Thursday, 17 December 2009

Christmas Crappers

Oh look! Amazing! A record made by some blokes and released on Sony is Number One! That means that another record sung by a bloke and released on Sony won't be Number One! Eat that, Nasty Nigel or whatever your bloody name is. Stuff you, I won't buy what you tell me! I'll buy what someone on Facebook tells me to instead. So there.

This just in from a well-turned out chap who's just moved to a new office somewhere swish.

Lesson one at Bad PR University: Attempt to align your dismal campaign with whatever might be happening in the world of things people do actually want to write about, even though this will ultimately result in making your client seem even less relevant than they were to begin with.

Lesson two: Write your press release in the manner of something that's been translated from a foreign language.

---------- Forwarded message ----------
From: Chris Hall []
Date: 2009/12/15
Subject: J-Proc/ The £20 independent alternative to Joe & RATM

Hello There,

"A Christmas Song (Stuff The Turkey)"

As You ME? are well aware – the Christmas this year GREAT START! has EH? an exciting battle between Joe McElderry and Rage Against the Machine brewing YES, LIKE A SCHOOLBOY'S FART. However, everyone is saying that the real winner are HE MEANS IS Sony – given that both acts are signed to subsidiary record labels. So, I just wanted to remind you of the home-made independent alternative by duo J-Proc DEFINITELY COULD'VE DONE WITH MORE COMMAS. With a single and video which cost £20 in total AND I BET THEY LOOK LIKE IT TOO, the novelty pairing have released a seasonal take of HE MEANS ON the novelty record with a contemporary feel NOVELTY AND CONTEMPORARY, YOU'RE SPOILING US. With a growing popularity on youTube HE MEANS YouTube and lots of discussion in forums HE MEANS ON FORUMS, the pair found themselves in Amazon’s Top 100 briefly REALLY? HOW IMPRESSIVE on Monday OH for their attempt at the Top 40 AN ATTEMPT THAT FAILED. WHY ARE YOU STILL TELLING ME ABOUT IT?

“It don't feel like Christmas no more, with no novelty records innit OH CHRIST So we is bringing you the novelty record to top them all, 'A Christmas Song (Stuff The Turkey)'” - Proc Proc ALI G WAS BRILLIANT, WASN'T HE?

“I love this time of year man OH SHIT, it doesn't get better than dancing with your friends to the latest Christmas song. This year we thought people needed something other than Noddy Holder and OH SHUT UP.

In a year which could have provided X Factor's Jedward as the closest thing this country has seen to a novelty Christmas record I SORT OF SEE WHAT YOU MEAN HERE BUT YOU REALLY SHOULD HAVE HAD ANOTHER GO AT THIS BIT, J-Proc have decided to be late entrants into the race for the Christmas number 1 A RACE YOU'VE ALREADY TOLD US THAT THEY'VE LOST as an independent, self-funded competitor with their frolicsome AMAZING! dance and sing-along tune "A Christmas Song (Stuff The Turkey)". With the competition tough, they hope that their brand of cheesy techno pop IT SOUNDS GOOD ALREADY can recapture the fun of the Christmas record that has been missing in recent years AGAIN WITH THE TERRIBLE WRITING.

The single is accompanied by a home-made music video OH JUST KILL ME NOW. Both Proc Proc and JW are keen to do interviews YES, I BET THEY ARE about their novelty crusade or at least garner a few mentions AIM LOW - GOOD TACTIC as THE real Christmas record this year WHATEVER THAT MEANS. If you need anything further, please BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH.


Chris Hall

Friday, 11 December 2009

Top Of The Pop Ups

I'm going to step aside and let this angry LiS operative situated in a position of power at a national newspaper take over. "Pop Up" PRs would do well to read on...

Will you c**t-witted PRs desperate to appear hip to your suited clients please f*ck off with your pop up clubs/bars/shops and assorted twat emporiums?

Recently I've had:

Laura from Money with the email: Rosie Lovell pop up restaurant and cultural Christmas experience! She's the author of Spooning with Rosie, dontcha know?

Nicola from Coverdale Davis comes up with her original idea: Blaguette Pop-Up Shop. Except there is nothing pop up about it. It's a f*cking shop full stop.

Love Fashion come out a corker that combines the new buzz word and street talk in such an excruciating fashion that even a hip Geography teacher would squirm at it.
Invitation: Fashion X Showroom, pop-up boutique and 'Da Sidewalk is da Catwalk' (THIS ONE ACTUALLY MAKES A LITTLE BIT OF SICK APPEAR IN MY MOUTH *sad face*)

Cassandra at de Winter PR has obviously never heard of temporary radio licenses that have been handed out for decades. Or pirate radio either for that matter. Now - drum roll - it is a pop up station.

Then the normally reliable James at Sony sent out:

And then this one. Every single year in my home town an empty shop is taken over for a couple of weeks to flog Christmas wrapping paper and gift tags only to close on Boxing day. Here in London a temporary Christmas gift shop is a pop up urban shop. C*nts!

----- Forwarded message -----
FROM: Eva McBride []
Subject: You are invited to the Christmas Flying Eye Pop Up Urban Shop preview

10am- 8pm

INKIE, the King Pin AMAZING! of the UK Graffiti scene for the past 25 years returns this Christmas to bring us a whole sack-full of original art works, canvases, prints, toys, sculptures, T-shirts and books from some of Europe’s finest artists. This urban pop up shop is one of it’s SHE MEANS ONE OF "A" kind, and will be found popping-up in delightful Cork Street, Mayfair, the hub of London’s Art finery LONDON'S ART WHAT?. This is the first of many Flying Eyeball Productions so watch this art space AMAZING (AGAIN)! This Christmas Pop up shop is the strongest visual feast from any European Urban Art Exhibition this season OH RLY?

The pop up shop will open its doors to the public just in time to snap up some one-of-a kind, quirky Christmas gifts, perfect for the man or woman who has everything. 24 carat gold leaf prints from INKIE and 28 colour screen prints from Drum and Bass legend Goldie, will be on offer to tickle your festive fancy GOOD WORK, KEEP GOING.

Other stocking filler goodies including unique sculptures and toys will be on offer from *DEEP BREATH* Heavy Dave, Shoe, Inkie, Eine, Scalp Rot, Mysterious Al, Sickboy, Chew My Boxers, Insa, Zeus, Hush, Mau Mau, Stink-gasm, Kid Acne, Steff Plaetz, Chu, Shok 1, RYCA, Asthmatic Prawn, David Walker, Wazzock, China Mike, Part2ism, Ben Allen, Andy Council-House, Pure Evil, Shazer, George Morton Clark, Milk, Heavy Biscuits, Dora and Don. And Winky. And Blouse. I'VE MADE SOME OF THESE UP - CAN YOU GUESS WHICH ONES?

Heralding from the infamous Bristol School of Graffiti BAD WRITING ALERT, Inkie has been identified as one of the leading UK urban artists alongside Banksy, Nick Walker and Massive Attacks SHE MEANS MASSIVE ATTACK'S 3D. A dominant presence for over 2 SHE MEANS TWO decades on the international graffiti scene, Inkie’s trademark Ink Nouveau ladies and striking wildstyles draw from diverse inspiration ranging from *READS FROM OLD PRESS RELEASE* Art Nouveau, Ancient Architecture, Natural forms and Islamic Geometry. RIGHT YOU ARE.

A private press and buyers viewing will also take place on OH WOTEVA...