From the inbox this morning

The Difference Between The PR Brain And The Journalist Brain Revealed At Last

I don't understand what this all means, to be honest. I'm not sure anyone does. Frankly, as soon as I read the phrase, "independent media state" my brain just switches off, so whatever other delights are on offer sort of pass me by. Having said that, I would like to know if WhiteLabelWorld really are working "seven days a week, 52 weeks of the year". And if they are, why? Take a holiday, get over it, the world will still be here when you get back. I don't know who's meant to care about all this stuff, but I do know that a reader and journalist sent it on to me with a note reading:

What a load of absolute horseshit...

-----Original Message-----
From: Suzanne Noble
Sent: Tuesday, May 06, 2008 9:02 AM
To: ******* ****
Subject: Left Noble PR, Welcome to WhiteLabelWorld

After fifteen years running Noble PR, I have now left to form WhiteLabelWorld - an independent media state. WhiteLabelWorld has one aim - to make you stand out. We got together to help you make the most of media.

We bring decades of experience in TV, video and music production, national newspaper, TV and radio journalism, running direct-to-page and screen PR for household name brands, creative workshops, primary and secondary research, events, theatre production, interactive design, cutting-edge social media, search marketing, graphic design, eCRM, product development, web design, print, digital and media strategy, and business development.

From concept to execution, seven days a week, 52 weeks of the year. Millions upon millions of eyeballs and earballs.

Overload? You bet. But with more and more diversity of customer choice for media 'input', there are more opportunities than ever ... to stand out.

What We Do

Whether you're a start-up or a multi-national, we'll work with you to launch, define or raise your media profile or create a genuine buzz about you, your products or services.

WLW also work with agencies and brands as a think-tank using inspiring and creative workshops. Our team will work with you to develop 360º approaches that get you noticed and achieve results. Between us we have worked at the highest level across all media channels such as broadcast, interactive, press, events, print and the web

Literally, Who Cares? 5

This just in: a band you're - at best - only very, very vaguely aware of have split up because, seemingly, they can't be arsed with it anymore. Quick - fire up the email machine!

On a lighter note - is that (was that) the worst band logo of all time?

Rock PR: Classic Material Just In

If I was to construct the perfect opening sentence to a rock record press release, it would probably read something like, "Space, particularly inner headspace, was big news in the early 80s". It is perfect in the sense it sort of means something, it's sort of true, but it's also utter, utter meaningless crap. But to have the balls to follow that up with a sentence about "derelict inner city landscapes" shows true genius. The phrase "physical and mental wastelands" is employed before we've got to the third sentence. This is premium level horseshit. And so it goes on. And on. And on. Respect is due to whoever ground this head-spinning wonder.

Thanks to a reader in Australia who writes: "I read this twice looking for the best bits to copy for you but it’s just too hard to choose. And I still don’t know what it’s talking about..."

No, No and Hell No

I get one of these emails every single weekday morning, but even The Interview People have never managed to get three complete strikes like they have in this knuckle-scraping effort. Does anyone want to know what Alanis Morissette thinks about sex (and I'm including her therapist in that list)? Having said that, there are "selected articles from the Sueddeutsche Zeitung", so it's not all bad.

Are You A Lonely Spinster?

Are you the sort of person who'd love to get married - or even go out on a date once in a while - but no one ever asks, or if they do then they seem a little forward, or they have funny hair, or their teeth are odd, or their car is silly, or they don't have a job, or they have an unpleasant odour? Are you "happier" at home with your big slippers, a reheated dinner for one and an increasingly deep dependence on cheap, corner-shop bought white wine? Do you cry yourself to sleep, on average, three or four nights a week? Do you look at yourself in the mirror every morning wondering when was the exact moment when your life became a ponderous slog from one grotesquely unfulfilling day to another? Have you learnt to resent the pitying stares of your more socially adept friends and family? Are you secretly hoarding paracetamol, knowing full well that one day, and it may be soon, you're just not going to be able to take it anymore?

Great! Then we have just the magazine for you!

FROM: "Karen Dickinson" karen.dickinson@bluezebrapr.com
07/05/08 15:25
SUBJECT: It's not just men who are from Mars

It’s not just men who are from Mars. New magazine suggests needy women are causing the nation’s moggies to display inappropriate or unacceptable behaviour. PetPeople, officially the world’s largest circulation pet focussed customer magazine, launches today with a remit to celebrate the joys of pet ownership. ARE YOU LISTENING, LADY SINGLETONS?

In the first issue, Animal Behaviourist and qualified veterinary nurse, Vicky Halls’ article, ‘Is the man in your life a cat?’, lays to rest the cat / spinster myth. In her survey of moggie owners, more than half of the women - 50.000000001% - who participated were married or cohabiting, and a third were under 30. Single or happily married SINGLE, Vicky is convinced that our moggies are struggling with the complex emotional needs of women, and that over-bearing relationships are leading cats to display inappropriate or unacceptable behaviour. OH JESUS Nearly half of respondents woke their cats up to give them some affection and 93% of people admitted to looking for their cat around the house if they hadn’t seen them for a little while. She suggests that humans wouldn’t be too impressed by such possessive behaviour by their partners. THESE WOMEN ARE INSANE

Petplan will provide expert help from leading vets, behaviourists and dieticians, plus insightful, and very often humorous, feature stories on everything from the perfect pet-friendly garden to dispelling the ‘mad cat lady’ myth. IF IT WAS A MYTH YOUR MAGAZINE WOULDN'T EXIST

The first issue of PetPeople will have a distribution of 600,000 copies. Readers can request a copy of Vicky Halls’ article, ‘Is the man in your life a cat?’, or further information on the magazine by emailing the team on BLAHBLAHBLAHBLAH

Literally, Who Cares? 4

This is one of those PR emails that makes the phrase KIll. Me. Now. run on an endless loop in my head. Some people - clearly - don't have enough to do. Is there, honestly, a single person in the country outside of the band members and their management who cares even a tiny, weeny bit that Kids In Whatever are on Radio 1's B List rather than the C list? No, there isn't. And if you do, I suggest you open the windows a bit wider and let some fresh air in. Anyway, that miniscule, utterly unremarkable mistake was reason enough for this PR to rattle off yet another email to someone with better things to do. Someone who now feels an active dislike towards a band he previously had no feelings towards. As the reader has it:

the fact that the below is written in a nearly angry tone that suggests all of this is actually important really got to me today for some reason...

-----Original Message-----
From: Nienke Klop
Sent: 09 May 2008 10:46
Subject: I lied... Sorry!

Hey

I don’t know if you bothered reading the press release that came with your copy of the Kids In Glass Houses album ‘Smart Casual’ (which you should have received in the post yesterday or today), or even if you bothered looking at the cd when (if) you opened the envelope and didn’t recognise the band name, and slid it towards the stack of cd’s gathering dust in the corner of your office.

BUT, I have to apologies for a blatant lie that is in that press release. The Kids In Glass Houses single ‘Give Me What I Want’ is NOT on the Radio 1 C List. No.

In fact, it is on the Radio 1 B List. Which is pretty unheard of for a UK rock band who haven’t even released their debut album yet.

Please check out the album to see what all the fuss is about, and if it’s not your thing, give it to most any 15/16 year old you know, as it’s highly likely they will know who the band are. And might actually be excited about getting the album before it is released on May 26th.

Xx Nienke

Just When You Thought You'd Read The Most Toe-Curling Press Release Evah...

... this arrives. I honestly don't know where to start. Hellun Urth - Hell On Earth - AMAZING! - has, to my eyes, written the worst, most supine, self-loathing, cringingly awful press release I have ever read. The life-is-passing-me-by, why-does-everything-I-touch-turn-to-dust bitterness floods off this in cripplingly hot waves. I cannot, however much I try, work out why anyone in their right mind would present themselves and their client's product in such a terrible light. Or, as a reader has it:

oof x 100

Forwarded by *** on 23/04/08 10:47
"Hellen Urth" hell@poisonpr.co.uk
22/04/08 15:57

To: hell@poisonpr.co.uk
Subject: HELP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
You’re a journalist…
…a Very Important Journalist…
…on a Very Important Publication.

You have a professional obligation to be as cynical as possible about every new beauty product that crosses your desk….
…and we know that hundreds of them cross your desk every month…
…because you’re a journalist…
…A Very Important Journalist.
THAT’S FANTASTIC!!!!

I’m a PR girl…
…a lowly PR girl…
…in a small agency….
…with a miniscule budget...

In comparison, you have to agree, THAT SUCKS!!!!

I have two kids, a large hungry mongrel, two mad cats, a long-eared rabbit, two hamsters (possibly more – one is getting very fat) and countless goldfish to support (oh, and let’s not forget him indoors as well)…

…so all I’m asking is for you to put your cynicism aside and please spare me just a few tiny weeny minutes of your Very Important Time to have a look at the best new beauty product that’s going to cross your desk (this month at least).

My client’s product ACTUALLY WORKS and is backed up by excellent data from clinical trials and celebrity endorsement...
…stay with me now!

PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE put your hard-earned right to cynicism aside for at least a few nanoseconds and e-mail me – hell@poisonpr.co.uk

I’ll send you a So-Short-You-Can-Read-It-In-30-Seconds summary of why you should feature this brilliant product as soon as possible in your Very Important Publication. And samples...and photos…whatever you want really…

You won’t be disappointed I promise, and I’ll even throw in a hamster to a good home…

Thanks for your time and hope to hear from you very soon!!
Hell
xx

The Spell Check's In The Post - Hopefully

Sometimes a press release comes along that makes you bite your lip with terror. This is one of those. Keith Mullin, presumably, works at The Liverpool Insitute for the Performing Arts. I'm hoping he, maybe, does PE or metalwork or something as he's surely - SURELY - can't be in an actual teaching role? Not with this grasp of the English language. Or, as a reader has it:

This one is so painful. I can't even tell if it's the random punctuation or the grammar mistakes that are making my head explode.

Begin forwarded message:

From: "Mullin, Keith" K.Mullin@lipa.ac.uk
Date: 19 May 2008 14:34:18 BST
To: A MILLION PEOPLE WHO DID NOT NEED TO SEE YOUR ENTIRE ADDRESS BOOK
Subject: Sound City, LIPA-ISH Allsorts

Dear All

Welcome to Sound City, Lipa-ish Allsorts features 1st & 2nd year music students from the school that produced The Wombats, Eugene McGuiness and Sandi Thom. In addition to, The Zutons materializing whilst they attended LIPAs New Deal for Musicians course some years ago. Anyway that’s the bullshit and flag waiving done with. I WISH IT WAS

There are 30 artists for you to mull over, some of whom recently featured in Music Week, some of whom did not, that does not imply their not quality! NO, I'M SURE IT DOESN'T The beauty of this moment is LIPAs music culture is evolving, fostering a way of thinking that encourages creativity, is student centred and individually focused. You’ll be seeing bands in development, some further down the road than others, opinionated individuals who chant and occasionally curse. CRIVENS! Nonetheless, in respect of this cultured metropolis, this muddy pool, we encourage artists to produce music because they mean it and because they can. Hope you enjoy Liverpool culture, a Sound City, as they would say in Bootle;

Thanks

Keith Mullin & Eddie Lundon

Who Is He Again? Oh Yes, He's A "Primary Figure" In Rock!

I've never heard of Adam either. Or, as a reader has it:

Does anyone know if, apart from drumming in Babyshambles and selflessly offering his thoughts on a friend and bandmate, Adam Ficek is working on any solo material?

From: Ruchie - Rood Media
Date: 8 May 2008 11:27:54 BST
Subject: Babyshambles Drummer, Adam Ficek, comments on Pete Doherty’s release from prison

Adam Ficek is a primary figure within the British rock scene - NICE BIG WHOPPER TO START WITH- both in his role as drummer with the legendary Babyshambles, as the one-man creative force behind the acclaimed Roses Kings Castles, and as a first-class alternative DJ.

Adam’s reputation as an increasingly in-demand DJ - LAUGH OUT LOUD BIT - has insured that he will be a fixture at many big-name festivals this summer, his choice catalogue of the greatest indie and rock tunes recognised as a sure-fire draw for discerning audiences everywhere.

Roses Kings Castles is the moniker - "MONIKER" BRILLIANT! - under which he records the arresting solo material that has stimulated intense industry interest - ANOTHER LAUGH OUT LOUD BIT - during Babyshambles’ recent enforced hiatus.

Now, following Pete Doherty’s release from prison, which has instigated yet another period of intense media scrutiny, Adam releases the following statement regarding the immediate future of Babyshambles and Roses Kings Castles:

“BLAHBLAHBLAHBLAHBLAH.”

Further information about Adam Ficek/Roses Kings Castles - including first single 'DELETED' and a release date for the hotly anticipated debut album – will be forthcoming within the next few weeks.

Not one word of this was made up

Hello, my name is John-Joe Murray. I make music under the name The Worrisome Ankletrout using violin, guitar, vocals and junk percussion with a loop pedal. I have just released a four track ep called 'Shoehorn Jumpy Jar' that is available to listen to, or for free download from my website, www.ankletrout.tk and also from www.wakeup.to/studioneck.
Please have a listen and contact me for any further details, or to redirect me to a reviewer.
Many thanks
John-Joe

It's to be hoped he's invested in extra bandwidth because this is just the kind of thing that lots of people are looking for.

Thank God for a little "crystalline certainty"

The main target of most PR blurb is the client. After all, who else is going to take something like this seriously?

From the pit of your stomach, you can feel the small semblance of a rebirth. A reinvention. For Jamison Covington, the dark eyes and sharp mind behind E For Explosion, this collection of shoe gaze and new wave inspired songs, is a rebirth in almost every way. In another life, Jamison Covington was the unwilling hero of the warped tour set, signing a major label deal at the age of 18, as one half of JamisonParker. Now years later, free from major label entanglements, Jamison has begun making the music that speaks to him with a crystalline certainty. "From writing the songs and fine tuning tones to engineering and production, there's not a part of the writing or recording process that I don't completely immerse myself in....honestly, I'm completely at ease with being a control freak."

Sharleen's "Man Of The Moment..."

I love this sort of press release. A lot of time and effort has gone into it, there's clearly skill and budget here, but it's all let down by the odd phrase (or, if you prefer, the whole idea of a Spiteri solo record). For one, to describe Bernard Butler as "the man of the moment" suggests either
a: You've not looked up from your desk much since 1998 (at best).
b: You're taking the piss.

And I like Bernard Butler. There are others. I like, "Once heard, never forgotten," which is patently untrue. Anyway, click and enjoy.

Are You Gavin A Laugh?

That isn't funny. But then, neither is this. In fact, everything about this is wrong. The fact that Gavin Rossdale is "back" is neither here nor there. But, if I were his manager I'd want to know why the person who is writing the press release is unable to show even a smidgen of actual interest. I think Gavin Rossdale's a twat too - everyone does - but if it was my job to pretend he wasn't then, surely I should at least try to muster up some genuine enthusiasm rather than weigh down the whole project with the meh-coloured overcoat of death. Or as a reader has it:

STOP THE BLOODY PRESSES! OMG!!11!!

Begin forwarded message:

From: "Boyers, Andrew"
Date: 9 May 2008 11:41:18 BDT
To: "Boyers, Andrew"
Subject: THAT GAVIN ROSSDALE OUT OF BUSH IS BACK!

Hello gang,

I have a big heads up for you all…remember Bush? They were pretty big in the 90s and did some half decent stuff along the way…well, Gavin Rossdale, the lead singer, has finally made the plunge and has decided to go it alone. That’s right – he’s going to be coming at you with a brand spanking debut album, called 'DELETED’, which is released on DELETED. Before the excitement of that engulfs you all, however, the debut single, ‘DELETED’ is release a week earlier on DELETED.

Of course, as well as having a bit of rock pedigree, he’s also the hubby of good old DELETED, the lucky fellow that he is.

I’ve put a link to a teaser video to the album release that’s up on YouTube for you all – check it out – it’s all edgy and mysterious…

BLOODY YOU TUBE LINKS DELETED

Of course, any news titbits and links would be gratefully appreciated – if you’re lucky Gav might come round himself and give you a big hug to say thanks.

Cheers,

Andrew

Plus-Size Horror

I went to college with a lot of trainee, wannabe actors. They were, even in their late teens, even when they were close, personal friends, pretty shameful characters. One of them ended up as a domestic-abuse victim in The Bill. Another appeared as a drooling, knife-wielding stalker in a z-grade Australian soap. The only other one who ever got a job spent six months on a cruise ship performing in a Bucks Fizz cover outfit three times a day. Clearly, "show" people are different from us. But how different? Well, different enough to make one reader exclaim:

This is making my teeth bleed, tell the cunts to stop! I WILL KILL AGAIN. I WILL KILL AGAIN. MARK MY WORDS!

Begin forwarded message:
From: "Marc Kruskol, MJK Public Relations"
Date: 6 May 2008 20:16:43 BST
Subject: WEBSITE CONTACT

Hey there folks:

"My very first audition was for a short film and I had to walk on a guy’s back in high heels. So here I am, wobbling around in my high heels, wondering “What on earth have I gotten myself into?” Yeah—the guy was like a hot rock walker, he knew how to do this stuff. But even so—I walked in, a little nervous, I mean, I’m a plus-sized girl. I wasn’t sure whether he was going to live through all this! There were spotters on each side of him, for me and nine others, just like me. We’d start at the bottom and walk along his back. Then we’d get to his head and leap off! That was pretty much the audition. I didn’t get cast, which was the first time I could actually say I was glad I didn't land the role."

“…Oh, did you hear about the actor who had a pizza made with his headshot embedded in the middle of it and sent one to every casting office in town?”

These are the stories that inspired Julia Flint’s Cast This!, the hilarious, edgy internet sitcom (www.castthis.net ) in which she serves as the writer, producer and star. The acting (and casting) business is familiar territory for Julia, who caught the acting bug in 4th grade. She has been a working actress for seven years in Hollywood, 10 before that in New York. Julia has gone on countless auditions, scoring roles in TV series including Life, Jericho and Strong Medicine. Information about and links to Julia’s other projects, as well as a link to Cast This!, are available on her website, www.divadproductions.com .

We would like to be very grateful if you would share this witty “webisode” series with your readers.

Originally from the East Coast, Julia was transplanted in 2000 to California. Before the move, Julia, who developed her passion for writing in second grade, wrote, produced, and starred in a two-woman show called 3DTV, which celebrated the “plus-sized” woman by presenting re-written sitcom shows such as Three’s Company and Get Smart as if they had been cast with large women. A terrific success (sold-out shows in New York and Connecticut) prompted her to “take it on the road,” as it were, and she moved west to California. As Julia continued to build her acting resume, she saw the perfect opportunity to combine all her loves into one exciting new project: the internet sitcom.

Please contact me with any questions.

Best regards,
Marc Kruskol
MJK Public Relations
(818) 997-0534

Spam On Rye

Now here's a birthday worth celebrating - the 30th Anniversary of the very first time someone had to delete a useless piece of nonsense that they welcomed in their in-tray in the same way they would welcome a turd floating in their drink. Amazing! Or as a reader has it:

Very postmodern this, a spam email notifying me of news about... spam emails!

Brilliant News!

It's only 500 hours until you can pay £3 to watch This Ain't Vegas and Does It Offend You, Yeah? in Gateshead!

An Object Lesson In Ruining It For Yourself

For even the lowliest PR, the subject line of an email is a chance to show your true mettle and really reach out and try to make someone - anyone! - take notice. Unless you're this person. "Some Of The Best Bands Come To Scotland" is, for me, the single worst, least-appealing, most heartbreakingly pointless subject line I have ever read. "Let me know if you want cheap tickets or press passes." "Cheap tickets" for We See Lights, The Vivians or cryoverbillionaires? Are you, perhaps, taking the piss? And what's "Sund City"? And doesn't the line, "I am selling cheap tickets to anyone who gets in touch with me for The Lost Boys" make the whole thing feel even more low-rent than it already is? Tremendously poor work - well done Jen at DF Concerts.

I Wonder Just How "Tight" It Was?

Click and enjoy... This gig happened last night. Perhaps someone could find out just how "tight" space was because my guess is there were oceans of space at the "Shep Bush" Empire, despite the mighty Air Traffic playing. And, I take issue with the idea that both bands are "incredible".