Top Of The Pop Ups

I'm going to step aside and let this angry LiS operative situated in a position of power at a national newspaper take over. "Pop Up" PRs would do well to read on...

Will you c**t-witted PRs desperate to appear hip to your suited clients please f*ck off with your pop up clubs/bars/shops and assorted twat emporiums?

Recently I've had:

Laura from Money with the email: Rosie Lovell pop up restaurant and cultural Christmas experience! She's the author of Spooning with Rosie, dontcha know?

Nicola from Coverdale Davis comes up with her original idea: Blaguette Pop-Up Shop. Except there is nothing pop up about it. It's a f*cking shop full stop.

Love Fashion come out a corker that combines the new buzz word and street talk in such an excruciating fashion that even a hip Geography teacher would squirm at it.
Invitation: Fashion X Showroom, pop-up boutique and 'Da Sidewalk is da Catwalk' (THIS ONE ACTUALLY MAKES A LITTLE BIT OF SICK APPEAR IN MY MOUTH *sad face*)

Cassandra at de Winter PR has obviously never heard of temporary radio licenses that have been handed out for decades. Or pirate radio either for that matter. Now - drum roll - it is a pop up station.

Then the normally reliable James at Sony sent out:
THIRD MAN ANNOUNCE SPECIAL LONDON POP UP STORE & DEAD WEATHER TV.

And then this one. Every single year in my home town an empty shop is taken over for a couple of weeks to flog Christmas wrapping paper and gift tags only to close on Boxing day. Here in London a temporary Christmas gift shop is a pop up urban shop. C*nts!


----- Forwarded message -----
FROM: Eva McBride [eva@gonefishingpr.com]
Subject: You are invited to the Christmas Flying Eye Pop Up Urban Shop preview

FLYING EYE BALL POP UP SHOP AND EXHIBITION
10am- 8pm
27 CORK STREET, MAYFAIR, LONDON

INKIE, the King Pin AMAZING! of the UK Graffiti scene for the past 25 years returns this Christmas to bring us a whole sack-full of original art works, canvases, prints, toys, sculptures, T-shirts and books from some of Europe’s finest artists. This urban pop up shop is one of it’s SHE MEANS ONE OF "A" kind, and will be found popping-up in delightful Cork Street, Mayfair, the hub of London’s Art finery LONDON'S ART WHAT?. This is the first of many Flying Eyeball Productions so watch this art space AMAZING (AGAIN)! This Christmas Pop up shop is the strongest visual feast from any European Urban Art Exhibition this season OH RLY?

The pop up shop will open its doors to the public just in time to snap up some one-of-a kind, quirky Christmas gifts, perfect for the man or woman who has everything. 24 carat gold leaf prints from INKIE and 28 colour screen prints from Drum and Bass legend Goldie, will be on offer to tickle your festive fancy GOOD WORK, KEEP GOING.

Other stocking filler goodies including unique sculptures and toys will be on offer from *DEEP BREATH* Heavy Dave, Shoe, Inkie, Eine, Scalp Rot, Mysterious Al, Sickboy, Chew My Boxers, Insa, Zeus, Hush, Mau Mau, Stink-gasm, Kid Acne, Steff Plaetz, Chu, Shok 1, RYCA, Asthmatic Prawn, David Walker, Wazzock, China Mike, Part2ism, Ben Allen, Andy Council-House, Pure Evil, Shazer, George Morton Clark, Milk, Heavy Biscuits, Dora and Don. And Winky. And Blouse. I'VE MADE SOME OF THESE UP - CAN YOU GUESS WHICH ONES?

Heralding from the infamous Bristol School of Graffiti BAD WRITING ALERT, Inkie has been identified as one of the leading UK urban artists alongside Banksy, Nick Walker and Massive Attacks SHE MEANS MASSIVE ATTACK'S 3D. A dominant presence for over 2 SHE MEANS TWO decades on the international graffiti scene, Inkie’s trademark Ink Nouveau ladies and striking wildstyles draw from diverse inspiration ranging from *READS FROM OLD PRESS RELEASE* Art Nouveau, Ancient Architecture, Natural forms and Islamic Geometry. RIGHT YOU ARE.


A private press and buyers viewing will also take place on OH WOTEVA...

What's The Skinny?

This just in from an LiS reader who works for a serious internet "journal".

Would you please just fack out of my inbox with your awful press release.

---------- Forwarded message ----------
From: George [georgia@freewheelinmedia.com]
Date: 2009/11/26
Subject: DEC 7th RELEASE ** Skinny Lister- 'December'- 7th December**

**DECEMBER SINGLE & ONES TO WATCH**

Hello!

Skinny Lister is a harmonious wonder OH GOD, HERE WE GO of modern musical times, totally at one with the 'old style days' WHAT IN THE NAME OF EVERYTHING WE HOLD HOLY DOES 'OLD STYLE DAYS' ACTUALLY MEAN? where humanity and nature weremore SHE MEANS "WERE MORE" closely aligned, before concrete towers BOO! and obstructed horizons DOUBLE-BOO! reduced emotions to a monotonous average OH DO ME A FAVOUR LOVE.

Where folk danced in the countryside PAGING ALL FIRST YEAR THOMAS HARDY STUDENTS, hand in hand with lovers, while friends played their tunes and melodies under the ever-changing skies PERHAPS IF SOMEONE COULD KILL ME NOW? THANKS.

Their second single ‘December’, taken from their forthcoming album scheduled to SHE MEANS "FOR" release next year, is a rich track full of familiarity SO IT'S LIKE A LOAD OF THINGS WE'VE ALREADY HEARD THEN, GREAT!, winter warmth and melancholic memories TITILLATE ME WITH ALLITERATION!. Featuring a beautifully heart felt acoustic arrangement IE BORING ACOUSTIC TWANGING which sets the scene for winters, long days, falling leaves and times from days gone by YOU NEED TO GET OVER THIS 'DAYS GONE BY' CRAP, REAL TALK.

Their beautiful debut track ‘Plough & Orion’ was picked up by 6Music, BBC2‘s ‘The Cut’, Artrocker Magazine, The Independent amongst other *SNOOZES PEACEFULLY*. Skinny Lister’s beautiful songwriting and intimate artrock performances showcase their talents to a tee; sometimes sombre yet sweet in nature and gentle to the ear, a sense of timelessness and creativity make the Skinny Lister experience laid back and effortlessly enjoyable IN SHORT: CATASTROPHICALLY BORING GUITAR TWIDDLERS IN SILLY HATS THEN.

Andre And Buena: Together At Last!

Sometimes I feel sorry for a PR who is, y'know, trying their best, but just doesn't have the skills to get one past a magnificently unforgiving newspaper professional...

Dear LiS

They lost me at "Fans go wild"...

FWD MESSAGE______________________________
From: "Eleanor" [eleanor@bornfree.org.uk]

SUBJECT: WORLD EXCLUSIVE: FANS GO WILD AS PETER ANDRE AND MUTYA BUENA ANNOUNCE THAT THEY WILL PERFORM ‘UNCONDITIONAL’ FOR THE FIRST TIME TOGETHER AT BORN FREE’S WILD & LIVE

7.30pm SATURDAY 14th NOVEMBER 2009, ROYAL ALBERT HALL



Fans of Peter Andre and ex Sugababe Mutya Buena CAN SOMEONE RESERVE EIGHT SEATS NOW PLEASE will get a unique opportunity to see the two stars "STARS" perform together for the first time in public; at Born Free’s star studded WILD & LIVE at the Royal Albert Hall. Their one-off appearance will set the show alight I WOULD RATHER BE SET ALIGHT THAN SUFFER EVEN ONE SECOND OF THESE TWO BOW-LEGGED, ARSE-FACED, WALL-EYED, CROW-FOOTED, MOUTH-BREATHING, NOSE-PICKING, WASHED-UP SQUAWKERS with a version of Peter’s new single ‘Unconditional’, tipped to be No 1 when it is released next week. AMAZING (IE, NOT AMAZING).

Following Pete’s announcement on Facebook FACEBOOK! BRILLIANT! that he was scheduled to perform at WILD & LIVE in advance of his ‘Revelation Tour’ in 2010, the Born Free offices were inundated by calls from excited fans. SID AND DORIS BONKERS, CALLING FROM NEASDEN ON BEHALF OF THEIR GOD-DAUGHTER, CANAPE (CURRENTLY ON LOCK-DOWN *SAD FACE*).

At the eagerly anticipated WILD & LIVE both Pete and Mutya will perform several of their chart hits THAT'LL BE GOOD before joining together for ‘Unconditional’.

Mutya was in the original chart topping Sugababe line up and the band went on to become one of the most successful UK girl bands in British history, with four platinum selling albums, six number one singles, a BRIT-Award as well as a platinum-selling greatest hits album. THEN SHE LEFT AND HER CAREER DIED LIKE A LOUSE IN A RUSSIAN'S BEARD, REMEMBER THAT BIT?

Peter is now a much loved household name OH DO FACK OFF with a huge and loyal fan base YEAH. He has achieved 8 top 5 singles in the UK alone, including four number 1s. His new single GET ON WITH IT...

WILD & LIVE takes place at the Royal Albert Hall on Saturday 14th November at 7:30pm where Peter and Mutya will be joined by an international line-up of top stars from the world of music and entertainment. Including THIS IS THE REALLY GOOD BIT

Bryan Adams (OK, STAR), Martin Clunes (MORE OF A TWAT THAN A STAR, TBH), Beverley Craven (HAHAHAHAHA), Karen Hardy (WHO SHE?) and Mark Ramprakash (WHO HE?), Gabriella Cilmi (NOT A STAR), Kiki Dee (HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA) and Carmelo Luggeri (WHO HE?), Rolf Harris (STAR), Tony Mortimer (HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA), Robert Wells (WHO HE?), Fuse (WHO THEY?), African Drummers (WHAT, ALL OF THEM?), Fire Poet (EH?), Inspire Choir (WHO?), Nick Knowles (COCK-END), Donal and Ameera MacIntyre (COCK-ENDS), John Altman (THEY MEAN NICK COTTON), Michael McKell (WHO HE?), Gary Webster (WHO HE?) and Wendy Turner (WHO SHE?), Rula Lenska (AMAZING), Anneka Rice (NOT AMAZING), Catriona Wiles (WHO SHE?) and Partner (WHO?) Virginia McKenna (DESERVES HIGHER BILLING), Joanna Lumley (DESERVES MUCH HIGHER BILLING), Graham Norton (TWAT), Lady Victoria Hervey (HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA), Helen Worth (THEY MEAN GAIL TILSLEY), Mark Austin (WHO HE?).


Marking the 25th Anniversary of the Born Free Foundation, funds raised from the concert will help save the lives of over 25,000 animals in the wild and alleviate the suffering of animals in captivity, including many threatened and endangered species OH NEVER MIND ABOUT ALL THAT SHIT, WHEN'S NICK COTTON ON?).

A special range of WILD & LIVE merchandise has been produced including specially designed T.Shirts and ribbons and with profits from the sale of each item going to save the OH WOTEVA...

He's The Simon Cowell Of Urinals, Apparently

This just in from an LiS operative working undercover. Claiming you're the "Simon Cowell" of anything is so reductive and pointless, so leaden and tiresome and silly and misguided and useless it makes my teeth ache. To say you're the Simon Cowell of Pissoirs - indeed, to trumpet the idea in a press release - is to shout from the very rooftops that you are a lumpen oaf. It is Titanically awful. Still, as long as your name "gets about", eh.

Forwarded Message
From: Alex Garvey [alex@londonpragency.com]
Date: Tue, 3 Nov 2009 15:08:36 -0000
Subject: I'm The Simon Cowell of urinals

Hi – would you like to feature this? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! NO.

“I’m the Simon Cowell of urinals!”

He’s created everything - from door knobs for Sir Elton John to luxurious clubs for A-listers and places for ladies who lunch in Harvey Nichols…to kebab shops and park benches in the Midlands THE MIDLANDS - THAT'S WHERE POOR PEOPLE LIVE :( Now interior designer Philip Watts is staging a retrospective, back at the university where it all began.

He says: “It’s our guiding philosophy to take uninteresting, unloved objects and breathe new life into them, make them exciting.

“We’ve turned our attention to objects as disparate as urinals, door handles and cigarette bins. Anything unloved and uninteresting, let’s play with it and make it stimulating and exciting. OH AMAZING.

“I suppose I have a fascination with objects, I say, ‘God, you’re dull. Why are you dull? There’s no need for you to be dull. THIS IS PRECISELY WHAT I WAS THINKING. Let’s make you good.’

“People LIKE WHO? say we give objects personality. It’s like the X Factor for the uninteresting architecture of life. I am the Simon Cowell of urinals! We take boring objects and we turn them into stars and then send them out into the OH CHRIST ALRIGHT, GIVE IT A REST...

Blind Stupidity

It's been a while, sorry. Had a lot on.

This just in from an LiS operative embedded in the field. And stuff.

Dear LiS,

Some time back I sent you a monumentally stupid press release about net curtains unfairly being the butt of music hall jokes - unfair because of how they stop burglars getting into your house and all that.

I now feel I was a little harsh on senders of that first email. For I have now been sent another release - about window dressings, again - which is so horrifically dreadful I am convinced it is sent to me in malice. I shall resist self-harming however, and hoping you don't mind too much, will send it to you to do with it as you will. I'm upset, you can imagine.

To be fair, it is not all bad. I can't deny I enjoyed the reference to "canopes" and the use of "!" where there really is no need, although I do like the graph demonstrating just how each type of blind connects with different areas of the UK.


----- Forwarded 27/10/2009 16:20
FROM: "Kirsty Hunt" [khpr@btinternet.com]
SUBJECT: Where we live affects window dressing, reveals research

Where we live has a huge influence on our choice of window dressing, according to research published today.

A new report has revealed that homeowners living in the Midlands opt for Vertical blinds, as do those in the South East. Whereas people living in the North West like the simplicity of Venetian blinds, the South West has a preference for Pleated and those in the North East, Scotland, Ireland and Wales favour Roller blinds THIS IS AMAZING STUFF - KEEP GOING!

And according to Jenny Eaton from NAME DELETED Northampton “MIDLANDERS LIKE THEIR PRIVACY”. DID SHE SCREAM IT LIKE THAT TOO? IS SHE MAD? She said, “Northampton, like many Midlands-based towns, has quite a few terraced houses where the front room window looks out on to the street. Vertical blinds are the best equivalent to net curtains, which are now considered old fashioned, and offer privacy without blocking out too much light, which is why I think they’re so popular.” I THINK I LOVE YOU, JENNY.

The study was carried out by NAME DELETED Blinds, one of the UK and Ireland’s largest retailers of blinds, shutters and awnings.

Homeowners in the South East are adopting the trend for shutters faster than anywhere else in the UK and Ireland, with twice as many customers fitting shutters in their homes. INCREDIBLE - THIS IS THE SORT OF INCISIVE STUFF WE'D PROBABLY LOSE IN A "FREEMIUM"-LED UNIVERSE.

More awnings and canopes CANOPES! LIKE CANOPIES, ONLY NOT QUITE AS USEFUL IN THE RAIN (OR THE SUN) are also sold in the South East than the rest of the country – it must be the weather! YES! HAHAHAHAHA! IT MUST BE!

General Manager of NAME DELETED Blinds Gary Chambers said: “I WANTED TO BE A TRAIN DRIVER OR AN ASTRONAUT. OR EVEN A POLICEMAN. BUT NO. I SELL BLINDS. FRANKLY, IT WOULD BE BETTER IF I'D NEVER BEEN BORN [sad face]. We started to see some general trends and decided to delve deeper into different regions’ buying decisions and style choice. We thought there would be more OH, ALRIGHT, "GARY". GIVE IT A REST.

“We knew shutters were really taking off in the South East, but it was interesting to see that Roller Blinds were the most popular option in Scotland. YES, THAT MUST HAVE BEEN AN AMAZING DAY IN THE OFFICE WHEN THAT NEWS CAME IN! I BET YOU LOT AT NAME DELETED BLINDS MUST HAVE GONE FACKING MENTAL WHEN THE WHOLE "ROLLER BLINDS IN SCOTLAND" INFO BEGAN TO FILTER THROUGH ON THE OLD TICKER-TAPE MACHINE. I SEE DOLLY-BIRD SECRETARIES KISSING FLUSTERED MANAGING DIRECTORS, JUNIOR OFFICE CLERKS DREAMING OF AN EXTRA HALF OF MILD AT LUNCHTIME AND THE ENTIRE SALES-FORCE SAT IN LINE IN THE CAR-PARK REVVING THEIR SIERRAS. WHAT A DAY. WHAT A DAY!

“Shutters, Verticals and Venetians offer more privacy over roller and roman blinds so maybe this says something about people living in these regions!” CHRIST, YES! IT DOES! IT REALLY DOES!

He added: “The best selling blind in the whole of the UK is the Roller blind.” GARY, YOU ARE THE MOST INCREDIBLE MAN. THANK YOU! FROM ALL OF US! THANK YOU!

To find your nearest NAME DELETED Blinds stockist visit www.GOOGLE.co.uk or call DIRECTORY ENQUIRIES

Banksy and Thom Yorke: It's A Twat Trap

This is tiresomely awful. I mean actually wearying.

Dear LiS

This is the biggest load of rubbish I have ever read in my entire life.

yours

A concerned citizen.

Beta Culture [contact@betaculture.org]
Subject: Yorke denies Banksy video
Date: 24 September, 2009 01:14:34 PM BST

For immediate release:

Thom Yorke denies connection to Banksy video.

Media artist OR, IF YOU PREFER, "TWAT", Raymond Salvatore Harmon manipulated major media outlets AMAZING! this past week who reported on his Thom Yorke/Banksy music video mashup OH CHRIST, OFF WE GO AGAIN as an 'official Yorke video.'

In an act that has been labeled as 'art terrorism' BY WHOM? and 'video graffiti' BY WHOM? hundreds of major media sources have reported over the past 3 days that a video piece created by YOU'VE DONE THIS BIT Harmon was in fact the 'official' video from Thom Yorke.

Utilizing a "seizure inducing array of Banksy imagery" *STIFLES EPIC, MOUTH-SPLITTING YAWN* the video presents itself as a music video for Radiohead frontman YOU'VE DONE THIS BIT TOO Thom Yorke's recently released "the Hollow Earth" THEY MEAN "The Hollow Earth" single.

With a simple 300 word press release UNLIKE THIS ONE Harmon was able to generate tens of thousands of hits and extensive coverage in major media outlets such as the BBC, Pitchfork, Rolling Stone, Entertainment Weekly, the Guardian, Dose DOSE!, and a TV spot from the ITN network ITN! BLESS! video feed in as little as 48 hours THAT'S ACTUALLY A REALLY LONG TIME.

The lack of fact-checking and lax in reporting THIS DOESN'T MEAN ANYTHING from major media outlets outlines the weakness of information structures in today's news and
media spectrum OH, PISS OFF YOU TWATS. Harmon's use of such iconic British personalities as Yorke and graffiti artist Banksy (whose identity is still uncertain WHICH MEANS HE'S HARDLY "ICONIC", EH?) as bait has lead to much speculation about truth in reporting NO IT HASN'T, YOU PISS-ANTS.

The images used in the video outline Banksy's commentary on such icons as Mickey Mouse and Ronald Mcdonald THEY MEAN "McDonald", VERY LAX FACT-CHECKING THERE yet incorporate Banksy's work much the way Banksy himself uses corporate imagery as social commentary WOULD ALL POLYTECHNIC OF SOUTH IDIOTSHIRE FIRST YEAR SOCIOLOGY STUDENTS LINE UP HERE, PLEASE.

Harmon describes the piece as a work of his art "ART", both as an experimental video piece and as a commentary on the state of corporate controlled media and news outlets HE IS, LIKE, THE NEW WARHOL OR SOMETHING.

A spoke person THEY MEAN "spokesperson" VERY LAX FACT-CHECKING THERE for Yorke has asked Youtube THEY MEAN "YouTube" VERY LAX FACT-CHECKING THERE to remove the video even though 7 THEY MEAN "seven" VERY LAX FACT-CHECKING THERE other versions of the Yorke audio for the Hollow Earth THEY MEAN "The Hollow Earth" VERY LAX FACT-CHECKING THERE are currently available on the Youtube THEY MEAN "YouTube" VERY LAX FACT-CHECKING THERE site. Many of the media outlets have altered their reporting to say 'unofficial' by simply adding 'un' to the text without removing or altering it in any other way OH CHRIST, REALLY?

Speculation concerning the potential of hidden subliminal content OH YEAH, RIGHT within the film has surrounded the reasoning behind Yorke's decision to have it pulled from Youtube THEY MEAN "YouTube" VERY LAX FACT-CHECKING THERE despite the other videos remaining available.

The Hollow Earth video is still available through most of OH ALRIGHT WE GET THE MESSAGE YOU TEDIOUS LITTLE WORMS

Rock Balls: Part 374108

Bands, please! Employ someone who can write when you want something written! It's not hard, is it? There are a million under-worked journalists out there who can knock you up a decent biog in, like, an hour and they only want paying in drink.

Thanks to the treasured LiS operative who winged me this earlier, saying:

This is great, what I particularly appreciate is the contrast between the sonorous prose and the silly, silly band name.

---------- Forwarded message ----------
From: [simon@ilikepress.co.uk]
Date: 2009/9/14
Subject: SEA OF REGRETS - I LIKE TRAINS Pre Order today

Good Afternoon All HE MEANS "afternoon all"

I Like Trains are no longer in mourning AMAZING START!. Though they still remember the past, gone are the black threads which adorned their funeral waltz along YOU'RE LOSING ME HERE with songs of tragedy GREAT!, despair GREAT!, insanity GREAT! and loss GREAT!. Whilst the Leeds quartet made their name charting history’s forgotten heroes OH SHIT, HERE WE GO and injustices, there is only so long you can look backwards before you have to start looking to the future THAT IS LIKE, SO TRUE.

“Some things are better left forgotten, or the weight of the world will crush your bones” THAT IS PROPERLY DEEP, LIKE IT'S FROM A POEM OR SOMETHING

Sea of Regrets, the lead single from the forthcoming as yet untitled 2nd COULDN'T YOU BE BOTHERED TO WRITE "second"? WOULD IT HAVE ASKED TOO MUCH OF YOU TO DO THAT? LP due out early next year is a Limited edition/ Self produced CAPS! AMAZING! release and is available to pre-order from today, check the official BLAHBLAHBLAH.

After a second stage slot at Latitude festival, several European festivals and a tour with Sisters of Mercy OH BLIMEY over the summer, they’re not staying under the radar at home for much longer YES, THERE'S NOTHING LIKE A EUROPEAN TOUR WITH A WASHED UP VERSION OF A GOTH BAND WHO SPLIT UP A QUARTER OF A CENTURY AGO TO REALLY KICK-START A YOUNG BAND'S CAREER.

October’s tour and the first single from their new album – a gorgeous tunefest and a departure from the more staid and sombre HE MEANS BORING earlier recordings – signal a new assault on the country’s ears GREAT, WE WANT OUR EARS TO BE ASSAULTED.

I Like Trains are available for features, HE MEANS "AND" interviews before and during their October tour (dates below), both on the phone and in person. THERE'S NOTHING LIKE PLAYING HARD TO GET, IS THERE?

The new single is released on OH, WOTEVA...