Friday, 29 January 2010

WARNING: Post Contains Worst Opening Sentence To A Press Release Ever Written

Can we just sit back for a minute and think about the opening sentence to this press release?

Imagine if you will that your job is to promote some utter bullshit about pyjamas or something. I know it's soul-sapping work, but just how fatally bored by, contemptuous of and uninspired by the whole affair would you have to be to start your piece, "Didn't you know... Sleep is the new black!"

Sleep is the new black? Is there a journalist in the world who wouldn't have just deleted that on sight? What was the point in you writing it? Why would anybody read that? Who in their right mind, after reading that, is going to give you or the half-arsed product you're attempting to flog a single extra second of their time when even you are bored by it and you're, presumably, getting paid to make it sound interesting?

PRs - this is why journalists hate being spammed. However much you try and make your press releases "fun" and "chatty" this is the sort of badly written, achingly silly balls (written by someone who calls themsleves a "PR Executive", no less) we always seem to end up with. Thanks to an LiS operative situated in Australia for sending this in.

Hi there LiS. Thought you would love "Launch Initiative" even more than I do, so I have attached a recent piece of crap they sent me. Sadly, they don't seem to understand the emails I send them that say UNSUBSCRIBE or PLEASE TAKE ME OFF YOUR LIST or even F*CK OFF.

Media Release AMAZING

Didn't you know...Sleep is the new black! *DELETES*

From the innovators of Launch Initiative Fashion somes SHE MEANS "COMES" a brand new concept Launch Sleep EH?. For designers looking to expand their portfolio to include sleepwear or graphic design, or even better...both, look to SHE MEANS "NO" further. DO YOU WANT TO HAVE ANOTHER TRY AT THIS SENTENCE?

Launch Initiative Sleep enables fashion designers and graphic designers to try their hand at designing pyjamas and graphic prints for pyjama fabrics GREAT - WHAT A BRILLIANT OPPORTUNITY. This is a hugely valuable, not to mention exciting- WHAT'S GOING ON HERE? opportunity to try your hand at graphic design.

Have you been wanting a pair of wide-legged tie-dyed and studded pyjama pants! HAVE A GUESS. IF YOU GUESSED ANYONE IN THE WORLD SAID, "YES!" TRY AGAIN Well now you can have them thanks to Launch Sleep.

Launch Sleep is starting with a standard sleepwear pattern and is looking for designers to construct a print story ARSE STORY for the collection.

Each month Launch Sleep will be offering more opportunities through the Initiative THE WHAT? to include opportunities to design sleepwear separates and accessories. You could be the very next Peter Alexander WHO HE?

The idea with Launch Sleep is similar to Launch Fashion, where all the designs are submitted for BLAHBLAHBLAHBLAHBLAH.

The winning designer gets $500 cash, plus BLAHBLAHBLAHBLAHBLAHBLAH.

To become a designer with Launch Sleep you need to BLAHBLAH 'ask an expert' page and receive huge BLAHBLAHBLAH store.

To become apart of this incredible program, or if you jast SHE MEANS "JUST" want to find out more about it, go to, there are limited positions available OH YEAH, I FACKING BET THEY ARE, so wake up, sign up and start your career now! FUNNILY ENOUGH I KNOW SOMEONE WHO NEEDS A NEW CAREER

Lia-Belle King

Marketing/PR Executive

Launch Initiative

Unit 10, 34-36 Ralph St

Alexandria, NSW, 2015

Tuesday, 12 January 2010

Snow Balls

Do you know what a Sliderobe is? No, me neither. Can you imagine how much you would physically ache for the chilly, but ever-open arms of sweet, sweet death if your life's work entailed trying to explain to bored, catastrophically disinterested hacks what Sliderobes, like, are? Personally, I would throw myself under a lorry (perhaps one out gritting), if only to spare the rest of the world the brutal waves of self-loathing that would spill off me like the hum of cheap wine if I had to crank out this bollocks. But Niamh Boyle - and the legion of Niamh Boyles that keep this farrago on the road all year round - just plug away regardless, like shucking Sliderobes is just a job and why get so upset about it? Sure, we all wanted a little more as children, but then life happens and there you are. Plugging pointless crap for a "living". Still, time's winged chariots and all that, eh?

Thanks to the LiS operative situated in, actually, I have no idea where they are, but thank you anyway.

Hello LiS. Thought you might like this snow-related press release I received today via Property4Media.

SUBJECT: The Blanket Of Snow Has A Silver Lining For Householders – And Sliderobes!

12 Jan 2010

As snow blankets the country, Sliderobes showrooms are seeing a huge increase in interest "INTEREST" in their space-saving fitted bedroom furniture. Niamh Boyle, marketing manager, said, “We have seen a quite remarkable, and most unexpected, phenomenon recently. YES, I BET YOU HAVE!

“Several TRANS: TWO customers have told us that when the snow came down heavily, they ended up being confined in their home for days. For the first time, often in ages, they looked around their house properly. They didn’t like what they saw and many of them took the opportunity to try to sort out clutter. THIS BIT MAKES ME WANT TO BE DEAD.

“They said they really began to see things that had irritated them mildly I HATE THINGS THAT IRRITATE ME MILDLY. Things like bags stuffed under the chest of drawers YES, HATE THAT, boxes piled on top of their freestanding wardrobe THAT TOO and clutter that had never found a permanent home I AM PHYSICALLY SICKENED BY CLUTTER THAT HAS NEVER FOUND A PERMANENT HOME. Confined to the house, they had the time to think about permanently solving those storage problems,” she added AND THE WELCOMING EMBRACE OF DEATH, DON'T FORGET THAT, NIAMH.

As a result, for Sliderobes, who tailor-make fitted bedroom furniture, this has been a bumper time. It seems that as soon as the weather lifts, customers want to tackle the problem once and for all I WAGER THEY'LL HAVE FORGOTTEN ABOUT IT ALL BY THEN, TBH.

Niamh added, “It’s often said that every cloud has a silver lining. Many of us spend our time rushing to and fro, falling into bed exhausted at the end of each day, never really getting to grips with challenges LIKE ALL THOSE MILD IRRITATIONS, YES.

“Whilst we wouldn’t wish this dreadful weather on anyone HAHAHA!, it really has been a bonus for us. At virtually every one of our showrooms TRANS: ONE OF THEM, we’ve had customers through the door – or in many cases on the phone - who have said that spending more time at home has meant that they have seen their clutter as it really is,” she explained. NIAMH, IS THIS IT? DON'T YOU WANT TO GET OUT? MAYBE ASK A LITTLE MORE OF LIFE THAN THIS?

Sliderobes, which creates bespoke OH WOTEVA.