Shock News Just In

A tall "model" thinks being tall is quite good. Having said that, y'know, short people are alright too. I hope Jenay at Yellow Door cried herself to sleep for at least a week after putting her name to this bollocks.

Thanks to the senior LiS operative who sent this in.

This is priceless.

Being tall makes you happier, and the evidence is Lisa Butcher, who goes on to say "On the other hand there’s a huge amount of powerful people in this world that are not tall like Margaret Thatcher, Madonna, Tom Cruise, Nicolas Sarkozy."

Begin forwarded message:

From: Jenay Goultekin [JenayG@yellow-door.com]
Date: 11 September 2009 10:49:18 BDT
Subject: FW: Tall people survey just out - Model Lisa Butcher shares her thoughts!

Hi there,

I thought this might be of interest, a new study in America claims that tall people are happier with their lives… see attached release for further information relating to fashion and supermodel Lisa Butchers SHE MEANS "LISA BUTCHER'S" own thoughts on the subject ATTACHED!

Do get in touch for any tall fashion or Lisa Butcher enquiries FULL STOP HERE, THX

Best wishes

Jenay

I Don't Know What This Means: 2

What is a Camden Wedge anyway? Is it something NOBODY CARES about?

Dear Lost in Showbiz
I knew the very moment I signed up for this I was in for years of heartache. And I've not been disappointed. I get one of these emails almost every day, written by some wag who hopes to make the comedy big time as they think someone at Hattrick might read it and whisk them from their PR hell to a writing gig on Have I Got News For You.

Anyway, all emails from Camden Wedge now go directly to my junk mail box, but I thought I'd share the latest one with you as an example of how to irritate those who've signed up to your scheme so much that they have actively and decisively cut their Wedge cards in two.

Cheers, AN IMPORTANT MEDIA PERSON

FROM: Camden Town [Mail@turninglondonon.com]
Subject: Is it a Wedge? Is it a plane?

Tuesday I've got Monday on my mind... EH?

All this talk of me getting back into a routine of NOBODY CARES Monday newsletters has gone to hell in a hand basket already hasn't it NOBODY CARES? No sooner had I spouted off about the merits of a regular newsletter NOBODY CARES, something that you can all rely on in this mixed up, muddled up, crazy world NOBODY CARES and then BAM! My crazy left ear goes all mental again NOBODY CARES and makes the act of standing worthy of medals NOBODY CARES. So here I am, late but no doubt more entertaining NOBODY CARES than ever (I improve each day, best remember that) NOBODY CARES, BEST REMEMBER THAT.

There are some tasty and soothing Wedge Card deals on offer this week to help comfort us into the fact that there is no Indian Summer, and that we've skipped out the rest of Autumn too, and gone straight smack into the cold, dark and rather overdone winter GET TO THE POINT. Seriously, winter's like that drunk guy at the pub OH PLEASE DON’T DO THIS YOU ARSE with one story that he can't remember who he's told it to, so you hear it about a thousand times before you and your friends “FRIENDS” inevitably do a runner from pub while he's gone to the loo (if you ARE that guy, sorry we totally couldn't find you THIS BIT IS RUBBISH when we went to leave. Sorry.)

So steel yourself and delve into the world of Wedge NOBODY CARES with some tasty delights to help distract you from the weather. Like a bunch of keys NOBODY CARES being jangled in front of a baby NOBODY CARES. Think of me like that. Ahead of a major website overhaul NOBODY CARES we have upgraded your Wedge experience NOBODY CARES so that each Wedge Card offer has it's own page NOBODY CARES and it's now much easier to navigate around NOBODY CARES. Hooray I hear you cry from across Camden Town, and OH CHRIST ALRIGHT YOU CAN STOP NOW.

My Rock Biog Hell: Alita's Purse

Are they called Alita's Purse? Oh, I can't remember, anyway, who cares? A biog like this is going to turn off way more people than will ever listen to the band. Why do people do it? Why didn't someone go, 'You can't send this out as your biog, it's laughably bad! It's one ball-aching cliche after another. Haven't you got even one tiny slice of imagination? Oh, hang on, apparently it doesn't matter because your HARD ROCKING and DEDICATED and stuff. My mistake!'

Thanks to the senior LiS operative that sent me this.

From: Bill Cummings
Date: 2009/9/10
Subject: Alita’s Curse release their new download single ‘BLAH’ on BLAHBLAH
To: Alita's Curse Info [alitascurse@live.co.uk]
Hello there,

I'd like to introduce you (if you haven't heard of them before GOOD START!) to a new rock band from London I'm working with called Alita's Curse BAD NAME. They have a new download single AMAZING! out BLAH. If you'd like a hard copy to review it can be arranged because hey HE MEANS "THEY" are currently being sent out to many radio and press outlets REALLY? THIS BAND MUST BE GOOD IF THEY'RE SPAMMING, LIKE, THE FLY WITH THEIR STUFF. You can hear the single and other tracks on their BORING BLOG or alternatively if you'd like the download to review off there's a yousend BORING!. Press release below, and artwork attached. We welcome all features, reviews, airplay and interviews YES, I'M SURE...

cheers

“Delicious – designed to turn a crowd into a sea of flailing limbs NICE. Fans of rock with a twist NICER should be feasting NICEST on it!”

8/10 Rock Pulse Zine THE MIGHTY ROCK PULSE ZINE HAVE SPOKEN PEOPLE! LISTEN UP!


Hard rocking HARD ROCKING! London based four piece Alita’s Curse release their new single ‘BLAH’ as a download only BAD LUCK release through BLAH on BLAH. It’s backed up by explosive EXPLOSIVE! LIKE AN EXPLOSION! live track ‘BLAH’, which will be available completely FREE via BLAH on the same date.

Alita’s Curse burst CLICHE ALERT onto the London scene CLICHE ALERT n 2009 with a sound that’s steeped CLICHE ALERT in the hard-edged power CLICHE ALERT of their addictive CLICHE ALERT rock songs. Their new single ‘BLAH melds CLICHE ALERT the insatiable melodies MEANINGLESS CLICHE ALERT of Guns and Roses HE MEANS GUNS N' ROSES with the explosive CLICHE ALERT, unstoppable CLICHE ALERT old school rock CLICHE ALERT of early Black Sabbath CLICHE ALERT, but crucially CLICHE ALERT it’s shot through CLICHE ALERT with their own experiences CLICHE ALERT of relationships HE MEANS THEY GOT DUMPED ONCE in the modern world and this is what makes them stand out CLICHE ALERT from the crowd. It’s a sound forged on hard work CLICHE ALERT, constant gigging CLICHE ALERT and a complete conviction CLICHE ALERT in everything they do.


In early 2009 they played their debut live show in front of a 700 strong crowd at Camden’s Dingwalls, and instantly CLICHE ALERT turned the mob CLICHE ALERT into a pit of fans gagging for more BULLSHIT CLICHE ALERT. Immediately following this with a headline show at IBAR "NEVER HEARD OF IT": THE WORLD, they turned in a bigger crowd than signed support act Imperial Vipers BIGGER THAN THE VIPERS' CROWD? BUT THEY'RE SIGNED? THAT'S AMAZING. The band were then offered a headline gig at Monto Water Rats in June when the venue’s promoter reacted to the buzz the Curse have created since the debut gig in April THIS BIT NEEDS A LOT OF WORK. This comes after another headline slot at the famous Purple Turtle "NEVER HEARD OF IT": THE WORLD in Camden on May 24th. Look out for more live dates this winter in support of their new single.


Earlier this year their powerhouse sound CLICHE ALERT caught the ear CLICHE ALERT of TV production giants BLAHBLAH who contacted Alita’s Curse to film them performing for a new multi million dollar BLAH Channel show titled “BLAH BLAH BLAH” filmed at Kentish Town’s HMV Forum. The show will be broadcast worldwide in BLAH.

Since then they’ve gained GAINED! radio play with Totalrock radio who also offered the band a festival slot AMAZING!, Xfm on John Kennedy’s Xposure show, and most prominently Ian Camfield's The Rock Show with debut release "BLAH" - Alita’s Curse are becoming a force CLICHE ALERT to be reckoned with CLICHE ALERT. The band will continue recording their debut album “BLAH BLAH” throughout the remainder of 2009 with more single releases to come between now and 2010.

ALITA’S CURSE

BLOKE 1 – vocals/guitar
BLOKE 2 – guitar
BLOKE 3 – bass
BLOKE 99 – drums

80s Crapfest PR Disaster

This heavily annotated email has just arrived from an LiS reader situated in the hot-seat of a hugely popular national newspaper. No cheery message either, they just went straight into it. Clearly a very busy person. Memo to PRs, sometimes it's worse when journalists do read your press release rather than when, as is more usual, they delete it without even glancing at the subject line as soon as it enters their inbox.

To: Sarah Priddis [sarah@mason-williams.com]
Subject: Interview opportunity - 80's brands SHE MEANS "80s" AND "BANDS"

Interview Opportunities with 80’s SHE MEANS "80s" chart toppers

80’s SHE MEANS "80s" chart toppers headline at Pub in the Park
Paul Young, T’Pau, ABC and Go West

What Pub in the Park
Where Greenwich Park, London

80’s ROGUE APOSTROPHE ALERT! fever is raging WHERE? and leading the call WHAT CALL? is Pub in the Park. London’s brand new festival of all things pub, ROGUE COMMA ALERT has put together the ultimate 80’s ROGUE APOSTROPHE ALERT revival night with some of the biggest names YOU MEAN U2, MADONNA AND PRINCE ARE PLAYING? from the much beloved BY WHOM? decade.

Taking place in Greenwich Park from 18-20 September, Pub in the Park is an exciting “EXCITING”! new three-day event, which celebrates an essential and unique “UNIQUE”! part of our culture - The Great British Pub. OH GET LOST.

Saturday 19 September at Pub in the Park will bring together the stars of the 80’s SHE MEANS “80s” – Go West, Paul Young, ABC and T’Pau *SAD FACE*

INTERVIEW OPPORTUNITIES
Paul Young- Perhaps one of the biggest names of the 80’s JESUS, JUST READ A GRAMMAR BOOK was Paul Young. Paul Young famously MARVIN GAYE SANG IT MORE A LITTLE MORE FAMOUSLY, DIDN'T HE sang 'Wherever I lay my hat’, a track that became the soundtrack to the summer of 1983 and kept the No. 1 position for three weeks WAS SUMMER 1983 ONLY THREE WEEKS LONG? This was the first of fourteen SHE MEANS “14” British Top 40 singles. 16 SHE MEANS “Sixteen” years later, he’s set to steal the show and make 2009 his summer all over again! NO HE'S NOT. AND IT'S NOT SUMMER, IT'S AUTUMN.

ABC- With the release of ‘Look of Love; The very best of ABC’ ABC celebrate their return to the recording studio IF IT'S A BEST-OF, IS IT REALLY A RETURN TO THE RECORDING STUDIO? with just two UK appearances this summer – Pub in the Park in Greenwich will be a much anticipated show BY WHOM? a band much praised in the 80’s CHRIST and still loved today.

Go West - Pop Duo Go West will lead the bill DOES THIS MEAN OPEN OR HEADLINE? Formed in 1982 by Peter Cox, Go West are best known for the smash hits, We Close Our Eyes and The King of Wishful Thinking. They continue to thrill crowds *SAYS NOTHING* at gigs all over the world WHERE?, and are currently writing more new material JESUS, THAT IS BAD NEWS – see it first I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT AT ALL, THANK YOU along with all your favourites *SAYS NOTHING AGAIN* at Pub in the Park.

Carol Decker / T’Pau- Led by Carol Decker YES, WE GUESSED, T’Pau has a string of top 40 hits BUT YOU CAN'T REMEMBER ANY OF THEIR NAMES, CAN YOU? in the late 80s in both the UK and the US following success on a Pepe Jeans ad that shot them to fame in the States THIS SENTENCE NEEDS A RE-WRITE. Carol hit the screens again last year as part of the ‘Here & Now’ 80s tour and is bring the EH? nostalgia of that brilliant decade THE DECADE WAS NOT NOSTALGIC AT THE TIME, WAS IT? SO IT WOULD BE NOSTALGIA FOR THAT BRILLIANT DECADE, WHICH WASN'T BRILLIANT. AND IF ALL THE OTHER ACTS ARE BRINGING THE NOSTALGIA, TOO, WHAT'S HER USP? to Pub in the Park in September.

The Pub in the Park 80s night will be kick started by Two Choices WHO?. Hailed as the best new indie rock band of 2009 at the Unsigned Awards THE WHAT?, Two Choices are no strangers to playing the pub scene NO, THEY'RE PROBABLY NOT and have been tipped for great things BY WHOM? Not forgetting that they come from legendary stock – this is Roger Daltrey’s son’s band OH, THEY’LL BE GOOD THEN.

Pub in the Park is everything we love about the Great British Pub celebrated in the stunning surroundings of Greenwich Park NOW, THE ONE THING I LOVE ABOUT MY GREAT BRITISH PUB IS THE CERTAINTY THAT I WILL NEVER HEAR PAUL YOUNG, GO WEST, ABC OR T'PAU THERE, SO THIS IS PLAINLY A LIE.

Sarah Priddis
Account Director

I Want To Break Free Of This Rubbish

The album's called Absolute Greatest. The press release has been filed under Absolute Bollocks. Queen are a terrible band, but even I think they deserve better than this.

Thanks to an LiS reader with a taste for olives for sending it in.

From: "O'Brien, Richard" [OBrienR@emigroup.com]
Date: 3 September 2009 10:35:03 BST
Subject: NEWS FROM EMI: Queen - Absolute Greatest hits package released November 9

QUEEN – ABSOLUTE GREATEST

20 Years of Biggest of Queen’s Biggest Hits - In music (and pictures & live performances) Four CD & Vinyl/Compact & Luxury Formats. 2 Digital formats.

Queen. Someone ought to erect a monument to them GREAT START! Think about it: they’ve ruled their game longer than many of our most famous leaders STARTING TO WOBBLE ALREADY, their words can be repeated by many more than can recite our most celebrated writers THIS IS GETTING UGLY NOW, and despite more than three generations passing since they first blasted their way into our consciences HE MEANS CONSCIOUSNESS, they’re just as omnipresent today as they ever were OH DEAR ME, THIS IS BAD. Just for starters (and more to follow):

- Queen are Britain’s favourite band: the BPI BLAHBLAHBLAH 50 years ago.

- Queen are the most BLAHBLAHBLAH 300 million records sold.

And let’s not forget Queen’s unmatched global dominance as live artists HE’S BEEN DEAD FOR 18 YEARS. There’s not a continent in the world Queen’s legendary tours haven’t touched down in, in many cases arriving ahead of anyone else: think South America, Mexico, the Eastern Bloc. AND SOUTH AFRICA! YOU FORGOT THAT ONE! And who but the wisest would know that even somewhere down there in the desert of Antarcticasits YOU WHAT? a permanent plaque bearing Queen’s name HAVE ANOTHER GO AT THIS ONE.

- Always ready to try something new, Queen brokerock YOU MEAN “BROKE ROCK” convention and created a stage musical THAT’S NOT “BREAKING CONVENTION” IT’S CALLED WALLET-EMPTYING BRAND BUILDING, We Will Rock You, and some eight years on it still sells out nightly in Londonand HE MEANS “LONDON AND” just recently their all-time worldwide audience crossed over the 10 million mark.

Beyond that, Queen continue to sell out concerts, are ready to lend their celebrity power unreservedly when they see just causes – such as Nelson Mandela’s 46664 campaign *SAYS NOTHING*; have quietly collected and distributed over $15 million dollars through their own charity the Mercury Phoenix Trust - fighting AIDS worldwide, and most telling of all, continue to be held in the highest esteem by the lead runners in today’s Rock Pack I LOVE ALL THE LEADING RUNNERS IN TODAY'S ROCK PACK, DON'T YOU? who cite the band’s influence over them in their founding years.

Let’s face it: few other acts have so embedded themselves into our lives that we can’t imagine a time when Queen weren’t around, or can imagine such a time in the future. THIS BIT IS BALLS.

So what is it about Queen that makes it all so? SO WHAT?

You have to look no further than the BLAHBLAH all comes from.

Charting over 21 years of making people rock OUCH!, feel OUCH!, sense MAKING PEOPLE SENSE? and celebrate, Absolute Greatest reminds us just what fine, and smart, rock and pop writers and musicians Messrs "MESSRS" AMAZING! Deacon, May, Mercury and Taylor were (are SAD FACE). Also that they had a sense of humour, which is perhaps another thing that made them so accessible. ONE OF THE ALL-TIME BAD SENTENCES OF ALL-TIME THERE.

The earliest hit presented here, Seven Seas of Rhye (1974) reminds us of those days when we wondered about why they had chosen the name Queen PERHAPS ONE OF THEM WAS A HOMOSEXUAL?, whether they really were just an arrogant bunch pushing their luck in Zandra Rhodes frocks and black nail varnish AMAZING, or whether they really were the future of Progressive Rock? KILL ME NOW To make us further wonder, they didn’t stop there - they went on to defiantly title their next single Killer Queen. OH CHRIST PLEASE DON’T GO THROUGH ALL OF THEM.

Then they flashed the wit and made us all smile and feel good at the same time with those jaunty ditties JAUNTY DITTIES! like Crazy Little Thing Called Love, Radio Ga Ga, and I Want To Break Free. And hell, who would have thought that Roger Taylor would look so fetching in that pre-Britney schoolgirl outfit? KILL ME AGAIN. HARDER THIS TIME.

And if you wanted a mass celebration, who better than Queen, who could bond tens of thousands of total strangers and get them chanting or arm-waving in unison to May’s terse TERSE? TERSE? We Will Rock You or Mercury’s more emotionally charged We Are The Champions.

They could at the drop of a hat be romantic, as Deacon proved with You’re My Best Friend, or friends to heartbreak, as we saw in Mercury’s Somebody to Love or May’s Who Wants to Live Forever.

Queen provided a mood and backdrop for every time and every occasion, and were often at their best when they went for almost breath-taking high drama: aided by David Bowie they gave us the brooding heart pounding rhythms of Under Pressure, the operatically ballistic THAT’S “OPERATICALLY BALLISTIC”, PEOPLE! Bohemian Rhapsody, and perhaps the ultimate curtain-call rock song, The Show Must Go On.

A joyous celebration of Queen’s - and many of our own - greatest BLAH this collection.

In a limited-edition BLAH performances.

OK - so it should not be expected we will see the likenesses of Queen carved into Mount Rushmore PERHAPS IF THEY WERE AMERICAN. OR POLITICIANS or find their way to a Trafalgar Square plinth (now there’s an AWFUL idea), so for the moment let’s accept that Absolute Greatest will serve as a terrific tribute to a monumental music YOU MEAN MUSICAL history. Ah, these are (indeed) the days of our lives. AMAZING FINISH – TAKE REST OF DAY OFF!

Dead Man Walker-ing

There's something unutterably sad about this. Personally, I couldn't give a monkey's about Ian Walker. I don't know him, don't care about him, certainly don't wish him any ill will. But even I - as someone who cares not one jot about football - knows there's no such team as "Leicestershire". Even the quickest, most I'm-on-my-way-out-the-door-to-M&S-but-quickly-fire-up-Wikipedia glance at the internet would have told Sue at "Celebagents" that the "Celeb" she's "agent" for played for Leicester City. On the upside, I love the mystery of why Walker's in the UK "for a while". Court appearance? Visitation rights? Buy-to-let empire going tits up? Poorly nana? And I have to admit I love Sue's use of "e mail", like it's still 1998 and everyone says, "Oh, I love the information superhighway! I've just seen this amazing website with a dancing baby! It's hilarious! You can see it at h,t,t,p, all lower case, yes, um, is it a slash or a colon after that? Uhm, well..."

Thanks to the seasoned LiS operative situated in a city with a mighty castle for this beauty.

Astrology! Astronomy! What's The Difference?

Well, according to someone who is, I read, Head of Publicity at Carlton Publishing Group, not very much at all. Which is a shame as, to be honest, they're actually quite different. And suggesting your client is into one rather than another completely undercuts everything he has to say. And makes him - and you - sound ridiculous. So that's a shame.

Thanks to an LiS General situated in a tall glass building for this.

I think this person might find that Brian May is, in fact, an astronomer - with a PhD in astro physics. An astrologer has no qualifications whatsoever and simply makes stuff up about people (depending on what day they were born, not that it's important when they were born as, like I said, they've made it all up anyway).

But thanks for the heads-up.

From: A person who has asked, politely, for their name to be removed
Subject: BRIAN MAY to launch his astrology book, BANG!, on 5th September

Everyone knows Brian May for being the lead guitarist in the legendary rock band QUEEN, but not everyone knows he is also an expert in astrology and has written a book all about it - BANG!

On 5th September award winning Bookstore, Torbay Bookshop, will be launching the new paperback edition of the BANG! with Brian May and the two other authors Chris Lintott and Sir Patrick Moore signing copies of the book for the public.

At least 500 people are expected to come and see the legendary rock star, now converted to academic GREAT SENTENCE, IN FACT, THAT'S THE KIND OF SENTENCE ONLY A HEAD OF PUBLICITY COULD REALLY BE EXPECTED TO COME UP WITH! All three authors will be available, this one time only, for press interviews.

--
A Person Who Once Was
Head of Publicity
Carlton Publishing Group
20 Mortimer Street
London W1T 3JW