The Weighting Game

This is very much the sort of thing we see every day. The sort of thing that makes us think, who is running this industry? Who would ever want to connect with this person or the company they represent? I, literally, couldn't care less about the concept of Clegg or Cameron developing a problem with their waistlines and even I know that picture of Clegg's "paunch" was, like, a month ago or something.

Can you imagine a more inane, pointless and soul-crushing way to spend your day than to pump this crap out and then, a day or two later, grimace determinedly and do a phone-around to try and drum up even the merest trickle of interest?

Kill. Me. Now.

Anyway. Here it is. Thanks to a bespectacled man in a smart W1 office for this.

From: "Holly DELETED" [holly DELETED@speedymail.org]
Date: 28 September 2010 10:51:06 GMT+01:00
Subject: Cameron and Clegg and the battle of the bulge

Cameron and Clegg and the battle of the bulge

David Cameron and Nick Clegg are locked into an unexpected, but nonetheless fierce battle with each other … the battle of their expanding girths [THEY'RE NOT THOUGH, ARE THEY? NOT IN ANY WAY AT ALL.]

“It is not unusual for men in early middle age to start piling on the pounds,” said Alison DELETED, CEO of Britain’s fastest growing weight loss specialists NAME DELETED.

“It is particularly difficult for Cameron and Clegg because they attend almost daily lunches and banquettes [SHE SAYS, LIKE SHE HAS ANY IDEA]. The answer for them is the same as anyone else: sensible lifestyle change [SENSIBLE LIFESTYLE CHANGE? DO THEY SMOKE? TAKE DRUGS? DRINK TOO MUCH? OR IS IT NONE OF THOSE?] and food choices,” she said.

There has been plenty of chatter emanating from inside and outside No. 10 but one insider [OH PLEASE DON'T DO THIS] said: “Both men are worried about their paunches. The contest is under way over who’s going to reduce their BLAHBLAHBLAH.”

NAME DELETED have offered the Prime Minister and Deputy Prime Minister free individually tailored weight loss programmes and support. So far there has been no response from Downing Street [NO. AND THERE NEVER WILL BE, WILL THERE?]

The Prime Minister has employed the fitness guru Matt Roberts, whose clients include Naomi Campbell and Amanda Holden, to help him keep fit. [RIGHT, SO THAT'S DAVID CAMERON TAKEN CARE OF, WHO'S NEXT?]

Mr Cameron [HANG ON, HAVEN'T WE DONE HIM?] is known to be a keen jogger and when in opposition he famously cycled from Notting Hill to Westminster followed by a Jag carrying his shoes!

SHOULDN'T THERE BE SOME HORSESHIT ABOUT CLEGG IN HERE?

“Over-weight people could BLAHBLAHBLAHBLAH,” said NAME DELETED, Nutrition and Fitness Advisor for weight-loss programme NAME DELETED.

“However, BLAHBLAHBLAH.” said Mr NAME DELETED.

“NAME DELETED plans reduce weight by supplying healthy calorie controlled OH CHRIST ALRIGHT, GIVE IT A REST.”

"RAGGAE" MUSIC SPECIAL

When we started this blog we used to receive five or six absolutely shocking PR emails every week. Now we get hardly any - really. Oh there are boring ones and silly ones, but the regularity of properly jaw-dropping missives has fallen away to, well, none. Perhaps we have been a benign force? That's a nice idea, isn't it? Shame it's absolute horseshit.

Today we received an email so bad we've had to drag ourselves out of our bath chairs in order to share it with the world.

So here it is.

From: james DELETED [jamesDELETED@gmail.com]
Subject: IRISH BAND ININN [that's Ininn, remember that] NAMED SECOND BEST [second best!] NEWCOMING [what does "newcoming" mean?] RAGGAE [what's "raggae"?] BAND IN EUROPE AT SUSPLASH [what's "Susplash"?] – THE BIGGEST RAGGAE [what's "raggae" again?] FESTIVAL IN EUROPE

Hi,

I hope you find the below to be of interest [WELL, I LOVE SECOND STRING IRISH RAGGAE BANDS, SO HERE'S HOPING]

Intinn [OH, IT'S "INTINN" NOW IS IT? ONLY YOU CALLED THEM "ININN" IN THE SUBJECT LINE. ARE THEY STILL RAGGAE?], one of the most unique sounding bands to emerge from Ireland [IF BY "UNIQUE" YOU MEAN HACKNEYED, THEN YES] have been named the second best [SECOND BEST!] new coming [EH?] Reggae [AT LAST!] band in Europe following a live final at Rototom Sunsplash [WELL DONE!] Festival in Barcelona. This festival is one of the biggest in Europe attracting over 160,000 people from all over the world. Intinn [THAT'S THE RAGGAE BAND, INTINN, RIGHT?] were at Sunsplash representing Ireland [YES, WE GATHERED THAT] and the UK after winning an “ Ex Factor” [OK, IT'S CALLED X FACTOR, EVERYONE IN THE WORLD KNOWS THAT NOW] style competition which saw them win a public vote and then a live performance at London’s One Love Raggae [AND WE'RE BACK WITH THE "RAGGAE"] Festival.

Intinn are a unique ["UNIQUE"] five-piece band from the West of Ireland. Their music is a distinct blend of reggae, dub and drum “n” base [IT'S CALLED "DRUM AND BASS"] with a Celtic trad twist [SOUNDS GREAT! *KILLS SELF WITH AFRO CELT SOUND SYSTEM CD*]. The group have strong family ties to some of the biggest names in trad and folk music; specifically the lead singer Cian Finn is the son of Alec Finn one of the founders of De Dannan [*MAKES "WHO'S THAT?" FACE*]. Intinn are renowned for their live performances and have supported famous groups such as UB40, Kila [*MAKES "WHO'S THAT?" FACE* AGAIN] and Horance Andy [DO YOU, PERHAPS, MEAN "RAGGAE" LEGEND, HORACE ANDY?].

Speaking after performing at Rototom Sunsplash Festival lead vocalist Cian Finn said “We were delighted to have represented Ireland and the UK at one of the largest festivals in Europe [YOU'VE DONE THIS BIT]. We are very proud that we are putting Celtic Dub music [*REVIVES SLIGHTLY THEN KILLS SELF AGAIN*] on the map. This marks a significant point in the influence that elements of Irish BLAHBLAHBLAHBLAHBLAH."

Intinn are playing a special showcase gig on Wednesday the 13th October in Crawdaddy, Dublin. Their current self titled album is available on www.intinnsound.com and is being remixed by super Reggae & Dub producer “The Scientist” [DO YOU, PERHAPS, MEAN "RAGGAE" LEGEND HOPETON BROWN, KNOWN INTERNATIONALLY FOR NEARLY THIRTY YEARS AS, SIMPLY, SCIENTIST? ONLY "THE SCIENTIST" WAS RESPONSIBLE FOR ONE BREAKBEAT TECHNO TRACK IN 1990 AND, AS FAR AS I KNOW, NEVER HAD A HAND IN ANY "RAGGAE" RECORDS.]

-----------------------ENDS--------------------

But, of course, it doesn't end there because James wants to bang on some more. Trust me, you don't want to know how painful it gets, suffice to say at one point he talks about how, "the band played in the Emerald Island’s south, north, east anad [sic] west" and it was at that point we decided we wanted to be dead.

If we were Intinn's, or is it Innin's?, management team, or, indeed, if we were unlucky enough to be in the second best "raggae" band in Ireland, or wherever, we would be bloody furious about this crap coming out under our name. But we're not. We're just hacks playing it for laughs. Only it's not very funny, is it?