Friday, 23 May 2008

Are You A Lonely Spinster?

Are you the sort of person who'd love to get married - or even go out on a date once in a while - but no one ever asks, or if they do then they seem a little forward, or they have funny hair, or their teeth are odd, or their car is silly, or they don't have a job, or they have an unpleasant odour? Are you "happier" at home with your big slippers, a reheated dinner for one and an increasingly deep dependence on cheap, corner-shop bought white wine? Do you cry yourself to sleep, on average, three or four nights a week? Do you look at yourself in the mirror every morning wondering when was the exact moment when your life became a ponderous slog from one grotesquely unfulfilling day to another? Have you learnt to resent the pitying stares of your more socially adept friends and family? Are you secretly hoarding paracetamol, knowing full well that one day, and it may be soon, you're just not going to be able to take it anymore?

Great! Then we have just the magazine for you!

FROM: "Karen Dickinson"
07/05/08 15:25
SUBJECT: It's not just men who are from Mars

It’s not just men who are from Mars. New magazine suggests needy women are causing the nation’s moggies to display inappropriate or unacceptable behaviour. PetPeople, officially the world’s largest circulation pet focussed customer magazine, launches today with a remit to celebrate the joys of pet ownership. ARE YOU LISTENING, LADY SINGLETONS?

In the first issue, Animal Behaviourist and qualified veterinary nurse, Vicky Halls’ article, ‘Is the man in your life a cat?’, lays to rest the cat / spinster myth. In her survey of moggie owners, more than half of the women - 50.000000001% - who participated were married or cohabiting, and a third were under 30. Single or happily married SINGLE, Vicky is convinced that our moggies are struggling with the complex emotional needs of women, and that over-bearing relationships are leading cats to display inappropriate or unacceptable behaviour. OH JESUS Nearly half of respondents woke their cats up to give them some affection and 93% of people admitted to looking for their cat around the house if they hadn’t seen them for a little while. She suggests that humans wouldn’t be too impressed by such possessive behaviour by their partners. THESE WOMEN ARE INSANE

Petplan will provide expert help from leading vets, behaviourists and dieticians, plus insightful, and very often humorous, feature stories on everything from the perfect pet-friendly garden to dispelling the ‘mad cat lady’ myth. IF IT WAS A MYTH YOUR MAGAZINE WOULDN'T EXIST

The first issue of PetPeople will have a distribution of 600,000 copies. Readers can request a copy of Vicky Halls’ article, ‘Is the man in your life a cat?’, or further information on the magazine by emailing the team on BLAHBLAHBLAHBLAH


monkey_business said...

This ought to be the first draft of a not very funny sketch. Unfortunately, somebody thought that this survey and this publication were necessary.

The fact that PetPeople is "officially the world’s largest circulation pet focussed customer magazine" BEFORE IT HAS EVEN LAUNCHED should really tell them something - there isn't a market for their magazine because literally nobody wants to read this shit.

Dave the Flack said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Dave the Flack said...



Goodness, where to begin?! Thanks LIS for a bank holiday bumper edition!

Ignoring the obvious, such as surely it should be "consumer magazine" rather than "customer magazine", this is rather like boasting: "Here is a new magazine with the highest (ABC audit Q2/2008 = 1 reader) circulation amongst Austrian incestuous weirdos" ie not something one should be proud to issue a press releases about.

Oh dear. Pass the cyanide.

But on a positive note we're all back to work tomorrow, so can all make collective amends for the awful vomit-inducing wank that belies these pages on an all to regular basis? Huh? Any takers?

Fuck... ;-)