Thursday, 28 February 2008

Remind Me, Is It A Film Or Is It A, You Know, Chocolate Bar?

You'll have to click on this for the full horror. But, suffice to say, this passed through at least one person from Shine PR and three people from Titan PR before reaching a reader (not in PR) who passed it onto me. Did no one notice they'd got the name of the flaming film wrong in the subject header? Wouldn't that be, you know, the first thing (maybe the only thing), you'd check to make sure you got right?

Great PR Stunts #45034:
Poking Fun At The Mentally Ill

This just in from a reader who writes, "Hello LostinShowbiz, try as I might it's difficult to describe the rage I feel towards this PR for wasting ten precious seconds of my life for this..."

I can see their point. Over long, crushingly badly written ("who is constantly in the news for her drunken ventures", "who is not shy of admitting to liking the odd drink or two himself", "The poll was commissioned, by the Credit Show only a week ago during more news stories stating that Britney is supposedly to have got MAKE THIS RUBBISH STOP! PLEASE!), witless, crappy and in poor taste.

It's a Lost In Showbiz Classic. Well done, Energy PR.

Sent: 28 February 2008 11:20
Subject: Britney Spears - You're Barred: Fed Up Brits Wouldn't Even Lend Britney Money For A Drink!

Britney Spears – You’re barred:
Fed Up Brits Wouldn’t Even Lend Britney Money For A Drink!

The troubled pop star Britney Spears has suffered yet another set back – three quarters of Brits wouldn’t even lend her money to buy a drink in a local pub/bar if she asked them, according to a new poll.

Research by SOME IDIOTS, found that Britney, who is constantly in the news for her drunken ventures, and is at present fighting with lawyers to allow her to visit her kids, is by far and away the least popular of four famous people that voters were asked to say whether they would buy them a drink.

Even loud mouth Radio One IDIOT, who is not shy of admitting to liking the odd drink or two himself, gained more sympathy than Britney – over 5 out of 10 people would lend him money to get another beer in with the thought of AN IDIOT returning the favour.

In fact the exact same number of people that said they would buy AN IDIOT a drink, also OH CHRIST ISN'T IT OVER YET? BLAHBLAHBLALHBLAH the poll was commissioned, by the Credit Show only a week ago during more news stories stating that Britney is supposedly to have got married again, as well as KILL. ME. NOW.

So it appears this is not an issue of trust, but more OUR LIVES ARE TICKING AWAY MINUTE BY MINUTE AND THIS FOOL IS STILL QUACKING ON said they would not buy ANOTHER IDIOT a drink if they didn’t think they’d get one back in return – but that hardened to a whopping *shoots self in head with enormous, terrifying gun*

Wednesday, 27 February 2008

"One Is Too Many And A Thousand Isn't Enough"

I once read an interview with a post-rehab Eric Clapton where he talked about his attitude to drinking. "The idea of one drink for me is fascinating and fantastic," he said. "But it is also an impossibility because one is too many and a thousand isn't enough..."

I thought of his phrase when I read this. Only I changed it slightly to read "The idea of one Clare Teal gig for me is fascinating. But it is also an impossibility, because one is too many and a thousand is even more too many..."

------ Forwarded Message
From: Republic Media
Date: Wed, 27 Feb 2008 12:20:09 -0000
Subject: Clare Teal to Perform 1000th Gig

Clare Teal to Perform 1000th Gig

On March 4th Clare Teal will be performing at the BLAHBLAHBLAH, a gig that will see Clare reaching a personal milestone of 1000 gigs.

Now an acclaimed BLAHBLAHBLAH. "My suggested name was Anorak but I was out-voted!" BLAHBLAHBLAH

Winner of numerous awards including BLAHBLAHBLAH that Britain has produced. February has seen the release of Clare’s new, and eighth, album BLAHBLAHBLAH. "You feel she’s never going to make a mistake”. Currently on tour promoting BLAHBLAHBLAH. "We'll certainly be raising a glass at BLAHBLAHBLAH!"

Oh No! Whatever Shall We Do!

This just in from a lostinshowbiz reader:


Date: 27 February 2008 11:57:47 GMT
Subject: **CORRECTION** FIGHT LIKE APES - The Fly, New Oxford Street W1, Thursday night (28th Feb)


Correction!! - Fight Like Apes headline The Fly, New Oxford Street W1 tomorrow evening (Thursday 28th), not the Barfly as previously announced. Thanks!


I just pray to GOD no one gets those dates mixed up...

Tuesday, 26 February 2008

NUTS Readers Are Tools: OFFICIAL!

NUTS magazine are to be applauded. Not many publications would go to the trouble of actually putting out a press release to announce that their readers were utter, utter fools. But I guess that's the difference with mags that live the life and go the extra mile and all that other horseshit that idiots in adverts for shaving foam come out with.

NUTS asked their readers why - in this leap year - they wouldn't say "Yes!" were their "girlfriends" drunk enough to pop the question on February 29. The results are in and not only are they so piss poor it makes you feel a bit warmer towards both piss and the poor, it also skilfully - and clearly - makes the point that the men concerned, NUTS own readers, are hopelessly adolescent, pant-moisteningly fearful little cretins too frightened of having to speak to a grown-up (10) or bursting into tears like a toddler deprived of a lollipop (4) to think about marriage.

Well done NUTS for confirming what the rest of us already knew. Brave move and I wish you all the best.

Friday, 22 February 2008

Rihanna Must Be SO excited!

First the global supersmash! Then the Grammys! Then the Brits! Now this! Playing with, um, Cable and someone other grotesque mouth-breather at a vomit-flecked tragedy-dungeon situated just off the A1160 in Essex...

From: "Talk Nightclub"
Date: 22 Feb 2008

Happy days!

Thursday, 21 February 2008

This Sounds Good :(

Just read this on a tickets site. I must admit my credit card is still in the wallet...

SUM 41 - The pop punks are playing Brixton Academy on BLAHBLAHBLAH. And tickets are still available. It's bound to be a fun-filled show full of immature antics and lots of catchy choruses.

I'll see you there, OK?

At Last! The 7 CD Toto Set We've Been Waiting For!

This is painful. No one not currently resident in a perma-sealed secure wing wants - or needs - a 7 CD Toto box set. And I certainly don't need to read anything that includes the phrase, "Toto were not a band to rest on their laurels..." or "In the video for Rosanna, a young Patrick Swayze can be seen as one of the dancers..." Not unless I planned on ending my own life in the next five minutes.

Sony BMG presents….

Toto: The Collection

7 Disc Boxset


This beautifully packaged collection includes Toto’s first seven albums plus a fantastic live DVD. These are the albums which shaped their distinctive BLAHBLAHBLAHBLAH.

The Grammy award-winning band were BLAHBLAHBLAH described by Eddie Van Halen as “BLAHBLAHBLAH”. The public obviously agreed – the group has sold over BLAHBLAHBLAH.

This collection is perfect for those who want to discover the magic of Toto as well as being a collector’s item for established fans.

This was the self titled debut album that launched Toto into massive commercial success, setting the standard for the band throughout the 1980s when they went on to become one of the biggest selling groups of their era.

The album spawned hit single Hold The Line as well as Georgy Porgy and I’ll Supply The Love. The band was nominated for a Grammy award for Best New Artist and shortly thereafter, in early 1979, they embarked on their first American tour in support of the debut album.

The successful follow up album to Toto was released in 1979. It featured the hit single 99, which was inspired by George Lucas' cult film THX 1138. This song went on to become one of the band’s most popular numbers. Other singles include St George And The Dragon and All Us Boys.

The band also released a promotional video for the album's title track, though the song was never released as a single.

Turn Back
Turn back was probably the most experimental of their albums. It was a new direction for the group and one which prompted strong responses from critics both positive and negative. The record is very guitar heavy and features less keyboards than their previous two records.

Toto IV
Toto were not a band to rest on their laurels, in 1982 they released their most successful albums to date. In fact, Toto IV became one of the most commercially successful records of the entire decade. The massive hit singles massive Africa and Rosanna are both on this album.

The album was awarded 6 Grammy Awards including Record Of The Year for Rosanna, Album Of The Year for Toto IV, and Producer Of The Year. In the video for Rosanna, a young Patrick Swayze can be seen as one of the dancers, and a young Cynthia Rhodes can be seen as the lead dancer.

The follow up record to Toto IV was also a commercial success, achieving gold status. This was the first album to feature new lead singer Fergie Frederiksen. Isolation features fantastic singles Stranger In Town and How Does It Feel.


Wednesday, 20 February 2008

Literally, Who Cares? 2

I wasn't even aware that there was a band called The Higher. Now I discover someone called Tim (or something) has left them. This is terrible, terrible news. What ever shall we do?


Epitaph records The Higher have parted ways with their guitarist and founding member Tom Oakes. The band will still be coming to the UK in BLAHBLAHBLAH

THE HIGHER regrets to inform everyone that due to personal and creative issues, Tom Oakes has decided to take leave from the band. We wish him the best in his future projects.

I think we all know that's a crock of shit, right? Anyway:

THE HIGHER will continue on and will perform at all dates posted. THE HIGHER wishes to thank all their fans for their understanding, support and love during this time and hopes to see you on tour.

”To all of you, I want to thank all of you for what you have done for this band. I am personally shaken about this, but not destroyed. The band is very adamant about continuing on and I have nothing but the most faith in the world that they will not only continue, but succeed.

I refer you to my previous observation.

If any of you have any questions, I am available to speak further. thank you all again and look forward to a successful 2008!” Tom Oakes

Tuesday, 19 February 2008

"Somebody's got an ology. Tautology!"

There is only one good reason for having typed this sentence - regular finger exercise may delay the onset of arthritis in later life.

Combining blues and soul with a nod to Bonnie Raitt, Brandi Carlile’s music can be described as a sonic soundscape of honest vocals, organic sounds and arresting delivery, she blends raw music with real talent.

*Kills Self*

This just in:

SMOOSH - sorry, no Nottingham date

Following the announcement of their mini-UK tour, SMOOSH are sorry to announce they will no longer be playing: Friday April 18th - Nottingham Liars Club

Is there any point us carrying on, do you think?  

Monday, 18 February 2008

Is This The Worst Festival Ever?

Festivals are - by and large - terrible affairs. But at least you're generally offered a glimpse of someone half decent to make up for the dysentery and downpours. Well, here's one that's bucking that trend with admirable abandon. The Live Nation / o2 Wirelesss Festival 2008 appears to have not one single band anyone in their right mind would ever want to see. In fact, they seem to have plumped for artists that most people feel so unengaged with they wouldn't even accept a freebie in case they missed something midly diverting on telly, never mind actually pay cash money - £40! - to "experience" them all...



Sunday at this year’s O2 Wireless Festival sees one of the world’s biggest BLAHBLAHBLAH...New album, ‘Saturday Night and Sunday Morning’ (sees the band split their musical personality with BLAHBLAHBLAH) will be a chance for fans to hear those new tracks alongside the classics that have made COUNTING CROWS one of the world’s favourite BLAHBLAHBLAH...

"Man... Harper, the Criminals and Powderfinger? I'm there!"

Thursday, 14 February 2008

Seriously Dude, Kill Me Now

I have no idea who this Faisal J is, but I do know this. I have never, ever read a press release that makes me want to have every single copy of the record it's meant to be promoting ground into a fine dust and scattered across deep space more than this one. I would rather be nailed to a wall than feature this on "the facet" of my blog (whatever that means). And no, I'm not making the email address up.

From: "Purple Vagina" [h****w****]
Date: 14 February 2008 15:26:27 GMT

Subject: Seriously Dude you have to check this track out! (Alavi + Etienne De Crecy + BLAHBLAHBLAHBLAH)

You probably haven't heard about this artist yet, otherwise he would've already been featured on the facet of your blog!

Flairs is the solo projects from the ultimate bass player who BLAHBLAHBLAHBLAH psychedelic Walt Disney on acid video for BLAHBLAHBLAH.

Contact me back on this email if you made a post about it on your blog, so I can link to it on BLAHBLAHBLAH.

Faisal J.

Wednesday, 13 February 2008

"Look ma! Top of the world!"

You have to feel for indie bands. They spend their lives painting themselves into a tinier and tinier corner of the world and then try and propagate the fantasy that they're HER-YUGE! That's why we were thrilled to hear that the Tapes 'n' Tapes (Dear God, out of what fevered dream did that name arise?) secret gig was, in the words of the song, no secret anymore.


It's been two years since Tapes 'n Tapes brought us 'The Loon', a debut album so infectious and unique, it's four creators found themselves thrown from sleepy Minneapolis into a worldwide deal with big fans XL Recordings, extensive USA & European touring, a spot performing on Letterman and across the pages of every credible music bible going. Phew.

Then came the challenge - how to match - no, surpass even - an album so endearing and vivacious? Fear not, for 'Walk It Off' will not disappoint. With the layered intricacies of it's predecessor but with added weight of a band that has definitely grown up and grown serious balls, 'Walk It Off', in short, rocks.

'Walk It Off' is out on Monday 7th April, preceded by the single 'Hang Them All' out on Monday 31st March.

As a celebration of their return and as an extra special treat for fans, Tapes 'n Tapes are special - and until now secret! - guests at brand new night Lip Moves @ Old Blue Last on Monday 3rd March.

*** This is the Tapes 'n Tapes ONLY UK gig pre-release, don't miss out!!! ****

"Grown serious balls" may well be the grossest misuse of the English language we have come across this week. But there's still a couple of days to go.

Tuesday, 12 February 2008

That Noise? It's The Rock Business Grinding To A Complete Halt

This is terrible news. An entire promo tour wiped-out - it's like Vietnam or something. 30 years from now people will recall where they were when they first heard about Lenny Kravitz cancelling his European Promo Tour. It's a sad day. On the upside, despite being hospitalized for a variety of wow-factor illnesses, Kravitz was compos mentis enough to make a novel-length announcement to his "fans"...


Lenny Kravitz has announced that due to an ongoing illness he will be postponing his upcoming European promo tour, which was arranged in support of his new album release. The promo trip was scheduled to commence this coming week and run through the end of March.

Kravitz has been suffering with a series of severe respiratory track infections in tandem with the flu since mid- January, which has turned into bronchitis. Due to extreme dehydration and fatigue doctors were unable to control it with outpatient treatment and advised the singer to check into the hospital. He was taken this morning to the emergency room at Mount Sinai Hospital in Miami for immediate treatment.

"I would like to apologize to my fans in Europe," said Kravitz. "I am extremely disappointed that I am not able to come to Europe to see everyone and also perform. Unfortunately I need to take this time to rest and get healthy and so I was forced to make this BLAHBLAHBLAHBLAHBLAH...

Monday, 11 February 2008

The New Worst Press Release Ever Has Arrived

These Drum and Bass "despots" have "savage" beats" that will be "rocking the foundations" of OH JESUS MAKE IT STOP. If you have the stomach for it, try the paragraph that begins, "Having seamlessly...". I promise you won't read a more ineptly worded sentence this year. I know Cream are a bunch of slack-jawed, ex market-trader wide-boys, but surely even they must see this is damaging to their "reputation"? If I were in Pendulum I'd want this person birched. Points, however, for finishing with "2008 is set to be their year, catch them while you can" which translates as "I am an utter fool and I can't think of how to finish this without resorting to the worst, most painful cliché."

** MEDIA ALERT ** Cream Presents Pendulum

We are pleased to announce the return of Pendulum to Liverpool on BLAHBLAHBLAH.

Following their sell out performance as part of Liverpool Music Week in December, the drum & bass despots will be bringing their savage beats to the live stage once again, rocking the foundations of Liverpool Uni.

Having seamlessly made the transition from intelligent drum n bass producers to being tipped as ‘most likely to become the next Prodigy”, their infamous trademark sound which has dancefloor impact with electrifying consequences is what has catapulted this trio to success.

After selling over BLAHBLAHBLAH...
2008 is set to be their year, catch them while you can.

The Brit Awards: The Tragedy Begins...

In professionally-sanctioned, peer-reviewed, double-blind tests, Sharon Osbourne has been proved to be the least likeable, most fatuous and unwatchable person on UK television. And Ozzy is a ruined, shaking clown. The perfect choice then for a BRIT show that promises to make the Mick Fleetwood and Sam Fox debacle from 1989 appear like audiovisual manna from the very cleavage of heaven itself. By the way, if the person who wrote this - and you know who you are - promises to make moral amends then the phrase "Rock's first couple" will be forgotten and forgiven...

From: ***
Date: 11 February 2008 10:11:40 GMT
Subject: Sharon & Ozzy quotes - The Brits

Please see below for some quotes from Sharon and Ozzy Osbourne ahead of The BRIT Awards next week.

Legendary rock’n’roll couple Sharon and Ozzy Osbourne preside over the The BRITs 2008 when the UK’s biggest and most prestigious music awards returns live to ITV1 on February 20th.

Sharon Osbourne said of hosting the biggest and most anticipated music party of the year: “The thing I'm most looking forward to is working with Ozzy again. We’re not nervous. What is there to be nervous about - this is music! We are not hosting the Nobel Peace awards - we just want to make this awards show great fun.”

Rock’s first couple remain tight lipped about who they would like to see take home a BRIT saying, “everyone who is nominated deserves to win” while naming their all time favourite BRITs moment as the time Jarvis Cocker stormed the BLAHBLAHBLAHBLAH

Sunday, 10 February 2008

We shall overcome

There's something about the word "Congress" that makes you think of North Korea, isn't there? This has got something of the Tooting Popular Front about it, the faint smell of having been cooked up by one bloke in a bedsit trying to become famous. And while we'll probably buy the idea that Amy Winehouse and Joss Stone could be said to be playing "black music", if there is such a thing, how the hell they drag Lily Allen into this is a bit of a mystery. About as plausible as Naomi Campbell uttering a revelation or the music business having a system.

Black Music Congress Press Release

Feb. 8 2008


The recent revelations by supermodel Naomi Campbell and her former agent that the modelling business is racist, resulting in African models not being put forward for lucrative jobs or earning less than their European peers, is nothing new for many Africans in the music industry.

Four years ago at a Black Music Congress (BMC) debate, panellist Mykaell Riley, accused the music industry of “systematic, and endemic institutional racism.”

Except for Corinne Bailey Rae, no new African British act has achieved major success in the last two years. However, Britain’s best-selling black music acts are Joss Stone, Amy Winehouse and Lily Allen.

Saturday, 9 February 2008

What he means to say is

Writing about music, observed Frank Zappa, is like tap dancing about architecture. This is a discovery made halfway through writing this press release by this monkey with a typewriter. Hence he employs three-way genre semaphore in order to describe the music this band play and then weakly adds "in other words".

Destroy Everything is a five-piece punk band from Chicago, with a sound derived from Midwest hardcore of the early 1980s overlayed with anthemic melodies of the late 1970s London punk scene and mixed in with a bit of Southern California skate-punk (in other words: catchy songs with a sort of turbo-charged swagger).

Still, makes you want to "check them out", don't it?

Friday, 8 February 2008

Love Music, Hate Rubbishism

1978: The Clash, Steel Pulse, X Ray Spex and the Tom Robinson Band

2008: Babyshambles, The Paddingtons, Fionn Regan and more... Who's promoting this show, huh? Is it HITLER?


Organisers today announced the first details of the Love Music Hate Racism Carnival '08 - a massive free outdoor music festival in east London's Victoria Park, taking place on Sunday April 27th.

LMHR Carnival '08 is timed to celebrate the 30th Anniversary of the iconic 1978 Rock Against Racism (RAR)/Anti Nazi League (ANL) carnival and march. On 30th April 1978, BLAHBLAHBLAH...
Longtime LMHR supporters Babyshambles this week confirmed as the Carnival. Other acts already confirmed to play include The Paddingtons, Roll Deep, Fionn Regan, Natty and Ace & BLAHBLAHBLAH

BBC Three Moves Upmarket At Last!

The You Tube link is for an upcoming BBC 3 show called Bizarre ER. The episode in question revels in the Reithian title, I Dropped A Gearbox On My Testicles. And, while we're on the subject, is our license fee really going on a You Tube team? Really? Amazing.

From: BBC
Sent: 07 February 2008 18:54
To: YouTube Team
Subject: Bizarre ER - 2 clips now live on YouTube/bbc

Hi All,

Here's the link to the Bizarre ER playlist containing the clips so far:

I'll be out of the office on Fri so any probs please contact *** on 07*** 2*****.

Many thanks,

YouTube Team
BBC Vision Studios
Room 4372, White City, 201 Wood Lane, London W12

You Like My Dress? It's A Freudian Slip...

This is absolute genius. You will never get a clearer view into the mind of an over-worked, underpaid, hapless, loathe-the-client-but-need-the-money PR wonk than from this tiny, but hugely illuminating turn of phrase.

From: ***
Sent: 04 February 2008 10:35
Subject: Holly Willoughby's frock shock

Holly Willoughby talks about her dress to (please credit)

Hostess with the moistest, Holly says she’s been blown away by the BLAHBLAHBLAHBLAHBLAH

Thanks to A Reader for this. If you have a PR howler you'd like to share, send away...

Hello, I'm A Lazy, Feckless, Jaded, Played-Out Pop Star

I, literally, can't be bothered to think for myself anymore and am so terrified of my new album dying on its arse that I want to pass the responsibility to someone else. Like you.




Five-time Grammy Awarding Hip Hop superstar, Missy Elliott is giving fans the opportunity to BLAHBLAHBLAHBLAH

I think it's particularly wonderful to see that the winner "will receive credit on Missy‚s new album and a $500 (£1000) „Respect Me‰ adidas gift card" ie, the winner can spend their winnings on more Missy Elliott stuff. Thanks!

The Chuck It All At The Wall Approach


Inch Loss Island comes to your Home

As seen on GMTV in front of 8 million viewers. Drop 2/3 dress sizes and 10lbs of fat. Change the way you feel about exercise. Change your body, change your life!

Mark Anthony introduces his 28 day ŒChange your Body Plan‚.

Here‚s what £2800 gets you:

A chauffeur driven BLAHBLAHBLAHBLAH

Wednesday, 6 February 2008

But, Wet Wet Wet Are Rubbish!

This has just arrived in my inbox. Why would I care about this? I have never, ever, expressed any interest in WWW and I can't see that changing in the near future, so why bother me with it? And anyway, in this day and age the charts are so ragged and tired that to be number 4 in the midweeks is about as impressive as remembering to go to the toilet when you need a wee.

Hi ****

I am delighted to let you know that the new Wet Wet Wet single ‘Weightless’, taken from the album ‘Timeless’, has a midweek chart position today at NUMBER 4. This gives them their highest position since BLAHBLAHBLAHBLAHBLAH

Kind regards


Friday, 1 February 2008

I Would Rather Die

Andy Scott-Lee's having a party. Craig David and Jordan will be there. Do I want to go? Do I want to go... Let me think. I guess you could say I want to go as much as I want to stick razorblades under my fingernails. Actually, not that much. By the bye, anyone who says, "Have lurvely weekends!!!" needs a punch in the throat.

From: "James @ Hudson PR"
Subject: Launch Party Invitation - Andy Scott-Lee
Hiya all!

Please find attached the invitation to Andy Scott-Lee’s launch party to celebrate his new Valentine’s single, Unforgettable. Its on 5th Feb at Embassy London. Guests include Michelle Heaton, Jordan, Lisa Scott-Lee, Samanda, Craig David, Nicky Graham, Danielle Lloyd etc etc. Sure it be lots of fun!

Please RSVP me names and Ill add to the guestlist. Would also be great for if you have any party pages too!

Have lurvely weekends!!!


Oh When Will This Carnival Of Crapness End?

This has just arrived. It's about a museum of movies called - oh Jesus - The Movieum. Just roll that name around in your mouth for a while and see if you get to enjoy it. Actually, save yourself the grief. You won't because it's literally the worst name ever in the history of names... I'll see you outside with the bricks, rags and the gasoline later, OK?

For Movie Lovers - Welcome to the Movieum

Finally - a museum that celebrates the UK film industry. The Movieum is a movie museum that goes behind-the-scenes of the British film industry showcasing the great UK talent that has produced some of the world's most famous movies. From the history of Pinewood and Elstree Studios, through to the BLAHBLAHBLAHBLAHBLAHBLAH