Needs / Must

Have you taken care of your basic needs today? Eating, perhaps a glass of water, maybe a quick trip to the lavatory? Oh, and a five-star mini-break with kid's club, whirlpool bath, Aveda spa and Michelin-rated chef, natch. This just in from one of our most senior reporters:

Tell me this. Do people really have leisure "needs"?


Begin forwarded message:
From: "Lewis Miles" [LMiles@resonate.uk.com]
Date: 28 January 2009 10:52:04 GMT
Subject: New Data Reveals Recession is Changing British Leisure, Travel and Wellbeing needs

Hi
Please find below a media alert MEDIA ALERT! MEDIA ALERT! on a comprehensive new report into British Leisure, Travel and Wellbeing needs between December 2007 and December 2008, being launched on Monday 2nd Feb. I CANNOT WAIT!

For a full copy of the report, please contact blahblahblahblahblah...

***EMBARGOED UNTIL 00:01 ON MONDAY FEBRUARY 2ND 2009***
New Data Reveals Recession is Changing British Leisure, Travel and Wellbeing needs
LONDON, 2nd February 2009 - TODAY Directory Enquiries service, BLAHBLAH, has released new call statistics for major lifestyle categories that reveal a serious shift in priorities and needs comparing December 2008 with December 2007. The report provides fresh evidence of the emerging recession, and how it is changing the outlook of a nation.

Example report findings
Calls for drinks deliveries to homes rise 66% and satellite TV installation 462% as staying in wins over going out.
* The crunch is shaping our national eating habits - only pizza delivery rises significantly (22%) as other restaurants and takeaways fall
* Enquiries for motorhomes grows 121% as Britons reveal their domestic UK holiday preferences
* Calls for masseurs rocketed by 80% as Britons seek hands-on stress relief HHRRRNNNKKKK - I BET THEY BLOODY DO MADAM
The report draws on the UK’s largest directory database of over 20 million calls received by BLAHBLAH in the two months, categorised by business or service category.

The call data covers all major British lifestyle areas, focusing on substantial OH JUST KILL ME NOW AND BE DONE WITH IT :(

Terrible News Just In

First John Updike, now this? :(

SATIRED AND EMOTIONAL

You know you get those days when you literally hate all music and bands and people in bands and people that talk about bands and people who follow bands and venues where bands play and the cars that bands drive and the food that bands eat and the shoes that bands wear and the magazines that bands read and the hair products bands use and the words bands say and, indeed, the air that bands breathe? I'm having one of those days. So is this revered LiS reporter situated near one of the world's major up-market shopping "experiences". Take it away, soldier:

One of the best things about the English language is how words change their meaning over time. Thanks to this exciting press release about a band, I now know that both "infiltrated" and "hijacked" means: To have an advertisement paid for by your record company in a tedious attempt to promote a single you describe as "satirical". Interestingly, I can think of a more appropriate and slightly shorter "s" word for it.

Begin forwarded message:
From: "Sarah Maynard" [sarah@divisionpromotions.com]
Date: 26 January 2009 17:04:48 GMT
Subject: IPS / Celeb Big Brother / Apple Store / Etc...

Hi,

I just thought you might like to check out the new video from innerpartysystem in light of their antics I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT THESE "ANTICS" WERE on Friday night. The band infiltrated DID THEY? the C4 Celeb Big Brother mini-site with ads for a fake celebrity reality show OH GOD - AMAZING, highlighting their satirical OH BLOODY GOD forthcoming single "TITLE DELETED" which berates celeb culture WHERE DO THEY GET THESE IDEAS! Check out the screen shots attached.

Hopefully you received the single ok SHE MEANS "OK". It’d be great if you could consider for review when it’s released on BLAHBLAH. It’s currently on playlist at Radio 1, NME TV and MTV2 to name but a few.

Thanks muchly THANKS MUCHLY!? ZOMG!!11!!!,
Sx

INNERPARTYSYSTEM INFILTRATE CELEB BIG BROTHER SITE ON NIGHT OF FINAL SPECIAL PERFORMANCE - APPLE STORE, REGENT STREET ON blahblahblah at blahblah
SINGLE ‘title deleted’ RELEASED ON blahblahblah

Innerpartysystem’s anti-anthem for celeb culture ‘TITLE DELETED’ has captured the imaginations of people across the UK NO IT HASN'T YOU LYING LIAR! and in a further bid to ridicule the media’s fascination with all things celebrity WELL QUITE, SOMEONE NEEDS TO HAVE A GO AT THESE BASTARDS the band hijacked DID THEY? DID THEY REALLY? the Celebrity Big Brother website on the night of its much-publicised Final last Friday. ZOMG!!11!! The intriguing POINT OF ORDER: NO ONE WAS INTRIGUED placement on the web page linked people through to a rather unique video blog, as well as the latest music video from the blahblahblahblah KILL ME NOW!

Sarah Maynard
Division Media blahblahblah

How's That Great Photo Shoot Working Out For You?

Dear LiS
This picture of jazz chantoose Lea Delaria just landed in my inbox. I know (because I just read it) that Delaria is, "by no means an artist content with remaining static" (because all the rest of them are, right?), but I'm still not convinced that the moustache-finger tattoo is a great look even for a "chick singer with balls" (trans: oh, forget it, we all know what that means)...

My Ears Are Light To Yet More Bad PR

This just in from a senior LiS reporter embedded within a frontline fighting unit (I particularly enjoyed the running commentary):

The Future's Trite

Quick! A band you've never heard of have done something you don't care about! What a surprise to see Alan McGee popping up - he signed Oasis, you know! - in this tiny masterpiece of invented shockery. The fact he signed this band five years ago but this is the first time they've ever passed through your consciousness says a lot, doesn't it? I presume he dropped them in the mean-time, which is a tiny point in his favour, I suppose...

Andrew Future?!!! What is this? The facking eighties? Give him a fifteen month sentence says I!


-----Original Message-----
From: ateacher@bpf.org.uk
Sent: Sat, 17 Jan 2009 7:01 pm
Subject: REBELLION AS BAND OUTSELLING KINGS OF LEON, COLDPLAY IS BARRED FROM CHARTS

For immediate release - Sunday January 18
REBELLION AS BAND OUTSELLING KINGS OF LEON, COLDPLAY IS BARRED FROM CHARTS

The Official UK Chart Company has been slammed SLAMMED! IT HAS! for refusing to include The Boxer Rebellion's new album even though they’re outselling Kings Of Leon, MGMT and Coldplay on the US version of iTunes.

The album is currently at Number One in the iTunes US Alternative Chart and Number Four in the iTunes UK Album Chart.

Despite being a self-released effort with no record label or press, 'Union' has been refused entry into the Official UK Charts today - because the band have only released the album digitally.

The success of ‘Union’, which was released on 11 January is finally seeing them live up to the hype they initially built up when Alan McGee, who discovered Oasis, signed them to his Poptones label five years ago. FIVE YEARS! Lead single 'Evacuate' is a depth-charging rocker I LOVE "DEPTH-CHARGING ROCKER"S! mixing the finest elements of Interpol and early-Oasis. It wowed fans across Europe where The Boxer Rebellion toured as support act for Editors last year. AMAZING DETAIL!

Fans on the Boxer Rebellion messageboard have been campaigning to get the rules changed.

A band statement said: "This is a completely independent release and with no label backing, no finance, no radio play and no press in the UK. We have, with the support of (and a massive gamble taken by) iTunes, managed to break through and chart very highly in the iTunes stores so far.

"This basically means that The Boxer Rebellion will not see benefit from this success in terms of a chart position [in the Official UK Charts]. At this point, the possibility of pressing CDs was not viable. Should we be penalised in the charts?”

Boxer Rebellion fan Andrew Future, music editor of Fashion Music Style magazine which promotes unsigned bands, said:

“This is long deserved success for a band which for many years has produced wondrous, cinematic rock music I LOVE "WONDOROUS, CINEMATIC ROCK MUSIC"! that’s light years ahead of so many copycat British bands. It’s ludicrous that the Official UK Charts won’t allow them in. It makes a mockery of them. What’s the point in having charts if they don’t accurate chart what is popular?” WEVS, YEAH?

Andrew Future, music editor, Fashion Music Style

REVEALED: The Lamest Website Evah!

At last! A website entirely devoted to images of the hilariously over-priced tat that's fallen out the back of Vicky Beckham's brain! Great! Big thanks to the senior LiS reporter who has just sent this in:

Hold the front page! (of theonion.com, I mean)


Begin forwarded message:
From: "Josie Saunders" [Josie.saunders@bigpartnership.co.uk]
Date: 15 January 2009 14:25:08 GMT
Subject: Shoreditch woman creates website for Victoria Beckham's new dress collection

Hi
I thought you might be interested in one of my clients who has just launched an exclusive website for Victoria Beckham for the London Paper?

Her name is Aileen Geraghty and she is the MD of hip NO COMMA? MAYBE HER HIPS HAVE WON AWARDS? award-winning UK design agency, 999 Design, which is headquartered TERRIBLE AMERICANISM, ALREADY! in Shoreditch, East London (Great Eastern Street), and I thought she would make an interesting focus / feature / lifestyle / profile piece?

She helps clients improve their branding, marketing and website and works with some of the biggest brands in the UK. Aileen, who was 40 last year, is at the cutting edge of London’s design scene and is regularly seen relaxing over an organic latte at Soho House, where she is a member. BRILLIANT PIECE OF INFO - I CAN TAKE HER SO MUCH MORE SERIOUSLY NOW!

She has just created the recently launched website for Victoria Beckham’s dress collection for 19 Management, which is owned by American Idol creator Simon Fuller and looks after the Beckham brand portfolio.

Aileen has also just designed a range of t-shirts for the UK’s leading ethical clothing brand, People Tree, which is being launched in march SHE MEANS "March". In the past few months, NO COMMA NEEDED HERE she has also designed the branding and marketing material for Muse, India’s answer to Harvey Nichols, and has played a key role in developing the brand to roll out the switchover of digital TV across the UK NO, I DON'T UNDERSTAND THIS BIT EITHER. Aileen travels extensively for work to Asia and America and is just back from a holiday in Gambia. MORE GREAT INFO!

Look forward to hearing from you.

Best wishes

Josie

Josie Saunders
Account Director
The BIG Partnership
5 Park Circus Place
Glasgow, G3 6AH

Oh, This Looks Good

This just in from a reader near the Westway. What a good idea for a website!

From: Get Over It [mailto:lostinshowbizbacklash@yahoo.co.uk]
Sent: 13 January 2009 17:03
To: lostinshowbizbacklash@yahoo.co.uk
Subject: Fw: CALLING ALL PR's important journalist info...

Dear PRs
Some of you may be aware of this blog which A COMMA HERE WOULD HAVE BEEN NICE basically AND HERE takes the piss out of us, naming and shaming countless PRs – AND MAYBE HERE INSTEAD OF THE DASH dissecting their press releases, offending their sensibilities and the very nature of the magnificent world of PR! Not any more….WELL, THAT'S CLEARLY NOT TRUE (BUT THEN YOU ARE IN PR). there’s WHY NO CAPITAL T? a backlash, a revolution in full swing. PR backlash ‘GET OVER IT!’ (TM – BC) BABS IS BEHIND THIS? is a forum solely for music PRs across the country who have tirelessly dealt with tantrums, knock backs and general degradation from many a music journalist. This is our chance to voice our concerns, completely anonymously and in a tasteful manner. Be it a hilarious anecdote of one journalist invoicing a PR for their ‘Wasted Time’, a horrendous hotel tab comprised of porn, room service and more porn or tales of pure stupidity and lack of musical knowledge from some of the UK’s most trusted scribes…we SURELY, "We" want to hear it!

How low will a journalist go?

To get us started we want to hear your nominations for the most horrendous journalist behaviour of all time. While we all pluck up our courage, we want your tales of wicked whispers and journalist folklore. You don’t have to name and shame and we promise to respect anonymity. As we all know journalists seriously lack a sense of humour THIS BIT IS TRUE and we will not give them the opportunity to trace contributors. We all know a lot of the insider stories already and it would be good to share them with a wider forum.

http://getoveritdaily.blogspot.com/ is awaiting your input.

Other topics up for discussion
Top journalist offenders
CLASH MAGAZINE / CASH MAGAZINE – send your stories of cash for questions to us now
Top 10 Journalist-isms ‘It’s in the listening pile’ or ‘send me another copy’….
NOTION MAGAZINE/ BLAG MAGAZINE. HOW ARE THEYT [that should have read "THEY"] STILL AROUND?!!!
HAVE YOU NO SHAME? Journalists who ask for everything, then shaft you with a feature / review the size of a postage stamp.
Top Tantrums
Laziness
ERRR, WILL THIS DO

I'll tell you what - it's a brilliant site!

Willow Weep For Me

Call me an old stick-in-the-mud, but as far as I'm concerned I would need to be actually in the van on my way to the nut-house with my hands tied together and one of those face masks Hannibal Lecter wore before I would even consider buying something called "beauty water". Unless someone could show me some evidence that, you know, water wasn't actually good enough anymore and we all needed to spend more money on WATER+ or some garbage like that. Anyway, hahaha!, no one could be that stupid or venal could they! Oh, hang on a minute, yes they could :( This just in from an LiS reporter on the ground:

Er...what? Non-existent celebrity endorsements claim that Willow is "set to be" the biggest name this year, but where's the evidence to support it? Oh! There isn't any! And this is all to promote some bottles of water. How cack-handed and desperate is it possible to be? This is truly appalling work.

From: Helen Pickerill [mailto:helen@brazenpr.com]
Sent: 12 January 2009 10:04
To: Helen
Subject: ‘WILLOW’ SET TO BE BIGGEST BABY NAME OF 2009

BEAUTY WATER PREDICTS PARENTS TO FOLLOW TAKE THAT’S MARK OWEN [she means "Owen's] LEAD TO MAKE WILLOW BABY NAME OF 2009

From Apple to Suri, and Princess Tiamii to Bluebell Madonna, celebrity baby names are renowned for being too crazy and thus uninspiring for non-famous parents-to-be GREAT START.

However, this is set to change in 2009 as, following the recent birth of Take That member Mark Owen’s beautifully-named baby girl, Willow Rose, Willow beauty water predicts ‘Willow’ to be 2009’s most popular baby name OH RLY?

Following huge US movie star Will Smith, whose daughter is also called Willow, Mark Owen’s unique HOW IS IT UNIQUE WHEN THOUSANDS OF PEOPLE ARE CALLED WILLOW? yet sane choice of name for his daughter has sparked a huge interest from women set to give birth in 2009 SAYS WHO? and, to celebrate the expected surge of baby Willow’s in 2009, Willow beauty water is promising to send anyone who names their daughter Willow a free hamper of the 100% natural beauty water.

Clwyd Price - Jones, Managing Director of Willow Water comments: “BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH natural BLAH BLAH.”

For more information telephone OH WHO CARES?

-ENDS-

Brief Encounter

If there was one thing we would like more of from PRs this year it's less. Less waffle, less bullshit, less crappy quotes, less conjecture, less page-filling screes that scream, "I read Melody Maker at college and I'm still not quite over it." Below is a good example. Nicholas seems so worried about getting accused of being genuinely enthusiastic that he decides to make out everything - including his own judgement - is suspect. It doesn't exactly fill you with confidence, does it? Anyway, this has been sent in by a newly-minted LiS reporter working in a rejuvenated quarter of one of our great cities. Our new pal writes:

Hello LiS. I got pointed in the direction of your blog this week and I have to say I love it. Good work. I got sent this press release yesterday and thought you might like it. Its brevity and honesty truly approaches some kind of twisted genius...

---------- Forwarded message ----------
From: Nicholas Weintraub
Date: Sat, Jan 10, 2009 at 12:14 AM
Subject: Yep... Another shit band... THIS IS QUITE ENCOURAGING
To: crappy.advice@gmail.com THIS IS ALSO QUITE ENCOURAGING

you want a record?... we will send. tanks. TANKS! AMAZING!
http://www.myspace.com/k1llk1llk1ll AND THAT'S IT!

Weighty Issues

Lily Allen has been in the news a lot this week, hasn't she? All that stuff about drugs and religion and the like. Well, the good people at Quite Great Communications clearly read different newspapers to the rest of us as what they've been reading about seems to have been unbearably tedious diet stuff. This just in from a waspish LiS storm-trooper on the frontline:

This one hits so many buttons. Lily Allen's weight is definitely not the hot topic of the moment. Winehouse's possibly but definitely not Lily. Oh, and try to spell Lily correctly please. And no, this is not an interesting editorial opportunity, whatever you might think. Finally, what an awful attempt to shoe horn
your poxy no-mark client onto another wise blameless celeb. Well done Lauren, you have set a good standard for the year!

Lauren Horncastle [Lauren@2gr8pr.co.uk]
09/01/09 03:00 pm
Subject: The hot topic at the moment- Lily Allen's weight

It's THE hot topic of the moment - How Lilly SHE MEANS LILY Allen has attributed her
incredible new figure to 'hypnotic reprogramming' and we now have a really interesting
editorial opportunity available for you. Globally renowned Australian hypnotist Rick Collingwood who has been hailed as 'the World's Greatest Hypnotist' RIGHT! and is a pioneer of hypnosis related to weight loss and other New Years' resolutions such as giving up smoking and thinking more positively LET'S THINK OF HIM AS PAUL MCKENNA WEARING ONE OF THOSE HATS WITH CORKS HANGING OFF IT.

We would love to set up a one on one session for one of your editorial team so they too can experience 'the Lilly SHE STILL MEANS LILY effect' and below is information about Rick.

Let's set a date for a session and I promise there is no hypnotic message in this email, honest! AMAZING CLOSER!

I look forward to hearing from you,

Lauren

Lauren Horncastle
Press Officer
Quite Great Communications Ltd


Rick Collingwood 'the World's Greatest Hypnotist' set to take the UK by storm YES DEAR, OF COURSE HE IS.

Globally renowned Australian hypnotist Rick Collingwood who has been hailed as YES, THAT'LL DO, THANK YOU.

Teitur Crisped

Hello and welcome back to Lost In Showbiz. This year we will bring even more head-banging PR tom-tittery than last year managed. And last year was, oh yes, a doozy. So. let's begin with this, sent in from a senior LiS operative out there fighting the good fight on, literally, the front line.

Hello LiS. Happy New Year. The following press release is like some kind of disgusting grammar disembowelment, some intestine-flinging type deal (and yes I know that sentence isn't really a proper sentence either, but dammit it's all about knowing when to break the rules, right?). I feel sorry for Teitur who seems the kind of interesting 'rare and faintly obscure' (what? what does that even mean?) chap who actually might deserve better than this. Then again...

I think my favourite bit might be this, a masterclass in how to mangle the simplest and most mundane bit of info: "He has also co-wrote with Corinne Bailey Rae early on in her career; one of the songs they wrote together 'Choux Pastry Heart' which appears on her multi-platinum debut album..." etcetcetc. For chrissakes, isn't being able to string a sentence together the very least we can expect of PRs?

A sober pause while I consider how many perfectly worthy and capable artists may have lost out on the attention and consideration they richly deserve due to the woeful press releases that are supposed to be bigging them up. Not good, not good at all...

---------- Forwarded message ----------
From: Grace Wood [grace@nile-on.com]
Date: 2008/12/15
Subject: ** Introducing Teitur - someone very special to watch out for in 2009**

Allow me to introduce you to Teitur – a rare and faintly obscure singer songwriter from the Faroe Islands.

Teitur was born on the Faroe Islands YES, WE KNOW THAT NOW, and his last album Kata Hornid was recorded in his native language and perhaps that explains where some of the mystery, searching and soul within his music stems. NO IT DOESN'T. "There is no getting away from the fact that the Faroe Islands have influenced me," he says. "The place is very dramatic, the weather conditions are averse, there is a lot of silence, it's a part of me, it's in my dreams, it is hard for me not to put some of that atmosphere into my music as I feel so attached to it."

The Singer is the first of Teitur's albums to be released in the UK. Recorded last October, at a deserted 19th century hotel on the remote, windswept island of Gotland off the coast of Sweden, a place more renowned as the setting where Ingmar Bergman shot all his films, including his iconic picture the 'Seventh Seal'. GOTLAND ISN'T REMOTE. AND "THE SEVENTH SEAL" - NOT "SEVENTH SEAL" WAS FILMED IN TOREKOV IN BASTADA. Teitur SHE MEANS "TEITUR'S" captivating melodies and finely observed lyrics, WHY THE COMMA? have earned him fans across the globe such as KT Tunstall, Rufus Wainwright, Aimee Mann and John Mayer. *FALLS ASLEEP* He has also co-wrote with Corinne Bailey Rae early on in her career; one of the songs they wrote together 'Choux Pastry Heart' which appears on her multi-platinum debut album. :(

The album titled 'The Singer' is the first of four albums shortly to be released courtesy of A&G Records, who have licensed the record directly from Teitur and his manager's own label, Arlo and Betty Recordings, which they set up in 2006. GREAT INFO, THANKS. This will be quickly followed by an introductory compilation album of his previous albums, providing a beautiful inception EH? for those not familiar with Teiturs' SHE MEANS TEITUR'S past efforts, prior to the rest of his back catalogue unfurling UNFURLING? OH PLEASE! here in the UK for the first time.

The Singer was recorded in an abandoned hotel on the beautiful scenic Scandinavian island of Gotland. YOU'VE DONE THIS BIT "I wanted to go somewhere remote, somewhere exotic where people were out of their ordinary environment so we could go on a journey together while making the record," he explains his choice of location.

The songs took seven years to write and they've been well worth the wait. The title track is Teitur's statement of intent although it is not without humour. "I always had the voice and now I am a singer," he sings. "The audience grows silent when I open up my mouth. I sing the words I've written every night before a crowd. As if I were a poet or some legendary mind." OR JUST ANOTHER BED-WETTING INDIE TWONK AMID ALL THE OTHER BED-WETTING INDIE TWONKS.

Elsewhere there is 'Your Great Book', an angry retort at his sister, 'Legendary Afterparty', a tribute to blues singer and friend Chris Whitley who sadly died of cancer and 'Catherine The Waitress', a quirky, endearing tale of love at first sight.

Check out the glorious Catherine and The Waitress I THOUGHT IT WAS CALLED 'CATHERINE THE WAITRESS'? which will appear on Teitur's album 'The Singer' which makes it's UK debut in 2009 NO FULL STOP, NICE! AND YOU'VE DONE THIS BIT ABOUT EIGHT TIMES NOW.

FULL PR AND PRESS SHOT ATTACHED – FOR FURTHER IMAGES TO BOOK LIMITED PROMO TIME [yeah, right] PLEASE CONTACT ME ON THE USUAL DETAILS BELOW

Account Director
A: 42 A Charlotte Street, London, W1T 2NP