Monday, 30 June 2008

Lucky Old Holly Willoughby

I wonder who women would choose to give them the once over for breast cancer? James Nesbitt, maybe? Or Daniel Craig? Or, here's a thought, perhaps no one would ever consider it a decent question to ask them? Thanks to a reader in Birmingham for this.

From: Dominique Vincent [mailto:Dominique.Vincent@icr.ac.uk]
Sent: 30 June 2008 10:08
Subject: News release: Birmingham men want Holly Willoughby to check their testicles

Birmingham men want Holly Willoughby to check their testicles

Birmingham men would most like to have their testicles checked for cancer by Dancing on Ice presenter Holly Willoughby, according to a survey undertaken by the Everyman male cancer campaign.

But men were running for cover when it came to Big Brother contestant Jade Goody closely followed by singer Amy Winehouse - who men voted the women they least wanted to check their testicles for unusual lumps and bumps.

The survey of more than 1,000 men was carried out by One Poll on behalf of the prostate and testicular cancer charity, Everyman.

Testicular cancer survivor and Everyman spokesman, Millwall FC striker Neil Harris said the survey aimed to raise awareness about the importance of men checking their testicles regularly for any changes.

"While most men may dream about having their favourite celebrity helping them out, we encourage men to seek help from their partners or to go it alone in checking for any changes in the size, shape or weight of their testicles. If you notice anything unusual, contact your GP immediately," Harris said.

"As blokes tend to do, I was watching television with my hands resting in my shorts, and as I felt my testicles I noticed that one was bigger than the other. It just didn't feel right."

Top three celebrities Birmingham men would most like to have check their testicles:
* 15 per cent of men chose Holly Willoughby
* 13 per cent said socialite Paris Hilton
* 7 per cent selected Five News presenter Natasha Kaplinsky and model Kate Moss

Celebrities Birmingham men would least like to have check their testicles:
* 20 per cent chose Jade Goody
* 18 per cent said Amy Winehouse
* 16 per cent chose Heather Mills

Media contact: dominique.vincent@icr.ac.uk
-Ends-

Under The Cushh

Is Cushh the worst band name ever (or is that Wet Dog)? Well, it would be appropriate as they seem to have "employed" the single worst press release writer in the known world. The more I read this, the more I think that "Tina Ress" must have English as a second (OK, third) language, so, y'know, maybe I should give her a break. But...

1. "Hope you well" - you?
2. "Old Cushh songs will be released in Austrlia and Canada this summer via a "Non-Exclusive" deal." You what? And where's Austrlia?
3. "Recently have endorcement deal." Uh?
4. "sugar babes" - who?
5. "cush" - you mean Cushh, right?

And so it goes on and on and on and on. As a reader has it: "was this written by someone who only learnt the alphabet yeterday, or is "Tina Ress" a red indian from The Beano? "Me love Big heap um Cushh!"

From: Tina [tinaress9@aol.com]
Date: 29 June 2008 21:06:30 BST
Subject: WEBSITE CONTACT

Hi
Hope you well, www.myspace.com/cushh
cushh have new songs. Cushh previous songs are available for publishing and licencing. Old Cushh songs will be released in Austrlia and Canada this summer via a "Non-Exclusive" deal. Cushh are now recording new songs, recently have endorcement deal with Hiwatt Amplifier manufacters.
Cushh is now looking for a group label deal, to now fund them to the next level. They will be releasing another single in August this year after their debut single charted at number 31 and also appeared on the Billboard top 100 chart.cush have Toured with westlife and shane ward ,sugar babes...

Regards
Tina

Friday, 27 June 2008

Best Press Release Ever

This is how it's done friends... Thanks to reader Mr P Coats for this absolute doozy.

From: Laura Levy
Date: 27 June 2008 12:33:05 BST
Subject: Gary Christian

Hi

Gary Christian of the Christians will be available soon. Let me know if you want him.

Laura


GENIUS

Thursday, 26 June 2008

The Best Of We've All Been Waiting For!

This comes from a reader who has labelled it "Gold!" which, on first glance, may seem a little harsh. It's not badly written as such, though it is crammed with ridiculous statements (there is no way in the world you could accurately describe Quaye's time with Epic as "highly successful"), but let the glory of it all sink in a little and the good bits reveal themselves. For instance:
1. There are 16 tracks, only two of which reached the Top 20 and that was 11 years ago.
2. The part that reads, "in 1997 he played his debut gig in London's Ronnie Scotts (sic) Club in 1997" (fyi, it's Ronnie Scott's Jazz Club).
3 When a press release describes your later work as "less mainstream" and "challenging" it means they're rubbish.

I'll see you in the queue on July 1!


Tuesday, 24 June 2008

Treat 'Em Green, Keep 'Em Keen

There's something about this idea that doesn't quite seem to sit right in my mind, but I'm not sure I can pinpoint exactly what it is. Maybe you can?

------ Forwarded Message
From: "Luff, William"
Date: Mon, 23 Jun 2008 17:44:03 +0100
Subject: Sigur Ros & Bjork - Live in Iceland this weekend

Hi all,

For those of you not braving Glastonbury I bring news of a very special concert this weekend in Reykjavik. Bjork and Sigur Ros are teaming up to headline an outdoor gig in aid of environmental awareness, highlighting the rapid acceleration of Iceland's heavy industry and the detrimental effect this is having on the unparalleled beauty of the Icelandic landscape.

Icelandair have very kindly agreed to provide flights and hotels for journalists keen to cover the concert. It takes place on Saturday 28th June. Let me know if you are interested in attending - and writing about the event! - or sending someone to cover it for you, and I'll make arrangements.

I'd need confirmations by Weds morning latest - but the earlier the better really.

All the best
William

William Luff, Head Of Press
EMI Records, 43 Brook Green, London W6 7EF

Monday, 23 June 2008

Wimbledon? Common...

Tennis! Brilliant! Tim Henman and the Australian with the hair and that bloke who invented Fred Perry shirts - what was he called again? Anyway, if you're sat a desk at a moronically poor periodical just wondering what you can fill your useless pages with then Hannah Kenward at Shine has great news! She's collected all the rubbish weather crap you never cared about re: Wimbledon and spammed every website in the country asking if they want to run it. Well, it's a job, I suppose. Though the website boss she sent this to didn't feel quite as forgiving:

DID BORAT WRITE THIS PIECE OF USELESS SHIT? "Always controversial these weather-based gems of information may help to colour your editorial!" WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?

Begin forwarded message:
From: "Hannah Kenward"
Subject: WIMBLEDON WEATHER - Evian's Facts and Figures

Did you know that the last year Wimbledon ran uninterrupted with no rain was 1995!

To help with any Wimbledon themed stories you may be planning for The Championship’s we wanted to send through these fun facts looking at the weather during Britain’s biggest tennis tournament. Always controversial these weather-based gems of information may help to colour your editorial!

If you’d like any further information of images then please do get in touch.

Best wishes,
Hannah






























Thursday, 19 June 2008

Authentic Pop Standards And New Wave Anthems - Together At Last!

Are you into Officer Kicks? Yeah, me too. Although *flicks greasy, idiot fringe* I'm more into Cage The Elephant, obviously! When we started this blog it was to highlight the rampant foolishness of so many badly thought out music "biz" press releases. Then other people started sending wonderful examples of awfulness from other industries. So many that we almost forgot how truly uplifting terrible, witless, pointless music PR can be. So many, many thanks to Mark and everyone at 10 X Better for this fantastic addition to the canon. Oh, and there's a D in "Guildford" and the bit about "alternative plans" that have "excited business" doesn't make any sense.



Wildly Off Target: 3

Cute lickle stamps to stick on your wetters that you send to your likkle mates from your howidays! Ahhh! How sweet! If you were running a website for 7 year old girls you might - might - be interested in this sort of horseshit. However, if you were the boss of a deeply scurrilous, writ-baiting gossip website you might be tempted to consider it crappy spam (click for full horror) and send it to me with a note reading:

"might be of interest for the site" - "might be of interest for the site"! Have you ever looked at my site, you FILTHY WORD DELETED? Know your audience woman!

Wednesday, 18 June 2008

Be A Love And Scale My Differentiated Service Integrators, Sweetheart, There's A Good Girl...

Lydia Curtis is on fire with this stuff. I sort of see what she's driving at, but I'm still baffled why what potentially seems to be a reasonably interesting thing - streaming TV anywhere in the house (is that what she's on about?) - has to be made so crushingly tedious to read. Is it Microsoft policy or something? Anyway, this is another doozy from yesterday's supplier who goes on to say:

This one's even better, sounding not unlike an announcement of the start of World War IV or somesuch.

My favourite bit: “Alcatel-Lucent and Microsoft commenced a strategic reseller and systems integration relationship to accelerate the worldwide availability of IPTV, and this successful relationship remains in place,” said Christine Heckart, general manager of marketing for Microsoft Mediaroom.

Sounds great Christine - how about drinks at my place on Friday?!??

Begin forwarded message:
From: "Curtis, Lydia (LDN-WSW)" Date: 16 June 2008 16:24:14 BDT
To: "Curtis, Lydia (LDN-WSW)"
Subject: Microsoft Names HP, Tech Mahindra and 180Squared New Systems Integration Partners for Microsoft Mediaroom Deployments

For Release 6:30 a.m. PDT
June 16, 2008
Microsoft Names HP, Tech Mahindra and 180Squared New Systems Integration Partners for Microsoft Mediaroom Deployments Expanding Microsoft Mediaroom ecosystem supports scaling of deployments worldwide.

LAS VEGAS — June 16, 2008 — Microsoft Corp. today announced at NXTcomm08 the addition of Internet Protocol television (IPTV) systems integration partners HP, Tech Mahindra Ltd. and 180Squared Inc. to the Microsoft Mediaroom technology ecosystem. The three companies completed a Mediaroom training and market-readiness program, enabling them to offer deployment services to new and existing Microsoft Mediaroom IPTV customers, including 20 of the world’s leading service providers across four continents.
As part of the training and market-readiness program, the new systems integrators completed training, which ensures that service providers around the world will have various high-quality vendors to assist them with deployments of their Microsoft Mediaroom-powered connected TV service offerings. The expansion of the Microsoft Mediaroom technology ecosystem to include additional systems integrators reflects a growing interest in world-class IPTV services from broadband operators of various sizes and geographic locations.
HP, Tech Mahindra and 180Squared have also demonstrated their commitment to ensuring successful deployments of Microsoft Mediaroom-connected TV services by working with Microsoft to build center of excellence laboratories around the world. These facilities are being established to provide service providers with resources to take their IPTV operations from trial stages to commercial deployment.
“Alcatel-Lucent and Microsoft commenced a strategic reseller and systems integration relationship to accelerate the worldwide availability of IPTV, and this successful relationship remains in place,” said Christine Heckart, general manager of marketing for Microsoft Mediaroom. “We are pleased to further enhance the Mediaroom technology ecosystem with the addition of deployment service companies HP, Tech Mahindra and 180Squared to support service providers scaling their differentiated connected TV services. Alcatel-Lucent has partnered with Microsoft on our largest Mediaroom IPTV deployments and remains our only end-to-end IPTV system integrator.”
With the help of these companies, Microsoft Mediaroom will continue to drive TV innovation worldwide. Fourteen service providers are commercially deploying Microsoft Mediaroom-powered services to offer advanced connected TV services to their customers. Microsoft Mediaroom-enabled advanced TV features include DVR Anywhere, which gives consumers the flexibility to watch recorded programs on any TV in their home, instant channel changing, and PC-to-TV photo and music sharing. The Microsoft Mediaroom platform, which reached 1 million subscriber homes in the first quarter of 2008, is now powering connected TV services on more than OH CHRIST MAKE IT STOP

Tuesday, 17 June 2008

Please Don't Compromise My Mediaroom Ecosystem

The following press release runs to about a thousand words, none of which make sense. Or maybe they do? I throw it open to Lydia Curtis at Weber Shandwick, perhaps she could cook this down to about 50 words and then let us all know what it was she was driving at first time round. Then maybe she could let us know why she sent out this impenetrable screed in the first place when she could have just written something we could all understand. Then again, "service assurance solutions enable up-to-the-minute monitoring and analyzing of Microsoft Mediaroom-powered services" probably sits really well with the dorks paying the bills, so who cares? Or, as a reader has it:

This really sounds like it's been translated from Taiwanese via medieval German using a pocket travel translator

Begin forwarded message:
From: "Curtis, Lydia (LDN-WSW)" [lcurtis@webershandwick.com]
Date: 16 June 2008 16:02:14 BDT
To: "Curtis, Lydia (LDN-WSW)"
Subject: Microsoft Adds Agilent and IneoQuest Quality of Service Assurance Solutions to Microsoft Mediaroom IPTV Ecosystem

For Release 6 a.m. PDT
June 16, 2008
Microsoft Adds Agilent and IneoQuest Quality of Service Assurance Solutions to Microsoft Mediaroom IPTV Ecosystem
Growing ecosystem reinforces quality of service for Microsoft Mediaroom-powered offerings.

LAS VEGAS — June 16, 2008 — Microsoft Corp. today announced that Agilent Technologies Inc. and IneoQuest Technologies Inc. have joined the Microsoft Mediaroom ecosystem as Internet Protocol television (IPTV) quality of service (QoS) solution providers. The Agilent and IneoQuest solutions help service providers ensure the highest QoS for their deployments of the award-winning Microsoft Mediaroom IPTV and multimedia software platform without compromising security or network performance.

With the help of Agilent and IneoQuest, consumer interest and adoption of Microsoft Mediaroom services will continue to accelerate. The platform, which reached 1 million subscriber homes in the first quarter of 2008, is now powering connected TV services on more than 2 million TV sets worldwide. Microsoft Mediaroom took 18 months to reach its first million TVs, and only five months to reach its second million, a rate of more than three times faster.
A key component of the Microsoft Mediaroom ecosystem, service assurance solutions enable up-to-the-minute monitoring and analyzing of Microsoft Mediaroom-powered services. With the Agilent and IneoQuest solutions, service providers have a more effective way to quickly detect and resolve QoS issues, which can ultimately help reduce OH PLEASE GOD MAKE IT STOP

Monday, 16 June 2008

If Only I Could Remember Your Name

When you have to explain (in brackets) who someone is by use of their partner's name (who you've also never heard of) then you're really in trouble, aren't you? And, as an aside. do you think i-DJ actually printed 'Boderline...', or do you think that's just a badly copied take on 'Borderline'? Bearing all these things in mind, maybe it's not the time to use that most hoary of cliches, STOP THE PRESSES! Or as this reader from a nice building in East London has it:

Dear LiS
I did indeed storm into the editor's office at my publication and insist that he stopped the presses of the music section. He duly scrapped the 500,000 copies printed so far in order to incorporate the fabulous news of ... oh, I've forgotten what it was already.

-----------------------------

From: Lucy Barber [mailto:lucy@thinkespionage.com]
Sent: 13 June 2008 17:45
To: Lucy Barber
Subject: STOP THE MUSIC PRESS! GEORGE DEMURE - NEWS - SINGLE/GLASTO/REMIXES - OUT 30TH JUNE - AUGUST DAY RECORDINGS

GEORGE DEMURE NEWS... (aka husband of designer Laura Lees)

Charismatic Scottish crooner George Demure is back with the?latest single?from his successful debut album "Boomtown Medallion", which was released late last year to critical acclaim...

THE SINGLE
George Demure - 'Sorrow' - the new single out Monday June 30th on August Day Recordings.

This quirky electronic gem is a cover of the Bowie classic 'Sorrow' which was produced by George with a helping hand from Aidan Love of Maps and Goldfrapp notoriety. Remix duty comes from the great Dave Ball, with his ?Nitewrecker? remix. As one half of Soft Cell, Dave Ball was one of those producers who laid down the blueprints for an entire category of synthesizer based music. Dave's mix completes the circle and adds a melancholic but up-tempo take on the George original. To round things off George couldn't resist including the live favourite 'Underwear'. Get 'em off, and quick.

i-DJ - 'Boderline DELETED'
NME - 'George Demure is DELETED!"
Time Out ' - 'He's a DELETED!"

Friday, 13 June 2008

Selective Memory Alert

Motley Crue are a tiresome bunch of old pillocks, but that's OK. What isn't OK is the second sentence of this press release which proclaims, "No band has ever consumed as many drugs and downed as much booze without dying as LA's Motley Crue". Well, they might not have died, but MC singer Vince Neil certainly killed Hanoi Rocks' drummer Razzle stone bloody dead after "downing booze" and drugs and smashing the car they were sharing back in December 1984. Rock on!

Thursday, 12 June 2008

"We Are Now Landing On Planet Wrong..."

The Music are the worst band in the history of ugly people striking bits of wood and wire. There's no need to enter into a debate about it, they just are. There is no one weaker, more pitiful, more unwanted, more grimly determined to reveal the very emptiness of their mortal souls than The Music. And yet, they keep coming back. A chap I know once reduced the lead singer to tears - during an interview, mind - by enquiring why on earth he carried on when his band were so demonstrably, ball-achingly poor. And answer came there none...

Anyway, they've got a new record to promote. Don't they realise that the world is full to the brim with bloody records already? Honestly, guys, we don't need anymore! Not unless it's really, really amazing, the sort of record that will blow our tiny minds to pieces and make us realise that we've been wasting our lives up until this point. And that's not going to happen with these honking, goose-faced also-rans, is it? No, no it isn't.

I am indebted to a reader from west London who sent this, their new biog in. He titled his email, "A masterclass in wrong" and he wasn't joking. His favourite quote is the following:

"So after the wrong moves, false starts and genuinely scratching the bottom before soaring confidently again, The Music are hopeful they’ve not just created an record to listen to, ‘Strength In Numbers’ is an album to live with."

There are others. Mine is this quote from the very first line, "It’s about brining people together" - brining people together? What, like in a salt water way? What are you on about? Anyway, later singer Rob says: "A lot of the album is about personal, mental battles. Not giving in to the negative thoughts.”

Mate, sometimes negative thoughts are trying to tell you something important. Like your band is rubbish and no one cares anymore. Give in to them, please give into them.


“There’s a thirst there,” declares The Music’s Rob Harvey as he looks to sum-up the spirit fuelling his band’s new album ‘Strength In Numbers’ due for release on DELETED. “There’s a hunger there again. It’s about brining people together and making them feel good.” Defiant, optimistic and united, The Music’s third record finds them buoyant, and brimming with vigour. However as the band’s frontman sketches out, it’s not the usual bluster from a band with a new record - this is a hard won confidence.

Despite only just reaching their mid-20s, Robert Harvey (vocals) Adam Nutter (guitar), Stuart Coleman (bass) and Phil Jordan (drums) have fought hard to get this far. They are a band that have been to the brink, but pulled it back before everything crumbled into dust.

“The album was definitely born out of darkness. It’s got an underlying element of urgency. It’s pulsating,” says the singer of the new record. “It’s been a long time and we’ve been through a lot in that period which made us realise we had to do something special. Every song has to be worth something.”

While ‘Strength In Numbers’ finds them bullish, The Music admit they lost traction around the release of their last album and it was an unfortunate slip for a band who stood out from the crowd with the fusion of beats, grooves and a rock n roll heart on their self-titled debut.

In 2001 they emerged almost out of nowhere; a bunch of BORING BORING BORING BORING BORING BORING BORING BORING BORING BORING BORING BORING BORING BORING BORING BORING BORING BORING BORING BORING BORING.

Their early live shows garnered a glut of positive reviews celebrating the bands ambition and by the time of their debut album they had been established firmly as one of Britain's hottest talents, but thanks to the incendiary experience of their BORING BORING BORING BORING BORING BORING across the globe.

Here was a band who had everything, a real band who people believed in, a band with an enigmatic cool (HAHAHAHA!), a band who would go on to headline the likes of Brixton Academy and The Empress Ballroom in Blackpool, stages at Reading and Leeds festivals, a band who wouldBORING BORING BORING BORING BORING BORING BORING BORING BORING BORING.

“One of the main problems is that you grow a lot mentally between the ages of 18 and 24, even if you’re in an office job. That’s a strain, but for us we did it touring,” explains Rob of the bad places The Music found themselves. A band driven by passion and belief from their inception, the situation was not helped by a quick realisation that the band were unhappy with the second record they created. “The American thing was the most difficult.,” admits Rob. “To be able to mean something to that many people is obviously enticing. You think of U2 and Coldplay, bands that have made that step, and it’s a dream to a lot of groups so we went for it, but at the time we didn’t know that the songs weren’t good enough or how tired we were.”

However while some acts might have just kept quiet, tried to and tried to get to the end hoping their audience wouldn’t complain, The Music’s commitment and need to create something they believed in began to tear them apart.

“I’d lost touch with who I was,” admits Rob frankly. “With all the paranoia the negatives had overtaken my mind, and I needed a rest to remember who I was again. One of the main reasons I think we were misunderstood a lot is that we didn’t really know what we were. We had to change things.”

The results of that ultimatum are ‘Strength In Numbers’. The title is both an expression of the unity now bonding the band, but it is also an antidote to the fractured, isolated world that often passes for society at present. It is rallying call to the individual, but one that says get involved, engage and connect with the world around you.

“It’s about standing strong, being comfortable with your self and realising there is a future, there is something to look forward to," declares Rob. "A lot of the album is about personal, mental battles. Not giving in to the negative thoughts.”

Produced by ex Orbital man Phil Hartnoll and Killers and U2 collaborator Flood, highlights include ‘The Spike’ which oscillates between BORING BORING BORING BORING BORING BORING BORING BORING BORING BORING BORING BORING BORING BORING BORING BORING BORING BORING BORING .

So after the wrong moves, false starts and genuinely scratching the bottom before soaring confidently again, The Music are hopeful they’ve not just created an record to listen to, ‘Strength In Numbers’ is an album to live with.

“It’s about brining people together - STILL WITH THE BRINING! - and making them feel good,” declares Rob again. “We know we can’t save the world but we can do our little bit to make people feel part of it and bring them out of the unconscious. I want people to feel like I do when I’m singing these songs – I want them to feel in the moment not disconnected. We want people to be able to express themselves. Yeah, the BORING BORING BORING!”

Wednesday, 11 June 2008

Things We Think But Never Say Out Loud

Press release first this time. There's nothing particularly wrong with it, it's not David Cox's fault that he has to be part of this rubbish. But the "reply" from the journalist who sent it to me has made me laugh out loud every time I've read it...

From:david.cox@outside-org.co.uk
Sent: 10 June 2008 15:40
Subject: Kid Rock Photo Opportunity tomorrow 5pm....

Ish.....

Kid Rock is playing tomorrow night at Shepherd's Bush to support his excellent new single All Summer Long (taken from Rock 'n' Roll Jesus).

At 5pm tomorrow afternoon, we will have a promotional vehicle setting off around London playing the single to the summery people on the streets. Accompanying a large poster for the single will be a couple of ladies dancing along to the tune.... On poles! Anyway, we have arranged a nice photocall at EROS, PICCADILLY CIRCUS at 5pm. Should get some interesting views!

The lorry will then work its way around the streets to end up at the venue in time for the gig. Please let me know if you would like to send someone along.

I'll be at the start of the journey and am on 0*******7 if you need to get hold of me.

All the best,
David.
---
David Cox || Press Office
The Outside Organisation Ltd

_____________
From:******@*******.co.uk
T: lostinshowbiz@gmail.com
Sent: 10 June 2008 15:40
Subject: Kid Rock Photo Opportunity tomorrow 5pm....

Great - or why not kill yourself and I’ll come and take a photo of that?

Tuesday, 10 June 2008

Wildly Off Target: 2

I can sense a whole new strand coming on where journalists working in specific areas highlight the spam-a-like crapola that unthinking PRs fling at them every single bloody day of their lives...

Send yours in now.

You can add me to your growing list of journalists who are baffled by the randomness of some of the releases they receive every few hours.

I'm an education correspondent, so why would I want to know about Lamborghini car-branded note-pad computers? If they were giving thousands of the things to schools for free or something, or offering them cheap to teachers, there is a tiny percentage chance that it might make a NIB on a really, really slow day. But even that's unlikely.

Instead they are offering "new levels of portable luxury" with Lamborghini car badges and "sophisticated design [extending] to a black honeycomb grille-effect which emulates a car radiator grille and a leather keyboard surround that completes the sense of power and refinement".

Could they now tell me:
a) Which teachers or 12-year-old school kids they think could afford these things? (no price in the release, unhelpfully, but a Google search suggests they sell for nearly £2,000).

& b) What teachers would risk buying one, given the chances their pupils will either nick it or take the piss out of their tacky taste?

Also, if they're going to send a release to several hundred random journalists you'd think they'd bother to check basic grammar ("under it's bonnet", "details don't end there the striking range branding" and so on).

I'm tempted to respond to their gibberish about the "45 nanometer process", by bombarding them with obscure education jargon.


-----Original Message-----
From: Kay Clark [mailto:kay@tru-pr.co.uk]
Sent: 09 June 2008
To: xxxxxxx, xxxxxxx
Subject: [PR] Press Release: Power, speed, Strength and Beauty. The latest compact addition to the ASUS Lamborghini notebook series roars into the UK

With the launch today of the VX3, ASUS's legendary Lamborghini VX series goes compact providing processing power with new levels of portable luxury.

Aside from the stunning styling sported by all the VX range*, this new power compact features an array of industry leading technology to enhance user enjoyment.

As you would expect from high performance engineering the VX3 runs the latest Penryn-based Intel(r) Core(tm) powerful processor under it's bonnet, providing a turbocharged performance that delivers a notebook simply in a class of its own. Manufactured using the 45-nanometer process, the VX3 performance is complemented by fuel-economy in the shape of a great battery life.

This power compact also features cutting-edge biometric identification system for added data security as well as providing an integrated webcam, discretely incorporated above the screen.

The sapphire crystal widescreen 12.1 inch display provides the ultimate high resolution graphics for size, this rich visual is completed with fantastic quality speakers that speed along the side of the keyboard.

The luxurious design details don't end there the striking range branding* is finished with a robust titanium alloy hinge backbone that together with a premium leather-bound palm rest means that the VX3 exudes luxury, with an interplay of warmth and a cool high-tech aesthetic that mirrors the principle of perfection attained from this visual and tactile balance.

The iconic design and power of Lamborghini's world class cars have inspired the creation of the VX range of top tier laptops including the new VX notebook.

The Lamborghini Notebook series are available in either yellow or black and all feature Lamborghini styling and badges combined with a high-quality lacquer finish and that truly reflects the bright, smooth, elegant and eye-catching essence of the cars.

The sophisticated design extends to a black honeycomb grille-effect which emulates a car radiator grille and a leather keyboard surround that completes the sense of power and refinement.





Now, I might be wrong here, but wouldn't you have to be some sort of mentally subnormal buffoon to want one of these?

Monday, 9 June 2008

Professional Outfit Alert

I know it's easy to mess up on poor old Mary J's name, but it takes a real commitment to shoddiness to send out a huge email shot that calls her Mary J Blinge. I'll forgive the PRFORMING as that's fairly standard for picture agencies, but where did that stray N in Blige even come from?

Friday, 6 June 2008

Fashion PR Amazingness

This is truly wonderful. Steve Monghan - AKA Stevie Mona - has written perhaps my favourite press release of the last few months. Everything is here, from terrible, junior-school grammatical errors, to wildly over-blown, never-mind-the-quality-feel-the-width arsery. There is not a wasted word here, from the stunning subject line to the super-casual "peace" sign-off like it's 1987 and "Stevie" is, in fact, Rakim in a slightly too tight faux-Prada blouson. I am indebted to a reader from a very grown up publishing concern for sending this in. Strangely, they couldn't bring themselves to comment. Perhaps they've grown used to this sort of awfulness...

From: Steve Monaghan [mailto:steviemona@googlemail.com]
Sent: 05 June 2008 11:01
To: stephen monaghan; eric conyers
Subject: HEAR THE SYMPHONY OF STYLE ... LUDWIG HAS ARRIVED!

Ladies and Gents

open up your ears and clean out your eyes and feast upon the visual and aural style amalgamation that is Ludwig ...

An L.A based fashion forward thinking, post street-wear label that has arrived in the UK under the watchful eye and protective wing of SANEcommunications ... backed by Willard (son of harrison) Ford ... the force is strong with this one !!

taking the F**K YOU anarchy vibe of Alex delarge and fusing it with the symphonic vision and genius of Ludwig Van Beethoven ... LUDWIG is ready to give the people some classical anarchy on their backs!!

so folks ... peruse the lookbook and get a feeling for this brand as the S/S collection is even better and bigger in 'sound and vision' ... its time to let the world know ... Ludwig is conducting the new clothing orchestra !

This is A/W look-book so lets get some interest going folks ...

get back to me for images and info etc ...

peace

steve sane

Thursday, 5 June 2008

It's Juxtapositions Of Burlesque Hedonism O'Clock (Triptych Edition)!

Here's my dream PR email.

Hello. X has a record out on X. My email address is X, my phone number is X.

bye

But that never happens, does it? Everyone always feels the need to shoot the shit a little, go crazy for a bit like that's going to not only hold your attention (it doesn't), but drag you into the project too (it doesn't). Like this guy who is so hungry to get going with all the cliches we've all read A MILLION TIMES that he's barely out of the starting blocks before we're experiencing "characters" and "musical feasts" and "triptychs" and the rest of it. My one question is this. Why are you doing this? Honestly, why? No one's ever going to read it. Well, hopefully they are now, but that probably wasn't the intention originally. Anyway, there's toe-curling pleasure here, or, as a reader has it:

Hello LiS

I hope you like this beautiful gem x

---------- Forwarded message ----------
From: spencer pearce
Date: Thu, May 15, 2008 at 10:54 AM
Subject: Give this some airplay!

Spencer Jude's diverse sound is a musical feast of Blues, Folk, Funk, Punk and Rock. The Last Trilogy (Part 1) is a triptych set to the backdrop of 2003/4, which uses 3 distinct characters to explore through music, words and performance the political and social landscape facing our times. Raising issues of war, social control and political manipulation alongside mass denial, hedonism and a culture of consumerism. This is juxtaposed with a message of love, peace and raised consciousness.

Spencer Jude's performance is a transformation from protest singer songwriter to a burlesque-style hedonistic devil character and finally into an image of benevolence & compassion. He is drawing average audiences of approx 150 people per show attracting great reviews and interest the music industry.

The Whoopee Club have set a new night called The Master&Margarita A Night With The Devil to showcase his performance of Part 2 which will be held monthly at the Vibe Bar starting on the 28th May. Along with other Male Acts from the Burlesque World.

He is currently working on the follow up The Last Trilogy Sequel Part 2 set sometime in the future dealing with the pressing issue of Climate Change. With more Power tunes from The Devil and His Nemisis.

Please don't hesitate to contact either myself or Spencer for further information.

Sincerely,

Vivienne McKenzie
Publicist

Tuesday, 3 June 2008

Wildly Off Target

If PR is about anything - and, increasingly, it seems unsure what it is about - then, surely, it's about tailoring your information, it's about finding the people who care about the stuff you're trying to punt and developing some sort of relationship with them. Because, otherwise, it's just annoying, pointless, time-wasting spam, isn't it? The following email was received by a reader who writes for a publication about the nuclear industry – "the magazine has ‘Nuclear’ in the title so it’s not hard to work out what it’s about," they explain. So why would anyone send them this tired load of horseshit? Or as our reader has it:

I get a huge amount of e-mails about all sorts of crap, from public school open days to independent financial advisors. Most of them I just delete straight away. The following, however, was so indescribably bad and so utterly off topic I was moved to send it in. I nodded off at ‘Great…’, but managed to rouse myself enough to count two awful clich├ęs in the first paragraph alone. I have no idea what the rest of it says, I didn’t bother reading the majority of his 700+ word introductory e-mail asking me if I wanted to see his feature – which is no doubt as ‘unique’, ‘revolutionary’ and ‘innovative’ as this god-awful email...

From: James
Sent: 02 June 2008 16:23
To: **** *******
Subject: Re: Music Industry All A Big Joke?

Hi there
Great story for you about how though the current state of the music industry may be no joke, but one of Britain's biggest comedy brands are convinced their fresh approach to marketing music will mean they have the last laugh.

New music company DELETED is the latest branch of the DELETED comedy empire. Founded by then drama teacher DELETED in 1983, DELETED has grown to become a British comedy institution with a chain of sixteen comedy clubs throughout the UK and corporate, theatre and television divisions.

The same ethos that has made the company so phenomenally successful in comedy is now being applied to music and the forthcoming album 'DELETED', by hotly tipped new act DELETED, will be the first release by the new label. Out of nowhere their tune 'DELETED' has been B listed for Radio 2 and it looks like being the soulful soundtrack to the summer.

DELETED is the brainchild of talented new singer-songwriter, multi-instrumentalist, producer, DJ, designer and animator DELETED as well as being a great musician, DELETED were determined to find a modern '360 degree artist' who would not in any way rest on their laurels in the pursuit of chart success. For starters DELETED was discovered after playing with DELETED from The DELETED.

Central to the company's music marketing strategy for DELETED, just as it is with comedy performers, is an emphasis on live performance and the company's experience and contacts in this field have proven invaluable. Ahead of the release of 'DELETED,' DELETED have toured extensively with a street team accompanying them on every date of the tour and plastic models, badges, USB wrist bands with info about the band have been distributed to fans as a way of helping to capture data from audiences who attend the gigs.

In an effort to capture the attention of key media figures, a limited number of VIP packs have also been produced. In line with the DELETED brand's sense of fun, this has taken the form of gun-shaped boxes including CD sample, biog and a jack in a box that has been creating a real buzz.

But the fresh approach doesn't end there and OH CHRIST ALRIGHT - WE'VE SUFFERED ENOUGH!

Anyway, I thought this story might make a really interesting feature and I can arrange exclusive interviews with everyone behind the project such as former business woman of the year DELETED, great new band DELETED and everyone behind DELETED.

I'd love to see a feature on this and think there's a lot to say. What are your thoughts?

All the best,

James

Monday, 2 June 2008

Welcome To: Oh Christ Make It Stop

This is rubbish from beginning to end. And there's way too much about wigs. But, hey, that's normal. But could these people not have just spent ten seconds Googling how to spell Paul McCartney? Is that really too much to expect?


BEATLES DAY – IMAGINE THE CONCERT
LIVERPOOL SUMMER POPS 08 - ECHO ARENA
THURSDAY 10TH JULY 2008

First to join up alongside host, RICKY TOMLINSON, are ‘house band’ for the evening, THE BACKBEAT BEATLES, the most famous fab four tribute act in the world. The Backbeat Beatles feature Chris O’Neill who starred in the cult Beatles film “Backbeat’.

They will be joined on stage by a galaxy of stars including some of the best loved sixties acts such as Liverpool legend Gerry Marsden, the Quarrymen (Paul Mc Cartney and John Lennon’s original band), the Swinging Blue Jeans, Merseybeats, Mike Pender from the Searchers, the Original Fourmost, The Black Knights, Karl Terry & The Cruisers, The Undertakers and Kingsize Taylor & The Dominoes.

All acts will be performing well-known Beatles favourites as chosen by the public in a forthcoming people’s vote. Expect more acts, including contemporary artists to be announced next week!

Today, CMP promoter Chas Cole, has also revealed that everyone who purchases a ticket for the show will receive a free Beatles mop top wig worth £5: “Anyone who has bought or is buying a ticket for Imagine - The Concert can pick up a Beatles wig from the 16th of June at the ‘08 shop in Whitechapel by showing their ticket which will then be stamped.”

“No wig, no gig!” joked Ricky Tomlinson, “I’ll certainly be wearing my mop-top and looking forward to a right old knees up!”
The Arena won’t, of course, refuse entry to anyone with a valid ticket.

Over 20,000 specially-made Beatles-style mop-top wigs will be sold around Merseyside in the days leading up to 10th July, and following a day of celebrations all over the region and are priced at £5, 100% of which will be going to the named charities. The cost of producing the mop-tops has been kindly sponsored by the Liverpool business community. Wigs will be available from the 16th of June in many high street outlets including Merseytravel Information Centres, Smiffy’s in Bold Street, 08 Stores in the city and at John Lennon Airport, Liverpool Echo foyer in Old Hall Street and the Imagine Appeal office in Alder Hey hospital. More outlets to be announced next week.

10th July 1964 marks the date The Beatles were greeted by thousands of screaming fans as they landed back at Speke Airport after conquering the USA for the first time. Later that evening, over 100,000 fans line the streets of Liverpool as John, Paul, George and Ringo attend a civic reception for the premiere of ‘A Hard Day's Night’.

Some of the events happening during the run up and on the fun packed day will include:
Beatles Fun Run around the Echo Arena Complex
Beatles bands on the roof throughout the City.
Beatles Parade around the Beatles Tourist hotspots such as Strawberry Fields and Penny Lane.
Beatles Portrait competition being held in local schools
Bumper Beatles Qui... OH CHRIST MAKE IT STOP