecombe was the biggest female turn off.

Survey was completed by 1951 respondents, 35.4% voted for Ozzie Osbourne STILL WRONG, 10.9% voted for Anne WRONG Widdecombe. Other choices included: Boris Johnson, Wayne Rooney, Kerry Katona, John McCririck, Keith Chegwin and Jodie Marsh. For more statistics, please email me!

Monday, 24 November 2008

Excuse Me While I Vomit Out My Aggression

Some people are just terrible, laughable oiks, aren't they? Frank Iero of My Chemical Romance is one such oik and this press release gives him just enough rope to hang himself in style.

Certain things here make me never want to hear this record as long as I live.

1. "I try to belabor the topics people want to forget exist." Great!
2. "LeATHERMOUTH is where I can vomit out all the aggression." Amazing!
3. "The world is going to shit, and someone has to say it." Preach, brother!
4. "I would love to not feel the way I do about certain things, and have rainbows and birds chirping in my head, but that’s just not the way I’m built." Taxi for this week's woe-is-me, emotionally retarded, slack-jawed, idiot-friendly, tattooed marionette, please. Thanks!

EPITAPH TO RELEASE LEATHERMOUTH DEBUT ALBUM JANUARY 2009

Frank Iero (My Chemical Romance) Gets Pissed For Epitaph Records

New Jersey hardcore group LeATHERMOUTH have signed to Epitaph Records and will release their debut album January 26th 2009.

LeATHERMOUTH’S founding members include Frank Iero of My Chemical Romance (this time on vocals) and friend Rob Hughes (guitar) alongside various others who have toured and recorded with them both. LeATHERMOUTH was formed in a garage in New Jersey in 2007 with the sole intention of making raw confrontational punk rock that not only served as a mouth piece for Iero’s ire but also as a reminder to today’s youth that sometimes it’s the loudmouths who make change happen in this tumultuous world.

“For me LeATHERMOUTH is how I can vent about all the bullshit that I see going on in the world that makes me ill,” says Iero. “I try to belabor the topics people want to forget exist. LeATHERMOUTH is where I can vomit out all the aggression that has built up inside. After recording or playing a LM show I feel empty of all that hatred that’s been bottled up. It’s a pleasant, cathartic experience. I would love to not feel the way I do about certain things, and have rainbows and birds chirping in my head, but that’s just not the way I’m built. I am embarrassed by my emotions and originally wanted to keep LeATHERMOUTH anonymous...but fuck it, none of us are perfect, the world is going to shit, and someone has to say it. I think it would be worse if I hid from it. I have a great deal of respect for Epitaph, and when I decided that I didn’t want to release the LeATHERMOUTH record myself there was only one other label that I felt would be right for this project. I feel honored to be accepted into the Epitaph family, it is something that I’ve thought about ever since I was a kid. I hope I don’t fuck it up.”

Stay tuned for UK tour news!















































I will!*



*I won't.

Friday, 21 November 2008

Adventising Message

A "Cullumder". Oh Jesus.


Wednesday, 19 November 2008

Calling All Grumpy, Self-Obsessed, Woe-Is-Me, Mummy-Doesn't-Understand-Me Teenagers!

Here's a new record you might like! It's "hard hitting dark post-hardcore", "passion-fuelled rock infused with monstrously accessible hooks". That's right. It's utterly standard emo snore-pop. Quick question for James at Division Promotions: have you ever used the word "sophomore" in real life? No? Do you see where I'm going with this?



Tuesday, 18 November 2008

Chidren In Seed

This just in from a newly-minted LiS operative situated in one of our most important war-time cities:
Just to put Seed Records straight. I have not been waiting for this. And in that horrible title do they really mean "the beetles of or childhood" or the far more likely "beetles of OUR childhood"? If they can't be bothered to read it, why should we? None of these records are perfect stocking filler and I'm willing to bet they won't be in the shops at all - at "crazy prices" or otherwise. As for this bit:

"Sleeps In Oysters are the sound of a ne plus ultra granny's strawberry alarm-clock going off under her tie-dyed wig or for the aurally impaired, the colour splash of a fruit farm sliding down a rainbow into a exotic lagoon lit with fireflies and as seen through a kaleidoscope. It is music made with levers, by little people, flowers, bugs, steam and rusty toys all sprinkled with fairy dust and brought to life under a very special magical spell...and this, by the way, only happens once in a lifetime when the weather is just right..."

Words fail me. If only they could have failed this lot too. Oh, and it's actually spelt Rhydian.

From: Seed Records [mailto:list_reply@seedrecords.co.uk]
Sent: 18 November 2008 15:15
Subject: Seed Records, 'Sleeps In Oysters' debut album pre-sale + FREE track.

Hello Folks,

We're pleased to announce the pre-sale of a release that you've all been waiting for! No, it's not Chinese Democracy or Rhidian Roberts' fresh muck but the wonderful debut album from 'Sleeps In Oysters' on Seed Records with the rather extravagant title:

'We kept the memories locked away like the beetles of or childhood, or How to appreciate someone who is always around'

SEED SHOP
You won't have seen nor heard anything like it - it's the perfect stocking filler and this is the tech spec to prove it: 250 limited edition mini-album CD and 5 bespoke postcards parcelled in paper, tied with string and sealed with wax, housed in OH JESUS GET ON WITH IT mp3 download.

I would like one mummy
Sleeps In Oysters are the sound of a ne plus ultra granny's strawberry alarm-clock going off under her tie-dyed wig or for the aurally impaired, the colour splash of a fruit farm sliding down a rainbow into a exotic lagoon lit with fireflies and as seen through a kaleidoscope. It is music made with levers, by little people, flowers, bugs, steam and rusty toys all sprinkled with fairy dust and brought to life under a very special magical spell...and this, by the way, only happens once in a lifetime when the weather is just right.

Their debut album is BLAHBLAHBLAHBLAHBLAH.
/ends/

Friday, 14 November 2008

Family Matters

Outpost media might want to check one or two of their "facts" before sending out any more of this kind of twaddle ("Ty will be bringing with him the latest sounds in hip-hop and r&b that is guaranteed to get your booty shaking on the dance floor," makes no sense). As a senior LiS reporter has it:

Um, wasn't it Jane Fonda who did workout videos? And when he says Kela Kuti, does he actually mean Fela Kuti? And wasn't that Ty and Damon Albarn track called Every Season? And the phrase is "watchful eye", not "watchful eyes". Still, well done for having a try, eh!

---------- Forwarded message ----------
From: Joe Gamp [Outpost]
Date: 2008/11/11
Subject: The Westbury presents
Saturday 29th November 2008 - please RSVP for more details
To: joe@outpostmedia.co.uk

UPROCK'S INSTRUMENTAL SPECIAL

On Friday 28th November we welcome renowned UK hip-hop artist TY (artist behind the album 'Closer'). Ty has grown from an underground MC to an artist who is developing an international reputation. This led to him being nominated for a Mercury Music Award in 2004, alongside prestigious artists Jamelia and Joss Stone. PLEASE DON'T USE THE WORD "ARTISTS" AGAIN, THANKS Ty has been making music and pushing boundaries for the last ten years and collaborated on the track 'Evert Season' with Tony Allen (Kela Kuti's drummer) and Damon Albarn. Ty will be bringing with him the latest sounds in hip-hop and r&b that is guaranteed to get your booty shaking on the dance floor.

On Saturday 29th November we have a brand new BLAHBLAHBLAH. Hanging baskets and disco balls will be your party partners for the night and the soundtrack to this party will be house and electro all under the watchful eyes of Bridget Fonda, as her workout videos are projected onto the sheds giant rooftop screen. The shed is guaranteed to intrigue the mightiest of sceptics and has to be seen to be believed. YES, I'M SURE...

Wednesday, 12 November 2008

I Have A Dream (Of Selling Some More Records)

I'm pleased that Obama chap won too - he seems like a nice enough bloke - but wouldn't it be more friendly to give him a few weeks headstart before trying to flog albums off the back of his victory, even for someone as well connected as Mave "The Rave" Staples?

------ Forwarded Message
From: Janine [janine@coalitiongroup.co.uk]
Date: Tue, 11 Nov 2008 12:13:32 +0000
Subject: Civil Rights Legend MAVIS STAPLES Celebrates Obama Win - "The Dream Is Alive!

New Record ­ MAVIS STAPLES LIVE: HOPE AT THE HIDEOUT ­ Takes on New Significance with Historic Victory

Mavis Staples, who marched and sang and protested alongside Dr. Martin Luther King during the Civil Rights movement of the 1960s, saw her steadfast dedication to equality and unwavering sense of hope validated on Tuesday. She writes:

"To come up in a time when there was slavery, racism, the KKK, and Jim Crow, I'm just so grateful to still be here to enjoy this historical time in our lives. It is so surreal, so completely overwhelming. This young black man has BLAHBLAHBLAH so happy. The Dream is alive."

Staples¹ new record -- AND STRAIGHT INTO THE SALES PITCH! -- which came out on Monday Nov 3rd -- takes on a whole new significance in the wake of this historic win for equal rights. Recorded in June in an intimate bar in her hometown of Chicago, the record is filled with freedom BLAHBLAHBLAH the past 50+ years.

In addition to her work in the trenches LIKE IN WW1, BRILLIANT! the Rock & Roll Hall of Fame singer is no stranger to political celebrations. Staples has performed at inaugural events for John F. Kennedy, Bill Clinton and Jimmy Carter.

Friday, 7 November 2008

Beeny Royston, Cassette Jam, Kathy Diamond, Shinchi Osawa And Phat Phil Cooper On The Same Bill? Impossible!

Do you fancy going to something that's "flesh-creeping"? No, me neither. Do you want to go to something that's "possessed by more legends than a 'Hammer House of Horror' Box Set"? No, but mainly because, rather like Bruce Hay, I have NO IDEA what that means. By the way, James Zabelia has been dubbed the "turntable wünderkind" for about 10 years now. It's David "Kid" Jensen all over again. Thanks to a senior LiS operative for this - they add:


My eyes... MY EYES my EYES :(

---------- Forwarded message ----------
From: Bruce Hay [brucehay@yahoo.com]
Date: 2008/11/7
Subject: Snowbombing 2009 - Massive DJ Line-up Confirmed


Hi all, hot on the heels of Fatboy Slim's confirmation comes news of a host of top DJs and leading club nights set to play Snowbombing 2009 - the 10th year anniversary - full details below...

cheers,
Bruce

SNOWBOMBING UNVEIL
A HOST OF DJ HEAVYWEIGHTS
GRANDMASTER FLASH / LAYO & BUSHWACKA! / JAMES ZABIELA / NIC FANCIULLI / PLUMP DJS / CLAUDE VON STROKE / SCRATCH PERVERTS / PLUS MANY MORE...

SUNDAY 29TH MARCH - SATURDAY 4TH APRIL 2009
Mayrhofen, Austria
www.snowbombing.com

Spine-tingling, crowd-mingling, flesh-creeping, bass-bleeping; it's got to be the scariest team of sheer talent ever seen at Snowbombing (and that's saying something). Snowbombing have called up the spirits of dance music and driven a stake through the heart of mediocrity. Is there anybody there? You bet there is! They're possessed by more legends than a 'Hammer House of Horror' Box Set.
With FATBOY SLIM already announced as this year's tenth anniversary headliner, Snowbombing will also feature a true original, GRANDMASTER FLASH, on the ones and twos, plus there will be the incomparable FABIO & GROOVERIDER dropping bombs, groove controllers LAYO & BUSHWACKA! turntable wünderkind JAMES ZABIELA, House roller NIC FANCIULLI, Breakbeat behemoths PLUMP DJS San Franciscan beat magician CLAUDE VON STROKE the post-punk disco psychedelia of CAGED BABY and the deck-wizardry of the inimitable SCRATCH PERVERTS.

Also on display will be a live turn from BLAHBLAHBLAH dropping some mad flows.

And it doesn't stop there, Hacienda original GREG WILSON, the up and coming RIVA STARR, Hungarian twistedness from FINE CUT BODIES, Tech-Funker ZODIAC CARTEL, the larger than life LOOSE CANNONS and 4-deck manoeuvres from the NO FAKIN DJS will keep the dancefloors at critical mass. And that's without even mentioning NANCY KITTENS, FAKE BLOOD, JON CARTER, THE POO POO WARRIORS, GROSSLY OFFENSIVE, SHINICHI OSAWA, TRISTAN DE CUHNA, PUNCH ME IN THE FACE, THE BEENY ROYSTON & JADELL SHOW, I AM AN AXEWOUND, and FIRAS plus many more TBC. Club nights MAKE IT STOP! and some top international DJ's...so get [snnnniiiippppppp!]

Thursday, 6 November 2008

Credit Where It's Due...

... I like the fact that the PR has read this horrifying line-up and admitted that the events might appeal to "several" - rather than "all" - tastes, but, I have to say, the show on December 22 may be the one that really gets the bums on the seats (the seats in question being the comfortable ones on the sofa at home).


Tuesday, 4 November 2008

The Wrong Remains The Same

And the barely-concealed spam just keeps on a-coming. This from an LiS reporter on the frontline of PR horror:

Apparently this was "powered by" Sign-To email & mobile marketing: "Right Person. Right Place. Right Time". And yet, I couldn't care less, in fact, I find it quite aggravating, so it's clearly the Wrong. Wrong. And Wrong again, isn't it?


From: "Matt Joshua" [info@e***soho.co.uk]
Date: 3 November 2008 17:00:50 GMT
Subject: Fireworks in Soho, Wednesday 5th November

The sky above Soho will be alight with dazzling pyrotechnics this Bonfire Night as NAME DELETED puts on its annual fireworks display. Join the crowds in Soho Square as you "Oooooooh!" and "ahhhhhhh!" as a kaleidescope HE MEANS KALEIDOSCOPE of colour lights up the sky. Then it's back inside NAME DELETED for a hot toddy or two or perhaps an Irish coffee to warm your cockles. Firework show at 9pm.

This email has been sent to you by Kudos Group

Sign-Up.to : Right Person. Right Place. Right Time.

Monday, 3 November 2008

Rubbish NME Quotes In Press Releases: 6

Roses Kings Castles' Horses

"Pete's not the only 'Shambler with a swish line in solo material - through his Roses, Kings, Castles project sticksman Adam Ficek shows an ear for melody that the likes of Belle And Sebastian would smash up a tea party for."

Haha! Brilliant! It's like someone on acid, being on drugs, in a cement mixer (on ecstasy)!

Friday, 31 October 2008

Let Me What Your Who?

Shouldn't someone at the record label taken Wyclef aside and said, 'Mate, I'm not being funny, but if you try and release this in the UK within seconds everyone will be calling it Let Me Touch Your Bottom... Just a heads up!"



Oh Jesus Make It Stop...

Thursday, 30 October 2008

Little Chef: Serving Up Tepid Idiocy Every Day!

This bit makes me want to weep: "A spokesperson for Little Chef said “Like James Bond, Little Chef’s Fat Charlie are the two the most loved and enduring British icons..." A spokesperson who can't even speak! Brilliant! Or, as a Senior LiS reporter has it:

Words fail me.
----
Forwarded Message
From: [peter.cunningham@hotmail.co.uk]
Subject: Little Chef the star at James Bond Premiere

Send Date:30-Oct-2008 10:00

Goodmorning,
Fat Charlie the iconic chef from British institution Little Chef stole the show at the Bond premiere in Leicester Square last night, signing autographs for fans and being interviewed for radio and television. Fat Charlie celebrates his 50th anniversary this year. A spokesperson for Little Chef said “Like James Bond, Little Chef’s Fat Charlie are the two the most loved and enduring British icons. It was befitting that he accepted Daniel Craig’s invitation to join him on the red carpet.“

If you would like higher res pictures please drop me a line.

Many thanks
Peter
07**4 **9 **8

Tuesday, 28 October 2008

Bond Is Wack

Have you picked up your free mp3 player from The Sun this week - you know, the "Bond" one? Yeah - of course you have! It's amazing, isn't it? Well, what could possibly make your life any more completely brilliant than rocking one of these bad boys as you troop down to Yates' Wine Lodge while pranging out to a poor quality, illegal download of A View To A Kill through the world's worst pair of headphones? "Do you expect me to talk?" "No, Mr Bond! I expect you to look like an under-employed wedding magician with a startling entry on the offender's register and a debilitating thyroid complaint..." Or, as an LiS reporter has it:

This is spectacularly bad. And, memo to Burton Head Office, Simon Mills isn't, in fact, "the leading men's style commentator", no, he is, alas, the biggest bell-end on Earth...











Friday, 24 October 2008

I Pee Address

Amazing news just in. People don't just download American telly and look at questionable material in the "study". Or as a newly-minted LiS reporter has it:

Jesus Christ, it must be a slow news week...

------ Forwarded Message
From: Sophia Mitchell from OCTANE [sophiam@octanepr.com]
Date: Thu, 23 Oct 2008 10:24:58 +0100
To: Sophia Mitchell from OCTANE
Conversation: COMPUTER USERS EMBRACE WEE-FI - More internet fans spending pennies on wireless connection

NEWS ALERT: October, 24, 2008

The toilet has become one of the most unusual places to surf the internet and send emails, according to a new poll. 10 per cent of web browsers have logged on to their laptops during visits to the toilet, either at home or at work, says the survey by leading ISP, Plusnet.

35 per cent have even admitted going online while in bed as an alternative to the traditional bedtime read YES - I WONDER WHY. The favourite place to log on is the living room or lounge with 40 per cent, with the humble study LOUNGE IS THE NEW STUDY coming in at just 20 per cent. The survey also found that 85 per cent now had BLAHBLAHBLAH.

Neil Armstrong GREAT NAME!, Plusnet products director, said: “BLAHBLAHBLAHBLAHBLAH." Some people are now such fans of BLAHBLAHBLAH wherever they are. The explosion of Wi-Fi broadband BLAHBLAHBLAH the bath or shower!”

The survey findings came as ALRIGHT, THAT'LL DO, "THANKS".

Thursday, 23 October 2008

Life: Harder Than You Expected?

Guess what? Not everyone who wanted to be an astronaut actually becomes an astronuat. Some people drive buses or sweep streets or play bass for Coldplay or clean the toilets at a down-and-out hostel. Are you one of those inadequates? Well, luckily, here's a website that can "help"! Or, as an LiS reporter has it:

Another urgent communiqué from the Department For Stating The Blindingly Obvious...


Begin forwarded message:
From: [Katie.Siegel@fish4.co.uk]
Date: 22 October 2008 12:51:26 BDT
Subject: fish4jobs - are we working in our dream jobs - or putting up with 2nd best?

Good Afternoon
Please see a release from fish4jobs attached and below. The release follows research from a survey and from our site (www.fish4jobs.co.uk). Please also note that our press site hosts releases from fish4homes, fish4jobs, fish4cars and fish4holidays which may also be of interest to you and your publication. THAT'S UNLIKELY, BUT THANKS The releases all include statistics from surveys or from the site and focus on modern day issues such as "surviving redundancy", "neighbours from hell", "the top car for romantic encounters" YOU WHAT?

Any queries please do let me know,

Best wishes

Katie siegel SHE MEANS "Siegel"
PR Manager

0208 6** 6***

Press release
October 22nd 2008
Dream, dream, dreaming

Are you working in your dream job?

Or are you facing the reality that living the dream is harder than expected. Research from fish4jobs (www.fish4jobs.co.uk) can confirm that despite most Brits not working in their dream job (86%), we are actually quite content with our lot. Most of those interviewed said that they wouldn’t retrain to get their dream job (57%). The survey asked people what their dream jobs were when they were OH JESUS, I HAVEN'T GOT TIME FOR THIS RUBBISH

Wednesday, 22 October 2008

Rubbish NME Quotes In Press Releases: 5

Metronomy's A Thing For Me

NME says: “A multi-layered party playlist that gurgles out anthems without pause... A sleeping giant of a dancefloor creeper that will be everyone’s favourite in approximately six months’ time.”

"Everyone's" - riiiigghhht...

Tuesday, 21 October 2008

Travelodge: Where Unpleasantness Comes As Standard: UPDATE

I have a feeling that Travelodge PR may want to rethink this whole thing. More people have sent me this one press release than any other. Here are two particularly piquant emails I've just had:

This is a true stinker that has now turned up three times in my inbox. Where do I start? "Oggies" are Cornish pasties, not pies, idiot (I'm Cornish, see). Southgate, Crouch End and the environs where Ms "Whinemouth" grew up, are very definitely not in East London. A "piazza" is a town square in Italian, not Spanish- you mean a "plaza". The German word for sausage is "wurst", not "wiener". And worst of all, Lily Allen is now a cockney? Have Bow Bells moved to Hammersmith? This PR must be thicker than the British public, dagnamit.




The first refuge for a f*ckwit PR - surveys! But have you ever seen a more pathetic attempt to weld a client to a survey and then weld the survey to a very tenuous showbiz link than this one?

Travelodge: Where Unpleasantness Comes As Standard

So, if I've read this correctly, Travelodge are saying that their customers hate people from London? And Liverpool? And Scotland? And Wales? Isn't that quite a lot of unpleasantness? Can this be right? And, Shakila, were you personally responsible for the deathless phrase, "Britain’s Most Despised Drawl"? Despised? Really? Only, the last time I looked, Amy Winehouse's "despised drawl" had sold her nearly five million records, so someone, somewhere (if not everyone, everywhere) is lying to you. Unless she's sold five million records to other "cockneys"? Oh, and by the way, Winehouse is from Southgate, which is in north, not east, London, so she's not a cockney. And, while we're at it, David Beckham is from Leytonstone, which means, sadly, he's not a cockney either. But thanks for trying, I particularly liked your idea of "worst well-known whines". You truly are adding to the sum of human happiness over there in the Travelodge PR department, aren't you? A thrilled LiS reader cooked down their own response to this unpleasant "survey" thus:


:(


Begin forwarded message:
From: "Shakila Ahmed" [shakila.ahmed@travelodge.co.uk]
Date: 21 October 2008 12:35:07 BST
Subject: Press release: Amy's 'whine' voted worst in UK

Hi,
Please see below for our latest press release, if you need any further information, please call me

Regards

Shakila

Amy’s ‘whine’ voted worst in UK - Award for Britain’s Most Despised Drawl Goes to Cockney Crooner -

Winehouse by name, ‘Whine-mouth’ by nature? A new report examining the nation’s best-loved and most-hated regional twangs reveals the notorious crooner’s cockney accent to be the most despised drawl in Britain.

Meanwhile, the Geordie accent was voted top of the regional twangs, with Cheryl Tweedy’s Geordie lilt selected as Brits’ favourite celebrity accent, closely followed by fellow Geordies Ant and Dec. Cat Deeley’s Brummie brogue and Peter Kay’s Lancastrian lilt followed in the league of most-loved celebrity accents.

Joining Winehouse at the bottom of the lingo league was fellow East Londoner, David Beckham. Prime Minister Gordon Brown was voted in third place, followed by Scouser Colleen Rooney in the poll of 3,000 Britons by national budget hotel chain Travelodge as part of its campaign to find out Britons knowledge of their own regional phrases and dialects.

Joining Winehouse at the bottom of the lingo league was fellow East Londoner, David Beckham. Prime Minister Gordon Brown was voted in third place, followed by Scouser Colleen Rooney in the poll of 3,000 Britons by national budget hotel chain Travelodge as part of its campaign to find out Britons knowledge of their own regional phrases and dialects.

Brits were asked to complete a ‘Mother Tongue Test’ to reveal just how well they could identify and understand their own language, with shocking results revealing that over half of Brits couldn’t decipher local terms from the Scouse term ‘scran’ for food to Cornish ‘oggies’ – pies. However, 85% could understand foreign phrases such as the German word for sausage - ‘wiener’ - and Spanish ‘piazza’, meaning a town square.

Campaigning to keep local lingo alive, national hotel chain Travelodge is aiming to make life easier for the growing number of Britons exploring the UK during the credit crunch by providing Lingo Busting Guides on its website for people to download before they check in.

Greg Dawson, Travelodge Director of Communications said, “BLAHBLAHBLAH.”

Further findings:
The study revealed the Yorkshire accent to be the most trustworthy in the UK, while the Northern Irish accent was voted the sexiest. Brummies were deemed to have the most boring brogue, while Geordies topped the list for the accent most likely to bring a smile to Brits’ faces.

The nation’s worst well-known whines:

Women Men
Amy Winehouse (Cockney) 1. David Beckham (Cockney)
Colleen Rooney (Scouse) 2. Gordon Brown (Scottish)
Charlotte Church (Welsh) 3. Noel Gallagher (Mancunian)
Lily Allen (Cockney) 4. Ozzy Osbourne (Brummie)
Jane McDonald (Yorkshire) 5. Chris Moyles (Yorkshire)

Voted top of the celebrity twangs:

Women Men
Cheryl Tweedy (Geordie) 1. Ant and Dec (Geordie)
Cat Deeley (Brummie) 2. Peter Kay (Lancastrian)
Edith Bowman (Scottish) 3. James Nesbitt (Northern Irish)
Tess Daly (Lancastrian) 4. Vernon Kay (Lancastrian)
Christine Bleakley (Northern Irish) 5. Justin Lee Collins (Bristolian)

Notes to editors: Study of 3,000 respondents conducted by One Poll in September 08

Rubbish NME Quotes In Press Releases: 4

The Walkmen's The Blue Route

NME says: "“Few can do melancholy quite as well as The Walkmen..."

Apart from, say, almost anybody in the whole world, yes.

Blunt Facts: UPDATE

Oh dear :(

Monday, 20 October 2008

Blunt Facts

At last! Two of the most vapid, soulless experiences currently available in the modern world are getting together. Just imagine how stimulating it will be to finally get James Blunt's view on the sort of "news" that's only fit to be given away to bored, feckless commuters. Or, as a newly-minted LiS reporter has it:

Oh my Good God. My blood is chilling as I type.

Begin forwarded message:

JAMES BLUNT CONFIRMED AS FIRST EVER GLOBAL GUEST EDITOR FOR METRO

20 October 2008: James Blunt, Warner Music and Metro International today announced a global brand partnership that will see the acclaimed singer-songwriter guest edit the global edition of the Metro newspaper on 17th November. Metro is BLAHBLAHBLAH its global edition.

James will assume his duties at the Metro Rome office where he will BLAHBLAHBLAH. James will be involved in a feature on Médecins Sans Frontières, an international medical humanitarian organisation James supports and which Metro Newspapers have worked closely with for a number of years.

James Blunt said, “I have long been fascinated by the media and am excited to have the chance to go behind the scenes at Metro and experience things from the other side. With so much going on in the world right now, I am looking forward to editing a newspaper IT'S NOT A REAL NEWSPAPER, YOU FOOL, raising the profile of subjects close to my heart and hopefully have a little fun along the way. I might even give myself a good BLAHBLAHBLAHBLAH..."

IKEA: Keeping The Customer Happy!

No one, especially not me, expects PRs to think of the people they're punting whatever it is they're being paid to punt that week as real human beings, but, they could try a little harder than this, surely? Or, as an LiS reporter has it:

"FirstName"? Idiots...

---------
Forwarded Message
17 Oct 2008
[pruk@memo.ikea.com] wrote:
Hi FirstName
Please find attached information on the fifth IKEA soft toy camapign which aims to raise money for UNICEF and Save the Children. For more information on the campaign, please contact us here in the IKEA Press Office - we would love to hear from you!

Best wishes,

The IKEA Press Office [pruk@memo.ikea.com]

Friday, 17 October 2008

The Price Is Nice

If I was a woman - and who knows, perhaps I am - I would be perfectly happy to buy Grazia and "quaff" rosé and carry a statement handbag, but I would draw the line at "scented towels and liners". Scented towels and liners? Are you stark, staring mad? Let this message ring out to Big Business: you have now, officially, gone too far and I hereby withdraw my support. Or, as a senior LiS reporter has it:

It's all downhill after the age of 30, ladies! As for these products, "you can find them in all major chemists and supermarkets, priced from £X" That much? And lastly, what it is with all the "saying that" stuff? Is this a proviso, or a clarification? Agh...











Thursday, 16 October 2008

Lexicon Of Guff

Note to Vickie North at Finn Comms. You can't introduce "a new lexicon to fashionistas", however much you might like it. The lexicon, according to Wikipedia, "organises the vocabulary of a language according to certain principles and it contains a generative device producing (new) simple and complex words according to certain lexical rules." And you don't spell Agyness Deyn like that either.

But thanks for trying. This just in from an LiS operative:

As a regular reader of your blog I just spotted this on the PR grapevine and thought I'd share. I’m not quite sure adding one (rather poor) word counts as introducing a "new lexicon" – methinks the PR in question needs to check her own lexicon and learn the meaning of the word. Also, I'm not sure how "Audery Hepburn" would feel about being ranked alongside Kate Moss and Twiggy, but I reckon, if nothing else, she'd be peeved to see her name spelled incorrectly. Hey ho.

----------------
FORWARDED MESSAGE
FROM: vickie.north@finncomms.com
PRECIOUS MONKEY JEWELLERY LAUNCHES CLICKOUTURE FOR CHRISTMAS

Jewellery shopping, as we know it, is set for an almighty shake-up, as The Precious Monkey Jewellery Company opens its online doors in time for Christmas. A unique and ingenious web-based concept, Precious Monkey Jewellery offers people the chance to design their own exquisite and bespoke pieces of jewellery at the click of a button (www.preciousmonkeyjewellery.co.uk). A true world first, Precious Monkey Jewellery has introduced a new lexicon to fashionistas: ‘Clickouture’, the ability to design and create couture jewellery on-line, at any time.

Feeling adventurous and bursting at the seams with creative flair? Whether it’s in the style of Audery Hepburn SHE MEANS AUDREY or Kate Moss, Twiggy or Agyness Dene SHE MEANS DEYN, Precious Monkey Jewellery puts the design in the hands of the wearer. The website provides a blank canvas on which a unique silver necklace, pendant, bracelet or earring can be created from scratch. Choose from a selection of cutting-edge shapes and elements, including ovals, stars and circles; attach these to a thick or thin chain, long or short; and add a touch of glamour with a sprinkling of diamonds and other precious gems.

The website gives a dimension of flexibility to Precious Monkey Jewellery that has never been seen before. Collections can be tweaked and changed within a matter of days to keep track of key fashion trends. Watch this space as the Launch Collection will shortly be followed by an array of chic designs that will whet the appetite of budding fashion followers. OH YES, DEFINITELY

Commenting on the launch, Liz Clothier, the company’s Fashion Director said: “BLAHBLAHBLAHBLAHBLAHBLAH.”

Wednesday, 15 October 2008

Structural Foam Is Where The Heart Is

Lots of people think that PR is all about hoovering up bad white wine and mini-burgers at the launch of terrible retail ideas by horse-faced Sloanes. It isn't. Someone out there has to look after "architectural panels" and "portable lightweight staging systems" too. And, happily, the people that do are less likely to wake up in the morning having done something revolting with a member of Razorlight. Having said that, they're not too dependable on their spelling of "aluminium" as they might be. This from an LiS reporter in the field:

The people over at Dragonfly PR are still ploughing the world's most boring furrow - can you imagine what it must be like to actually have to write this stuff?

From: Paul Batty [mailto:paul@dragonflypr.co.uk]
Sent: 10 October 2008 12:54
Subject: FW: Panel Systems - North Glasgow College

Hello again,
We've put together a press release about a recent development where Panel Systems has supplied Aluglaze to the North Glasgow College development; 560m² of aluminium infill panels on the new college building. The aluminum OH DEAR faces of the panels were finished in natural silver anodising to give the building an iconic and contemporary look. Panel Systems is one of the UK's leading manufacturers of insulation products, architectural panels, structural foams and portable lightweight staging systems.

CASE STUDY - OCTOBER 2008

PANEL SYSTEMS MAKES THE GRADE WITH NORTH GLASGOW COLLEGE

Pupils and staff at the newly built North Glasgow College in Springburn, Glasgow are set to benefit from market-leading ALUGLAZE® insulation panels fabricated and supplied by Panel Systems Ltd.

Local architects RMJM specified over 560m² of aluminium infill panels on the new college building. The aluminum faces of the panels were finished in natural silver anodising to give the building an iconic and contemporary look. Another major factor in specifying the panels was the fact that they provide extremely high levels of insulation, enabling the building to achieve strict sustainability requirements. I AM, LITERALLY, LOVING THIS!

ALUGLAZE® from Panel Systems consists of polyester powder-coated aluminium facing bonded to an insulating core of Styrofoam. Panel Systems worked closely with Solaglas Contracting to incorporate the panel design into their glazing system to create a truly stunning visual effect - Panel Systems supplied a projecting tray formed Aluglaze panel, which enabled the outside face of the panel to sit flush with the window system. THIS IS AMAZING STUFF!

This method of cladding is becoming a key element of many high profile city centre projects where aesthetics and thermal performance are paramount. ALUGLAZE® was therefore the perfect choice for this prestigious development HA! as it enabled the college to create a modern and comfortable learning environment that also met the highest levels of thermal performance. I'M BORED NOW :(

Jim Moultire, Senior Project Manager for Solaglas Contracting, explains: "BLAHBLAHBLAHBLAHBLAHBLAH."

It was important that the building met the relevant U-values to ensure thermal performance and energy efficiency, in line with latest regulations. INNIT! As a material with low density and low thermal conductivity, Styrofoam is excellent at providing buildings with OH WHATEVA, YEAH?

Tuesday, 14 October 2008

Who Fancies Joining Me In "Throttling Death By The Neck" For A Bit?

Sound the Dreadful PR Alarm - here comes another one. This just in from a senior LiS reporter right there at the scene of the awfulness:

Sometimes I sit at my desk and wonder what it could have been that killed and eviscerated and covered in boiling oil my once fine and true passion for music journalism. Then I'll get a message like this, and I'll go "Oh", and make an expression with my face like this.

I mean, I don't blame this PR in particular, he's just doing what they generally do, but, by God it's like the entire industry has had its imagination yanked out through its nose by one of those Egyptian hooks.


---------- Forwarded message ----------
From: Joe Gamp [joe@outpostmedia.co.uk]
Date: 2008/10/9

Hi there!

I just wanted to check if you have received the new Death Of The Neighbourhood album in your postbox as yet? It's the new project from Stephen Jones AKA Babybird.

Death of the Neighbourhood is an electronic punk album, a two chord manic messianic monster throttling death by the neck before giving it the kiss of life and making MUSIC, "the most beautiful fucking thing in the goddamn world". Expect skewed, grizzly hip hop beats with a harsh, punk-rock ethic, and plenty of critical observations about the death of the community, and the embrace of a scary, new world. Let me know what you think and whether you would be happy to put this on your lovely website in any way
______






PS: I have heard this record and it is so bad I actually yanked it out of the CD player and broke it in half. True story...

Monday, 13 October 2008

Who's For Some "Amazing Perfection"?

In these times of sniping and nit-picking, it's heartening to receive a press release that's just really badly written yet still full of wonderful self-importance.

Friday, 10 October 2008

Literally, Who Cares (Again)?

I'm all for "extreme censorship" if only it means we won't have to suffer nonsense like this that gets fwd'd to every person on the planet with an email address. Or, as a senior LiS reporter has it:

So, bloke we have never heard of can't wear t-shirt about an election we can't vote on, on TV programme we can't watch! Thank goodness he stuck it to the man and got round this 'extreme censorship' by wearing another crappy t-shirt and getting a half-wit PR to forward it around Britain. Good work!

---FORWARDED MESSAGE
FROM: Nita Keeler/Gold Star [nita@goldstarpr.com]
DATE: 09/10/08
SUBJECT: No Age vs. CBS

------ Forwarded Message
From: Randy Randall / NO AGE
Date: Wed, 8 Oct 2008 01:16:40 -0700 (PDT)
Subject: No Age vs. CBS

Hello All,
I apologize for mass email but I feel that it is important to get this out to as many people as possible. I have recently come under what can only be called extreme censorship. On Oct 2nd No Age was scheduled to perform on the Late Late show with Craig Ferguson, to be broadcasted on CBS later this month. I felt it was important to voice my choice for presidential candidate, Barack Obama HEY! THE GUY FROM NO AGE IS GUNNING FOR OB! SOMEONE TELL PALIN! IT'S ALL OVER!, seeing as the episode would air 8 days before election d... BLAHBLAHBLAH ... however there there is a doctrine of fairness that former President Ronald Reagan and current president George W Bush supported the repeal of in order to allow themselves BLAHBLAHBLAHBLAH... are not seen nearly as much as Obama and McCain. I had to look at what I was up against and with 5 minutes before we were supposed to shoot I had only a hand full of options. I could either A) walk away from the show and decline from appearing on the show, or B) change my T-shirt OH WHAT TO DO! My first choice was A. However, after talking way past the 5 minute mark, Dean and I decided that it would be better to take advantage of the stage we had at our disposal. I decided to make an appeal for "MESSAGE DELETED" on my T-shirt seeing as I was unable to voice my support for BLAHBLAHBLAH CBS didn't want No Age to go topless. They're keeping that for the spring break special AMAZING. No, this was because, the CBS person said, the Obama shirt was on-air editorializing -- a possible violation of some FCC PLEASE STOP WRITING NOW, PEOPLE ARE SCREAMING IN AGONY, but neither No Age nor their people at Sub Pop were aware of the Fairness Doctrine's long-ago demise.CBS took advantage of this to push No Age into a corner: either cover up the word "Obama" or don't appear on the MESSAGE DELETED," the band played, and the show will, apparently, air. OH JESUS, OK! STOP BANGING ON ABOUT IT... BLAHBAHBLAHBLAH Time is running out. GOOD!

Thursday, 9 October 2008

Leave Me Alone!

This just in from an LiS operative in the field:
LiS, it's not just the fact that I live in a different continent that makes this semi-spam so depressingly pointless. More pertinently it's simply viewing the list of obviously corporatised rock-holes that this dashingly versatile muso (I've never heard of) is playing that physically slows the heartrate. How could anyone find pleasure attending a "show" at "The Beatles Revolution Lounge, Las Vegas"? Awful...

-----Original Message-----
From: Sandee Gardner [sandee@freshcleanmedia.com]
Sent: Wed, 8 Oct 2008 5:19 pm
Subject: INCUBUS BASSIST BEN KENNEY EMBARKS ON SOLO WINTER TOUR

For Immediate Release
October 8, 2008

INCUBUS BASSIST BEN KENNEY EMBARKS ON SOLO WINTER TOUR

THIRD SOLO ALBUM, "NAME DELETED",
AVAILABLE ON iTUNES
While Southern California rock band Incubus take a brief hiatus, bassist Ben Kenney is heading out on the road in support of his solo effort, "NAME DELETED. The tour will make stops in Austin, New York, Cleveland and Las Vegas before winding up in Los Angeles at the House of Blues Sunset.

Released earlier this year, "NAME DELETED" is a DIY project in every sense of the word. Every track on the album was written, produced, engineered, mixed and performed by Ben Kenney alone. The multi-instrumentalist also packaged and distributed the album himself through his own company, Ghetto Crush Industries.

A video created for the song “NAME DELETED” showcases the many talents of Ben Kenney – guitar, bass, drums, vocals - not to mention the fact that he directed and shot it himself. Distance and Comfort is currently available at iTunes and GhettoCrush.com.
Ben Kenney played guitar for the hip-hop group The Roots before joining Incubus in 2003. He has also done studio work with Justin Timberlake, Erykah Badu, Faith Evans and producers Timbaland, DJ Jazzy Jeff, Scott Storch and ?uestlove.

BEN KENNEY TOUR DATES

Nov 2 Dallas, TX Pontiac Garage
Nov 3 Austin, TX Emo’s
Nov 6 Pontiac, MI Eagle Theatre
Nov 7 Pittsburgh, PA Strummers
Nov 9 Washington, DC The Black Cat
Nov 10 Annapolis, MD Ram’s Head
Nov 11 New York, NY The Blender Theatre
Nov 12 Boston, MA Hard Rock Cavern Club
Nov 14 Northampton, MA Pearl Street
Nov 15 Portland, ME The Asylum
Nov 17 Hoboken, NJ Maxwell’s
Nov 18 Cleveland, OH Grog Shop
Nov 20 Denver, CO Walnut Room
Nov 22 Scottsdale, AZ Martini Ranch
Nov 23 Las Vegas, NV The Beatles Revolution Lounge
Nov 24 San Diego, CA House of Blues
Nov 25 Hollywood, CA House of Blues

For more information, please contact:
Sandee Gardner-Fenton

Wednesday, 8 October 2008

Guess What? "A woman’s brain and personality really do matter..."

I'm going to hand you straight over to a senior LiS correspondent on the scene of yet another, truly horrendous PR pile-up...

There are so many things wrong with this press release, but I’m finding it difficult to articulate myself coherently because I’m so angry. I’ll try, though:

Firstly, it was released less than four hours after our economy took what is arguably its worst hit in recent history; secondly, I’m a business journalist, so why in god’s name would I give two shits about the subject matter; and thirdly, it is ridiculously, painfully, indescribably misogynistic. I don’t want to go on and on about the sisterhood but seriously, Penny Lukats? I would rather quit my job, cut out my own ovaries, fry them up, arrange them with some seasonal vegetables and present them to my boss with a little flag sticking out saying ‘Germaine Greer says NO’ than allow anyone to know that I had played any part in the compiling, writing up or sending out of this ‘survey’.

Anyway, sorry to seem ranty but there you go. I normally laugh at this kind of thing but it’s made me really angry.

Ps. Just realised I didn’t make any reference to the sentence ‘Great news for honest, funny and bright women of every shape and size’. Silly sentence.

----FORWARDED MESSAGE
From: Penny Lukats [Penny.Lukats@parship.co.uk]
Sent: 08 October 2008 10:54
To: Penny Lukats
Subject: ONE IN THREE BRITISH MEN FIND 34E TOO MUCH OF A HANDFUL

Hi,
Please find below our latest research press release on breast size. Apparently one third of men prefer women with smaller breasts. But it’s not naturally voluptuous woman who are turning off men in their thousands, men are running scared at the prospect of dating a woman with gravity-defying surgically enhanced breasts.

If you would like further information, comment from our expert Dr Thalasis, or case studies, just let me know.

Best,

Penny Lukats
PARSHIP.com

ONE IN THREE BRITISH MEN FIND 34E TOO MUCH OF A HANDFUL

Majority of men prefer the boyish figure of Keira Knightley to the over-enhanced curves of Pamela Anderson.

With the average bra-size now ballooning from a 34B (Anna Kournikova) ten years ago to a 34E (Kelly Brook) in 2008*, you’d think that most single men would be in seventh heaven – but not so according to a new survey by PARSHIP.com Europe’s largest serious online matchmaking service. When it comes to relationships, 31% of single men would prefer not to try getting closer to a busty woman, so anything above a “D” cup will reduce a woman’s chances of finding a partner by as much as a third.

A survey of 13,000 singles across Europe by the dating firm PARSHIP.com revealed that one in ten (9%) single British men find big breasts a real turn-off and one in five (22%) say they would just barely consider dating anyone above a “D” cup, so 34E is off their scale.


But it’s not naturally voluptuous woman who are turning off men in their thousands. Like George Clooney, who is rumored to have ended his relationship with Sarah Larson following her breast enlargement, men are running scared at the prospect of dating a woman with gravity-defying surgically enhanced breasts. So much so that 27% of men say they prefer the boyish figure and flat chest of a Keira Knightley to the over-enhanced curves of Pamela Anderson.

But British singles aren’t completely against all surgical ‘enhancement’, it’s just a matter of less is more. According to PARSHIP.com, 51% of men and 56% of women would not consider dating someone showing obvious evidence of plastic surgery. So while a nose job doesn’t necessarily have to be a date-stopper, an in-yer-face boob job could halve your chances of getting a date.

Dr Nafsika Thalassis, PARSHIP’s singles coach, commented:
“These results show that there is a considerable disparity between what women think men find attractive and the truth of the matter. We are often told that both men and women are spending increasing amounts of money on their appearance but, even though we expect our partners to be well-groomed, it seems that many of us draw the line at dating people with surgical implants. It also raises the question of why so many people opt for plastic surgery. Frequently, women say that they want to increase their breast size in order to improve their own self-confidence rather than because they want to attract men. In reality, however, would they go ahead with the procedure if they knew it was likely to turn off lots of men? After all there is nothing confidence-boosting about having a surgical procedure that makes you less attractive to the opposite sex.”

Bigger-breasted women would do well to go further towards the Arctic Circle where things really look up for DD-plus girls. Of the 6,500 men surveyed in 13 different countries for PARSHIP, the Norwegians proved readiest to embrace the larger breast, with just 1% finding it a turn-off. In neighbouring Sweden, 81% of single men would be happy to see their cup overflow, although – in typically egalitarian fashion – they are also most likely to go for small breasts, with 82% giving flatter contours the thumbs-up. Go West, however, and you’ll find that the Irish are modest in their expectations, with 15% of men saying they would never date a woman with breasts on the larger side.

It’s not all about fleshy appendages with British men, though. A woman’s brain and personality really do matter. Good looks are of course highly valued by the majority of men (52%) but they trail behind other qualities such as: honesty (91%), fidelity (79%), a sense of humour (79%) and intelligence (74%). Great news for honest, funny and bright women of every shape and size.

Tuesday, 7 October 2008

Christ On A Bike

This is making me feel poorly :(

Kill. Me. Now. Or them. I'm not arsed which just, please, make it stop...

----- Forwarded on 07/10/08 10:59 am -----
"Paul Drury" [Paul.Drury@ideageneration.co.uk] Subject: Cycle Tribes Officially Defined - 2008 Sees Dawn of Credit Crunch Crawler

Hello there,

Please see attached for a press release defining Cycling Tribes. Images and interviews with a Credit Crunch Crawler and other tribe examples are available upon request.

Best,

Paul Drury.

***Embargoed until Wednesday October 8th***
Credit Crunch Crawlers are UK’s Fastest Growing Cycling Tribe

Tribes of Cycling Defined for the First Time
**Cycle 08 takes place at Earls Court, London, on 10-12 October**

The tribes of cycling have been defined for the first time by the experts and exhibitors involved with this week’s Cycle 08 show - taking place at Earls Court from October 9-12 – and it is the new tribe of Credit Crunch Crawlers that is the fastest growing tribe in the country.

From the BMX Bandits of London’s South Bank, to the Off-Road Enthusiasts of the Peak District to the Saturday Shoppers of the Portobello Road Market and all those in between, the report offers a fascinating study into the cycling landscape in the UK today.

However it is the imminent recession and people tightening their belts around the UK that has meant the new tribe of Credit Crunch Crawler is the quickest growing tribe on two wheels, according to the experts organising, attending and exhibiting at Cycle 08 – the UK’s biggest consumer cycle exhibition.

The study found each tribe had clearly defined characteristics – preferred place of shopping, reading material and internet surfing habits - making each tribe unique.

And the study, which was conducted through looking at the demographics of people registering to attend the event and produced by Cycle 08, also reveals which tribes dominate which areas of London, each tribe having a ‘habitat’ it likes to call home.

Monday, 6 October 2008

"Pneumatic monsters" and "Heavy Hors D' oeuvres"

Our friends at Manhattan Media again here. Sometimes you read things that really make you think, "Blimey, Americans are quite different to us, aren't they?" This is definitely one of those things. I have three or four hazy memories of what historians are now referring to as "The Rave Years" and so I remember hyper-inflated claims for parties. But I never remember anyone making a fuss about giant trees or complimentary parking. Maybe I was too busy wondering about flower-strobes and water-cooled PA systems to notice? Someone ought to tell Manhattan Media that a "frightful experience" is a bad thing (especially for $1000) - and why would anyone want a "heavy" hors d'ouvres? As an LiS reader has it:

These things are begining to look like parody. We finally discover why there's never an apostrophe - because of ascii confusion - and, sadly, the attempt at one in 'Frankenstein's' is a real shame. That sentence is odd - they're formally known as Oompa Loompas at Kandyland. Did they get laid off, sorry, sacked? Are they moonlighting? The writer also seems to think that all old buildings are spooky and that Gothic, Tudor and Medieval are all basically the same architectural style. Now that really is scary.

-----Original Message-----
From: Manhattan Media [mailto:manhattanmedia212@gmail.com]
Sent: 03 October 2008 19:16
Subject: Media Alert:: PLAYBOY MANSION EVENT Hes doing it again!!!
Contact: RJ ROMERO of Manhattan Media

NEW YORK CITY
He’s doing it again!!!

NYC Nightlife kingpin JE Englebert is officially announcing his next big event Halloween Night, Friday October 31, 2008 at the Playboy Mansion, Los Angeles California

It will be the single most remarkable Halloween event in the nation….

The Playboy Mansion is the ideal location for this legendary frightful experience. It's a Gothic-Tudor style mansion (medieval castle vibe) sitting on over 5 acres of land with one of the largest private collections of giant trees in the country. This means it's the ultimate spooky mansion where you can trek around the vast grounds all night while running into goblins, ghouls, ghosts and of course the world's most beautiful women letting out shrieks as they cling to your side!

Aside from hiring over 100 actors to run around as creepy creatures, there will also be some of Hollywood's top set designers and scare experts to construct multiple graveyards and an extraordinary haunted house filled with butchers, dead people, skeletons, zombies, mummies, witches, trolls, robotic monsters and mini Frankenstein’s (formerly known as Oompa Loompas @ Kandyland).

Advanced Tickets are now on sale for $1000 which includes admission into one of the scariest haunted houses in the nation, with Pneumatic monsters and ghouls, hand-picked Kandy Girls in sexy costumes, complimentary parking, shuttle to the Playboy Mansion, entertainment, DJ’s, heavy hors d' oeuvres, dinner, dessert and open bar.

Come treat yourself this Halloween to the sickest Halloween party in the country PERIOD! Halloween Night, October 31, 2008! at the Playboy Mansion Los Angeles
California

Friday, 3 October 2008

Have I Got Booze For You?

No I haven't, not anymore, not now "John JE Englebert" has decided that he doesn't want people drinking too much despite the fact that, according to this press release, "In Mr Engleberts clubs alone alcohol drinking is up over 30 percent since the Wall Street crash...". No booze or apostrophes - nice! Make of that what you will. Or, as an LiS reader has it:

I've no idea why Manhattan Media decided I'd be interested in this since all I ever write about on my blog is Liverpool, films and art galleries. Anyway, hey-ho. I should quite like this because it somehow skillfully manages to work in the Perez Hilton holy trinity and excessively describes them as "walking time bombs", whilst miraculously hanging it off Locklear's DWI, though in reality I hate it because it sounds like, at best, a page thirty "exclusive" in the Daily Mail. The sentiment's laudable but it's so sanctimonious. Plus, whoever wrote it can't seem to find the apostrophe on the keyboard.

-----Original Message-----
From: Manhattan Media [mailto:manhattanmedia212@gmail.com]
Sent: 01 October 2008 16:28
Subject: FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE ::: HEATHER LOCKLEAR'S DWI ARREST INSPIRES NEW ORGANIZATION

CONTACT: Jeff Davis
Email: manhattanmedia212@gmail.com

75TH ANNIVERSARY OF END OF PROHIBITION APROACHES

NEW ORGANIZATION IS FORMED NABC "NYC NIGHT CLUBS AGAINST BOTTLE SERVICE"
New York City nightlife entrepreneur and owner John JE Englebert is reaching out to nightclubs and lounges across the Big Apple to put an end to bottle service which contributes to high abuse of alcohol in the city that never sleeps GREAT OPENER.

The recent DWI arrest of actress Heather Locklear has inspired Mr Englebert a former friend of Locklear whom she met in the VIP room of the infamous Club USA decades ago when JE worked for the Peter Gatien empire EH?. Club USA was one of the largest nightclubs in NYC history. This latest arrest with other DWIs in the last year from other stars including Paris Hilton, Lindsay Lohan and Britney Spears are all arrests due to alcohol abuse.

According to JE, celebs and party girls like Lindsay, Britney and Paris are role models for girls all over the world but are becoming walking time bombs BRILLIANT!, drinking excessively at VIP tables in nightclubs, bars and lounges supplied by bottle service. "I care about my customer's health, safety and well being like my own family but no one wants to give up the huge profits and money made by the sale of the bottled spirits. If its HE MEANS "IT'S" in front of you, you will drink it.'

The recent Wall Street meltdown will cause sad times in the financial capital of the world, Manhattan INNIT :(. More alcohol is usually consumed when times are tough. In Mr Engleberts HE MEANS ENGLEBERT'S clubs alone alcohol drinking is up over 30 percent since the Wall Street crash. JE will replace any bottle of alcohol for a liter of Coke, Pepsi or Water HE MEANS "water" free of charge, if he feels the customer has partied too much SO GENEROUS.

CONTACT: Jeff Davis
Email: manhattanmedia212@gmail.com

Englebert is accepting interview requests

Wednesday, 1 October 2008

Are You "Shot Through With Melancholia"?

I wasn't before, but I am after reading this twaddle. Or, as an LiS reader has it:
Oooh! Slagging 'Chris Fucking Martin' - how bold! That's a controversial position to take because everyone knows stuff is only ever good because other stuff is shit by direct comparison (however tenuous).

Sigh.

---------- Forwarded message ----------
From: Bill Cummings [soundandvisionpr@googlemail.com]
Date: 2008/10/1
Subject: Matt Finucane releases debut solo EP, and free downloads on 20/10/08

Matt Finucane releases his debut solo EP through Light Crude recordings on the 20th of October 2008. It will be preceded by the free download single, and much talked about IT'S TRUE - WE'VE ALL BEEN BANGING ON ABOUT THAT DOWN, LITERALLY, THE PUB track, 'Kafka Song' released through Sound And Vision downloads. And backed by the equally gratis b-side 'What Comes Next.' HOW CAN YOU "BACK" A DOWNLOAD?

Londoner Matt Finucane writes but his main activity is his music: he's a man with wild visions to share with you. OH, RILLY?

One man with a guitar, rudimentary electronic effects, reverb, distortion and a deep distrust of the traditional singer songwriter tag. His sound is shot through with melancholia, his love of Lou Reed's Berlin (ONE OF THE WORST RECORDS EVER), his attempts to clamber in the head of HE MEANS "INTO THE HEAD OF" literary icons, and the darkness of his late night adventures at the bottom of a bottle MOODY - I LIKE IT!

After lurking on the underbelly of the capital's music scene, he felt like stretching himself seeing if he could do something different with the hackneyed idea of one man and a guitar CLUE: HE CAN'T. Matt doesn't care what you think of him, his work is experimental and uncompromisingly personal TRANS: CRAP but that's what makes his music so addictive. On stage he creates an intense yet hypnotic atmosphere.

A watchable baddy, spilling out dark tales. He's no Chris Fucking Martin IE, SOMEONE WHO WRITES SONGS THAT PEOPLE ACTUALLY LIKE.

The free downloads will expire after six weeks, when Matt's EP will be avaliable HE MEANS "AVAILABLE" on Itunes HE MEANS iTunes.
ENDS

Peet And Duds

Can you "attack back"? How does that work? Have you ever come across a clumsier close to a sentence than, "... after her comments in a recent magazine interview, where she called parents who choose not to vaccinate their children, parasites in an upcoming issue of Spectrum Magazine."? Exactly how big a number is a "thousdand"? If I was the CEO of Autism United I'd be asking "Big Apple Communications" all these questions and, literally, more. As an LiS reader has it:

Seconds out, round two. When I first glanced at this I actually imagined Jenny punching Mandy, for real. Isn't asking people not to rent Saving Silverman or Identity going to hurt Blockbuster more than strike a blow for whatever this is sort of about?

-----Original Message-----
From: Autism United C/O Big Apple Communications [mailto:bigapplecommunications@gmail.com]
Sent: 30 September 2008 13:03
Subject: Actress Jenny McCarthy Takes A Swing At Actress Amanda Peet

contact Sid Schwartz 212-564-4692

ACTRESS AND ADVOCATE JENNY McCARTHY TAKES SWING AT ACTRESS AMANDA PEET AFTER CALLING PARENTS 'PARASITES'

NATIONAL AUTISM ADVOCACY GROUP CALLS FOR BOYCOTT OF PEET'S MOVIES

New York, NY, Jenny McCarthy is attacking back against actress Amanda Peet after her comments in a recent magazine interview, where she called parents who choose not to vaccinate their children, parasites in an upcoming issue of Spectrum Magazine.
Even after Amanda apologized for her comments, Jenny is taking pride in being called a parasite and defending the autism community. In Spectrum's October/ November issue Jenny says, "she has a lot of balls to come forward and be on that side, because there is an angry mob on my side, I like the fact that I can say she's completely wrong.''
Jenny a mother of a recovered autistic child has recently led a rally of thousdands with Jim Carrey in Washington DC, this past summer, calling for the Federal Government to clean vaccines of all toxins and to change a loaded schedule that leads to the cause of autism. There are over 5000 cases of parents suing the government for improper immunization of children.
Doctors across the the nation are going after Jenny McCarthy's crusade. According to Spectrum, The American Association of Pediatrics (AAP) put a nationwide casting call looking for a spokesperson to combat Jenny. Jenny has been gaining world wide media attention fighting against what she deems, unsafe vaccines. Amanda Peet agreed to be a spokesperson for Ever Child By Two (ECBT) because she was concerned about the information circulating throughout Hollywood .
According to Jenny "Until she walks in our shoes she has no idea?? referring to Amanda Peet. She also says that the AAP "sucks".
National Autism Advocacy Group, Autism United, is calling for a boycott of all of Amanda Peet's movies. "We want to send a clear message to her," says Executive Director, John Gilmore. "Our community will not support the continued misinformation that is funneled into the media by organizations like ECBT and the AAP. We are not against vaccines, rather we are for safe vaccines. Until they understand that, we won't back down. Ms. Peet's comments are deplorable and an apology will not suffice. We applaud Jenny McCarthy's continued efforts and for speaking up for our community."

Monday, 29 September 2008

Does She Mean Revered?

Is it TOO MUCH TO ASK to just get the band's name right in the first pigging line of the press release?

Friday, 26 September 2008

Black Country Mocked

I am passing you straight over to a senior LiS reporter at the scene of a horrendous PR pile-up:

This is just staggeringly bad, poorly thought-through, stupid and otherwise utter, slavishly Nathan Barley-esque codswallop.

1. It's not news. News is about events, not perceptions.
2. If "local pride sees each region voting its own accent as the coolest", logic therefore suggests that almost no-one in the West Midlands voted in this lamentable "poll"
3. More respondants ticked "other/don't know" than ticked "Queen's English". Surely that only proves that no-one knows what the coolest accent is.
4. There is absolutely no doubt that residents of the West Midlands are mortally wounded by this "kick in the teeth" administered by a bunch of fixed-gear-riding durr-brains based off Redchurch Street in Shoreditch.
5. There is absolutely zero value in proving that something is not in vogue. Hailstorms, Burger King, tapestry, nitrogen dioxide and Pitt The younger are not in vogue either. This is not news, or even remotely interesting.

Memo to IDG - please stop "generating" "ideas" such as this and go work in the fields instead. You would be of far more use there, if only as fertiliser.


------
FORWARDED MESSAGE
From: "Anna Hartley" [annah@ideageneration.co.uk]
Date: 24 September 2008 09:16:24 BDT
Subject: Brummy is the least cool accent - CoolBrands 2008 proves West Midland twang is not in vogue

**Full CoolBrands list will be announced September 29th**

- CoolBrands 2008 survey reveals Brummy accent is considered least cool
- “Howay the lads” as Geordie accent is voted most cool regional English accent
- And local pride sees each region voting its own accent as the coolest

The Brummy accent has been voted the least cool accent by a CoolBrands poll of more than 2,000 members of the British public – a ‘kick in the teeth’ for the people of the West Midlands. This latest survey is the first comprehensive look into what accents people see as cool – and just 2% of respondents in the study thought Brummy was the coolest accent.

The Queen’s English (received pronunciation) was named as the top accent, with 20% of respondents tipping the classic, traditional and upper-class accent as the coolest – showing that having no strong regional accent is the coolest way to speak.

The Scottish accent was named as the UK’s second coolest accent with 12% naming it as the coolest and it’s great news for the Geordie nation because the North East’s distinctive accent was named as England’s coolest.

Cool Accents 2008 / 09

· Queen’s English, 20%

· Scottish, 12%

· Geordie, 9%

· Yorkshire, 7%

· Cockney, 7%

· Northern Irish, 6%

· Welsh, 5%

· Scouse, 4%

· Mancunian, 4%

· West Country, 3%

· Brummy, 2%

· Other/Don’t Know, 21%

FOR FURTHER DETAILS PLEASE SEE THE ATTACHED PRESS RELEASE
Contacts

Anna Hartley: annah@ideageneration.co.uk
Daniel Lipman: daniel.lipman@ideageneration.co.uk

Thursday, 25 September 2008

What's The Film Called Again?

Is expecting the person you've employed to promote your multi-million dollar movie to get the name of said hack-fest right too much to ask? Well, in this case, clearly yes. Thanks to a reader in a large city in Central England for this...
(EDITED: Thanks Lew)

--Forwarded Message
From: Margaret Murray [Margaret@fmguk.com]
Date: 22 September 2008
Subject: FILM PRODUCER AVAILABLE FOR INTERVIEWS IN BIRMINGHAM AHEAD OF LONDON PREMIER

Ahead of the UK Film Premier in London next Wednesday and Birmingham Charity Gala the following week, INTANDEM CEO and Executive Producer GARY SMITH of “How to Loose Friends SHE MEANS "LOSE" and Influence SHE MEANS "ALIENATE" People” will be available for interviews to on Wednesday 24th September 2008 in Birmingham.

To book an interview slot with Gary please email:Margaret@fmguk.com

I Don't Know What This Means...

Wednesday, 24 September 2008

Finally! The Les McKeown "Sex" Party We've All Been Waiting For!

This just in from an LiS reader on the "inside":

I promised myself I would stop sending press releases to Lost in Showbiz. And then this absolute monstrosity came in...

From: Emilee Alexson [mailto:emilee@alexsonpr.com]
Sent: 23 September 2008 15:04
To: 'Emilee Alexson'
Subject: 'Carry On' Sex Party - The Ultimate HumanHi.com - Les McKeown and his Legendary SHE MEANS "legendary" BAY CITY ROLLERS Private Concert


Wednesday 1st October – Dolce, 10 Air Street – 8pm - Late

HumanHi.com and OK! Magazine bring the 4th part of a year long campaign to feel good about yourself to the first 6* Nightclub in London Dolce THIS BIT IS MEANINGLESS.

‘Roller mania’ is back in London NO IT ISN'T with a private concert from the UK’s Original Boy band, Les McKeown and his legendary BAY CITY ROLLERS one of the highest selling acts of 1975 ONE OF THE GREAT RUBBISH FACTS OF ALL TIME THERE, hot new electro girl band The Bangbangs WHO?and rapper 10shot DOUBLE WHO?the evening is set to make history NO IT ISN'T (AGAIN).

Following the past, eccentric themes of Botox Barbie and Tropical, what is more of a Human Hi than ‘Carry On’ Sex! With a mix of celebrities and fun and frisky surprises, from sex toys from We-Vibe to sexy outfits, the photo opportunities are endless KILL. ME. NOW.

If you were around in the 1970s, you won’t be able to forget ‘Rollermania’, the craziness that could erupt with just a mention of the Bay City Rollers’ name. It even out-did the infamous Beatles mania SHE MEANS "BEATLEMANIA", OBV, a top promoter (THIS BIT IS BALLS) has said: "I was in the road crew for the Beatles. But I have never seen anything like this Rollermania." At the very centre of this hysteria, was Les McKeown who became the band’s lead singer in 1973 when he was just 18-years-old. Within two years, he shot to worldwide fame, graced the pages of countless magazines and was the subject of almost every teen girl’s dreams.

The Director of HumanHi is ‘Real Life Barbie’ Sarah Burge She’s British upper class, outspoken, demanding, gorgeously wacky and totally plastic apart from the boobs. She has appeared on TV and Radio around the world and now she’s boarding a plane to the USA EH?. In the UK she was on morning TV’s most popular programmes GMTV and This Morning as well as a variety of other prime time terrestrial TV programmes such as Channel 4’s Richard & Judy and Celebrity Ding Dong OH DEAR :(. She has become a cult figure in Japan after her “Life as Barbie” docudrama was broadcast to 14 million viewers on Japan’s largest national television network Nipon TV – and now she needs bodyguards to hold back the crowds when she visits Japan KEEP GOING, NEARLY THERE! Sarah is without any doubt Super Woman “Pass me the Radiesse, where’s the Bollinger Darling?”! I DON'T KNOW WHAT THIS MEANS EITHER, SORRY

Emilee Alexson
Emilee@alexsonpr.com

Tuesday, 23 September 2008

Now Wash Your Mind

Have you, like me, been waiting for a fresh new take on the PostSecret "phenomenon"? Well, aren't we the lucky little buggers then, as now we have Artintimity, an idea that involves you sitting on the thunderbox and drawing something "pithy" before sending the result to an hilarious website. But before you get too - ahem - bogged down in the details, ask yourself this (preferably without screaming), "What is the point? Why, outside of some monstrous desire to waste even more of my already short life on nonsensical fripperies than I already do, should I even consider this? Why even look at the website? For the love of God, who cares?" Or, as an LiS regular has it:

"This is all free, of course". Free, yes, but also mental.

From: emilie d [mailto:emiliesonny@gmail.com]
Sent: 18 September 2008 09:11
Subject: News release (Blogosphere)

Hi,

There's probably no where SHE MEANS "NOWHERE" you're most SHE MEANS "MORE"alone than in the privacy of a toilet stall, or so goes the theory behind the oddly named new startup, Artintimity.

Artintimity offers a new take on the PostSecret phenomenon OH GOOD and that new take involves toilet paper. Seriously. So, if you happen to be alone in a stall, you might as well take a moment to draw your thoughts together, scrawl something poetic on the toilet paper beside you, kindly take a picture of it, and, finally, when you've got the chance, THIS SENTENCE IS MAKING MY HEAD HURT email it to Artintimity. You'll feel relieved. This is all free, of course.

If you don't feel like sharing your secrets on toilet paper, feel free to browse the thoughts of those who did in Artintimity's archives. Or wait for the personalized line of toilet paper that's coming soon.

Learn more about this new project at www.artintimity.com

Best wishes,

Emilie Sonny

Friday, 19 September 2008

Spell Check Classic: Over Priced Water Edition

If I was the person responsible for punting Ramsay Water then I'd make double sure that I know the difference between "palate" and "pallet". Or maybe the whole EURO RSCG crew live for bollockings? As an LiS reader has it:

What exactly is on those foodie "pallets" that need cleansing by this ridiculous water? 10 kilos of Oscietra and a kracking kase of Krug 4 Krimbo?

Forwarded Message----
From: EURO RSCG Biss Lancaster
Subject: Make It An Ice-Clear Christmas with Isklar

Make It An Ice-Clear Christmas with Iskla. This year, develop a taste (and thirst) for Christmas with highly acclaimed chef Gordon Ramsay and Norwegian glacial natural mineral water, Isklar.

Isklar – meaning Ice-Clear in Norwegian – is the official water sponsor of Gordon Ramsay Presents Taste of Christmas, a fresh and innovative take on the food and drink exhibition formula, running from the 4th – 7th December at London’s ExCel arena.

The four-day event will see Isklar cleansing the pallets OH DEAR OH DEAR OH DEAR :((( of the most discerning food enthusiasts, as they sample an array of gastronomic delights. Ten of London’s finest restaurants will serve a selection of specially prepared signature dishes for visitors to taste. Live cookery demonstrations from Ramsay and special guests will ensure the anticipated 25,000 visitors will be serving up a lavish Christmas at BLAHBLAHBLAH...

"The ultimate toy that adults will want to play with..."

Yes, quite... This just in from an LiS reader sat in an agreeable office space in central London:

Because "adult toy" couldn't possibly have any other meaning now, could it?

Forwarded Message----
From: Robin Britten [mailto:robin@britten.f2s.com]
Sent: 17 September 2008 11:22
Subject: Best adult toy of 2008?

BEST ADULT TOYS FOR CHRISTMAS 2008.

One of the world’s most exciting online toy shops has snapped up the exclusive UK rights to what it thinks will be a sure-fire winner this Christmas. “The FunFlyStick is the ultimate toy that adults will want to play with,” says former BBC science producer Hendrik Ball, who set up Grand Illusions a decade ago with world-renowned toy collector Tim Rowett.

The ”magic” of the FunFlyStick is holding in your hand a wand that can levitate and then control the movement of a metallic shape in mid-air ...... Move over Harry Potter! Its Russian inventors offered it to Grand Illusions after they recognised Tim at the New York Toy Fair. “The scientists who invented it are bristling with Ph.D.s. It’s only their second toy ... it’s really very flattering they’ve offered it to us,” said Hendrik.

Tuesday, 16 September 2008

Team Player

Memo to Lucy at Think Espionage. We're not on your "team" - we're the opposition...



Monday, 15 September 2008

Snow Isn't Falling, All Around, Children Aren't Singing, Or Having Fun...

I'll tell you what, the weekend was a bit hot, wasn't it? Especially when you consider that - hello! - according to Shani Shaker at JCPR it's The Festive Season already! Or, as a reader sat deep within the bowels of a globally feared media organisation has it:

It's September 15! It's not Christmas! Even the High Street shops don't claim it's actually Christmas yet and they are total bastards. Christ on a bloody sledge!

From: "Shaker, Shani" [Shani_Shaker@jcpr.com]
Subject: Unleash your inner Kitten Vixen

It’s that time of year again…The fairy lights are going up, the mistletoe is strategically placed, fires are crackling, mulled wine is brewing...yes it’s Christmas! More importantly, it’s time to crack out that sparkly dress and shiny shoes because it’s party season! Kitten Vixen’s creative director Geraldine Shaker gives her expert tips on how to achieve siren style glamour this festive season...


Shani Shaker
Account Director

Friday, 12 September 2008

Exclusively Yours

If I printed up a load of flyers advertising my DIY skills (I don't have any, btw) and shoved them through every door in the world, could my offer of help still be said to be "exclusive"? Or, as an LiS reader has it:

If it's exclusive, why is it already on Youtube? And how can it be exclusive if everyone is being offered the same clips?

Begin forwarded message:

From: David Farrer [David.Farrer@shinecom.com]
Date: 12 September 2008 12:41:54 BDT
Subject: Exclusive content including video interviews with: Groove Armada, Beardyman, Krafty Kuts, Filthy Dukes and Evil Nine from 'Bacardi B-Live Presents La Fiesta'

Hi Folks,
Hope you’re well. Thanks to everyone who helped to make last weeks event ‘Bacardi B-Live Presents La Fiesta at SeOne’ such a roaring success! To follow up from this event please find some exclusive video content below and images taken during the event (attached) which include interviews with Groove Armada, Beardyman, Krafty Kuts, Filthy Dukes and Evil Nine.

If this content is of interest to you it would be great if you could help raise awareness by hosting some online. The next B-Live event is in Birmingham on the WHAT HAPPENED HERE? Look forward to hearing from you…

Kind regards,

David
Best of Bacardi B-Live Presents La Fiesta
http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=eLG4V6NbCeU ET-BLOODY-CETERA

Face Off

That credit crunch is a bugger, isn't it? It's bad enough being skint and not being able to sell (or even heat) your house, or afford a much-needed holiday, but imagine being ugly too! That really would be the final straw, wouldn't it? There's something so unpleasant about this press release, it actually makes me want to go and wash my hands (then book some corrective surgery for my revolting face). Really, doesn't the phrase, "Workers are nervous about their future career prospects and are taking steps to make sure they are not overlooked because of their personal appearance" make you ache a bit inside? Or, as an LiS reader has it:

"But sir, why are you making me redundant? Is it because yet another major investment bank has been plunged into turmoil and we no longer have access to vital finance?"

"No."

"Is it because of the pound’s plummeting value against the dollar?"

"No."

"Could it be because of an alleged gaffe made by a senior member of the cabinet regarding the overall state of the British economy?"

"No."

"Then why would you do this to me?"

"It’s because of your slightly red nose."

"Oh." *kills self*

I can only assume consultant vascular surgeon Brian Newman believes employment tribunals do not apply during the credit crunch?

----Forwarded Message
From: Sara Rizk
Sent: 02 September 2008 12:14
Subject: Cosmetic appointments rise in credit crunch

CREDIT crunch workers are undergoing cosmetic treatments over fears their appearance is holding them back at work.

Consultant vascular surgeon Brian Newman, who runs clinics specialising in the minimally-intrusive treatment of spider and vein threads as well as facial redness, said he has seen a surge in patients keen to change their appearance to avoid discrimination.

He added: “Rosacea and thread veins on the face can knock sufferers’ confidence and sadly, there are misconceptions about the cause of face reddening. I’ve treated patients who are worried colleagues will mistake a red nose as a sign of alcoholism and others who are concerned their acne-like rosacea is a sign of poor diet and health."

“In our image conscious times, poor self confidence can hold people back from achieving their full potential at work.”

He said: “Appointments are up by 60 per cent at the Clinics. It has been well documented that people invest in themselves in times of economic instability, and we are definitely seeing evidence of this. Workers are nervous about their future career prospects and are taking steps to make sure they are not overlooked because of their personal appearance.”

ENDS

Wednesday, 10 September 2008

Is This The Most Boring Press Release Of All Time?

This is actually breathtaking in its tediousness. I salute everyone involved just for being able to get out of bed in the morning knowing they're going to have to write this sort of thing and not just throwing themselves under a bus. Or, as an LiS reader perched near the top of a great glass building near the river Thames has it:

To be honest I just feel sorry for the person who wrote this. They literally have one of the worst jobs in the world...






"A Life In Fashion"!

On a scale of one to ten, how little do you want to read a feature on someone called Mark Heyes boldly entitled, A Life In Fashion? This from an LiS reader who points out:

This is grim. However, the "Feature Angles" in themselves are the stuff of poetry.

Begin forwarded message:
From: [jess@brandnation.co.uk]
Date: 8 September 2008 15:56:39 BDT
Subject: Mark Heyes Available for Interview/feature Opportunities

TV STYLIST MARK HEYES GIVES WOMEN CURVES WITH CONFIDENCE WITH NEW LINGERIE BODYTONERS BY ARISTOC…

Mark Heyes has been a successful TV stylist on LK Today and GMTV for the last five years. Now Mark is lending his skills and experience to Aristoc as an ambassador for its all-new range of Bodytoners Lingerie, the pinnacle of sexy shaping and smoothing underwear. An influential fashion stylist and leading industry figure, Mark is on hand to answer all of your questions on styling and also provide ‘insider’ tips on how to accentuate your assets.

Information on Aristoc Bodytoners
AW08 sees Aristoc take its phenomenally successful Bodytoners range one step further with the introduction of Bodytoners Lingerie. This collection uses the latest technology and hi-tech fabrics to deliver slinky, sexy undergarments that smooth away bumps and lumps to give you a shapely feel together with a glamorous look, providing instant shaping results and curves with confidence!

FEATURE ANGLES
•Mark Heyes on Curves - How to define, achieve, embrace and flaunt
• Mark Heyes - Helping women achieve curves with confidence
• Mark Heyes - Working with women
• Mark Heyes – How best to flaunt your figure
• Mark Heyes – Tips on how to look great for the festive season
• Mark Heyes - A life in fashion
• Mark Heyes - The changing shape of the female figure