Please Nail Me To The Groove Immediately

If I worked at Purple PR I'd have the following points to make about this press release.
1. Remove the bit about "simply not playing by anyone's rules but his own" as that's clearly rubbish.
2. If he's in charge of his own promotion, why are we sending this?
3. DIY underground scenes don't have poster boys - that's the point of them.
4. Saying anything is, "everything that’s exciting and unique about UK music today!" is ridiculous.
5. Do you actually know what "New York Backpack rappers" are?
6. Remove all references to, "nail-you-to-the-groove 80s tinged electro-hop" and think of something less silly sounding.
7. "My music, it’s very different, it appeals to everyone and it hasn’t been done before.” GOOD LUCK WITH THIS BIT.

I'd then have a biscuit and a lie down in a dark room as I tried to forget about the phrase, "the jeans of a Kings Of Leon". When I'd got my strength back I'd add what a reader from a globally recognised media organisation noted, to whit:

So, first rule of news: the most interesting stuff goes at the top. Wow! Master Shortie was born in Swindon! The second paragraph is particularly sweet as well - good to get the typo in Terence Trent D'Arby's name, and a particularly hilarious gag about "kids". As for the third paragraph, where, I wonder, can I get my "cuddly crunk accoutrements"?

forwarded message________
FROM: "Katherine" [katherine@purplepr.com]
13/08/08 15:56
SUBJECT: INTRODUCING...MASTER SHORTIE!

Single: ‘Rope Chain’ out on 1st September 2008

Born in Swindon and raised in South London, Master Shortie is a self-made 19-year-old artist who simply doesn’t play by anyone’s rules but his own. A man who is totally in charge of all of his own promotion, record releases, styling and marketing - he’s fast becoming the poster boy of a DIY underground scene that represents everything that’s exciting and unique about UK music today!

Influences from the neo-soul underground New York Backpack rappers, Mos Def, Andre 3000, Prince, Paul Simon, Terence Trent Darby and Tracy Chapman, Master Shortie makes the kind of vibrant, nail-you-to-the-groove 80s tinged electro-hop that puts him alongside Black Kids, Cool Kids and any other kind of kids that are redefining what 21st Century, post-industry music can be.

It’s Master Shortie’s charm, energy and individual style – the iris-scorching baseball caps, cuddly crunk accoutrements and the jeans of a Kings Of Leon – that set him apart from the crowd as a truly unique artist. Master Shortie’s debut single is the cinematic hip-hop name checking ‘Rope Chain’, out as a digital release on 1st September 2008 and already all over MTV Base.

Master Shortie’s debut album ‘ADHD’ due out in January 2009, will also include the soulful boy band balladry ‘Under The Moon’, the spite-fuelled ‘Merry Go Round’ as well as ‘Prince Charming’ a perky slab of electronic pop pizzazz, which samples Adam Ant’s 1980s swashbuckling anthem. The indie-rap thumper ‘Dead End’ will follow ‘Rope Chain’ as Master Shortie’s first major single release in October this year.

“The album’s called ADHD, standing for Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder,” he says, “it’s like when someone’s different, people just don’t know what to do or how to take it, and as a child, if your different, they classify you as having ADHD. Same as my music, it’s very different, and the fact that it appeals to everyone, and it hasn’t been done before.”