All Day Shit-Fest

I know Little Chef is on the bones of its arse, but surely they can do better than the following poorly-written twaddle? Thanks to the LiS operative who sent me this:

Hello LiS. This release, despite its brevity, features three - THREE! - uses of the most teeth-gratingly overused word in PR, 'iconic'. Seemingly everything in marketing is iconic - from a brand of marzipan to Sue bloody Pollard and it does my nut. I was also wondering how this customer "up-roar" manifested itself, only I never recall seeing, or hearing, or reading, or picking up on any of it, anywhere, at anytime, ever? They wouldn't be lying to us, would they? Did I fall asleep and miss all the enraged sales reps pulling their knackered Sierras into Little Chef car parks and dancing around a flaming pyre of black cherry pancakes? Hang on, is that horseshit I can smell?

---------- Forwarded message ----------
From: Sabina Miller [sabina_miller@fmgirl.com]
Date: 2009/7/24
Subject: LITTLE CHEF 'FAT CHARLIE' LOGO TO LOOK LIKE HESTON BLUMENTHAL - CHEFS COAT, GLASSES ADDED

Goodafternoon SHE MEANS "GOOD AFTERNOON",
Little Chef’s Fat Chef is being altered to look like Celebrity Chef Heston Blumenthal. Please see info below.
Regards,
Sabina

****

LITTLE CHEF ’FAT CHARLIE’ LOGO TO LOOK LIKE HESTON BLUMENTHAL - CHEFS COAT, GLASSES ADDED

Little Chef’s iconic ’Fat Chef’ is to be given a makeover making him look identical to Celebrity Chef Heston Blumenthal. IDENTICAL? REALLY? IN EVERY WAY?

The chubby chef is being given a proper ’Chef’s jacket’ YOU SAID IT WAS A "CHEFS COAT" A MINUTE AGO, MAKE YOUR MIND UP and will be given glasses. BRILLIANT.

Next week the Heston Blumenthal menu is being rolled out to Little Chef’s SHE MEANS "LITTLE CHEFS" in York and Kettering.

As Little Chef pins it’s SHE MEANS "ITS" future of SHE MEANS "ON" Heston’s new menu, the iconic ’Fat Chef’ will reflect that.

The iconic chef will remain chubby however, after customers revolted IT'S TRUE, LITTLE CHEF'S CUSTOMERS ARE REVOLTING when plans to slim down ’Fat Charlie’ caused up-roar DOES THIS MEAN THEY REVOLTED BECAUSE OF THE UP-ROAR?

For further information, please reply to Sabina Miller

Tray's Jesus!

I realise that a PR person's reason for existence is to make up utter crap about products that no one actually cares for, but surely there are limits? I mean, even PRs need to keep at least one jaundiced eye on their self-respect, no? Ermmm, well...

Hello LiS. I've just been sent this, the first paragraph is just epic!

From: Simone Plackett [mailto:s.plackett@roman-showers.com]
Sent: 22 July 2009 16:21
Subject: Roman Press Release- To Infinity and Beyond

To Infinity and Beyond

Roman, the UK’s leading shower designer and manufacturer announces a massive MASSIVE! break through in tray technology YOWSA! with the launch of their Infinity range of shower trays. The installation of shower trays will never be the same again NOT NEVER, EVER AGAIN! with this ultra minimalist level access tray.

The Infinity Tray is designed to seamlessly blend into the bathroom flooring to offer complete level access without the need to step up into the enclosure. The Infinity Tray is manufactured from Roman Stone, a solid surface material which is self-reinforcing ensuring the tray remains strong, smooth and durable. The self-reinforcing nature enables the tray to be laid directly down to joist I AM GETTING AROUSED NOW, so that once the floor tiles are laid it creates level access into the showering area. For those that are still reluctant to install a wetroom this level access tray completely simulates the wetroom experience whilst offering the reassurance of a tray - it is an exceptionally versatile product.

The unique and flawless styling of the Infinity Tray has been designed with a single angle flow to waste to maximise flow rating I DON'T THINK ANYONE ACTUALLY KNOWS WHAT THIS BIT MEANS, SORRY. The waste is suitable for power shower systems and carries away an exceptionally high flow rate OR THIS BIT, SOZ. This exclusive chic look is completed with a stylish load bearing solid surface waste cover, whilst still providing access to the waste for cleaning. The contemporary white finish ensures the Infinity Tray complements all bathroom fittings

Roman’s key ranges are aimed at BORING BORING BORING or ability.

David Osborne, Managing Director at Roman, commented: “I AM, ACTUALLY, QUITE TEDIOUS.”

Please do not hesitate to contact me if there is anything I can help with.

Kind Regards,

Simone Plackett
Senior PR Executive
Roman Ltd
www.roman-showers.com

The PR Fight Back Is On

This just in from a long term reader and contributor to LiS. I thought it was time to show the other side, mainly as those no-marks as Get Over It "Daily" never actually managed to post one single item.

So, PRs, if you want to offload some of your pain too - you know where to come.

Dear LiS, as a regular reader and flack by trade, I pride myself in not spamming time-pressed hacks by blindly emailing them press releases they won't be interested in. That said, I'm still quite junior and don't know every journo in the country so if I'm pitching a story in an area new to me (especially at national level) then I'll often do a quick ring-round first to see if it might be of interest before emailing anything over.

Last week I was pitching an environmentally-focused story, so was calling various editors to see if it might float their boat. I thought I'd recount one conversation I had, just to show you how thankless life the other side of the fence can be:

Fairly well-known enviro hack: Hello?

Me: Is that Mr Hack?

FWKEH: Yes.

Me: Hi it's MATEY calling from BLAHBLAH, I understand you're the environment editor for The Newspaper.

FWKEH: What makes you understand that?

Me: Urmm, well, I did some research into people who write about environmental stories and your name came up.

FWKEH: I don't write for The Newspaper any more.

Me: Oh, sorry. Do you still cover environmental stories? I looked you up on MediaDisk and it said you do.

FWKEH: You clearly don't know the first thing about me.

Me: Right. My mistake.

FWKEH: I've had a PRODUCT out recently, and I contribute to The Other Newspaper. If you don't know that then you don't know anything.

Me: I'm really very sorry for wasting your time.

FWKEH: So you should be. [HANGS UP].

I'd just like to apologise to Mr Hack once again. I'm not a specialist in environmental PR, and I'll be honest, I didn't know who he was. However, it's such a shame when people can't see that you're just trying to do your job. Sad face.

A Masterclass In Tediousness

This just in from a seniour LiS reporter situated in a smart part of a smart city.

A few questions. Why are you sending me this stream of blank consciousness about your clients? Is there any news here or just that they are still vacant, vacuous climbers stuck in the foothills of Mount Showbiz?

----- Forwarded message -----
"Tim Beaumont" [tim@lizmatthewspr.com]
Subject *** News Alert from Liz Matthews PR

SOME EXCITING NEWS FROM OUR CLIENTS...
AMANDA BORING
Amanda presents BORING alongside Richard BORING on BBC1. This British version of the US game show BORING is already a huge cult hit and returned to our screens last Saturday for its 2nd series. Having reached audiences of over 5 million in its prime-time slot, the show is only set to get bigger and better. Catch it every Saturday at 7.00pm on BBC1 until 5th September.

A 3rd series has already been commissioned and begins filming in Argentina
in October. Also, such is the popularity of the show, a Celebrity Special
is due for tx around December 2009. Amanda started her career in TV in 1999 presenting the popular breakfast show BORING on TV3. Her big break in England came when she landed the job of co-hosting the iconic Channel 4 show BORING for its final year in 2002. She also presented celebrity news show BORING on BBC3 in 2002. For the past 4 years she has been working in the States presenting shows like BORING and BORING. Whilst in LA she presented UK shows for Sky including Oscars Coverage 2005 / 2006 and 2 series of BORING.

DAN BORING
Dan BORING is an actor, writer and stand up comedian with a fantastic
catalogue of work including BORING, BORING, BORING, BORING and most recently BORING. As a stand up, Dan has written and performed in three successful Edinburgh shows and has toured the UK with the highly acclaimed BORING. He also hosts his own monthly comedy show in London, Clark's, which has featured big name guest comics such as Noel Fielding, Simon Amstell and Stephen Merchant. After two successful series of short comedies for the Paramount Comedy Channel, Dan was commissioned to write and star in his own series, BORING, for BBC3. The series was nominated for 'Best Comedy Programme' at the 2009 Broadcast Awards and Dan himself received a BORING nomination at last year’s Comedy Awards. The eagerly anticipated 2nd series of BORING will air on
BBC3 from 10th September all the way through until OH CHRIST ALRIGHT ALREADY.

RICK BORING
Rick is part of the T4 presenting family alongside Steve Boring and Miquita
Boring - - T4 on the Beach is on C4 this Sunday at 2pm. Whilst continuing to host T4 every weekend, Rick also has an extremely xciting solo project to talk about. The BORING show stems from BORING's 5-year partnership with UK BORING - a partnership which looks to encourage consumers to live by the "BORING" philosophy and eat healthier foods whilst leading BORING lives. This 12-part series will feature all things BORING - and Rick will be out and about around the country looking at what sports are on offer, searching for the UK's up-and-coming athletes, and having a go AT himself! He could be OH CHRIST ALL RIGHT ALREADY

ALEXA BORING
Alexa is now based in New York where she is fronting her own brand new show for MTV. The magazine style show, IT'S BORING WITH ALEXA BORING, is live from Times Square every weekday and is a highlight of MTV's new season of programmes. The ratings have tripled since its opening week, and the show has now been moved to a primetime slot that used to be occupied by TRL. Recent guests have included ALL THE USUAL REALLY BORING PEOPLE. Alexa is making a huge impression Stateside and will, herself, appear on top chat show 'Late Night with Jimmy Boring' OK GIVE IT A REST NOW PLEASE.

For full roster please visit
www.lizboringpr.com

Why Waste Time Having A Read Through?

What's the point in having the "CTO" of some mobile company and a bloke who used to work for Dubya all lined-up and ready to gas on about a news story if the PR trying to pitch the piece gets such a crucial part of the story so catastrophically wrong?

Thanks to the LiS operative who sent this:

Let's just see if we can spot the glaringly fundamental error in this opportunistic press release.

Hardly inspires confidence, does it?


----- Original Message -----
From: Lewis Goldberg
Sent: Friday, July 10, 2009 2:30 PM
Subject: Mobile Security Expert to Explain How Journalists Hacked Celebrity Cell Phones

Hi

I'm writing to let you know Dan Hoffman, CTO of SMobile System or Joe Hagin, Vice Chairman of SMobile and former CTO of the Bush White House, are available to help you understand how the journalists from The Guardian newspaper OH DEAR in the UK were able to hack into celebrity cell phones CALL THE LAWYERS! More importantly how vulnerable are everyone else's phones and what can be done to protect them from malicious hackers, spammers and others.

Smobile is the world's leading BLAH of BLAH and their BLAHBLAH software is used by multiple agencies in the BLAH to BLAHBLAH.

Please let me know if you are interested in speaking with either Dan or Joe.

Thanks

Lewis Goldberg
973-997-0232

If you would rather not receive future email messages from Smobile, let us know by clicking here. Smobile, 880 Third Ave., 6th Flr., New York, NY 10022 United States

And What Would You Like From The BBQ, Darling?

Sometimes a press release isn't badly written, it's just sort of quietly foul. This just in from a very senior LiS operative in the field.

You know what? I don't even know where to start with this one


Begin forwarded message:

From: "shannon@10yetis.co.uk" [shannon@10yetis.co.uk]
Date: 3 July 2009 12:02:02 BDT
Subject: BEER CAN UP THE BUM CHICKEN THE MOST IN DEMAND BBQ RECIPE OF 2009 SO FAR

Hi XXXXX,

I hope you are well and enjoying the slightly cooler weather we’re having today!

As most men love to BBQ and this summer is set to be a scorcher, I have something that I think your readers might be interested in. My name is Shannon and I represent www.iLoveMyBBQ.com, a website that launched in 2007 as a hobby site, but that has become increasingly popular by word of mouth.

iLoveMyBBQ.com offers visitors great BBQ recipes, as well as tips, advice and reviews of the latest barbecues and BBQ equipment. The release below is all about the Top 5 BBQ Recipes of 2009 so far and the aptly named ‘Beer Can up the Bum Chicken’ has come out on top.

All the recipes in the release can be found at www.iLoveMyBBQ.com, but if you require any more information, feel free to get in touch.

Kind regards,
__________________
Shannon Haigh
Public Relations Yeti
10 Yetis Ltd

Classical Gash

This just in from an LiS operative working deep undercover:

You know how the worst thing about classical concerts is the terrible comfort of the theatre seats, the unpleasant convenience of an interval (with the indignity of being able to order your drinks in advance) and the sheer horror of experiencing music played in an acoustically sympathetic environment?

Well suffer no more! Now you can hear the music you love in a sweaty stinkhole where the air conditioning fails to provide any relief from the soaring temperatures but does make a loud and worrying electrical click every 30 seconds. You'll be free to stand up for the duration or sit on a plastic bucket chair that looks like it was stolen from a youth club in 1978. And if you're a fan of "banter"!

Begin forwarded message:
From: Rosalia Ferrara [rosalia@ferrarapr.com]
Date: 6 July 2009 11:03:11 BST
Subject: LIVE classical performance in a rocknroll EH? environment with a very special guest 'JAMES RHODES' /VOCES8 /Compere at 100 Club on Tuesday 14th July

"LIMELIGHT"
Live CLASSICAL performance in a ROCKnROLL (she means Rock N Roll, maybe) environment with very special guest
‘JAMES RHODES’ (who “he”?)

“It’s a massive honour IT'S NOT THOUGH, REALLY, IS IT? to be first up for the Limelight gigs and playing in such an historic, funky, UGH! FUNKY! wonderful venue such as the 100 Club… Beethoven would approve!” OF A THING HE'D HAVE NO CONCEPT OF? I DOUBT IT – James Rhodes. DON’T YOU MEAN ‘JAMES RHODES’?

LIMELIGHT is launched on Tuesday 14th July at the 100 Club -Central London’s only classical club night. WHY’S THAT THEN?

Limelight presents live classical performances in a rock’n’roll I THOUGHT IT WAS ROCKnROLL (OR rocknroll)? setting. Taking place in Oxford Street’s 100 Club on monthly Tuesdays from July, Limelight will feature established and unsigned classical artists (trans: buskers).

The launch of Limelight takes place on Tuesday 14th July with headline pianist James Rhodes (AKA ‘JAMES RHODES’) supported by vocal group VOCES8.

Limelight is staged at the 100 Club on Oxford Street YOU’VE DONE THIS BIT, with seated and standing room, a bar open throughout the evening, and two live acts performing up to an hour long each. A compere will host the evening, have dialogue with the artist and provide some background on their choice of music for the night. The performers are also welcome to involve the audience in the banter. “BANTER”! OH GOD NO!

Limelight’s organizers are moving away from established methods of producing high quality classical events in favour of PRODUCING HORRIBLE LOW-QUALITY ONES attracting an audience who want to see live music in a more interactive, informative and club-like setting. They believe this informal approach will appeal to artists who relish the idea of getting out of the concert hall and engaging with a new audience. GOOD LUCK WITH THIS.

James Rhodes YOU KNOW HIM AS ‘JAMES RHODES’, who performed at The Queen Elizabeth Hall and this year sold out the Roundhouse, released his debut album ‘Razor blades, little pills and big pianos,’ THAT’S DRUGS ACKCHERLEE! OMFG!!11 will open Limelight, setting the tone and perfectly illustrating Limelight’s ethos.

Next LIMELIGHT events will be on Tuesday 25th August with violinist ‘Charlie Siem’ HERE WE GO AGAIN and Tuesday 8th September – act to be confirmed ‘CONFIRMED’, INNIT.

For more information and OH GIVE IT A REST

Your Survey Said? Uh-Oh...

The following is an astonishingly bad piece of work that left a corporation already in trouble looking even worse. Sending a rubbishy email out to anyone is bad enough, but to send it out to freelance journalists - literally, the most cynically attuned people on the face of the earth, and I mean that in the most glowing sort of way - is actually catastrophic.

I would fully expect the person who wrote this to be sacked forthwith. And for that reason alone I have deleted their name as, frankly, I don't need their blood on my hands.

Thanks to the LiS operative who sent me this:

Hello LiS.

Good to see the failing education system still means you can get actual paid work for EMI PR.

-----
From: *****, ****
Sent: Thursday, July 02, 2009 4:36 PM
Subject: EMI Master database update '09

Hi All
Sorry for the bulk email.....

Some of you may know of me from my previous job at NAME DELETED (hi) but I'm currently helping update the EMI (Virgin/Parlophone) master database list and wondered if you could take 2 mins out of your busy day and send me the below info asap.

The MORE info the better.

1. Name:
2. job: WHY NO CAPITAL?
3. company (s)- I THOUGHT THIS WAS FOR FREELANCE PEOPLE?, then who do you write for and how often:
4. Coverage - reviews/features etc?
5. What feautres YOU MEAN FEATURES? do you actually do?
6. Number(s): ER WHAT DOES THIS MEAN???
7. Email:
8. Website:
9. address:
10. Circ: for any of the publicstions THE WHAT? you may wright (YOU MEAN "WRITE"?) for.
11. Any other info you can provide:coverage/sections - i.e what features/review and in what sections there in. EH? DO YOU MEAN "THEY'RE IN"?

Really appreciate you taking five mins out to complete. I THOUGHT YOU SAID "2 MINS"?

Any problems do not hesitate to get in touch.

Many thanks
**** *****
EMI Press/ freelance PR

-------------------------------------
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