Italic My Love Pump

I apologise for that "headline". But, at least, you can read it. Unlike the following. When the chap from Mutante PR read this back before sending it - I'm assuming he did read it back (or at least look at it) before sending it - did he not think, "You know what? I can't actually read that! I should change it before anyone thinks I sort of couldn't care less! Thank god I noticed..."

How Not To Treat The Scots

Click and enjoy. Thanks to an Official Friend Of LiS for this...

PR Howlers: A Message From The Inside

We have received a letter. Not with a snarky comment and a rubbish press release attached, although those are always welcome, but with a plea for understanding. We're all for understanding, so here it is, in full. What do you think?

Hi LiS

I've been reading Lost In Showbiz after finding the link on Holy Moly! and wanted to stand up for the poor souls that have to write some of the stuff you've posted.

There's no excuse for a lot of it, but the real problem is that PR agencies are run by psychotic nutters that insist on the poor peons they employ, who sadly are under the impression it'll be a glamourous and interesting career, writing press releases about utterly inane events and then giving them ludicrous deadlines in which to complete them.

In the trade we call these the 'tick-box' press releases, as in 'get the bloody thing done, then tick the box on the jobs-for-today list to say it's been done'. More than half the time we really don't give a toss about the crap we're being bullied into writing, which is why it's so poorly written. You'll probably notice a correlation between how interesting a press release is and how well it's written. I've done some stuff I'm quite proud of, about things which are actually interesting, and achieved pretty good coverage as a result. I've also known instinctively when I'm doing something that's just going to get binned unread, so it's not like I'm going to put the effort in.

As for the psychotic people running PR agencies, half the time they think they're geniuses but far too often come up with an utterly unusable concept or title that their poor minions have to work with. For example, last year I was working for a client that sold a range of fairly creepy small dolls. A lorry load of the dolls' houses that went with the line got stolen. So my boss wants me to write a press release about rising house prices meaning that thieves are resorting to stealing dolls' houses as they know they'll make a huge profit on them because of the state of the housing market, but to drop the brand name into it as often as possible... No, really. And then she doesn't just want me to send this out to the usual toy trade journalists, but also to the main newswires and major newsrooms. Because in their own minds they're geniuses, doing the 'that's a great idea, but how about...' just doesn't even get listened to.

I still feel the shame of that release and wish there was some kind of secret code or phrase that PR people could include that tipped the nod to journalists that they were ashamed of what they were sending, and please not to post it online with their name included, to be exposed to the widespread ridicule. Any suggestions for how to go about this? A sort of 'you might think this is a shit press release I've just sent you, but I couldn't possibly comment' type thing. But maybe involving dots at the bottom of the copy, or something.

Anyway, cheers for Lost in Showbiz, it's a good read and I hope it will help to raise standards, but don't be too hard on us poor fools at the bottom end of the business...

Literally, Who Cares? 3

The world's email systems are coming close to collapse and crap like this is why...

------ Forwarded Message
From: Anthony Chalmers
Date: Mon, 28 Apr 2008 12:14:28 +0100
Subject: Revised Line-up, May 21st God Don't Like It@Madame JoJo's - The Bishops, Congregation, Speak and The

Hi All,
Sorry to send out the Press Release again but unfortunatly we had Mississippi Witch pull out so in their place we have the fantastic band that are The Bishops! Hope you can check out the PR and let me know if you want to do any reviews, features etc.
Cheers,
Anthony Chalmers
07828 ******

------ End of Forwarded Message

Hire Then The Sun

First of all, if you're going to offer INTERVIEW OPPORTUNITY, wouldn't it be good to be able to spell OPPORTUNITY, not OPPORTUNTIY? Now, I've been on holiday a lot. I've hired cars a lot. I have never, not ever, not even once in some fly-blown hell-pit a million miles from my own home been "driven to distraction by car hire". I'll tell you what happened. I walked in. Showed my driving license and my order form. Swiped my card and got the keys. Within ten minutes I was filling the boot with alcohol and pork products. Every single time. Or, as a reader has it:

This must be Irrelevant Press Release day... Who writes this rubbish?
From: Rebecca Leach [mailto:rebecca.leach@which.co.uk]
Sent: 25 April 2008 15:15
Subject: ISDN Opportunity - Holidaymakers driven to distraction by car hire

INTERVIEW OPPORTUNTIY - WHICH? HOLIDAY SPOKESPERSON AVAILIBLE

Strictly embargoed until 00.01hrs Tuesday 29 April 2008
Rebecca Leach 0207 770 7561 / rebecca.leach@which.co.uk

Hiring a car abroad can be a minefield, with holidaymakers sometimes spending hundreds of pounds more than they anticipated, says a new report from Which? Holiday. Although most car hire fees include some type of insurance, holidaymakers may not be aware that in most cases there is a large excess, sometimes over £1,000.* A damage waiver, MY EYES ARE CLOSING WITH BOREDOM ALREADY

Exclusions on car hire policies can catch people out too; windscreen, wheels, tyres, roof and undercarriage are not covered. Some firms also add PLEASE, NO MORE!

People who book online or by phone before they arrive at their destination don’t always get the size or type of car they expect, and are then charged extra to upgrade to a more suitable model. Which? Holiday also found that holidaymakers can end up paying well over the odds for fuel, or paying for fuel that they do not use.

1. To help holidaymakers, Which? Holiday gives the following tips for avoiding a car hire nightmare:
2. Read your documents – SHOULDN'T THIS BE ONE? ENOUGH!

What An Absolute Hunt

Remember when Life On Mars was good? Remember when you thought that Gene Hunt was the greatest character that had been on TV for years? Well, as of right now, you can click on the image, chuck those memories down the toilet and urinate on them at your leisure! Or, as a reader has it:

------ Forwarded Message
What exactly does a shark being jumped sound like?


From: Doug Wright
Date: Fri, 25 Apr 2008 11:16:38 +0100
To: Doug Wright
Subject: PHILIP GLENISTER (DCI GENE HUNT) TO HOST GENESIS 'WHEN IN ROME 2007' DVD PREMIERE - 20 MAY KENSINGTON ODEON

Booty Beauty

When I read a press release like the following the phrase that rings like the bells of St Paul's around my head is lickspittle. PR is, in essence, paid-for toadying, that's fine, but when it's taken to these sort of extremes (nobody in the world - and that includes the wonk who cranked this crap out - has heard of DJ Paleface) it all starts to feel a bit grubby. No one, not even Booty Luv, deserve to have people firing this sort of nonsense off to unsuspecting members of the "press". Or, as a reader has it:

Yo Lis,

How about this? Most curious aspect: does anyone really “celebrate their first year with a management company”?

Also – to be honest - who are Booty Luv?

------ Forwarded Message
From: Emily - GW Communications [mailto:emily@gwcommunications.co.uk]
Sent: 22 April 2008 14:23
Subject: Booty Luv Double Celebration

We have a great news piece for you! The princesses of the dancefloor turn up the heat once again on their UK tour…

Booty Luv have just received their silver plaques for the huge success of their debut album ‘Boogie2Nite.’ The girls, who are overjoyed at their success, are also celebrating their first year with management company- Charles Gordon Entertainment Management. It has been a hugely successful year for them all- with four Top Ten hits and now their silver selling album- having sold over 60,000 copies.

The management label (Charles Gordon Entertainment Management) strives to successfully promote and launch urban music acts, and has only been running a short while- yet has already come so far. With acts including Smash Hit duo Booty Luv, Big Brovaz, DJ Paleface and more- certainly this is the label to contact if you are an urban artist seeking success. Set up as a boutique style agency Charles Gordon Entertainment Management is always on the look-out for hot new talent, offering a fully integrated service to its artists, focusing on providing an ethos of nurture and quality.

We would love for you to run this as a news piece or snippet, or a feature article on your website. Also, if you would like an interview with the Booty Luv girls or their manager Charles Gordon let me know and this can be arranged.
If you need any more information please do not hesitate to contact me.

All the best
Emily x

Bags Of Shit: Now Just £4.95

How much must you hate children to come up with something as foul and unpleasant as this? Or, as a reader has it...

They are desperate and they are sick...

-----Original Message-----
From: mailto:releasewire@dwpub.com
Sent: 22 April 2008 14:13
Subject: BUMBLEBAGS LAUNCHES WITH POO FILLED CHILDREN'S PARTY BAGS

BUMBLEBAGS BREAKS NEW GROUND AS IT LAUNCHES RANGE OF PARTY BAGS THE LIKE OF WHICH HAS NEVER BEEN SEEN BEFORE: think dino poo and fairy dust!!

bumblebags today launches a groundbreaking range of filled party bags the like of which has never been seen before. Out of the window go the disposable plastic 'tat'- and even the rather in vogue wooden yo-yos. At bumblebags you get dinosaur poo and fairy dust!

Launching with a range of classically-themed filled party bags- dinosaur, pirate, knight, fairy princess, mermaid, ballerina etc - the company has used every opportunity to ensure their bags are fun, pink and fluffy, as blue as blue can be, but also, wherever possible, educational.

This has meant sourcing and creating products never before seen in children's party bags Dinosaur bags, for example, can include genuine 70 million years old fossilised dinosaur egg shell.... or even dinosaur poo (yep dino poo!). These products have been sourced by bumblebags and then packaged to appeal to children - rather than boring, the accompanying information cards are fascinating. In fact they almost guarantee that the child will want to learn more on the subject.

Do they come cheap? They are in fact extroadinary value for money with prices starting from £4.95 - a small price to pay for the fantastic products and of course the fact that all the hard work is done for you.

Sarah Tranter, bumblebags

Turning "Rebellion" Into Brand Values

If you have any lingering doubts as to why the music business has screwed itself into the ground, then click on the following and take a few minutes to read this classic of from beginning to end. Then we can talk about the following:

1. Exactly how much "rock and roll excess" can there be on a tour where almost everyone's in recovery and the whole thing's sponsored by JVC Mobile Audio.
2. Which one of us is least interested in buying a single featuring not only Mötley Crüe, but Buckcherry, Papa Roach, Sixx: AM and Trapt.
3. Being haunted - in a bad, Yorkshire Ripper sort of way - by the phrase, "a trail of panties coast to coast..."

Bands You Honestly Didn't Realise Had Gone "Global" 1: Shitdisco

This has just arrived. I remember half liking a Shitdisco track about 18 months ago when I had briefly lost my Klaxons album behind the coffee machine. Then I found it and, from that day to this, never thought about them again. I am, therefore, thrilled to read that they have "established themselves worldwide" and are attracting an entire new legion of fans, to whit, the "hard-core party elite". Oh them, yeah, great news. They buy loads of records. "It’s an incredibly busy and exciting time for Shitdisco," yes, of course it is. Or, as a reader put it...

Begin forwarded message:

BRILLIANT NEWS!!!!


From: pr@f-10.co.uk
Date: 22 April 2008 01:57:41 BST
Subject: SHITDISCO rise from band to DJ's

Hi,
As you may already know Shitdisco as a band have already established themselves worldwide. Now their yearn to push themselves to the next level has resulted in them DJing at some of the world’s most legendary clubs and festivals attracting a whole new style of fans; the hard-core party elite.

Having barely recovered from their Tour in Germany with MSTRKRFT and Punks Jump Up, Shitdisco have returned to the UK to embark on a nationwide DJ tour starting with a secret Skins party in Nottingham. During all of this the band are also due to head out to the US for a month long live tour and new material for their upcoming album is also well under way.

It’s an incredibly busy and exciting time for Shitdisco, so we was wondering whether you would like to interview the band or mention them in a news item detailing their rise from band to DJ’s.

I look forward to hearing from you,

Kind Regards

The Name Of This Band Is...

... Actually, can I get back to you on that? I'm all for enthusiasm, but if you're going to claim that a band is an "old favourite" of yours, then wouldn't it be a good idea to learn how to spell their name properly?

Bestival People: Read And Learn

THIS is how you do a festival.

Step 1: Book a load of crappy bands.
Step 2: Put them on somewhere lame.
Step 3: Misspell the surname of one of the headliners on the press release.
Step 4: Try to suggest that the prospect of watching Freakpower - Freakpower! - trot through the hit while stood on a damp suburban brownfield site might help to lift the gloom you feel on a "murky grey day such as this". To be honest, this hasn't cheered me up at all...

Sex And The City Tat Available Now!

Are you really trying to tell me that bloody Sex And The City film isn't out yet? Gormless women's mags have been re-writing lick-spittle press releases as "news items" on it for what seems like about one hundred years. Can there be any more ugly outfits we've not seen ol' horseface in already? Anyway, this just in from a reader. A male reader. A male reader who's not completely sold on the idea of a "Carrie" pendant. Still, whack him the email anyway, right? Doesn't cost anything, does it?

Asset Management

There are moments in life where you do have to wonder if, perhaps, the game is up and we need to just hand in our membership cards and admit defeat. Perhaps there are too many of us. Perhaps the world is tired out and in need of a total, to-the-corners spring clean. It is mornings like this morning, when eye-scraping tat like the following pops into my inbox that I just want the whole game to end. Jodie Marsh might not actually be as vile as she seems, but, then again, she might be. Hiring someone to flag up to a defiantly uninterested world that you're ready to do interviews about your new plastic surgery doesn't, to my eyes, suggest that La Marsh is in full control of her faculties. Precisely how damaged and needy and unhappy and clingy and weak and desperate and wretched and morally bankrupt and spiritually poverty-stricken would you need to be to do as JM has done? I'd love to know...

Delusional Behaviour

I love this one. In what bizarre and terrible universe does something called April Smoosh playing a gig at a small basement venue on a Tuesday, or some other also-ran playing a bar round the back of King's Cross become "essential viewing"?

------ Forwarded Message
From: stoneimmaculate.co.uk
Date: Mon, 14 Apr 2008 14:03:16 +0100
Subject: stone immaculate gigs this week....A QUICK REMINDER ABOUT SOME ESSENTIAL VIEWING THIS WEEK!
Tomorrow, TUESDAY 15TH APRIL SMOOSH at The Borderline, W1
then WEDNESDAY 16TH APRIL, MORTON VALENCE at The Big Chill House, N1
and most excitingly.....also on WEDNESDAY 16th
legendary 60s guitarist PETER WALKER at Cafe Oto, E8
We will be working with Peter on new material and a BLAHBLAHBLAHBLAH

It's Not Total Rubbish - It's An "Iconic Pop Masterpiece"

Speaking from the heart, I am so bored already of the "Rickrolling" phenomenon that just one single mention of the "idea" makes hot tears jump from my red-rimmed eyes. However, over at Violentviolet they're all over it like a particularly virulent rash. This truly is an object lesson in inanity from the opening sentence. "On Friday 11th April, at precisely 6pm London got Rickrolled!" - oh please - to the howling terror of the band's quote about how SAWs' woundingly heartless slice of cookie-cutter idiot-pop represents "everything we love". Christ, really? The Rickrollerz are, clearly, incredibly easily pleased. Unlike me. "Rickrolling continues to explode organically across the globe without any clever PR whatsoever". Well, I'll give you that one.

------ Forwarded Message
From: violentviolet.org
Date: Sun, 13 Apr 2008 22:41:53 +0100
Subject: Rickrolling inspires 'Never Gonna Give You Up' rerelease'RICKROLLING' INSPIRES RE-RELEASE OF RICK ASTLEY CLASSIC

EX-PETE WATERMAN HIT FACTORY REWORKS 'NEVER GONNA GIVE YOU UP' FOR 2008

Monday 14th April - On Friday 11th April, at precisely 6pm London got Rickrolled! The whole of Liverpool Street station turned into the site for the world's first ever Rickmob - a Rick Astley inspired flashmob. Earlier in the day - excited about the event - the aptly named Rickrollerz recorded a new remix of Astley's 80s classic "Never Gonna Give You Up" in the very same studio where the original was produced 20 years earlier!

Well over 20 million have fallen victim to the internet gag where an interesting link redirects you to the Rick Astley 'Never Gonna Give You Up' hit video. 13 million have viewed the iconic pop masterpiece on YouTube in the last 7 days alone. Meanwhile chief executives of major record labels are looking on in awe and wonder as rickrolling continues to explode organically across the globe without any clever PR whatsoever.

As a tribute to the great man, a group of the UK’s top Dance producers, calling themselves ‘The RickRollerz’  have reworked the 80’s hit for the naughties. “It’s not what we would normally do” explains one “ I just kept getting Rickrolled by mates and I realised that ‘Never Gonna Give you up’ is a great pop record. When it comes down to it club music is about having a fun night out. So many people are having so much fun with this record that we realised it would be a crime not to mash it up and have some fun with it ourselves, especially when we heard about the Rick Mob, which sounds hilarious”.

The Rickmob was a spontaneous gathering where hundreds of people dressed as Rick Astley met on Friday 11th April in Liverpool Street Station for a short rendition of the 80’s superhit and then quickly dispersed. Needless to say the RickRollerz attended. “We booked hairdresser appointments and planned on some charity shop rummaging, to get the perfect ‘Rick Look’. The great thing about the whole Rick thing,” he continues,  “is that it is a celebration of all things 80’s, it defines everything we love and is massive amounts of fun at the same time” KILL ME NOW, PLEASE

Hear the 2008 version of Never Gonna Give You Up' and BLAHBLAHBLAHBLAH

Bad PR: Corporate Edition

You see, it's not just poorly executed press releases from the world of hopeless pop makeweights, oh no. We can do big business too. This little slice of blue-sky heaven has arrived from a reader sat in a tall glass building with proper lifts and sullen, nose-picking security guards. Frankly, I don't like the idea of touching anyone's "business", but that might just be me.

Hi LiS
The following is an extract from a recent memo. It's a load of old wank, i hope you agree...


In effect, our “proposition” is the who, what & why of our business.

- who we are

- what we do

- why we do it

- It is the articulation and physical representation of our business as viewed by our customers. Each time a customer touches our business they “experience” (insert company name here). That experience must be favourable and “add value” to their own business proposition or personal experience. It is therefore vital that we get this right at every touch point to differentiate our business from our competitors.

It's Relax-With-A-Classic O'Clock

A kind reader sent me this classic of the genre. A friend of mine used to work in music PR and she tells me she had to bang out horseshit like this every single day. There's nothing remotely wrong with it and, yet, it's so wrong it hurts. "Twirling from the roof is a Technicolour mobile of the life-death cycle crafted from yarn...", "like too much cough syrup on a stomach full of hi-quality sushi..." and so it goes on. I have read a MILLION press releases like this, all of them banging on (and on) about Korean pop and Fela Kuti and Guided By Voices and Star Wars as if just mentioning those people will somehow make what is a fairly ordinary record seem wildly interesting. Note to PRs: it's REALLY, REALLY easy to make an eclectic sounding, "boogie-down production slop-pop" record. In fact, it's a piece of piss. It's writing memorable songs that people want to buy with ACTUAL MONEY that's hard.

"Fashionable Followers" Alert

This just in from a reader concerned about the hitherto unreached level of awful crapness attained by Pressroom PR in their round-robin ridiculousness concerning Mulberry and Maya and all the rest of it... Let's gather up a few gems: "nightlife boite", "delectable cocktails are mixed in the most bespoke and novel way", "Peaches Geldoff" - who?, "Kelly Osborn" - who? "Julian Bennett (Queer eye for a straight guy - about to release his first single)". Who's giving these people work? Why?

"the innovative concept of Mixologists At The Table" AND "Natasha Corrett (Sienna Miller's little sis)" - Jesus H Christ - where's anthrax when you fucking need it?

Begin forwarded message:
From: Pressroom PR
Date: 28 March 2008 00:27:36 GMT
Subject: Post event release: Mulberry and MATT at MAYA
AN EVENING WITH MATT IN ASSOCIATION WITH MULBERRY AT MAYA LONDON

WHAT
Launch of MATT - Mixologists At The Table. Together with MATT, nightlife boite MAYA is taking V-VIP clubbing to highest of the hedonistic highs. delectable (SIC) cocktails are mixed in the most bespoke and novel way. the club’s glamorous waitresses and mixologists expertly mixed champagne cocktails with luscious aromatics and mixers - any way you like it. THIS WON'T DO AT ALL

GUESTS
Mulberry's fashionable followers, Maya's plutocrats, Peaches Geldoff (Pixie stayed in as it was a school night) Arthur Baker (Madonna's producer), Julian Bennett (Queer eye for a straight guy - about to release his first single), Jamie T, Les Blondes Vagues (otherwise fondly known as Vogue magazine's DJ dream team), Natasha Corrett (Sienna Miller's little sis)

DRINKS
MATT – the innovative concept of Mixologists At The Table, sponsored by Grey Goose, Moet & Chandon

MUSIC
Les Blondes Vagues (also known as the fashion eds from Vogue). Also scheduled to play at Glastonbury

Resident DJ Flip
SCOOP
Madonna's producer came to hear Les Blondes Vagues, apparently the singer is looking for a warm-up act for her next tour. MATT made a great impression on Mulberry's fashionistas who all left the club very, very merry :)

MAYA London
MAYA launched in September 2007 during London Fashion Week and quickly made a name for itself as a new playground for the who's who of the fashion industry. After its launch with Sienna Miller and music label of the moment Kitsune, MAYA had the honor to host several great events with Kelly Osborn, Juliette & the Licks and Johnny Borrell, and more recently they hosted the British Fashion Awards BLAHBLAHBLAH

An Object Lesson In Hard News

This is how you do it, people. I can't imagine there was a newsdesk in the country that didn't explode with pleasure when this email arrived. "At last," they must have thought, "some real news stories - X2! - concerning bands that real people actually care about!" Anyway, a band called Ejectorseat had a car crash. It's a shame they didn't have an ejector seat HAHAHAHAHAHA. A man who smokes got told off by a company who make cigarettes HAHAHAHAHAHA.

Amazing.

------ Forwarded Message
From: lokipr.com
Date: Fri, 28 Mar 2008 11:08:00 +0000
To: mailout@lokipr.com
Subject: NEWS STORIES - BAND IN CAR CRASH, AND CAMEL CIGARETTES LEGAL BATTLE WITH BAND

NEWS STORIES X2 - PLEASE ADD TO YOUR WEBSITES IF POSSIBLE, OR LET ME KNOW IF YOU'D LIKE TO PRINT THE STORIES.

Please reply and let me know if you will be running them. Many thanks Kelly x

Ejectorseat – CAR CRASH

Last night the band Ejectorseat were in a nasty motorway crash which resulted in their van being written off. They were coming back from a sold out Southampton gig. They escaped bruised and battered – luckily but had to cancel last night's London show, and tonight in Brighton.

The band that Taste Media BLAHBLAHBLAH Animal Farm Producers.

South – CAMEL REFUSE TO PAY THEM THE THOUSANDS THEY OWE FOR GIG

I can now reveal REVEAL! REVEAL! that legendary LEGENDARY! band South, who have made they're money and fame in the USA despite being British BLAHBLAHBLAH £10,000.

However after seeing a female audience member at the gig with a Camel tattoo branded on her arm, Joel BLAHBLAHBLAH legal battle.

The irony is that Joel, actually smokes. AMAZING IRONY, THANKS! He BLAHBLAHBLAH battle continues….

Dumb Love

This just in from a reader in the East Midlands. I think, over the course of a few hundred words, the people at urbandfoxes really nail the awfulness of a bad press release. Are you particularly attracted to "treetop boulevard markets", "morning yoga" or the whole, "supping on real ale and organic cider" vibe? What are "main-line reggae artists"? What does "pushing the theme for Peace and Acceptance" mean? Can anyone actually read that first paragraph and make sense of it? Couldn't you have just read it back once? Is that too much to ask? And I really wish PRs would quit with this whole "Hi guys" crap. We're not all in this together, you're trying to flog me something. Just be honest about it.

----forwarded message

Dear LiS
Oddly, I was just flicking through my lunar chart wondering when the best time would be to feel some love.

From: urbanfoxes.co.uk
Date: 4 April 2008 15:45:12 BST
Subject: WEBSITE CONTACT

Hi Guys,
Please find press release for One Love Festival,

30th Anniversary of Bob Marley 1978 One Love concert, A full moon solar eclipse weekend during the Perseid meteor shower.

Bob Marley and The Wailers performed at the One Love Peace concert in Kingston's National Arena with other main-line reggae artists of the day, in an attempt to link Jamaica's feuding political parties; Against all the odds, Marley symbolically joined the hands of bitter rivals Michael Manley and Edward Seaga on stage and unite them in handshake accompanied by a flash of lighting and clap of thunder from the heavens , following the concert, the opposing factions, having seen that their leaders weren't hell bent on killing each other, cooled down the conflict.

In this 30th anniversary, We hope to highlight a landmark occasion and legendary artist while pushing the theme for Peace and Acceptance! Mixing Reggae with Chill Out and Deep Electronic Music!

One Love is a festival like no BLAHBLAHBLAH. Other enticing treats include the treetop boulevard market, healing area, belly dancing, morning yoga classes, interactive art trail, Maypole dancers and chill-out areas, Ethiopian coffee chill out area, as well as a mysterious, hidden sound systems dotted amongst the woodland. Food connoisseurs will sample delicacies from around the globe, while supping on real ale and organic cider, from one of the BLAHBLAHBLAH.

If that’s not enough, the setting for this festival was once home to a BLAHBLAHBLAH famous Perseid meteor shower* takes place, offering an extravaganza of activity, the likes of BLAHBLAHBLAH a special offering of Bob Marley images which will be projected onto the Observatory building, offering visitors something BLAHBLAHBLAHBLAHBLAH

Here's A Good Idea...

If ever the UK needed a "piano-led guitar rock band" it's now. Jesus, it's now, isn't it? Can't you just feel it in the air? The kids are crying out for some ivory ticklage and some stringular strokings. After all, it's been years since we all fell in love with Toploader, right?

On a more prosaic level, wouldn't it have been worth this person having run even the most basic check to see if, y'know, "music" was this person's "thing"? Have they heard of Google? It's quite good, you know. Better than "piano-led guitar rock", anyway.

-------forwarded message:
From: bpf.org.uk
Subject: Lights 3EP

Hi

Not sure if music is your thing and if it's not, my apologies for having made you press delete. But if it is, read on.
Lights are the UK's first piano-led guitar rock band. Listen at: BLAHBLAHBLAH
They play a big London show this Friday - please pass this to your friends. They'll thank you for it, honest! YES, I'M SURE THEY WILL. The band are currently BLAHBLAHBLAHBLAH...

Banged Up The Slammer

Some people's minds just never stop working. This chap from Custodial Review is floating the idea that, as the global credit crunch bites deeper, the already bloated prison population will only get bigger. So get your products in there now and watch those pound notes just pile up...

CUSTODIAL REVIEW
"I read it for the explosive articles about IFSEC and catering"
Mrs Trellis, North Wales

------forwarded message
From: EDITORIAL [mailto:response@pirnet.co.uk]
Sent: 03 April 2008 16:16
Subject: CUSTODIAL REVIEW LATEST FEATURES

With the only growth sector in the UK likely to be the prison population don't miss this opportunity to increase your market share in a sector that has guarantees about being paid! As all the areas targeted by our magazine are government funded its sensible to do business with growth markets unaffected by the financial turmoil sweeping the world!

With more accommodation being built and prisons in the development stages, it is now when people need to see your products and services and can get them involved in this multi billion pound industry.

We are the ONLY magazine dedicated to this sector and we have updated the distribution database to include all new governors plus the latest requests and subscriptions. Our specifically targeted distribution works, ask any of our advertisers.
As ever the magazine is full of topical articles and high profile interviews on subjects as diverse as IFSEC, prison building, the effectiveness of drug policy. (a very explosive subject) and catering. You can view all the articles here.

Yours sincerely,

blahblahblah

Bad PR: Art House Edition

This just in from a reader in The North. This is so student-y, so pleased with its own sense of artfulness, so utterly, crushingly Rik-From-The-Young-Ones awful that it makes me want to don a Maggie Thatcher mask and start shutting down crappy polytechnics left, right and centre. By the way, if there's anyone out there who fancies a bit of an "exercise in exorcism", where "painful, introverted intimacy" meets "gentle pianos flayed by overdriven bass" then, please, get yourself some serious professional help. You'll thank me for it.

Polymath Live @ Monto Water Rats

Music/Arts - Performance

Welcome to Polymath - an open source musical experiment. The story begins here. Where it ends is up to you.

The brainchild of Tom Walsh and Amy Nicholson, Polymath absorb our environment and reuse it to create new, unique and interesting music.

Lyrics are torn from magazines, fresh and topical but timeless, provocative and personalised - an exercise in exorcism, flitting between painful, introverted intimacy and shameless decadence. Musically, Polymath fuse the organic and mechanic - the result is a brooding, twisted mix of soaring cellos, rumbling synths and irresistible melodies. Spontaneously clashing cultures, in one moment, gentle pianos are flayed by overdriven bass as voices whisper murder - in another, scattered guitars splice driving drums and searing vocals.

But that is just the start - now Polymath needs input. Artwork, animation, video, direction, poetry, dance - ideas.
The artistic direction of Polymath is in your hands - get involved.

Send us lyrics, send us artwork, send us photography, video or chord progressions. Whatever your creative outlet - words, images, movement or sounds - we want you to feed off us, and we will feed off you. Mutual creative vampirism, if you will.

Get in touch, get involved - help shape the story, evolve with us. Enter stage right. Do not wait for the epilogue.

World's New Worst PR Email

This just in from a kind reader. Sometimes you just have to sit back and let yourself be amazed by a press release, really let it soak in (as it were).

Hi there, LiS,

This is the worst press releases I've received in a long time. It's for an album by a band called Driveby Argument, and starts thus: "This album will make you shit your pants!" (like that's a recommendation??) before getting even better over the course of two whole pages. I've typed out the first and last paragraphs, copying spelling and punctuation exactly, and added a few notes of my own (in caps). The PR company is The Incubator. Enjoy!



This Album Will Make You Shit Your Pants!

…And If It Doesn’t Here’s a Laxative

Scotland’s very own genre bashing powerhouse Drive-By Argument are finally set to release their self-titled, debut album on 12 May, following a mammoth “highlands and Ireland” tour schedule. The album crowbars together influences ranging from The Cure to Squarepusher combusting into 10 tracks of glittering, electronic disco rock, or as the band once put it themselves “four to the floor unhappy hardcore”. Such is there [sic] musical alchemy of slicing together the best bits of acts like (Death Cab For Cutie cult side project) The Postal Service, with the most angular moments of one time Brit antagonisers The Cooper Temple Clause that DBA have never, perhaps thankfully, been lumped into a “scene” or jumped on any wagons of any description.

[IT THEN BANGS ON LIKE THAT FOR SEVERAL HUNDRED WORDS BEFORE FINALLY ENDING WITH THIS CONVOLUTED, MIS-PUNCTUATED PARAGRAPH]

DBA are now a firm fixture within a number of bands making up Glasgow’s (and indeed Scotland’s) vibrant but sometimes overlooked music scene, however alongside bands like GlasVegas, Make Model, My Latest Novel and The Royal We the sound coming down from up north won’t be ignored much longer. In 2008 DBA strap on the guitars and boot up the synths ready to whip up mosh pits and dance floors alike nationwide, having given a taster of what’s to come with a Kerrang! Radio-sponsored night in Birmingham on 4 Feb 2008 they head out on their first headline UK tour later in 2008.

(NOTE THAT NOWHERE DOES IT EXPLAIN WHY THE ALBUM WILL MAKE YOU “SHIT YOUR PANTS” OR, INDEED, WHY “SHITTING YOUR PANTS” WOULD BE AN APPROPRIATE REACTION. SO IT’S NOT JUST GUILTY OF VULGARITY AND COARSENESS, BUT ALSO OF FAILING TO ACTUALLY JUSTIFY THE HEADLINE! JUST APPALLING.]

Hot Metal

"Ironing's Just Become Fashionable!" Oh dear... Hang your head in shame...

Begin forwarded message:

From: Jonathan Chubb@mslpr.co.uk
Date: 5 March 2008 16:39:50 GMT

"A New Breed Of Male": LiS Corporate Edition

A reader sent this email a colleague of his received - I applaud them both for it. I have seen some utter and complete rubbish in my time, but this is startling in its awfulness. What Weber Shandwick - and Microsoft - seem to have forgotten here is that MEN DON'T BEHAVE LIKE WOMEN. They don't want to be "permanently connected to their mates". In fact, the very idea is so unappealing to men have almost thought that not one single person involved in the whole "Mimbo" farrago had considered that mouth-breathing dorks in the pub had - and will never have - any interest whatsoever in behaving like a new and crushingly awful cast-member of Sex & The City. "We see him as a modern male, laid-back, lots of friends, successful, lives life effortlessly". Oh really? You don't see him as a complete tool then? Only, this makes him sound like one.

-----forwarded message
FROM: Fisher, Kate (LDN-WSW)
To:
Subject: Mimbo

Hello ***,

We are currently working with Microsoft on a campaign for Windows Mobile – specifically exploring the habits of young professional males and their new social habits as a result of technologic communication.

In the campaign we refer to a new male typo called the “mIMbo”. In essence the ‘mIMbo’ is a new typographic of male, the Mobile IM Boy. We see him as a modern male, laid-back, lots of friends, successful, lives life effortlessly and all thanks to being permanently connected to mates via mobile IM.

We are funding research into this typology but I thought BLAH especially might be interested in becoming involved in profiling this new type of male THERE'S NO SUCH THING! To give you a better idea of how we see the Mimbo, here are some further points:

Compared to women staying in touch with their friends the Mimbo is more streamlined. Women talk endlessly on the phone, whereas Mimbos IM each other occasionally. Women take days to arrange where and when they are going to meet – Mimbos ‘approximeet’ (i.e. let’s meet up in town tonight, assumption being they’ll find out exactly where and when via mobile IM when they get close).

Mimbos are practical, save hours of time a week and have a better quality of life. (Or are they just deeply shallow and dysfunctional?)

THE LATTER, THANKS


Cheers

Kate Fisher
Senior Account Executive
Weber Shandwick