Charlotte Church, Catherine Zeta Jones, her out of Catatonia, the other one...

I love this one. "This is your final reminder"! Really? Oh God, I'm so sorry, I thought I'd already paid it and I'm sure the cheque's in the post, but if it isn't I'll come to the office and... Eh? It's not a Final Reminder as in a threatening bill? Oh. What's it for then? A band called what? Birds Of Wales? You're sending me a final reminder about Birds Of bloody Wales? And they're playing the Water Rats and they're signed to the same label as Thomas Dolby? Ha! Hahahaha! Hahahahahahahahaha! Hahahahahahahahahahaha (laughs so hard lungs pop out of nose).

------ Forwarded Message
From: mailout@lokipr.com
Date: Fri, 28 Mar 2008 13:46:12 +0000
To: mailout@lokipr.com
Subject: Birds of Wales - MONDAY over from CANADA 10pm

This is your final reminder. Birds Of Wales play Water Rats, Kings Cross Monday on stage 10pm. They have sold out the rest of their tour nationally after a BLAHBLAHBLAH.

Single BLAH, follows their debut EP both out on Invisible Hands Music, home to The Jam, Emerson, Lake & Palmer, Ex-stranglers (capital E, small S, nice touch) frontman Hugh Cornwell, Thomas Dolby and BLAHBLAHBKAHG to name but a few.

Lead singer BLAHBLAH was voted 3rd hottest man in Canada (HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA) by Much Music (the Canadian equivalent of MTV). He also played semi-professional football (soccer to them) before becoming a full-time singer/songwriter and is also the great, great, grandnephew of Florence Nightingale (OH JESUS LET THE HUMILIATION END) as well as being related to Björn Ulvaeus of ABBA fame too. So as you can see he's used to the spotlight. (YES, HOW AMAZING)

Get in touch for press release or guest list
--

Sensitivity Overload

I don't know about you, but I'm kind of OK for "British" and positively baulk at the idea of having to sit through a single "moving acoustic ballad". The idea that anyone could ever describe themselves as in "need" of the same strikes me as a ludicrous idea.

"You’d be silly to miss such an astonishing band"

No I wouldn't. I've been saving this one for a few days so I can enjoy it in peace, but now I want everyone to have their chance to wallow a little. If we were to take it apart bit by bit we'd be here all day, but let's agree to agree that none of us have ever heard of Vinny Vinny - although we have heard of Vincent Vincent and his Villains - and the chances our minds will be "blown" by a dish-water dull, four-square indie group such as this shower are about as likely as discovering that their record isn't a bruisingly tedious retread of a million other bruisingly tedious records we've already suffered. Having said that, I'm promised here that these "taste-maker ticklers" ("championed by Dr Martens and Levis") will "take 2008 by storm", so I'm fully willing to apologise when they do. But, to make it fair, I want a written apology when they don't. OK? And supporting The Holloways is not an "envious gig" it's an "enviable gig" (except it isn't, they're one of the ten most awful bands in the country), but let's not worry about that too much right now.

------ Forwarded Message
From: clarewoodcock.com
Date: Tue, 25 Mar 2008 12:22:46 +0000
Subject: Invite to Vinny Vinny single launch

VINNY VINNY ‘BLAHBLAHBLAH’
MONDAY CLUB RECORDS
RELEASED: BLAHBLAHBLAH

Vinny Vinny are the sharp-suited 4-piece band that you’ve been hearing good things about since last summer. Vinny Vinny are BLAHBLAHBLAH and they’re about to blow your mind.

Broke up the Family is the highly charged second single from the celebrated Southend Soulsavers Vinny Vinny, who are ready to take 2008 by storm. Their first single One Eyed Maniac tickled the tastemakers in all the right places and became the explosive platform for good things to come for these honest Nu Soul boys from Essex.

2007 was a mighty achievement for such a new band seeing them catapulted into the heady hedonistic heights at the infamous Ibiza Rocks gigs, supporting The Holloways – an envious gig for any group arriving on the scene – resulting in them being hotly tipped by mega-hip rock publication BLAH and indie bible BLAHBLAH. Having been championed by Dr Martens and Levis, they have proceeded to perform groundbreaking gigs at BLAHBLAHBLAH. Vinny Vinny are ready to continue on their Nu Soul crusade.

Their new single ‘Broke Up The Family’ is a catchy charismatic charged up pop track with classic guitar driven riffs. Slices of rhythm and blues cut throughout the track, and, with the raw tasty vocals of front man Rick Nunn, a cracking bass line, driving drums and raw guitars, it brings together a kaleidoscope of influences that punch throughout this storming second single, creating a genuine foot-stomping floor filler.

Vinny Vinny have a special energy and passion, which oozes from them and their genuine madness about music and what they do. They don’t stand still – and neither will you!

Watch out for their electric shows to support Broke Up The Family. You’d be silly to miss such an astonishing band.

Major Label Press Release Writing:New Lows Reached

Oh Jesus. Oh Jesus. Oh Jesus. I've attached the whole thing here - so click away and enjoy yourself. Now, I know that selling Sandi Thom to people after the whole gig in the flat horseshit is going to be difficult, but, really, is this the best you can do? When you had to write the phrase "Sandi’s growth as a singer and as a young woman with tracks tackling deep subjects such as global warming and the corporate career path" didn't you just want to coolly turn your machine off, tip all the unloved promo CDs into the bin and hand in your notice? Is it worth the psychic pain? And then there's the "jovial subjects like partying too hard". Oh dear. The first single is, we're promised, "Sandi Thom at her best", which, I suppose, is as close to saying, "KT Tunstall at her unimaginable worst" as is allowed. "It is a track so catchy it's hard not to hum along." Yes. I'm sure. Anyway, I don't want to strip mine all the pleasure from this. Dive in and let me know your favourite bit (but I'm having, "the song is full of melodic keys", so hands off).

My New Becks Mate

A kindly reader has just sent me this. Press releases as badly-written, as patronising, as weak-minded and as coma-inducing as this make me want to lie down in the road and die. In what universe is this an acceptable piece to send out? There's a mistake ("He may have moved halfway across the world to Los Angeles and employs [you mean "employ", right?] a legion of bodyguards") in the first line. The thing I can never really get over is that someone is getting paid to pump out this crap. The kindly reader has it thus:

Literally fuck.off. Who did they ask to take part? The ingredients of Cunt Soup?

Begin forwarded message:

From: donald.parish@shinecom.com
Date: 27 March 2008 12:15:20 GMT
To:
Subject: A BEER WITH BECKS?  SOCCER STAR IS BRITISH MALES TOP CHOICE FOR NEW BEST MATE

News Release
27 March 2008

 
A BEER WITH BECKS?  SOCCER STAR IS BRITISH MALES TOP CHOICE FOR NEW BEST MATE
 
He may have moved halfway across the world to Los Angeles and employs a legion of bodyguards, but David Beckham is the man most British would choose as their best mate, according to a poll carried out to celebrate the BLAHBLAHBLAHBLAH

 
The poll, carried out on BLAHBLAHBLAH asked men which celeb they would most like to befriend and saw ex-England captain Beckham come top of the list with a whopping 27% of the vote. Radio DJ Johnny Vaughan came in a close second with a respectable 22%, trailed closely by rival breakfast show host Chris Moyles with OH JESUS - WE ARE SURROUNDED BY SLACK-JAWED IDIOTS
 
Ant and Dec also made it into the top ten celebs Brit blokes would like to be mates with, but surprisingly they PLEASE MAKE THIS CRAP END

Call The Desperation Police

This is so tragic I almost didn't want to post it. I actually feel a twinge of sympathy every time I look at it, but it's my calling to get this stuff out there, so post it I must. Let's look at the facts: Ben's Brother are not only the worst band in the world, but they have the single worst name in the world to boot (although Big Linda give them some decent competition). But the vague lameness of this (what radio station? when? what did he say? in what context?) just makes me want to have a lie down and a cry. And (1): "Ben's Brother have broken in the States off the back of a Dentyne Ice Chewing Gum Commercial" makes no sense. Bands "break" America. Not, "break in" America (and being in a commercial isn't "breaking" anything, other than anyone with a brain's heart). And (2), to be honest, "Hey Guys" is guranteed to make anyone sensible seethe before they've even started your email.

From: Robinson, Louise [mailto:louise@mvillage.co.uk]
Sent: 26 March 2008 09:47
Subject: Ben's Brother - Backed by Ringo Starr!!

Hey guys,
Last week it was made public on a US Radio station that Ringo Starr was a big fan of the London band Ben's Brother.
An amazing endorsement, it has been getting mentions in all the papers.
The band's new single 'Stuttering Kiss Me Again' is out on BLAHBLAHBLAH, with a video made up entirely from Youtube submissions of fans miming to the song WHAT AN AMAZING IDEA!

Ben's Brother have broken in the States off the back of a Dentyne Ice Chewing Gum BLAHBLAHBLAH

Emissions Impossible

*Is speechless*

From: "Read, Adrian"
Date: 25 March 2008 12:48:31 GMT
To: "Read, Adrian"
Subject: NEWS: Guillemots deny orgasm rumour

Afternoon (serious) newshounds,

According to SILLY WEBSITE NAME DELETED , Guillemots have denied rumours that they've discovered the perfect musical note to give a woman an orgasm. Band member Aristazabal Hawkes admitted that she started the rumour, but insisted that it was merely a "joke" that got out of hand.

She told SWND: "It was in one of our first interviews and I didn't have anything to say. I thought I would be funny and it has just haunted me forever.

"It's a lesson in knowing when to keep your mouth shut. If you don't have anything to say then don't say it!"

Guillemots’ excellent second studio album, BLAHBLAHBLAH, is released by BLAHBLAHBLAHBLAH.

As ever, any links you can provide would help me out big time.

Cheers
Ad

How Will We Ever Get Over This?

A reader just fwd'd this. I think their words really sum up how we all feel at this time... As an aside, I am very upset to read that, "Ali has had not contact" with the band since their gig in Uganda. Having not contact with people sucks.

Begin forwarded message:

A sad day :(

From: republicmedia.net
Date: 19 March 2008 19:20:13 GMT
Subject: UB40 keyboard player quits band

UB40 keyboard player quits band

Michael Virtue, band member and keyboard player with UB40, has announced today that he is resigning from the band.

“I can no longer work with the management team and I am joining Ali Campbell in his investigation into the handling of the band’s business affairs. I am very upset to be leaving the band who have been like family for the last 30 years, but feel under the circumstances that this was the only option left open to me.”

I have been unhappy with the way things have been run for many years and wanted to BLAHBLAHBLAHBLAH. Ali has had not contact with the band since the last UB40 concert inUganda so I called him last week BLAHBLAHBLAHBLAH

It certainly can not be said that I am leaving to pursue a solo career and neither did Ali.

Suffice to say, I am extremely disappointed”

When Comedy Isn't Funny

I'm still trying to understand the reasoning behind this one. I see that there are two DVDs of stuff so atrocious no one's bothered to put it on sale for fourteen years, but I still can't really see the connection. Norman Wisdom has, in his time, choreographed some of the finest slapstick moments known to man. But Warren Mitchell? Has the person who wrote this ever seen Warren Mitchell, or, indeed, Till Death Us Do Part? This is the same Oxford-educated, in-the-RAF-with-Richard-Burton, RADA-trained, Laurence Olivier Award-winning Warren Mitchell, right? Only, among all the "reactionary, mean-spirited, selfish, bigoted, racist, misogynistic, and anti-Semitic" stuff, I don't remember that many pratfalls. Oh well.

One more thing, if I'm settling down in my "comfy armchair" why would I want to "knock off" my slippers - surely that's precisely when I'd want them on?

------ Forwarded Message
From: noblepr.co.uk
Date: Tue, 18 Mar 2008 16:54:22 +0000
Subject: Alf Garnett & Norman Wisdom - Now on DVD - reviews/features only


Kick back in your comfy armchair, knock off your slippers and get ready for a trip down memory lane as the legendary slapstick actors Sir Norman Wisdom and Warren Mitchell, better known as Alf Garnett bring you classic comedy in the first two releases on SonyBMG‚s new Retro TV DVD label. Both titles have not been seen since 1994 when they were released on VHS in a series called „Comedy Box‰ now revived on DVD and digitally BLAHBLAHBLAHBLAH

Released in 1994, ŒNorman Wisdom‚s Trouble on Tour‚ features Norman on stage performing the gags, songs and stunts that have made him one of Britain‚s BLAHBLAHBLAHBLAH.

Warren Mitchell appears in ŒThe Thoughts of Chairman Alf,‚ a 1994 recording of his famous stage show that later became a TV series. Mitchell stars as Alf Garnett, the UK‚s most reactionary, mean-spirited, selfish, bigoted, racist, misogynistic, and anti-Semitic man. Alf Garnett was a fictional character on the BBC television sitcom Till Death Us Do Part, the ITV sitcom Till Death... and later In Sickness and in Health. First shown in the theatre in BLAHBLAHBLAHBLAH

Both DVDs come in new eco-friendly OK I GET THE MESSAGE

Next Level "Stop Press!" Oversell Business

A total classic of the genre. A band that, literally, no one in the world cares about are going to play a gig somewhere miles away! Quick! Let everyone know!

Current Fun

What this wincingly awful press release forgets to mention is that Nickelback are the single worst band of all time, an abomination of a band, a troupe so awful, so tawdry and ungainly, so devoid of the humour, humanity and soul that go to elevate musicians from the everyday to somewhere near the divine that they make Ray Quinn look like Bob Marley. Having said that, the Roadrunner wonk gets to over use the word "current" and play with the accepted notions of where verbs and adjectives should appear in sentences, so it's not all bad...

------ Forwarded Message
From: roadrunnerrecords.co.uk
Date: Tue, 11 Mar 2008 20:34:16 +0100
Subject: NICKELBACK announce UK tour

Multi-million selling Canadians NICKELBACK are set to return to the UK for a string of arena shows this Autumn.

The band are currently riding a tsunami of radio and video play for their current single, ‘Rockstar’. The track has resided in the upper reaches of the UK singles chart since December 2007 and is taken from their latest album, ‘For All The Right Reasons’ which has also shifted a staggering 9 million copies to date globally. Both releases currently sit at No.3 in the respective UK singles and albums charts.

Incredible statistics are what NICKELBACK excel at. They connect with people on a level far beyond the ordinary and that is reflected in global album sales of around 26 million albums and BLAHBLAHBLAHBLAH. "We can’t wait to get to the UK and give our fans the BLAHBLAHBLAHBLAH!"

Be sure to catch the band at one of the BLAHBLAHBLAH!

Brilliant New Business Model Revealed

I love this one. I love the optimism and the fighting spirit and I love the idea that giving away your product to get any attention whatsoever is seen as a great victory. To summarise: The Charlatans - quite a lot of people's third favourite band 12 years ago - have reached a point in their career where they have to give away their music and, apparently, this is a really good thing! Are the gigs going to be free too?

Forwarded Message
From: coalitiongroup.co.uk
Date: Mon, 10 Mar 2008 15:19:02 +0000
Subject: The Charlatans Downloads now at over 60,000 in one week

The Charlatans
Over 60,000 Downloads in one week

The Charlatans’ new album, ‘You Cross My Path’, has been downloaded over 60,000 times since it was made available on Xfm’s website last Monday – a phenomenal number which would have seen the album enter the UK chart at number two if conventionally released [erm, except it wouldn't as then people would have had to pay for it, which might have put a good few off, surely?].

The album is currently available as a free download on www.xfm.co.uk. Says the band’s manager, Alan McGee: “I feel we are totally vindicated with the philosophy that if you go free and make a great record, you can exceed your dreams. No longer does music have to work in the traditional major label dominated way. Long live the Charlatans.”

Says the band’s vocalist Tim Burgess: “When Alan McGee and I had this idea 18 months ago, we never imagined that it could be this successful. It’s a tribute to people’s belief in us and if we were in the shops, 20 years after the Charlatans started, we would be the number two most popular group in the country this week – going free was the best thing for us. Thanks to everyone that has downloaded the record, cheers.”

"Yo yo yo homie"*shoots self*

This has just arrived. If ever I was likely to actually play a Kingsize Five record this single round-robin mailout has killed that thought stone dead. How could anyone have any interest left after ploughing through this ho-hum shrug-fest? The phrase, "Looking forward to seeing something a bit different personally" makes me want to throw myself out of a window.

------ Forwarded Message
From: impressivepr.com
Date: Thu, 6 Mar 2008 16:24:00 -0000
Subject: The smashing Kingsize Five at Water Rats next Thurs

Yo yo yo homie.

I’ve got a good ‘un coming up next week. They may not be the Foal-esque buzz band of tomorrow but they are something a bit snazzier; they’re exciting, fresh and well, pretty good. Looking forward to seeing something a bit different personally.

They’re called The Kingsize Five - you had the single a couple of weeks back. Bit of a mix of ‘50s rock ‘n’ roll, punk and blues. Their story includes BLAHBLAHBLAHBLAHBLAH. They even share BLAHBLAHBLAHBLAH! In other words, a talented little posse who’ve BLAHBLAHBLAH something feisty.

Really fun and vivacious and different – fancy checking them out with me and some bottles of beer? Be nice to see you and have a drink.

Trivia, it takes 17 mins to sing 99 bottles of beer. I did it on holiday once.

Let me know,
------ End of Forwarded Message

Gallagher And Smile

I couldn't care less about Rory Gallagher, but that's OK, it's not my job to. Unfortunately, the person hacking together the following piece of crap clearly couldn't care about Rory Gallagher, or spelling, or guitars or any of the other stuff that, just for now, is their job.

------ Forwarded Message
From: pprpublicity.com
Date: Wed, 5 Mar 2008 11:42:56 -0000
Subject: The Essential Rory Gallagher

Hello

Hope your having a good week [You hope my what is having a good week? And why no full stop?]

The Essential Rory Gallagher consists of 28 newly re-mastered tracks taken from his 21 year solo career.

There has never been a better time to bring this release out with many dedications and tributes surrounding this musical legend [Really? Where?]. The Fender 'Stratocaser' [He means the "Stratocaster", a guitar that - with a blip here and there - has been phenomenally popular since the mid 1950s] is still a great seller and Martin Guitars have made a Rory acoustic model in his honor.

Read on for more information about the tracks and their origins.

Drop me an email and let me know your interest.

Cheers

****

"Drop me an email and let me know your interest." Hahahahahahahahahahaha.

The Squared Off Root Of Unpleasantness

A reader has just forwarded me this. They write: "He wasn't even a real member of The Ramones and, even if he was why would anyone in the world want to have anything to do with his line of condoms? I literally shrieked with displeasure when this arrived in my inbox - the idea of 51 year old "Marky Ramone" talking to me about condoms is just too much to bear..."

--------Forwarded Message
From: raindance.co.uk
Date: Tue, 4 Mar 2008 13:45:26 +0000
Subject: Marky Ramone Party

Hi ***

My name is ***** and I produce London's Raindance Film Festival. Marky Ramone, who is on our advisory committee, is in town on the 12th March to DJ a fashion party at the Hilton Hotel, Park Lane from 7-10pm. He's asked me to invite some people down who may be interested in the event and what he is up to. He's releasing a new line of condoms and has all sorts of other projects you might find press worthy. He's keen for interviews etc so let me know if you'd like to meet up with him and/or attend the party and I'll see when he is available.

Cheers,

-*****-