Does She Mean Revered?

Is it TOO MUCH TO ASK to just get the band's name right in the first pigging line of the press release?

Black Country Mocked

I am passing you straight over to a senior LiS reporter at the scene of a horrendous PR pile-up:

This is just staggeringly bad, poorly thought-through, stupid and otherwise utter, slavishly Nathan Barley-esque codswallop.

1. It's not news. News is about events, not perceptions.
2. If "local pride sees each region voting its own accent as the coolest", logic therefore suggests that almost no-one in the West Midlands voted in this lamentable "poll"
3. More respondants ticked "other/don't know" than ticked "Queen's English". Surely that only proves that no-one knows what the coolest accent is.
4. There is absolutely no doubt that residents of the West Midlands are mortally wounded by this "kick in the teeth" administered by a bunch of fixed-gear-riding durr-brains based off Redchurch Street in Shoreditch.
5. There is absolutely zero value in proving that something is not in vogue. Hailstorms, Burger King, tapestry, nitrogen dioxide and Pitt The younger are not in vogue either. This is not news, or even remotely interesting.

Memo to IDG - please stop "generating" "ideas" such as this and go work in the fields instead. You would be of far more use there, if only as fertiliser.


------
FORWARDED MESSAGE
From: "Anna Hartley" [annah@ideageneration.co.uk]
Date: 24 September 2008 09:16:24 BDT
Subject: Brummy is the least cool accent - CoolBrands 2008 proves West Midland twang is not in vogue

**Full CoolBrands list will be announced September 29th**

- CoolBrands 2008 survey reveals Brummy accent is considered least cool
- “Howay the lads” as Geordie accent is voted most cool regional English accent
- And local pride sees each region voting its own accent as the coolest

The Brummy accent has been voted the least cool accent by a CoolBrands poll of more than 2,000 members of the British public – a ‘kick in the teeth’ for the people of the West Midlands. This latest survey is the first comprehensive look into what accents people see as cool – and just 2% of respondents in the study thought Brummy was the coolest accent.

The Queen’s English (received pronunciation) was named as the top accent, with 20% of respondents tipping the classic, traditional and upper-class accent as the coolest – showing that having no strong regional accent is the coolest way to speak.

The Scottish accent was named as the UK’s second coolest accent with 12% naming it as the coolest and it’s great news for the Geordie nation because the North East’s distinctive accent was named as England’s coolest.

Cool Accents 2008 / 09

· Queen’s English, 20%

· Scottish, 12%

· Geordie, 9%

· Yorkshire, 7%

· Cockney, 7%

· Northern Irish, 6%

· Welsh, 5%

· Scouse, 4%

· Mancunian, 4%

· West Country, 3%

· Brummy, 2%

· Other/Don’t Know, 21%

FOR FURTHER DETAILS PLEASE SEE THE ATTACHED PRESS RELEASE
Contacts

Anna Hartley: annah@ideageneration.co.uk
Daniel Lipman: daniel.lipman@ideageneration.co.uk

What's The Film Called Again?

Is expecting the person you've employed to promote your multi-million dollar movie to get the name of said hack-fest right too much to ask? Well, in this case, clearly yes. Thanks to a reader in a large city in Central England for this...
(EDITED: Thanks Lew)

--Forwarded Message
From: Margaret Murray [Margaret@fmguk.com]
Date: 22 September 2008
Subject: FILM PRODUCER AVAILABLE FOR INTERVIEWS IN BIRMINGHAM AHEAD OF LONDON PREMIER

Ahead of the UK Film Premier in London next Wednesday and Birmingham Charity Gala the following week, INTANDEM CEO and Executive Producer GARY SMITH of “How to Loose Friends SHE MEANS "LOSE" and Influence SHE MEANS "ALIENATE" People” will be available for interviews to on Wednesday 24th September 2008 in Birmingham.

To book an interview slot with Gary please email:Margaret@fmguk.com

I Don't Know What This Means...

Finally! The Les McKeown "Sex" Party We've All Been Waiting For!

This just in from an LiS reader on the "inside":

I promised myself I would stop sending press releases to Lost in Showbiz. And then this absolute monstrosity came in...

From: Emilee Alexson [mailto:emilee@alexsonpr.com]
Sent: 23 September 2008 15:04
To: 'Emilee Alexson'
Subject: 'Carry On' Sex Party - The Ultimate HumanHi.com - Les McKeown and his Legendary SHE MEANS "legendary" BAY CITY ROLLERS Private Concert


Wednesday 1st October – Dolce, 10 Air Street – 8pm - Late

HumanHi.com and OK! Magazine bring the 4th part of a year long campaign to feel good about yourself to the first 6* Nightclub in London Dolce THIS BIT IS MEANINGLESS.

‘Roller mania’ is back in London NO IT ISN'T with a private concert from the UK’s Original Boy band, Les McKeown and his legendary BAY CITY ROLLERS one of the highest selling acts of 1975 ONE OF THE GREAT RUBBISH FACTS OF ALL TIME THERE, hot new electro girl band The Bangbangs WHO?and rapper 10shot DOUBLE WHO?the evening is set to make history NO IT ISN'T (AGAIN).

Following the past, eccentric themes of Botox Barbie and Tropical, what is more of a Human Hi than ‘Carry On’ Sex! With a mix of celebrities and fun and frisky surprises, from sex toys from We-Vibe to sexy outfits, the photo opportunities are endless KILL. ME. NOW.

If you were around in the 1970s, you won’t be able to forget ‘Rollermania’, the craziness that could erupt with just a mention of the Bay City Rollers’ name. It even out-did the infamous Beatles mania SHE MEANS "BEATLEMANIA", OBV, a top promoter (THIS BIT IS BALLS) has said: "I was in the road crew for the Beatles. But I have never seen anything like this Rollermania." At the very centre of this hysteria, was Les McKeown who became the band’s lead singer in 1973 when he was just 18-years-old. Within two years, he shot to worldwide fame, graced the pages of countless magazines and was the subject of almost every teen girl’s dreams.

The Director of HumanHi is ‘Real Life Barbie’ Sarah Burge She’s British upper class, outspoken, demanding, gorgeously wacky and totally plastic apart from the boobs. She has appeared on TV and Radio around the world and now she’s boarding a plane to the USA EH?. In the UK she was on morning TV’s most popular programmes GMTV and This Morning as well as a variety of other prime time terrestrial TV programmes such as Channel 4’s Richard & Judy and Celebrity Ding Dong OH DEAR :(. She has become a cult figure in Japan after her “Life as Barbie” docudrama was broadcast to 14 million viewers on Japan’s largest national television network Nipon TV – and now she needs bodyguards to hold back the crowds when she visits Japan KEEP GOING, NEARLY THERE! Sarah is without any doubt Super Woman “Pass me the Radiesse, where’s the Bollinger Darling?”! I DON'T KNOW WHAT THIS MEANS EITHER, SORRY

Emilee Alexson
Emilee@alexsonpr.com

Now Wash Your Mind

Have you, like me, been waiting for a fresh new take on the PostSecret "phenomenon"? Well, aren't we the lucky little buggers then, as now we have Artintimity, an idea that involves you sitting on the thunderbox and drawing something "pithy" before sending the result to an hilarious website. But before you get too - ahem - bogged down in the details, ask yourself this (preferably without screaming), "What is the point? Why, outside of some monstrous desire to waste even more of my already short life on nonsensical fripperies than I already do, should I even consider this? Why even look at the website? For the love of God, who cares?" Or, as an LiS regular has it:

"This is all free, of course". Free, yes, but also mental.

From: emilie d [mailto:emiliesonny@gmail.com]
Sent: 18 September 2008 09:11
Subject: News release (Blogosphere)

Hi,

There's probably no where SHE MEANS "NOWHERE" you're most SHE MEANS "MORE"alone than in the privacy of a toilet stall, or so goes the theory behind the oddly named new startup, Artintimity.

Artintimity offers a new take on the PostSecret phenomenon OH GOOD and that new take involves toilet paper. Seriously. So, if you happen to be alone in a stall, you might as well take a moment to draw your thoughts together, scrawl something poetic on the toilet paper beside you, kindly take a picture of it, and, finally, when you've got the chance, THIS SENTENCE IS MAKING MY HEAD HURT email it to Artintimity. You'll feel relieved. This is all free, of course.

If you don't feel like sharing your secrets on toilet paper, feel free to browse the thoughts of those who did in Artintimity's archives. Or wait for the personalized line of toilet paper that's coming soon.

Learn more about this new project at www.artintimity.com

Best wishes,

Emilie Sonny

Spell Check Classic: Over Priced Water Edition

If I was the person responsible for punting Ramsay Water then I'd make double sure that I know the difference between "palate" and "pallet". Or maybe the whole EURO RSCG crew live for bollockings? As an LiS reader has it:

What exactly is on those foodie "pallets" that need cleansing by this ridiculous water? 10 kilos of Oscietra and a kracking kase of Krug 4 Krimbo?

Forwarded Message----
From: EURO RSCG Biss Lancaster
Subject: Make It An Ice-Clear Christmas with Isklar

Make It An Ice-Clear Christmas with Iskla. This year, develop a taste (and thirst) for Christmas with highly acclaimed chef Gordon Ramsay and Norwegian glacial natural mineral water, Isklar.

Isklar – meaning Ice-Clear in Norwegian – is the official water sponsor of Gordon Ramsay Presents Taste of Christmas, a fresh and innovative take on the food and drink exhibition formula, running from the 4th – 7th December at London’s ExCel arena.

The four-day event will see Isklar cleansing the pallets OH DEAR OH DEAR OH DEAR :((( of the most discerning food enthusiasts, as they sample an array of gastronomic delights. Ten of London’s finest restaurants will serve a selection of specially prepared signature dishes for visitors to taste. Live cookery demonstrations from Ramsay and special guests will ensure the anticipated 25,000 visitors will be serving up a lavish Christmas at BLAHBLAHBLAH...

"The ultimate toy that adults will want to play with..."

Yes, quite... This just in from an LiS reader sat in an agreeable office space in central London:

Because "adult toy" couldn't possibly have any other meaning now, could it?

Forwarded Message----
From: Robin Britten [mailto:robin@britten.f2s.com]
Sent: 17 September 2008 11:22
Subject: Best adult toy of 2008?

BEST ADULT TOYS FOR CHRISTMAS 2008.

One of the world’s most exciting online toy shops has snapped up the exclusive UK rights to what it thinks will be a sure-fire winner this Christmas. “The FunFlyStick is the ultimate toy that adults will want to play with,” says former BBC science producer Hendrik Ball, who set up Grand Illusions a decade ago with world-renowned toy collector Tim Rowett.

The ”magic” of the FunFlyStick is holding in your hand a wand that can levitate and then control the movement of a metallic shape in mid-air ...... Move over Harry Potter! Its Russian inventors offered it to Grand Illusions after they recognised Tim at the New York Toy Fair. “The scientists who invented it are bristling with Ph.D.s. It’s only their second toy ... it’s really very flattering they’ve offered it to us,” said Hendrik.

Team Player

Memo to Lucy at Think Espionage. We're not on your "team" - we're the opposition...

Snow Isn't Falling, All Around, Children Aren't Singing, Or Having Fun...

I'll tell you what, the weekend was a bit hot, wasn't it? Especially when you consider that - hello! - according to Shani Shaker at JCPR it's The Festive Season already! Or, as a reader sat deep within the bowels of a globally feared media organisation has it:

It's September 15! It's not Christmas! Even the High Street shops don't claim it's actually Christmas yet and they are total bastards. Christ on a bloody sledge!

From: "Shaker, Shani" [Shani_Shaker@jcpr.com]
Subject: Unleash your inner Kitten Vixen

It’s that time of year again…The fairy lights are going up, the mistletoe is strategically placed, fires are crackling, mulled wine is brewing...yes it’s Christmas! More importantly, it’s time to crack out that sparkly dress and shiny shoes because it’s party season! Kitten Vixen’s creative director Geraldine Shaker gives her expert tips on how to achieve siren style glamour this festive season...


Shani Shaker
Account Director

Exclusively Yours

If I printed up a load of flyers advertising my DIY skills (I don't have any, btw) and shoved them through every door in the world, could my offer of help still be said to be "exclusive"? Or, as an LiS reader has it:

If it's exclusive, why is it already on Youtube? And how can it be exclusive if everyone is being offered the same clips?

Begin forwarded message:

From: David Farrer [David.Farrer@shinecom.com]
Date: 12 September 2008 12:41:54 BDT
Subject: Exclusive content including video interviews with: Groove Armada, Beardyman, Krafty Kuts, Filthy Dukes and Evil Nine from 'Bacardi B-Live Presents La Fiesta'

Hi Folks,
Hope you’re well. Thanks to everyone who helped to make last weeks event ‘Bacardi B-Live Presents La Fiesta at SeOne’ such a roaring success! To follow up from this event please find some exclusive video content below and images taken during the event (attached) which include interviews with Groove Armada, Beardyman, Krafty Kuts, Filthy Dukes and Evil Nine.

If this content is of interest to you it would be great if you could help raise awareness by hosting some online. The next B-Live event is in Birmingham on the WHAT HAPPENED HERE? Look forward to hearing from you…

Kind regards,

David
Best of Bacardi B-Live Presents La Fiesta
http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=eLG4V6NbCeU ET-BLOODY-CETERA

Face Off

That credit crunch is a bugger, isn't it? It's bad enough being skint and not being able to sell (or even heat) your house, or afford a much-needed holiday, but imagine being ugly too! That really would be the final straw, wouldn't it? There's something so unpleasant about this press release, it actually makes me want to go and wash my hands (then book some corrective surgery for my revolting face). Really, doesn't the phrase, "Workers are nervous about their future career prospects and are taking steps to make sure they are not overlooked because of their personal appearance" make you ache a bit inside? Or, as an LiS reader has it:

"But sir, why are you making me redundant? Is it because yet another major investment bank has been plunged into turmoil and we no longer have access to vital finance?"

"No."

"Is it because of the pound’s plummeting value against the dollar?"

"No."

"Could it be because of an alleged gaffe made by a senior member of the cabinet regarding the overall state of the British economy?"

"No."

"Then why would you do this to me?"

"It’s because of your slightly red nose."

"Oh." *kills self*

I can only assume consultant vascular surgeon Brian Newman believes employment tribunals do not apply during the credit crunch?

----Forwarded Message
From: Sara Rizk
Sent: 02 September 2008 12:14
Subject: Cosmetic appointments rise in credit crunch

CREDIT crunch workers are undergoing cosmetic treatments over fears their appearance is holding them back at work.

Consultant vascular surgeon Brian Newman, who runs clinics specialising in the minimally-intrusive treatment of spider and vein threads as well as facial redness, said he has seen a surge in patients keen to change their appearance to avoid discrimination.

He added: “Rosacea and thread veins on the face can knock sufferers’ confidence and sadly, there are misconceptions about the cause of face reddening. I’ve treated patients who are worried colleagues will mistake a red nose as a sign of alcoholism and others who are concerned their acne-like rosacea is a sign of poor diet and health."

“In our image conscious times, poor self confidence can hold people back from achieving their full potential at work.”

He said: “Appointments are up by 60 per cent at the Clinics. It has been well documented that people invest in themselves in times of economic instability, and we are definitely seeing evidence of this. Workers are nervous about their future career prospects and are taking steps to make sure they are not overlooked because of their personal appearance.”

ENDS

Is This The Most Boring Press Release Of All Time?

This is actually breathtaking in its tediousness. I salute everyone involved just for being able to get out of bed in the morning knowing they're going to have to write this sort of thing and not just throwing themselves under a bus. Or, as an LiS reader perched near the top of a great glass building near the river Thames has it:

To be honest I just feel sorry for the person who wrote this. They literally have one of the worst jobs in the world...

"A Life In Fashion"!

On a scale of one to ten, how little do you want to read a feature on someone called Mark Heyes boldly entitled, A Life In Fashion? This from an LiS reader who points out:

This is grim. However, the "Feature Angles" in themselves are the stuff of poetry.

Begin forwarded message:
From: [jess@brandnation.co.uk]
Date: 8 September 2008 15:56:39 BDT
Subject: Mark Heyes Available for Interview/feature Opportunities

TV STYLIST MARK HEYES GIVES WOMEN CURVES WITH CONFIDENCE WITH NEW LINGERIE BODYTONERS BY ARISTOC…

Mark Heyes has been a successful TV stylist on LK Today and GMTV for the last five years. Now Mark is lending his skills and experience to Aristoc as an ambassador for its all-new range of Bodytoners Lingerie, the pinnacle of sexy shaping and smoothing underwear. An influential fashion stylist and leading industry figure, Mark is on hand to answer all of your questions on styling and also provide ‘insider’ tips on how to accentuate your assets.

Information on Aristoc Bodytoners
AW08 sees Aristoc take its phenomenally successful Bodytoners range one step further with the introduction of Bodytoners Lingerie. This collection uses the latest technology and hi-tech fabrics to deliver slinky, sexy undergarments that smooth away bumps and lumps to give you a shapely feel together with a glamorous look, providing instant shaping results and curves with confidence!

FEATURE ANGLES
•Mark Heyes on Curves - How to define, achieve, embrace and flaunt
• Mark Heyes - Helping women achieve curves with confidence
• Mark Heyes - Working with women
• Mark Heyes – How best to flaunt your figure
• Mark Heyes – Tips on how to look great for the festive season
• Mark Heyes - A life in fashion
• Mark Heyes - The changing shape of the female figure

At Last! Some Little Chef News...

This nonsense redefines "silly season". I wonder if Alex Parkinson at Hill Grove PR could get me the exact number of "LISTENSERS" who "flooded Capital Radio’s lines" to tell Johnny Vaughan he was wrong about, oh, whatevah? Or, as an LiS reader puts it:

This is an extraordinarily hopeless release/email, but it could be the start of a fun new game. How about:

Robbie Williams delays album, REM "gutted"
Eddie "The Eagle" Edwards back in training, Usain Bolt "really worried"

-------Begin forwarded message:
From: [alex.parkinson@hillgrovepr.com]
Date: 5 September 2008 11:52:19 BDT
Subject: JOHNNY VAUGHAN MISLEADS CAPITAL RADIO LISTENSERS [you mean, "listeners", right?] RE. LITTLE CHEF SHUT DOWN

Send Date:5-Sep-2008 11:47

JOHNNY VAUGHAN MISLEADS LISTENERS RE. LITTLE CHEF SHUT DOWN - HESTON BLUMENTHAL FURIOUS

Celebrity Chef Heston Blumenthal is furious that Johnny Vaughan told the 700,000 listeners of his Capital Radio show this morning that Little Chef, which is currently celebrating it’s YOU MEAN "ITS", RIGHT? 50th anniversary and has just announced a profit increase for Summer of over 8%, has shut down all of it’s YOU MEAN, "ITS", RIGHT? 170 restaurants with immediate effect. This is completely untrue. Infact YOU MEAN "In fact", RIGHT?, Little Chef launches a new restaurant today in Shiptonthorpe and Heston Blumenthal is currently filming what will be a hit series YOU KNOW THIS FOR A FACT? about Little Chef on Channel 4. Callers flooded Capital Radio’s lines during the show to inform Johnny Vaughan that Little Chef is very much alive and well. He is yet to apologise. I KNOW - LET'S HAVE HIM KILLED!
ENDS

Movie PR: Also Bad

This just in from an LiS reader in a darkened preview theatre:

I enjoy Lost in Showbiz, but it's a shame that so much of the crap you highlight comes from the wonderful world of cruddy music. Rest assured that film publicists are just as capable of witless hyperbole and mangling of the English language. See, for example, this splendid piece of idiot prose. The grammatical nonsense and misspelling is clear (Rock N Rolla is, officially, RocknRolla, etcetc), but I particularly enjoyed the description of the 18th century Duchess of Devonshire, as played by thesping stick Keira Knightley, as "a latter day Princess Diana".
Oh dear...


----- Original Message -----
From: Kate [theScreen.biz]
Sent: Thursday, September 04, 2008 2:04 PM
Subject: [News] THE BEST OF BRITISH INDIES - 5 SEPTEMBER RELEASE OF ROCK N ROLLA, THE DUCHESS, TRUST ME
Hi There,

Independent filmmakers and independent film enthusiasts - today www.TheScreen.biz, is highlighting the London premieres of three great British Independent movies all showing tomorrow the 5th September, 2008.

The films are, the latest from Guy Ritchie - "ROCK N ROLLA", the period drama featuring Keira Knightley - "THE DUCHESS", and a cool quirky and polished comedy - "TRUST ME".

Guy Ritchie's recent films have not been huge successes but "ROCK N ROLLA" is a return to his form, in turn Keira Knightley has been highly commended in her role as a latter day Princess Diana in "THE DUCHESS", and their are some slick performances and surprise appearances in the indie comedy THAT'S ENOUGH RUBBISH "MOVIE" NEWS, THANKS...

A Lost In Showbiz Masterclass In Action

This LiS reader - based deep within a global media colossus - has taken exception to almost every part of the following PR email and has, in turn, given it a thorough going over. I have nothing more to add - let the Fiskology begin:

-----FORWARDED MESSAGE------
The Blake Sound Returns With The Release Of The Second Album, And So It Goes, By Top British Boyband


Blake, the award-winning boyband whose uniquely harmonious fusion [ARE YOU SURE?] of popular, classical and operatic numbers [ISN’T OPERA CLASSICAL?] epitomise the zeitgeist of modern feel-good music [HOW? AND FEELGOOD IS ONE WORD], are releasing their long-awaited [BY WHOM?] second album And So It Goes.

Their debut album, Blake, went straight in at Number One in the UK classical album chart and hit the Top 20 in the UK pop album chart, going gold within three weeks. It subsequently catapulted the boys to a stunning success at the Classical Brits Awards where it won the coveted accolade as Album of the Year as voted for by the public.
Now And So It Goes looks to build on the band’s remarkable success in capturing the hearts of a devoted and fast growing audience from across the spectrum [EXACTLY HOW FAR ACROSS THE SPECTRUM DOES THEIR FANBASE EXTEND?] of music lovers.

Featuring a range of songs including (Chasing Cars, Time To Say Goodbye, The Closest Thing To Crazy, Up Where We Belong, Nella Fantasia and a unique take on Wild Mountain Thyme) [DO WE NEED TO EXPLAIN THE USE OF PARENTHESES TO YOU?] the album showcases the passion and virtuosity of four very British boys, all trained as choristers who met on Facebook [LEARN ABOUT COMMAS PLEASE. THIS SUGGESTS THERE ARE PEOPLE TRAINED SPECIFICALLY AS CHORISTERS WHO MET ON FACEBOOK] just 18 months ago and quickly realised that together they had something uniquely [OH, LEARN WHAT UNIQUE MEANS AGAIN, YOU IDIOT!] special to offer music lovers.

Their soaring harmonies, youthful energy and genuine charm touched a chord with a wide range of fans who quickly identified with the Blake Sound [WHY THE CAPITAL?] as something fresh and distinct, almost redolent of the Boys [PRESUMING THE BOYS ARE BLAKE THEMSELVES, SINCE YOU’VE ALREADY CALLED THEM ‘THE BOYS’, THEN IT’S NOT SURPRISING THEIR RECORD IS REDOLENT OF THEM] with its harmonies and vibes and yet operatic in some of its crescendos [DO YOU EVEN KNOW WHAT YOU’RE SAYING? REALLY?].

On stage Blake are currently [AT THIS VERY MOMENT? AS I READ THIS? ARE YOU SURE?] performing to audiences totalling well over 100,000 fans in their supporting role on the Katherine Jenkins Stately Homes Tour and they will be bringing their on-stage blend of passion, charm and charisma to supporting the popular soprano again at the end of the year in an extensive arena tour throughout the UK.

They are also taking their music to a global audience this year with tours in Japan and Australia on the frenetic schedules [HOW MANY SCHEDULES HAVE THEY GOT FOR 2008 THEN?] for 2008. Among the many who have expressed their love of the Blake Sound [CAPS AGAIN!] include Keira Knightly, Kate Middleton and Kevin Spacey who have all been wowed by the band’s music and on-stage presence [GIVE ME THE QUOTES TO PROVE IT. THIS SEEMS VERY UNLIKELY].

To demonstrate the reach of their appeal, the band has also brought Twickenham to its feet, before a ball was played [‘BEFORE A BALL WAS PLAYED’? IF YOU DON’T KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT SPORT, DON’T TRY TO SOUND LIKE YOU DO], with their stunning rendition of the England Rugby anthem “Swing Low”.

As well as devoting themselves to their music, the band also spends time individually and collectively supporting two charities close to their hearts which work ceaselessly for Britain’s armed forces and the loved ones who also pay the ultimate price for their heroism [GOOD FOR THEM. BUT THIS SUGGESTS THE LOVED ONES ARE PAYING THE ULTIMATE PRICE FOR THEIR HEROISM. ARE RELATIVES OF SOLDIERS REALLY PERFORMING HEROIC DEEDS AND BEING KILLED AROUND THE UK?] - Help For Heroes and War Widows.
The new album has been described as one of the most awaited musical events of 2008 [BY WHO EXACTLY?]. Fans will not be disappointed [FANS RARELY ARE - THAT'S THE PROBLEM WITH THEM].

For Press Information including interview and photo requests, plus review copies, please contact anthony@ianmonk.com or elizabeth@ianmonk.com at Ian Monk Associates.

Oh No! All This Cosmic-Bruk-Funk Has Led To An Explosion Of Broken Boogie Beats!

If I ran a PR school, my first lesson would consist of sitting everyone in front of a huge blackboard on which I had daubed the legend, "Never Attempt To Be Groovy - It Is Excruciating." Sadly, no one's told Paddy at Universal Vibes, so he ploughs on and on as if he's filling a bit of space on an unloved page somewhere near the back of a mouth-breathing idiot-fest like iDJ. Or, as LiS regular has it:

OK, this just makes me feel old, but then again it also reads like an amazing piece of bluffery from someone who's never actually heard any dance music, and thus I salute it.

---------- Forwarded message ----------
From: [label@universalvibes.com]
Subject: universal vibes-press release-uv006

Hi

Here's our next digital release, with a link to download the full quality mp3 package...please drop us a line and let us know what you think (good or bad), and of course if you're going to review let us know....

for CD requests, feature coverage, more info, love, insults or any other form of communication, reach out to: label@universalvibes.com

Cheers
PADDY FREEFORM
www.universalvibes.com

Universal Vibes Label Update
UV006:
TIM SCOTT
SEASON OF CHANGE PART 2

TRACKS
1) BST
2) Diagonally
3) Season Of Change- (Tim Scott mix)
4) Season Of Change- (Chris Barker mix)
5) Slow burner (Soulphonic remix)

For this release we welcome Tim Scott back to the label and revisit the second release (Tim's Season Of Change ep). Season of Change part 2 features two new tracks as well as 3 remixes from the first ep

First up, new track BST sees Tim in a disco/house frame of mind, creating a warm chugging groove full of smooth Rhodes keys, arpeggiated synths and choppy guitars over a solid boogie drum pattern. THIS IS GOOD, KEEP GOING! The second new track, diagonally is a downtempo track with Tim's distinct sound coming right through, part Balearic,part urban groove over heavy beats. RIGHT ON!

Season Of Change was the lead track on the first EP, a warm, beat driven vocal piece of quality soulful music. Featuring the vocal talents of Neve, over Tim's bumping beats, aimed squarely at the dancefloor and here it gets 2 heavy remixes. First up Tim himself gives the track a full broken beat dub treatment, chopping the vocal and sitting it behind electronic synths and the kind of heavy beats and basslines that would fit right in at Co-op. I GUESS YOU DON'T MEAN THE SUPERMARKET? Next up Chris Barker steps up and turns the track into a cosmic-bruk-funk stepper. WE CAN NEVER HAVE ENOUGH OF THEM! Chris Barker makes heavy broken beat and house bangers. INNIT! Although a relatively new producer to the scene, he has DJ'd at heavyweight institutions like Chibuku Shake Shake and Jigsaw Music. He also works alongside Si Murray (Cronk Family Enterprises) on material, some of which is bringing on support from major underground players like Still Music.

Finally, label head Paddy Freeform THIRD PERSON! I LIKE IT! turns in a remix of Slowburner under his Soulphonic production alias. He takes the midtempo disco infused groove, ups the tempo and dubs it right out YEAH! before overlaying warm synths and 4/4 tech beats to drag the track into a darker corner of the dancefloor. DON'T STOP - OH, YOU HAVE!

Who's For More Anxiety And Disdain?

Here's a great marketing idea, why not employ someone to tell every journalist in the country that your new record is an unmitigated disaster? Oh! You have! This absolute copper-bottomed classic just in from an LiS reader situated behind a large desk at a central London media hub:

Either the album "draws on many defining facets of the Faint's sound" or it sounds "completely different from anything else they've put out". It can't do both, Rachel. As for the rest of the paragraph, words fail me...

----- Forwarded on 02/09/08 16:19 -----
"Rachel Silver \(Silver PR\)"
[rachel.silver@silverpr.co.uk]

To: Rachel Silver
Subject: THE FAINT'S NEW ALBUM "FASCIINATIION" IS OUT 29TH SEPTEMBER/UK TOUR DATES - REMINDER!

Fasciination is an album that draws on many defining facets of The Faint's sound, while remaining completely different from anything else they've put out. BRILLIANT START! Todd's voice sounds less human than ever before GREAT!; the bass lines are more mangled OH, REALLY?, keyboards spiral and squeal out of control UH-HUH; electronic pings and stabs invade the melodies, WHAT? ALL OF THEM?; the lyrical anxiety and disdain of previous albums pervades almost every song. AND FOR THAT REASON, I'M OUT...

I Didn't Write This: 1

Lisa Southern from CMP Live - you didn't write this, did you?

Literacy, Not Amazing

If you employed someone to send press releases to journalists - lots of whom might be uninterested, or positively hostile, to the crapola you're flogging - wouldn't it be sensible to make sure they had basic literacy skills? Capping stuff up, regular use of bold, just the barest hint of the idea whoever has sent it thought you might not only read it, but might, oh Jesus, actually act on it? Well, perhaps a few more PR companies might like to consider these points before they allow the gumph to leave the building otherwise, some over-emailed, woundingly sarcastic journalist may send the results to Lost In Showbiz with a note that reads:

Dear Lost In Showbiz

How's (how are) things?

I was wondering if you could do a blog story on Adam at PPR's terrible press release writing skills?

I have pics.

Can you cover this at all?


Begin forwarded message:

Great Band Names That Only Exist In Otherwise Unremarkable Press Releases: 1

"Ladies and gentlemen, will you please make a lot of noise for... Elvis Presley's Concealed Weapon Application Fingerprints!"

The Cream Is Over

This is the sort of press release that makes being alive just that little bit more painful than it needs to be. In equal measures witless and declamatory, a small part of you wants to die when you think it's someone's job to email you a load of guff about a nitespot you have no interest in whatsoever. This LiS reader from a leafy corner of North London clearly feels that pain:

How does this release detract from the otherwise simple glory of my day-to-day life? Well:
1. The phrase "dance supremos" makes my breakfast rise in my gullet.
2. The idea that you "come of age" at 16 is, clearly, nonsense. A quick glance here will confirm that.
3. Cream: "one of the world's most influential club's", one of the world's most influential club's what?
4. Does anyone else find the idea of hanging out at "one of the world's longest running superclubs" as unnappealing as me? Surely people are over the whole superclub thing now? That sculpted-bearded, jewellery-jingling DJ playing "big room" tunes to gormless rave cattle nonsense?
Oh dear :(