Can you imagine a more inane, pointless and soul-crushing way to spend your day than to pump this crap out and then, a day or two later, grimace determinedly and do a phone-around to try and drum up even the merest trickle of interest?
Kill. Me. Now.
Anyway. Here it is. Thanks to a bespectacled man in a smart W1 office for this.
From: "Holly DELETED" [holly DELETED@speedymail.org]
Date: 28 September 2010 10:51:06 GMT+01:00
Subject: Cameron and Clegg and the battle of the bulge
Cameron and Clegg and the battle of the bulge
David Cameron and Nick Clegg are locked into an unexpected, but nonetheless fierce battle with each other … the battle of their expanding girths [THEY'RE NOT THOUGH, ARE THEY? NOT IN ANY WAY AT ALL.]
“It is not unusual for men in early middle age to start piling on the pounds,” said Alison DELETED, CEO of Britain’s fastest growing weight loss specialists NAME DELETED.
“It is particularly difficult for Cameron and Clegg because they attend almost daily lunches and banquettes [SHE SAYS, LIKE SHE HAS ANY IDEA]. The answer for them is the same as anyone else: sensible lifestyle change [SENSIBLE LIFESTYLE CHANGE? DO THEY SMOKE? TAKE DRUGS? DRINK TOO MUCH? OR IS IT NONE OF THOSE?] and food choices,” she said.
There has been plenty of chatter emanating from inside and outside No. 10 but one insider [OH PLEASE DON'T DO THIS] said: “Both men are worried about their paunches. The contest is under way over who’s going to reduce their BLAHBLAHBLAH.”
NAME DELETED have offered the Prime Minister and Deputy Prime Minister free individually tailored weight loss programmes and support. So far there has been no response from Downing Street [NO. AND THERE NEVER WILL BE, WILL THERE?]
The Prime Minister has employed the fitness guru Matt Roberts, whose clients include Naomi Campbell and Amanda Holden, to help him keep fit. [RIGHT, SO THAT'S DAVID CAMERON TAKEN CARE OF, WHO'S NEXT?]
Mr Cameron [HANG ON, HAVEN'T WE DONE HIM?] is known to be a keen jogger and when in opposition he famously cycled from Notting Hill to Westminster followed by a Jag carrying his shoes!
SHOULDN'T THERE BE SOME HORSESHIT ABOUT CLEGG IN HERE?
“Over-weight people could BLAHBLAHBLAHBLAH,” said NAME DELETED, Nutrition and Fitness Advisor for weight-loss programme NAME DELETED.
“However, BLAHBLAHBLAH.” said Mr NAME DELETED.
“NAME DELETED plans reduce weight by supplying healthy calorie controlled OH CHRIST ALRIGHT, GIVE IT A REST.”