Cathedrals of Sound

These Arms Are Snakes. A natural force, that thunders with constant contradiction and challenge. Self-described as, “Four men with a chronic black cloud overhead; bitter, bummed out, and bored,” they couple dark pessimism with an elemental energy that does not end.

Is there a solitary word in this example of linguistic fly-tipping that would make anyone exhibit even the tiniest flicker of interest in hearing them - even if they were making, say, the last even vaguely musical sound on earth?

A Heartwarming Tale Told Apallingly

A reader from the east London area sent me this wonderfully annotated email (and I apologise to said reader for my rude interruptions).

I know that the subject of this press release is about as far from "showbiz" as it's possible to get, but it is a stellar example of bad PR.

Its failures divide into three categories:

1. The crashingly dull and irrelevant nature of the story - a council has given an old lady a new fridge-freezer.
2. The underlying fact that the old lady was waiting a year for the council to repair flood damage to her home, they changed the electrics so her fridge wouldn't work anymore - and they want credit for getting her a new one.
3. The soul-crushingly bad, GCSE English prose. My favourite passage is this one:
"Unfortunately this left Mrs Alexander with a major problem, her old fridge freezer was not compatible with the new electrics, so she now had nowhere to store essential food supplies. But don't worry,(I DIDN'T) Sue Johnson Decent Homes Customer Liaison
Officer (CLO) came to Mrs Alexander's rescue. Sue works for one of the Hull City Council's partnership contractors, Kingstown Works Ltd (KWL) and in any one week, she can work with up to more than 36 home owners (IS IT "UP TO" OR "MORE THAN", YOU CRETIN? AND MORE IMPORTANTLY, WHO COULD POSSIBLY CARE?)."

But it's up against some tough competition from the "quote" from the old lady, which manages to sound implausible, sad, and desperate, all at once: "I can't thank Sue and KWL enough for all their help and generosity, I never dreamt that this would be the outcome of my disaster. It's only the third bunch of flowers I've ever received in my
whole life and Sue is one in a million."

-----Original Message-----
From: Anna Millar [mailto:newsflash@hull.newsflashconnect.co.uk]
Sent: 30 July 2008 15:24
Cc: Anna.Millar@hullcc.gov.uk
Subject: Hull City Council News Release: KWL go the extra mile for flood victim

30/07/2008

For Immediate Release
KWL go the extra mile for flood victim

As victims of last years WHERE'S THE APOSTROPHE? floods continue to move back into their homes after of year OF YEAR? of living in temporary accommodation, one elderly resident from Longhill got a surprise welcome home gift.

Like many Hull City Council tenants, Mrs Alexander's home in Limerick Close, Longhill was given a new kitchen and full re-wire on her property, which she has lived at for most of her life, to bring it up to the Decent Homes standard whilst it was receiving vital work to correct the flood damage. TERRIBLE SENTENCE, THANKS!

Unfortunately this left Mrs Alexander with a major problem, her old fridge freezer was not compatible with the new electrics, so she now had nowhere to store essential food supplies. YOU MEAN FOOD, RIGHT?

But don't worry, Sue Johnson Decent Homes Customer Liaison Officer (CLO) came to Mrs Alexander's rescue. Sue works for one of the Hull City Council's partnership contractors, Kingstown Works Ltd (KWL) and in any one week, she can work with up to more than 36 home owners.

Sue spoke to several charities and KWL company contributions to help with the replacements for Mrs Alexander and within a few days, Sue was promised a brand new fridge/freezer and a donation to replace its contents.

KWL presented Mrs Alexander with her new goods and a bouquet of flowers, Mrs Alexander was overwhelmed: "I can't thank Sue and KWL enough for all their help and generosity, I never dreamt that this would be the outcome of my disaster. THERE IS NO WAY THIS WOMAN SAID THIS. It's only the third bunch of flowers I've ever received in my whole life and Sue is one in a million. I have never been treated like this before in my life FFS, IT'S ONLY A FRIDGE GRANDMA and I give a great big thank you from the bottom of my heart."

Rescuer RESCUER! Sue said: "Mrs Alexander was very grateful for the replacements, she cried with joy over the fact we had gone that extra mile for her. My role of CLO is very rewarding when a situation like this has a happy ending.

ENDS

For further information please contact:
Anna Millar, Press Officer
Email: anna.millar@hullcc.gov.uk

I Am Passionate About Entertainment And I'm Socially Conscious, Where Do I Sign?

News in from Broadcast. This whole stinking heap of crap could have been cooked down to this.

Dear everyone
Some consulting wonk has told MTV social networking is "cool". Hahahahahahaha!
/ends/

Instead we get this

MTV shares the secrets of bringing TV and online together at Audience Evolution. We are delighted to welcome Philip O’Ferrall, Vice President, Digital Media, MTV Networks to our expert line-up of speakers.

Speaking last week on the launch of the groundbreaking MTV House project, he had this to share: “Mtv.co.uk is about building a community for online audiences that are passionate about entertainment and music, as well as being socially conscious, and therefore our digital activity is evolving and adapting to allow the audience to express themselves more. By carrying out continuous research to find out what our audiences really want, and by introducing an enhanced user experience where the audience can interact with each other and the brand whether that be advise on sensitive issues or sharing great MTV content - we are in turn responding to their needs."

Book your place now and save £50 before 8th August. Audience Evolution is the only event that makes sense of the ever-shifting entertainment audience. It will equip you with the YES LOVE, ALRIGHT, WE GET THE BLOODY MESSAGE

Joanna Pocock
Marketing Executive
Broadcast

Holiday Romance - The Facts

August surely is the cruellest month. Cruellest for readers of newspapers, that is. No real news happening? Whack in a completely crappy survey! Or, as a reader from a rather well known media outlet has it:

"Think I've got a great little story for you here!" Can you hear my heart SINK? Do you get out much James? Ever read the papers? Do you not know that the first refuge for any crap release is a piss poor survey?


----- Forwarded by on 29/07/08 01:47 pm -----

Subject: Top 10 UK Destinations For A Holiday Fling...

Hi

Think I've got a great little story for you here!

Ahead of SonyBMG's release this week of "Ultimate Holiday Party!" the label have taken a survey out of over 1000 UK residents aged 18-30 regarding holiday romances to find out where exactly you're most likely to have a romantic fling in the UK - and have found proof that you don't need to go abroad to score!

So, results in at the end of last week have shown that these are the top places to meet the girl or man of your dreams:

1. Blackpool
2. Brighton
3. Skegness
4. Great Yarmouth
5. Isle Of Wight
6. Newquay
7. Southend
8. Hunstanton
9. Redcar
10. Clacton

I wondered if you might be able to give this a mention? How Clacton got on there is anyone's guess.

Cheers,

James@quitegreat.co.uk

These Pesky Serrated Guitars Are Bleeding Everywhere...

So many terrible music PR cliches, so little time. Bill is, apparently, new to this game (which might explain why he CC'd instead of BCC'd everyone in his address book), but that doesn't mean that phrases like "Newness, not novelty. Equality. Clang, scrape and bang" are any more acceptable. And as for the all-time kerlassic, "Serrated guitars bleed like a stream of consciousness into a chanting chorus reminiscent of..." Jesus! Bill! You're spoiling us with this already! Or, as a reader has it:

Another bad attack of bcc-blindness. Also punctuation blindness. But look, Joy of Sex, Bill Cummings! LOLZ! If only he'd dropped the 'L' in 'Public', it would have been a hat-trick.

___________
From: Bill Cummings [soundandvisionpr@googlemail.com]
Date: 2008/7/24
Subject: JOY OF SEX RELEASE THEIR DEBUT EP, AND FREE DOWNLOAD DECEMBER MONTH OF PLENTY 18/08/08

Hi there you may know me for my work at http://www.godisinthetvzine.co.uk this is my new pr sideline. I bring you news of a new exciting act from Cardiff, any reviews, ep requests, airplay,blog features, interviews newspieces welcome. Cheers

Joy of Sex release their debut self titled EP through their Robot Architect label on the 18th of August it will be accompanied by the free download "December, Month Of Plenty" released through Sound and Vision Downloads on the same day.

Joy of Sex are a new three-piece from Cardiff, two boys and a girl, with a drum machine, stand-up drums and three-way vocals. They agree on several things. Short songs, rhythm, repetition, noise.

Combining menacing cut-up rhythms with triple-barrelled vocal interplay that switches from sinister to playful; a unique concoction that's reminiscent of the taut art-punk dynamics of Wire. They hint at the electro post punk of PiL and share a kinship with fellow Cardiffian's The Victorian English Gentlemen's Club.

It's form meeting function. Newness, not novelty. Equality. Clang, scrape and bang. That is the Joy of Sex.

"December, Month Of Plenty" opens with a chorus of plaintive refrains, before rumbling along pavements of twitching bass and drums. Serrated guitars bleed like a stream of consciousness into a chanting chorus reminiscent of Mission of Burma's finer moments. Short and sharp, clocking in at around the two minute mark.

Read And Learn: Supremely Bad PR

This is something special - it really isn't every day that a press release of such epic awfulness arrives. Where to start? Using *** in the Subject Line is horrible. Who are Freewinder? Who - honestly - cares that they're changed the release date of something? Add what to the schedules? By "fantastically animated", do you mean "fantastic animated", or is the video really, y'know, lively? No one should ever be allowed to write the phrase, "provides lyrics and arrangements in the group". And so it goes on. As an LiS reader has it:

This truly is next-level ineptness. How could Republic Media let this out of the building? As for this bit: "You may have already seen the video, which was animated by Roger Llewellyn in your local Topshop/Topman where it is on rotation as well as Hugo Boss stores, The Body Shop, Coffee Republic and Costa Coffee", I actually felt ill just reading it. For a start, how dare you suggest I hang out in Topman? And why is this Roger Llewellyn character animating stuff in shops anyway? Oh, he's not, you just missed off a crucial comma. Never mind. The record is bound to be absolute horseshit anyway.

------ Forwarded Message
From: "Terry" [terry@republicmedia.net]
Date: Fri, 25 Jul 2008 16:09:45 +0100
Subject: ***Freewinder Change Of Release Dates***

Hi

Quick shout to let you know that Freewinder's beautiful single 'Shooting Stars' is now being released on September 8th and the album (which you will be receiving shortly) will now be hitting the shops on October 6th, so please add to your schedules.

Here is a link to the fantastically animated video that accompanies the single. It features an animated version of 'Patch' who was a rescue dog taken in by Clive Godwin who provides lyrics and arrangements in the group.

You may have already seen the video, which was animated by Roger Llewellyn in your local Topshop/Topman where it is on rotation as well as Hugo Boss stores, The Body Shop, Coffee Republic and Costa Coffee.

If you've missed it previously, below is the press release for 'Shooting Stars'. If you need any further information, please give me a shout.

Best,
Terry

------ End of Forwarded Message

Have You Got Any Nuclear Waste, Mate?

I know it's all business and that this is the 21st Century (man) and all that, but a phrase like, "Faction Music is a new global brand (that has been) rebranding and refocusing its operation, and is now looking to establish itself as a record label" just makes me feel like my entire life has suddenly been made a little more grey and tedious. On the upside, we can all look forward to the new waxing by Nuclear Waste. So that's good. Unless, of course, you're the person who received this, because then you might be tempted to send it to me with a note reading:

This one has made lose the will to live. I am not effing interested in their global effing strategy, even if it is on a global effing scale...

From: Sam Jones [mailto:sam.factionmusic@gmail.com]
Sent: 23 July 2008 16:00
Subject: Faction Music

Hi,

Faction Music is a new global brand HOW CAN YOU BE A "NEW" GLOBAL BRAND? set up by the former members of the 'd.fazed' promotion collective in Manchester. Over the last six months, Faction has been rebranding and refocusing its operation, and is now looking to establish itself as a record label. Please refer to the literature attached for an overview of what we hope to achieve longer-term, not only in terms of releasing music, but also expanding our promotional activities and establishing a fully-fledged design studio.

The Faction website is nearing the end of the design process, and we are currently negotiating with the owner for a fee for www.factionmusic.com. We feel it is imperative to have a '.com' domain, as we aim to compete on a global scale. GOOD LUCK WITH THAT. Until this has been resolved, Faction will be maintaining its visibility on relevant social networking sites(TRANS: WE HAVE A MYSPACE PAGE).

Faction Digital will launch with a selection of four tracks. This release will showcase the uncompromising aesthetic of the music we believe in, and the accompanying artwork will familiarise the market with the label's strong visual identity. The tracks destined for release 001 are:

Amex - Krypton

Paperclip - Casual Virus

Nuclear Waste - Corrupted

Walder & Boro - Toolgrinding

These can all be heard at www.virb.com/factionmusic, in the music player in the top right of the page. In future, Faction Digital will function not only as a breeding ground for new talent, but as a vital platform for the label generally. We have 2 tracks lined up for the second release and plan to sign more once a release date is set for the first. With this approach, we can get the newest, freshest music out to our customers.