Actually, Do Cry For Me, Thanks!

Evita? A metal band called Evita? Are they for real? Still, as long as their "riffs" really are "prolapse inducing" then we're all guaranteed a good time, no? I'm also pleased to read how they'll be "shacking up" with some halfwit producer in order to "lay down tracks". Amazing! I can't wait for their sophomore effort.

Ugly Sentiments

Punting a rubbish website - and easytobook is a rubbish website - is one thing, we've all got to eat. But to do it via such a cheap and nasty way as Hills Balfour Synergy have done seems particularly mean and tasteless. I suppose that Hannah Filer and her colleagues must all be incredibly attractive people who have never had a bad word said about them in their lives, how else could they possibly excuse this sort of finger-pointing crapola? Or, as an LiS operative has it:

If you were desperately trying to add some rock star kudos to a desperate press release about something incredibly dull, wouldn't you bother to at least check how Ozzy Osbourne spells his name? And isn't it Ann Widdecombe rather than Anne? Suffice to say I shall not be emailing Hannah for more statistics if this is the best she can manage. As an aside, Ozzy is a multi-millionaire rock star with a hugely successful career. Ann Widdecome is one of the most recognisable female politicians of modern times. Do you think Hannah's happy with the way her life turned out?


______
Forwarded message
From: Hannah Filer [mailto:hannahfiler@hillsbalfoursynergy.com]
Sent: 24 November 2008 11:26
Subject: SURVEY FROM EASYTOBOOK.COM SHOWS OZZIE OSBOURNE you don't spell it like that love WOULDN'T GET LAID FOR £1 MILLION!!!

Leading online hotels reservations site, EasyToBook.com recently conducted a survey amongst its users. When asked, which celebrity would you refuse to sleep with in a hotel for £1million? The SHE MEANS "the" majority of EasyToBook.com users agreed, Ozzie Ozbourne MAKE YOUR MIND UP - IT'S OZZY OSBOURNE AS EVEN THE MOST PERFUNCTORY GOOGLE SEARCH WOULD CONFIRM was the most repulsive male and Anne SHE MEANS ANN Widdecombe was the biggest female turn off.

Survey was completed by 1951 respondents, 35.4% voted for Ozzie Osbourne STILL WRONG, 10.9% voted for Anne WRONG Widdecombe. Other choices included: Boris Johnson, Wayne Rooney, Kerry Katona, John McCririck, Keith Chegwin and Jodie Marsh. For more statistics, please email me!

Excuse Me While I Vomit Out My Aggression

Some people are just terrible, laughable oiks, aren't they? Frank Iero of My Chemical Romance is one such oik and this press release gives him just enough rope to hang himself in style.

Certain things here make me never want to hear this record as long as I live.

1. "I try to belabor the topics people want to forget exist." Great!
2. "LeATHERMOUTH is where I can vomit out all the aggression." Amazing!
3. "The world is going to shit, and someone has to say it." Preach, brother!
4. "I would love to not feel the way I do about certain things, and have rainbows and birds chirping in my head, but that’s just not the way I’m built." Taxi for this week's woe-is-me, emotionally retarded, slack-jawed, idiot-friendly, tattooed marionette, please. Thanks!

EPITAPH TO RELEASE LEATHERMOUTH DEBUT ALBUM JANUARY 2009

Frank Iero (My Chemical Romance) Gets Pissed For Epitaph Records

New Jersey hardcore group LeATHERMOUTH have signed to Epitaph Records and will release their debut album January 26th 2009.

LeATHERMOUTH’S founding members include Frank Iero of My Chemical Romance (this time on vocals) and friend Rob Hughes (guitar) alongside various others who have toured and recorded with them both. LeATHERMOUTH was formed in a garage in New Jersey in 2007 with the sole intention of making raw confrontational punk rock that not only served as a mouth piece for Iero’s ire but also as a reminder to today’s youth that sometimes it’s the loudmouths who make change happen in this tumultuous world.

“For me LeATHERMOUTH is how I can vent about all the bullshit that I see going on in the world that makes me ill,” says Iero. “I try to belabor the topics people want to forget exist. LeATHERMOUTH is where I can vomit out all the aggression that has built up inside. After recording or playing a LM show I feel empty of all that hatred that’s been bottled up. It’s a pleasant, cathartic experience. I would love to not feel the way I do about certain things, and have rainbows and birds chirping in my head, but that’s just not the way I’m built. I am embarrassed by my emotions and originally wanted to keep LeATHERMOUTH anonymous...but fuck it, none of us are perfect, the world is going to shit, and someone has to say it. I think it would be worse if I hid from it. I have a great deal of respect for Epitaph, and when I decided that I didn’t want to release the LeATHERMOUTH record myself there was only one other label that I felt would be right for this project. I feel honored to be accepted into the Epitaph family, it is something that I’ve thought about ever since I was a kid. I hope I don’t fuck it up.”

Stay tuned for UK tour news!

I will!*



*I won't.

Adventising Message

A "Cullumder". Oh Jesus.

Calling All Grumpy, Self-Obsessed, Woe-Is-Me, Mummy-Doesn't-Understand-Me Teenagers!

Here's a new record you might like! It's "hard hitting dark post-hardcore", "passion-fuelled rock infused with monstrously accessible hooks". That's right. It's utterly standard emo snore-pop. Quick question for James at Division Promotions: have you ever used the word "sophomore" in real life? No? Do you see where I'm going with this?

Chidren In Seed

This just in from a newly-minted LiS operative situated in one of our most important war-time cities:

Just to put Seed Records straight. I have not been waiting for this. And in that horrible title do they really mean "the beetles of or childhood" or the far more likely "beetles of OUR childhood"? If they can't be bothered to read it, why should we? None of these records are perfect stocking filler and I'm willing to bet they won't be in the shops at all - at "crazy prices" or otherwise. As for this bit:

"Sleeps In Oysters are the sound of a ne plus ultra granny's strawberry alarm-clock going off under her tie-dyed wig or for the aurally impaired, the colour splash of a fruit farm sliding down a rainbow into a exotic lagoon lit with fireflies and as seen through a kaleidoscope. It is music made with levers, by little people, flowers, bugs, steam and rusty toys all sprinkled with fairy dust and brought to life under a very special magical spell...and this, by the way, only happens once in a lifetime when the weather is just right..."

Words fail me. If only they could have failed this lot too. Oh, and it's actually spelt Rhydian.

From: Seed Records [mailto:list_reply@seedrecords.co.uk]
Sent: 18 November 2008 15:15
Subject: Seed Records, 'Sleeps In Oysters' debut album pre-sale + FREE track.

Hello Folks,

We're pleased to announce the pre-sale of a release that you've all been waiting for! No, it's not Chinese Democracy or Rhidian Roberts' fresh muck but the wonderful debut album from 'Sleeps In Oysters' on Seed Records with the rather extravagant title:

'We kept the memories locked away like the beetles of or childhood, or How to appreciate someone who is always around'

SEED SHOP
You won't have seen nor heard anything like it - it's the perfect stocking filler and this is the tech spec to prove it: 250 limited edition mini-album CD and 5 bespoke postcards parcelled in paper, tied with string and sealed with wax, housed in OH JESUS GET ON WITH IT mp3 download.

I would like one mummy
Sleeps In Oysters are the sound of a ne plus ultra granny's strawberry alarm-clock going off under her tie-dyed wig or for the aurally impaired, the colour splash of a fruit farm sliding down a rainbow into a exotic lagoon lit with fireflies and as seen through a kaleidoscope. It is music made with levers, by little people, flowers, bugs, steam and rusty toys all sprinkled with fairy dust and brought to life under a very special magical spell...and this, by the way, only happens once in a lifetime when the weather is just right.

Their debut album is BLAHBLAHBLAHBLAHBLAH.
/ends/

Family Matters

Outpost media might want to check one or two of their "facts" before sending out any more of this kind of twaddle ("Ty will be bringing with him the latest sounds in hip-hop and r&b that is guaranteed to get your booty shaking on the dance floor," makes no sense). As a senior LiS reporter has it:

Um, wasn't it Jane Fonda who did workout videos? And when he says Kela Kuti, does he actually mean Fela Kuti? And wasn't that Ty and Damon Albarn track called Every Season? And the phrase is "watchful eye", not "watchful eyes". Still, well done for having a try, eh!

---------- Forwarded message ----------
From: Joe Gamp [Outpost]
Date: 2008/11/11
Subject: The Westbury presents
Saturday 29th November 2008 - please RSVP for more details
To: joe@outpostmedia.co.uk

UPROCK'S INSTRUMENTAL SPECIAL

On Friday 28th November we welcome renowned UK hip-hop artist TY (artist behind the album 'Closer'). Ty has grown from an underground MC to an artist who is developing an international reputation. This led to him being nominated for a Mercury Music Award in 2004, alongside prestigious artists Jamelia and Joss Stone. PLEASE DON'T USE THE WORD "ARTISTS" AGAIN, THANKS Ty has been making music and pushing boundaries for the last ten years and collaborated on the track 'Evert Season' with Tony Allen (Kela Kuti's drummer) and Damon Albarn. Ty will be bringing with him the latest sounds in hip-hop and r&b that is guaranteed to get your booty shaking on the dance floor.

On Saturday 29th November we have a brand new BLAHBLAHBLAH. Hanging baskets and disco balls will be your party partners for the night and the soundtrack to this party will be house and electro all under the watchful eyes of Bridget Fonda, as her workout videos are projected onto the sheds giant rooftop screen. The shed is guaranteed to intrigue the mightiest of sceptics and has to be seen to be believed. YES, I'M SURE...

I Have A Dream (Of Selling Some More Records)

I'm pleased that Obama chap won too - he seems like a nice enough bloke - but wouldn't it be more friendly to give him a few weeks headstart before trying to flog albums off the back of his victory, even for someone as well connected as Mave "The Rave" Staples?

------ Forwarded Message
From: Janine [janine@coalitiongroup.co.uk]
Date: Tue, 11 Nov 2008 12:13:32 +0000
Subject: Civil Rights Legend MAVIS STAPLES Celebrates Obama Win - "The Dream Is Alive!

New Record ­ MAVIS STAPLES LIVE: HOPE AT THE HIDEOUT ­ Takes on New Significance with Historic Victory

Mavis Staples, who marched and sang and protested alongside Dr. Martin Luther King during the Civil Rights movement of the 1960s, saw her steadfast dedication to equality and unwavering sense of hope validated on Tuesday. She writes:

"To come up in a time when there was slavery, racism, the KKK, and Jim Crow, I'm just so grateful to still be here to enjoy this historical time in our lives. It is so surreal, so completely overwhelming. This young black man has BLAHBLAHBLAH so happy. The Dream is alive."

Staples¹ new record -- AND STRAIGHT INTO THE SALES PITCH! -- which came out on Monday Nov 3rd -- takes on a whole new significance in the wake of this historic win for equal rights. Recorded in June in an intimate bar in her hometown of Chicago, the record is filled with freedom BLAHBLAHBLAH the past 50+ years.

In addition to her work in the trenches LIKE IN WW1, BRILLIANT! the Rock & Roll Hall of Fame singer is no stranger to political celebrations. Staples has performed at inaugural events for John F. Kennedy, Bill Clinton and Jimmy Carter.

Beeny Royston, Cassette Jam, Kathy Diamond, Shinchi Osawa And Phat Phil Cooper On The Same Bill? Impossible!

Do you fancy going to something that's "flesh-creeping"? No, me neither. Do you want to go to something that's "possessed by more legends than a 'Hammer House of Horror' Box Set"? No, but mainly because, rather like Bruce Hay, I have NO IDEA what that means. By the way, James Zabelia has been dubbed the "turntable wünderkind" for about 10 years now. It's David "Kid" Jensen all over again. Thanks to a senior LiS operative for this - they add:

My eyes... MY EYES my EYES :(

---------- Forwarded message ----------
From: Bruce Hay [brucehay@yahoo.com]
Date: 2008/11/7
Subject: Snowbombing 2009 - Massive DJ Line-up Confirmed


Hi all, hot on the heels of Fatboy Slim's confirmation comes news of a host of top DJs and leading club nights set to play Snowbombing 2009 - the 10th year anniversary - full details below...

cheers,
Bruce

SNOWBOMBING UNVEIL
A HOST OF DJ HEAVYWEIGHTS
GRANDMASTER FLASH / LAYO & BUSHWACKA! / JAMES ZABIELA / NIC FANCIULLI / PLUMP DJS / CLAUDE VON STROKE / SCRATCH PERVERTS / PLUS MANY MORE...

SUNDAY 29TH MARCH - SATURDAY 4TH APRIL 2009
Mayrhofen, Austria
www.snowbombing.com

Spine-tingling, crowd-mingling, flesh-creeping, bass-bleeping; it's got to be the scariest team of sheer talent ever seen at Snowbombing (and that's saying something). Snowbombing have called up the spirits of dance music and driven a stake through the heart of mediocrity. Is there anybody there? You bet there is! They're possessed by more legends than a 'Hammer House of Horror' Box Set.
With FATBOY SLIM already announced as this year's tenth anniversary headliner, Snowbombing will also feature a true original, GRANDMASTER FLASH, on the ones and twos, plus there will be the incomparable FABIO & GROOVERIDER dropping bombs, groove controllers LAYO & BUSHWACKA! turntable wünderkind JAMES ZABIELA, House roller NIC FANCIULLI, Breakbeat behemoths PLUMP DJS San Franciscan beat magician CLAUDE VON STROKE the post-punk disco psychedelia of CAGED BABY and the deck-wizardry of the inimitable SCRATCH PERVERTS.

Also on display will be a live turn from BLAHBLAHBLAH dropping some mad flows.

And it doesn't stop there, Hacienda original GREG WILSON, the up and coming RIVA STARR, Hungarian twistedness from FINE CUT BODIES, Tech-Funker ZODIAC CARTEL, the larger than life LOOSE CANNONS and 4-deck manoeuvres from the NO FAKIN DJS will keep the dancefloors at critical mass. And that's without even mentioning NANCY KITTENS, FAKE BLOOD, JON CARTER, THE POO POO WARRIORS, GROSSLY OFFENSIVE, SHINICHI OSAWA, TRISTAN DE CUHNA, PUNCH ME IN THE FACE, THE BEENY ROYSTON & JADELL SHOW, I AM AN AXEWOUND, and FIRAS plus many more TBC. Club nights MAKE IT STOP! and some top international DJ's...so get [snnnniiiippppppp!]

Credit Where It's Due...

... I like the fact that the PR has read this horrifying line-up and admitted that the events might appeal to "several" - rather than "all" - tastes, but, I have to say, the show on December 22 may be the one that really gets the bums on the seats (the seats in question being the comfortable ones on the sofa at home).

The Wrong Remains The Same

And the barely-concealed spam just keeps on a-coming. This from an LiS reporter on the frontline of PR horror:

Apparently this was "powered by" Sign-To email & mobile marketing: "Right Person. Right Place. Right Time". And yet, I couldn't care less, in fact, I find it quite aggravating, so it's clearly the Wrong. Wrong. And Wrong again, isn't it?


From: "Matt Joshua" [info@e***soho.co.uk]
Date: 3 November 2008 17:00:50 GMT
Subject: Fireworks in Soho, Wednesday 5th November

The sky above Soho will be alight with dazzling pyrotechnics this Bonfire Night as NAME DELETED puts on its annual fireworks display. Join the crowds in Soho Square as you "Oooooooh!" and "ahhhhhhh!" as a kaleidescope HE MEANS KALEIDOSCOPE of colour lights up the sky. Then it's back inside NAME DELETED for a hot toddy or two or perhaps an Irish coffee to warm your cockles. Firework show at 9pm.

This email has been sent to you by Kudos Group

Sign-Up.to : Right Person. Right Place. Right Time.

Rubbish NME Quotes In Press Releases: 6

Roses Kings Castles' Horses

"Pete's not the only 'Shambler with a swish line in solo material - through his Roses, Kings, Castles project sticksman Adam Ficek shows an ear for melody that the likes of Belle And Sebastian would smash up a tea party for."

Haha! Brilliant! It's like someone on acid, being on drugs, in a cement mixer (on ecstasy)!